All language subtitles for S05E07-en

Well it's nine o'clock. If they're
not here by now they're not coming.

Oh here they are right now.
Look, hey...

- say hello to Mr. and Mrs. America.
- Hi.

Now look, we've been burning
the midnight oil here.

- We're trying to figure out a way to...
- David!

Well, we have no secrets from them.

Now look we know and you know that
there are less of you out there

watching the show than there used to be.

And we understand that you're
very busy people

- but we want you to know that we miss you.
- That's right.

- So we've been throwing our heads together
trying to-- - Trying to figure out a way...

- to get you back in the habit of watching--
- Me... and her.

And we want you to know we'll do anything to
get you back, whatever it is, I promise.

Now, Maddie's got this completely boring
idea of how to rescue our time slot.

I don't think that socially
relevant programming,

exploring the rich fabric of universal truths
in a vibrant human way is boring.

Yeah. Maddie, if they wanted
that kind of TV,

our writers would still be
working over on 5t. Elsewhere.

Fine, David, go ahead
make a fool of yourself.

Tell 'em what you think they want.

Hooters. Maracas.
And lots of 'em.

Cabooses, games, double entendres,
triple entendres,

fishnet stockings, young girls
in little scanty outfits,

- kissing me all over--
- I think they get the drift.

Anyway, we asked a team of scientists

at the Viola Institute
of Advances Shenanigans,

to come down here and give us
a hand and they came up

with this little baby right here,

which actually reverses
the polarity of your TV sets.

And it makes it possible for us
to hear you out there.

So all of you in favor
of vibrant human emotions...

please applaud now.

Let's hear it for the hooters.

- Well?
- Well what?

Well you said you'd give 'em
anything they want.

- I didn't say--
- You promised.

David, I'm not going to pander
to the lowest commercial

male oriented instincts of this culture.
It's crass, it's base.

- It's a 40 share. Maddie, come on, it's sweeps week.
- No.

Do you have idea what kind of psycho sexual
weirdness they're hustling over at CBS?

- I don't care what they're hustling over at CBS.
- NBC for the next three weeks

- is going to be one big Wesson Oil party.
- We're not NBC.

And I'll bet you that babe
on the 30 Something, right now,

- is walking around in her skivvies.
- I already said "no!"

Oh, ho, ho, ho, are you telling
me that you, Maddie Hayes,

- are too good to take your clothes off on TV?
- You bet your sweet buns.

- Fine. Viola, MacGilicuddy, DiPesto, O'Neil.
- Yes, sir!

- Yeah!
- The rest of you guys get over here. Come on!

Hip, hip, hip, hip, hip,
get in here, go ahead!

All right, it's February sweeps week!

How do we boost the ratings?

- Take off our clothes!
- I can't hear you!

Take off our clothes, sir!

Then what are we waiting for?

Get a load of this,
America!

Feast your eyes.

Be a good boy, huh?

Okay, Buster.

Okay, Buster.

Okay, Buster.
It's all right.

Now that you've had
a chance to look this over,

may I suggest we get down to business.

I think you'll see that our
proposal is reasonable and fair.

More than fair.

Now, we've given you your division
of the community property.

We've given you the T-bond portfolio,

full title to the foreign real estate,

and you get the parrots.

Now, my client wants this settlement
to be as amicable as possible.

Then don't jerk us around on the alimony.

How's Lydia supposed to maintain
her lifestyle on this figure?

Look, I don't care about the money.

She can have anything she wants.

I just want to make sure

that we're doing the right thing here.

Have we really tried everything?

Nathan, this was your idea.

Maybe...

maybe I'm having second thoughts.

Oh, this is not a counseling session.

Oldest story in the book.

Your client pleads
irreconcilable differences

until he sees the alimony figure
on the paper, and suddenly,

my client's little annoying habits

aren't so annoying after all.

He doesn't want you back.
He wants a discount.

- Am I right, Nathan?
- Don't bully my client.

Then don't insult us with the offer.

Lydia, can I talk to you alone?

I do not want you to talk to her at all.

You talk to me.

- Well, it wouldn't do any harm if I just spoke to him.
- Lydia, please, trust me.

I've seen this a thousand times.
He'll do or say just anything

to soften the financial blow.

All I want is a chance to try to--

- I know what you want and we--
- Why don't you shut up!

Why don't we reconvene when your
client has control of himself.

- Let's go, Lydia.
- Is this the way you represent my wife's interest?

By driving a wedge between us?

If you need to blame me for your
inadequacies as a husband, fine.

Where did you dig up this bulldog?

- Oh, now, just stop.
- I have to request the absence of your client.

Don't pull the barracuda
routine on me, counselor.

Who the hell do you think you are,
ordering me around like that,

- when marriage counseling with my wife...
- It doesn't intimidate me.

