All language subtitles for Taskmaster.NZ.S04E05.720p.WEB.h264-EDITH.eng

- Cheehoo!

- Oof!

- Shame!

- All right?

- Whee!

- Say cheese.
- Cheese.

- Kia or a koutou, and welcome
to Taskmaster New Zealand.

My name is Jeremy Wells, and I'm
sitting on this awe-inspiring golden throne

because thanks to some potentially career-ending
photographs that I have of certain TVNZ executives,

I am the Taskmaster.

Sometime in the past, I asked five comedians
to degrade themselves on tape for my pleasure.

Tonight, we're going to watch some of those tapes
to find out who, if anyone, deserves to win this ―

a trophy of my head,

made from lead paint
and pure asbestos.

In the running for this incredible
prize is our incredible cast ―

Bubbah!

Dai Henwood!

Karen O'Leary!

Mel Brace well!

And Ray O'Leary!

And by my side is a man whose
determination to one day earn my respect

never ceases to make me laugh ―
it's Paul Williams.

- Thanks, Jeremy. I actually did just wanna
take a second just to clear something up,

because someone told me that there's an
account on Instagram that looks exactly like me

and has my name, and it's messaging
people trying to sell them Bit coin.

And I just wanted to say that
that is, in fact, me.

Um, please buy my Bit coin.
It's been a really hard year.

- Tell us about our prize task tonight, Paul Williams.
- Sure thing, Jeremy.

For this episode, our contestants have been asked to
bring in the best thing that reminds them of home.

Whoever wins the episode will take home all five things.
- Let's start with Dai Henwood.

- In the words of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson,
I hope you've got your fun-derwear on.

Um...

- Is that a direct quote?
- - It feels like something he'd say.

OK, yeah.

- Because this makes me feel fun ―

it is a Japanese happi jacket...

and it's what people wear
when they're feeling a bit down.

So, you put that on,
and it makes you feel happy.

That, combined with a good pair of
fun-derwear, and you've got a good time.

And a surprised courier.

- Ray, what did you bring in?
- I brought in my landlord.

- I know your landlord.
- You know― You―

- He used to be my English teacher.
- Yeah, he― he's a teacher.

He's a retired teacher, yeah.
- It's John Warner.

Yeah― Oh, let's not say his name.

Look how happy he is
to take your money.

- Karen, what did you bring in?
- Funnily enough, it's not dissimilar to Ray's prize.

Cos when I thought about home,
I thought about people.

I've got a son, but he's too young to appear on
the show. But also, I have got a lovely partner,

so I made her a replica of our home
and I got her to put it on,

so...

That's what reminds me of home ―
Eilish with her head in the roof.

But obviously, whoever wins tonight,
you guys have got one good night with...

the cardboard box.

- Bubbah, what did you bring in
that reminds you of home?

- What I brought is this ―

Some sticks.

Um, so... that's like―
Yeah, islanders in the audience!

Yeah, boy!

Yeah!

So, this is a salu. So, you'll find this in every
single Samoan home. This is basically a sweeper.

I used it for the first time when I was little,
and I remember being like, 'holy, it's mean.'

Like, it gets dust and spider webs
that a vacuum can't get.

It's also a very good tool
to get beat up with.

Um...

- Are you telling me that
that salu picks up dust?

- I don't know what―
It's like magic.

You go like that, and just all the shit comes
forward that you don't know was there before, like...

meth.

So it's good for...

...finding all that random meth
around the house...

and beating people up with.

- Mel, what did you bring in?

- When you think of memories, what is the
sense that evokes the most amount of memory?

- The smell of―
- Yes, correct. The smell.

I thought of the smell
of my childhood, which is, uh, beer.

And so I've turned that
into a fragrance.

What?

- That is beer in a perfume bottle.

It's been quite good, cos I've been living in Australia
for quite some time, and then I just have to go...

'Oh, Dad.' You know?

- Well, I need to judge these,
and I'll give you one point, Mel,

because you could have just got a bottle of
beer rather than chucking it in a perfume thing,

and just― you can just
whack it on yourself.

Damn it ― I genuinely did
just bring in beer...

