All language subtitles for 47223

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

( instrumental music playing )

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Man:
You folks are a hot crowd,
in for a tremendous time.

Live from the stage
of the world-famous
Comedy Store,

let's hear it
for the great, young

Jerrod Carmichael,
ladies and gentlemen.
Bring it on.

( cheering and applause )

Yeah!

What up?

What's happening?
How's everybody feeling?

( scattered cheers )
Great. Great.

I'm really glad
you guys are here, you know?

We get to try out
some shit,

see what works.

Start with
the important thing:

Hip hop has ruined me
financially.

It has ruined me financially.
It really has.

I did my taxes
for the first time.

And thank you.
Hold your applause.
I know it's an accomplishment.

I did my taxes,
really did them,

like really did that shit,
like legally and
all of that shit.

And-- and I have
an accountant.

And my accountant asked me
how much money I had
in savings.

And I told him,

"Enough to beat
the case."

And-- and I don't know
what the fuck that
means either,

nor do I know
which case.

I've been thinking
about this a lot--

which case, you know?
Which case can I beat?

I know it's not murder.
I can't afford that yet.

But I do know
I have enough money

to where, like,
after the show tonight,

like, I could slap
a white woman...

and--

and I'd be free
by Friday.

Like, I make
that kind of money now.

But, like,
some open-handed shit.
None of that--

no, you can't afford this,
but, like, some
open-handed--

"Didn't I tell you?"
I don't know. Anyway,

they say that money
changes you, is the thing
that I've always heard.

We've all
heard that before--
money changes you.

And I think that
that's true, you know, no matter
how much money you have,

because now,
for the very first time
in my life,

I live in this building
that has a guard.

Okay? I've never had
a guard before.

And the other day I was
walking into my building

and I walked
past my guard.

And I had
a hoodie on.

And he didn't
stop me.

And I was concerned,

very concerned.

And I turned
around, I talked to him.
And I said, "Joe."

His name is Joe.
I said, "Joe,

I just walked by you
with a hoodie on.

You didn't notice
anything suspicious
about that?"

And he said, "No, Jerrod.
You live in the building."

And I said, "I know."

I know.

And I pay
a lot of money,

like, a lot
of money,

so that niggas like me
in hoodies

"can't just waltz by you,
you know?"

So you know
what I told him?

I said, "Next time
stand your ground."

That's what I told him.
I told him to stand
his ground.

Don't groan.
You have nothing to worry about.
I gave him my gun.

You have nothing
to worry about.

( chuckles )

You guys felt--
you guys went, "Oh."

"Oh." Really?

'Cause that Trayvon shit
is really affecting
your day-to-day?

Your day-to-day--
you wake up, you wake up,

you have your
cup of coffee,

you do this to a picture
of Trayvon?

And then
you start your day?
Is that what you do?

'Cause you don't.
Because you don't.

Can I tell you,
the harsh reality of life

is that events happen,
really, really sad
things happen,

tragedies happen
every day,

and we all
pretend to be mad.

We all pretend
to be mad.

You know why we
pretend to be mad?

Because we don't want
to appear like monsters
in front of our friends.

But these things
don't affect us.

A lot of times
things don't affect us,
you know?

Like, here's the thing:
take for instance
September 11--

a horrible thing,
sure, of course.

I don't think of September 11
just for the terrorist attack.

I think of September 11
half of the terrorist attack

and half, and more
importantly to me,

as the day Jay-Z released
"The Blueprint,"

which is a great album,
if you haven't heard.

It's a great album.
You should pick it up.
It's in stores.

What's sad about that
is that my father was
in New York at the time,

and I remember he called me
and he was like, "Oh my God.

Oh my God,
have you heard?"

Like, "Have you heard?"

And I was like,
"Are you talking about
track 12?

Yes, I've heard.

It's fucking amazing."

He was like, "No, son.
We're under attack."

And I was like,
"Yeah, by dope beats
by Timberland.

This album
is changing my life."

It's a great album.
It's a great album.

All I'm saying is that
tragedies don't affect you

as much as you would think
that they affect you.

If you got herpes
on the day

that that Sandy Hook
tragedy happened,

you wouldn't think
about those kids at all.

You would never think
about those kids,

never.
10 years from now

people would be like,
"Oh, man, you remember
Sandy Hook?"

It was like,
"Oh, fuck, yeah.
I remember Sandy Hook.

Oh, shit, that was
a fucking rough day.

Had to go to CVS
and get some cream."

Or whatever you do
when you get herpes.

Who knows
what these her--?

Isn't it funny that
when I talk about herpes,

I look out into, like,
crowds and I realize

that statistically

there's a lot of people
in here with herpes.

And I'm, of course,
looking at the faces
that aren't laughing,

but, it's like,
there's a lot of people here
that have herpes.

It's a funny thing.
It's just funny that,
you know, you live--

you know,
the enemy next door.

Anyway, um...
( audience groans )

Am I gonna forget
where I came from?
Of course I am.

Like, almost
immediately.

Like, I don't even like
the term "give back
to the community,"

because it implies
the community gave me shit

in the first place,
which they didn't.

Community didn't
give me shit.

The community
stole my bike.

That's what
the community did.

Fuck the community.

I don't know if you guys
ever watch movies like
"Dangerous Minds,"

but if you did,
you'd know

there's always two types
of inner city youth,
you know?