You stuff your offer!

Oh, my God.
Nathan, call an ambulance.

Right away.

We've got a rhythm, but
she's shooting a lot of PBCs.

Okay, let's give her a bolus.

75 milligram Lidocaine,
IV push.

Okay, give me one amp sodium bicarb, stat.

BP 50 over zero, no pulse.

Defib, 400 watt-seconds.

Let's go. Ready?

Clear!

Let's go again.

Clear!

Mr.--

David, our meeting was
supposed to start at 8:30!

- Big hand's on the six. Little hand's on the eight.
- Is that a pajama shirt?

Yeah. It's the latest rage for fall.

Fine. Scoff at a big retainer.

Steady flow of casework,
contacts, referrals, profits.

Fortunately, the client is late,
and we have time to figure out

how we're gonna handle this
meeting. Take a look at this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm just some kind of
machine you can turn on.

11 meed a cup

A trip to the little boys' room.

A glance at the sports page.
Then we'll talk.

Well, if you'd show up a little earlier.

Earlier? It used to be,
"David, get here on time."

- Now you want earlier?
- Well, maybe you should just

set up housekeeping here in the office.

This would make a nice master bedroom.
But the God's honest truth is,

I would have been here on time if my
cab hadn't have got into a wreck.

And the dog ate your homework.
David, cabs don't get in wrecks.

That's what I kept telling this guy, but he
wouldn't listen. I said, "Look, you can't shave

and drive a car at the same time.
" But did he listen? No.

The next thing I know, the hood ornament on his
car is going into the D on a diaper truck.

- Oh, my God. It stunk so bad.
- Why were you in a cab in the first place?

- You ever try handling a rickshaw in Hollywood?
- What happened to your car?

It's been in the shop
ever since I met you.

Matter of fact, I don't think
I recall ever seeing your car.

- That's because it's so fast.
- Where is it?

- Where's what?
- Your car. Why don't you ever drive it?

- We don't just drive a car like that.
- Why not?

'Cause it kinda-sorta
belongs to somebody else.

- What do you mean, you kinda-sorta sold it?
- Well, the shop did.

You mean the repair shop sold
your car out from under you?

Well, it wasn't a repair shop, exactly.

It was more along
the lines of a pawn shop.

- A pawn shop?
- Honest Ethan's.

David, when it comes to
finances, you're such a nitwit.

Oh, yeah. This from
Miss Chapter 11 herself.

- Well, at least I don't throw money around.
- Neither do I.

Well, I wouldn't call hocking
your car a sound business--

- I got overhead.
- Such as?

Well, let me see.
There's, uh...

- well...
- A mortgage?

Life insurance premiums?
Supporting a family?

David, what do you have to show
for piddling away your salary?

See this smile?

- I couldn't live like that.
- Well, that's your problem.

One of many, I might add.
See, the problem with you is,

you do not know how to enjoy
the fruits of your labor.

That's not true. I indulge
in the occasional luxury.

I just like to know that I have a little
salted away for a rainy clay.

Hey, when I'm lyin' there,
tubes in my nose,

can't move my face, what
good's a nest egg gonna do me?

Tubes aren't free, you know. And you'd feel
better if you were financially secure.

Incontinent, but financially secure.

No thanks. I think I'll take a head full
of memories to the grave with me.

David, if we can close this deal,
it'll mean a little something extra for both of us.

Please. Take your share and invest it.

You're right. I should probably
upgrade my sound system.

T-bills, bonds, a money market fund.

Something where you'll earn some interest.

If my life gets any more interesting,
they're gonna have to

chain me to the wall and give tours.

- Betty Russell's here.
- Show her in.

Betty Russell.

- Betty Russell.
- She's an attorney. The one I told you about.

She wants to put us on retainer to
do the P.I. work for her firm.

Betty "Barracuda"
Russell, esquire?

Home-wrecker extraordinaire?

She gets on wifey's team and
hubby goes to the poorhouse?

My reputation precedes me.

I guess
I should have knocked.

That's okay, Agnes.
We have no secrets here.

I'm Betty Russell, known in
some circles as "The Barracuda."

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, don't be. I earned my title.

I admire your candor,
Mr., uh...

Addison. David Addison.
Private investigator extraordinaire--

And I'm Maddie Hayes.
Nice to meet you.

A lot of people take a very
dim view of my profession.

And, in that I'm good at what I do,
they take an even dimmer view of me.

But I do hope that you'll hear me out.

Right. Betty, will you excuse us
for just a moment, please?

- Of course.
- Have a seat or something.

Don't you think, before we take a job crowbarring
relationships, we should at least

- talk about it first?
- Well, if you'd get here a little earlier.

