All language subtitles for Absolutely Fabulous Season 01 Episode 03 - France 720p WEB-DL H264 BONE

# Wheels on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode

Come on, wake up! Come on, Bubble,
try and concentrate!

I've got important information to tell you.

I am going to be in France
for nearly a whole week,

and I'm counting on you to cope.

You only have to concentrate on one
thing-the refurbishment of Bettina's flat.

The refurbishment of Bettina's flat.

I promised it would be finished this week.

When she said "Third World Chic"
I was hoping she would stick to it,

but it took me hours to get that fly-blown
mud hessian for her kitchen walls.

There's a nomadic tribe
in the North African desert

that's going to be travelling rather light
this winter, thanks to Bettina.

When the wood arrives
for the kitchen surfaces

remember to stamp it
"Greenpeace Approved".

- "Greenpeace Approved".
- If the silk for the cushion doesn't arrive,

then fax Calcutta
and tell them to weave faster.

What can they be doing?
Squatting inside the room, making chapattis?

Poor Bettina.

Bonjour. Oui, oui.!

Also, I'll try and phone you
from my mobile,

but I'm not sure it'll work from France.

I'd understand what you were saying.

- Oh, darling...
- You do speak French, don't you?

Of course I speak French.
Someone has been stealing from me.

- Saffy.
- Morning, dear.

- What are you doing here?
- Keeping Saffron company while you're away.

- No, you're not. Is she, sweetie?
- I don't mind.

Saffy doesn't want you here cramping
her style. She wants a little freedom.

She wants to have parties and
have boys around and play loud music.

- And have orgies.
- Yes, and snogging.

Smash the place up a bit
and crash out on the floor.

- In a pool of sick.

- I don't.
- Why not, darling?

Why not try it just once, sweetie?

You're not like your mother
in that respect, are you, Saffron?

She spent most of her teenage years
sitting on a large bean-bag,

cigarette in one hand, joss-stick in the other

with a large-lipped youth
suctioned onto her face.

Come here, darling. Come away
from that woman. I want to speak to you.

Nice cup of tea.
Where would one find the tea bags?

We don't have tea bags.
We happen to have tea.

Come over here, sweetie.
I want to talk to you.

Something has been stolen
from my room.

- What?
- A certain something precious to me.

- Have you seen this pot?
- Where? What? Oh.

It's a sort of space-age teapot,
isn't it, dear?

A teapot to boldly go
where no teapot has been before

to seek out new life forms.

- I hid your stash.
- Where?

- Down the toilet.
- Ah!

What might one use
to put the tea in the pot with?

A teaspoon,
a bloody, buggery teaspoon!

Oh! A bloody, buggery teaspoon.
That sounds rather clever.

And what did one fill the kettle from?
The bloody marvellous tap, I suppose?

We happen to have
a filter here, alright?

God, you come around here
and make endless fuss.

It's my house
where I should be able to do what I want.

If only people
would let me get on with it.

So, I have been busted
by my own daughter, have I?

- What am I supposed to do now?
- What were you planning to do?

Slide it into
the lining of your handbag,

or insert it into some orifice
for some dog to sniff at?

I can't believe you were taking it with you.

I don't mind if you have to have
the odd joint at home, in your bedroom.

Oh, sweetie, thank you.
How kind, darling!

It was for personal use.
You're allowed it for personal use.

- Yes, but they would send you to prison.
- Not someone like me. Not any more.

- Pathetic.
- This filtered water boils very fast.

- That's because there's less of it.
- Ah.

I mean, they are illegal drugs.

You use them like people have
after-dinner mints, to round off a meal

You sniff something to make you speedy
or smoke to make you jelly-brained.

Either way, you end up more boring
than you can imagine.

That's rich from someone who lives
a life that's so boring

it would make a battery chicken
take up an evening class.

Mum, you are supporting
a criminal, corrupt, evil system.

- Is she insisting on voting Labour again?
- Oh, shut up!

You're no different
to a junkie on the street, to a dealer.

As long as people like you go on
doing it, giving it a hint of respectability,

the evil will continue.

Governments will be undermined,
countries kept poor, children corrupted,

individuals will be killed,
intimidated and tortured.

God, you've overdosed on bloody
John Craven's Newsround again!

That'll be Patsy.

Oh, I'll go.

Bonjour, sweetie.

- Oh, Patricia!
- Oh, hello.

How nice.
Oh, still no ring on that finger, then.

- Still no husband?
- No one special Eddy!

Well... And you were always
the one with the boys.

It seems so strange to me that
Edwina should have been married twice,

and you still a spinster.

Oh, I don't know.

- Still blonde?
- Yes.

