All language subtitles for Roommate Wanted (2015)

I'm Janie.

This is me beating the shit out
of my slutty roommate.

I'm Dee.

I bet you are wondering why
this crazy bitch

is hitting my face.

First, let's rewind a bit.

Jane Garber?
Dr. Hoffman will see you now.

Thank you.

Here.

Your transcripts are virtually flawless.

Semester brought in Ghana.

Most commendable.

Volunteering from PETA since the age of...

thirteen?

You can't really just get
a scholarship to Stansbury

just a GPA alone.

All of your students here
embodied perfection,

and I'm here to tell you
that I'm capable of more.

Well, you certainly on
the right track,

but let me stop you right there.

I have many perspective
students to meet today

and only a handful of
scholarships to sign.

So, in order to get the best
sense of who you are

and whether you are worthy
such a coveted honor,

I'm going to ask you
only one question.

What do you believe in?

Spiritually or politically, Sir?

I mean, what do you believe in.

It is an open ended question.

With no wrong or right answer.

Tell me who you are.

Okay, um..

I could tell you that

I believe in the foundation of Buddhism,

but I just really like the
peaceful message that it embodies.

I could tell you that

I believe in the healing power of music.

But that's not really true.

I just like the sound of my violin
makes when I press my bow to it.

I believe genuine hard work
really pays off

and that you can't actually accomplished
anything in this world

without passion.

You need to travel really far

and a lot,
as often as possible.

It's fuel to your soul.

Clichés statement
like the ones I just said

are clichés because they
founded in truth,

and whoever came up with
the word 'cliché'

was just too lazy
to put those statement to the tasks.

Physical beauty,
and money, confidence,

That will get you really far,

but that won't actually fill
the hole in your heart.

And I think a great way
to build character is

to meet characters.

I belong at Stansbury.

It is deeply rooted in me,

and it's something I've felt
strongly about a really long time.

And I know that sounds
extremely cliché, but...

I think that's what I believe in.

Clichés.

Thank you. Have a good day.

Hey, Dee.

- Hi.
- How's the modeling going?

Great.

- It's awesome.
- Yeah.

Bye.

Yes.

Shit.

It's my roommate. Get off.

I thought you were at the
massage place all day.

- Well...
- I'll text you about tonight.

- Sweet.
- That's like the third time this week.

- Seriously?
- I know. I know. I'm so sorry.

I will make it up to you.
He's a club promoter

during Cinco de Mayo
theme rage in the Social tonight.

You wanna come with?

- No thanks.
- Really?

I thought you were like Latin American.

No, I said I was part Native American.

Champagne? Does this mean
what I think it's means?

- Actually...
- I look like

the Bukkake Bride of Frankenstein.

Hold that thought real quick
play for a sec.

Two minutes.

Can't wait to share the
news!

Gross.

Sorry. I had to moisturize.

Okay, girl, so let's hear
about your big interview.

Did you get the full ride to Stanford?

It's Stansbury.

Yeah.

I'm still waiting
the official green light,

but the dean of admissions
said I should be expecting

a very important phone call
around 1 PM.

OMG. How are you like
not stressing?

- It's noon thirty.
- I am.

I just... there's nothing
really I can do about it.

My life is about to change drastically,
for better or worse,

- in the next 30 minutes.
- For the better.

Definitely for the better.
I'm tweeting this.

- Should we have some champagne?
- No, not until you know.

How about one of my famous
banana peach smoothie in the meantime?

Yeah. That sounds good, as long as it's vegan.

Oh yeah, don't worry.
I'll use non-fat milk.

Besides, I'm practically vegan myself.

I don't eat fish.

I seriously can't tell
whether you're joking or not.

What did you do in the fridge?

Oh, thanks for noticing.

I couldn't really seem to find
a few of my thing yesterday,

so I figure it would be easier
if we label to what is who.

I put gold stars on yours,
and red stars on mine.

Alright. Well, you can totally

help yourself to any of my food anytime.

Not just my food.
Anything of mine, really,

even my clothes.

Thanks.

It's just that soy cheese costs
like 9 dollars at Whole Foods.

That was soy?

Gross.

Another one of your fish died.

Oh bummer.

Well, he had a good run.

You really should clean this thing
out once in a while.

No need. That's what little
sacred fish guys are for.

Do it really seem safe to you

putting this big tank on this
tiny table behind the couch?

Yeah.

Kind of makes me nervous.