Okay, okay, okay. I'm workin'
on that, but I'm here now,

and believe me, a steady
diet of watching people

divide up their record collection
is not my idea of a good--

- We've done divorce work before.
- Not on a retainer. Day in, day out.

Slippin', slidin', sneakin', peepin',
hobblin' a relationship up.

I'm not one to talk,
but David, does this have

something to do with your
marriage going up in smoke?

Yeah.

I see. Well. I'm glad to
see we can handle this

like two mature, rational adults.

- I understand your point of view completely.
- Good.

And you have to understand mine.

That the Russell account is very important

to this firm, business-wise.

I understand.
I don't agree, but I understand.

Okay. Let's try something
we've never done before.

- You get to be the boy?
- We'll compromise. We'll hear her out.

If you don't want to work on the Russell
account, you don't have to.

- What's the catch?
- There's no catch.

I'll work on the Russell account,
and you'll do something else.

- No arguing?
- No complaining.

- No gnashing of teeth?
- No insults.

- No slamming of doors?
- No fighting.

No making UP?

- Maybe we're rushing into this.
- Let's hear what she has to say first.

Am I nuts?

I earn my living by breaking up marriages.

Well, that's not entirely true. They're
pretty much broken by the time they get to me.

I'm not so much the, uh, executioner

as I am the undertaker for
the sacrament of matrimony.

A while back, I, uh-- I had an unexpected
vacation. A heart attack.

While I was lying in ICU, I took the proverbial
hard, long look at my life.

And what I saw didn't...

didn't hold up.

If I had died,

I would have left behind, uh, some assets,

a reputation,

and very little else.

I've never painted a painting.

Never written a song.

No husband.
No kids.

All I can point to is a few hundred broken
homes that I helped to create.

Not much of a legacy.

I'd like you to, uh...

help me change that.

I'm not sure
I understand how.

There's a husband and wife.

After 17 years of marriage,

their divorce is about to become final.

I'm the attorney for
the wife, Lydia Kraft.

Early on, there was a chance for a
reconciliation. I know that now.

But, in the heat of battle,
I guess I chose not to notice.

I want you to help me put
that marriage back together.

It'd be like squeezing
toothpaste back into the tube.

In this case,
I'm not so sure.

Last week, I had a meeting with my
client's husband, Nathan Kraft.

To go over some last-minute paperwork.

That was when I met Joleen, his,
uh, 21-year-old receptionist,

who will be the next Mrs. Kraft
once the divorce is final.

If I ever saw a disaster in the making.

I mean, he's older.
A man of the world.

She's... she's a child whose idea of
elegance is lavender nail polish.

I want you to find out if Nathan
and this girl are really in love.

Is that all?

Even if we could judge the quality
of this new relationship...

- A big "if."
- how's that gonna save the Krafts' marriage?

My guess is that, given
the opportunity, Nathan will

break with Joleen in a hot
minute and go back to his wife.

The man's gotten involved
with another woman.

How do you know his wife
will even take him back?

I think I can pave the way
to a reconciliation.

But, before I get my client's hopes up,

I have to know how he really
feels about this other woman.

What if Mr. Kraft's
favorite color is lavender?

They'll have my blessings.

And I will have to live
with the knowledge that, uh...

I've destroyed a marriage
that could have worked out,

had Lydia Kraft not made the
unfortunate decision to hire me.

Maybe Mr. Kraft's being stood up?

Well, dating's a lot like war.

Mostly waiting.

Give it a few more minutes.

See? This case isn't so bad.

It's kinda romantic,
actually, playing Cupid.

Yeah, right. I don't look
half bad in a diaper either.

Must be hard for him dating again,
after all these years of not dating.

Yeah, well, I guess it is.

Well, at least we have
a nice place to wait.

We've waited in worse.

So...

What's up with you lately?

The usual stuff.

Eating, sleeping, exfoliating.

No, I mean the rest of your life.

Well, I hope to retire next year

and spend a lot of time
working on my ant farm.

No, David, I mean now.

You know, I only see
the part at the office.

I know there is a rest of your life.

Well, I have no life outside the office.

Come on, David.
Meeting any people?

- Here and there.
- Seeing any of them?

- Seeing them what?
- Dating.

Do you mean, am I going out with anyone?

- David.
- Your, uh, table is ready.

Thanks.

David, if you don't want
to talk about this, it's fine.

- I don't mind talking about this at all.
- After everything we've

been through, I want to know
we can talk to each other.

Well, we can talk to each other.

Talk is good.

- So how about you. You seeing anybody?
- Me?

- Yeah.
- Well, mostly, I'm busy, you know, at the office.

- But every now and then.
- Anyone interesting?

- No one you'd know.
- You want me to set you up with somebody?

- Thanks, but no thanks.
- Well, I'm just offering.

