All language subtitles for rollerbabies_usac

In the not too distant future, sex will
be illegal.

The exact time is unimportant.

Suffice it to say, several generations
hence.

In this world of the future,
overpopulation had taken its toll.

A drastic drop in the birth rate became
necessary for the world's survival.

But all the myriad forms of birth
control that technology had given the

had proven in the final analysis
miserably ineffective.

Even surgical sterilization procedures
were deemed untrustworthy due to

incompetence among medical
professionals.

At least, this was the case in the
United States.

And so the government stepped in with
the only acceptable solution.

Mass suppression.

of the human sex drive by compulsory
administration of a chemical sex

suppressment. Heterosexual intercourse
was outlawed. And just as

intercourse became a felony, oral sex
became a misdemeanor.

Because in the eyes of the government,
it could lead to intercourse.

And so...

Masturbation became the most desirable
sexual activity of all on

those monthly occasions when the
population demanded some form of sexual

release. Technology had succeeded in
suppressing the sex drive, not

it. And thus, pornography in all its
forms

became not only legal, Not only
respectable, but a multi

-million dollar industry.

Subsidized by the government, the
Library of Congress amassed the world's

largest collection of erotica. The
Department of Health, Education, and

issued civil service exams to
pornographic film producers.

And Al Goldstein, in vigorous good
health at age 83, was appointed

as a cabinet officer.

Those who remembered what intercourse
was like when it was still legal swelled

the endless waiting list for licensing
by the FEC, the Federal Exhibitionism

Commission, known to its intimates as
FEC.

Those licensed were legally permitted to
engage in sex only

as performers.

Our story impounds the sex stars of the
not -too -distant future.

Men and women like the handsome young
man from Iowa named Jonathan Zee, and

girl of his wet dreams, the beautiful
and double -jointed Tappy Pull.

And how their world was changed
inexorably when television producer

Probrish skated into their life.

In the not -too -distant future, tech
will be illegal.

But there will be roller babies.

This is their story.

69, 69.

Who's calling?

Oh, Mr. Smith, can you hold on a minute,
please?

Mr. Smith from the television station
wants to talk to you.

Are you in? In?

In? What the hell do you think I am, an
anteater?

No, I mean to Smith.

Tell him I'm out to lunch.

I'm sorry, sir.

He's eating at the moment.

Yes, sir.

He won't wait.

All right.

Hello?

Yes, sir.

Of course, sir.

Yes, sir. I know what you always said.
Let's put the X back in W -S -E -X.

Yes, sir.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Prick. What do you want?

Well, the usual.

Gotta have more imaginative acts on the
fucking suck show. Remember the

competition and blah, blah, blah.

He also said that the widow of the
female impersonator with the horse is

sue.

You remember.

The one who did the impression of
Catherine the Great.

Oh, yeah.

Jesus,

Alice!

You've got to be more careful.

I know.

I can't do anything with that camera
staring at us.

Are you sure they can't see us?

I told you, Professor Roxo fixed
everything.

See the attachment on that lens?

It's called a masker. It distorts the
image they're supposed to see at

headquarters. You know what they're
seeing right now?

You sitting behind a desk in front of a
voice transcriber recording a letter.

As far as they're concerned, this is a
normal, everyday office.

I don't know how Roksov does it, but he
does it.

Watch this.

Hey, you.

At the Federal Bureau of Sex Impulse
Suppression.

Bite my schpanz, motherfuckers.

Some invention, huh?

Cut it out, Sherman.

Will you stop being so skitzy? I told
you they can't see us. Besides, they see

millions of guys every day with their
flutes in their hands.

That's okay by them.

Just as long as nobody's S -C -R -E -W
-I -N -G screwing.

That's a no -no.

What a fucked up country.

The law is the law.

I don't know what's happening with me.

I used to masturbate for years and years
and years, and all I ever get is a

tingle. But since I've been working for
you, I've been coming and coming and

coming. I don't know, maybe it's these
new lollipops.

Could be.

6969, Forbisher's Television.

Who's calling?

Mr. Vito. Hold on a moment, please.

Vito who?

Just Vito.

Oh, that Vito.

I owe him a repayment on a loan.

Tell him he'll have a check at the end
of the month.

Mr. Vito, sir, you'll have a check at
the end of the month?

Yes, sir.

Yes. Goodbye.

How much do you owe him?

A million and a half.

What was the message?

Just remember what happened to Sidney's
kidneys.

You don't have that type of money.

6969.

