All language subtitles for Mock The Week S23E03

Read about the things that happen
throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or
hear.

And welcome to another summer special
episode of Mock the Week. I'm Daryl

Joining me this week are Sarah Keyworth,
Rhys James and Ed Byrne, Glenn Moore,

Maisie Adam and Chris Ramsey.

We start tonight with a round call. This
is the answer to what is the question.

On the board are six categories.

Maisie, which category would you like?

Sports. Please.

Excellent. Your topic is sport.

If the answer is 5 .5 billion, what is
the question?

Is it, since I was last on Mock the
Week, how many times have people asked

how's life in the dirt?

It's good to be back.

Is it, when Elon Musk puts on a jacket
that he hasn't worn in a while, what's

pleasantly surprised to find in one of
the pockets?

Is it, after attempting to be sexy
wearing edible underwear on a camping

holiday? How many ants devoured my
penis?

Is it the amount of times I'll introduce
myself to Dara before I get used to the

glasses?

It's still weird. I've been here for
three weeks. It's not weird.

It's not weird.

It's like you're trying to make it even
easier to get you in Guess Who.

Yeah, four eyes.

Is it what... the collective sperm count
of the band five.

And you know, they've done that
collection more than once.

Is it how many miles in the wrong
direction would I have to travel before

eventually admitting to my wife, maybe
we took a wrong journey?

Is it, I recently bought a Rolex from a
market stall. What time does it

currently say it is?

Bearing in mind the average ejaculate
contains 200 million sperm, how many of

the little guys did I leave in a hotel
jacuzzi at the weekend?

Is it how many book publishers have
turned down my Iranian Jane Austen

adaptation, Do You Speak Farsi, Mr.
Darcy?

So many questions answered by the title.

Imagine if that was the answer. We have
to now talk about that.

Is it how much I'm getting paid for
being the voice of the Asda advert? So

can shove your jokes up your arse,
actually.

Before you get there.

It's a very reputable brand.

Is it how many comedians started a
podcast with their wife during lockdown?

Stupid idea.

He'll never catch on.

I don't know why I started a podcast
with your wife, Chris.

He's in.

How many horses have there ever been?

I wish that was the story. I wish
somebody had counted all the horses.

up all the bones.

What's the average number?

It's the biggest number. It's the
biggest number.

Does anyone have the correct answer,
please?

Is it World Cup related?

Is it World Cup related?

Is it what the expected viewing figures?

It's absolutely right. Thank you very
much, Ben.

Yes,

Chris, I was looking for what. What is
the expected global audience for the

World Cup? This is news that, as you
might have noticed, the FIFA World Cup

underway last week across Canada, Mexico
and the USA.

Obviously, that's nonsense -y 5 .5
billion, because that would be the total

population of the world, minus India,
and men who don't like watching women

present sports programmes.

I mean, even just proportionately on
here, sitting at this desk, how many

aren't going to bother watching the
World Cup?

I'll watch England, but I'm not watching
any of that.

That sounds really racist.

I would say, yes, 5 .5 billion is
clearly none.

No, so why have we reported that as the
figure?

People come to us for their news.

Breaking news, we've just heard there
have been 5 .5 billion horses.

I watch Scotland because I'm a big fan
of Scotland.

In fact, I'm planning a big tour. I'm
planning a holiday around Scotland. A

in the SNP has got me a good lead on a
camp plan.

There's always this stuff coming out
about England. They keep leaking

everything. They keep leaking the team.

And they're, like, leaking all the stuff
that's going on in the camp. They keep

saying, like, England are eating baked
beans for dinner. But they always do it

and they say it's been leaked by a camp
insider.

It's really hard to hear that and not
just imagine a really camp guy.

You'll never guess what Harry Kane has
for dinner.

You'd think he'd want something more
substantial, wouldn't you?

I'm giving too much away.

beans and sausages I'm not the only
person who's been insider

the big what's the big sound in terms of
how the games are being played at the

moment the big that everyone's talking
about how the matches are Just stopping

and starting. Oh, hydration.

Hydration, yes. Hydration, yes.

Definitely not for the advert.

No, not in any way. Definitely not so
that they can do kids. Player welfare.

dare you even suggest it? But you can't
complain about it because FIFA, who you

never want to give the moral high ground
to FIFA and go, do they need these?

They go, oh, oh, do you want the players
to die?

I use language like, oh, they need to
take on water.

