All language subtitles for Hacks.2021.S02E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10.2_English

- I didn't say anything.
- Oh, thought you did.

So what...what's up?

- Is this a two-bedroom?

'Cause I can list it
as a two-bedroom

if there's a closet
in the storage area.

- Is that my condo?
- For now.

Depends on how good
your lawyer is.

I can't really afford one.

My best option's
Jimmy's cousin

who works in environmental law

and said she'd help me
if I get coffee with her son

who wants to
"get into comedy," which...

is worth--is worth it.

Ah, there she is.

Wow.

Gorgeous.

- Hi, Deborah.
I am so sorry that we are late.

We had to stop at an outlet
mall because someone...

uh, thought that you could
sleep on jersey sheets.

- You must be
the tour manager.

- Yep. Name's Alice.
Everybody calls me "Weed."

I know what you're thinking,
but I don't touch the stuff.

That's a nickname
Pete Wentz gave me.

And once Pete gives you
a nickname, it...it sticks.

- I don't know,
it sounds like it sticks

'cause that's how
you introduce yourself.

You security?

- No, this is Ava,
the defendant.

Oh, she's suing me.

- I think as a bit.
- It's not a bit.

- Not my business.

Weed stays outta the drama.

All right, we're supposed
to be on the road 0700 hours.

We're already
30 behind schedule,

but I know Phil's
gonna make that up for us.

Best driver in the biz.

And Danny here's gonna
get your car back to Vegas.

You'll sit on a towel?

Yes, ma'am.

- Load it up!
- Jesus.

Here we are, huh?

- Oh!

Welcome to paradise.

Very nice...

- Pete and I used to play
dice...right here.

You know him?
Now, he's fucking funny.

- Woman's obsessed
with Pete Wentz.

- The customizations
went great,

and we got the soda machine.

- Oh, Damien, you did good.
- Yep. Got a lotta snacks.

- We got tons of booze!
- Oh, that's awesome,

but actually I won't be having
any of that stuff.

I'm doing no drugs,
alcohol, junk food,

screen time--
trying to be good, you know,

make a big change
in my life, so...

- Yeah. I don't know
what you were like before,

so that's not really
gonna...register for me.

Here's the pisser.

Oh, which reminds me

the number one rule on the bus.

No number two.

- I don't know.
I heard the number one rule is

"Weed doesn't get
involved in the drama."

Oh, there you go.

Say it louder
for the folks up front.

Here's your bunk, kid.

Oh, uh...

- Sorry, this is where I sleep?
- Yeah.

- It's, uh, it's tight.
Less of a bed.

More of a sliver.

- You don't sleep
on your side, do you?

'Cause that's probably not
gonna work dimension wise.

It's not the Ramada,
but you got your privacy.

- Sorry, um, I wanna be
a team player here,

but, I mean,
why is it so small--

because of this tanning bed?

It's not a tanning bed.

That's my regenerative
LED light therapy bed.

- Okay. And where
do you sleep?

- Me, I'm up in
the passenger seat.

I'm an upright sleeper.

- Isn't that uncomfortable?
- No way.

After 30 years on the road,

that's the only way
I can sleep.

At home, the only thing
you'll find in my bedroom

is a La-Z-Boy.

I'm gonna outlive all of you.

Horizontal sleeping
is terrible for you.

- Blood pools up--it's poisonous.
- Huh.

Interesting
that's not more widely known.

- Yeah, well, that's
the mattress industry for you.

You see, they're stuffing
beds into boxes now,

sending them through the mail?

What's that about?

- Think it's just about
people getting beds,

but, hey, is there a place
I can store my stuff?

Yeah, you got a hook.

Right there.

- A hook?
- Here's your room, Deb.

- Holy shit!

Yes, very nice.

Much better master bedroom
than the last time

I was on one of these things.

Oh, um, you actually

shouldn't say "master bedroom"
anymore

'cause the term
is rooted in slavery.

Not your problem to solve.

Lunch 1300 hours!

Let's go Phil!

- Can I get you something,
Miss Loretta?

Oh, no, I'm not hungry.

- Come on,
come shopping with us.

You can help me
pick out a outfit

for Edna's
birthday celebration.

- You never take
my fashion advice.

- Well, you don't really
know that much

about women's bodies,
you know?

Come on, it'll be fun.

- Mom.
- What?