Yes, of course. Send her up.

Miss Hope, nice to see you.

That's the niece of a friend of mine.

Come on, let's get organized.

Listen, go on. Go out to your desk and
make like we're running a legitimate

office here.

Hope, are you sure about this?

Of course I am, Mr. Frobish.

And Uncle Jack said you could help me.

Well, you realize, Hope, that a sex
performer has to be licensed by FEC.

Yes, that's my problem.

I can't get a job unless I have a
license.

But I can't apply for a license unless I
know I have a job.

Please say you'll take me on.

Well, personally, I like to be on top.

Huh? Never mind.

Look, Hope, are you sure you're cut out
for this sort of work?

Boy, was that a stupid question.

What I mean is, you hardly know anything
about sex.

I mean, you're still a virgin, aren't
you? Of course I am.

Do I look like a common criminal?

Of course not. No offense intended.

Well, you might as well find out what
you're getting into.

Where are you going?

Not me.

Us. We are going to my club.

Nightclub? Yes.

Oh, good. I've got to change into my
tux.

We're taping next week's show over
there.

Let's go. You're going to find out just
what it takes to be a sex star.

Uncle Jack never told me that you were
the home, Mr. Baker.

I've heard a lot about this place.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Fuck and Suck Show. A

carnal cornucopia coming to you from the
hungry sphincter in New York City.

Courtesy of PBS, the pornographic
broadcasting system.

I'm Orson Aran, your host for this
evening's attraction of stellar sex.

urging you to sit back, relax in the
privacy of your cubicle, and please,

free to do it with both hands so that
you can't change the channel.

Tonight, we're presenting America's
biggest sex stars, Jonathan Zee and

Poole.

And direct from the Denmark Ballet,
Caesar Shorthairs and Hedonistic.

Performing their famous pas de deux from
the Nutsucker Suite.

And also we have tonight America's
favorite erotic comedian, Lillian

Ventriloquist, Senor Cojones and his
talking cock.

Patty Cakes and her all -girl orchestra
and many, many more.

So please stay tuned. We'll be right
back.

Everybody has a gimmick.

Well, who thought of that one?

Me. Oh.

I don't mean to tell you how to run your
business or anything, but what could

possibly be erotic about a
ventriloquist?

Now you see why I brought you here.

Look, you want to make it in this
business, kid, you gotta have a gimmick.

Did you ever hear of Linda Lovelace?

I took a porn history course in college.

Well, then you know what she did, right?
Simple.

Basic. She sucked a good cock.

But nobody had ever seen anybody suck a
cock like she did on a screen before.

It was different.

It was a gimmick.

Pretty soon this Linda Lovemore came
along.

What happened to the original?

In the toilet.

She never came up with a better gimmick.
Look, let's call a spade a spade.

You see one cunt, you've seen them all.
It's the same with cocks. Look, some are

bigger than others.

You blow them up on a movie screen, they
all look big. It gets boring after a

while, so you've got to come up with
different things. Keep topping yourself.

When porno started surfacing in the
1970s, pretty soon you had chicks

while they sucked cock.

Had some guy with tattoos all over his
body. Got a lot of attention.

Now tell me, what could possibly be
erotic about some stupid broad who

Juergens lotion from her cunt 200 feet?

Nothing in and of itself. But that's the
whole point.

Pretty soon, it's not whether or not
something's a turn -on, but whether it's

different.

In other words, the novelty itself
becomes erotic. So you gotta have a

The scene you have just witnessed
contains redeeming social significance.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the stars
of our show, America's favorite sex

performers, Jonathan Zee and Taffy
Poole.

Wax on it? Horrific.

Wait a minute.

I forgot to take my suppressants today.

And I don't have any with me.

Have one of those.

Thank you.

There's a laser operation to sterilize
the sex dolls that's full of poop.

Why can't they give that to everybody?

It's a lot better than having to take
those lousy pills every day.

I know.

Well, they say it's because the laser
operation would be too expensive to give

to everybody, but I don't believe that.

I think those laws were made by the last
surviving Puritan on the face of the

earth.

Maybe.

Are you sure you gave me the right
pills?

I feel funny.

Jeremy, I feel different.

Huh? I like it.

I feel mellow.

Oh?

You're all sort of mooted like.

You know something, Tony?

This glyph is beginning to bore me.

Why don't we go somewhere else and find
something better to do?

Got any suggestions?

Yeah, lots of suggestions.

Come on, Sherry, let's go now.