There's reachable--
that was me--

and then there's
hopeless niggas.

And I was reachable,
you know?

Like, in the movie
his name is usually Jamal.

And, like,
Jamal's in a gang,

but he writes poetry
in secret on the weekends.

That was me.
I was like Jamal.

Do you know
how many teachers
have walked up to me

at my desk

and whispered
in my ear,

"You're not
like the others?"

A lot.
This happened a lot.

Jamal always lives
with his grandma.

And, like,
his grandma's always

unreasonably ignorant
toward education.

Like, he misses
a few days of school

and then Michelle Pfeiffer
comes to his house.

And she knocks on the door
and she's like,

"You know, we really miss
having Jamal in class."

And then his grandma says
some ignorant shit like,

"Books don't put food
on the table."

You know, like some
stupid shit like that.
And you're like--

It's that type of
environment.

And you escaped it.
I escaped it.

I moved to LA,
you know.

And I'm very
happy to live in LA,
where dreams exist.

Very happy,
very happy.

I don't really
appreciate LA

until I look at my friends'
Facebook status updates,
you know?

I really don't.
I was looking at my friend
Alex's Facebook status update.

And he posted,
"Finally got that
promotion at UPS."

And I was like, "Oh my God,
that sounds horrible."

It's fucking disgusting.
But people live like that,
you know?

Um...

I--

I want to get to a point,
and I think we all do,

where you don't
do things

because you have to,
you know?

You do certain things
because you have to,
you know?

You-- you eat at McDonald's
because you have to, you know?

Like, nobody loves
McDonald's--

nobody, you know?
You don't eat at McDonald's
'cause you love the food.

You eat at McDonald's
because you're fucking poor

and-- and-- and
because you don't care
about your future.

You know?
Like, McDonald's slogan
should be,

"Fuck Tomorrow."
You know what I mean?

That's why you eat
at McDonald's.

And I always
kind of--

there's a part of me
that feels bad for shitting
on McDonald's,

because McDonald's loves
the black community.

They really do.
They love the black
community.

They're the only
people that celebrate
Black History Month.

Like, they have, like, a--
( chuckles )

like, a picture of Dr. King
with some fries
underneath it

and like--
like my Aunt Sherry
humming, just...

♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪
You know, like that
type of--

This is kind of sad,
but McDonald's truthfully could
change their slogan to,

"McDonald's:
Niggas Love It,"

and it wouldn't
affect revenue at all,
you guys.

Isn't that sad?

That's so fucking sad.
They wouldn't
lose a penny.

Like, sure, they would
talk about it on the news
for a couple weeks.

They'd be like,
"And now we're here
in the hood with Monisha

and her views of McDonald's
new slogan."

And she'd be like,
"Um, personally I don't condone
the use of the N-word,

but I ain't hating on 'em,
'cause niggas do
love it though."

You would think
by this special tonight
I would have--

I would have--
I would have stopped
using real names.

That's a fucking real--
I would like to take
a timeout

and find a camera and say,
"Monisha, my apologies

to you if you--"

She can't afford HBO.
What am I talking about?

Anyway, uh...

you eat DiGiorno
because you have to.

That's another thing.
That's another thing I've been
thinking about--

DiGiorno.
"It's not delivery,
it's DiGiorno."

Of course it's not
delivery, it's DiGiorno.

If you could
afford delivery,
you'd get delivery.

You're eating DiGiorno
because, you know--

I think that
that slogan

should have a very long,
reflective pause

in between
those two sentences
to accurately describe

how one feels

when one eats
DiGiorno.

You know, it shouldn't be,
"It's not delivery,
it's DiGiorno."

It should be,
"It's not delivery,"

it's, uh--

( exhales )

It's DiGiorno, man.
I apologize for that.

I mean, it's been a rough
couple of years.

"Do you want pizza,
motherfucker, or what?"

I can't wait
to become a Republican.

Let me rephrase that.
I can't wait until I can afford
to become a Republican.

You know?
Does that make sense?

Like, I'm a Democrat now
by necessity, you know?

Like, I need
the healthcare.

But as soon
as I am

in a different
tax bracket--

fuck poor people,
you know what I mean?

Like, fuck poor people.

I've served my time.

I can say that.
Fuck poor people, man.

I'm ready to move on, man,
and be a Republican.

But I gotta say
a rich Republican.

Because you say "Republican"
and people think you're talking
about the Tea Party.

And I'm not,
'cause that doesn't
make sense to me.

Poor Republicans?
That's stupid as shit.

Like, in fact, if you make
less than $80,000 a year

and you call yourself
a Republican,

stop it, all right?

You look stupid.
You're embarrassing
yourself.

You're embarrassing
your family,
all right?

All right, poor Republicans
are like the new
house niggas.

It's like,
they don't like you.
Why the fuck are you--?

What are you doing,
you know?

A rich Republican.
I want, you know--

I want to be
so rich, me and my mom
no longer speak.

You know that type of wealth
where you don't need
parents anymore?

You know, like-- like--
I want to, like--
I want to--

I want to smoke
Republican cigars,

which are different
than regular cigars.
'Cause Republican cigars--

the smoke
only blows in the faces
of poor people.

Like, you puff on it
and it finds the nearest
homeless person

and it spells "Fuck you"
in cigar smoke.

