All language subtitles for S04E05-en

LET. gm?

Will you please tell me what is so bad?

I just don't want to do
it, that's all. Do you mind?

This is our chance!
Come on!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

It is our distinct pleasure--

It isn't my pleasure, Bert.

This isn't our job. It's Miss
Hayes' and Mr. Addison's job.

They introduce the shows,

they sit on the desk
and turn on the projector.

- They do! Not us.
- Oh, yeah?

Where are they to do their job?
They know where they are.

She's in Chicago, sitting
around in her bathrobe...

not even watching the show!

Probably.

Mr. Addison is off moping someplace

trying to decide if he should
even come in to work today.

That's not the point, Bert.

This is Miss Hayes'
and Mr. Addison's show.

Tonight is a special two-part episode.

Two parts! All about Mr.
Addison and Miss Hayes,

and about how he feels about her.

Do you see anything
about you and me in here?

Well...

there's some stuff!

A pinch, maybe.

Well, all the more reason
why we should open the show.

- Bert...

Miss Hayes gets sacks of fan mail...

and so does Mr. Addison...

and I get my share.

But let's be honest.

No one's crowding into the den to see you.

I mean, Herbert Viola is not exactly the
reason the homework's not getting done.

Frankly...

I'm not sure America
has made up it's mind about you.

They haven't?

You haven't?

I'm going to turn
the projector on now, Bert,

so that these nice people can watch
what they sat down to see.

You know who.

America...

Come on!

Please?

He gets a little carried away,

but he grows on you.

Miss Hayes leaving has everyone upset.

But I know she'll be back any day now.

I mean, I think she'll be back
any day now.

I know I'd hurry back.

She'll be back any day now.

Of course if she isn't...

it's not like there aren't
other people around here.

People who could...

carry the show!

Comfy chair.

Red robin comes bob, bob,

Hello, Agnes.
It's me... Maddie.

Miss Hayes!

Just calling to say hi.

Hi!

Hi.

Not much happening at this end.

Actually, I do have some news.

I just found out I'm pregnant.

A baby?

I had to tell somebody.

A baby?

I just wasn't sure who
that someone should be.

Then I thought of you.

- A baby?
- Makes sense, right?

I mean, that's the way
nature's supposed to work.

Besides, my biological clock is ticking.

Agnes...

you're the only person
I've told,

and you have to promise
not to tell anyone.

Not even Mr. Addison?

Not even Mr. Addison.
Especially not Mr. Addison.

Okay.

Well, I guess that's all my news.

So I guess I'll say...

A baby!

Wow.

Agnes, thank god you've come!

I've been here since 4 a.m.

on the off chance you'd come in early

to water the ferns.

Agnes, I owe you
and MacGilicuddy an apology

for my behavior yesterday.

You were right.
The only thing I cared about

was old numero uno,

Herbert Quentin Viola.

Last night, I found myself
up to my neck in hot water,

cornea to cornea with temptation,

the devil with the blue dress on.

Actually, her dress was off,
but be that as it may,

when I looked into those tinted contacts,

did I see warmth, compassion, love?

No.

I saw a selfish, gluttonous fiend...

my own reflection.

Can you ever find it in your heart

to forgive me?

Agnes.

Huh?

Haven't you heard anything I've said?

Something about Mitch Ryder

and the Detroit Wheels?

Agnes, you're flushed.

- Is something wrong?
- Uh-uh. No way.

You can whip me, beat me, keelhaul me.

- Agnes!
- It's no use, Herbert. The secret dies with me.

What secret?

Oh, no, you don't.
If anyone ever found out,

well, it would be awful,
and it wouldn't be fair.

Fair to whom?

The love child, that's who!

Agnes, what is this nonsense?

Nonsense? Nonsense?

You men make me sick.

Do you have to carry
the baby around for months?

Do you have to go
through the agony of childbirth?

NO. I CIO!

I'm the one!

Baby?

MacGilicuddy!

