All language subtitles for Strange Planet (1999)

(plane flying overhead)

♪ (Future Funk's
"Music Takes U High") ♪

Get close together.

Okay, that's beautiful.

(camera shutter)

I was going to give it to you for Christmas,
but I had to order it from America.

What did I do wrong?

Hang on, I've got an idea.

Oh my God.

Hey, that was really easy.

(laughter)

♪ (singing football song, indistinct) ♪

♪ Music takes me high ♪

♪ Music takes me high ♪

♪ Music takes me high ♪

Catch!

♪ Music takes me high ♪

♪ Music takes me high ♪

♪ Music takes me high ♪

♪ Music takes me high ♪

♪ Music takes me high ♪

♪ Music takes me high ♪

♪ Music takes me high ♪

JUDY: I think you should
get rid of your chastity belt,

because you're back in
the 18th century. (laughs)

ALICE: I think you should borrow it.

JUDY: You should be
wearing a corset tonight.

(laughs)

The world has changed.
Romantic love is dead.

It's finished.

It's been fucked up the arse by pop
culture and turned into a slut.

ALICE: Miss Judy is particularly cynical
tonight. What has happened with you?

JUDY: Nothing.

Chicky babes, I only speak the truth.

Sex is all that remains
and you have to take it

when you can, wherever you can,
and whichever way you can.

And tonight, I'm getting laid.

Nothing worse than being
fuckless on New Year's Day.

Okay, so maybe I'm out of
sync here, but why does sex

always have to be the
first step in a relationship?

It's like we believe if the sex is
good, then the rest will follow.

Love, happiness, et cetera.

But isn't sex always better
with someone you love?

Okay, but say you've spent
lots of time with someone,

fallen madly in love, and he
turns out to be a hopeless lover.

Oh, well, that's an old and silly argument.

So is yours.

Besides, I disagree with the
whole premise of your argument.

What do you mean?

Well, some of the best sex I've
had was with men I didn't like.

That's just terrible.

SALLY: Hey, I've finished.
Can I read it out?

Sally, we're in the middle
of an important debate.

No, go on. Let her.

Oh, alright, festive spirit and all that.

OK. (clears throat)

Number one, stop dyeing hair.
Two, stop buying clothes I never wear.

Three, make better use of time.

Four, watch not more than one
Cary Grant movie each day

and read lots, or watch
new films without Meg Ryan.

Five, learn to swim.

Six, get up when waking up...

in the mornings, rather...

JUDY: Who wants to listen to
resolutions we know she won't keep?

SALLY: Take my driving
lessons before next test.

And eleven, help my
friends in whatever way I can.

ROBERT: Judy, I need
to speak to you.

- Oh my God. What are you doing here?
- Can I just see you for a minute?

- Can I see you?
- How did you find me?

Uh, I followed you.

Are you crazy?
I'm in a hurry.

Can we just go somewhere
and speak? Just a minute.

No, Robert. Leave me alone.

Judy, I'm in love with you.

But you're married.

Yeah, my wife's discussed
this with a guru, he said it's OK.

And I just accept -

- (laughs) Your guru knows about us?
- Yes, guru.

Oh, right. I thought this was an affair,
not spiritual enlightenment.

Um...

Look, would you marry me?

Robert.

I don't care who sees
this, I'm asking you.

Will you marry me?

Robert, you're older than my father.

And you're my supervisor,
for Christ's sake.

What are you talking about?
You graduated two months ago.

Yeah, exactly.
I graduated.

JUDY: That's it. That was the last
time. I'm over older men.

ALICE: And married men.

JUDY: What did you say?

Just think. Somewhere out there, there
are three boys who are just right for us.

Oh, dream on, honey.

Three perfectly-matched boys who we're
fated to meet. They're somewhere out there.

Oh, it'd so nice to
meet them someday.

We certainly will.

- Do you think?
- Yeah.

Right, you are now
officially banned from

watching anything with
Cary Grant or Meg Ryan in it.

(laughs)

♪ Guantanamera ♪

♪ Guajira Guantanamera ♪

Hey, I've developed this new theory
about women and their handbags.

Neil, what is this obsession with theories?

You don't find the world
of science fascinating?

Yeah, but last week, you had a theory
that we're some alien's weird dream.

No, no, I was just speculating.

Besides you, you said you
had that idea too, you know.

Mm-hmm. When I was six.

Yeah. Well, I've been thinking
about this quite a lot.

Um, I believe you can tell
a lot by a woman's bag.

Okay, so what have
you based this theory on?

Well, it's a theory.

Yeah, but have you conducted
any study or collected any data or... ?

Einstein never did any research.
He just thought up the theory of relativity.

But it's kind of like - you know how you
can tell a lot about a guy from his car?

Yeah.

Well, handbags are symbolic of women's
sexuality, or more precisely, their...

vaginas.

How they feel about them. Yeah?

How they want the world to see them.

Yeah? Yeah?

Neil, you are a very strange man.

Look at this.

Look.

Yeah? See?

See?

That's a good - that's a great one.

It's a mystery to me how you even
managed to pass your law degree.

Yeah, it's a mystery to me too.

Must have lucked out, I guess.

What's keeping Joel and Amy?

♪ I'm gonna be ♪

(taxi brakes)

♪ I'm gonna be ♪

(door shuts)

♪ I'm gonna be ♪

So much fun last year.

♪ (Palefield Mountain's
"Superstar Baby") ♪

♪ A superstar, baby ♪

♪ Kiss the sky ♪

♪ Kiss the sky ♪

♪ Kiss the sky ♪

(yelling) I suppose there's
theory and there's practice.

You know, I've been coming around
to your "fuckless" viewpoint.

Really? I find that surprising
coming from you, Alice.

Mmm.

Well, with some slight
amendments, naturally.

"Naturally." And what are these?

There's nothing worse than being
boyfriendless on New Year's Day.

We're thinking of splitting.

But look what I got!

Come on, Sally, we're going.

But I've already taken mine.

♪ (band plays "Llegó La Banda") ♪

You've got it. That thing we all want.

How do you do that?

Do what, mate?

Just walk up to any woman
and start talking to her.

Do you think it's learned
behaviour or it's genetics?

No, you've just probably got a strong
biological need to procreate, so...

Come on, Neil. You've
just got to believe in yourself.

You know, have a little bit of confidence.

Yeah, well, we can't all, and some
of us don't, and that's all there is to it.

Well, I don't see why you get
yourself so worked up about women.

No, but see, it's all right for you.

I'm 30. I haven't even
lived with a woman.

At least you had Sarah.

SARAH: Get out!
(plate smashing)

You're a lousy fucking bastard!

Get the fuck out of my life!

Yep. I had Sarah. Three years
and nine months of pure bliss.

Hey, Joel, where have you been?

Hey, Joely!
Where's Amy?

I don't know.

(laughs)

JUDY: I won't sleep with married men,
or anyone near a midlife crisis.

And I'm going to form a meaningful relationship
with someone born in the same decade.

ALICE: I'll not - I'll not wallow in
"he did me wrong" self-pity anymore.

I won't.

I won't get annoyed
with my dad's behaviour.

(air leaks from condom)
(laughter)

And I will not sulk about
not having a boyfriend.

JUDY: Um...

I want to concentrate
on my career

and do whatever it takes
to get that fab job in TV.

ALICE: And I'm going to be true to myself.

And I promise.

No more getting into
trouble with --

(splashing)

(spluttering)

(coughs)

(panting)

I forgot.
I can't swim.

(laughter)

CROWD: Six, five, four,
three, two, one -

(fireworks)
(applause)

♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind? ♪

♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and days of auld lang syne? ♪

- Happy new year, Matt.
- That was Amy.

Finally. Where is she?

She said not to expect
her back ever again.

What?

She doesn't love me anymore.

♪ For auld lang syne, my dear ♪

♪ For auld lang syne... ♪

(tuning through radio)

- Good morning.
- Hiyo.

Aren't you supposed
to be working today?

Oh, holy shit! Not again!

ALICE: Morning! Do you
want something to eat?

JUDY No, I don't have any time.

ALICE: Hey, look, Judy.
I saw it here before.

Your dad's touring in April.

Oh, my daddy's coming to town.
I just adore his concerts.

And who knows? I might
even see him after the show.

If he's sober enough.

Oh, come on.
His concerts aren't that bad.