- So you didn't answer my question.
- Which question?

Are you seeing anyone?

Well, women, mostly.

David, is that her?

She's awfully young for him.

Doesn't mean they're not in love.

Or in lust.

- He's pulling out her chair.
- Yeah.

- That's a good sign.
- So?

So he's letting her know he's well-bred.

Yeah, close. I think he's letting
her know he wants to breed.

Nothing like a few phony-baloney manners
to get girls doing back flips for ya.

- I think it's sweet.
- I think it's phony.

David, you've pulled
plenty of chairs out for me.

See?
Works like a charm.

- She's got it bad, all right.
- What?

Well, look at her.

The way she's staring at his face,

hanging on his every word.

- So what?
- She finds him interesting,

compelling, magnetic.

It's also the best place to look
when you're not listening.

- Champagne.
- Booze.

He's trying to lavish
luxury on her, impress her.

He's trying to get her hammered.
Loosen up her inhibitions.

Maybe he just wants to
show her a good time.

Yeah.
As soon as possible.

- Hmm.
- Not talking.

- They have nothing in common.
- Or everything in common.

- They're bored with each other.
- Just because they're not screaming

and throwing things at
each other like most couples

- you see on TV.
- They should be able to communicate.

Well, maybe they
communicate somewhere else.

That's your trouble, David.
You think hot sex cures everything.

Well, it is an effective treatment for
localized high blood pressure in males.

Have we decided?

So far, it's a toss-up.
You're in the way.

I always wanted a string of pearls.

Yeah. You'd look
great in a pearl necklace.

My mother said that you're not
a woman until you have your own.

As your investment counselor, I would say you
take your half of the retainer and buy 'em.

- I can't just buy 'em.
- Better than shoplifting.

See, David. That's how
you and I are different.

If you see something
you want, you just buy it.

That's why you're always broke.

Geez, Louise, get
a load of that watch, will ya?

She's getting paid more to
go on this date than we are.

Well, maybe that's it.
Maybe she's just a gold digger.

A man buys a gift
to show his appreciation,

and it's the woman's fault?
How do you figure that?

Yeah, you're right. She's probably
not a gold digger.

No, go ahead, David. I'd like
to hear you explain yourself.

And wind up doing one of those long-winded
scenes where we disagree and talk fast?

No way.
No overlapping dialogue today.

Well, we sure haven't found out a lot.
What are we gonna tell Betty Russell?

That it's gonna take a little more time.

Something we don't have a whole lot of

before the divorce is final.

Well, she can't expect us to
just trail around and follow

one couple on one date and know
everything about their lives.

Guess you're right.

Course I'm right.

The whole point of dating is disinformation.
You want to look your best,

smell great, do everything you
can to make the other person

think that sex is the farthest
thing from your mind.

Sex is the only thing on your mind.

All I'm trying to say
is that these two ham bones

are still in the very early
stages of lovey dovism.

They're opening doors for each other

and trying to pretend that
looks aren't everything.

But someday, some morning,
they're gonna wake up,

look each other in the eye,
and they might just realize

- they hate each other's guts.
- You know, if you're a good judge of character,

you can tell everything about a person
the first time you meet them.

- Really?
- Yeah. I had you figured out the first time I met you.

- Loud, lewd, arrogant, messy--
- Irresponsible?

- Thank you.
- No surprises?

- None. An open book.
- Oh.

Then I must not be a very
good judge of character,

because, when I first met you,
there were a few surprises.

Obviously, you have
something on your mind, David,

- and I'd like to hear it.
- All right. Let me see.

- Nah, you'll just get mad at me.
- I won't get mad.

- Never mind.
- David.

Well...

I didn't know you had such
a problem being generous.

I have a problem being generous?
I am one of the most

- generous people I know.
- See? I knew you'd get mad at me.

I'm not mad. I'd just like
to know what reason you have

for thinking that
I'm not generous.

- No reason.
- There has to be a reason

- or you wouldn't have said it.
- Well...

it ain't like you ever gave me
any presents or anything.

- I've given you tons of presents.
- Tons?

- Lots.
- Name one.

- I'm thinking!
- Yeah. Right.

I can hear it.

I don't know if these kids are in love or not,
but they sure know how to waste an afternoon.

It was a sweater. A green sweater
with suede elbow patches.

- I gave it to you last year for your birthday.
- My birthday?

- April 9th.
- November 27th. Me and Jimi Hendrix.

And I ain't got no green sweater. Must have
been some other partner you slept with.

I know I gave you a sweater.

No sweater. No book.
No pen and pencil set.

Well, I didn't think you'd like presents.

Do you know anybody
who doesn't like presents?

Well, you never gave me a present either.

Well, I didn't want to embarrass you.