I should have known!

Laying that sob story
on you about his wife.

Slinking off with you after work.

And on top of all that,

his duck is in my oven.

MacGilicuddy?

Oh! Oh, that...

One-eyed Jack, that...

Lucky Pierre.

This isn't MacGilicuddy's baby.

I don't think.

Agnes, how many men have you been with?

Me?

I'm not the one who's pregnant.

You're not?

No.

Miss Hay--

Miss Hayes?

Miss Hayes is pregnant?

I wasn't supposed to say anything.

You can't tell a soul.

Miss Hayes is having a ba--

Cross your heart and hope to die?

Shouldn't eat garlic

first thing in the morning, Bert.

Oh, Mr. Addison...

You crossed your heart.

Is this the face of a man
who'll spill the beans

once he's given his word?

I'm just going in there

and update Mr. Addison
on the Anselmo case.

This secret goes with
me to the organ bank.

Herbert Viola,

if you breathe a word of this to anyone,

you're going to be at that organ bank

a lot sooner than you bargained for.

Come in.

Good morning, sir.

Mind if I speak with you for a second?

Gab away.

This wouldn't happen to be
about our little

Kama Sutra convention
last night, would it?

Well, sort of, sir.

That's what happens
when you leave the ball game

in the middle of the seventh inning.

You got to wait till the next morning
to get the play-by-play.

Ah!

I, uh, take it you stayed
for the whole game?

All 19 innings.

Wow!

You're an animal, sir.

But did you ever think about, uh...

responsibility, commitment, growing up?

I mean, I've got this little voice inside

that keeps nagging me.

Drown it out, turn up the music.

Sir, I want to, sometimes, but...

then again,
I can't deny the fact

that Agnes is the right woman...

the only woman for me.

You know what I mean, sir?

A woman's got to be more than
just a favorite chair, Bert.

I guess maybe
I'd better get back to work.

Uh, but suppose someone...

suppose me.
Suppose that...

although I didn't realize it at the time,

a woman I was dating
was expecting my baby.

Now, I'd want to know if she was pregnant.

Wouldn't you?

Agnes?

No, no, this has nothing to do with Agnes.

Who, then? Somebody I know?

It's fair to say that you have

a more than nodding acquaintance

with the individual.

A coworker?

Uh, I don't know really if I can say, sir.

I mean, it's a very delicate subject.

I mean, promises have been made,
oaths taken.

I understand, but as administrator
of our health plan,

it is my duty to care for the well-being

of each member of our Blue Moon family.

Out With it.

I don't know if I'm at liberty
to say, sir.

Bert, this is no time
to stand on principle.

If you're playing taps

because some squaw's
carrying your papoose--

Mine, sir?

No, sir.

Yours, sir.

What are you talking about?

I haven't knocked anybody up.

Not just anybody, sir.

- You knocked up the boss.
- What?

Please don't be angry
with me, Mr. Addison.

Agnes swore me--

Agnes knows?

She is going to smear me with jam

and bury me in an anthill

if she finds out
I've spilled my guts.

Miss Hayes is having a baby?

Our Miss Hayes?

I just thought you should know, sir.

Thanks, Bert.

I've got to catch a plane.

No problem, sir.
I'm here...

24 hours a clay, and, Mr. Addison,

I faithfully pledge

to execute my duties--

Just make sure the trash
gets taken out, Bert.

I'll bag it and stack it myself, sir.

Oh, Mr. Addison.

About Miss Hayes.

I hope congratulations are still in order.

Hello.

How long have you known?

You were going to tell me, weren't you?

I mean, that you're, um...

that you're pregnant?

I'm really not ready
to have this conversation.

Well, I'm getting on
the next plane to Chicago.

No, please don't. Please--

Youngladyu.

Is this a personal call

we are making on company time?

Hello, to what area code am I speaking?

That better not have been long distance.

Herbert Quentin Viola.

How could you?

Well, personal calls on company time

are a huge drain on corporate resources.