I know what you're doing,

and you don't have to
babysit me.

I'm fine--it was practically
a mutual breakup.

These are stale.

Honey...

have you even
talked to Wilson at all?

No, I blocked his number.

- Marcus.
- Marcus!

- Okay, don't say "Marcus"
in unison to me.

Talking is not
going to change anything.

He has a job. I have a career.

- It's never going to work.
- Oh, okay.

Well, can, um,
can I keep talking to him?

No!

Okay, I won't.

- But if Roman Reigns...
- Mm!

Ever goes to the AEW,

can I at least DM him?

Sure, Mom.

If Roman Reigns gets to AEW,

you can DM my ex-boyfriend.

Whoo! Okay.

- And thank you, baby.
- Mm-mm, girl,

these spicy cashews is good.

- I-I'ma take these to go.
- Gimme one.

- Enjoy.
- Mm-mm. You're on high

blood pressure medicine.

- Hurry up.
I got us eating for 30--

no more, no less.

Butts in seats,
axles moving at 14:00!

- Got it!
- We know!

- Okay. So that is the diner.
I called ahead.

They do not have
Nancy's organic cottage cheese.

But I'm going to go
to that grocery store

where they do have it,
and the manager promised me

that they will plate it
for you.

- Oh, fabulous,
thank you, Damien.

Thank you.

- Oh, I'm gonna run over
to that cell phone store.

Could you grab me
something to go,

like whatever vegan option
they have?

You know, the veggie burgers
at these places

can really surprise you.

- That's why I started taking
Ape-Brain nootropix,

and I'm thinking better,

I'm pumping better,
I'm feeling better.

- Hi.
- Oh, uh, Hi.

- I'm, uh,
I'm looking for a new phone.

Uh, so like an upgrade?

Mmm, no. Downgrade.

I just need a phone that
doesn't have access

to email, internet, social
media--just like a dumb phone,

basically like a brick.

Okay, uh...

Ah. So this is a really
basic flip phone.

I got it as a buyback
from a lady

who got it for her husband
who needed really big buttons

'cause of his dementia, but...

he just, d--
um, doesn't need it anymore.

I...

love it.

Crazy. All right.

Where is she?

- I think she went
to go get a new phone.

I don't know,
I wasn't listening.

- The girl talks too slow.
- Oh, speaking of phones,

I want everybody's phones
collected at the show tonight.

I don't want anybody
recording material

that I'm still working out.

Show's nowhere near ready.

- Yeah, the Faraday bags
have not arrived yet,

but it is Okay.

I have it all worked out.

- You're nine minutes late.
We got a problem?

You gonna be an issue for me?

Oh, sorry, sorry.

I just--I saw this
water bottle,

and I needed to get it.

- All right, guys.
This tour schedule

is one of the most ambitious
I've ever seen,

and it only works
if we stick to the itinerary.

We got it?

- Got it.
- Okay.

- Can--can...

- Okay. Sorry.
- Jesus Christ.

Let's go, Phil.

Hmm.

Could I maybe take out one
of your creams from the fridge

just to store
something temporarily?

Absolutely not.

Okay, sorry.

Was just looking for
a spot for my kombucha.

- Kombucha doesn't need to be
refrigerated.

It's made in a bathtub.

- Well, actually,
if it's not kept cold,

it'll keep fermenting in the
bottle and it can explode.

- Oh God, fine here.
Give it to me.

Thanks.

- Oh!

- Hm. You were right,
it did explode.

- So I went
from sitcom star to being

the crazy lady who burned down
her ex-husband's house.

But I didn't do it.

Yeah. The only thing
I've ever burned

was a bridge with
"Hollywood Squares"

when they put me
in the upper left.

Come on,
you'd laugh if you knew

how bad the upper left was--
it was next to Paul Lynde,

and he had the worst
pastrami bur--

Hello, Deborah.

We miss you.

And we wanted to tell you
someone was a very brave boy

about getting his anal glands
expressed today.

- The vet says

no more spraying them
with perfume anymore,

unfortunately.

- 9:00 a.m.,
QVC check in-call...

send an answer
to Dr. Scholls emails...

and you need to get...
pellet ice.

- Damien, you're talking
in your sleep again.

Shut up about
Deborah's schedule.

Mmm.

Oh, my God. Sirius XM!

Stop!

Oh...

Oh my god...fuck...

What happened?