- Still managing to keep that up?
- Yes. Is Eddy here?

- Yes, she is. Lovely old Patsy is here, dear.
- Come on, Eddy.

No, no. Patsy, here's Saffy.
Saffy, here's Auntie Patsy.

- Bye-bye, Auntie Patsy.
- Come on, Eddy.

- Bye, Mum.
- Goodbye.

- Take care.
- I will

- Be careful Passport, tickets, condoms...
- Yes, darling.

You! Remember to cancel
my aromatherapy, psychotherapy,

my reflexology, osteopath, homeopath,
naturopath, crystal reading, shiatsu,

my organic hairdresser and see if I can
be rebirthed next Thursday afternoon.

Consider it done.

- Du vin rouge.?

- And those two vodkas.
- De la vodka.

- This...
- �a c'est du parfum, madame.

Oui.

- And two champagnes.
- Du champagne.?

- Thank you. What's in there?
- La poubelle, madame.

- Yeah, we'll have two of those.
- Vous desirez des cacahouettes.?

- No.
- Oi, peanuts!

Sullen, stingy, bloody French bitch.

- Madame...
- Mademoiselle.

I'm going to have a healthy week, Pats.
I'm not eating and not drinking.

Right.

I'm just eating fruit.
Just eating fruit and not drinking.

You can't go to France and not drink.

We're staying in the middle of a vineyard.
The area alone is 15% proof.

Oh well, I'll drink just wine.

Eat just fruit, drink just wine
and not smoke. That's good.

And I'm not having sex.

- Are you sure, darling?
- Yes, positive.

Alright, then. OK.
Are we starting now or when we land?

I think I can safely start now.

No, let's say when we land.

Wake up, Pats, look at this.

Mm...

Hang on,
let's cope with this corner.

Oh, it's gorgeous.
Look, it's a little town.

This is it, isn't it.? Look.
Wake up, Pats.! Is this the house.?

Oh, God.!
Eddy, we've been down this road before.

That is the same village
we are going back into.

What's wrong.?

Wake up.!

Am I on the right side of the road?
I can't go on until I'm sure.

Keep driving, Eddy.
You haven't hit anything yet.

This is here. I should be
on the right-hand side of the road.

- Do you want me to drive?
- Oh, so speaks the woman

whose head has been lolling like a bladder
on a stick the whole way. Get the maps.

This is Spain.
Read the instructions.

"Leave airport, turn right..."
Blah, blah, blah.

Right. Now get in, Pats.

I shouldn't have gone left, should I? I mean...

Going back to that
bloody airport, we'll never find it.

Oh, God.! I hate France, I hate it.!

Oh, God.!
Eight hours, Pats, it has taken us.

That knocks your idea of wild nightlife
in St Tropez on the head, doesn't it.?

Eight hours,
eight bloody hours. If you hadn't...

We went in so many bloody circles
we might be ten minutes from St Tropez.

I don't think so. The sky lost that
comforting orange glow a long way back.

Oh, it's gorgeous.

After eight hours
in that bloody car with you, Patsy,

the local pissoir
looked rather gorgeous. But this?

Oh, shut up, Eddy.
We want something to eat and drink.

Oh, God! To eat, Patsy,
I can see four pieces of dried-up pasta

and half a packet of French toast
which defies eating at the best of times.

A cockroach, a cockroach,
a dead cockroach!

Don't kill it! I'm a Buddhist,
I could come back as one of those.

- Oh!
- I think it had a coronary, sweetie.

Oh, God! Insects, insects!

They followed me,
those bloody insects.

Insects follow me everywhere,
from Tuscany to the Caribbean.

Insects, insects, insects!

I usually see pictures of glamorous
houses in Marrakesh, for God's sake.

You don't see spiders
scuttling into the corner.

You never see a picture of Jane Seymour
with a centipede dangling from her tiara!

No, they just follow me,
they bloody follow me.

A mosquito has never bitten you,
for God's sake!

The last mosquito that bit me
had to book in to the Betty Ford Clinic.

Exactly!

Oh, God, I hate France!

I'm having a little trouble
finding the BBC, dear.

I flicked through about 15 channels.

You've got it on satellite.
Press that one.

No wonder! I kept seeing these
Italian housewives taking their bras off.

I thought,
"This can't be Challenge Anneka."

Can I help myself to a sherry, dear?

Oh, or shall I have a Japanese beer?

No.

Straw dogs!
It's alright.

I've got a lighter.
That's typical, isn't it?

When you go abroad, all the lights go out
at the slightest suggestion of a thunderstorm.

That's typical, isn't it?
Oh, let's all join Europe

so the lights can bloody go out
everywhere. Sieg heil, the Federal State!