Well, I would have given you one

if you'd given me one.

Right.

Okay. Maybe I'm not the most
generous person in the world.

You have your foibles, too, David.

Yeah. I just heard
all about 'em. I'm messy.

I'm irresponsible.
I'm iggiw-aggity-oo.

Well, there's a few
I didn't quite bargain for too.

Well, I thought my life was
an open book, but go ahead.

No, David.

It's only fair. I took my shot at the free
throw line. Now take your shot at me.

I know what it is. You don't like
my singing in the shower.

I-- I like your singing in the shower.

Well, what is it? The toilet
seat think again, right?

No, David. Lots of other
men have that hang-up.

What, what, what? What is it,
like you read some book--

Some women's book,
tells you I'm not a good lover?

You're an okay lover.

You must mean "okay," like A-okay, right?

No, I mean you're a fantastic lover
in just about every category.

Well, maybe it is my fault, Maddie.
But I think six or seven times a night

for a man my age is pretty damn good.

I'm sure that a lot of women
don't mind being kissed hard.

Wait a minute. Are you telling
me that I kiss too hard?

Kissed. Past tense. And I'm
not saying you kiss too hard.

I'm just saying you
never let me kiss back.

David, I'm not saying you kiss badly.

No, I know what you're saying.
You're just expressing your preference. That's all.

That's right. A preference.
Not a criticism.

No criticism taken.

Well, at least she won't get any bruises.

- David, I'm really sorry.
- About what?

About the kissing thing. I was just
talking off the top of my head.

- No big deal.
- It's the furthest thing from a no big deal.

It's trivial. Really. It-- it isn't
that important how somebody kisses.

- Well, I don't know about that.
- It doesn't mean anything.

You were saying?

I've asked you volunteers to sign these
waivers holding Blue Moon and myself

completely blameless from any unforeseen
side effects of this experiment.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that
this project is highly classified.

You're brave subjects.

I want you to apply your
highest critical standards.

Evaluate the experimental stimuli with
complete clinical objectivity.

The future of scientific method
may hang in the balance.

Are you ready?

There is nothing more stimulating
than the pursuit of knowledge.

Miss Lamont, would you characterize that
as a duo-directional lipuslockus?

There is nothing more deadly

than a duo-directional lipuslockus.

- Girls, please don't beg me.
- David, I need to speak to you for a minute.

Nothing is more important to me than
the efficiency of Blue Moon.

If it's more paper clips you need,

well, then more paper clips you'll get.

- Right, Miss Hayes?
- Paper clips?

Absolutely.

Ladies, back to work now.

Thank you for your input.

And your output.

Love those kids.

David, I'm glad to see you taking interest

in the employees for a change.

Well, I care deeply about our staff.

Ancl that's not just lip service.
I called Betty Russell's office.

She's stuck in court all day.
I think we should go down there

and give her the good news
about Kraft's bad girl.

- Fine.
- What's that on your mouth?

Graffiti!
Those darn kids!

Spray paint oughta
be illegal. No one's safe.

Well, anyway, we have a little time.
I have some errands to run.

Run away. Don't mind
watching the store at all.

- David, are you all right?
- Yeah, sure.

Nothin' a little turpentine won't fix.

Send in the control group.

He's difficult to shop for.
Not that I've ever shopped for him before.

He's the kind of guy who has everything
only he doesn't have anything.

I'm not sure what
kind of present to buy him.

How about a watch?

He has a watch.

This one's gold.

It's beautiful.

But I'm not sure he's
a pocket watch kinda guy.

This one is 12.

Thousand?

He's definitely not
a pocket watch kinda guy.

Mr. Addison, you gotta do something!

- How's this?
- It's Herbert and MacGilicuddy!

- No, it's not Herbert and--
- They're at it again!

- Another brouhaha, huh?
- This is no haha.

And, if you don't hurry,
this is gonna be a boo-hoo-hoo.

Uh-huh.

Well, peace is my middle name.

What are they doing this time?

In the underground parking garage,

I left them rolling around in the grease.

Well, maybe their hands'||
be too slippery to tear flesh.

Hi, David!

Hi, Maddie.

Miss DiPesto, do we know why we're standing
here grinning at each other

like a bunch of drooling jack-0'-lanterns?

Some of us do.

Surprise!

Ta-da!

For you.

For me?

- This car?
- This car.

Well, you-- I-- I can't accept this car,
I mean, for-- for no good reason.

It's not for no good reason.
There are lots of reasons.

Well, I mean, I...

You shouldn't have done this. I...

You guys really shouldn't have done-- I...

- I can't accept this.
- Well, think of it as a company car, then.

Your company car.

It's a real sweetheart of a chariot, sir.

Great mileage.

But it goes like a bat outta hell.