Like that scene in Free Willy where they
have to keep hosing him down.

I like the adverts. Because if it's like
TV, then it's adverts for like

cars and TV shows. I mean, when it's on
the BBC, it's like, what if Gareth

Southgate looked like Joseph Fiennes,
but sounded like he had a head injury?

I just keep getting adverts for Asda
with that really annoying voiceover.

Call a lawyer. Call a lawyer.

Someone better be making a lot of money
off that thing.

The other technological advance is
RefCam, in which there's a replay shown

directly from the ref's head as he
swivels around, giving motion sickness

everyone at the time.

I just feel very American that the ref
is wearing a body cam.

I've heard a rumour that it switches off
when he books a black player.

Anyway... As the show's recorded, we
haven't seen England's first game or

Scotland's second game, so don't come to
us for that news, although you weren't.

But what's going on here?

This is so bad.

It's a squad sort of photo for England,
but they do sort of look like a choir.

I've never seen Harry Kane look so much
like Gareth Malone.

It looks like the finalists for Young
Estate Agent of the Year.

Also, just like, John Stone clearly
didn't get the memo that this is a very

serious photo about men's mental health.

He's the only one just doing a big... A
proper smile. He's the only one who

heard, now let's do a silly one.

Of all the types of adverts, this feels
like the aerial shot at an end of an

advert where they're like, we're all
British gas.

It looks like a punnet of blueberries in
my fridge looking at us every time I go

in from my fifth pepper army.

I like the tone they've gone for.
They've gone for ants when you pick up a

But the better ones are the individual
photographs. Now, before I bring this

we've all seen the bit where they point
at the camera and look scary or, you

know, generally, and in defence, and
they'll pop up this little portrait of

going, hmm, ah.

of a getcha. Just like on Gladiator.
Yeah, just like on Gladiator. Yeah,

exactly. And yet the England team have
gone for this.

That's just... It's every comedian's
first Edinburgh film.

Who did the photo shoot? Adele?

Hold on, what's his name?

Dan Byrne. Dan Byrne.

Did he play for Newcastle? Yeah. Oh, my
kids used to go to the same school.

Okay. Sorry.

Sorry.

That's how little I know about football.

Our kids went to the same school for a
little, little while. And him. And him.

He's like 36. He must have been.

His kids and my kids. Oh, sorry.

His children and my children. I know
they say football is a dim, but I didn't

know they get held back that many years.

I mean, that does have the air of, I
don't like history.

Well,

it's a very moving photograph. I want to
know what love is shot.

It's probably not as whimsical as the
one of Anthony Gordon.

Do you mind if I... Sorry.

My father never knows what I mean when I
ask for the lesbian nana.

It does look like the photo you'd put on
the front of an order of service for an

auntie's funeral.

Fondly remembered.

It's like Princess Diana if she was two
years on testosterone.

Non -binary.

Who's to say that that wouldn't have
been the next chapter? If she was this

enough, I'm sure she would have found
herself somehow.

Although it's a different kind of
awkward to Rhys James.

Not that one, but this.

He looks like he's in table football.

He's telling him to do a backflip with
his arms by his sides.

He doesn't look like he's just come
downstairs and gone, Mum, I've been

How do you feel?

How do I feel? Yeah, about sharing the
name with someone who's immune. Well,

gutted, because I thought I'd been
called up for the England squad.

Now, obviously, it's a nightmare, Glenn,
OK? And it makes me want England not to

win the World Cup, because then I go
even further down the Wikipedia ranking.

It's not even my name, Rhys James. Rhys
James is a stage name I chose like 17

years ago when I started doing stand -up
because there was already a comedian

with my name and I thought there
probably can't be two Romesh

Meanwhile, what record have Scotland
fans

reportedly set at the World Cup?

Well, reportedly, loudest cheer, 120
decibels.

No proof. It's up there with the 5 .5
billion figures.

It is impressive to be the loudest in
America.

Yeah. Isn't it? That's quite an
achievement.

It's like being the horniest in the
Bonnie Blue Cube.

It was when they were singing the
national anthem, wasn't it? And I just,

think, yeah, we would sing that loud if
our national anthem wasn't about begging

God to protect an elderly racist.

It's true, because we don't know our
national anthem. It's like, this is how

loud you can be if you know the words to
your national anthem. Yeah.

And half of us are confused about king
or queen. We don't know the second

Tell me about it. But if it was... But

I'm saying, we could beat this record if
we knew the words, right? If we were

singing angels or something, we would
beat it.