...and then at the last minute I was like, 'Oh,
that's so boring. I'll put it in a perfume bottle, '

and that's me.

- Two points for you, Bubbah, with
your magic salu― - But it's a magic salu.

- And that's why it gets two points.

Three points for you, Karen.

And I'm gonna go three points for you
as well, Ray, with John Warner,

and then four for Dai
for his jacket. Happi jacket.

Why don't we dive into a proper task and
see what these guys are really made of?

- Good idea, Jeremy. First task ―
let's hope they don't blow this.

Hello, Bubbah.
- Hello, you.

- Once again, lovely to see you.
- Likewise.

- Hey, Paul.
- Hello, Karen.

- Balloons!
I used to do balloon twisting.

- What could you make?
- Uh, dog.

One time, a kid asked me
for a scorpion. That was hard.

- Oh no.
- Why'd you say 'Oh no'?

- I'm really bad at blowing up
balloons.

'Get as many balloons
on the desk as you can.'

Oh no.

- 'Each balloon must be blown up,
have a face, and a name.'

- 'If a balloon falls off, you must get on your
knees and mourn it before placing it back on.'

- 'Most balloons on the desk after
10 minutes wins. My time starts...'

- Hold on, hold on.
I've got a question.

Can I glue it to the desk?
- Finish reading the task, please.

No, stay―
- Your time starts now!

- So, blow up balloons, give them faces and names,
and then grieve them if they fall off the table.

A classic Taskmaster task. Who's first?
- It's Karen 'Blow-airy'.

Quite a small balloon.
- That makes sense, doesn't it?

Cos then I don't have to use as much lung power.
- OK.

I noticed they don't have faces.
- I've got a system ― blow first. Always blow first.

Better start putting
some faces on, eh?

That's Paul.

Anthony.

There's Anne.

Steve.

Why does that one wanna go away?
- She has a name.

50 seconds.

- Violet.

- 35 seconds.

- Terry.

Oh, f...

- Mourn them, please.
You've got 20 seconds left.

- Oh, I'm so sorry that you―
on the thing, Grace.

But I still can't― They're just gonna blow off again.
- Seven seconds.

- Oh, I'm really sad that you
fell off. I'm so― apologies.

That was a wase of my time.

- That doesn't count.
- Skills. That― nah, it's gotta count!

That was such a good trick.

- I will admit it was skilled...
- Yeah, well then―

- ...but it doesn't count.

- You were a little bit impressed.
- I was― I was extremely impressed.

Happy with that?
No.

I didn't look up,

and I didn't see that sign saying the fans are
gonna turn on in nine minutes and 30 seconds.

And had I seen that, I would have
done something differently.

- Ah, yes.

Yes.

How did you feel, Karen,
when the fans came on?

- I felt, um...
disheartened and windswept.

- How many balloons did Karen
end up with on the desk?

- So, four.

- You're not telling me that blue amazing stomp kick
that went on to the table shouldn't have counted?

Thank you, whoever that was.

The people have spoken.

- No, I think four was fair.
- OK.

- Some scream from the audience here randomly does not
give you another balloon. That's not the way it works.

Coming up, more compelling footage
of comedians not looking up.

But first, we have to pay for all these balloons
somehow, so here's some ads. We'll see you ina moment.

- Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back. Paul,
please bring us up to speed with where we are.

- Our contestants are attempting a task where they
must blow up, draw faces on, name and mourn balloons.

Whoever ends the task with
the most balloons on the desk wins.

Unfortunately, just like myself, these balloons
must contend with some pretty big fans.

Let's watch Dai-Mel-Bubbah
try-fill-rubber balloons with air.

- Here's some tape. It's gonna
help it― stop it from falling off.

- Work harder, not smarter, Paul.
- Isn't it the opposite?

- What did I say?
- I think you said 'Work harder, not smarter.'

- Oh, yeah, I got that wrong.

- Does that first balloon have a name?
- Ah, yup. Jared.

- And what about that one?
- Uh, Paul.

- This is Paul.
- Who's that named after?

Paul Ego.

- This one's called Leo, and I'm gonna
call the other one Michelangelo, right?

Oh no!

