All language subtitles for Bless.the_.Harts_.S01E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

sync & correction by f1nc0
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Can't ever remember
how many clicks

through fuzz it takes
to get to the channel.

- I want to say eight clicks.
- It's eight.

Mother, if you're gonna keep
sitting out there,

- don't chime in.
- Wayne, can you get me some more wine?

- Sure thing, Betty.
- Wayne, do not get her that wine.

You do not work for her.
Mother, if you want some wine,

- you can come in and get it.
- I will not come in.

- I just got settled out here under the lanai.
- Mother!

What? I can't hear
you 'cause I'm outside.

Just gonna set it here like a...
like a pie cooling.

- Don't you hand her that wine.
- Damn you to hell, girl.

Hi, Maykay Bueller here.

I am supposed to be
on vocal rest,

but my station in life
is to serve Greenpoint.

There is some brewing controversy

revolving around
the Morris Culpepper statue.

Some people are asking,
"Does it glorify tobacco,

or is it part of our heritage?"

Other people are asking,

"Should it stay, or should it go?"

Smoking causes cancer!

Remove that statue, ban it, sir!

Statue stays!

That statue needs to
come down,like, yesterday.

Jenny, a lot of people have
strong feelings about that statue.

They think
it's part of our history,

like the Wright Brothers
or Fantasia Barrino.

Maybe so,
but smoking is not something

we should be celebrating,
statue or otherwise.

I'm just saying, people get
awfully riled up about these things.

Maybe it's best
to let sleeping dogs lie.

Wayne's right, y'all.
We should let that statue alone.

Damn it to hellfire!

You guys, I've been
reading up on Morris Culpepper.

He was insane
in all the funnest ways.

He clearly went crazy
with all his tobacco money.

He invented a knife for babies.

- Stop.
- He founded a sperm bank

- with only his sperm.
- Girl.

He had his hip replaced
with Liza Minelli's old hip.

- Love!
- Whoa.

He even tried to start
a Smoking Olympics.

And the footnote says
19 people almost drowned,

but then later died of cancer.

Wait. What?
It says here Morris Culpepper

dated Miss Teen Tobacco Leaf,
Betty June Bryant?

- Mother?
- Betty?

Yes, it is true, y'all.
Morris and I had a brief dalliance.

The year was 1983,

and a 17-year-old beauty
queen was discovered

by one Morris Culpepper.

Hello.
I'm Morris.

We had a whirlwind romance.

Fast cars,
romantic evenings.

He even took me
on a factory tour.

I was gonna Anna-Nicole-Smith him
and lovingly inherit his millions,

- but then things took a tragic turn.
- Oh, no.

- He died?
- I wish.

No, the tragedy was when
I realized I was gonna have

to be with him in the biblical way,
and I just couldn't do it.

It's my tragic flaw.

I just cannot do it with a
rich older guy for the money!

In the end,
a younger woman swooped in

and did what I could not.

Marjune Gamble.

She swooped in
the second I dumped him.

And when Morris finally died
at age 105...

then weirdly came back
to life four days later...

then finally, finally died
at the age of 118,

Marjune inherited everything
he owned.

That bitch.
Is she still alive?

Because if so, she is dead to me.

No one's seen her in years.
She's a recluse.

Y'all, I should've been
that rich recluse!

Well, that was not as dramatic
as I had hoped.

We have got
to find Marjune Culpepper.

Can you smell it?
A major Grey Gardens situation.

- What's a Grey Gardens?
- It's a documentary

about a crazy old lady and her
unmarried daughter living in squalor.

- I think I'm good.
- Yeah, I think I can skip that one.

So what do y'all think about
all this Culpepper statue business?

I haven't seen this much hubbub

since they put up
that gender-neutral gazebo.

Oh, Lord, I know.
It's a mess out there!

As far as I'm concerned,
they can melt that statue down

and use it to fix the guardrail
on Culpepper Slims Boulevard.

...is ...what I heard

one... stupid lady say.

As I threw her out on her
tobacco-hating rear end!

- You did not!
- That's my girl!

Welcome
to the right side of history.

Woo-hoo.

- Ugh. I feel gross.
- Aw, Jenny. What happened?

I lied to a customer
and said I was pro-statue

and pro-tobacco
in order to land a tip.