What doesn't makes you nervous?

I dont know. It's just kind of seems like
you don't really care about the fish.

I don't.

It was a gift from Frank,
the Mongolian.

I dated him for about 10 minutes.

He owns an aquarium business.

The tank turned out to be
a bigger wasted space than he was.

I dont know. I like fishes.
I think they're calming.

I mean your snake however, not so much.

Who? My big sexy Fernando?

He's harmless.

Only bite if you got fur and a tail.

I worked with his scaly ass since
I've modeling gig for AE in the last summer.

Speaking of which, I haven't fed
him for like a month.

- Wait.
- What?

What is that for?

Instagram, Facebook, Twitter.

Which reminds me you
still haven't accepted

my friend request and you
still not following me.

Okay, I hardly even checked that thing,

and I don't have a Twitter.

Cheers.

To your future.

What about your future?

Well, when I find Mr rich,
hunk, tall, dark-haired and handsome,

in that order,
we can cheers to me.

- It's Joe.
- Again?

Don't you dare answer that.

Maybe I can just tell him
to stop calling me.

Don't pick up. Trust me.
You don't need that creeper in your life.

Let him get one word,
and before you know it,

you'll be swapping your violin
with his scary flute.

Okay, I pushed 'ignore'.

Good girl.
You'll thank me for it one day.

But speaking of violin,
I think I should get some practice a little.

Janie, leave your phone.

Pussy!

Good girl.

- Hey, blue jay.
- What do you want?

You, back in my life.

Last two weeks
felt like two years .

Let me come over and apologize in person.

Joe, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Hey, wait.

Hello?

Hi, this is Janie.

Yes.

Stansbury!

What does it say?

would officially like to offer you

our maximum scholarships
available at this time .

This includes half of all tuition,

- pay up to three years
- I'm sorry .

Did you said half tuition paid?

I thought it was the maximum.

That is correct, Miss Garber,

but with the recent
state budget cuts

we've been forced to endure
massive cut back,

especially in the education sector.

Half scholarships are the best
we can currently offer,

with a few small exceptions
for athletes.

I don't play any sport.

Miss Garber,

This is the best offer we can make.

It's quite an achievement on your part.

That's not good enough.

Miss Garber, I'm not quite sure
where you're going with this.

- I can't...
- I'm saying thank you,

Mr. Garber. Hoffman.

This is have been the life I've dreamt .
I'm super jazzed up about it.

I mean, very excited.
I mean, super excited.

Well, I'm very glad to hear that.

Someone from admissions department

will get in touch to you on
Friday to go over the financial.

Welcome to Stansbury.

Thank you very much.

- I'm very excited.
- Good.

Goodbye.

You're welcome.

I cannot afford to pay
half of my tuition.

It's 42,000 dollars a year
with three years minimum.

I mean maybe two and a half, if I hassle,

but it's still like 52,500 dollars.

Wow. You're like Batman
in Math.

What about that financial aid stuff?

- Everyone uses that.
- I know. I did that for undergrad,

but you still to pay back 80%

and I don't want to be in debt
for the rest of my life.

Can you apply for grants?

Not enough time. I have to show
proof of payment by Friday.

- Can you ask your parents?
- Dad is retired mailman.

What about medical testing?

No, they doesn't pay enough.

- Robbing a bank.
- That's kinda my last resort.

Penny stock!

Are you serious?

I don't even know what those are.

Sounded smart though, right?

I need brain food. Yeah.

Jesus, girl.
You didn't have to waste a star

on every single one of my eggs.

You don't even eat eggs.
I eat eggs.

You hate eggs.
I love eggs.

Oh my gosh, Dee.

- You're a genius.
- I know.

Wait. What?

I can donate my eggs to
a couple in need again.

I mean, it's a bitch in a half,
but it's also kind of perfect.

For real?

You can get paid like 10 grand
if you go through a service,

but sometimes private partners pay more.

Holy guacamole.

- Is it easy?
- I mean if you have

a high threshold for pain, yeah.

They like pumped you with whole
bunch of hormones for weeks,

until it reaches a really fun part,

they stick a needle inside
of you and suck each egg out.

Up into where?

Where do you think?

Up into your pussy?

Yes, into the vaginal region.

Well, I'd say that I have
a high pain threshold.

In the vagina?

Yes you do.

Years of practice.

I gotta work on this.

Wait. I wanna help.

I can't find anything
for more than 10,000.