I got this idea.
You're not gonna be onboard
with it, but I like this idea:

I think we should start
Yelping homeless people.

Think about it.
We need a system.

We need a way to rate
and rank homeless people,
for all of us.

'Cause then you could get
more bang for your buck,
you know?

'Cause if they were on Yelp,
you would go outside

and a homeless guy
would ask you for a dollar,
and you'd be like,

"Why would I give you
a dollar

when I just read
on Yelp

that the homeless guy
three blocks away

does a little dance
for the same amount of money?"
You know what I mean?

You know, it's like,
"Why would I waste
my dollar on you

when this nigga
does the Dougie
for 99 cents?"

But anyway,
rich Republican.

Rich Republican.

I want to--
I want to think
Republican thoughts.

And I want to say
Republican things

out loud in public,
you know.

Stuff like,
"I don't think
people on welfare

should be allowed
to eat breakfast."

You know,
shit like that,

which is kind of true,
when you think about it.

Like, you're building up
your strength for what?

Like, what the fuck
are you doing
later today

that you need
Wheaties for now?

Your groans will only
make me go deeper.

Those are my
political views.

I just want to go
to the projects--
( chuckles )

go to the projects
and smack cereal out of
poor people's hands.

You know, just criticize
their breakfast, be like,

"Really? You're gonna
drink coffee right now?

For you, the best part
of waking up is going back
to bed immediately."

You know?

There's so much shit
to talk about,
I don't know.

Donald Sterling, um--

that's a thing, right?

Donald Sterling's a thing.
Do you guys care?

Does anybody
really give a fuck?

Somebody really
give a fuck?

This whole
Donald Sterling thing
made me realize

that I'm
way more ambitious
than I am black.

Way more ambitious
than black.

Because when I heard
what he said,

my first thought,
very honestly, was,

"Oh, man, like,

a millionaire can't
talk about niggas

in the privacy
of his own mansion?

What's this world
coming to?

"It's a goddamn shame
that you just can't--"

Here's the thing:

if I were recorded
in my home--

I talk so much shit
about niggas,

I would never own
the Clippers.

All I do is
talk shit about niggas.
That's what I do.

I talk so much shit
about niggas, just niggas this,
niggas that,

niggas-- niggas will
never overcome.

That's one of my
favorite things.

I don't-- I don't--
that's just
a personal thing.

I don't think black people
are ever gonna overcome.

This is a personal
thing that I believe.
I think, you know--

I have a lot of reasons.
I have actually 15 very
specific reasons.

Number-- I won't go
through all of them.

Number 15's
Tyler Perry's typewriter.

Number eight--

wait, I'm gonna
skip around.

Number eight is--
( chuckles )

is Air Jordan
release dates.

Because I feel
like black people

used to use that time
more productively

instead of waiting
in line at the mall
for 12 hours,

like maybe applying
for small business loans.

Number-- oh, my favorite.
Number five is a nigga's
need to shine.

And then there's number two--
I don't remember all of them.

Anyway, my goal in life
is to be the greatest
living black person.

It really is.
And that is surprisingly

easy as fuck
to do, you guys.
It is not that hard.

Like, half of you guys
barely know me,

and I'm already
number 11 on the list.

Like, you're looking
at the 11th greatest
living black person.

Like, as soon
as Bill Cosby dies,
I'm in the top 10,

easily, easily.
'Cause there's not
that many of us.

There's me, of course,
Bill Cosby,

Barack Obama,

Jaden Smith.

Um...

he deserves it.
He works hard.

Oprah Winfrey,
Michelle,

and, most importantly,
Denzel Washington,

who is the most important
black person today.

The most important
living black person.

Not only that,
they should always get
Denzel Washington

to play important
black people in movies.

I don't know why not.
Why wouldn't you do that?

You know why
I didn't see that movie
about Jackie Robinson, "42"?

'Cause I looked
at the trailer and I was like,
"Who the fuck is this nigga?

That's not Denzel."
I don't like change.

You know, always go Denzel,
if it's in the budget,
you know.

Like, he did
a great job as Malcolm X.
I think he should play Tupac.

I think--

I think he should play
Rosa Parks.

I think Denzel Wa--
can you-- can you
imagine that?

Just him in drag, just,
"I will not go to the back
of the bus."

I don't--

I can't really
do impressions.

I just know we'd call it
"Tyler Perry Presents:
The Civil Rights Movement."

Two Tyler Perry
references.

How many are we
gonna do tonight?
I don't know. I don't know.

It's early.
We just started.

Who knows?

Really, you can tell
how successful you are

by how far away
your bed is

from your
front door.

Does it make sense?
There was a time you would
have come to visit me

and you would
have opened up like,
"I'm sorry, Jerrod.

Didn't know you were
sleeping right there,"
and just stepped over, you know?

You can tell how bad
your neighborhood is--

like, if you live
on a numbered street,

the number of your street
directly correlates

to where your neighborhood
ranks in safety, you know.

Because, like, I live
on, like, Third Street

and my friend Jamar lived
on 118th Street.

And I went to his house
and I was like,

"Yeah, that sounds
about right."

It was, like,
the 118th safest place

you could
possibly be.

That, and litter.
That's--

a new thing I realized is
that you can tell

how safe you are

by the litter you see
on the ground.

Every neighborhood
has litter, you know.