Come on, sit down.
I'll make you some toast.

No. No time.

Come on, you gotta eat something.

I've got interviews today.
I must find work. Must rush.

How do I look?

Very employable.

I don't care.
I'm going to kill her.

She has stolen my work and
she's going to produce crap with it.

Yeah, but you were
happy to sign the contract.

But the bitch lied to me.

I mean it, I'm going to kill her.

She's destroying my work.

I'm an artist, for Christ's sake.

So just tell me how to make it legal.

Make what legal?

Murder.

You know, I mean, if I claim self-defence?
I've read about cases like this.

There's justifiable homicide.
There are many precedents.

Are you nuts, Nick?
Calm down, okay?

I can't calm down.
I'm an artist.

I know, I know.

- I'm an artist.
- And you're a good one.

But I'll see what I can do, okay?

Just don't do
anything stupid, okay?

Sure.

Steven, come in.

Ciao now.

I don't know if
I'm cut out for this.

It's worse than being a
marriage counsellor sometimes.

Come on, you know you're good.

You're extremely good
at what you do, Ewan.

Yeah, thanks, but -

I don't know.
It's getting me down.

Maybe I need a change.

Oh, take a holiday.

No, I took time off for Christmas.

Yeah, but what did you do?

Well, I wasted it, roaming
from one party to the next.

So get out of the city and rejuvenate.

Y'know, you can use our beach
house anytime you like.

It's nice
and isolated.

Yeah, thanks. I just don't
know when I'll get the time.

(flicks lighter)

Neil and Joel seem well.

Yeah, well, I mean,

Neil, he's struggling to
understand his new theory on life

and Joel's perfect marriage to his
childhood sweetheart's just collapsed.

Oh, they seemed so in love.

Oh, it was inevitable.

Why inevitable?

Well, I mean, all
relationships are doomed.

Though you and Amanda,
of course, are the rare exception.

Yeah, fuck.

How is Amanda?

She's fine.
She's good.

So, um, what can I do for you?

Ewan, it's about me and
Amanda. Look, we're doing fine, but...

I'd like a divorce.

(car engine rattles)

♪ (Alex Lloyd's "Peepshow") ♪

♪ My heart is as black as my soul ♪

TV must be the most closed,
nepotistic industry in the world.

It'd be easier getting into the mafia.

I mean, hello, I've got a master's degree.

One flat white, two long
blacks, one short mac.

Oh, remind me, am I paying
you to talk to your friends?

Remind me, why do
you work for her again?

Remind me, why are you
wasting your life in this place?

I like working here.

Yeah, well, it does offer
such great career prospects.

You too could one day become Joan.

JOAN: You should've asked
for a double in the first place.

I don't know why you don't
go back and finish your degree.

Look, Alice, have you thought
of seeing someone about this?

My therapist is good.

She could do with a few new
clients now I've finally stopped.

I couldn't think of anything worse.
The whole idea of it gives me the creeps.

It's totally 80s angst.
I'd rather drop Prozac.

Most people seem to agree with you these days.
(phone ringing)

Hey, Judy, it's me. I just
met Amanda Shoemaker.

You met who?

You know, from Air FM.

What, is she a
radio personality?

Yeah, she's the sex lady.

I've never heard of her.

Anyway, she's looking for an assistant.

Sally, I'm not interested in radio.

Oh, Judy.

Alright.

Give me her phone number.

It's 9212 2122.

Thanks.
See ya.

(hangs up)

I wish Sally would
stop being so helpful.

Radio could be interesting.

I'd rather kill myself.

Amy came by with a
removal van yesterday and

took everything except
the bloody mortgage.

(spits watermelon seeds)
There must be a reason.

You must have done something.

One minute we're
picking baby names,

and the next, we're dividing
the CDs. Go figure that one.

No, she didn't like the Saab though, did she?
(plane flying overhead)

See, I knew you should have
consulted her before you bought it.

Because marriage is a two-way street.

Come on, Neil.
The question shouldn't be why

they split up but why
they stayed together so long.

Nup. It's the Saab, I tell you.
You should sell it.

Come on, marriage is just
a flawed ideal to begin with.

Yes. Relationships
just aren't worth the grief.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, Amy's done us both a favour.
It's good to be free.

Lack of freedom.
That's what dooms all marriages.

Uh-huh.

What's the point? You're lumbered with this
impossibly outmoded legal document, right?

Binds you to the other person to the
exclusion of all others.

Yeah? It's plain stupid.

Yeah.

What are you guys talking about?
Marriage is a great institution.

Din't you talk about marrying, um, Sarah?

A man is defined by his actions,
not by what he tells his ex-girlfriend.

You know, I really am much
better off going it alone.

Nup, it's brutal out
there alone, man.

Once you've been out there, you'll see.
You should fight for her.

I wouldn't want to do that, Neil.

I don't want to be tethered anymore.
You know?

I feel liberated.

Maybe she went off the pill.

No, because I read in Cos -

in, um, New Scientist -
(plane flies overhead)

a lot of couples break up after
the woman goes off the pill.

(spits out seeds)

And why is that, Neil?

Because it changes their sense of smell.

Suddenly, your smell turns her
right off, right? Revolts her, even.

First she's buying you aftershave
then, bam, boom,

she's just, you know, she's
out of there, packed her bags.

Well, yeah, she did get me
some aftershave for Christmas.

Mmm! Bingo! See?

Neil, why are you reading Cosmo?

Just...

part of my ongoing research, y'know?

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for
a book for my friend.

She's going through
a difficult separation.

Well, what about this?

We sell a lot of these.

No, I'm looking for something more like
"How to Have a Great Divorce".

So just allowing your awareness to turn
inward into your body.

Thinking about your
whole body relaxing.

Thinking about the
facial muscles relaxing.

(phone rings)

Oh, sorry. I've got to get this.
It's really important.

Hi, Judy Robinson speaking.

(women sigh in frustration)

Hi, Amanda.

Right.

(whispering) I got the job.

- I'm gonna be her assistant.
- That's fantastic!

It's a great way to learn about all

the different aspects
of producing a show.

There's heaps of room to move.

I'm really glad I decided not
to limit myself to television.

And she said I'm gonna get a car space.

(elevator dings)

(panting)

(phone rings)

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hey, it's Ewan.
I'm unable to take your call at the moment,

but if you'd like to leave your name and number,
I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

(beep)

JOEL: Ewan, pick up.

(moaning)

Please pick up the phone.

Freakin' hell, I can't cope.
I'm thinking of killing myself.

- Ewan, please pick up.
- (moaning intensifies)

Oh, man. Pick up the phone, please.

I'm going crazy.

My mind's just freaky, Ewan.

Please pick up the phone, Ewan.

Joel, this is a little awkward.

I need you to be here, man.

I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

You know, I've got some
crazy ideas, you know?

Yeah, okay. I'll be there.
Just remain calm.

I've got to go.

I'm sorry about this, but my
friend is having a hard time.

Love stuff.

What did you do with the condom?

(sighs) Shit.

DUSTY SPRINGFIELD: ♪ The look ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ Is in ♪

(door slides open)

♪ Your eyes ♪

♪ The look ♪

(wind through trees)

♪ Your heart ♪

- ♪ Can't disguise ♪
- Joel?

♪ The look ♪

♪ Of love ♪

Joel?

♪ Is saying so much more
than just words could ever say ♪

♪ And what my heart has heard,
well, it takes my breath away ♪

♪ I can hardly wait to hold you ♪

♪ Feel my arms around you ♪

- ♪ How long I have waited ♪
- Joel?

♪ Waited just to love you ♪

♪ Now that I have found you ♪

♪ And you've got the look ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ It's on ♪

♪ Your face ♪

- ♪ The look ♪
- (sliding door opens)

♪ That time ♪

♪ Can't erase ♪

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

♪ Be mine ♪

How could she do this to me?

You know, I'm left alone here in this
glass menagerie and she doesn't care.

Come on, Joel, let's go out.

She's got somebody else.
I know it.

And when I confronted her
about it, she got very defensive

and kept repeating, "It had
nothing to do with anybody else."

That's a dead giveaway.
They always say that when it does.

Does it matter?

Of course it matters.

My wife's probably out there
shagging herself senseless.

I wish I could be more
like you and be unfeeling.

God.

I'm in so much pain.
I just wish I was dead right now.