I mean, I can do it for more
than once if I have to,

it just kind of ruin your body.

Cha-ching! Here's one
for 50 large, biatch,

as long as you willing to freeze
additional egg for the future use.

Affluent couple
aggressively seeking

serious applicants
age 21 to 25,

Clear medical history,
high IQ.

This is great.
How did you find this?

I am a genius.

They want to make a decision by tomorrow.
Hold on, I'll call.

Line is busy.

Says here,

Natural blondes only.
To match with the mother.

Bummer.

I'm blonde.

It's dirty blond.
It's my natural colour.

News flash...

I'm not a natural blonde.
Just love this color.

Men love this colour.

You should try it sometimes.

Blonder blonde
have way more fun.

I have a lot of fun.

You should tell that to Joe.

You know,

not everybody have the luxury
to just playing around

in your little sport clubs during the day

and in the nightclubs at night.

Someone else actually want to make
something for her self.

Hi.

Hi. You never call back.

- Look I...
- You wanna have dinner at 8:30?

Yeah, it's fine.

I just really can't
talk right now, okay?

I'll pick you up at...

I'll pick you up at 8:00.

Okay.

Bye.

- Hello.
- Hi.

I'm calling you regards your
egg donating ads.

Okay, so good news.

I just got off the phone
with the couple rep Olivia,

and normally I would have to go to them,

but since she's not with the
agency and we're on short time frame,

They are coming right here, right now,
so this place have to be perfect.

- You're cleaning the tank.
- Yup.

Thank you.

Is that one of my wall plates?

All of the actual plate are dirty.

You haven't done your
dishes in a week.

Okay, these aren't actually for eating.

They are from my travels,
and they are really special to me.

I've already told you this.

I've told you this!

This one is from Cambodia,
in case you were wondering.

I wasn't.

Hi! You must be Miss Morgan.
Please, come in.

How are you?

I am Jane Garber.

- Very nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Miss Garber.

Very...

warm.

I can open a window if you like.

No, warm as in cozy.

You have fish.

Yes, I love animals.

There are only three.
Any reason for that?

They are my roommate.

If it were up to me,
I would have a whole of school of them in there.

They are very calming, aren't they?

Yes. Very.

But I feel the best representation of me

It's in my bedroom,
and I have a puppy in there.

Please, Miss Morgan.

This way.

Thank you.

Right through here.

You mentioned on the phone that
you have donated eggs before.

I have. It's really important for me
to help those less fortunate.

That's nice to hear.

But nobody who has
a winter home in Aspen

in a summer home in Naples should
be described as 'less fortunate'.

Yeah.

Yes, I usually have an assistant with me,

but he's off to Palm Springs.

Whatever.

I think it's a binge of
methamphetamine if you ask me.

Very hard to find help
with my job.

A lot of responsibility.

Spoiled brats and Christmas presents
with no personal meaning.

Do you want me to help you?

I guess I didn't get that
job at Best Buy for a reason.

No, you're doing fine.

Okay.

You look gorgeous in this light.

Where'd you get those cheekbones?

Actually, I'm eighth Navajo.

Oh, I did not know that. That's interesting.

Very American. I like that.
Like that commercial with the tear.

Good. Good.

Might wanna...a lil bit. Yeah.

Since you've been through this before...

- Is that? Oh that's...
- Do I have something on my face?

That's permanent.
But we can fix that.

I assume you familiar
how the procedure works.

You haven't had any sexually
transmitted disease, have you?

I'll found out later, won't I?

Nothing a little antibiotic can't cure.

I'm just gonna let you
talk for a few minutes.

Tell my clients a little
bit about yourself.

You know, a little je ne sais quoi.

- Okay.
- Raises the chin.

Oh, so cute by the way.

Begin. Whenever you're ready.

You know what? How about

instead of me trying to articulate

who am I. What don't I just
tell you about what I believe in?

Thank you so much for coming by

on such a short notice,
Miss Morgan,

and expediting the process.

I can't tell you how excited
I am with the possibility

of helping couple in need.

Or should I say a couple in Naples?

Very good.

Well, I was happy to come by.
Besides, it's not often

I'm able to kill two birds with one stone.

Two birds? I'm sorry.

You and Miss Henderson.
Your roommate?

It's admirable the relationship
you too having,

to able to apply for the same

lucrative opportunity
without any competitive drive.

The money is not a little
consequential for us, Miss Morgan.