I wanted you to see this other act
that's coming on next. It's in your

and it's talking hard.

Oh, I can't wait, Sherry.

Let's go now.

Come on, Sherry.

Oh, Shermie, where are we going?

Someplace private.

For God's sakes, will you please stop
calling me Shermie?

Shermie.

Bye. Bye.

I don't understand why you wanted to
stop over at the store first.

You'll see.

You said I have to have a gimmick,
right?

Well... Take off your clothes.

Well, it's been done before, but we'll
give it a fuck.

I never tasted a cocktail delicious.

Mmm.

Pistachio is my favorite.

Oh,

I believe in

this. Come in my

mouth. Let your cough come, your green
cough.

Fucking good.

Oh, for a virgin, you've got some great
moves, kid.

Well, it helps if you've grown up
watching porn films.

It's great for learning technique.

Yes. Many marriages and relationships
have been saved by the educational

benefits of explicit pictorial
pornography.

Many relationships built on trust, deep
personal commitment, open communication,

and true love still founder because of
lack of communication.

in the conjugal bed.

Krogan here.

Yes, Alice.

Who's Alice?

My secretary.

Yes.

Who?

Fuller who?

The commissioner of the FEC?

Suffering space war, sure.

Of course.

Tell him I'll be there in a half an
hour.

Look, I gotta lift off. Can you find
your way out of here?

Hey, wait a minute!

Look, I'll glom you later. I'm in a
hurry.

What about me? You lousy, no -dick
motherfucker.

You promised to make me into a star.

Keep practicing.

And so, Sherman Frobish came to the
office of the Federal Exhibitionism

Commission at my express invitation.

What he did not know is that his life of
success, glamour, and illicit sex

was about to take a turn for the worse.

What he did not know was that his life
of success, glamour, and illicit sex was

about to take a turn for the worse.

About to take a turn for the worse,
goddammit!

That must be Frobish now.

Coming!

Mr. Frobish yes sir Mr. Frobish I just
want you to know that we in fact deeply

appreciate your fine efforts in making
the fuck and suck show such a strong

hit in the past but now there's a new
competitive sex network

that wants to steal our audience we're
in trouble the affiliates of the

entire network

Very much in trouble.

K -U -N -T in Los Angeles may fall soon,
due to lack of funds.

W -H -O -R in Chicago is under attack by
Mayor Daley.

We're in trouble, son.

The public wants alternative sex
programming.

Please, sir, get to the point.

Well, in the last year, Frobish, the
ratings of the fucking sex show were to,

put it bluntly,

Slipping.

So, though it pains me deeply to have to
say it, after six more

presentations, your program will be
cancelled.

I asked you here because I thought you
might want to hear this personally,

from the top. I'm terribly sorry,
Frobish.

Thank you, sir.

Of course, there's no hurry.

But my son, Bull, is coming in as the
producer of the program, which is going

replace yours.

So you won't be needing the key to the
PBS executive washroom.

Thank you.

Well, now if there's nothing else...
Well, maybe there's an opening on the

schedule. Perhaps I could do a pilot
that you could look at.

No, no, son. I'm sorry. We need younger
men, like my son Bull.

Bull Shite.

Fine boy. He just graduated Northwestern
University.

Younger? Oh, look at it this way,
Frobish.

Could be worse.

Fifty years ago, you might have had wife
and family to worry about.

Sure. Sure.

What have I got to worry about?

Just payments on a two -room office, one
of only three of its kind in the city,

and a Class A luxury cubicle.

How can I go back to a Class D flat now?

I'm young, but not that young.

I've got so much.

Two suits.

Real meat.

How can I give all this?

Come now, my boy.

I'm sure you'll work everything out.

And if there's anything you need, just
call my secretary.

And let's have lunch together, eh? Real
soon, eh?

Goodbye.

And so Sherman Probish turned to the one
man he knew could help him, Dr.

Irving Roxoff, the noted inventor.

They say that behind each great man is a
good woman.

Not so in Sherman Probish's case.

Oh, he had a great many good women.

But they were mostly under him, not
behind him.

No, behind him and all his
accomplishments.

stood the mad Professor Roxo.

Professor Roxo, how are you?

Oh, shimmy, shimmy, my boy. It's good to
see you.

You here to give me my latest
assignment?

Hey, tell me, you know some of the
lessons I give you? Tell me how

they were with all those fancy
schnitzels you got.

Oh, just stop for a minute. You're
making me dizzy.

Listen to me.

I've got some bad news for you. Well,
what happened?