Did we hit something?

Deborah saw a yard sale.

Oh, oh, fuck.

- Kidding me?
You are kidding me.

Oh that's nice.

Isn't that fun? Yeah.

- Excuse me, is this yours?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yes, what are you
asking for it?

- Uh, I can do 250.
- Huh. 250.

They don't know
what they've got.

This worth 20 grand.

Um, there's kind of
a sizable nick on this side

and some scratches here.

Gonna have to
refinish the whole thing.

Um, would you take 150?

Come on.

Please?

- Yeah Okay, sure.
- Thank you!

- How're you gonna
get this thing on the bus?

- Watch the finials.
Watch the finials!

This was an unscheduled stop.

Do not get in your heads
that there will be

unscheduled stops.

If you need
to make an unscheduled stop,

you have to
schedule it with me first.

Okay, we get it.

Deborah, where're we going
with this?

- Right--right there.

- Hold on that's right
in front of my bunk.

Are you kidding me?

- I know. You're gonna
have to move it

every time I want to
use my LED bed.

You know, I'll think about
storing it under the bus,

but only after
we get a furniture pad.

- Mmm.
- So it's good here?

- Yes, thank you, Phil.
- You got it.

Okay. What's going on?

Why is she being
meaner to you than usual?

I was mad

and I got drunk and high,

and I sent a very
revealing email about her,

and how she's suing me
for violating my NDA.

- Ugh...
- I know I shouldn't have.

- No, I just hate it
when she doesn't keep me

looped into new lawsuits.

So, yeah.

Pretty much ruined everything,

- and she hates me now.
- I don't get it.

I mean,
why doesn't she just fire you?

She loves firing people.

- I don't know, I guess
'cause I'm her joke writer

and I'm funny.

- Hmm. Mm-hmm.
No, not to me.

Ah, I'm not trying to be rude.

It's just, I don't like comedy.

Like...like all comedy?

- I mean,
everyone's trying too hard.

It's like so awkward.

You are...

right, actually.

- You guys see this?
50 cents.

- Cellphone?
- Here you go.

You are number 19.
Remember that.

Okay.

- Next?
- Hi, here you go.

- All right.
You're number 20.

Please remember that.

And everyone,
please remember your number

to collect your phone
after the show.

Thank you so much.

- Oh, actually,
I thought of a tag

for that business manager run--

Just put it on an index card.

- You sounded great
out there.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, great, set.

- Oh, uh, yeah.
Oh, thank you so much.

- You're an excellent
joke writer.

Believe me,
those are hard to find.

Oh my God.

Uh, wow, that means
so much coming from you.

Oh, Thanks.

- Honestly,
I was like obsessed

with your Oxygen special
when I was ten.

I used to tell your altar boy
gangbang joke

to kids at recess.

How did it do?

Oh, killed!

Definitely worth
the suspension.

Oh God!

Oh, come--come sit.

Okay. Sure.

- Oh, you've pretty hands.
- Ah.

- No, really,
you could be a hand model.

- Oh, they're so delicate.
- Thank you.

- Oh, I am being so rude,
Ava, it's Lori, right?

Could you get Lori and I couple
of ice waters from the bar?

- Yeah, no problem.
- Thanks.

- And this is a great look.
- The overalls?

Oh, yeah. No, love that.

- Oh, cool.
- I should try that.

- What do you think?
- Yeah, you should.

- That sounds fun.
- You can go now.

Okay.

Um...thank you.

- Oh, Josefina,
you look really nice.

- Thank you.
Can you button me up?

Sure, yeah.

You know, if this is
a move, I am gay.

I have a date.

- Oh, I didn't know
you were dating.

- Well, I wasn't.
But with Deborah gone,

I finally started having
nights to myself, and...

I got tired of coming home
to an empty house.

- Was it scary
to get back out there?

- It was at first,
but once I made the choice,

it was great.

And now I've had
five dates with Vernon

and I finally met his kids.

They all have the same haircut,

but I don't know yet
if it's intentional.

- Huh, okay, well,
you're all set.

Thank you.

- I love those earrings,
by the way.

- They're Deborah's.
- Oh--

- Shh. Don't tell her, or I'll
tell her you were the one

who put the marshmallow
in the panini maker.

My lips are sealed.

- Have fun.
- Thank you.

Don't stay here too late.

You work too hard, Marcus.