Well, you're not dead.

That can be easily fixed.

Joel?

♪ ("The Look of Love" continues) ♪

Joel?

(lock clicks)

(drawers rattling)

JOEL: I'm so unhappy I cry
in my sleep, for fuck's sake.

EWAN: Joel, unlock the door.

JOEL: Doesn't she realise what
she's putting me through?

I'll show her. She won't have
to bother with a divorce.

EWAN: What are you doing in there?

JOEL: I'm killing myself!

EWAN: Look, open up!

Look, don't be crazy!

(knocks down door)

(spluttering and choking)

♪ ("The Look of Love" continues) ♪

(sobbing)

(choking)

You're crazier than I fucking thought.

Jesus, you spooked
me in there, man.

Everything seems unreal, you know?

Like I'm an episode of
The Twilight Zone.

Here, drink this.
It'll make you feel better.

Thanks for coming over.

Hey, we're friends, man.

I'm so sorry, Ewan.

Do you remember the astronauts?

What astronauts?

Well, it's a Twilight Zone episode.

No, no, what about them?

Nothing special.
It's a favourite of mine.

What happens is that there's
these five or so astronauts, right,

and they crash land
on this strange planet.

And their spaceship is smashed.

They've got limited food and water.

I mean, well, they're well
and truly fucked, right?

And they start to argue about what to do.

And one of them has the shits and
he leaves on his own without supplies.

The others continue to
fight over this and that.

And the next day, the guy who'd
gone off returns and he's dying.

He can't speak.

And just before he dies, he
draws a pattern in the sand like this.

Yeah?

They start freaking out.
They get totally paranoid,

and start killing each
other, one by one,

until there's only one left.

And this one guy, he just wanders
around and he comes to a ridge.

And he looks out and
he sees these poles.

They're joined by lines.

Yeah? It's what the other guy
had been drawing in the sand.

They're bloody phone poles.

They hadn't crashed landed on some
strange planet, but on Earth.

If only they hadn't had panicked.

AMANDA: Now, telling
the details of your infidelity

to your husband is
only going to hurt him.

Why not keep it a secret and
continue to use the lessons

learned in your lesbian
relationship to enrich your sex life?

CALLER: Okay. Okay.
Thanks for your advice.

I'll think about it. (hangs up)

Well, that's all from me.

I'll be back tomorrow with
Dr. Evan to talk about Viagra.

Hello.

- Hi, can I help?
- RADIO: 102.6, Air FM.

- No, no, I'm here for Amanda.
- Sydney's best music mix and chat.

Steven.
She's expecting me.

Oh, um, I'm Amanda's assistant.

I don't recall your name.

You just started, have you?

Oh, do you work at the station?

♪ (Crowded House's
"Message to My Girl") ♪

♪ I don't want to say I love you ♪

No, I can... if you just tell me...

What are you doing here, Steven?

Well, I went over to the
house and I couldn't get in.

Well, what did you expect?
I changed the locks.

I just wanted to get a few things.

Who's that?

Steven Schumacher, Amanda's
husband and a top top TV exec.

♪ Even though I want you so much ♪

(dripping water)

Hi, I'm Neil.

(zips up shirt)

Hi, I'm - I'm Neil.

(zips down shirt)

Hey. I'm Neil.

(nose trimmer buzzing)

NEIL: I'm fully prepared.

- EWAN: It's not a military operation, Neil.
- ♪ (Tameka Starr's "Going in Circles) ♪

NEIL: No, but, uh,
preparation's everything.

♪ Baby ♪

JOEL: Come on, Neil.

We're just cute and friendly law
students out for a good time, yeah?

NEIL: Yeah.

(glasses clink)

♪ Baby ♪

If they think I'm in any way
desperate, I'm fucked, yeah?

It's a psychological minefield
we're dealing with here.

I mean, it's a generation that's answered
every question in every women's magazine

known to man before
they've turned 16.

Just relax.
You know, be cool.

No, I'm cool. I'm cool.

Say, you can't be too cool, because
they've got built-in bullshit detectors.

What are you on about, Neil?

It's razor's edge, man.
It's fuckin' razor's edge.

Yeah, I've been working on my strengths.

Strengths?

- Yeah, I think my best way in is to be funny.
- ♪ Looking for a sign when you came walkin' ♪

- Right.
- ♪ Looking for a sign when you came walkin' ♪

- Oh, funny guys get laid, yeah?
- ♪ I fell head over heels ♪

- You may have a point there.
- ♪ In love ♪

- You know, I tend to freeze up and go Dumb and Dumber.
- ♪ Baby, and after a while ♪

- I can't think of what to say.
- ♪ Baby, and after a while ♪

- Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't plank myself.
- ♪ We started talkin' ♪

Yeah, yeah.
But this time I got it sorted.

- This is gonna help me break the ice.
- ♪ You said I was all that you were dreamin' of ♪

What's that?

- It's a really funny legal story that my dad faxed me.
- ♪ I'm not the one for you ♪

- What are you gonna do with it? - I'm just gonna, um,
- ♪ And you're not the one for me ♪

put it to memory.

- What now? - Yeah, listen.
- ♪ Why can't you see we're just going 'round in circles? ♪

- All I need you guys to do is just give me an in.
- ♪ I'm not the one for you ♪

- Yeah? - Then what?
- ♪ And you're not the one for me ♪

♪ Going in circles ♪

(closes door)

♪ Going in circles ♪

♪ Going in circles ♪

♪ Going, baby, going in circles ♪

- (light buzzes)
- ♪ Going in circles ♪

♪ Going in circles ♪

♪ Going in circles ♪

♪ Going, baby, going in circles ♪

Excuse me, does anyone have a light?

SEVERAL MEN: Yeah.

♪ Hold your head up high ♪

♪ Hold your head up high ♪

♪ Hold your head up high ♪

♪ Show some pride ♪

♪ Hold your head up high ♪

Oh, here he is.
Neil, this is Laura.

- Verna. - I'm Laura.
- And Poppy. Pleased to meet you.

Neil, we were just discussing
strange and bizarre law cases,

and I was telling these guys you know the
funniest shit-hot legal story in history.

Come on, Neil, tell us.

♪ You out of work, you got no home ♪

♪ Sleeping in the cold and rain ♪

- Oh, gosh. - What happened to him?
- ♪ You got to find the light inside you ♪

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Um, can I speak to you?
- ♪ Because it's showing you the way too ♪

I'm sorry I have to talk to you here.
I just didn't know where else to find you.

- I'm pregnant.
- ♪ It will show you what to do ♪

- Are you okay?
- ♪ Hold your head up high ♪

♪ Hold your head up high ♪

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, yeah.
- ♪ Hold your head up high ♪

- So, um, what are you planning on doing?
- ♪ Show some pride, hold your head up high ♪

♪ Hold your head up high ♪

- I don't know.
- ♪ Hold your head up high ♪

♪ Show some pride ♪

I mean, I'm Catholic, you know.

♪ Thinkin' where to go from here ♪

This is too much for me.

- I'm going to go and see my mum.
- ♪ Don't you let the system get you down ♪

Is there somewhere I can find you?

- Yeah, sure.
- ♪ Or keep you trapped in here ♪

♪ When you've done all you could
and it still just ain't no good ♪

♪ Hold your head right up and say ♪

♪ I know there's a brighter -- ♪

♪ (Morcheeba's "Tape Loop") ♪

♪ Tape loop ♪

♪ Keeps on turnin' round ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Patience, love is coming 'round ♪

♪ For your pleasure ♪

♪ Wait now, no use tryin' to push ♪

♪ There's no need ♪

♪ People go against the grain ♪

♪ With their greed ♪

(cars collide)

What the hell do you think you were doing?
I was stopped at a red light here.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I thought
the lights had changed.

Well, no, they hadn't.

It was completely my fault.
I'll pay for everything.

I don't have any insurance, but
I'll find the money somewhere.

Oh, my God, Steven. Hi!

Do I know you?

I'm Amanda's assistant.

Ah, I remember.

She didn't pay you
to do this, did she?

(laughs)

Um, we should exchange details.
That's what we're supposed to do.

Oh, look, it doesn't look like very much.
I wouldn't worry about it.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Oh, well, um, if I can't pay for the
damage, could I at least take you to lunch?

NEIL: Well, women know subconsciously
when they're ovulating,

so, you know, they go out looking
for men to inseminate them.