But it's good litter
and it's bad litter.

The litter
in my neighborhood
is fine, you know.

All you see is,
like, bags from
the Apple store

and like--
like, you know--

like, ATM receipts.
See a lot of ATM receipts.

I saw a matchbook
from the Ritz Carlton
the other day--

safe litter, you know.

But then, like,
118th Street has
scary litter.

Really dangerous litter,
you know, like--

Look, there's
only so many bags
of Flamin' Hot Cheetos

a man can see...

before he knows
he's about to be murdered.

Is Obama doing
a good job?

( scattered applause )

Oh, you-- okay.
It's a black woman
clapping.

You're clapping aggressively.
You support him.

Have you-- can I--
can you answer this
honestly?

Have you been
paying attention?

'Cause I-- I voted
and I've zoned
the fuck out.

Do you know
what he's been doing?

People tell me
he's fucking up.
I hear he's fucking up.

I don't give a fuck
that he's fucking up.
My grandma's still alive.

That's why I voted
for him.

I don't really know.
I don't know if he's
doing a good job.

Truthfully, I don't know
why I voted for him,
you know?

I'm not saying
I made a mistake.
I just don't know why.

There was a long line.
There was music playing.

He kind of looks
like my uncle Pete.
I was young.

Truthfully, I voted
for Barack Obama for
the same reason

you want your friend
to get a job at Best Buy,
you know?

Like, I don't know
if I thought I was gonna get
40% off some shit.

Like, I don't know exactly
what I thought was gonna
happen, you know.

But it didn't happen
and I'm ready to move
the fuck on in my life.

You know?

I'm glad you're clapping,
'cause I--

I'm gonna be honest,
I kind of miss Bush.

I kind of miss
George Bush.

That-- how fucking
shocking is that--

me in a sweatshirt
talking about Bush?

"Timberland's on
and you miss Bush?"

Yeah, I miss Bush
a little bit, you know?

I think Barack Obama's
a better president,

but I think
George Bush was better
at being president.

Does that make sense?
Like, you have to think
objectively.

You have to remove
your personal views
from the equation.

Like, it's the--
it's the same way
that technically

Hitler was a better leader
than Martin Luther King--

you know,
like a numbers thing.
It's a pure numbers thing.

You know what I'm saying?
Like, Martin Luther King's
biggest accomplishment was

one time
he got 400,000 people
to come to a speech.

And Hitler would be like,
"Yeah, nigga, that's cute."

But I killed
that many Jews
by breakfast.

"Now get the fuck
out of my office."

Another digression--

I've been thinking about,
like, Martin Luther King
a lot

'cause I like
Martin Luther King.
But I was thinking about

what Martin Luther King
would be doing now if he were
still alive,

and I narrowed it down.
I really think that if
Martin Luther King

were still alive right now,
he would have definitely
sold out by now.

And he would be doing,
like, commercials
for money.

And it would be weird
to watch a hero do some shit
like that.

Like, you would
turn on television,
you would see him.

He'd be like, "Hello friends.
It's me, Reverend Doctor
Martin Luther King, Jr."

And, uh...
( chuckles )

Do you know
what scares me more
than fire hoses?

"Type 2 diabetes.
That's why I have Colonial
Penn Life Insurance."

( laughs )
You know what I mean?

And then you would flip
through some more
channels, like,

"Hey, there's Dr. King again."
He'd be like, "Hello,
good people.

It's me, Martin, again,
and, uh,

I had a dream.

"And, uh, you can too
on Tempur-Pedic's new
queen-size air--"

That's stupid.
That's stupid.
Don't applaud that.

Don't applaud that.
You deserve better.

You know,
the only thing
that I'm really,

like, genuinely,
I guess, liberal on is--
is gay marriage.

I'm really for gay marriage.
We all are. We get it.
It's LA, whatever.

Anyway, you don't
even have to clap.
We get it.

But thank you
for your support.

You-- you applauded.

That's gonna--
that's gonna show 'em.

That applause is really
changing senators' minds.

I don't know.
You were very sweet
about it.

I don't know why
I'm just shitting
on you applauding.

I just attacked you for--
my apologies. I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry.

I like you. I like you.
You have great skin.

Really nice skin.
Fuck, it's like fucking--

I would use the term "milky"
and I've never used that term
before in my life,

but it's really nice.
You got nice hair

and I'm very interested
in what you're doing
after the show.

Just out of nowhere!
Anyway, that's not--

we'll talk
about that later.
Gay marriage.

You can't talk about
a bunch of straight shit

while you're talking
about gay people.

That straight shit
can wait!

Talking about gay people
right now.

Anyway, I realized
why gay people can't
get married,

and I've figured it out,
and I've solved
the problem.

And if you're gay,
you should write
this down.

In order for gay people
to have equality,

truly have equality,

gay people have to

calm the fuck down
on those parades
a little bit.

Like, gay parades--

gay parades are ruining
gay people,

because it's too much,
it's too loud, it's too
flamboyant, you know?

Like, senators
are looking at you
from their window like,

"Of course we're not
giving equality
to the dude

"with the rainbow-colored
sock on his dick." Like,
of course not, you know?

'Cause it's too much,
you know?

And that's because
middle America

doesn't like
flamboyant gay people.