Um... For my fallen soldiers,
I mourn you, and I love you.

- Blake. Amy. Genesis. Suzy.
Lance. Angel. Jared. Paul.

- What's Angel's story?
- Uh, she's a pastor's daughter.

- You've got four minutes 20.

- All of these girls
are called Jess.

- What about this one?
- This one's called Jessica.

- 30 seconds.

- Don't know why
I wasn't working at this pace...

Ha ha

Ha ha

- It's a little bit windy
in here, eh?

- I'm so sorry, Jess.
I'm so sorry, Jess.

Jess, I'm so sorry.

- Anthony, you know...
I love you, my friend.

- 15 seconds.

Ha ha.

- Jess, I'm so sorry.
I knew there was some shit going on.

- What's your name? Lucy. You'll always
have my heart. I love you to the stars.

Charlie ― absolute legend, my man.

Tennille. I mourn your loss,
and sorry to see you go.

Tulsi, these things happen,
but I've got your back.

I'll see you in the universe.

Tino Fa'asuamaleaui
didn't even make it on.

- You happy with that?
- Hell yeah.

I knew you were gonna
do something like that.

- Happy with that. Happy with that.
I finally don't feel stupid.

- How did you guys know to use tape
when you didn't know about the fans?

- Well, it just eliminates the possibility
of it falling on the floor at any point.

- I trusted my balloon-balancing skills.
- And you shouldn't have.

Fair call.

- Dai, did you ever manage to figure out where
the wind was coming from? You didn't even seem to―

- I was very deep. Just thinking about names was my
main thing. I have― My children were named there.

Your wife, for some
reason, was one of the balloons.

What did you... You said
'I'm sorry for what happened.'

- Yeah.
- We can't go into that, but...

- Bubbah, the look on your face ― that is the
definition of a shit-eating grin right there.

You were so happy with yourself.

- I knew, because after that glitter incident,
I was like, 'They're gonna try trick me.'

- I'd like to just reinforce there was no trick with the glitter.
- Yeah, OK.

- So, Dai had nine balloons
on the desk at the end of the time;

Bubbah, 19.

- Mel, 26.
- Ooh!

Great work.

Now, that must mean
that we've got one comedian left.

And ever since you introduced this task, I have
been looking forward to this person's attempt.

- Famous for his lung capacity,
it's Ray O'Leary.

- I don't think I've ever blown up a
balloon and tied it up before in my life.

Is this good?

Now to try tie it up
after having... blown it.

- Would you say that's blown up?
- I would say it's blown in.

How do you tie up a balloon?
Do you tw― you twist the top?

- You've never tied
a balloon before?

- I've never tied a balloon
in my life.

OK, that's just one that― that came undone,
but it doesn't say I have to tie them.

OK, so that one's Jeremy.

- You're scared that's
gonna fall off?

- Yeah, I'm scared a balloon this buoyant
might bump into another balloon and fall off.

Is there, like, a technique
to blowing them up?

30 seconds.

OK. I don't have time
to figure it out.

What's going―

Oh. Oh, I see.

Did any of them fall over? I don't think
so, cos they're all taped to the desk.

I, um... feel, um...

really good about that.

I mean, it's the saddest kids' party
you've ever seen.

- So, Paul and I always knew that there was
a hidden challenge in that particular task

in the form of some fans.

What we didn't realise is that the challenge for
you was going to be actually blowing up a balloon.

- When do― When are you meant
to learn to blow up balloons?

- It's just one of those things
you learn, like walking.

And sort of just― They generally
come pretty naturally ―

talking, and... you know.
- But you've seen me walk.

Do any of those count?

- No. - No.
- Oh, come on.

- Jeremy, what do you think?
Do we accept Ray's balloons?

- I think we should.
- Yeah.

Seriously, it's just a case―
As horrific as that was to watch,

the guy was trying to blow them up,
some air went in them, you know.

- So, with Ray's balloons counting, that takes
him to 14, which leaps him into third place.

So that means one point for Karen...
- Yes!

- ...two for Dai, three for Ray,
four for Bubbah,

and five points for Mel Brace well.