I mean, look,
I hate that statue

- and everything it stands for.
- I know. Me, too!

Smoking took three
of my four great-uncles.

But I learned a long time ago,

when it comes to important
issues, never take a side.

But... take a look at what
happens when you agree with people.

Oh, my Lord, Jenny.
Are you kidding me right now?

Look at all those Washingtons.

- Taking a side really pays well.
- Yeah, but it feels awful.

Well, don't be too hard
on yourself.

You are keeping the peace.

Yeah. Guess you could say
I'm kind of a...

paid ambassador.

But, you know,
you don't think maybe

I should just give
all this money to charity?

Yeah but... look around.

If we were to give that money
to charity,

they'd probably just turn around
and give it right back to us.

That's true. We would just be
eliminating the middleman.

And we could really
fix things up around here.

And all this cashola
sure would look good

in Violet's art school fund.

Oh, my God,
there's a Lincoln in here!

If taking a side pays this well,

taking both sides
would pay double well.

Hmm.

Welcome to The Last Supper.

Would you like to sit
in the pro-statue

or anti-statue section?

History? That statue wasn't
put up till 2002!

I've got bras that are
more historical than that.

First they knock down our statues.
Wh-Where does it end?

Pretty soon they won't let
cartoon characters smoke on TV.

Ain't that the truth.

♪ I got bills to pay
and my home's a rental ♪

♪ Dealing with a problem
that's monumental ♪

♪ Got to knead both sides if
you want to make some bread ♪

♪ So take your opinions
and stuff 'em down ♪

♪ Print bumper stickers
to sell in town ♪

♪ Why take a stand when you
can take the cash instead? ♪

♪ Working 4:00 to 10:00 ♪

♪ Turning both sides
against the middle ♪

♪ Working 4:00 to 10:00 ♪

♪ Who cares
if it's hypocritical ♪

♪ Working 4:00 to 10:00 ♪

♪ Late shift never felt
so shifty ♪

♪ Working 4:00 to 10:00 ♪

♪ But the cash
is sort of nifty! ♪

61, 62...

- It's just so great.
- What?

Just how you're totally
compromising your moral

integrity and saying a bunch
of stuff you don't believe

- just to make money.
- Oh, here we go.

Seriously, I'm jealous!
I really am!

But then I think,
what would Ido?

And the answer is, "Ooh, boy."
Not that.

Okay, y-you don't have
to be smart about it.

Doing the right thing
sometimes hurts. Hurts so good.

Just like the John
Cougar Mellencamp song.

- I love that song.
- I know you do, and you should.

The Cougs was really
onto something.

Taking the easy way out isn't
always the best thing to do.

Stop. I already feel guilty enough.

I'm not trying to make you
feel guilty. Go nuts!

But it is a little weird
that you bought those 600

thread count sheets and
still can't sleep at night.

Wonder what that's about.

- Okay, Jesus. I get it.
- Do you?

So... back to the sheets.
What do those suckers feel like?

Because this... 20 count.
It used to hold grain.

Tell me, y'all,
is there a Mrs. Senator?

Gram?

Don't sneak up
on your grandmother

when she's thinking
about what could have been!

Well, we were hoping for a less

emotionally-charged moment
to tell you this, but...

We found Marjune's address, and
we need you to take us there.

Hell, no. Why would I want
to go and meet the woman

- who got everything I didn't?
- Because we told you, Gram!

It's gonna be
a Grey Gardens situation.

Guaranteed sadness.
It'll be cathartic for you.

Marjune Culpepper is a recluse.
A sad, widowed recluse.

I prepared a presentation

of the spinster-esque horrors
you can expect to see.

Like... a single,
unworn baby shoe

with a centipede
crawling out of it.

Marjune serving high tea to
a family of world-weary raccoons.

Followed by a mid-afternoon
widow's nap where she spoons

the fully-intact skeleton
of her dead handyman.

And that's just the tip
of the creep-berg.

Maybe it would be kind of nice
to see the lonely hole

that gold digger dug herself into.

- Yes!
- Yay!

But hand to God,

if she's not eating tuna salad
off a Frisbee plate

and wearing tissue-box shoes,

there is gonna be hell to pay, y'all.

Yeah, I don't even see
what the big deal's all about!

Good evening, everyone.
Settle down.