They have to let you go.

Well, don't talk to me.

One of those girls, she got sick from
the stimulant, so now maybe she wants to

sew.

Don't talk to me. I don't want to talk
to her. No, no, it's nothing like that.

It's just that in a little while, I
might not be able to afford you, that's

I mean, look, for a while, I was riding
high, big man on television, all that

gliff. But now... You're on your TV
show.

That's right, my TV show. In the toilet.

They call me into the office and tell
me, six more weeks, and then the fucking

sock show is tape -put.

But don't worry, I'll buy you out of
your contract with me, somehow.

But we're going to have to close down
this laboratory right away.

Is that what I can do?

I don't see how.

Unless you can invent me another TV show
overnight.

I should be able to come up with
something.

After all, didn't I make for you to mask
it so you could stoke your brains out

and nobody sees you?

Didn't I make for you the stimulant
pills that butterflies completely and

suppressants that they make us take?
Which work better, my boy.

Well? You're not kidding, they work.

Gave one to my friend's niece the other
day. She nearly raped me in front of

half the FBSIS at my club.

Hey,

hang a minute.

What about if we go into business
selling those things after my show

they have to diddle -da -fiddle at least
once a month and not have an old

-fashioned fight.

You want them, you should increase their
desire or make them feel worse.

It makes sense. On the black market, you
don't have to sell.

Who would want it?

Well, how about if we market the master?

What's the matter with your boy, huh?

even think.

Fine.

I may have something for you. I didn't
want to have to tell to you, but if you

want a new way to bring in the shackles,
I have just what you need.

Holy shit!

That lunatic working for me.

Why? Why?

What could you possibly need a dead body
for?

Damn! Who said anything about death?

Calm down. Relax.

She's my android.

Your aunt who?

No, no, no, no. You don't understand.

Look at her.

She's beautiful.

She's got everything.

She's got eyes, lips, her breasts, and
even her, you know, her look.

I can see, but what do I care about?

Wait a minute.

Oh, you mean like, uh, like an
inflatable doll, only it moves.

Who wants to stick his shrugs into a
piece of machinery?

What's the matter? You never read
Penthouse?

What? Oh, a magazine when I was a kid.

Such letters.

Yeah, but you got it all wrong.

I never said Roman.

I said Android.

She's made from chemicals. She's got
everything a real woman's got.

Even internal organs.

Made from inorganic materials.

You should watch this. I'm going to do
something you've never seen before.

Meet Sharon 69.

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Sherman, I'm
sure.

69?

Oh, there were 68 other models in the
Sharon series.

You know what they say, if at first you
don't succeed, go out and try her.

Try her? You mean... Yeah, why not?

Hey, Sharon.

Show Mr.

Sherman what you can do.

Oh! Oh!

What do you think, my boy?

Not bad.

Not bad at all. Yeah, but like I said,
it's still got a few bugs in it. I gotta

make pee -pee.

He talks. Yeah, I noticed.

But it feels like the real thing.

That's the important part.

And what's more important is you don't
need birth control.

Fucking an android would be legal.

Jesus, we market these, we'll make
billions.

Professor, you're a genius.

Vito? Frobish.

Yes, we're expecting a shipment of
synthetic hair very soon.

Right. I'm converting my club into a
factory.

Yes, we hope... Yes, Vito, yes.

Yes, we hope to be going into production
on our first line of androids very soon

now.

Yes. Okay, sure. I'll have it checked
for you at the end of the week.

Right.

Zippity -doo -dah, zippity -doo.

With my androids, everybody can screw.

Shermie, baby, you're beautiful.

You've got your own personal genius
under exclusive contract, and he's going

make you stinking rich.

Who needs television?

So who needs pornography?

Sherman Frobish, industrial tycoon.

Jesus, that has a nice ring to it.

Miss Weisquad to see you says she's a
performer.

Well, tell her to get lost. We're not
singing performers now. We're getting

of TV, remember?

But we still have five more shows to do.

All right, all right. Send her in.

Miss Weisquad?

How do you do, Miss Weisquad? I'm
Sherman Froish. You've met my secretary,

Koja? Yes.

Have a seat.

Thank you, Al.

Now, what can I do for you, Ms. Squad?

I'd like to know what I have to do to
get on the fucking suck show.

Thanks.

Well, we're primarily interested in
novelty acts. You know, something with a

gimmick. Let's see here.

Hmm. The license seems to be in order.

You're having a special classification,
I see.

TPTK. What is that?