- Paul, are we allowed a cheeky
little peek at the scoreboard?

- It's a four-way tie currently.

In joint first equal with six points,
it's Bubbah, Dai, Mel and Ray.

Whoa. OK.

I think we all need a breather after that. Ray's
still tired from trying to blow up those balloons

- about three months ago.
- We'll see you in a moment.

- Welcome back to Taskmaster ― the only show
on television where you can win a person

and also another person.

Paul, do we have another task loaded up?
- We sure do, Jeremy.

And please note that this task was filmed
before the team tasks, so not everyone had met.

- Well, that's cool.

Oh, you can come in.

Oh, this way.

- I'll come round the―
- It's a push.

- Oh, is it a push?
- Yeah.

Oh, there we go.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Wassup?

- I know these people.
- Rank them from favourite to least favourite.

- That's― No, you can't say―

Shall we do this one?
- Yeah, OK.

- He's getting drunk with power.
Make me do whatever he wants.

Little freak.

'Become another contestant.'

- 'Best becoming
of another contestant wins.'

- 'If you become the same contestant as
somebody else, your points will be halved.'

- 'You must emerge through a door as
your chosen contestant in 20 minutes.'

- 'Your time... starts... now.'

- Do you know any of the other contestants?
- Uh, not― No.

- Who's this?
- Uhh...

...Karen.

- So, obviously not familiar with the
New Zealand comedy scene there, Bubbah.

No.

I didn't know anyone except―
I had met you.

Do you remember his name?

- Whose impressions are we gonna be
blessed with seeing first, Paul?

- They're the wise elders of season four of
Taskmaster New Zealand ― it's Dai and Karen.

- Dai?

He's way shorter than me.
- Right. - It's not gonna work.

- Physically, me and Mel
are, you know, the same.

- So, so far you've said Ray you think is
too obvious and everyone will pick him?

- Yeah, but maybe because of that, no one will pick him.
- Right.

- Bubbah I could pull off, but then
that could go drastically wrong.

Tonight, Paul,
I'm gonna be Ray O'Leary.

Tonight, Paul,
I'm going to be Melanie Brace well.

Hi, Paul. I'm Melanie Brace well.

- Hello, Mel.

Um, hello.
My name's Ray O'Leary.

The other day, a friend of mine asked me, uh...
if I'd be interested in watching the sunrise,

and I thought to myself that... that sounds
like something that would be interesting

to a moth.

- I'm 6'2,

I enjoy netball,

and I'm quite a big deal
in Australia.

- Favourite food?

- Uh...

coconut oil.

Straight coconut oil?

- I panicked.

- Uh, my favourite movie is... um...

What We Do in the Shadows.

- That's interesting, cos Karen O'Leary,
who's also on the show, she starred in that.

- Yeah, I'm aware of that, cos...
she's my sister and my partner.

- Biological sister?
- Yes.

- I don't know if you guys
should be partners.

- I'd like to say a shout out

to the... Silver Ferns,

and um... a big hurrah
to the Southern Sting.

- Are they your favourite teams?
- Yeah, they're the teams I can remember.

- What are your parents' names?
- I don't like to talk about my parents.

- OK, why is that?
- We're estranged.

- Oh. What happened?
- I started going out with my sister.

- And they didn't like that?
- For some reason, no.

- Thank you, Mel.
- That's OK, Paul. Have a great evening.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Ray.

Dai, are you still behind the door?
- Maybe.

- You can go now.
- Thanks. Thanks, mate.

- Very good.

Karen, was it just easier to stay O'Leary?
- Absolutely.

I thought, you know,
stick with what you know.

And also, again, I think we've
got quite a similar kind of look.

- Stick with what you know
is why we've started dating.

Yeah.

- Dai... you toyed with the idea of
impersonating Bubbah, but then you said,

'No, I might get myself into trouble
here.' What was your thinking behind that?

- Well, you know, if we look
at the history of black face...

...and we weigh up
the pros and the cons...

the cons tend to...

be 100%,

so I thought, 'Let's go with a tall
white woman instead.'

- You seemed to overlook quite a large part
of Mel's persona, and that's her height.

You remained at the same height,
which is interesting.