Please. Settle down.

Thank you all
for coming tonight.

I called this emergency meeting
so we could have a safe place

to try to work through
this statue problem.

Look at me!
I'm the statue, babies!

- Get out of here, Randy.
- No, Randy.

No, please. Not tonight.

But it's a carnival atmosphere, babies.

- Randy!
- Get out of here, Randy!

Randy, you cannot do
fire blowing in here.

I'm begging you.
Please, sit down.

Now, I feel confident
that we are gonna be able

to solve this statue issue
peacefully tonight.

- That statue needs to stay the hell up.
- Yeah!

If it were up to me, I'd put
more cigarettes on that thing.

As an exotic dancer,

I inhale second-hand smoke
all damn day.

Even when I'm on break!

- Yeah!
- And I hate it.

I think the statue should stay up.

Thank you.

What? Really?
You got a hole in your throat.

Oh, boy. Sounds like we're
pretty evenly divided.

How are we gonna settle this?

H-Hold on!
Our waitress at The Last Supper

just made some great points
about the statue.

We should let her talk.

Oh, you mean Jenny?
Oh, yeah.

She has a real solid
moral stance on that statue.

So refreshing.

Yeah.
Jenny Hart will settle this stalemate.

Yeah, Jenny would never
let sleeping dogs lie.

No. Lord, Jenny, no.
Remember the tips.

Jenny! Jenny!

Jenny! Jenny!

Okay.

That statue.
Right?

I mean, it's, it's so,
like, it's-it's there.

You know what I mean.
Whenever you're in town

in the back of your minds
you're just thinking,

"That statue. It's there.
It's still there."

- Yeah.
- And I'm madglad.

That statue is the whole reason I'm here,

and why I'm so sad-cited

for all the wrong reasons
to say that it should be noted

that in regards to the statue

there are very strong
opinions on both sides.

- Too vague!
- Be specific!

You got my head spinning!

Well, we've all heard
a lot of, uh,

specific people say, uh,
a lot of specific things,

but the time for talking is over.

People, it is time
for action question mark?

She's right! It's time
for action exclamation point!

- Aw, sit down, you hayseed.
- I'm sick of speeches.

They wanna destroy something
important to us,

therefore, we should destroy
our hometown.

What?

Yeah, babies!

Wait! No!

Please, no.

I feel so bad.
What a disaster.

Well, isn't this a stinky pickle.

What a silly old mess.
Doo-do-do-doo.

So then, uh,
what's the play here?

Finish the job,
burn the place down,

- split the insurance money?
- No. Brenda, you're so silly.

The restaurant's closed
until further notice.

Start scrubbing, y'all.
Doo-do-do-doo.

Oh, no, please.

- Please not the sarcastic clap.
- What? I'm just a slow clapper.

2,000 years ago,
this is the speed we clapped.

But if you're feeling guilty,
that's your own conscience.

You know what? No.

I am not gonna feel guilty
about this anymore.

I am not the problem.
You know what?

This stupid town is the problem.

You don't think that maybe,
you kind of maybe

reaped some things that you
kind of maybe sort of sowed?

- Enjoy cleaning the toilets.
- I will enjoy cleaning these toilets.

Those toilets are gonna be clean,
just like my conscience.

- Great.
- Good, then.

- Fine.
- Okay.

- Oh, and Jenny...
- What?

Don't forget I love you.

- She lives in a condo now?
- She gets to live in a condo?

Oh, God. This is gonna be
some boring-ass bullcrap.

I'm starting to get angry,

'cause two little birdies
told me this was gonna be sad.

Relax, Gram. Calm down.
I-I promise you,

she's gonna be a nightmare
portrait of walking dread.

- Oh, hello, Betty.
- Or not.

I'm definitely getting
the Great Barrier Beef,

but I can't decide
if I should start

with a Boomarang-A-Dilla
or an order of Steve Irwings.

I don't feel like treating myself.

I earned half that money
by basically saying

I love cigarettes and cancer.

So... half an order
of Steve Irwings?

G'day, mates. Here's
y'all's BeeGee breadsticks

with some midnight oil
for dipping.

Wayne, I'm afraid I'm just
not gonna be able

to enjoy an authentic
Australian feast.

I know. What's the point
of having all this extra money

if we're not happy with ourselves?