Good night.

Good night.

- Apparently,
I wasn't the best mother.

In fact,
I was officially the worst,

according
to the "National Enquirer."

No, it's true, in '87,
I was number one

on their list of worst moms.

And that was the year Baby
Jessica fell down that well.

But I thought, you know,

they don't know
a thing about me.

But then I made their list
of best-dressed,

so I thought,
well, maybe they do know

what they're talking about.

- You don't have it
written down anywhere?

- No, no, I do not, because
I told you to remember it.

Um, uh, what's your number?

- He said he doesn't
remember it.

- His cell phone number.
Just dial it from my phone.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

- Shh! Shh!

I'm following the buzz.

- How was the show?
- Horrible.

Yes. Not a great set.

- Oh, yeah.
Only one show, right?

- You're only as good
as your last show.

Where are we tomorrow night?

- OKC, sold-out house.

- Oh, thank God.
I always do well there.

I need this.

- Do you wanna work on
the "National Enquirer" bit?

- No, I want you
to work on it while I rest.

I haven't been sleeping.
It's not helping.

- I hear you, Deb.
Not sleeping great myself.

This chair reclines
way too much.

Oh fuck...

Passing on the Chobani ad...

Fuck.

Oh, shit!

- What are you doing?
- Fuck!

What?

What is going on?

- Have you seen
a tennis ball canister?

It was in my backpack,
and it's really important.

Yeah, I threw that out.

What?

- Yeah, just some dirt
in a tennis ball canister

was rolling around the bus,
so I tossed it.

- Tha--that dirt was my dad.

Those are his ashes!

- What the fuck...
- Oh my God.

- You threw them out?
- They were on the ground!

- Yeah, well, they probably
fell out of my bag

'cause all I have for storage
on this stupid bus

is a fucking hook!

Well, sorry. I texted you.

- No, you didn't!
- Yes, I did.

I sent you a photo.

I said, "Is this yours
or can I throw it out?"

- Well, I never got it
'cause I have a stupid

old flip phone
that can't get pictures.

- Oh, you should
get a smartphone.

They're a game changer.

I know about smart phones!

I'm trying to be a good person,
you dumb bitch!

What is happening?

Why the fuck is my La Mer
on the ground?

- We threw away
Ava's dad's ashes.

Oh, Jesus.

- It was an accident.
- Where?

Where did you throw them out?

- Uh...musta been
when I had supper

at McDonald's,
Burger King, or Wendy's.

- Or? You don't fucking
remember where you ate dinner?

- Yeah, I remember.
I ate at all three.

I like the fries at McDonald's,
the burgers at Burger King,

charbroiled,
and the Frostys at Wendy's.

So, yeah, it's probably
in the trash at one of those.

- Okay, we have to go back.
I have to get it--

- No, no.
Sorry about your papa.

That's my bad.
But we're way too far away.

We got to get to Oklahoma.
We can't double back now,

or it's gonna
throw the whole schedule off.

Oh my God, fine!

Then just stop the bus
and drop me off.

I'll call an Uber.

Uh, without a smartphone?

Fuck! I'll hitchhike.

Just please stop the bus.

- Please, Phil, pull over.
- No, Phil, do not pull over.

- Please pull over!
- Phil, do not pull over!

- Please I need to get off!
- Stop!

Turn the bus around.

- Deb--
- Turn the bus around.

Phil!

Turn it around!

- Girl, are you gonna
play a word tonight?

It's your turn.

- Is it?
- I think so.

- I'm drunk.
- Me too.

Hello, we're home.

- "We're"?
- "We're"?

- Oh my God,
it's a little puppy.

- Mom, Miss Loretta,
this is Joe.

- Okay, wait, wait, wait,
don't crowd him, Loretta,

- 'cause you'll make him nervous.
- Oh.

- Suckah!
- Oh fuck you, bitch.

Gimme the dog.

Let me see, you baby...

- When did you
become a dog guy?

- Since I made
the choice to be one.

- Oh, look at
his little doggy dick.

- Look at the little puppy--
- Loretta.

- Give me the dog back.
- I just wanted to see

- if it was a boy--
- That wasn't me, that was her.

No, it's both of y'all.

She ruined it
for the both of you.

- I just wanted
to see if boy or a girl.

- I said his name is Joe.
- See what you did?

Joe can be a girl's name.