You swore an oath, gave me your word.

I took you into my confidence,

and how did you repay my trust, huh?

Agnes, what are you so upset about?

You know very well why I'm upset.

Mr. Addison took off
like a bat out of heck,

and you and I both know

what he was flapping his wings about.

Perhaps he had an urgent appointment?

Or maybe your big fat yap

isn't the only thing
you can't keep zipped.

May I remind you that you are addressing

the acting supervisor
of Blue Moon investigations?

Yeah, well, get your acting

supervisor's butt in here.

Have you lost your mind?

Mr. Addison left me
in control of this office.

I am the capo de/ tutt/ cap/ around here.

Well, listen to me,
Mr. tutti-frutti.

I took you at your word,

but your word isn't worth
the spit it's spoken with.

You just had to tell Mr. Addison
about the baby.

Do you really think so little of me?

That I'm some kind of two-timing,

duplicitous weasel?

Look me in the eyes

and tell me you didn't go into his office

and drool a whole bibful about the baby.

Okay, I told him,
but he would have found out

sooner or later anyway.

I mean, Mr. Addison is one of the finest

investigative minds of his generation.

Oh, Agnes.

I didn't want to betray your confidence.

I hated it, but I had to do it...

for his own good...

for Miss Hayes' own good.

Hell, for the baby's own good.

You know Mr. Addison,
the well-tailored executive.

I have been privy
to the after-hours Addison,

and I could not stand by

and watch him sow his wild oats

when he already has
a bumper crop in Chicago.

Okay, fine.
Hate me if you want to.

But from where I was standing,

I had a moral obligation to do what I did,

and if I'm ever confronted
with the same dilemma again,

I can assure you that I wouldn't
do anything different.

I don't hate you.

I'll just never be able to trust you,

and Miss Hayes will never
be able to trust me.

She didn't tell Mr. Addison.

She didn't even tell her parents.

She told me.

You've ruined that.

Agnes, I am truly sorry,

but what's done is done.

It'll blow over.

I'll bet in a week, the two
of us will look back on this

and have a good chuckle.

Okay, a month.

Six weeks, tops.

I mean, we are not the kind of people

who are going to allow
an honest difference of opinion

to come between us.

You can count on it.

Oh, Agnes...

I hate arguing with you...

but I must confess
that there is a part of me

that always looks forward to making up.

What do you say, tonight,

you and me curl up

with a cold bottle of champagne

and keep each other warm?

You can forget about tonight,

tomorrow night,

and every other night.

From now on, I've got my anger
to keep me warm.

May I have your attention, please?

Hi.

I need to get on flight 88 to Chicago.

I'm sorry, sir,
that flight is all filled up.

I can put you on stand-by if you like.

Is that the best you can do?

I'm afraid so.

Don't bother.

I'll just have to find something
else to do this episode.

Kentucky's finest.

Make it a double.

And don't tell me
how early it is in the morning.

Have you ever noticed
how these airport bars

look the same everywhere you go?

I mean, look.
It's the same paneling,

same, uh, carpeting.

Looks like the same bartender.

Hey, Hundley, zip it.

You know, I took a wrong turn

into the booze myself a few years ago.

A problem with a lady.

Yeah, there's always a lady
in there somewhere.

Yeah.

She's having a baby,

very possibly mine,

and I can't even get a flight
out of this damn place

so I can go throw pebbles at her window.

I'd trade places with anybody in this bar.

Why don't you raise a little hell?

Pick up the phone and call the airline.

Ask for the supervisor.

Better yet, go to
the chairman of the board

and read him the riot act.

Look, I know what you're afraid of.

You're afraid you don't
know what to say to her

when she does come to the window.

Oh, I know exactly
what I'm going to say to her.

Yeah?

Well, then why are you marinating yourself

in ethanol, huh?

Because...

it's easier.

I could sit here,

run my credit card up to the limit,

stumble out of here,

and fall into a trash bin

for the next 20 years.