JOEL: Neil, I wish I'd never
given you that copy of Sperm Wars.

NEIL: No, it's a proven fact.
I mean, you're just a victim

of this woman's overpowering
biological need to reproduce.

Neil, it's not possible to explain all
human behavior through biology.

Yes, it is. Why not?

Okay, okay, okay.

Why do we have sex in private, huh?
No other animal does that.

Human beings are a mystery.
Our behavioural patterns don't make any sense.

Yeah, it's true.
I mean, look at me.

I'm the one who ends up with a child.

I don't see why that automatically
become your responsibility.

Yeah, you're right. If anyone should
feel responsible, it should be you.

Me? (laughs) I don't
even know the girl.

Oh.

Cheer up. You're a casualty
of your own desirability.

I'd do anything to have your problems.

Well, in that case, why don't
you pay the maintenance?

You know, science has a lot to offer us
towards the understanding of human behavior.

You know, in the future,
you know, we'll be using

scientific methods to
find our perfect partners.

We won't be casualties of fate.

What do you mean "in the future", Neil?
We have dating agencies now.

It's where losers go.

That's not true. A lot of very busy
professional people use them.

You know, isn't that right --

(ice cubes clinking)

♪ (Alex Lloyd's "Aliens") ♪

(coins clatter)

(plays answering machine messages)

NEIL: (on machine) Ewan?
What happened, mate?

Why'd you go off?

Mate, I hope it wasn't
anything I said. I'm real sorry.

Anyway, give me a
call when you get home.

Bye.

(beep)

BRIDGET: Hi, Ewan, it's Bridget here.

I'm sorry it's taken me
so long to get back to you.

It's just been pretty
stressful, you know?

I had to know that I was
making the right decision.

And I've decided not
to go through with it.

(laughs nervously)

Um,

I'm sure that's a huge relief to you.

No pitter-patter of tiny feet.

Anyway, um,

goodbye and good luck.

I hope you find whatever
it is you're looking for.

(beep)

(end of tape)

- LAWYER: Your client drove into the side
- ♪ In the distance there's talk now ♪

- of my client's car at over 100 miles per hour.
- ♪ In the distance there's talk now ♪

- It was just an accident.
- ♪ Everyone wants to go home ♪

- My client was in her driveway.
- ♪ Everyone wants to go home ♪

Oh, this is ridiculous.
I don't bloody believe this.

You know, it was an accident.
Why would I want to hurt you?

- I'm a pacifist, for Christ's sake.
- ♪ I hope you know you're not leaving ♪

- And I have nothing but respect for that woman.
- ♪ I hope you know you're not leaving ♪

- I mean, didn't I trust her with my film script,
- ♪ For the night has just begun ♪

- which it took me 10 years to write?
- ♪ For the night has just begun ♪

(arguing)
(desk phone ringing)

A talking dog!
That's not what it's about!

- (desk phone ringing)
- ♪ No more tears and no more pain ♪

(phone breaks)

♪ Only things to keep you sane ♪

♪ Only fun ♪

♪ And if allowed to stay a day ♪

♪ Words are left to throw away ♪

- What's wrong?
- Oh, nothing.

- Must have drunk too much, that's all.
- ♪ Only fun ♪

(exhales)

(distant police sirens)

STEVEN: It's a sweeping epic.
It's an intellectual love story.

It's about an older man
who sacrifices his family

and his loving wife to
a much greater cause.

He travels to the Antarctic where he falls
in love with his Asian assistant and she

shares with him the wisdom of the East.

It's a story about the human spirit and soul.

Wow, sounds great.

Except it's on the scale of Dr. Zhivago.

I'm thinking of calling it Exploration.
What do you think?

That's fantastic.
It's very evocative.

Yeah, that's what I think.
But some people don't like it.

No, no, no, no.
It's great.

I mean, getting the finance
for this has been impossible.

I mean, everyone
loves the script, but they

keep saying it's just
too intellectual for TV.

Oh, that's a bit
condescending, isn't it?

It drives me insane.

And this idea that you have to

cater to the lowest common
denominator, you know?

And then they wonder why
people accuse TV of being junk.

Mmm. You know, I'd - I'd do
anything to work in TV, though.

(laughs)

Well, you seem very determined.

Mmm. Yeah.

I actually have a confession to make.

I think - you're such a nice person,
I think it's best if I tell the truth.

This is really embarrassing.

Um, I...

I ran into your car on purpose
to, um, to get to meet you.

Really?

I'm very impressed.

(laughing) You are?
You don't hate me?

No, no, I think it shows a
lot of guts and enthusiasm.

I think TV is definitely for you.

(laughing) Really?

Yeah. I'd hire you in a flash.

You're young, smart,
attractive, determined.

Unfortunately, I don't have
anything at the moment,

but maybe
in a couple of months.

♪ (Stella One Eleven's "Hard") ♪

♪ She says, ♪

♪ Can I talk to you about this? ♪

♪ I always thought that I was right ♪

♪ And I see it from both sides ♪

♪ A little water's all I need
so I can say what I think ♪

♪ Well, here I go again ♪

♪ I'm listening as you speak ♪

♪ You'll never know what it's
like to be in my dress, darlin' ♪

- ♪ You always have the answer right ♪
- Hi, Dad.

♪ When I confess ♪

♪ I can remember the way it was ♪

♪ A little time is all I need ♪

♪ A little time is all I need ♪

Are you okay?

Me, I'm fine.
I just hate my dad.

You don't mean that.

The guy is a drunken loser,
and I'm the one who's paying for it.

All right.

Weren't they a present?

No. He just paid for
them. That's not a present.

Why am I so completely fucked up!?

You're not completely
fucked up, Judy.

I spent 13 years in therapy.
That is over half my life.

You've just got a few parental issues.

Right.

Hasn't the therapy been helpful at all?

Oh, why couldn't I have
had a nice suburban family?

Because then you'd be me, not you.

I, um, bought you some happy food.

(laughs)

(kiss)

Thanks. (laughs)

(thunder)

(wind)

(thunder)

(heavy rain)

(light buzzing)

We're going to put you
through a series of tests.

We'll also need blood
samples and urine samples.

These tests will establish without a
doubt who your perfect partner will be.

- Will it take long?
- No, no, it'll be very quick, very painless.

Are you now or ever have been
involved in espionage or sabotage?

No.

(treadmill beeping)

(clock ticking)

Australia.

Family.

Vagina.

JUDY: What's she doing?

ALICE: She's taken up boxing.

JUDY: Have you smelled
her room lately? (laughs)

ALICE: She's rather into
those exotic-smelling incenses.

- JUDY: Exotic!?
- ALICE: (whispering) She's coming. (laughs)

I know, I know, but heck,
it's all an experience.

Hang on a minute. Aren't they supposed to
give you one of those leather helmet things?

It was the punching bag.

♪ (Dr. Rhythm's "Never Take You Back") ♪

♪ I'll never feel the same ♪

Hello. Perfect timing.

Something smells good.

JUDY: (as Romeo) Give me the torch.
I am not for this ambling.

Being but heavy,
(laughs) I will bear the light.

ALICE: (as Mercutio) Nay, gentle Romeo.
We must have you dance.

You are a lover. Borrow
Cupid’s wings and soar with them

above a common bound.

JUDY: (as Romeo) I am too
sore enpiercèd with his shaft,

too sore with his light feathers,

and so bound, I cannot bound
a pitch above dull woe.

ALICE: (as Mercutio) And to
sink in it, should you burthen love -

too great oppression
for a tender thing.

JUDY: (as Romeo)
Is love a tender thing?

It is too rough, too rude,
too boisterous,

and it pricks like a thorn.

ALICE: (as Mercutio) If love be
rough with you, be rough with love.

Prick love for pricking
and you beat love down.

- JUDY: This is your line.
- SALLY: Is that where I'd forget it?

JUDY: (laughing) Yeah.

SALLY: (as Benvolio)
Come! Knock and enter!

And no sooner in but every
man betake him to his feet!

JUDY: (as Romeo) Give me the torch.
Let wantons light of heart

tickle the senseless
rushes with their heels.

(clapping)

JUDY: That was our one big shot at stardom.

But alas, it was not to be.

SALLY: It was a huge scandal.

JUDY: St. Mary's was
rocked to its foundations.

SALLY: It was in the
papers and everything.