Well, what we should do, we should just
get an announcer in the middle of the

pitch who just goes, auto glass repair.

That would be the loudest by miles.

Shame nobody did that for you.

Oh, I didn't expect anyone to... Sorry,
do you think... I was like, they're

going to do it.

They're not going to do it. No, I think
you're right. You're right not to. Did

you not know? Water glass repair, water
glass replace.

Yeah. Yeah, we just didn't find it very
funny.

It's not a cruise ship.

Unless you're getting paid, you're not
going to say the word. Yeah, yeah, come

on. It's not a cruise. They're only
joining in all the fun. I don't know.

I think we could get them.

The ship.

By the end of the night, we'll have
something.

0800 00... Yeah, fuck off!

Unbelievable.

Yeah, let's not go down this road.

Sonia Biscuit.

Very definitely the end of this.

So it turns out it's just because
they're old and didn't get my modern

of Autoglass for a point.

That Autoglass advert, Gavin from
Autoclass, my first crush.

Really? It was like the Monty using
Capulets. Asda and Autoglass.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Glenn,

Maisie and Chris.

Join us after the break for more
Lockdown Week.

The next round is called Audience
Question Time. We throw ourselves open

studio audience and invite them to ask
us questions on any topic. First up, is

there a shaz here?

Hey, how are you, Shaz? You well? Good.
How are you? I'm very well. Thanks for

asking. No one ever asked. Thanks, Shaz.

Shaz, what questions have you got for
our panel?

What fun new rule would you introduce at
the World Cup?

The hydration breaks have to be
alcoholic.

It'd bring your own booze. So Mexico
would bring tequila.

We'd bring, like, pub pints. And then
Saudi Arabia would bring tears of a

Hot balls!

Yeah.

dead hot.

I just like saying hot

balls and then the goalies have oven
gloves.

I think when a player takes their top
off to celebrate

a goal they shouldn't get a yellow card
they should have to wear a thing from

lost property.

I think there should be one player in
each team that's immune.

to yellow and red cards so that every
team has one mad bastard.

Totally changed the recruitment thing.
Who's our midfield this year?

Declan Rice, Jude Bellingham and Hector
the Cannibal.

I would make two -footed tackles
compulsory.

And by that I mean everyone's got to
have a huge dick.

I think they should play for 20 minutes
and then they should stop and the

referee should go, one of you is a
traitor.

And then they're going to sort that out,
and then they can go on.

I think that yellow cards for time
wasting doesn't work, does it? So what

should be if you're a player, every
second that you waste, a digit of your

card gets revealed.

Adult mascots.

Oh, that's a brilliant idea. You know
the little kids that walk out with them?

Fully grown men.

Yeah.

Just big fat lads. Like blokes in their
50s. Yeah. Just holding hands.

Still holding hands.

I'm standing in front of the players.
I'm excited.

The players have to put their hands on
and sing the National Anthem.

Thank you very much, Chas. Good man
yourself. Thank you, Chas.

OK,

next question. Where's Anthony?

Hey, Anthony, how are you?

I'm all right.

Goodbye, yourself. That's an excellent
beard, Anthony. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Anthony, is it a beard -related
question?

No. Good.

What is the question?

What's the most useless fact you know?

Bill Murray is still filming Groundhog
Day.

I only know one useless fact, but it's
because it was on the back of penguin

bars when they were in my pack. So I can
tell you that in Gainesville, Georgia,

it's illegal to eat fried chicken with a
fork.

Okay. If finding Nemo was scientifically
accurate, when Nemo's mom died, Nemo's

dad would have changed sex and mated
with Nemo.

Which is actually the plot of the porno
version, Grinding Nemo.

the condom was really embarrassed
afterwards because he found out that no

else has that weird bump on the end of
their dick.

Did you know there's a shop in MI6 that
sells books about the Gatwick WH Smith?

My favourite little known fact is in
Spain in 1998, Ed killed a hitchhiker

his car.

I don't think you're being entirely
fair. We're not 100 % sure it was a

hitchhiker.

About 30 years ago, you had about 17
minutes, approximately, to escape a

fire. But now, you've got about four.

Due to furniture being more flammable.