What's the matter with you?
You need a joint, we both need a joint.

I haven't got any. Saffy flushed all mine,
the lot. I thought you had something.

I was counting on you. I've only got
some coke and some ecstasy.

Are you mad?
No one's taking that any more.

- Well, I'm going to bed.
- Just leave me here, stranded.

Darling, there's only
one candle, sweetie.

Careful here, we could
come across a corpse.

I'm very sorry about
the bloody ozone layer,

but this is a matter
of human survival here.

Pats, go down to the village.
You know what we need.

- I don't know what we need.
- Yes, you do, darling!

You know, milk and bread and cheese
and little French things. Go on.

- Why don't you go?
- I'll write it down for you. Hang on.

Look, come on, sweetie.

Look, we need bread... pan...

...some bakery
...pa-pa-pa... painerie.

- Blancmangerie.?
- And a few little vegatables from the grocerie.

A few little things, anyway.
Go on, off you go.

- Look, Eddy, you do it.
- Oh, no!

OK, but you have to call Saffy and
Bubble and let them know we're here.

I tried. I don't know the code.

- Isn't it the same as from LA?
- It doesn't work!

- Anyway, there isn't a book.
- We'll just phone the operateur.

- And say what?
- Well, the code for Englaterre.

- For Londra, for God's sake!
- I'll do it when you've gone.

- Oh. Have you got some money, darling?
- Yes, I've got lots.

Well, well, well...

- Is that enough?
- That's about 500 pounds...

I've got cards.

Alright... See you later.

Oh, God!

Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici.?

et puis, qui vous-�tes, vous.?
Le ch�teau est � 400 m�tres.

Vous ne comprenez pas.?
Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici.?

J'esp�re que vous passerez
de bonnes vacances.

They must be getting closer now.

If you get through, I'll ask Saffy
to come and bring food, shall I?

We don't want her down here.
Get her to phone up in French,

order the food from Paris
and have it sent down.

Pst!

Zero, one, four...

Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici.?

Pats, Pats!
Come here, quickly!

- Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici.?
- Oh, God!

Le ch�teau est � 400 m�tres.

- Phoosh!
- Err!

Ab-ab-ab... See you!

- Has she rung?
- No, what's the matter?

It's urgent.

A very angry man called
to say that she's to sign this,

or the work won't be finished on...

...doings' flat.
- Can't it wait?

It's cutting it really, really fine
if I leave it 'til she gets back.

In fact, I think he wants it
tomorrow morning.

This sort of thing's
never happened to me before.

Well, you've never
done anything before.

I know. I don't know why she wants
to do this interior design thing.

There's just so much work!

She never would be told. She's always
had her own ideas about decorating.

How she could live in that room
of hers at home, I don't know.

Since she left, it has had two coats
of paint and three different wallpapers,

and when the light's right, I can still
see Jimi Hendrix's face staring at me.

# Purple haze, all in my brain...

# Never the same...

Oh, dear...

Hello? Mum?

No. How can you have malnutrition?

Oh, God! It's that old man again.
You go, he likes you.

He likes you, darling.
He fancies you. You go.

Thank God!

Wine!

Eddy, Rosemary's baby
has arrived with food!

Oh, sweetie!
Food, wine! Hurrah!

Oh, God! Hello, darling.

- It's not really what I imagined.
- Horrible, isn't it?

- I like it.
- It's been a nightmare.

- Have you eaten?
- No.

Oh, good. I'll do one of my specials.
I'll throw some tomatoes and olive oil

and garlic into a pan.

- A sandwich would do.
- No, I'll do my special

Come on, can you hand me
a frying pan?

Saff, give me a little frying pan.

- Argh!
- Bonjour.

Anyone fancy a game of table tennis?

I'm sorry there's nothing to do, darling.

What do you mean?
There's plenty to do.

You could walk, or paint,
or play a game of table tennis.

I suppose that's alright if you're some
deprived kid at its first youth club.

Or in prison at Cell Block H.

- Bubble?
- Oh, yeah!

I hope I can remember how to play.

Shh, shh, shh!

Bubble, have you moved?

You'll be a bush anyway,
I've got my green mixed up.

I've done you, Patsy. You can go.

It's lovely here.

It's lovely, yes.

How can you not be enjoying it?
It's so peaceful and relaxing.

Just walking, reading
and playing games.

- It's fun.
- Fun?

Hm. I can see it should be fun,
I know it should be fun, sweetie. It's...

It's like a secret no one's let me in on.
It's your sort of fun.

Mm? Yeah.

Yes. Well, I think I'll go
and have a stroll in the village.

I won't come.