STEVEN: What happened?

JUDY: A week before our first
performance, it was exposed that -

SALLY: Our drama teacher...

JUDY: Yeah, Mr. "Butt Heavy" Thackeary
was screwing one of the students.

SALLY: It was a true Shakespearean tragedy.

JUDY: You know, the show was cancelled.

SALLY: Yeah, we all cried for a week.

JUDY: Cried? Wailed like banshees.

ALICE: Yeah, but, you know,
eight years on, and we're

still friends, so it wasn't a total loss.

JUDY: Yes, we may not be stars,
but our friendship was forged.

Thanks, it was great. Everything.

You and your friends, delicious cooking.

I had the best night.

(kiss)

I like you, Judy.

See ya.

Thanks for coming.

He's nice.

Yeah.

Um, I was going to make some hot
milk or something. Do you want some?

Oh, I'm going to crash.

Sweet dreams.

I wanted to talk to you about the play.

Oh, God.

Sorry.

Don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm such a klutz today.

Have you met someone?

What? No. Why?

You're acting like someone
who's falling in love.

Me? No. I'm just vague today.

Maybe I'm ovulating.

What I mean is, you know,
love's not really my style.

I'm a career girl, you know.
I don't need a man slowing me down.

Exactly.

A woman can only rely on herself.

Men are narcissistic pigs.

Take my husband.

He's left me with two kids, saying
he wanted to focus on his career,

but some of my friends have already seen
him out with some young bimbo.

Silly girl.

I hope she realises she's
just a symbol of his lost youth.

Fuckwit.

Well, maybe they're just friends.

Men can never be friends with women.

(bones crunching)

(fork twirling)

We'll date for a period
of three weeks,

and if things go well,
I expect a formal proposal.

Oh.

A single diamond engagement ring will do.

After that, we can be
married in December.

You see, I want to conceive
by the end of January.

We'll buy a house near a good school
so our children won't have to travel far.

Everything else, I know from the agency.

♪ (piano music) ♪

(male crowd noise)

NEIL: We're very compatible. 98.5%.

JOEL: Great. So when are
you going out on your next date?

NEIL: We're getting married in December.

What?

You're pulling our leg, come on.
Didn't you just meet her yesterday?

No, but the dating agency
uses strict scientific methods.

Can't be wrong. Why wait?

You are crazy.

No, I'm not crazy.
I'm just lonely, that's all.

You can't rush these things, you know?

You're a young man.
There's plenty of time for you.

- Yeah, I'm middle-aged.
- You're 30.

Yeah, well, I'm telling you,
people die young in my family.

No, he's right.
Life's too short.

Doc, can you handle the Stevens case?

Yeah. Why?

Because I'm qutting
the partnership.

What are you on about?

Law bores me.
I've got to move on.

Ewan, come on.

No, I'm serious, Joel.

Just got to do something
that interests me.

Oh, so what are you going to do?

I've got a few ideas.

TV: Shelter is vital.

With no other means of
temperature control, the -

(changes channel)

Work your senses overtime.

-- make you happy.

-- and don't you agree?

(phone rings)

A male dragon lets rivals
know that this is his patch.

Yeah?
What do you want?

JOEL: Ewan, come on.
Let us up, please.

Why don't you return our
calls, mate? It's been two weeks.

TV: When a female appears,
the male tries to impress her.

- JOEL: What's going on?
- EWAN: Nothing, mate.

TV: Again, that inquisitive tail scratching.

JOEL: How long has it been since you went out, huh?

TV: This time, she remains still -

a sign that she's ready for him to mount.

Remarkably, the fertilized egg doesn't
grow to full-term immediately,

but stops at the hundred-cell stage.

It won't resume growing until
the present young's about

- NEIL: Maybe you should get cable.
- TV: to leave the pouch.

Ewan, I'm not going to let
you sink into self-pity, you know.

Come on. I know
something that'll fix you up.

Well, that helped me
get myself out of my head.

Do you wanna get a drink?

No, I think I'll just walk home
and think on the way.

♪ (faint muzak) ♪

P/A: Dairy, phone call,
Line 1. Dairy, Line 1.

(trolley collides)

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's alright.

(checkout beeping)

God, I'm turning into Neil.

♪ C'est pas la merde à moi ♪
(No bullshit)

♪ Je suis à toi ♪
(I am yours)

♪ (Josh Abrahams & Amiel
Daemion's "Je Suis à Toi") ♪

♪ Je suis à toi ♪
(I am yours)

♪ Je suis à toi ♪
(I am yours)

♪ C'est pas la merde à moi ♪
(No bullshit)

♪ Je suis à toi ♪
(I am yours)

♪ Je suis à toi ♪
(I am yours)

♪ Je suis à toi ♪
(I am yours)

Hey, we're planning this huge party.
You guys should come.

- Totally. - I'm there.
- Just love a party.

- My whole life's a party.
- We are?

Yeah, we are.

Yeah, I just thought of it then.
Don't you think it's a great idea?

- When?
- Soon, soon!

- Let's get it on!
- Yeah, let's get it on!

(laughs)

The four of us should
split and go do something.

Oh, I've got this great bed.

Sorry.

(music fades)

(moaning)

(door creaks open)

Alice?

I can't sleep.

Join the club.

Do you mind if I keep you company?

No, not at all.

I'm thinking of redecorating my room.

Doing the Japanese thing.

Oh, yeah.

I could help you
redecorate yours if you like.

Oh, I think I like it as it is.

What am I doing with myself, Alice?

I'm not sure.

I feel so stupid.

Well, you're not stupid.

Stupid's giving up architecture
because of some guy.

I just want someone to love me.

I love you.

And you're missing one vital thing.

(laughs)

Then again, (yawns)

maybe I place too
much importance on dick.

Well, I've always been
too straight for you anyway.

Why don't you go back to uni
and finish your degree, Alice?

ALICE: Sally and I had
a great time last night.

What?

Yeah, you missed out.

On what?

On our night out. It was great.

Oh, I'm glad.

So what happened to you?
You didn't turn up.

No, I didn't feel like it.

You didn't come home.

Yeah? What's the matter?

Nothing.

Well, why are you picking on me, then?

- I'm not picking on you.
- Yes, you are.

Well, I don't know. Do you think sleeping
with some TV exec's the best career move?

That's cruel.

I'm worried about you, Judy.

You're not worried about me.
You're just jealous.

- I'm not jealous.
- Bullshit.

I just think it's low to sleep
with someone's husband.

- They're separated.
- But that's what they always tell you.

Oh, it's the Virgin Mary reincarnated.

Well, you've got to have morals.

- Who are you kidding?
- What do you mean?

I don't buy your goody-goody
two-shoes act, you know.

I just think you act nice to
make everyone else feel bad.

That's not true.

You're spiteful.

Well, that makes no sense.
I care for people.

All you care about is
being the frigid martyr.

You cunt.

Hey. What do you think?

It's the new me.
It only took me three hours.

♪ (Faithless' "Hour of Need") ♪

♪ You know that I'm foolish ♪

♪ Playing king for a day ♪

♪ I hang with my people ♪

♪ Whenever I can ♪

♪ You say that I'm scruffy,
misguided and blue ♪

♪ Like a fly on a string ♪

♪ There's a web that surrounds you ♪

♪ But I will find a way in ♪

♪ Yeah, in your hour of need ♪

♪ I'll be there ♪

♪ Yes, I will ♪

♪ Yeah, in your hour of need ♪

♪ I'll be there ♪

♪ Yes, I will ♪

♪ Yes, I will ♪

♪ You lay a place at your table ♪

- ♪ Let me sleep in your bed ♪
- ALICE: See ya.

♪ Yeah, you hurt and confused me ♪

Hi, Alice.

Love me to the moon and back?

Alice, I'm going to New York.

Why are you going to New York, Bob?

I'm in love.

I'm in love too, Bob.
I just love you so much.

So, why are you going to New York?

I love someone in New York.

You do?

With all my heart.

When did this happen?

I met her last week.
She's an exchange student.

But we've been going
out for three years, Bob.

Alice, I don't love you.
In fact, I never loved you.

Oh. I see.

I just wanted to be up front.
I know how important honesty is to you.

Please, don't make a scene.

No, I'm not going to
make a scene, Bob.

I'm just...

confused.

It'll all make sense one day.

Bye.