- Yeah, but the thing is, I just focused on
every other detail being picture perfect.

All right, who have we got next?

- They're the spring chickens of
Taskmaster New Zealand season four ―

it's Bubbah, Mel and Ray.

- Tonight, Paul...

...I'm gonna be...

...Dai Henwood.

Oh, fu―

- Hello, Dai.
- Oh, 'ello, Jeremy.

Excited to be here. Tonight on Team Two,
we've got Ray O'Leary and Paul Williams.

I'm more excited than a― than a Chihuahua
who's ripping a Slinky from underneath a grove.

I'm gonna go punch
a sleeping bag later.

- Go the bloody Warriors!

- Is the name Dai
short for something?

- Uh, yep. Die hard.
- Die hard? - Die hard.

- And your middle name?
- Uh, Really.

First name Duffin.

- So, what's your full name?
- Duffin Die Really Hard.

- W-What's your favourite movie?

- Oh, anything with the bloody
Vodafone Warriors in it, I tell you what.

- Did you break that umbrella?
- Uh, yeah.

Doesn't matter, I'm... rich.

- How'd you get so rich?
- Uh, just the greatest comedian alive in New Zealand.

- In New Zealand?
- Yeah.

- Billy T, Shmilly Shnee.

- Shmilly Shmee?
- Yeah. Billy T, Shmilly Shmee.

- What is this?

- A jig.
- A jig?

You know I love to dance.

- If you had to pick a contestant
to impersonate, who would you pick?

- I'd pick Melanie and I'd get on stilts.
She's massive. She's a giant freak.

- And you would make fun of that?
- Whatever she does to make fun of me is now no longer offensive,

cos I've said she's
a stupid little bitch freak.

Dai, I don't think you should
say that kind of thing about Mel.

- I'd love to stay and chat with you,
but... I've got a... an...

a viewing. - A viewing?
- Yeah.

- What do you mean?
- Uh, looking at some real estate.

- Buying or selling?
- Uh, both.

- You're buying and selling real estate?
- Yeah.

That's why I wear these suits.
- OK.

- Yeah. I've gotta go.

- Thank you, Dai.
- Thanks, Paul.

- Thanks, Paul.

Oh, God.

- You OK, Dai?
- Yeah, yeah, I've just had a growth spurt.

- Bubbah, first of all, you gave me
a real sort of kaumatua,

Maori elder sort of vibe.
- Because I thought you were Maori, remember?

- Oh, yeah! Yeah.
- You did! No wonder!

- Can I just ask, Bubbah,
why was Dai going to open homes?

Do you think he's involved
in real estate?

I don't know. I thought,
'What do people with money do?'

I live in Avondale.

Also, Ray ― when did you think
I look like a used car salesman?

- I didn't recognise at first that that was even you, Ray.
- No, no.

I-I... The role consumed me.

- OK, I think all three Dais
deserve two points each.

- Is that pre-halved or post-halved?
- Exactly what I was about to ask.

- Uh, that's pre-halved.
- OK.

Yeah, that's...

- So two points, halved ―
one point each.

- Yeah, one point each.
- OK.

- Dai, three points

for your Mel.

It was basically, you just had some women's clothes
and a wig on, and the rest of it was just you.

And then I reckon four for you, Karen, because I
think that was the best impersonation, was Ray.

Well done.

Paul, do you think it's time
for another task?

- Jeremy, asking me that has made me
the happiest man in the world.

I do.

- Paul?

- Ooh!

I always knew Paul
had the hots for me.

- Oh, cute.

- I'm presuming this is,
like, a clue.

- Quite romantic.

- Am I missing it?

Is this the task? Are we doing it?

- This is what it's like
to be loved.

- Oh, there's― Oh!

I guess we'll follow these.

- Paul. You shouldn't have.

- What do you want?
- Will you take this task?

- Yes. OK. A thousand times, yes.

- Thank you.

- 'Get married'?

'You cannot marry Paul.'

Well, this is― it's ridiculous.
You know that's what I want.

- 'Best wedding wins.'

- 'You have 30 minutes.'

- 'Your time starts... now.'