You know,
like in "Little Women."

- What?
- You know.

Okay, no, I don't know.

- Everybody read "Little
Women" in school, baby.

I went to school
with white folk.

- It wasn't at
the first two places.

It has to be here.

For Christ's sake!

Phil, hold this.

I already went through that.
Ugh...

Ohh...what the fuck?

- Wait, what's that?
What's that, what's that?

- What?
- On your left under that shoe.

Yes!

Oh my God,
thank you guys so much.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, Damien?

- Find us a bar.
- On it.

No dirty martini?

Oh no.

Can't trust them
to make a good martini here.

No, you only order white wine
in a bar on the road,

because a cheap red is always
terrible, but a cheap white

at least you can live with,
'cause it's chilled.

Ah.

Thank you for that.

I know you really don't owe me
anything,

so I appreciate it.

And I'm sorry
I freaked out, I just--

things with my dad
happened really fast,

and I was just scared
I fucked something else up.

And I'm sorry
if I put us off our schedule.

I hope we can still make
it to Oklahoma City in time.

- It doesn't really matter
if we have to skip that one.

Those poor people
have seen enough bombings.

- Oh, come on,
we're only a few shows in.

I don't know.

Usually something,
you know, clicks by now.

I mean, I'm not even gonna

get a new residency in Reno
with this.

- My dad used to always
want me to watch with him.

He loved basketball.

But I usually said no
because I don't really care

about sports and also
the sound of the sneakers

squeaking on the floor
really bothers me.

You know, it's like
eeh eeh eeh-eeh-eeh--

- I get it.
- Yeah.

Yeah, so I never really
watched with him,

which was dumb.

Should have just given him like
two fucking hours of my day.

Anyway, point is,

I do always remember
this thing

he told me about
this one team.

Their motto was
"Trust the process."

And I remember thinking, like,
"That's a good philosophy."

You know, like every game,
win or lose,

it's just part of it.

You're on the path
to something bigger,

so the individual setbacks
don't get you down.

So maybe just...

trust the process.

- Oh, my God,
will you just order

a glass of wine or something?

I'm trying to be good.

- Well, then get back
to being good tomorrow morning.

Don't make me drink alone.

I mean, what else
are you good for?

Oh, barkeep?

- What can I get you?
- I'll have what she's having.

- Sure.
Also, sorry to eavesdrop,

but that team you were thinking
of is the Philadelphia 76ers.

Yes, right!

- So did it work?
Did they win a championship?

- Oh, no, they blow it
every year, they suck.

That's great.

That's good.

So, what are you going
to do with that?

Yeah, um, I'm not sure.

I mean, I know I want
to scatter them, but I...

I don't know where.

- Don't look at me.
I'm a mausoleum gal.

I'll be right back.

- Palmetto Resort and Spa.
This is Ray.

Hey, Ray, it's Ava.

Room 358.

Lived there for a very
sad amount of time.

- Yeah, if you're looking
for your night guard,

It was in Lost and Found
for two weeks,

and then after that
if it's not claimed--

- No, I actually had
a question for you.

I'm trying to figure
out what to do

with my dad's ashes,
and I was wondering

if I could ask what you
did with your dad's?

- Oh, well we spread
his ashes--

- The spa?
- Spa's on the third floor.

Yeah.

We spread his ashes
in Key West Florida

'cause that was like his
favorite place in the world.

Did your dad have
a place he loved like that?

Um, honestly, no.

He worked a ton and didn't
really get to travel.

I mean, I think that was...

probably a big regret
of his, actually.

- Well, I mean, you're driving
across the country, right?

Couldn't you spread a little
bit of him in each state?

So it's like he
finally got to travel?

- Oh my God,
that's such a good idea.

You're incredibly
emotionally intelligent, Ray.

- Yeah, well, the fact
that you sound surprised

is actually
super condescending.

- Okay, and another great read
on the situation.

- Okay, great,
I have to go.

Sir, we've already
given you so much lotion.

So...

here's the Grand Canyon, Dad.

- You're done?
- Yeah.

I'm going to do a little bit
in every city we go to.

Oh.

- Except the far right
strongholds.

- Cool.
- All right,

this reroute killed us.

Let's bottle up Papa, ladies.

Hit the road, Jack!

Jesus.

You know, it's probably good
that your dad didn't live

to see me take you for
everything you're worth.

Yeah.