ALICE: (v/o) A few
weeks after that, I dropped

out of college and
I lost faith in everything.

That was two years ago, and I haven't been
able to relate to any boy since.

I can't trust people.

Also, boys just want to have sex with you.

No one ever wants to ask
you out on a date anymore.

(sighs)

Do you think I'm being silly?

No, not at all.

It's understandable,
with what you've been through

Oh, and another thing.
I can't sleep.

I think I'm an insomniac.

It's all interrelated.

So you think there's hope for me?

(flicks lighter)

(plane flying overhead)

♪ Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn's
"Sweet Pain (Joi Remix)" ♪

- She's my whole world, man.
- ♪ نی سیو اساں نین دے آکھے لگے ♪
(The eyes of my soul have become attached)

- She's my everything.
- ♪ نی سیو اساں نین دے آکھے لگے ♪
(The eyes of my soul have become attached)

- I love her so much.
- ♪ نی سیو اساں نین دے آکھے لگے ♪
(The eyes of my soul have become attached)

- We're perfect for each other.
- ♪ نی سیو اساں نین دے آکھے لگے ♪
(The eyes of my soul have become attached)

We complement each other
like Romeo and Juliet.

I am what I am 'cause she loves me.

Now why'd she have to
fucking leave me, man?

Why do I always end up with losers?

I'm a loser magnet.
That's why.

Sometimes they look like real people.

- But they're not real people.
- ♪ نی سیو اساں نین دے آکھے لگے ♪
(The eyes of my soul have become attached)

- They're just losers with disguises on.
- ♪ نی سیو اساں نین دے آکھے لگے ♪
(The eyes of my soul have become attached)

- ♪ نی سیو اساں نین دے آکھے لگے ♪
(The eyes of my soul have become attached)

Okay, just pull up on
the side here, thanks.

No, don't turn the meter off.
Just leave it on.

We'll just sit.

Do you see that light up there in the
window on the second floor?

Yeah.

Do you see the man in the window?

Yeah.

It's my husband.

It's not my apartment.

My best friend lives there.

I'm going to kill her.

Then I'm going to kill him.

What do you think of that?

Huh?

What do you think of that?

I'm going to kill both of them.

Then I'm going to kill myself.

What are you trying to say?

You went up there.

You saw something up there?

(laughter)

Telephone poles. You were
trying to draw telephone poles!

We never left the Earth.

We just - we just
crashed back into it. (laughs)

♪ You know that I'm foolish ♪

♪ Playing king for a day ♪

- STEVEN: Look, I'll get Joel onto it first thing if you
♪ I hang with my people ♪

- can fax the deal number to him directly.
- ♪ I hang with my people ♪

♪ Whenever I can ♪

Yeah, me too.
Thanks, mate.

Cheers.

Do you want to have dinner
in the restaurant tonight?

Yep. Great idea.

Could I have a bottle of Cristal
sent up, please? Room 267.

Acelebration is in order.

Is it?

The finance has just come
through for Exploration.

- (laughs)
- Just came through.

Congratulations!
You clever boy.

Congratulations to you. I'm going
to make you one of the producers.

I don't have any experience.

Yeah, and as far as I'm concerned,
that's your greatest asset.

- But...
- Look, just trust me, will you?

If I didn't think you'd handle it,
I wouldn't have offered it to you,

so just say thank you.

Thank you.

I love you, Steven.

(laughing)

What?

Uh, (laughs)...

I wish I hadn't said that now.

I just don't want you to think I've
said it because of the job, you know?

Well, I think I know you better than that.

Hey?

(laughs) Not again.

STEVEN: Oh, I have to ring Amanda.
She wants us to go back into therapy.

- Therapy?
- Well, counselling.

- Well, when did she ask this?
- Oh, a couple of days ago.

I think it'd be a big mistake.

She just asked me.
I haven't decided.

Well, you're divorcing her.
What's the point of therapy.

It's counselling. She feels it'll help us
resolve some outstanding issues.

- I don't believe this.
- It's a difficult situation, Judy.

What about our situation?

And therapy's crap anyway.
Tell her to drop Prozac.

Yeah. Look, I'll ring her today and
tell her I'm not interested, okay?

Okay, well I better rush.
I'm late as it is.

- See you.
- See you.

(faint taxi radio)

Excuse me, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

Say you were seeing a recently separated
but married woman, and she told you --

Well, I wouldn't be going out
with a recently separated woman.

But say you were, hypothetically.

Well, I wouldn't.
Not even hypothetically.

Okay, well, say you'd recently separated
from your wife and she told you -

Well, I'm not married.
I've never been married.

Well, let's pretend you're married.

Why would I want to
pretend I'm married?

Alright, forget it. Forget it.

(sighs)

What if you had a friend who was
seeing a recently separated man

and she told you that he was
going into counselling with his wife?

I mean, can you explain
why someone would be going

into counselling if they
don't want to be with them?

Okay, I'd tell my friend that falling in love
with someone who's married is a dangerous

game and if you play tennis with the devil,
you can't complain if he cheats.

Thanks.
You've been a great help.

Any time.

JUDY: Oh, Amanda, I'm sorry I'm late.

AMANDA: Oh, that's okay.
We've both been working hard lately.

JUDY: Yeah, I could do with getting
away - by the beach and nothing to do.

AMANDA: Well, you're more
than welcome to use my place.

JUDY: Oh, that's nice of you, thank you.

AMANDA: That's fine.
I hardly use it anymore anyway.

- Are you all right?
- Yep.

What's wrong?

You know, nothing.
Nothing. It's... it's stupid.

Yesterday, I was at
the supermarket and

I automatically put Steven's
shaving cream in my trolley.

I didn't even realise
until I got to the checkout.

I still make mental notes of what I'm
going to tell him when I get home.

You'll meet someone new.

- You're a beautiful, talented --
- You know, it wasn't --

it wasn't a perfect relationship,
but I really believed he was

the person I was
going to grow old with.

Mmm.

Well, he's consented to
counselling, so there's hope.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

(sighs)

Fuck!

SALLY: Have a listen to this.

"When we study the heavens and
marvel at its mysteries, its precision,

its aesthetic beauty, we realise that our
transient existence is ordered

and controlled by powerful
and subtle universal forces."

Isn't that beautiful?

Everything seems random and haphazard,
but really, it's all in the stars.

ALICE: Fat lot the stars
have done for me lately.

JOAN: Alice, this is Danny.

Show him the ropes, teach
him not to piss me off too much.

JOEL: I think I'm addicted to dating.

EWAN: Geez, you're in a bad way.

JOEL: No, no, you don't understand.
I don't enjoy myself at all.

I have a really bad time.

What, not even the sex?

Sex? I never get that far.

- Really?
- No, I just... date.

I don't get it.

Well, I just don't think it's
right to have sexual relations

with one person whilst
thinking about somebody else.

I'm sure Amy doesn't mind.

- Oh, you think I'm a prude?
- Mmm. Yeah. (exhales)

- What am I going to do?
- You could try having sex.

Well, you're a shining
example of where that gets you.

It's just, you know, sex
ruins it for me, Ewan. That's all.

I quit taxi driving.
It's getting me down.

I'm glad! I'm glad you
finally came to your senses.

I'm going to write a novel.

We're so snowed under, you know.

The sooner you can get back
to the office, the better, Ewan.

Joel, I'm going to write
a novel about taxi driving.

- A novel?
- Well, it's more of a novella, really, yeah.

But, yeah.

Great.

See, I feel that I've really
found my calling in life, and...

I'm so very happy for you, Ewan.

Yeah, but the thing is,
I'm going to need some

cash to see me over
the next month or two.

Uh-huh.

Can you spare five grand?

- Neil.
- Hello?

Hey. Hey, um,
what are you up to?

You want to come out and party?

No, no, I'm a bit tied
up here at the moment.

Neil, could you please?

Bye.

Hey, Ewan, it's Joel.

(typing intently)

(on machine) What are
you writing, War and Peace?

All good geniuses have got to go
out and have a drink. You'll go nuts.

(drills and construction)

Amy, hold on a minute.

What are you doing?
Spying on me.

I was just passing.
I stopped and I waited for you.

I don't have time for this.

I'm sorry. I, um...

I need some explanation, Amy.
(plane flying overhead)

I'm on my way to the travel agent.
I've only got half an hour for lunch.

- Are you going on holiday?
- Maybe.