Fuck's sakes, man. Would you like
another Chris Ramsey happy fact? Fuck

Be like, read the room.

this broadcast into people's houses how

big is your house that

you need 17 minutes to get out i live in
the north that spans multiple postcodes

the next

round is called extra time and penalty

This game involves Glenn and Ed, so if
you could make your way to the

performance area, please. This round is
a standard challenge. I launch the wheel

of news, and whoever chooses to stop one
of our performers must step forward and

talk about that subject. The winner is
whoever I think is the funniest.

Okay, let's have our first topic,
please.

And the first topic is parenting.

Glenn.

I think I'll always remember one of the
scariest days of my life.

My wife was in the bathroom, and she
called me in, and...

And next to her, lined up on the side of
the bath, in a row, were three

pregnancy tests.

Positive, positive, positive.

And I just thought, Jesus Christ, it's
crippling.

Actually,

do you know what? This is the right
time. This is possibly the right time to

have a kid. I'm with the right person. I
know I'm with the one.

I've taken the advice of Sir Mick
Jagger. Mick Jagger gave an interview

decades ago where he spoke about finding
the one. He said that over the course

of his life, he thinks he's slept with a
thousand women. But he wishes instead

he'd slept with one woman a thousand
times.

And I think that's sweet.

I wish I'd slept with 500 women twice.

I think I'd have really enjoyed that.

I've got lots of friends who are
parents, and they're different kinds of

parents. Some parents are very, very
ungrateful. I've got parents who

all the time. Every time their kid
throws a tantrum, my friends will be

oh, God, this is the worst thing that's
ever happened to anyone. And you go, oh,

no, have some perspective.

It's the 21st century. This is not the
worst thing that's ever happened to

anyone in the world ever. You've
obviously never had an erection in a

not the worst thing.

I mean, some of my friends are too
grateful. Some of my friends are too

enthusiastic as parents, you know? I've
got friends who have got the enthusiasm

of the parents in a kid's cartoon, you
know? Some of my friends, they're

enthusiastic as the parents in Bluey.
That's not a good thing.

Those dogs are unwell. That's not a good
thing.

The parents in Bluey, they'll see, like,
a lumberjack on TV, and instead of

being like, hey, should we get the kids
to draw lumberjacks for a few minutes?

They'll be like, hey, why don't we get
the kids downstairs and dress up as

lumberjacks for nine hours today with
complete disregard for our personal and

professional lives? Hey, let's get the
kids downstairs.

Bingo.

Because it's Australian, they're allowed
to say bloody, which is insane for a

show for three -year -olds. Bloody, go
down the bloody stairs, you fucking...

And then... Dance around like
lumberjacks for nine hours. That's not

most unrealistic bit. The most
unrealistic bit is at no point do those

say, fuck this, whack on the TV, and
just walk, bloody!

Thank you.

OK.

through the ad to see what your topic
is. Let's spin the wheel again.

And the topic is fitness.

I'm not particularly fit, I have to
admit. I run.

I mean, that's what I do to try and
stave off the cold hand of death.

Which is as boring to talk about as it
is to fucking do.

And I'll get your dinner talking about
it.

I'll be at a party.

I won't.

I'd be at somebody's house because their
kids go to the same school as my kids.

And so I'd go, hey, dropout tune, what's
your secret? Oh, well, I run. Oh,

really? I run too. Oh, God, we're
talking about it. Oh, no.

You run a long way, but not very fast.
You run quite fast, but not very far.

do intervals. Intervals are good, aren't
they? You run fast, then slow, then

fast again. Oh, kill me now. Kill me
now.

Kill me now before someone who does
triathlons joins the conversation.

Oh, my God, because you're the worst.

Triathletes, your three flavors are
boring you are, aren't you?

The Neapolitan ice cream of tedium, the
triathlete.

Really, is the swimming letting you
down?

But running is boring. And even watching
it on TV.

Sports interviews tend to be quite
tedious, I find, personally.

But the 100 metres.

Why are you even interviewing the winner
of the 100 metres? What do you want to

know from the guy who just... They run
for 10 seconds, as fast as they can. You

go to the person who does it...

fraction of a second faster than the
rest of them. What greater truth do you

seek?

Can you talk us through the race?

I ran faster than the rest of them.

What was your strategy?

Start fast.

Keep going fast.

Finish as fast as I can.

How do you feel to have won? Happy. I
was hoping to win.

You realise this interview has now gone
on longer than the race. You know that.

Did you see the race? You did? Well,
then you probably know more about the

than I do. I was in front. I didn't even
see what the rest of them were doing.