After all, you can't put the
price on the gift of love.

You.

Must be Deandra.

The one and only.

So lovely to meet you.
Please step into my office.

Oh my!

What a magnificent canopy bed!

Oh wow thank you.

It's a Magdalena.

It is very funny.

Do you understand what I mean?

And I can just tell

for the time, energy and love

they have put into this.

I always get inspired by children.

They are so uninhibited, cheerful and...

Thank you. I really look...

Brazilian or Fernando?

- Brazilian.
- Oh, a detail special.

It was such a pleasure to meeting you, Deandra.

I'll be sure to tell my clients
about your sense of humor.

Thank you.

Well, you folks are looking for a
grown woman after all, aren't you?

My hubby and I have
the same in turquoise.

You tiger! You! Rawr!

Janie, you must have a
blast with this one.

She's a real joke.

I'm very impressed with you both.

I'm so glad that I came out of nowhere.

These pamphlets contain
your questionnaires.

It's crucial that you fill
them out completely.

- Of course.
- And be truthfully.

And as we have little time,

I need them by 8 PM.

I will scan them and get
them right to you.

- What email do you prefer me...
- Oh, I have it.

- She gave me her card, we can share.
- Bye!

Miss Morgan, thank you very much..

You came by such a short notice
and we're really appreciate it.

It was a pleasure to meet you, Olivia.

- All right. Bye. Meow, meow.
- Bye.

Why would you do that?

I'm just trying to make
something for myself, Janie.

No, you cannot flirt your way
through this one.

Never know. See how her fingers
on my fuzzy handcuffs?

Thanks for that, by the way.

You are so disgusting.

Relax. I'm just twisting your titty.

I need this money, Dee.

- It's not about the money for me.
- Yeah, I know.

You don't even need a fucking job,
so what are you trying to prove?

That you're not better than me.

This isn't a beauty pageant.

Life is a beauty pageant, sugar.

You're better than this crap.

I know.
Beggars can't be choosers.

If you take a shower,

you'd better not use
my Andre Walker shampoo.

You can beat her.

Aw, for me? They're stunning.

- Yes. Janie Garber?
- Looking at her.

- Thanks.
- Sign here.

- Your receipt.
- Yeah.

Bitch.

Give me a second!

One. One thousand.

I'm going in.

Hiya.

Yeah?

I'm sorry about earlier.

I think I'm just PMSing.

Yeah, me too.

So, I got to thinking,

while you're getting scrub on,

that we barely know each other, right?

- Right.
- And we're gonna be stuck

living together for like another...

341 days.

- Huh?
- That's when I'll be send.

Okay. I won't read until that,
but exactly.

So we're suppose to fill
these forms that basically reveal

every detail of who we are
and what we've done.

- And?
- Why don't we fill them out together?

Better yet, why don't we
fill out each other?

What better way to get
to know one another?

Come on. It will be harmless fun.

Please.

How is your penmanship?

Super. I dot all of my i's
with adorable little hearts.

Kidding!

You know, honestly,

I'm just gonna fill
mine on my own.

Thank you though.

All right.

Shut my door please.

Dee!

What did I tell you about
smoking in the house?

That it will makes this place
smell like a bar.

I was blowing out of the window.

It's not good enough.

You always like sage shit.

I light it because this place
smells like smoke.

And it's not shit.

I already told you
I'm an eighth Navajo.

It's part of my heritage.

Whatever.

You know, my ancestors would
have scalped

those pretty blond of you
for smoking that crap.

That was way harsh, Janie.

I'm kidding.

Navajos are like the most peaceful tribe.
It was a joke.

I was kidding.

I'm sorry.
That was kind of bitchy.

Do you want to fill those out together?

I want do my own, and you can do yours,

but we can do it together.

Sweet!

Wait. First...

No thanks. Still vegan.

WTF? You say there's
a meat in jello?

- No, not meat. Hooves.
- What?

It's weird, right?
They basically take cow and pig hooves,

grind them out and...
long story short,

ends up being a key
ingredient of gelatin,

which is in like almost everything.

Gummy bears are made of gelatin.

Sour cream, even ice cream.

Yeah, all those dirty mud shitty hooves,

all ground up in your favourite
meal time snacks.

Whatev. If it's fat-free,
it's good for me.

All right, let's begin.

Okay. Height.

- 5'1.
- I'm 5'8.

Weight. 113.