It is pretty peppy-

Yeah. I can't wait for the chase scene.

Well, do you like it?

I like it.

I have never had anything like this.

- Hop in!
- Yeah, come on, sir. Try it on for size.

Vinyl dash.

Look of real wood.

Even got an AM radio.

Let's hear it for
Mr. Addison and his new car!

_ Hip-hip!
- hooray!

_ Hip-hip!
- hooray!

_ Hip-hip!
- hooray!

Do you think he knew?
I don't think he knew.

Well, Maddie.

For the first time
in my life, I'm speechless.

If I'd known that was gonna happen,
I would have clone this a long time ago.

Look, this isn't really-- and this isn't about
what I said, is it? I mean, 'cause--

Oh, well, maybe it made me think a little.

I wanted to get you something you
could use. Something you needed.

Something you could be proud of.

Do you really like it?

I was worried maybe you only wanted
to be seen in something sporty.

One of those road-hogging,
gas-guzzling mileage-busters?

No way.
This is much more...

- practical.
- Economical.

This is very sweet of you.

Thank you very much.

Betty Russell!
I forgot.

Let's take the bimmer. We want
to break this pup in real slow.

No, David. I can talk
to Betty Russell. You go ahead.

- You should take a spin in your new toy.
- No, no, no.

- No, go ahead. Really.
- No, no. Business first.

Really. I'll see you later.
Just drive carefully.

But-- but...

Yo, Bert!

That was a pretty good little job acting
up there in the office, Agnes.

You should consider a career in show biz.

You know, I came to
California to be an actress.

Really?
I didn't know that.

Yeah, but my personality dominated
all the characters I played.

Oh, Agnes. You're too healthy
a human for the acting game.

You lack the essential nothingness that
all truly great performers possess.

I was allergic to the grease paint too.

Uh, Bert, can I talk to you for a minute?

See you upstairs.

Bert, I've had my eye
on you for some time.

And, unless I missed my guess,
I think you're ready to graduate.

- Graduate?
- You ready to make the move to the varsity?

Varsity!

Say the word, sir!

Good.

I've got a case.
A big case.

Been workin' on it for a while.

I've left Miss Hayes out of
the loop because, frankly,

I think the element
of risk would frighten her.

- But we're men, right?
- Oh, indeed we are, sir.

- Men.
- Take this key.

Get in.

I want you to go to the corner
of 23rd and Del Fuego.

23rd and Del Fuego?

You're not scared, are you?

No, sir.
Of course not.

I mean, who cares if 23rd
and Del Fuego is only the most

crime-ridden piece of real estate
in the entire metropolitan jungle?

However, I'm a little
concerned about your new car.

Why don't we go back and get mine?

You're disappointing me here, Bert.

As an employee of Blue Moon,
your wheels would be recognized

by every two-bit operator in this burg.

This little roadster, on the other hand,

- Unsullied, unknown--
- A virgin.

God! Sorry, sir.
I wasn't thinking.

Gotta keep up with me here, Bertie-boy.

- Flash your lights three times.
- Why?

Just do it!

Now honk the horn twice.

All right.
That should do it.

Excuse me for asking, sir,

but exactly what did that do?

Letting our operative know

we made it out of
Sector 4 in one piece.

- Okay, you're heading to The Last Roundup.
- I was afraid of that.

The bar on the corner
of 23rd and Del Fuego.

I thought the police shut that dive down.

Re-opened under new management.

Some investors from Sicily.

Oh!

- Keep driving. Eyes straight ahead.
- What is it?

- Just hope they didn't spot me.
- Who?

- The man with the umbrella from the grassy knoll.
- Oh, my God.

Once we get to the bar,
go to the payphone in the back.

Wait.
The phone'|| ring, twice,

stop, then ring again.

Answer it and say,
"The cheese stands alone."

- Say it back to me.
- The cheese stands alone.

- You got it?
- Got it.

Good.
Oh. I'm forgetting something.

When you get there,
leave the car in the alley

behind the bar with
the keys in it, running.

- In that neighborhood? Are you crazy?
- It's not my idea.

It's the signal for our contact.
He'll give you instructions what to do next.

What happens if the car
is vandalized or stolen?

We'll have to take that chance. Anyway,
that's why God created insurance companies.

- Drop me at the next corner.
- Where are you going?

You want me to tell you that
so they can cut it out of you?

Welcome to the majors, Bert.

I'd like to call Mrs.
Lydia Kraft to the stand, please.

Calling Lydia Kraft to the stand.

- Am I late?
- Just started.

Pappas wants to beat up on Lydia
a little before we talk dollars.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,

nothing but the truth, so help you God?

-Ida
- Be seated.

Please state your
full name for the record.

Lydia Budroe Kraft.

- What is your current address, Ms. Kraft?
- How'd we do?