You know who you should talk to? The guy
who came in last.

He saw the whole thing.

There you go.

At the end of the round, the points go
to Edward.

Come on, then.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

Our next round is called Picture of
Belief.

I should have found a topical image and
asked them to tell me what is happening.

So, teams, what is going on here?

POV, you're a female White House intern.

It does look like a picture taken from
the point of view of hits.

This is Donald Trump entering the
inaugural impression of Han Solo frozen

carbon.

He's doing a VR headset lap dance
experience.

This is Donald Trump's birthday, and as
a special birthday treat, Melania has

agreed to sit next to him.

It's a bit like he's doing that thing
where somebody stands behind you and

pretends their hands are your hands.

He's saying his famous catchphrase,
Cracking cheese, Gromit.

Cat's not great, is it? Like, I feel
like he thinks the cat is a good look.

You have seen his hair, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

What did you think I asked for in the
salon?

Have those people sat behind him just
been eliminated?

It could happen.

They got takeaway food at the party,
didn't they?

Did they? For maggar whammers.

And then they all went on holiday to
Magaluf.

What did they watch on the plane there,
Dara, I hear you ask?

Magadaska!

I'm on tour in September.

What if he's like,

I'm having a magadastroke right now.

I can't believe you're on tour in
September and you're burning all your

Do the Magadaska joke again.

Correctly.

Is it funnier if I say Magadaska 2? Do
you think that could add something?

Do you know what they watched on the
plane?

Please go absolutely insane for this.

Just to confuse the people at home so
that they lose all sense of what is and

isn't funny.

Actually, it would prefer... Once you do
the punchline, could you say Autoglass

Replace?

OK, wait.

And you know what they watched on the
plane over there, Dara?

Magadaska 2!

That really mixed smoothly in with
the... Autoglass replay!

We are giving too much agency to the...
Did anyone have the correct answer,

please? This was on the set of Magadaska
3.

This was the first and only ever UFC
event on the White House lawn.

for 250 years of America's birthday and
his 80th birthday. Absolutely right.

Thank you very much.

This is US President Donald Trump who
marked his 80th birthday and

America's 250th anniversary by hosting
an ultimate fighting championship event

on the White House lawn. Did anyone see
the event?

slightly embarrassed, but not too
embarrassed because I do get free

it's in England to say that I'm a huge
fan of the UFC and I really enjoy it. A

lot of people flagging off America and
some politicians and stuff have said

the UFC is just basically human
cockfighting, which is not true because

not allowed to use their cocks.

That's even more than words.

President's 80th birthday, by the way,
sounds like a phrase that shouldn't

exist.

President's 80th. It keeps fucking up
like convertible her.

To celebrate, it's like something to do
for their eighth birthday.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, after we'd go, and the wrestlers
came to my house, and then the wrestlers

did a fight in front of my house, and we
were in the garden, and then the

wrestlers all met me, and they said I
should have been a wrestler too.

It was the best day ever. I would have
been better than all the wrestlers. I'm

the best wrestler there is.

It's just like, oh, man.

If I wanted to impress teenagers, that's
what I'd do.

Meanwhile, what has apparently been
agreed between Iran and the US?

Peace. Yes.

At the time of recording, there is some
sort of memorandum of understanding.

That's the term, a memorandum of
understanding. No war has ever finished

those terms. The Nazis have said, agree
to disagree.

It means that they haven't fully
negotiated a peace deal, but they're

expressing the desire to move towards a
peace deal. So exactly the same as they

were at the recording of the last show
and the recording of the show before

that.

By the way, straight to promos.

They don't look that blocked.

You can get through there on a jet ski.

That would be quite the move to go, ah,
losers!

You'll see Ed Davey going through there
any minute.

They said that it's open. They just need
to clear some of the mines out of it.

You're like, that's not open then.

Would you like to come to my
housewarming party? And while you're

clear out the bear traps that we have.

Can you blame them for wanting to leave
that sunrise, though?

No!

The captain with his arm around the
first mate, do we ever have to leave?

This has been the happiest three months
of our time together, here on the boat.

The Straits of Hormuz sounds like Iran's
top reality show.

Yeah, straight eye for the straight guy.

What about the Straits of Hormuz? When
will the Gays of Hormuz get it?

A name for a club? What a fantastic name
for a gay club, the Gays of Hormuz.

I mean, I don't know where to open that
club.