They don't.
Middle America likes
their gay people

like Tom Hanks
in "Philadelphia"

or like Jake Gyllenhaal
in "Brokeback Mountain,"
you know.

Like, really strong
and eloquent and poised

and, if at all
possible,

dead within an hour
and 20 minutes.

You know?

That's not me.
That's the country.

You know, being gay,
I think, has changed,
you know?

I have-- I have
a really close friend

who came out of the closet
recently

and I told him I thought
it was a horrible idea--

not being gay.
I didn't think that was
a bad idea.

But he timed it really badly,
because he came out
of the closet

at a time in his life
when everything was
going great.

He just wasted
that shit.

He wasted
coming out of the closet.
'Cause now when you come out,

it's different.
People celebrate you
and they hug you

and they say they're proud
of you and they get you
a box of chocolates.

I know that's not a real thing.
I just think it would be funny
if people came out

and we got them a box
of chocolates, but all of them
had nuts in them for irony--

like a cute thing we do
amongst ourselves
as a society.

But he didn't need that,
is what I'm saying.

Like, he didn't need
the support, you know?

And my advice to you
if you're gay and you're
in the closet

is to save it
until you need it.

That's all.
Hold on to it until your
back's against the wall,

metaphorically
speaking, of course,
but until you need it.

Because being gay and
in the closet is like--

it's like life's
"draw four" card.

You know?
You know?

And I don't know
how you guys play UNO,

but when I had
a "draw four" card,
I would hold onto it.

You know?
Or until the person
next to me said, "UNO,"

and I'd be like,
"Not yet, motherfucker!"

And throw it
on the table, but--

But that's--
that's just how we play.

That was a really
aggressive UNO, I know.

That was actually the only time
I was allowed to curse
in my house.

I'd be like,
"Not yet, motherfucker!"

And my mom would be like,
"You'd better be playing UNO
in there."

Or even better, I would
come out of the closet

when one of my
friends asked me
to help them move.

You know?

I'd be like, "You want me
to move a fridge?

With these gay arms?
Are you crazy?

These arms are
for dancing."

No, that's--
no, don't--

You know the best time
to come out of
the closet?

And this may be kind of
fucked up, but, you know,

we're all on the same
page, I hope.

The best time to come out
of the closet would be

when my girlfriend tells me
that she's pregnant.

I know it's wrong,
but I'd be like,
"No, baby,

I have a surprise
for you. Um,

it looks like we're both
looking for strong men

to help start
a family."

That laugh
was more nervous
than anything.

And-- and I should say
that you guys can relax,

because I haven't done that,
nor would I do that,

because I don't have
any kids.

Well, unless you're
one of those people
that believe

life begins
at conception,

in which case I had three
beautiful daughters.

No, what--

I could be wrong.

I could be wrong,
but I'd imagine

the worst time
to forget your car keys

would be
as you're trying

to abandon
your family.

Like, think about it.
Like, you walk back in

and the kids would get
so excited. They'd be like,
"Daddy's back!"

You're like,
"No, no, no."

"Just forgot
my car keys."

I enjoy
that act-out

more than the joke
is worth.

Really enjoy it.

Brings me
a lot of joy.

So, with that said,
I'm looking for
a girlfriend.

And it's hard-- dating,
just dating, you know?

And I really
want a girlfriend.

I kind of want
a girlfriend.

I may just want
a PlayStation 4.

I don't know exactly
what I want.

I don't know yet.

I like the idea of it,
you know what I mean?

Like, the idea
of a relationship.

Like, I get it,
you know, I really do.

I understand, you know,
especially when you
get older.

Because, you know,
it's just like, you know,

you could, like,
choke on some shit and
you want somebody there.

I think that's why you
get married, right?

Just like
as a choking precaution?

'Cause, like, somebody's
usually around.

It's good to have
a roommate you can fuck.

It's, like, convenient.
Anyway, I--

I don't want
to get married now

because I feel like
I could do better later.

Thank you
for respecting that.

That means a lot to me.
You don't know how much
that means to me.

'Cause I feel like
women just hate that
and they shut down on it

'cause it sounds cold.
And it's just like,
"What the fuck does that mean?"

Because here's the thing:
I could get married now.

I could. We all could.
We could get married
immediately.

And the girl
that I marry
would be fine.

She'd be sweet, I'm sure.
Maybe she could cook
or some shit.

But I don't want to--
( chuckles )

I don't want to get
stuck with some bitch
I met at Subway.

Like, nobody wants that.
Nobody wants that.

Like, you know,
she doesn't know
which fork to use

and she's embarrassing me
in front of Denzel.

Here's another
random thought that
I wanted to try out

with you guys
since we're here.

You think the janitor
for the Illuminati knows
he works for the Illuminati?

No, um,

you know, like, does he--
does he ever question

why he gets paid
$200,000 a year?

I think Kool-Aid was created
so that poor people

couldn't see how bad
their water really is.

There's just
a few of us.

It just hit me
how much Kool-Aid
I grew up drinking.

Literally just hit me
how much, like--

it's just that type
of neighborhood
where you drink

more Kool-Aid
than water.

It's just weird.

It's just weird
how the government's
trying to kill us.

I think that, um--

I sound more militant
than I am.

I'm not really
that militant.

I saw the remake
of "Robocop."

You saw it?

Piece of shit.

Horrible movie,
real piece of shit.