That's my gimmick. I give mind.

You mean you give head, don't you? No, I
give mind.

I'm telepathic and telekinetic.

Tele -what?

Telekinetic, you know.

Mind over matter.

I give telepathic blowjobs. I can get
you up and get you off without ever

touching you.

by the sheer force of my mental energy.

And if you'd like to know how it works,
I'm in a film that's out now.

It's called Deep Thought.

Well, I don't have the time to see many
films, Miss Watt, but thank you very

much. I don't know if I can give you a
demonstration.

Sure.

But not here.

It's too public.

I'm shy.

How about your play tonight?

Uh...

Yeah, um, alright.

Twenty hundred hours, okay by you?

Fine. Fine.

Okay, now watch this.

and you didn't even touch me. Am I in?

You bet you're mine, kid.

Wonderful.

Let's have a drink to celebrate.

Good idea.

Look, why don't you go relax in the
other room while I get the champagne?

To my job.

To my job.

I should know better than to dance
champagne like that. It goes straight to

head. Then I do naughty things.

Really?

Like what?

This.

Oh, wow.

Just consider it a token of my
appreciation.

Shirley's here.

Sherman? This is Alice. Don't talk, just
listen.

I just ran a check on Vice Court, and
the fact says there's no such person

a performance license.

You better watch your ass. I smell a
Nixon.

Holy shit.

And I gave her the... Listen, thanks a
lot, Alice. I'll keep in touch.

Excuse me. Maybe we really shouldn't
know how to do this. You know, we might

in trouble.

Come on.

Don't worry about it. It's only a
misdemeanor. They'll just give us a

So, I'll pay the fine.

Now, come on. Hey, I mean it.

Now, cut it out.

Hey, hey, come on. Hey, stop that.

Hey, look.

I said stop it!

Hey, I'm not going to tell you again.

All right, that's it.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

I hate to have to do this, but you leave
me no choice.

Operator, get me the FBSIS.

No, give me that phone. Why?

Is this what you want? Is this what you
want?

This is a theft, isn't it?

Yes. I mean, no.

Ha!

I mean... Oh, shit.

It wasn't supposed to work out like
this.

What wasn't supposed to work out like
what?

Come on, you evil little cunt. Spill it.
Who the fuck are you anyway?

My name's Gumshoes. Anita Gumshoes.

I'm with the CIA.

Sorry, sister. I'm not buying. You'll
have to do better than that. There

been a CIA for 20 years.

Not the Central Intelligence Agency. The
Carnal Intelligence Agency.

What? Here.

Holy shit.

We understand you've been engaged in an
illegal intercourse on a promiscuous

basis for several years. It was my job
to gain the evidence.

You mean screw me two different ways at
the same time, don't you? I guess so.

Sorry to disappoint you.

Wait, I didn't think it would be like
this. I mean, it's skitzy. I was really

starting to like you, you know?

Save it, will you? I'm telling you the
truth.

Get off it.

Maybe we could work something out?

Do it off the record?

I'm government.

I've got connections.

You must think I'm awfully stupid or
something.

All right, you motherfucker.

You had your chance. You're going to
wish your mother had never been picked

be a breeder.

I'm going to be on your ass day and
night. You won't be able to take a shit

without us knowing about it. Remember,
I'm telepathic, you son of a bitch.

You've been careful, but you'll slip up.
And when you do, I'm going to know

about it because I'm going to be reading
your mind.

And we're going to bust you so fast your
head will spin.

You hear me? I'm going to nail your ass,
Probish.

Probish here.

Yes, Professor. Good to hear from you.

Slow down, Professor. I can't understand
you.

In English.

Yes.

Sure.

What?

Professor, calm down.

Okay.

Okay, sure, right away.

Professor Robson, it's me, Sophie.

What?

What? Look, look, look at her.

What? What is it?

Can't you see? She's pregnant.

How? How? How? How the fuck can she be
pregnant?

I think you just answered your own
question.

Professor, she's an android, remember?

Well, so obviously she's pregnant,
though, huh?

It looks like she's either pregnant or
she's just deep -throated a watermelon.

But just answer me one question, all
right? One teensy -eensy -weensy

if you don't mind.

How? How?

Maybe in this one I duplicated human
functions just a little bit too closely.

Too closely?

Rock sore. You incompetent. You
charlatan. You too big quack. Wait till

hands on you and there'll be a couple of
human functions you'll be duplicating,

you son of a bitch. Like screaming,
pleading, and...