Pats! You know that chateau
at the station that we passed?

What do you think?

Darling, don't snort it.
Just drink it, sweetie.

Oh... Fabulous. Fantastique.

Now, which one? We've tried this one.
I like this one.

It's this one...
This is the one, Pats.

- This one... This is the one, sweetie.
- We've tried this one.

This one, have you tried this one?
- What's this?

What's this? We haven't tried this one.

We'll try this one!

- This is the one.
- No, this is the one.

That's the one we like.
This is the one we like.

This is the one we didn't want,
the empty one. We didn't want this one,

but this is the one...
This is the one we wanted.

That is the one that... we don't want.

Right, this was one, this was one
and this was one.

We haven't tried this one.
- This one.

And that box.
We're having the box as well, aren't we?

Shit! Someone's taken
the steering-wheel!

Thanks, Ed.

Right, so...

Right, if you do the sky,
I'll do the grass.

Alright.

Fancy a game of doubles?

No, I don't play.

I'm only going to play
if I can play with Eddy.

In a minute.

It's so stupid! They've made the holes
the wrong shape for the pieces.

Come on, Patsy!

At least you're not playing with
a liquorice all-sorts...

She's very good.

I'm in the game as well
You could hit it to me sometimes.

- Pats, Pats.
- Darling, wipe it, wipe it, wipe it.

Look, look. Let's stop and think about
the rules for a second. I'll keep score.

- First service.
Hit it to me!

- To Bubble.
No, to me!

Oh, well done! Lovely!

Everybody stop it.
You're not allowed to play until I'm ready.

I want you two to keep
an eye on the score. Hand me that ball

- Yes!

Oh, I'm broke.

Take another mortgage. Don't give in.

- What, on a "get out of jail free" card?
- Well, try.

I thought you were broke.
Where did you get all that money from?

- Don't question me.
- Where did you get it?

I borrowed it from the bank.

- You can't do that. That's cheating!
- Listen, you little stoat. I own Park Lane.

I can borrow
as much bloody money as I like.

Come on. Honestly, Saffy!

Try and get into
the spirit of the thing, sweetie.

Isn't this the paper
you wanted my mother to sign?

Oh, jeepers creepers!

- Go and give it to her now. There's still time.
- No.

- Go on.
- You.

Don't be silly. Go on!

Get me to that phone!

Ingleterra, Ingleterra.!

Jesus!

Pronto.!

Qu'est-ce que vous foutez
dans cette baraque.?

He says he's wondering
why we've been staying at the cottage.

Enfin, le ch�teau est � 400 m�tres,
le personnel vous attend.

The staff have been expecting us
at the chateau half a mile down the road.

J'esp�re que vous passerez
de bonnes vacances, va.!

Ahh...
He hopes we had a pleasant stay.

Listen, you little gonk. If you tell
anyone what he said, I'll kill you.

Drive, just drive!
Get in the car, get in the car!

Drive, drive!

Patsy, get in!

Leave her, leave her. She's not
quick enough. Come on, sweetie!

It's absolutely ridiculous stopping me.

Look at the people they're letting through.
Stoned Chinese hippies with backpacks!

Prescription.

There is someone waiting
just out by that barrier there

to get this piece of paper
to save my reputation and career.

If he finds anything, Pats,
you're on your own.

- Whose bag is this?
- This is my case.

It's not my sponge bag.

- Who packed this case?
- They did.

You'd better come with me.

- You don't have to say anything.
- I know.

If you had given me this paper sooner,
I would have rushed home

and I wouldn't be standing here now!

It's not her fault we're here now.

I don't think anyone quite appreciates
the scale of what is happening here!

It means that of course
Bettina's apartment won't get decorated.

It's the end of my career in
interior design before it's even begun.

Buildings everywhere
might heave a sigh of relief.

I don't know why I don't sack you.

Don't be silly.
Where else are you going to find someone

who makes doing nothing
into an art form?

I'm sorry. I had to say that.

It's alright.
I didn't quite understand what you meant.

- Is no one going to speak to me?
- Shh!

After all, I'll be the one
who'll be going to prison.

At least you've got
your table tennis practice in.

I must be allowed that telephone call

before my freedom
is finally snatched away from me.

That won't be necessary.
The powder we found

was a perfectly harmless substance.

- Oh!
- You're all free to go.

- I beg your pardon?
- You're free to go.

Be a bit more careful next time.

Just hang on there.
I demand that you retest it.

Come back!
I paid a huge amount of money for that stuff.

Don't tell me it was talcum powder.

So you've been diddled.
It's happened to us all

- But it's not the money.
- What is it?

It's the horrible realisation that
I must have enjoyed playing ping-pong.