- Will any of yo use marry me?
- We need them to film it.

- Oh, yeah.

- When I was a child, I was at a dinner and I
was dinging the glass, and my friend was like,

'Why are you dinging the glass?
You have an announcement?'

And I told her
'I'm getting married to my hand.'

So maybe I could marry my hand.
- OK.

- I'm gonna need to get a plane from
LA so that my partner can come here.

- In 30 minutes?
- Dammit.

Damn, my bride's falling apart.

- Wait, I can marry myself, eh?
People do that.

- Probably.
- Yeah.

- And where would you like to get married? Do you know?
- I'm gonna have a look.

- OK.
- Can I scout?

I'm location scouting.
- OK.

- Lovely romantic task, this one. Whose beautiful
ceremony do we have the hon our of seeing first, Paul?

- He's our only married contestant, so if you're
Dai's wife, avert your eyes ― it's Dai Henwood.

- What would a dude
in his mid-forties marry?

I know what a dude in his
mid-forties would marry ―

some golf clubs.

You see where I'm going with this?

What do you reckon the chances are
of getting Flo Rida here in 25 minutes?

- Well, I assume
he's probably in Florida.

- If I can't get him here,
can I play a Flo Rida song?

- We probably can't afford a Flo Rida song,
but we could get some royalty-free music.

- I would love royalty-free Flo Rida.
- OK.

♪ R-Ready or not,

♪ Tell 'em here I come.

♪ R-Ready or not,

♪ Tell 'em here I come.

♪ We gotta p-push the limit.

♪ We gotta p-push the limit.

♪ We gotta p-push the limit,
p-push the limit, p-push the limit. ♪

♪ We gotta p-push the lim― ♪

- Um...

We gather here today to bear witness
to the wedding of Shush an a and Dai.

They'll now do the vows.

- I will be there through death, before
death, and after death. I love you, Shushawna.

Shush an a, sorry.

Can I have the rrring?

Shushawna...

Shush an a. Sorry, it really does
catch on the tongue.

Will you take me to be
your― your― your other half?

And will you be my middy?

Peace.

- Did she agree?

- Oh, yeah.

- Thank you, Dai.
- See you later, Paul.

Oof, you're heavy.
Oh, shit, sorry.

This is just what happened
to my first wife.

Let's just put you there,
and let's just run away.

Boy, there's a lot
to unpack there, isn't there?

- You know, the worst thing was that as
you left, you were saying to Shush an a,

'You're a little bit heavy.'
Never a good line at a wedding.

And then when Shush an a fell to bits,
you just took off.

- You know, sometimes,
you gotta know when to hold 'em...

you gotta know
when to fold 'em...

and you gotta know when to run away.

- If you're in the market for a new
vacuum cleaner or insurance company,

I would pay attention
to the next bit ― it's the ads ―

and we'll see you soon
with more Taskmaster.

- Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back. It's nice
to have your company. Where are we at, Paul?

- We're watching people get married for our
entertainment, in what I believe is a television first.

- Whose freaky wife or husband
are we going to meet next, Paul?

- You are hereby invited
to the wedding of Karen O'Leary.

- So, can I get my partner
on Face Time?

- If you want.
- Yeah.

- And if they don't mind
being involved.

- It's marrying me, why would you
not wanna be involved in that?

Eilish.
- Yeah.

- You may start the music, please.

- Eilish. Um, obviously, I'm very
excited to be here today to marry you.

You know, you're an amazing person, and I've
actually written you a very special song.

- ♪ I do love you. I do love you.
- Marrying today is what I will do.

♪ I do love you. I do love you.
Marrying today is what I will do.

♪ You make me so happy,
make me smile every day,

♪ even though currently you live
over, over, in LA.

♪ I can't wait to be married to you
for the rest of my life.

♪ Please, my darling Eilish,
will you please be my wife? ♪

Will you take my hand in marriage?

- I will.
- Thank you.

Now we can kiss.

Sorry.

- That's good. More, more.
- Keep going.

- Oop, sorry.
- My bouquet! I've gotta throw the bouquet.

Three...
- OK.

Two... one.

You got it! Congratulations, Paul.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

Ooh, dangerous.