Maybe not around Hormuz.

Also difficult to know which would have
most oil.

In other news, why was it a big week for
Elon Musk?

He's a trillionaire. He is a
trillionaire.

That's good, isn't it? For ages we've
been saying we want less billionaires.

Actually, it's obscene.

It's mad. Have you any idea how big a
trillionaire is? Like, if you had a

that gave you a dollar every time you
pressed it, in order to be a

you'd have to press that button a
trillion times.

Like,

it's insane.

I've got to say, though, because I
thought the conversion rate means that

worth a trillion in America, but here
he's worth 860 billion.

I felt a weird national pride about
that.

Oh, trillionaire are you, mate? Come
back when you're a London trillionaire.

I'm a trillionaire in Vietnam.

Sure, you can just about afford Pizza
Express without a voucher.

It'll be very different news. What is
the latest ban announced by Keir

A ban on social media.

For who? For under 16.

Yeah. Banning social media is not going
to make teenagers more productive.

They're just going to waste their time
in other ways. They'll just do what we

did, which is try and scroll to the very
bottom right of Microsoft Excel.

It is done with the confidence of a man
who knows he won't be party leader

during the next election. Yeah. When
those people can vote.

But there's this technology, apparently,
that they reckon they've got where,

like, they can tell, they can stop,
like, underage people sending nudes

they've got technology that can work out
if that's happening. But that is the

most brutal pop -up of all time. If I go
to send a dick pic and it says,

Illegal! This is not an adult penis!

This is good news for pedophiles.

Get them outside, you know, they can
step away from the screen.

The step count of paedophiles is going
to go off the charts.

We're back to Mott the Week being a news
source for people and good news for

paedophiles.

If you're a paedophile, time to dust off
your sweets.

I hope that goes in.

Just out of context.

Oh, just that clip. For the last moment
of Instagram.

That'll be the last clip that ever gets
posted on Instagram.

You're beautiful.

Time to dust off your teeth.

I did have a conversation with a teen in
my own home

where I said... Why did you say that
like that?

I had a conversation with a teenager of
mine.

Anyway.

Why don't you know how to say your
child?

I have a conversation with my child.

I have a number of them. Show us on the
doll where you spoke to this child.

Unbelievable.

I spoke to one of my children.

There it is.

There we go.

Can we do it again without the applause
for it? Oh, you spoke to your children.

You spoke to one of your children and
all it took was them being banned from

social media.

Anyway.

I had a conversation with a child of
mine about this.

And partly with them going, oh, no, we
can't go on Blue Sky.

Boo -hoo.

But I said, I was chatting about social
media. I said, are you on Instagram?

He said, yes.

Which was the point at which to go...

Well, look, just don't forget that
algorithm is going to feed you stuff

whatever. Take a break from that stuff.
Don't believe the lifestyle that's

portrayed on that, like whatever. Be
wary of all the things you could say as

parent, right?

Existed in that moment. And instead, I
went, do you follow me?

Join

us

after the break for more Mock the Week.

The next round is called Between the
Lines. It features Maisie and Rhys.

you make way to the press pit, please?

Rhys delivers a speech in the guise of a
leading figure on the world stage,

while Maisie translates what they really
mean. This week, Rhys is former Deputy

Prime Minister Angela Rayner.

I wonder why you chose Maisie for this
one.

Good evening.

We live in serious times and need
serious leaders.

I, uh, oops, stumped you two. What am I
like?

It's great we can finally do this round
without an accent being offensive.

The local election sends us a clear
message on what we need to do.

Apparently, we need to fuck off.

My motto is party first, ambition
second.

Woo, party! Turn it up, DJ! Hands in the
air, everyone!

I am convinced that I can take the fight
to reform.

I've challenged Farage to a scrap in a
Wetherspoons car park.

With me, what you see is what you get.

Unfortunately.

People say I drink too much. No, that's
just fucking bollocks.

Such a good head.

Good God.

It's like an art at Christmas, isn't it?

I am someone who knows what they want
and how to get it.

Vodka and comfort.

Two blue wickets and a bag of steak.

coins, please, love.

You're the most northern you've ever
been, isn't it?

I feel like I've stepped into the
Coronation Street Live experience.

I am open to working with Zach Polanski.
Sounds like he can save me money on

another boob job.

I am tired of comparisons with John
Prescott. I'm nothing like him. And if

anyone says I am, I'll punch them in the
fucking face.