- Jesus.
- I know, I need to lose a few.

You?

Actually I don't even know,
I haven't weighed myself in a really long time.

You know? I'll guess estimate for you.

- And say...
- Nothing.

- Leave that blank.
- Okay.

- Education.
- University of Berkeley.

Bachelor of Science,

and magna cum laude.

- You?
- Crestby Highschool,

diploma.

Member cheerleading squad.

Wait. Don't put that there.

You gonna put that under
'extracurricular activities'.

Yeah, let's see. Modeling,

hanging with friends, clubbing.

No wait. I'll put dancing,

and fitness, kickboxing,

pilates, going to the beach.
Tanning?

I think that all under 'going to the beach'.

Yeah.

- You?
- I put violin,

art, backpacking,

and yoga.

Oh my God, I did not know you did yoga.

We should totally do it together.

I'm like crazy flexible.

Sure.

Medical history.

Any preexisting medical condition
we need to know about?

Yeah, ADHD, obvi.

And I'm allergic to fish.

Oh and,

dry skin.

- Eczema?
- Yeah, how'd you know?

- I have it too.
- Oh my God, we are like sisters.

Not really. Okay.

Have you ever been hospitalized?

You fill out a form,

and it gives them full access
to your medical history,

so you can't lie.

I had my stomach pumped
two years ago.

It was just a crazy night
at the club,

a little to much, bit drunk,

if you catch my drift.

What about you?

Just the eczema.

No other allergy that I know of, so...

You have no pre-existing conditions?

Remember they can find out all this stuff.

I was honest with you.

Bipolar disorder.

But I haven't had any incidents

since like the eighth grade.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Sexual history.
- The real fun stuff.

Any sexually transmitted disease?

No, ma'am. All cleared up as recently.

You?

All cleared up... as it's always.

Number of sexual partners.

Why would they ask that?

They kind of want to have an idea
of your lifestyle choices,

and anything you have
can be pass on to the baby.

I mean, they won't notice

if I fluctuates a little, right?

So I'm gonna say...

50.

Too many?

40?

39.

Does that sounds naughty?

Nah.

Okay, so...

Drumroll.

How many guys plunked
the Garber caves?

One.

Shut your mouth.

- No.
- Are you serious?

- Yeah.
-. Wait, how old are you?

- How is that possible?
- Okay, I knew we should not do this.

No, I'm sorry. I'm just...

Girl, you have not lived.

I could say the same about you.

Why? Because I've never been
to the pyramids?

Well, you're wrong.
I've been to Cancun.

Nice, really good to know.

- Next question.
- Nice try,

but I wanna know why first.

It's not really that earth-shattering.

I was waiting for the right guy,

because I didn't want it to be some

drunken night under the bleachers
of a homecoming game.

No offense if that's how you lost.

Close. I mean, switch the
booze for 'E'

and the bleachers for Subaru.

Wouldn't had it other way.

But okay tell me,

Was it everything you hope it will be?

Yes.

Okay, so what happened to Mr. Stunt Muffin?

I'm sorry, just curious.

What happened was...

I found another girl's thong in

his car compartment two weeks ago.

Wait. Back up.

Two weeks ago?
You broke up with Joe two weeks ago.

Joe was your...

Damn, girl.

I guess that just proves my point.

What is your point, Dee?

That all men are dogs

and belong at the back of Subarus.

In a perfect world,
you would have pick up a little,

because you are so super duber smart.

But in a reality,
you settle up with a total d-bag.

Wait. Where are you going?

What did I say that wasn't the truth?

No, I'm just gonna fill
this out on my own.

Chocolate is the leading
cause of the Fupa.

I'm just being honest.

Bipolar.

Hey, you ready for some scanning action?

- Shit, Dee.
- Janie, you tiger.

- Get out of my room.
- I'm sorry.

Wait.

- Just scan me this.
- Yes!

Do the right thing. You can beat her.

Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey, getting ready?

I can't wait to see you in an hour and a half.

Shit.

Hey, I made a reservation.
Guess where?

Actually the whore train is going out tonight.
Why don't we just stay in?

All right, sounds fantastic.

Did you like the flowers?

What?

I sent you a bouquet.
They said you signed for it.

Hello?

I'm gonna have to call you back, okay?

Hey.

Did you change your mind
about the party tonight?

No. I need to talk to you.

Sure. What about?

Oh my God, I've been stretching,

because it's knot at my back.