That was actually so sweet!

You actually mad me sad.
It was so sweet!

This is the same woman that you've
offered up as a prize this morning.

- Well it's ironic it happens
to be the same episode.

- For some reason, it just felt a
little bit more heartfelt than Dai's.

I don't know.

I mean, with a bit of Flo Rida,
that would have been perfect.

- Whose beautiful event are you going
to awkwardly hover around next, Paul?

- He's always worn a suit just in
case this exact situation ever arose ―

it's Ray O'Leary.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no.

All right, it'll have to do.

- We gather here for the special day
of Ray O'Leary...

- Uh, and um... Fenella.
- ...and Fenella.

- Fenella, I've loved you since the
day we met, which was earlier today.

We went on this hunting trip

with this lion,
which is also my best man.

And even though you're severely...
dismembered,

you still look as beautiful
as the day I met you,

which was slightly
before the dismemberment.

- Does anyone object?

'Oh! I blimmin' object!

'That― his best man

'disfigured Fenella earlier today
at the hunting trip,

'and so that's why she's, you
know... and so this is a bad marriage!

'You understand the logic
of why I'm objecting?'

- Because his best man dismembered
the bride earlier in the day.

'Yeah.'
'Yeah!'

No, honey, it's not true.

Oh, no, my love! No!

Beautiful and melodramatic wedding.

Oh.

- I would be genuinely surprised if we
ever see anything shitter than that, ever.

You don't think it was
just as heartfelt as Karen's?

- Can I just say, I was there on the day, and
I'm actually impressed with how that turned out.

- Who's next, Paul? Hopefully it's a slightly happier one than Ray's.
- It's time for a Bubbahbath.

- Look at her go.

Wow, absolute hottie.

From the gutter to the block butter.
Whoo-hoo!

Hello, me.

Hi. I'm so glad you showed up.

- We're gathered here today

to witness the wedding of Bubbah...

and Bubbah.

Please do your vows.

- Um... cool.
It's been cool as knowing you.

My first memory of you is when we were at that
house in Mangere and you burnt the garage down.

That's when I knew
I was in love with you.

I think that we've
come such a long way.

It's been a pleasure being you,

me.

- Thank you, Bubbah.

Bubbah, your vows, please.

- Listening to your garage story just reminds
me of all the things that we've been through,

and after this, we've got some pisupo
and potato salad waiting at home. Yeah.

- Bubbah, you may kiss yourself.

- Sweet.

- You happy with that?
- Kind of.

- What do you mean, kind of?
- I'm pretty cold and wet. I don't know if it was worth it.

- Why were you...?
- I don't know, we didn't even show it!

- What a twist that was at the end, that
the bath was full of water all the time.

- Yeah, uh...
- I don't know why I filled it.

- She spent over half her time filling the bath.
- Yeah, filling it.

- Has that always been a dream ―
not only to marry yourself...

- Yeah, a wet dream.
- ...but marry yourself...

- All right, I need to see one more before I can score, Paul.
- Sure thing, Jeremy.

Here's Mel asking herself
for her hand in marriage.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I am a celebrity magician.

Welcome to the wedding
of Melanie Brace well and her hand.

- Make me proud, son.

He'd better not break
my young daughter's heart.

- You may do your vows.

- Handy, I've known
I've always loved you

since in high school, when none
of the boys were interested in me.

You ― you were always there.

Melanie,

I feel the same way.

He's a better man than I'll ever be.

Those are our vows.

- OK. Does anybody object?

'I object.'

- Is that... celebrity
singer-songwriter Taylor Swift?

- Yes. It's me, Taylor Swift.

She's always got my back.

I saw Handy cheating
on Melanie with...

Paul.

- Handy, you'd cheat on me
with Paul the celebrant/magician?

You bastard!

Paul, do you have anything
to say for yourself?

- Yeah. Uh, watch this.

That was the most impressive magic
I've ever seen.

That's good shit.

This is the best wedding
I've ever been to.

That was amazing.

- Great production.
- Thanks. - Really good.

See, Ray, that is how you
do multiple characters.

Right there.

- Not one character
was dragged along by a rope.