I will do anything I can to help combat
global warming.

I'm ginger, I've got to.

My biggest fault is my loyalty.

That and not paying stamp duty.

Socialist principles are etched on my
heart. I also have a mermaid tattooed on

my left arse.

Well done, Rhysa Macy.

Now...

Here we go.

The first subject is unlikely things to
hear on a nature show.

Want to see the most dangerous animal on
the planet?

Look in the mirror.

There's a gorilla with a shotgun stood
right by you.

First, a sea reptile.

then a land rodent, then a tree ape, a
Neanderthal, and finally an upright

human. And who did you date before me?

The ant colony functions like an
incredibly complex machine, each ant

own individual role to play. Now, watch
as I pop the kettle on.

The adult male has spent the entire
night in the bush.

Good for her.

This volcano could erupt at any moment.
So please, where is your bathroom?

The blue whale's penis is a staggering
eight foot long.

Meanwhile, the female blue whale's
vagina is absolutely shot to shit.

Is there a sadder sight in all of
nature's world than a bald eagle?

With a comb over.

What's the collective noun for a pack of
mature beavers? The W -I.

It seems that Chi Chi the panda just
refuses to meet, despite all the flowers

and chocolate I've bought for her.

While dangerous, this lizard is no match
for a large bat.

So hold it still.

I've done her, I've done her, done her.

The female says no, and the male
respects it.

Today on the Serengeti, we're
investigating, why do all leopards dress

flags?

relentless predator has finally been
dropped from his publisher.

As we come to the end, the male
regurgitates his food into the female's

Thank you for watching A Night Out in
Newcastle.

This week on The Real Houseflies of
Cheshire.

After using her sting, her entire rear
end is ripped off and the queen passes

away. Goodbye, Elizabeth II.

For this young cheater, speed is of the
essence. His girlfriend will be home in

five minutes.

The mighty beast's head appears out of
the water.

Because I took a Viagra before I got in
the bath.

The results are in, and you are the
father. You're also the mother. You're a

seahorse.

Well, standing here, you realise how
small you really are.

And that's why I won't be coming back to
this nudist beach.

The next topic is... Commercials have
never made it to air.

Wow. 0 -60 in just five seconds? This
baby's ageing really weirdly.

Autoglass repair.

The new Pringles fleshlight for people
who fucking love crisps.

Prefer to sleep standing up.

Then join the rebel movement at Benson's
Against Beds.

Fed up of people talking about how fat,
bald and ugly you are, why not give them

something else to talk about, like
perhaps your new glasses?

If Carlsberg did birthday, they'd
probably be the best birthdays in the

Unfortunately, we do beer, and it's
shit.

Sunstains are impossible to get out. I
used to spend hours washing bedsheets,

underwear and even socks.

And then I became a lesbian and
everything changed.

We're actually really trendy now and...
Who am I kidding?

Sketches for when you've just given up.

Oh, Zembik, you're still a fat, lazy
prick. You just don't look like one

anymore.

First, we brought you the manafile, the
nail file for your fingers.

And now, we bring you the pedifer, the
toe one, the one for your...

Drink Guinness, for when you want to
turn your shit to tar.

Heroin.

Because you're worth it. Not you, you
minger, him.

dentists recommend our product and the
one that didn't, we knocked his fucking

teeth out.

Every time I clip my fingers, somewhere
in the world, a child books their

birthday party at Go Ape.

Don't have that summer body or that
dream career or even a boyfriend.

Sweetheart, can you hear me? It's your
mother.

Maybe she's born with it or maybe you
gave it to her

Have you ever looked at a

chicken and thought oh, I'd love to
drink that soup

It

was a really dark night and the
conditions were pretty awful it's foggy

shouldn't have driven really I I was
retired

And he just came out of no huge bang,
and I knew he went over the bonnet, and

he was dead on it. In fact, I'm fairly
certain.

I don't know what to say. I just didn't
see him step out.

I should have gone to Specsafe.

Just do it.

Dignitas.

Why are my legs so smooth?

They're prosthetic.

VPN. Because it feels weird uploading
your passport with your cock in your

doesn't it?

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?

Or has she just let herself go?

the end of the show. This week's winners
are Glenn Moore, Maisie Adam and Chris

Ramsey.

Congratulations to Sarah Keyworth, Ruth
James and Ed Byrne.

Thank you for watching. I'm Daryl Breen.
Good night.