Good news. Turns out
Nathan Kraft

isn't the only name
on Joleen's dance card.

Matter of fact, I hope she took
a shower before she came here.

- How long were you and your husband married?
- 17 years.

How many of them were happy?

14... maybe.

- 14 years.
- We'll let this windbag do his dance.

I'll ask for a recess,
and then we'll talk to Nathan.

As I understand it,
you charged your husband

with mental cruelty,
Mrs. Kraft. Is that correct?

Yes.

Based on what?

Nathan is a very cold man.

He would ignore me and...

act as if I weren't there.

I could deal with that,
but then he'd turn on me

out of absolutely nowhere.
I could be in a restaurant.

I could be at home.
It didn't matter. He'd blow up.

And everything was my fault.

- Always.
- Understandable behavior, perhaps,

given the circumstances.

What do you think drove your husband
to grow so... cold towards you?

I don't know.

Was he aware, perhaps,
that you were sleeping

with his friend and partner,
William Raymond?

Objection, Your Honor!

Assuming facts not in evidence.

There is no foundation
for this line of questioning.

It is argumentative, insulting,
and humiliating for my client,

who is not on trial here.

Your Honor,

I'll rephrase the question.

Are you sleeping with
your husband's partner?

Remember you're under oath, Mrs. Kraft.

Yes.

No further questions.

Not a dime!
Not a dime! You hear me?

You slut! You hear me?

Bailiff, please restrain Mr. Kraft.

You slut! You don't--

Get your hands--

Damn you! And damn
Bill Raymond!

- Stop that now.
- Get your hands off me!

Get your hands off me!

Your Honor, we request a 20-minute recess.

Mr. Kraft, sit down!

Bill Raymond!
Take your hands off me!

You get your hands off me!
Get your hands--

I'm sorry.

Well, so much for my good intentions.

Spit and slide under.

Nice pecs.

I, uh-- I realize that this isn't exactly...

Blue Moon dress code, sir, but I...

I had a...

a situation at 23rd and Del Fuego.

Looks like they really cleaned you out.

- They got everything.
- Everything?

My wallet, my sport coat, my Florsheims.

I had to get down on my knees
and beg to keep my trousers.

Well, now, don't worry about it,
Bert. Sit down, please.

Thank you, sir.
I'd rather stand.

What's a little stolen property
between colleagues? Look...

Take this money. Run out and get yourself
a new wardrobe, courtesy of Blue Moon.

And here.

- Here's for the cab.
- What cab?

Well, you didn't walk back from
23rd and Del Fuego, did you?

No. I drove.

You don't think that I would let a
band of zip gun-toting hooligans

make off with your new car, sir?

They didn't steal the car?

The truth, Bert.

I can't lie to you, sir.

You of all people
deserve to know the truth.

Your car is safe and sound.

Though through no valor on my part.

I tried to trade
Miss Hayes' gift to you...

for my Florsheims.

They didn't take the deal?

No. Thank God.

Apparently, fuel efficiency

isn't a big priority with the Crips.

Well, I...

I understand if you feel the need
to terminate my employment.

Ah, hold on a minute.

Here.
Put this on.

It's chilly in here,
and it's not polite to point.

Thank you.

Nice pecs.

- How'd it go in court?
- It didn't.

Turns out that Mr. Kraft's
partner and Mrs. Kraft

have been conducting
a little business of their own.

Of all the low-down,
two-timing slimy things to do.

- His own partner.
- His own partner!

- Mrs. Kraft must be built like a brick--
- David!

Hold that tirade.

Hello?

Uh-huh.

What?

Ouch.

Okay.
Yeah.

Let me call you back.
Bye-bye.

- That was Betty Russell.
- Don't tell me. She wants us to prorate our fee

- because the case didn't have a happy ending?
- You're the one that wanted to

go into business with "The Barracuda."

But business seems to be picking up.

She wanted to offer us
a raise. Combat pay.

Nathan Kraft just iced his partner.

Cops can't find him. Betty Russell thinks
her client needs a bodyguard.

I wouldn't want to trade places
with Lydia Kraft right now,

sitting in that limousine
feeling responsible.

I wouldn't want to trade places
with that partner right now,

lying in that coffin feeling dead.

- How does it feel?
- Pretty clammy, I hope.

- No. I mean the car.
- Oh, fine.

- Corners well.
- Yeah.

I bet if I put the pedal to the plastic,

we'd blow the doors off that limo.

- You don't like it, do you?
- I didn't say that.

You didn't have to.
David, I know it's not

the car of your dreams, but
it'll get you there and back.

I really like this car.
It's a terrific car. Really.

- Really?
- Really. And it was incredibly sweet of you to buy it for me.

Probably the second-sweetest
thing you've ever done.