- Where are you going?
- What's it to you?

- Bali, okay?
- Bali? Great!

You know, we always
said we should go there.

Maybe now we can sort things out.

You know, it's funny. I was
thinking of going somewhere myself.

Joel, you're deluding yourself.

We're not going anywhere.

Amy, I love you.

And my life makes no sense without you.

My life doesn't make any sense with you.

What am I doing? Jesus, we have
been through this a million times.

Did you stop taking the pill?
I mean, do I smell wrong?

Did you stop taking it to get
back at me for buying the Saab?

Have you been reading Cosmo?

No?

Just listen to me for once.

It's got nothing to do with
the pill or the Saab or anything.

We're just not right for each other.
I don't love you.

Why? I mean,
where did I do wrong?

I need to know. I need answers.

Sometimes there are no answers.

Joel, I'm seeing someone else.

- You are?
- (knock at window)

Oh.

I see. sorry.

Joel --

(car honks horn angrily)

DRIVER: You fuckwit!

♪ (Regurgitator's
! (The Song Formerly Known As)") ♪

♪ I don't go to parties, baby ♪

- ALICE: Hey, Danny said he was coming later.
- ♪ 'Cause people tend to freak me out ♪

- You know, the guy from work.
- ♪ 'Cause people tend to freak me out ♪

JUDY: Oh, really?

- ALICE: Yeah. He's so nice.
- ♪ Watch their lips, you can work it out ♪

- When you talk to him, I dunno, it's just like
♪ I can hear the words ♪

- he really listens. - SALLY: Oh, wow.
- ♪ But I still don't know what it's all about ♪

ALICE: Yeah. He talks
about poetry all day at work.

He's so sweet and sensitive.

- JUDY: Oh. Certainly a rare male specimen.
- ♪ You won't see me down the disco, mama ♪

ALICE: Oh, and it turns out that his mother

- was our art teacher at St. Mary's. You know,
- ♪ The bright lights really hurt my eyes ♪

that encouraged me to
pursue architecture.

- Isn't that amazing? - Wow, pretty cosmic.
- ♪ I'd rather stay and dance with you ♪

♪ To the funky music playing on the stereo ♪

Hey, Alice.

Hi, Danny. These are my
very best friends, Judy and Sally.

- Hi.
- Hiya.

- SALLY: (whispering) He seems very nice.
- ♪ Things don't get no better ♪

♪ Better than you and me ♪

- What are you?
- I'm a serial killer.

They look like everyone else.

♪ Things don't get no better,
better than you and me ♪

I'm glad you came.

So am I.

Great outfit.

Thanks.

I've brought along this.

- It's got some of my favourite poems.
- ♪ I don't go to concerts, baby ♪

- I'd like to read some to you later.
- ♪ The music's always up too loud ♪

- Great.
- ♪ The music's always up too loud ♪

♪ (Dr Rhythm's "Never Take You Back") ♪

♪ I'll never feel the same ♪

♪ I'm lovin' somebody else ♪

♪ I'll never take you back ♪

Hi, Steven.

Hello, my Count.

- (muffled by fangs) Can I speak to you?
- ♪ I'll never take you back ♪

Yeah, sure.

I'm going to move back home.
But it's just a trial,

and I promise you, it's not
going to change anything.

But of course, it changes things.
Are you insane?

Well, we're going to have separate rooms.

Oh, well, that makes all the difference.
I knew this was going to happen.

I'm not going to freak out.
I'm just going to walk away.

Judy, look, please try to understand.
I have to think about the children.

Well, why didn't you
think about this before?

Look, I love you.

I'm sick of love. And I'm
completely, completely over old men.

What do you mean, "old"!?

I'm probably just a symbol of your lost
youth, and I probably have a father complex.

I need therapy.
And we all need therapy.

Look, Steven, go home to your wife.

She loves you. It's over.
Just go home. Please, leave.

What about the miniseries?

Stick Exploration up your arse.

And by the way, it's the fuckin'
worst title I've ever heard. Change it.

(mouthing)

(sighs)

♪ I'll never take you back ♪

(sobbing)

♪ I'll never take you back ♪

♪ I'll never take you back ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ (Future Funk's "Music Takes U High") ♪

Sally, where's Alice?

I don't know.

No, Danny, please.

Come on.
You like me, don't you?

Yes, but I'm just not ready yet.

I only recently broke
up with my boyfriend.

Wasn't that two years ago?

Yeah, but I'm still confused.

Bu, Alice, I adore you.

Can you just read me
another one of these poems?

I love Dylan Thomas.
Please, just read me another one.

- Don't prick-tease me.
- ♪ Music takes me high ♪

What are you doing?
No! No! No!

- No, please! No, don't!
- ♪ Music takes me high ♪

JUDY: Bastard.

Hey! Hey, get off her!

- Get out!
- ♪ Music takes me high ♪

- Sally --
- Take that!

♪ Music takes me high ♪

(sobbing)

♪ Music takes me high ♪

♪ Music takes me high ♪

♪ Music takes me high ♪

(plane flying overhead)

♪ Music takes me high ♪

Have you read my manuscript yet?

No, my life got in the way.

What's that supposed to mean?

Exactly what it means, Ewan.
You know? I've got a life.

You know, I've got a business to run.

House to sell. Assets to
divide. Find a place to live.

You know, I don't have time to read 3,000
pages about a serial-killing taxi driver.

Well, how'd you know
it was the taxi driver?

Ewan, it's bad enough I have
to fund your little projects

without having to give you crits on them,
or deal with your bloody artistic temperament.

What temperament?

Do yourself a favor, Ewan.
Have a look in the mirror sometime.

What's your problem?

My problem?

Okay, I'll tell you what my problem is.

My whole reference point
to the world has collapsed.

Oh, so it's nothing serious, then?

Now, I knew beyond a shadow
of a doubt that I loved Amy.

You know?

You know, so she didn't want
to be married to me anymore.

You know, I can understand that.

Sometimes I don't
like the idea of having

to spend the rest of
my life with me either.

But I knew that I loved her.

And then I was more
myself with her and she

was more herself with
me than with anybody.

So, what are you trying to say?

But it turns out it was all in my mind.
You know?

I created it.

There's no truth.
You know, we're nothing.

Just some alien's weird fantasy.

My work is all there is for me now.

♪ (racist orientalist riff) ♪

♪ (gong) ♪

♪ (David Bowers' "Kung Fu Fighting") ♪

♪ Everybody was kung fu fighting ♪

♪ Those kicks were fast as lightning ♪

♪ In fact, it was a little bit frightening ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ But they fought with expert timing ♪

♪ There was a funky Chinaman ♪

♪ And little Sammy Chung, he said ♪

♪ "Here come the big boss ♪

♪ Let's get it on." ♪

♪ Took the bow and made a stand ♪

♪ Started swinging with the band ♪

♪ A sudden motion made me skip ♪

♪ I started kicking from the hip ♪

♪ Sexy kung fu fighter ♪

♪ Let me take you higher ♪

♪ You're such a sexy kung fu fighter ♪

ALICE: Three more weeks
and another year over.

SALLY: Whatever happened
to October and November?

Those are the months that
always strangely disappear.

- Hey, how'd it go? - What?
- ♪ ("The First Noel" instrumental) ♪

- Uni.
- Oh, they were really nice.

They let me back into third year.
I only have to repeat two subjects.

The bookshop's looking for
part-timers, if you're interested.

Oh, yeah.

Alice, isn't that Bob?

Yeah, so it is.

Hey.

I was thinking I might
redecorate my room this summer.

- Wow, can I help?
- Yeah, absolutely.

- Ace!
- (laughs)

My good news is Amanda's
got this new job in TV

and she wants me to be her producer.

So you see, I'm finally
getting somewhere.

And I'm fully over Steven.

And I know I made
the right decision there.

He's out of my life and I'm happy.

JUDY: (singing to radio)
♪ Sometimes I feel I've got to ♪

♪ Run away, I've got to ♪

♪ Get away from the pain
you drive into the heart of me ♪

♪ The love we share ♪

♪ Seems to go nowhere ♪

♪ And I've lost my light ♪

♪ But I toss and turn,
I can't sleep at night ♪

SOFT CELL: ♪ Once I ran to you ♪

♪ Now I run from you ♪

♪ This tainted
love you've given ♪

♪ I give you all a
boy could give you ♪

♪ Take my tears and
that's not nearly all ♪

(heavy rain)
(women squealing)

I never thought it would come to this.