That's what happened. I mean, she never
told me she wanted to tell me.

Oh, calm down, my boy. Calm down. I have
a heart attack. I want to have a heart

attack. Assume he's doing 5 to 20 in the
state pen.

Don't you realize what this means?

The android is worthless.

And we've got four weeks to the last
show.

It's bankruptcy work for me now, surely.

Oh, God, and not to mention what Vito's
going to do to me.

What's up? I've got to do something.

Fast. I need lots of money.

Fast. Please, perfect an android that
can't get pregnant through something,

anything. Well, what about this one?

I don't know. You built her. You can fix
her.

What if I'm going to be so bummed to
ask, are you suggesting already?

I know.

Worship. No, absolutely not. I can't.
No, no.

Why the fuck not?

She's got...

Is this a watergate?

What's the matter, gumshoes? Is your
mind -working technique working?

You have to resort to snooping, huh?

Well, I've had it with you this time.

You're really going to get it. I've
taken all I'm going to take.

I'm going to pound the shit out of you.

In fact, I think that's just what I'm
going to do. It'll teach you a lesson,

bitch. Are you with me?

Oh, you won't get away with this. I
won't let you. I won't let you. I won't.

How could you move it?

You liked it. Admit it. Come on.

I like you. I have, from the first
moment I met you. I tried to tell you

but you wouldn't listen. That male ego
of yours.

I like you too, gumshoes. You're an okay
broad.

I think I'm getting nauseous.

But when I found out you were a fit, I
skiffed.

I felt like I'd been had.

And I realized when we started making it
that I didn't know what I was missing.

If what we've been doing here is
illegal, our society must be pretty damn

up.

Sure.

Oh, boy, do I feel like a shit now.

People, I've got a confession to make.

You weren't really attracted to me,
gumshoes.

No more than Alice here is every time we
make it together.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

See, Professor rocks off to... Developed
this sexual stimulant pill. It just

releases all the repressed sexual energy
in our bodies.

I slipped some of it in your champagne.

You think I didn't know that? I'm a mind
reader, remember?

Oh, wow.

Sex stimulants, eh?

Is that stuff in these lollipops?

Yeah.

Turf. You mean you're not angry with me?

I love fucking.

Okay. Wonderful.

But what about you?

The CIA still wants my ass.

Oh, fuck the CIA.

What?

I've decided I'm in the wrong business.
I don't want to be a spy anymore. I want

to be a sex star.

Oh, terrific.

So I'll introduce you to some of my
friends.

Can't you make me a star?

Honey, one month from now, I'm going to
be out of the business. Wiped out.

Finished. And if Vito doesn't have me
floating down the Hudson in a pair of

concrete water wings by then, I'll
consider myself lucky.

But I don't want to be a star for just
anybody, Sherman.

I want to work for you.

Oh, you two make me sick.

You want to work for me?

Then I've got to stay afloat.

Do you think you can use some of your
mental powers to help me stay on the

Maybe. And I am willing to do anything I
can. That is, if you're convinced I've

given up my allegiance to the CIA.

I'm convinced.

Now, the first thing we've got to do is
get back on the air somehow.

I can't stall Vito much longer.

Who is it? Come in.

Did you get everything?

I think so.

Nobody saw you going into my apartment.
No.

Look.

I don't understand what all this cloak
and dagger stuff is all about, anyway.

The new CIA's resources are almost as
extensive as the old.

Whenever one of their operatives just
disappears without formal resignation or

debriefing, they get nervous. They'll
come looking for me, I know. So I'll lay

low here until I can figure out what to
do.

Alice, thanks for this stuff.

Don't mention it.

Here. Who is it?

SPSS, Maintenance Division.

I've come to inspect your beacon cam.

Just a minute.

I do. Hold on a minute.

Oh, shit.

What? What are you getting?

It's a CIA undercover man. He's come for
me. Oh, my God.

Go hide the masker.

Come on. Open up in there.

Just a minute.

Hurry up, you stupid friend. I ain't got
all day.

Same thing.

They'll keep me waiting outside there
while they fix themselves up.

Listen, lady.

You've seen what I've seen with these
things.

You know, folks whacking off and all.
Shit, ain't nothing embarrasses you no

more.

You look tired, little fellow.

It's been a long day.

Can I fix you a cold drink? Hey, what do
you got? We got pure water.

Not every day you meet someone who's got
that. Hey, hey, hey, it's a rip.

Where's your camera?

The camera's in the next room in the
bedroom.

Okay.