The other time was about a year ago.
A windy day. You forgot to wear undies.

David, when are you gonna get
tired of doing underwear jokes?

Never.

This is all my fault.

Oh, Lydia, don't blame yourself.

I might as well have
pulled the trigger myself.

Oh, God. I know what
kind of a man Nathan is.

I know how jealous he is.
I know what his temper is like.

Just Friday afternoon, I met
Bill out at the beach house.

We were making love.

And I became scared of what would happen
if Nathan found out about us.

He just laughed.

He said that I was worth dying over.

Well, he was wrong.

Lydia, please stop doing this to yourself.

I won't be doing it for long.
My husband will be...

getting me next.

David, look.

Not a bad job. We should get
the number of his makeup man.

David, I swear
I know that man.

Yeah. You two should stay in touch.

He probably don't kiss too hard.

We come together in this place today...

to honor and remember...

William Raymond.

Why Bill was taken from us

in such a sudden and tragic way...

none of us will ever know.

Only the good Lord in his infinite wisdom

understands the purpose
of what seems to us...

- Pssst!
- so purposeless.

But even in our
moment of sorrow let us reflect

- on the many ways...
- David, I know I know that man.

- Huh?
- Bill's life enriched our own.

We remember Bill for many things.

We remember his kindness, his warmth...

his generosity.

He was a hard kisser!

What?

- What?
- His love of the outdoors,

In the hotel with that girl.

- What girl?
- The receptionist.

What?

- Let us also...
- The gold digger.

What?

- What was her name?
- Genevieve?

-Jeanne?
- Joleen.

- Joleen.
- with a blue water view.

A blue water view and
the fireplace he loved so much.

Hey. Didn't you say you were with
the deceased Friday afternoon?

Mr. Addison, can't this wait?

She couldn't have been with Raymond.

We saw him with Joleen
10 miles from the beach.

- At the hotel.
- Now there's a receptionist who takes her job seriously.

- Perhaps he can best say goodbye...
- Obviously you're mistaken.

And obviously you have
no respect for the dead.

By the shore of Gitchee Gumee,

- by the shining Big-Sea-Water...
- Lydia...

- At the doorway of the Wigwam...
- Why did you lie to us?

- Hiawatha stood and waited.
- What are you talking about?

What reason would
I have to lie?

To frame Nathan for murder.

With him in prison and the partner dead,

you get the company.

You're crazy.

Why settle for alimony
when you can have everything?

The big mistake you made
was crossing "The Barracuda!"

David, how could you leave
the keys in your new car?

- Oh, how could I be so careless? I'm so ashamed!
- Come on.

- Why?
- It's the chase. It's called the "chase" because

that's what we're supposed
to do is chase. Now move it!

Rest in peace!

You know, Maddie...

part of me died with that car.

Thanks.

Come on.

I, uh...

I think this will settle accounts.

Well working with
a professional of your stature

is reward unto itself, but...

- this don't hurt either.
- We're looking forward

to working with you again really soon.

Well, that might not be
for a while. I'm, uh...

chucking my legal briefs
and, uh, getting into poodles.

Nothing to be ashamed about.

Certain West African tribes practice
rituals that here in the--

You're leaving the legal profession?

Finally.

I thought about going into
other aspects of jurisprudence--

Advocacy, uh, public defense.

Someplace where I could make a difference.

But you know what?

I realize that this world has

too many lawyers and not enough poodles.

Presidents have been elected
on flimsier platforms.

Well, I've always loved dogs and, uh...

I'm going to close my practice,
and Nathan and I are going to open a kennel.

- Nathan?
- Nathan?

- Nathan.
- Nathan Detroit?

- Kraft.
- Divorce can make strange bedfellows.

And he is one terrific guy.

Well, he's certainly
getting a terrific gal.

Thanks.

Well, I have to go.

He wants me to check out, uh...

toy purebreds.

They're cute but hard to breed.

Very neurotic.

Please...

keep in touch, hmm?

I will. I'm in the market
for a French pet myself.

Don't that beat all?

Well, didn't strike me as the poodle type.

Well, David, you have to admire her.
She's going after what she wants.

And, uh...

just what do you want,
Madelyn Hayes?

Nothing, really.

Everything, really?

No. Well, of course
there are a few things.

Wait a minute.
What the--

David--

Holy cow. How did that get back there?

David.
You didn't!

David, you can't-- I mean,
how did you pay for these?

None of your beeswax.

You promised me that you were gonna

save your money from now on.

Yeah.
My money.

I didn't say anything about the insurance
money I got for the teeny-mobile.

David.

Well, it is more blessed
to give than receive,

and since I am
the blessed one around here...

Thank you.

Not bad.

You've been practicing.

Thank the girls for me.