Yeah. Then you wake up,

and you hate yourself

because it's too late

to throw those pebbles at that window.

Excuse me.

Um, another soda for my associate here.

I'd really like to watch

those big guys take off, huh?

Look at that.

Watch them slip off

those surly bonds of earth.

Hello. Ah--

This is Senator Wiltern calling.

Yes, I have got to get to Chicago

as fast as humanly possible.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

This is an emergency here.

You've heard of a little thing
called the beef crisis?

The president himself
has asked me to intervene.

I'm ta--

I am talking to you

about a threat to national security.

Now, unless you want your grandchildren

to grow up eating soy burgers,

don't talk to me about flying stand-by.

Excellent, excellent.

The oval office appreciates
your cooperation.

- Hey, how'd it go?
- Great. I got a flight in 15 minutes.

Thanks for the pep talk.

Well, you looked like you could use it.

You're quite a student of human nature.

Well, you know, I like to get
inside people's heads.

What happened to him?

All danced out, I guess.

Let me get these drinks.

Well, that's very nice of you.

Uh, Scott Hundley.

David, David Addison.

How are you?

Hey, what the-- What?

- You want to trade places? You got it.
- Hey!

Hey, come back here.

Hey!

Hey, stop that guy!
Don't let him get away!

Somebody call the police!

Another step, and I'll break
your neck, Hundley.

Hundley? I'm not Hundley!

Of course not.
You're Vanna White.

Looks like Harry here
fell off the wagon again.

Hardly blame him,

chained to this bag of crud all day long.

Look, my name is David Addison.

I'm a private investigator.

Check my I.D.

He stole my wallet!

What are you doing?

My job, taking you back to prison.

Pflson?
Look, you're making a mistake.

My name is David Addison.

You got the next 99 years
to straighten it out.

Get your last looks.

Big house over that hill.

Best news I had since they started
making red M&M's again.

You're one of those freaks

who likes it better on the inside, huh?

The sooner I get there,
the sooner I get out.

Yeah, me too.

You should have seen my lawyer's face drop

when they sentenced me to this place.

Worst of the worst degenerates...

they dump them here.

It's a living hell.

You're lucky if you get
three squares a day.

What did you do to get here?

Forgot to clean my fingernails.

Land you in prison every time.

They found bits of my boss under them.

Through the door!
One at a time.

Let's go. Let's go.

Hold it, don't pull on the chain.

Quiet!

All the way down.

Move it.

Let's go. Move it.
On the yellow line.

Move it. Move it.

Put your left arm up.

Put your arms down.

When I tell you,
put your personal belongings

on the counter.

- Do this--
- Excuse me, officer.

I know, you're probably up to your eyeballs
trying to keep the arsonists

from torching the ax murderers

and the ax murderers from Julienning
the rapists, so I'll be brief.

Put your hands in your pockets
before I cut them off.

I know this probably represents
a little paperwork to you,

but when you weigh that
against my rights as a citizen

- of the greatest democracy
in the world, I don't-- - Griggs.

- Should I speak to Mr.--
- Got him?

- Yeah. Bottoms up! Idiot!
- Hey!

What am I, in prison for a debt?

Didn't you hear what I said?

Hey!

Next.

To me,

this is more than just a prison.

- Come on!
- It's a community,

and you men have been invited to live

in the community
because you're world-class scum.

In any community, everybody's got a job.

My job is simple...

take care of any problems.

Your job is simple, too...

not to be a problem.

So our two jobs are the same.

And when they ain't the same,

we got a conflict of interest.

And whenever there's
a conflict of interest...

well, I got a place in the hole

to help you learn your job better.

What you think, I don't care.

What you feel,
I don't give a rat's butt.

What you want don't mean zero.

So it stacks up like this.

You're late for work,

that's two days in the hole.

You miss a meal,

that's three clays in the hole.

You take a shower once a week,

and you cut your hair twice a month,

or it's four days in the hole.