It's killing me.

Since you're masseur,

Maybe you can, you know, help me out,

or give me any point or something.

Actually, I haven't had any clients today,

so my hands is pretty fresh.

Seriously? Thank you.

- Thank you.
- So, let me just get set up.

- So, give me 10 minutes.
- Okay.

Perfect!

Hey.

Hey.
Take your robe off and climb over.

So, there's really no catch of this?

No. Do you want a massage or not?

Okay. Face up or face down?

Face down.

I'm so fucking sore.

Are you sore from the gym,

or the little work out
you had in our kitchen?

I can never tell.

Okay, I'm just gonna take that off.

Oh yeah, thanks.

So, what's your doggy's name again?

- Godiva.
- It's cute.

Yeah, she's my little angel.

Damn. Your hands are magical, woman.

Thank you. Years of practice.

They say 10,000 hours makes you
a solicit master.

That's what they say, huh?

Yeah, in my experience,

big eyelashes, long legs
and a par 34-C waist also works.

Sorry, I thought you liked it rough.

Anyway,

It's what my mom said,
and it's the truth.

Especially here in LA.

If you're not a 10 in this town,
you're nobody.

That's really sad.

- What is?
- What you just said.

'If you're not a 10 you're nobody'?

Yeah, well, that's life.

I mean, like I was talking to that...

interviewer chick earlier.

- What's her name...
- Olivia.

Yeah, her.

She told me straight up that

they had already found the girl,
someone listed as a whip.

Whatever that means.

It's a harsh training reference.

How did you charmed
the way that one?

I didn't charmed her.

I lovable with her.

You can learn any trade,
make shit tons of money

and climb the highest mountain,
but beauty,

and I'm talking about
authentic natural beauty.

It's priceless.

You can't earn it, you can't buy it,

but if you know how to use it,

it can buy you anything.

No way she fell for that.

You can't buy happiness.

- You know?
- Yeah?

Turn around. I'm gonna get you on the face.

They don't bite.

Keep your eyes closed.

Anyway, you were right a second ago.

She did not fall for it. She said
that the couple outmost concern,

is that the child has a carefree
a childhood as possible.

And that was when I knew
I had her,

because at grade school, nobody
has it in easier child than the cool kid.

While the losers
studying for AP Geometry

were getting tossed into the trashcans
and planning killing sprees,

me and my girls were just kicking it.

And look how great I turned out.

Yeah, I bet you look good, bitch.

What? The fuck? Do you have any idea
what this will do to my skin?

I do. You didn't say 'cheese'.

Why did you do that,
you crazy fucking bitch?

- Why would you throw my flowers away?
- That? Jesus.

- I was looking out for you.
- Yeah, you're jealous.

Oh my God, girl, you really,
really need to get fucked,

and you need to get fucked good.

Not by your pathetic and perverted boyfriend,

not by Clifford, the big red dildo
like I saw you play earlier.

I'm sorry.

You know what I that you don't?

- Cellulite?
- I have a boyfriend,

who loves me,
and he may not be perfect,

but he doesn't treat me
like a sperm receptacle.

Janie, you found another girl's
zebra g-string in his car.

Trust me, you're the cum dumpster.

I'm gonna beat the slut out of you.

Why? For once again being honest?

I've never told you that the
g-string was zebra prints!

Shit.

Shit!

Oh my God.

Fucking...

You are really testing my patience, bitch.

- I was about to apologize.
- For what?

Stealing my flowers or just
sleeping with my boyfriend?

I'm sorry. Did I miss the joke?

If you think that I would let
your pencil dick's boyfriend

fuck me, you're the joke.

Come on, Janie, seriously.

I can do better.
Like I did better this morning.

Go fuck yourself.

Oh, hand me your jelly red giant.
I'd love it.

Listen, you little twat,

touch my face, even a single hair
on my body one more fucking time,

and I will unleash hell on you.

I did not sleep with Joe.

You jump to conclusions in that
crazy little head and schizoid of yours.

Then swear on your life that
wasn't your g-string that I found in his car.

No, that was totally my g-string,

but I didn't fuck him.

Fuck you!

Did you use my Andre Walker shampoo?

Eat shit!

Fuck!

Fuck you!

What did you do?

Shit.

What can I get you?

What do you need?

- Epi...
- Well, no...

- Tell me what you need.
- Epi...

EpiPen? An EpiPen?
Okay, wait.

Okay, where do I put it?