Hey, thanks.

Hey, it tastes funny.

Nah, it's been so long since I had this
stuff. What do I know?

Thank you.

Rockstorff! Anybody home?

Yoo -hoo!

Hey! Let's have a party!

Tell him, little boy, I have good news
for you.

Hey, so what's with you already?

Don't mind me, Professor. I'm just a
little phased at the moment.

Yeah, I understand. You're depressed.
Maybe you should get where you want to

hang yourself.

Professor, you have such a talent for
cheering me up.

Well, I figured out what went wrong with
the android. I figured out how to

eliminate the reproductive system from
the model without...

Sacrificing the chemical hormones that
make us so lifelike.

Triff? Absolutely Triff. That means
we're back in business again, doesn't

Yeah, absolutely, perfectly.

Hey, what do you have to say?

Oh.

We need $4 ,573 ,000 and

$432 ,000 and $23 .4 billion.

That's an approximate figure.

Well, you know what?

Oh, well, gee, it's good.

I was a little worried, you know,
another 25 cents and we might have had a

problem on our hands. Good work.

You asshole!

That's four and a half million dollars
more than you said it would cost to

50 of them.

I don't believe this.

That means the market value on each of
these things is going to be six million

dollars. Who the fuck in their right
mind is going to spend six million

just to get laid?

Does that mean we're not in business
anymore?

What do you think, you nitwit?

Don't you know life's the way you're
making me seasick?

What am I yelling about?

I'm the asshole here. I'm the one.

I'm the one who put his entire trust,
his professional future, his whole life

the hands of an idiot savant on roller
skates. I should have known.

The professor who runs around his lab on
roller skates. The professor!

Oh, God!

You know, you could have helped
everybody three months ago if you just

and killed yourself. Okay.

Yeah, that's why Mrs. Kate's so much
more effective. I can't possibly fall.

Wait a minute. You say you can't fall?

No, I invented the old -style roller
skates.

It's just an idle little invention.

Idle invention?

Wait a minute. You cannot fall no matter
what you do?

Yeah, that's what I've been trying to
tell to you.

Professor?

Professor! Professor!

Hey! We're in business again!

We're in business! Our troubles are
over!

Some bull hated it.

But I loved it.

My boy, you have set the precedent in
this industry.

We closed the door on you. But you, on
your own initiative, made your own

And at your own expense.

And you practically forced us to look at
it.

My boy, this is it. You are made.

Your film is definitely a hard out.

Triff. Pardon?

Grace. Fine.

Do I get to go in it for 12 episodes?

You may start immediately.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'll get to work on the first show right
away.

And now, from the people who brought you
The Fuckin' Suck Show.

It's Roller Babies, the fastest moving
sex show on television, in which four

celebrity teams compete for big dollars,
creating imaginative sex positions on

roller skates.

Now circling our studio rink is our
regular celebrity couple, famed sex

Jonathan Zee and Taffy Pull, who will
demonstrate for our home audience how

game is played.

Each of our celebrity teams competes for
cash prizes.

on behalf of a home contestant chosen at
random from postcards addressed to our

studios in New York from our television
viewers.

Each team will engage in an actual sex
act for our panel of judges as they

around the rink.

Points are scored by the skaters for
originality and grace in the execution

the act itself based upon the intricacy
of the position chosen.

The team scoring the highest number of
points will win our grand prize for the

day. Ten genuine filet mignon dinners.

and a pair of his and her jumpsuits of
100 % nylon, all adding up to a grand

prize package worth $50 ,000.

Jonathan and Tappy will now demonstrate
the basic roller sex position, mobile

rear entry with woman in crouch.

This is one of the easier positions
because in it, the rhythms of love

beautifully and gracefully complement
the forward movement of the skater.

Forward momentum is gained with each
thrust of the man's pelvis.

Conversely, some of the other positions,
in which the partners are facing each

other, are more difficult if one of the
players must move backwards.

To stay in the game, each team must
engage in continuous hardcore sex

without ejaculation for a minimum of
three minutes.

A team with a male partner who climaxes
before the minimum time has elapsed is

immediately disqualified from further
competition.

Now, let's find out who our four teams
are playing for today.

Team number one is competing for Mr.
Argyle Sax of Trojan Bend, Indiana.

Team number two will be playing for Mrs.

Tess Testerone of Vastaferns, New
Mexico.

Team number three is participating on
behalf of Ms. Francoise Saint -Nouf of

Split Beaver, Pennsylvania.