And if you fight...

or mouth off...

well, maybe the hole is too good for you.

Hey, Rob, look at this!
Check it out!

Hey, lover boy.

You and me got a hot date tonight.

Look what's here...

some fresh meat.

Hey, sailor, looking
for a little action, man?

Hubba hubba!

Hey, sweetheart.
I'll visit you later.

Look what the cat dragged in.

Home sweet home.

Don't worry. It's not locked.

Captain Shank likes the screws

to clang the door in your face.

Gets him sexually aroused.

Name's Arnie Steckler.

I was hoping to bunk

with somebody else tonight,
Arnie.

Nice to meet you.

Uh... your mattress has a ditch in it.

But then again, they all do.

No mints on my pillow?

I told them it was okay

to stick you in here with me.

We all heard the stories,
Hundley.

Everybody was squawking
about getting stuck with you,

but I says, "Live and let live."

I guess you could say that's my motto...

"Live and let live."

Is it true you played tether ball

with that parole officer's head?

Croquet.

You better remember

who the hell you're talking to.

When I want something, Pygmy,

I don't want to hear any crap out of you!

Do you understand?

Now give me that!
I told you, man.

I don't like easy listening music!

Hey, Derek!

That's Derek.

Let me guess.
He runs the prayer group.

Short fuse.
It's a congenital thing.

The doctors are studying him.

Hey.

Where is he?

Hey, he's down there.

- Uh-oh!
- Here's action, man.

Ha ha. I want to watch this.

It's going to be good.

Good night, Irene.

Ha ha!

There it is.

I thought I smelled new meat.

Back up, come in again,

and this time, say, "Fee, fi, f0, fum."

Derek, Mad Dog Hundley.

Mad Dog, Derek--

Hundley.

Mad Dog Hundley in our prison

and in my cell block.

So how do you like it so far, Mad Dog?

Can you put your leg behind your ear

and scratch where it itches?

They told me you was a tough guy.

Are you a tough guy?

I got my wolf badge,
if that's what you mean?

You ain't gonna do here what you did
in them other prisons, Hundley.

You got that?

Look around you, man.
This joint belongs to me.

You ain't taking it over.
You see?

You tell him, man!

Did a nice job with it, too.

Yeah, that's right, man.

And I want to see what
kind of job you can do...

on my shoes.

You're going to shine them,

and I'm going to show you how,
so listen up.

Apply the polish evenly,

then buff 100 times.

And don't use a rag.

Use a chamois.

I'll be back tomorrow first thing,

and I want to be able
to shave in that shine...

Mad Dog.

Afiafi!

This better be a dream episode.

Derek really likes it when you
use edge black along the soles.

You want to get gutted?

He gets these shoes custom-made

all the way from Italy.

He ought to buy American.

Look, Mad Dog,
why don't you lighten up a bit?

I know it's your first night,

so if you want to be by yourself,

I could sit on my bunk and face the wall.

I just want to get out of here,
that's all.

Oh, don't worry about that feeling.

You'll get over it in about 5 or 10 years.

Get up, get up, get up, get up.

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.

That's beautiful, Herbert.

Agnes?

Yes?

What is all that stuff on your face?

Come on up.

I'll buzz you in.

You're in like Flynn, kid.

You're the greatest, Uncle Phil.

Who is it?

I've never been serenaded before.

I've never serenaded anyone before.

You still have some on your cheek.

I love guacamole.

About this morning--

Shh!

None of that matters now.

I disgraced myself.

A couple of hours ago, I--

I placed an overseas phone call.

The foreign legion is willing
to consider my application.

It will be a great way to learn French.

You don't have to par/ez-vous, Bert.

This morning was really all my fault.

I'm the one who blurted
out the secret, not you.

I'm the one who I should never see again.

So I made a call, too,

to Miss Hayes...
to apologize.

How did she take it?

She told me not to lose any sleep over it.

She was going to tell
Mr. Addison herself anyway.