That movie was
so bad

that halfway
through it

I forgave
Woody Allen.

That's how bad
that movie was.

And it was
that moment

that I had the epiphany,
a very important epiphany,

that talent
is more important
than morals.

There should be
a chalkboard here
so I could write that ta--

talent's more
important than morals.
You know why?

Because-- because talent
is limited, you know?

And it's a precious
resource.

And Woody Allen makes
these great movies,

that are romantic comedies,
that are smart and
sophisticated,

and even men can enjoy them.
And it's invaluable.

You know how much--
you know how much

Woody Allen is worth
to the film industry?

Apparently one daughter.

He's worth
one daughter.

Maybe two.

You know?
Talent is more--

like, Michael Jackson's
victims still listen
to Michael Jackson.

And--

and they should.
And they should

because they've been
through a lot and they need
something beautiful,

and inspiring,
and uplifting, you know,
like his music.

His--

His victims need his music
more than any of us.

Talent's more
important than morals
is what I'm say--

like, when did you guys
forgive Chris Brown exactly?

For me, I was
in a Foot Locker.

And-- and it was right
after he hit Rihanna

and we're all pretending
to be mad at him, like we do.

And this song that he made
called "Excuse Me Miss"
came on.

And it was
such a beautiful song,
I was like,

"Oh, yeah,
we all make mistakes."

R. Kelly.

That's my
favorite thing,

is just hearing
a black girl go,
"Mm-mm."

That's literally
my favorite thing
that's happened tonight.

"Mm-mm.

Don't you dare.
Don't you bring that--"

Do you listen
to his music?

A little bit.
Woman: A little bit.

A little bit.
You know why?

'Cause talent's more
important than morals.

Not because they--
you know why they play it?
Because he's fucking amazing.

He-- he peed
on a little girl, right?

And that's horrible.
That's fucking disgusting.

That's the nastiest shit
a person could do.

Peed on a kid.
And--

and-- and--
and we were--

we were mad.
We were disgusted, man.

Boy, were we mad.
As a society, we--

that was the first time
I actually watched a porno
with my family

for research purposes.
It was for research.

It was weird watching--
my brother's here.
It was like--

with your dad.
And he's just like,
"Yep, that's R. Kelly."

Like, it was a weird--
we all needed to confirm
it was him.

And we were mad.
We were fucking mad
at R. Kelly.

And we were like,
"Fuck you, R. Kelly.

We will never listen to--
What? 'Ignition' remix?
Okay, what's up?"

That's what we said
as a society.

As a society
we said that.

We don't give a fuck.
We're monsters.

Michael Jackson
still went to heaven.

How cool is that?
'Cause God can't
deny talent.

I don't think it was easy.
I don't think he just
waltzed in there.

I think
he got to the gate
and, like--

and, like, Saint Peter
saw him.

And-- and he was
really excited because
it's Mike.

But then he realized
it was gonna be hard
to get him in.

So he was like, "Oh, Mike!"
Then he was like,
"Oh, fuck."

He was like,
"Mike, look,

first of all;
huge fan.

But we saw
what you did.

But wait right here.
Let me figure something out."

And then he went
to this other gate
and he talked to God.

And, like, Mike
couldn't see the conversation
but he could hear it.

And Saint Peter was like,
"Yeah, God, he's here."

Uh-huh.

No, you'd still
recognize his eyes.
He has the same eyes.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yep, acquitted twice.

No, I don't know
how he did that lean
either.

"You mean that wasn't you?
I thought that was--"

I don't know why,
it's just funny to me,

just God watching
the "Smooth Criminal"
music video

just trying
to figure it out.
Anyway...

Honestly, I don't think
Michael Jackson touched
those kids.

Man: Nope.
Thank you.

Me and this guy.

Me and this guy
against the world, man.

Just me and you
and the other applause
from the back.

There's a few of us.
Most of you think
he did it.

Now I've been giving this
a lot of thought,

because I don't have
a day job.

And I was thinking,
if he did,

if he did,

that could have been
one of the greatest things

that ever happened
to those kids, you know?

So the--
let me explain.

So my logic is this--
The logic is simple.

It's-- at the end
of the day,

that's Michael
goddamn Jackson.

And it's almost
an accomplishment
in itself

to be touched by him,
you know?

Like, all I'm saying is,
if I were one of
those kids,

I would have bragged
about that shit.

Like, I would have gone
back to school the next day
and be like,

"Hey, what did you guys do
over the weekend?"

Oh, you got a new
video game?

Oh, Mortal Kombat?
Oh, that's cool.

Oh, who? Me?

"Oh, the King of Pop
sucked my dick."

So, like,
that trumps--

It's a fucking
amazing weekend.

Talent more important than--
okay, if you don't-- if--

a lot of people
are not gonna get
on board for that.

But you can at least--
you can at least agree

that some people
are more important
that other people.

( man whistles ) Yeah.
Yeah?

Me and you--
are we fucking related?

I love you, man.
My everything, man.

It's just me and you
against everybody.

Some people
are more important
than other people.

He gets it.
Why don't you guys
get it?

You don't think we're all
in this shit together,
do you?

'Cause we're not.

Like, I think all men
are created equal,

but we die
light years apart
from each other.

You know, like,
we start off the same.

Everybody starts off,
like, around the same.

And then somewhere
around age seven

you can start
telling the difference.