Where do I put it?

On the foot?

- Fucking...
- Your vagina?

- Thighs.
- Your thigh?

Sorry.

Wow, bitch.

All right, bitch,
you wanna play with fire?

I think we have taking this too far.

- Really?
- No!

The fuck?

Bring it, crater face.

- Did I ruin your little artistic statement?
- Oh my God!

No, not the face. It's permanent.

Who needs beauty
when you got brains, right?

Besides, you couldn't possibly get any uglier.

- Who the fuck is texting?
- It's Joe! And he's gonna be here any minute!

Oh, pencil dick is coming over?

Fuck you!

Oh God, did Ernest Heming-gay
wrote you another poem?

It's not Joe. It's Olivia.

Guess who made the final cut?

Yeah, the college graduate,
the hardworker.

No the fucking princess.
Suck my fucking twat!

Looks like the ancient battle

between Beauty and the Beast
ain't over yet, bitch!

Oh my God! You broke my Mary Magdalene!

That's it!

Do you have any idea how much it cost?

Nine blowjobs?

Fuck you.

No!

Dee! Stop. Please.

Those are irreplaceable!

Oh, what's the matter?
You don't like people breaking your stuff?

Stop! Please.

Come on! The stupid mattress king
can always buy you another canopy bed.

You ever played the ultimate Frisbee?

No. Guess you're more math-lete.

Stop!

Janie?

Are you fukcing kidding me?
What are you doing?

- You crazy.
- When a dog's mad,

you chained it up.

Thank God I'm not giving you a muzzle.

No, bad doggy.
Joe's gonna be here any minute,

and I thought it'll be
super fun game we can all play.

What are you gonna do?
Fuck him in front of me?

Pencil dick won't do it for me,

but close.

- Hey!
- If you scream,

I'll spray the whole entire
can in your fucking throat.

I'm doing this for you.

I can prove to you
how two faced Joe truly is.

You better keep your mouth shut.

If he know you're listening,
he will never admit it.

It's up to you.

Good girl.

For that, I'm gonna have
extra fun with him.

- Are you serious right now...
- This will keep your mouth shut.

What are you doing here?

I live here, brother.

What the hell are you doing here?
Janie shitcan you.

Not officially.
I have a date with her.

So, where can I find her?

She ditched you up.
She left about an hour ago,

something about futuristic
theme rage in Melrose,

- with her ladies.
- True ladies?

- That doesn't sound like her.
- I've been working on her,

teaching her how to spread her, wings.

Look, Janie doesn't take
you seriously. Okay?

Oh, she does now.
We became total besties.

You know, she changed a lot since she
found that g-string that you stole from me

while I was in the shower
the day we met. You remember.

Sorry, I don't know what
the fucki you're talking about.

Could you just tell me where she is?

Who do you pretend were?

It's just you and me,

all alone.

Do you wanna know a secret?

- Maybe.
- It's a shame.

Janie didn't have to take you back,

because if you're single just like... moi,

I would have let you eat out my ass

and any other kinky shit
that turns you on.

This lips are sealed.

Well, they would have been.

- Where's Janie?
- Really?

You seriously love her?

Where is she and when she'll coming home?

I don't know, you're not waiting here for her.

No, because what I meant is...

If I can trust you,

then,

why does it matter if I
was dating Janie or not?

It wouldn't matter.

First,

I need two things from you.

One, admits that stole my g-string.

Fine, I admit it. You got me.

Good boy.

Now tell me why.

Be graphic.
It makes me soaking wet.

Because I was dating Janie,

and you're her roommate,
you are off my limits.

And..

From the moment I saw you, I..

just..

- Say it.
- Needed to eat that sweet pussy.

Now, I need one more thing from you.

Pull out that meat dick of yours.

Show me, right here and now.

How about..

you take it out for me?

I love how your head at,

but I make the rules.

Come on.

Just as I thought,
pencil dick.

The beast four inches.

Yet thin like a worm.

Would you rather I call you that?

This is at least the above average.

You have something on your head.
There it is, link.

What did you put on my forehead?

Hey, you know what?
I change my mind.

Go sharpen your pencil some place else,

and for the love of god,
trim that bush. You're not Don King.

You know what this..

Told you he was a two faced perve.

By the way, I so called his
dick was long and thin.

You knew the whole time.
I was right.

And you never told me.

I'm seriously gonna kill you.

For what? Showing you the light?