Well, good.

At least they can, um...

thrash it out face-to-face.

No.

She said Mr. Addison
hasn't shown up in Chicago.

I wonder where he is?

Agnes...

I'm here.

Would you mind...

losing a little sleep over me?

Oh, Bert.

All right. Let's shake it up.

Everybody, let's go. Let's go.

Let's move it.

Open up cell block two.

Cellblock two open.

- Hundley, up and at 'em.
- What?

Uh...

I don't care what you did
to those 13 baby-sitters.

I ain't going to lose
my canteen privileges

because you're late for a meal.

I was having a nightmare.

I was at the zoo,

except all the animals

were walking around, and I was--

Everybody UP-

Let's go. Now.

What did you do?

I had to get up in
the middle of the night.

It was dark.

We're dead.

Hey, HUNGRY'.!

Derek. Uh...

S-s-- Morning, sir.
Did you sleep well?

Where's my shoes?

We had a little problem with the shoes.

What kind of problem?

- Better tell him.
- Uh...

Hundley here almost gave you
back your shoes

without putting on the new soles

that I made for them in the shop.

What was wrong with the old soles?

You tell him.

You ever heard of a condition called

flattus feet is it is?

- Is that bad?
- Is it bad?

Look, man, if you don't get
the proper arch support,

it's a foregone conclusion.

And that's just for starters.

Then you got your bunions, arthritis...

- Gout.
- Gout.

Steckler here is just trying to keep you

out of a wheelchair, that's all.

Yeah. We're going to have them fixed up,

as good as new.

Better than new.
Put some taps on them.

You're going to love this.

Make you feel like a king,

like you're walking on water...

across an ocean of perfumed,

silky ladies underwear.

Yeah, I like that.

He likes it.

Good.

Have them for you, say, next week?

No. First thing tomorrow.

Where am I going to get taps?

I'll send you some as soon as I get out,

which ought to be about five minutes

after I talk to the warden.

Yeah, piece of cake.
Maybe he's even going

to toss you the keys to his Caddy.

All right, maggots.

It's chow time. Let's move it.

May I see a wine list, please?

You gents mind if I join you?

You must be the foreign
exchange prisoners.

Welcome to our land.

You're going somewhere else.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

He's a new guy.

He don't mean nothing. Honest.

He's a new guy.

Rule number one...

chocolate and vanilla don't mix.

What's the problem?
I'm down with the brothers.

We listen to the same radio stations.

Look, you know my motto,
Mad Dog.

Live and let live.

- Yeah.
- You're on the inside,

you stick with your own kind,

unless you got something

against breathing.

You lucky bastard.

You don't want it?

Trying to cut down.

Cuban.

Scarf ace used to have these
sent in from Havana.

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Darwin wants you to go with him

to the prison rodeo.

Who's Darwin?

Aah!

What am I, chopped liver?

Aah!

Back, Darwin! Back!

Whoa! Aah!

Just in time, constable.

Party's getting a little wild.
Whoa!

Leave it.

It might tighten your pores.

Yo, room service.

Want to send up a bed?

How about some clean towels
and a basket of fruit?

I can explain everything,
Maddie.

"Um... you could explain

"where you were during
nine months of pregnancy,

"labor, potty training,

kindergarten?"

Yeah. I was in prison.

"Prison?"

Pflson.

"Sure you didn't just

fall off some bar stool and have amnesia?"

That's great.

Go ahead, make jokes, Maddie.

I didn't really come here to see you.

"Well, at least we agree on something,

because I don't want to see you, either."

I came here to see the kid.

I want to let him know
that he's got a father.

"You're not his father.

You're just some mistake
I made a long time ago."

I got a right, Maddie.

"He doesn't even know you.

I never told him about you."

You never told him about me?

"What was I supposed to say,
David?

"You just disappeared.

"Where were you, David?

"Where were you, David?

"Where were you, David?
Where were you, David?

Where were you, David?"