I was looking at my little
cousin. You can just tell he's
gonna work at Wendy's.

Like, you can
see it in his eyes.
Like, he has Wendy eyes.

And I wanted
to get him, like, a spatula
to give him a head start.

Just some people are more--
like, if you cut me off
in traffic

and you're
driving a nice car,
I don't even get mad.

I don't.
Like, if you cut me off and
you're driving a Mercedes,

I go, "Oh, that's
a Mercedes man.

He has
Mercedes shit to do.
On with your day."

You know?
But if you cut me off

and you're driving,
like, a Ford Focus,

fuck you.

Like, really,
where are you going
in your Focus?

You got a meeting
in your little--?

Got a Focus meeting?

Some people
are more important
than other people.

How do I put this
in perspective?

If-- if my mother

and Oprah Winfrey

were hanging
from a cliff...

and my mom
was like,

"But, Jerrod,
save me.

I am your mother.
You are my son,"

I would say,

"But you're being
unreasonable."

You know?

And plus, if I save Oprah,
Oprah's gonna give me
an iPad.

What's my mom gonna
give me, you know?

Another hug?

My millionth hug
or my first iPad.

I got this phone call
from my sister

and she told me
she decided to become
a stripper

to pay her way
through college.

And I was like,
"That's one of the dumbest
things I ever heard before."

I was like,
"You have a good job.

What are you going
to college for?"
You know?

Also strippers don't like it
when you get change for a $20
off the stage.

And that's not even
a joke,

just some shit
you learn the hard way.

I--

I want--

I want to talk
about rape.

But I don't want
to force it on you guys,
you know?

Like, I have a--

I have-- not a rape joke.
I don't have a rape joke,

'cause that's rude
and it's disrespectful
and people would hate me.

I have
a rape question.

And I'll ask this
really quick and then
we'll move on.

And it'll be painless,
I promise.

Anyway, uh,

the question is,
and this applies to,
seriously,

every single person
in this room,
once again.

If--

if you were being raped
in an alleyway

and you looked up

and you saw
a shooting star...

would you use
your one wish

to stop that rape
immediately?

Or-- or would you see
the big picture

and wish for the usual
million dollars?

'Cause, like, that rape's
only gonna last for a few more
minutes, but-- okay fine.

Hey, Jerrod,
maybe you can
get rape to work.

Like-- maybe, like--

maybe, like, people are,
like, ready for that

'cause, like,
it's been enough time.
( laughs )

So maybe women
don't deserve equal pay.
Here's why.

So I was--

I wouldn't just say that
without having a thought
attached to it.

I was reading
that men on average

get paid 15 cents more
an hour than women,

and I thought
that was wrong.
I thought it was horrible,

until I realized
that maybe

it's for security
purposes.

And this is
what I mean, all right?

If you were driving
down the street

and you saw a building
being built

by an all-female
construction crew...

would you go
in that building?

And the answer's no,
of course you wouldn't.

You got families and shit.
Of course you wouldn't go
in that building.

And I think
that security is worth
15 cents more an hour,

is all I'm trying
to say, and--

And I also
feel like

maybe

Beyonce's music

is empowering women

a little too much.

Does that
make sense?

Like, a little too--
does that make sense?

Like, I was looking
at some of her
song titles

and she had
this single called
"Girls Who Run the World."

And while that's a very
beautiful gesture,

I just feel like

songs like that
and titles like that

are a little too...

ambitious

for most of the bitches
that listen to Beyonce.

Like, we all
know the average
Beyonce listener.

Maybe "run the world"
isn't the first thought
that pops in your head.

You know, like, girls
who actually run the world
aren't listening to Beyonce.

You know, like,
Hillary Clinton isn't
in her office right now

just blasting "Single Ladies"
doing this shit.

Like, it's not
a real thing.

I bet you
Beyonce doesn't even
listen to Beyonce.

She's probably like,
"Turn that shit off.

I'm trying to be
productive over here."

You know?

I just feel like maybe
Beyonce should release,

like, a new single

that fits
her target audience
a little bit better.

You know, like, maybe,
like, a new song about--

I don't know, like,

being a shift manager
at Arby's

or maybe
a dental hygienist,

like, something
more attainable.

Maybe Beyonce should sing
the theme song to DeVry,

something like that
that just gets her core--

One more thing about women
and then we'll move on.

Why does
the WNBA exist?

Like how is
the post office
going bankrupt

but the WNBA
is thriving?

Like, how is that
a thing?

I'm gonna
take a chance here.

Nobody in this room--

nobody in this room
could tell me

the last
WNBA champion.

Man: Sparks. Sparks.
You said Sparks?

You're guessing.
( chuckles )

Nobody knows.
Nobody watches that shit.

Men don't give a fuck
about it.

You've never heard of women
having ladies' night

where they sip chardonnay
and watch lesbians do lay-ups
for half an hour.

It's the only league
where all of the players
have part-time jobs.

That was just
groan-worthy.

That was--
you guys are really
supportive of your WNBA.

You guys really--
you really care,
in theory.

In theory
you really care.

Like, you care
about that joke

but you don't care
about the league.

The fucking multicolored ball.
Get that the fuck
out of my--

I'm sorry.
I just get aggressive.

I don't hate the WNBA.
( mumbles )

All right, I--
I'm not affected
by a lot of things

and I think that's part
of being, like,
an American.