And team number four is competing for
Mr. E. Jackalation of Bell Hatchet,

Nebraska.

And it's 1960, 1982K, 2020, 2040, and 10
is

50.

And another, and that makes three.

So that should hold you for now, and
I'll give you the other 7 ,000 tomorrow.

Oh, Bobby, I can wait until you give me
a check at the end of the week.

Yeah, but just remember, you need any
more road gyro stabilizers, so I'm ready

for you by Monday.

Yeah, you know they go for $1 ,250
apiece, but for you, $1 ,249 .95.

Professor, you're a pussycat. Listen,
I've got to lift you off now. I'm taking

something over to Patty Hearst Memorial
Stadium.

Go away, go away, go away.

Hold on, hold on.

I have for you something. You should be
so lucky. What?

What's this? Just the most earth
-shattering discovery since the 39th

removed sex from our daily pleasures.

It's the first, 100 % guaranteed, most
effective, 100 % effective

contraceptive. You should be so lucky.
Contraceptive? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, capture it. As in, again,
accept it. As in, get it knocked up so

you swell up and look like a fresh
salami.

Are you sure this works?

Naturally. I discovered it.

Well, that's amazing.

Well, that would mean... Wouldn't that
mean that sex would be legal again? Of

course!

Beautiful!

Professor, if you've really done it this
time, if this is really what you say it

is, then we'll be set for the rest of
our quarry's sweet lives!

Thank you, Jonathan Zee and Taffy Pohl.
Now it's time to meet today's celebrity

teams, and here they are.

Team number one features former CIA
operative Harry Stalfus, former ice

star Sonia Heine, and ever -ready film
star Stan Ding Dong.

Team number two stars freelance
artificial insemination donor DeForest

feminist rock star Connie Lindquist, and
the star of Mandingo Part 7, Tyrone

Exlax.

Team number three pairs part -time
gerbil breeder Clint Torres with

Sherry Jubilee.

And last but not least on team number
four, sex star Annette Stockings and

physicist Dr.

Bendover. Dr.

Bendover is inventor of preparation H
-bomb, or atomic piles.

And now it's time to play Roller Babies.

Team number one gets the action off to
an arousing start as Sonia Honey dives.

into a moving fellatio with female in
crouch position with teammates standing

down.

And here's Team 4 starting off slow with
a beginner's position, the same one

that Jonathan and Tappy demonstrated
earlier.

And oh, my goodness, look at that.
Sherry Jubilee and Clint Torres are

bid for the 50 -point bonus, going right
for the tricky stuff, a male -supported

backward -moving mobile intermission.

Here's Team 1 again, still in the same
position.

but with some interesting mouth action
there.

Team number four continuing in the basic
position.

Oh, but they're demonstrating a 180
-degree spin in which Annette Stocking

us her point spread.

Team number one continuing with a really
professional suck job.

Team number four is really starting to
move now, folks.

I think they're trying for the ten
-point speed -getting bonus.

And now Sonya's coming out of her
crouch.

She looks like she's trying for a point
bonus for a more difficult position.

Oh, we have an ejaculation on team
three.

Sorry, Doctor. You and your limp noodle
are disqualified from further scoring.

Enjoy yourself all you like, but no
points.

Now Sonia's back in her crouch again.

There's the three -minute bell.

Oh, there goes Stan in not a moment too
soon.

Good work, Stan. Holding out against
Sonia's oral expertise sure doesn't look

easy.

Team number four is still moving
briskly.

Now in a rear entry with female bent
over.

And there goes Dr. Dover.

Let's see if Annette can jack him up
again for a quick recovery so the team

number four can continue to compete.

Now Sonya's taking on her other male
partner, Dr. Mr. Perry Stolson.

Only 30 seconds remaining in the first
quarter.

There goes Perry Stahls, ascending the
first heat. The judges will tally up the

scores and will return after a short
commercial message.

Sherman! Anita, hello.

I'm so glad you're here. I love this.

Forget about this. Wait till you hear
what I've got to tell you. Good news, I

hope. The best.

The professor has come up with something
completely new. It's going to make us

much richer and the whole world a lot
happier.

But listen, I can't talk about it here.
I just want to watch the show now.

Just one question. Sure, I'm okay.

Shoot. How in God's name did you get the
money to shoot a pilot gun like this?

Oh, I just made a few deals.

You really want to know?

Anita Goat News.

Meet my new partner, Vito Corleone III.

But how?

Easy. I just made him into a bit. He
couldn't refuse.