I think I speak for
the restaurant when I say,

That's not a life.

- This is a life.
- Now what can I get y'all?

Nothing.
I think we're just leaving.

Crikey.

Grab that bread, baby.

On it.

Wow, Marjune.
This is really beautiful.

Some would say not sad
in the least.

Thank you.
Morris bought me this.

He wanted me to have
a place of my own.

Please, won't you have a seat?

Oh, no. I'm starting to think this
is just a regular rich lady place.

I'm horrified. Where are all
the Victorian dolls

- with cracked faces?
- Ugh. And what is that smell?

Oh, it's my eucalyptus soy
wax candle by Joanna Gaines.

This is not Grey Gardens.

This is so basic "B" normal.

It's like we bought tickets
to The Conjuring

but ended up in
Crate and Barrel: The Movie.

She also designed this distressed
"Caliente" sign above my oven.

Betty, your granddaughters
have very creative minds.

Oh, I think
they were expecting you to be

a weird, sad shut-in,
but as I tried to tell them,

you are clearly a woman
who is living her best life.

But no one ever sees you,
so technically, you are a recluse.

Oh, no. Not at all.

Thanks to my inheritance,
I travel 48 weeks a year.

Athens, Belin, Rome...

all the towns in Georgia
that sound foreign.

My goal is to dance on a table

with a stranger
at least once a week.

You know,
like that throw pillow says.

What a mess.

This stops now.
Wayne, pull over.

Everybody listen up.

Jenny, what are you doing?

Do you remember what happened
last time you made a speech?

Hush. This is the speech
I should have made

a long time ago.
And by that I mean yesterday.

Citizens of Greenpoint!

I made a mistake before.

I-I wasn't honest, and...

and it caused a riot; I'm sorry.

So now I'm gonna speak
from my heart.

I am a proud, lifelong citizen

of Greenpoint, and I have
walked by this statue

a million times,
but until recently,

I-I never thought about
what it meant.

This town may have started
as Morris Culpepper's

personal ashtray,
but now it is time

to open a window, spray some
air freshener, people,

and tear this statue down!

What do you say?
Who's with me?

- Boo!
- Your speech didn't convince us!

Now you're too specific!

Okay, you're right.
That didn't work. Drive!

What was I thinking? Trying to
make this town a better place?

It's just pointless. I should
have kept my big trap shut.

Take me with you, babies!

It's too much
of a carnival atmosphere.

Marjune,
I got to hand it to you,

taking care of Morris
in his moldy years

really paid off for you.

Actually, they were
the best years of my life.

Morris has been gone
20 years now,

but sometimes I still think
when I look out that window

I'm gonna see him coming home.

Rolling up
on his Rascal scooter,

followed by his team of no
fewer than six male nurses.

People complain
about second-hand smoke,

but I'd do anything for a lungful
of Mo-Mo's fumes right now.

Betty, I know it looks
like my life is perfect,

but I have a confession:
I do get lonely sometimes.

Oh, Lord, I do, too.
Ever since Ed died.

It would be nice to have
some company for a meal,

or one of my vacations.

We are connected through Morris.

Why, I can see
why he was so taken with you.

Oh, well, now...
Uh, let me think.

We could make each other
very happy.

Well, I think we could have
a very satisfying arrangement.

Welp, once again,
I couldn't trade

cheap sexual favors
for material gain.

- Okay.
- Now, with Ed, your granddad,

it was different.

Ooh, when he walked
in the room

and gave me that look...
It was like, bam!

Yep, the jets in my girl jacuzzi
really kicked into high gear.

Ew. I'm putting my earbuds in.

This is the worst day of my life.

The statue, it's gone.

Looks like we
need a new statue...

- a robot statue.
- Dammit, Randy. No.

Oh. Ow! Ah.

Thank God there's a little bit
of peace in the valley.

I do feel bad for Randy, though.

Yeah, but it's kind of
for the best.

Everyone's hatred for Randy
brought the town back together.

There's a GoFundMe page
for his medical bills.

- Oh, we should give to that.
- I did not give.

But I said I did on Facebook.

- Y'all, can they track that?
- Mother.

Hey, I already did my good deed
for the year.

- Right, Wayne?
- You know it.

Welcome home, Mo-Mo.

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~