Yeah, things never turn out
the way you imagine they will.

That's true.

I miss Neil already.

Oh, well, life goes on, huh?

Do you fancy a quick drink?

Oh, yeah, okay, just one.

Hey, I read your new stuff.

Really? I thought I put you off forever.

Nah, it was terrific.
Very surprised.

Well, it's not finished yet.

Yeah, but you're very close to the end.

Well, the ending, yeah -
I'm going to write more of an ending...

that's less of an ending
and more of a beginning.

Yeah, I got you.

Well, you know, it's the beginning
of Neil's ending, really, isn't it?

(laughs)

- Okay!
- Woo-hoo!

Salt water, fresh air!

- We have to stop and get some vodka.
- Oh, good. We've got strawberries.

Yeah! Let's make some daquiris.

♪ (Donna Summer's "I Feel Love") ♪

♪ It's so good, it's so good,
it's so good, it's so good ♪

- KELLY: Beautiful!
- ♪ I ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love,
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ I feel love, I feel love, I feel
love, I feel love, I feel love ♪

♪ I feel love ♪

I'm going for a swim.
Anyone coming?

♪ I feel love ♪

♪ I feel love ♪

♪ I feel love ♪

Sally, don't go out too far.
You don't have your floaties on.

God, last year seems like galaxies away.

This is a million times better.

Just feels - I don't know.

Feels like everything seems to
be falling into place somehow.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

There is one thing, Judy.

And I've wanted to say this for a while.

Mmm.

Look, it's not easy, but I don't know,
we should start the new year anew.

Yeah.

Remember Romeo and Juliet?

Yeah.

And the reason it was cancelled.

It was my fault.

If I hadn't been sleeping
with old "Butt Heavy"...

No, it was my fault.

I went to the headmaster, and I told him.

I told him that you were
sleeping with Thackeray.

I know.

You knew?

Why didn't you say anything?

(seagulls)

(gentle lapping waves)

(dog barking)

Who are you?

Who are you?

We asked first.

We're Steven's friends.

We're Amanda's friends.

(sips tea)

(crickets)

Isn't it great how we
all ended up here?

It's just like a Cary Grant movie.

Oh.

Great.

Was this in the film, too?

Exactly.

Does anyone know where the fuse box is?

No, no, it's a blackout.

Well, what are we going to do now?

Judy, it's all right.
It happened a long time ago.

We can't all be Florence Nightingale.

Besides, we're friends.
You're my family.

And this stuff just
washes over, you know?

I love you very much.

And I love you too.

This is so cozy.

(floorboards creaking)

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

Maybe it was a possum.

Possums don't carry torches.

Are you guys awake?

- No.
- Yeah.

Do you hear that?
There's someone trying to get in.

(door squeaks open)

(flicking lights on)

Okay, don't move! I've got a
shotgun trained at your head.

If you move, you're a dead man.

(whimpering)

NEIL: Look, I'm really sorry, all right?
I think I got the wrong house.

Please, please don't shoot me.

I've got a Volvo.
You can take it.

- Neil!?
- Joel!

- Ewan, is that you?
- Yeah, Neil, it's us!

Why are the lights out?

We had a power failure.

Hang on.

Neil, you legend. Where'd
you get them all from?

They were my wedding present to Lulu.

I thought to light up our lives,
but she was allergic to them.

The scent of them or something.

(strikes match)

♪ (Sylvester's "Do You Wanna Funk") ♪

♪ Do you wanna funk? ♪

♪ Won't you tell me now ♪

NEIL: Well, I was wrong.

- Science does not hold all the answers.
- ♪ If you wanna funk, let me show you how ♪

- You know, I needed someone.
- ♪ Do you wanna funk with me? ♪

I thought anyone would do.

♪ Do you wanna funk with me? ♪

But after 48 hours with Lulu, I was more
lonely with her than when I was alone.

I think it's important that when you find
someone you connect to, you like them.

You are so right, Neil.

(laughter)

(pops cork)

♪ So if I tell you ♪

♪ That you're really something, baby ♪

♪ Will you stay or will you go away? ♪

- ♪ No more, baby ♪
- (dog barking)

♪ So when I lay my good lovin' on ya ♪

♪ What will it cost me, baby?
What will you make me pay? ♪

♪ Do you wanna funk? ♪

♪ Won't you tell me now? ♪

♪ If you wanna funk,
let me show you how ♪

♪ Do you wanna funk with me? ♪

♪ Do you wanna funk with me? ♪

Yeah, so I'd pretty much
lost faith in everything.

Then one day I saw
Bob at the supermarket.

And I felt nothing.
Nothing at all.

It was like this big
weight had been lifted.

And I felt good again.

Yeah, a similar thing happened to me
when I was watching a religious chat show.

It hit me that my marriage
ending wasn't the end of the world.

I hope you don't think I'm too forward.

But would you like to go out
on a date with me sometime?

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah, it's all very romantic.

The world's such a beautiful place.

Are you being cynical?

No, not at all.

That's good.

Because my new year's
resolution is to be non-cynical.

Is that a word?

(laughs)

Good resolution.

♪ (Mother's Pride's "Learning to Fly") ♪

Sorry, I just wanted to check.

You were serious about the date thing?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, no.
- ♪ Through a dirty window ♪

- I mean, yeah, I meant it.
- ♪ On a crowded street ♪

Okay, then.
That's good.

Yeah.

♪ I searched a million
faces for one to comfort me ♪

♪ Where do I belong? ♪

♪ Where do I fit into this? ♪

- Duh. Rabbit brain.
- ♪ Where do I belong? ♪

(laughs)

- Um, so I guess that's, uh, good night then.
- ♪ There must be more to life than this ♪

(laughs)

Good night.

Good night.

♪ Through a golden sunset ♪

♪ In a valley green ♪

♪ Feel the warmth of my skin ♪

♪ Feel the glow begin ♪

♪ Here where I belong ♪

- Okay.
- ♪ Here where I fit into this ♪

We have to stare into each other's eyes
until one of us laughs.

- Okay, okay.
- ♪ Here where I belong, no more to life than this ♪

♪ Learning to fly ♪

♪ Learning to fly ♪

♪ Learning to fly ♪

♪ Learning to fly ♪

♪ Here where I belong ♪

♪ Here where I belong ♪

♪ Here where I belong ♪

♪ Here where I fit into this ♪

♪ Here where I belong ♪

♪ This is where I fit ♪

(gentle waves lapping)

Good morning.

Hey. The power's back on.

Mmm. You smell nice.

♪ The look ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ Is in ♪

♪ Your eyes ♪

♪ The look ♪

♪ Your heart ♪

♪ Can't disguise ♪

♪ The look ♪

♪ Of love ♪

- Hey, you guys. Cup of tea?
- Yeah. - Yep.

♪ Is saying so much more
than just words could ever say ♪

Look at this!

♪ And what my heart has heard,
well, it takes my breath away ♪

♪ I can hardly wait to hold you,
feel my arms around you ♪

♪ How long I have waited ♪

♪ Waited just to love you ♪

♪ Now that I have found you ♪

♪ You've got the look ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ It's on ♪

♪ Your face ♪

♪ A look ♪

♪ That time ♪

- ♪ Can't erase ♪
- ALL: Happy New Year!

♪ Be mine ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Let this be just the start
of so many nights like this ♪

♪ Let's take a lover's vow
and then seal it with a kiss ♪

♪ I can hardly
wait to hold you ♪

♪ Feel my arms around you ♪

♪ How long I have waited ♪

♪ Waited just to love you ♪

♪ Now that I have found you ♪

♪ Don't ever go ♪

CAPTIONS BY ELECTRA MORDINSON

LONG COVID RUINS LIVES -
IT COULD HAPPEN TO *YOU*

PROTECT YOURSELF &
YOUR COMMUNITY

♪ I can hardly wait to hold you,
feel my arms around you ♪

♪ How long I have waited ♪

♪ Waited just to love you ♪

♪ Now that I have found you ♪

♪ Don't ever go ♪

♪ Don't ever go ♪

♪ I love you so ♪

(plane flies overhead)

(crickets and bird calls)

(ocean waves crashing)

(ocean waves crashing,
crickets and bird calls)