You know what I mean?
Like, for the first time
in my life

I've realized
that America is the greatest
country on Earth.

And you want
to know why?

You want to know why
America's the greatest
country on Earth?

It's because
every other country

is horrible.

It's fucking disgusting
out there.

There's really not
that many places to live.

It's us,
maybe Canada.

You know,
Canada's number two.

Canada's like
the Scottie Pippen
of countries, you know?

That was
for you, Evan.

You know what's
weird about Canada?
I was talking--

my friend Evan's here,
and I just wanted to tell him
what's weird about Canada.

Number one-- I think
Canada's up to some shit,

'cause it's too nice
and it's too quiet.

You know, Canada--
Canada's like that goth kid
in the theater class.

He's gonna fucking
murder everybody.

You know
what I mean?

And number two--
Canada eats ketchup chips

and I think
that's weird.

Ketchup chips--
that's a snack there.

It's a legitimate snack.
Ketchup chips sounds like

something that
a single mom does

to make Christmas
more exciting.

You know what I mean?
Like-- it's like--

it's like,
"Santa didn't come again
this year, boys,

but I have a surprise
for you."

Like, that's what
ketchup chips are like.

This isn't--
this isn't gonna
get a laugh

because you're all decent
human beings, but--

but this is how great
America is:

You realize
that if the tragedy

that happened
in Boston

happened in Afghanistan,

they would have finished
the race.

Like, that would have been
the number-two news story

in Afghanistan
that day,

right behind
who won that marathon.

That's how
great America is.
This a true story:

One time I was walking outside
and I was minding
my own business.

And, by the way,
every young black male has
a story that starts that way.

And I was minding
my own business and--

and out of nowhere
these four police officers

came out of nowhere
and they pulled
guns on me.

And they forced me
down onto the ground.
And they handcuffed me.

And I remember getting
a scratch on my face from my
face hitting the sidewalk.

And then they stood me up
and they flashed this
floodlight in my eyes.

And it was all because
I fit a description.

And that happens
every single day here.

And I would rather
go through that

every single day
in America

than get my
Master's degree

in North Korea.

You understand
what I'm saying?
Like, I'm starting

to appreciate
slavery

for the blessing in disguise
that it was.

And I know
that sounds cold.

You know, it's like,
how could a man say
he appreciates slavery?

But you guys
gotta understand,

if it weren't for slavery,
you guys,

I would be in Africa
right now.

Africa.

Are you hearing
what I'm saying to you?

Like, they have
AIDS there,

and not the happy,
I'm-gonna-buy-the-Dodgers
AIDS.

I'm talking the real deal,
like, the scary AIDS.

Just Africa.

You know, what makes me
appreciate America

is that I realize that
it's kind of fucked up.

And I've accepted that
and I've moved on,

as you should.
I've moved on.

You know what I mean?
Like, you can't--

you can't think about,
like, what America does,
you know?

You can't love America
with your mind,

because if you do,
you're gonna see some shit
that's gonna fuck with you.

You gotta
love America

the way your grandmother
loved your grandfather,
you know?

Like, like you gotta
overlook some shit.

You know? Like, do the kids
across the street
have his eyes?

I don't know.
Just keep praying and
talking to Jesus, you know?

That's how you love
Amer-- like--

I know that a lot
of the world thinks

America's kind of
fucked up, right?

And-- and I gotta be honest,
my relationship--

my relationship
with America is
kind of weird, you know?

My relationship with America
is best compared

to a husband
and an abused wife.

You know, it's like,
sure, to the rest
of the world,

America may seem
like an asshole,

but you don't know America
like I do.

America's good to me.

Sometimes I just
need to learn

to shut the fuck up
and--

and make America
a sandwich.

Can I tell you
the weirdest part
about that?

It's that
for whatever reason
I assume

abused wives make
awesome sandwiches.

And the even weirder
part is

that I'm probably
right.

Probably, right?
I don't have the stats,

but--

like, if next door
to your job
there was,

like, a battered woman's
sandwich shop,

would you not
stop by,

like, on your lunch break
just to try it out?

You probably have to
order weird though.

You gotta be like,
"Give me the turkey!"
But it's probably, like,

the most amazing
tear-soaked sandwich--

The line was
"tear-soaked."
Okay, cool.

I got picked on
a lot

for not having
cool clothes,

because I'm
from the hood.

And if you know anything
about the hood, you know that
it's really dangerous

and really fashionable
at the same time.

And this is gonna be
a weird way to end
this thing.

I wrote-- in case they
create time travel,

I wrote this letter
to my fifth-grade class.

Um, there it is.

To my fifth-grade
class in the hood
who picked on me.

( clears throat,
exhales )

"Dear Miss Van Meeter's
class,

I endured
the relentless ridicule

that you all
put me through.

My parents couldn't
afford to outfit me

in nice clothes
and expensive shoes.

And we are all
products of a horrible
urban environment.

And I only take comfort
in the fact

that half you niggas
will be dead

in six to eight years.

'Cause if it's true
what they say,

that the good
die young,

"then I grew up around
some of the greatest niggas
of all time."

Good night, everybody.

Peace and love.
Thank you very much
for coming out.

Thank you guys.

( cheering and applause )

Man:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jerrod Carmichael.

( instrumental music playing )