You didn't have to blinded me with it.

It's the only way.
It's better that you know now,

and not months later.

You better..
Take one more step, Janie Garber..

This is 500 dollars price!

You fucking bitch!

Fuck you!

I hope this will kill you!

This is all you are,
a used fucking condom.

At least I'm getting laid.

Swallow it!

Hey, Janie.

No! Stop!

Why do I feel that it's your
mission to make my life living hell?

Because you see yourself
as a victim.

A victim always has
an excuse for failure.

That's the difference between you and me.

For me, failure is not an option.

I hate you so much.

You don't hate me.

You just hate the idea of me.

You hate that no matter
how hard you try,

no matter how hard you work,

no matter how smart you are,

you'll never be me.

The sooner your shrink teacher
you had to deal with that,

the better off we'll both be.

I don't want to be you.

That's what you tell me too.

Everyone else does.

Someone who pops pills
and counts calories?

And doesn't feel good
unless she has a slimy man

putting her hand all over them

just to buy her gifts?

Says the masseuse.

You put your hands over
slimy old man too.

I just get better tips.

I do it for a living!

You do it so you feel good about yourself!

You don't feel good unless
everybody loves you!

You maybe right, Janie Garber,

but at least I feel special.

At least everybody likes me.

Do they?

Or do they just like bouncing
quarters on your ass?

Is there any difference?

We are in the prime of our lives.

While you are in here studying,

hiding, judging,

I'm out there living.

Enjoying every single second.

Are you?

Because you spend your
morning at the gym,

and your afternoon is tanning,

and at thenight you sitting
there on your computer,

Facebooking, Twittering,
and fucking Instagraming

photos of your manicures and pedicures?

Who does that?

You have like no personality.

You seriously are what you are,

like that's it.

You know what?

Don't! Don't!

Someday, you're gonna thank me for this.

Don't!

Consider this is your
chance to start over,

and you can start by
feeding that fucking snake.

- No!
- Stay back!

No!

Why would you do that?

Fernando needs to be fed.

She was an innocent creature!

Oh yeah. Just like you?

I was trying to help you!

First of all, bullshit.

Second, I don't need your help, Janie,

and that is just one of the
many things that I hate about you.

You think you're the unique,
and like a little gift to the world.

You think you're so much better
smarter than the rest of us.

You think everyone should be like you!

And that's the irony,

because you don't even
want to be like you.

How the hell would
you even know that?

That's how.

I know that you tried to kill yourself.

I know that it's actually almost work.

Your sister warned me
of your 'instability',

long before I let you move in.

You're so miserable.

You say you hate me?

The truth is,

you really just hate yourself.

What would truly make you happy?

Winning the 50,000 dollars,
going to grad school,

and living your dream..

or you beating me?

Congratulations.

You're going to grad school.

Why?

Like you said,
I don't need the money.

Why put me through all of this
if you're not going to compete?

I was bored I guess.

That's your problem now.

Live life as a competition
and you'll lose everytime.

You just said that life
was a beauty pageant.

I'm talking a mess, a lot.

Don't take it to heart.

Except for the shit
that men being dogs.

Yeah, that shit is the truth.

Where did you find that?

Under the fish tank.

What are you going to do?

Kill me?

Is that you wanted, wouldn't you?

You were so not happy.

If you were happy,
you wouldn't treat me like this.

Nice cabinet are full of amphetamines.

You might be right, Janie.

What are you waiting for?

Shoot me.

Just fucking do it.

Come on.

Shoot me.

Your boyfriend wants to fuck me.

I killed your fucking stupid dog.

Come on, shoot me.
Shoot me, Janie.

Come on! Do it!

Fucking kill me.
Fucking shoot me, Janie!

Janie, do it!
What do you scare?

Shoot me!

Shoot me! Come on!

Shoot me!

I bought it in Olivera street.

It's cool, huh?

Wait a sec.

You didn't fucking
know that was a fake.

You fucking tried to kill me!

- I just wanted to wound you.
- You fucking bitch!

Oh, fuck it.

Fuck.

We're totally not
getting our deposit back.

Shit.

Why did you want me to live with you?

I thought I could fix you.

Like a project.

You're such a bitch.

You might think it's so easy

to be me.

I do.

Girl, it's a goddamn nightmare.

Do you want to trade places?

Nope.

This will kill you.

One's not gonna kill you.
Come on, live a little.

Got it.

It's awful.