- How did the hand that you were marrying
have an affair with Paul without you knowing?

- Um...
- The magician would have used sleight of hand.

- I chose my hand because when you're a woman in
your mid-20s and you look at the men in the world,

you do realise that your hand can
do a better job most of the time.

- You could also just look at other
women. That's also a good thing you can...

You can get rid―
All right, you've convinced me.

- Well, to be honest, I think two of our contestants didn't get married.
- OK.

One point for Mel...

...one point for Ray.
- That's probably more than what I deserve.

- Bubbah in the wet bath ― three points for you.
- Thank you, Taskmaster.

- Dai, four points for you and...
Shashana, was it?

Oh ― Shush-ana.

- And I feel it would be unfair not to give you five
points, Karen, cos you actually married someone.

- That was really sweet.
- Yeah. How beautiful.

Beautiful. - And the song was beautiful.
- Beautiful.

- Speaking of marriages, here are
some examples of the unhappy marriage

between art and consumer capitalism.

- They're called ads.
- We'll see you after the break.

- Nau mai, hoki mai, welcome back.

We're about to let you get back
to your evening, but first of all,

we need to see what our scores are looking
like for this particular episode, Paul.

- It's a low-scoring affair, Jeremy. Out in
first-equal with 13 points each, it's Dai and Karen.

- All right, let's head upstairs
for a famous Taskmaster live task.

Can someone please explain
what I'm looking at here?

- Karen, would you please read this task?
- I'd love to.

'Side with the Taskmaster.
Paul will read aloud a statement,

'and you must decide whether the Taskmaster
would agree or disagree with that statement

'by standing in the corresponding
bathtub.

'The person who correctly sides
with the Taskmaster the most wins.'

- You ready?
- Yep.

Italian food is overrated.

Jeremy?

One point for Dai, Karen and Mel.

Jam goes in the fridge.

Get your leg in! Lift
my leg up! Lift it up!

- Jeremy?

One point for everyone.

The people who stand up on planes
should be allowed to get off first.

Jeremy?

A point for Mel, Bubbah and Ray.

Ray O'Leary's suit suits him.

Awww.

Yeah, but it's what he thinks.

Not what I― I love you!

One point for everyone but Bubbah.

Black shoes with
white socks is OK.

Yeah.

- Jeremy?

One point for Bubbah
and one point for Ray.

Yeah!

Tea goes in before the milk.

Jeremy?

One point for Karen, one point
for Mel, and one point for Bubbah.

- What kind of sicko
doesn't think that?

There we go. All of my opinions are laid
bare. Should we go down and score the round?

Come and take your seats,
and let's score the live task.

So, there's someone that came first, there's a tie
as well, and then there's some that came last, right?

- Yes.
- OK, so we go one point, three points, five points?

- OK, so one point for Dai...
- Yep.

- ...three points for Bubbah, Karen and Ray...
- Yep.

- ...and five points for Mel Brace well.
- Beautiful.

OK.

Before we announce our winner for tonight,
shall we look at the overall series scoreboard?

- It's incredibly tight, Jeremy.

There's only eight points between last
and first, but leading with 77 points ―

Melanie Brace well!

Whoa.

- Well, the race for my head is as exciting as ever,
but enough about me. Who is tonight's winner, Paul?

- The winner of episode five
with 16 points ―

it's Karen O'Leary!

I won my partner! Yay!

Thank goodness.

- Congratulations, Karen. You are now the proud
owner of beer perfume, one Japanese jacket

and two human beings.

Please celebrate
accordingly on stage.

It's been a wild ride,
but what did we learn?

We learnt that Ray O'Leary has the
lungs of a Victorian child labourer.

But most importantly, we've learnt that
Karen O'Leary is the winner of episode five.

Thank you so much for watching.
We'll see you next time. Ka kite.

Captions by Rebecca Scholtz.
Edited by Steffi Dryden.

Captions were made
with the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2023

- I'm ready for some good
old-fashioned television drama.

- Die, you cheating bastard!

- Nooo!

- We didn't lose it at each other.

- We just hated the task
and the show.

- It felt like I was out
with my caregiver.