All language subtitles for Nine.Months.1995.720p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AM]

Toast time. All right.

This is, amazingly enough to us, five
incredible,

incredible years.

Samuel? Yeah?

Do you want more?

No, thanks. No, I've had lots.

No, no, not lunch. I mean more for us.

By which you mean the big M, mariage?
Well, yeah. I'm

over 30, and I feel like something's
missing.

Okay.

Well, you know, What? What could
possibly be missing? Let's look at that,

because, you know, we live in a
fantastic apartment.

My practice is really good. It's
thriving, as they say. You know, we get

think, better than most married couples.
Sure.

I'd say life was dangerously close to
perfection, actually.

So, uh, you know, why would you want to
change things?

Why change what's perfect?

Yeah.

Right.

Okay.

Uh, new toast to stability.

Honey!

Oh, God!

Shit, honey, I hit a guy. Come on.

Are you all right? Excuse me, ma 'am. I
know CPR.

Okay.

I was trying to scream. Oh, don't get
up. Don't get up. You may have a

concussion. Sir, I think he's all right.

I've got it under control, madam. Thank
you, though. Is your head hurt?

Yes. Are you nauseated?

Very. Okay, open your eyes. Open your
eyes.

Wide. Wide.

Okay, okay. Your pimples aren't dilated.
All right, you're okay.

I brought you back. Sir. I brought him
back, everybody.

He's okay. All right, you're okay.

All right.

Oh, sorry, buddy. No, careful. No
lawsuit.

Good, no lawsuit.

Yeah,

Marty Dwyer.

Samuel Fulkner. How you doing, buddy?
Good to meet you.

Listen, I'm sorry we were over there
flying a kite and a big wind came along

and, bam, cracked you right on the
noggin. But I guess you know that since

you're... Kids!

Stop that! You're manners!

Oh, no, there's plenty. It's fine. Help
yourself.

This stuff, it tastes like poo.

Oh, bloody hell. Hey, hey, what did I
tell you about spitting in other

food?

No. Oh, please.

Here, eat this. Eat that, honey.

I don't think so.

You're Sean's friend.

The, um, kitty, you know, shrink.

Yes, yes, I'm a psychotherapist. Would
you like some help with your children?

I met you last year at Sean's loft.

I'm his sister, Gail.

Oh, hi.

I'm Rebecca.

Nice to see you again. Look, I'm sorry,
that's beluga. It's $64 an ounce. It's

not dog food.

Oh, sorry. I'll write you a check. No,
it's fine. It's just... Okay.

You see, breeders.

Perfect example of the product of
change.

Still quite painful, actually.

You know, all I'm saying is that there
should just be two areas on the beach,

one for adults and one for children, and
then, you know, everyone's happy.

That any better?

Yeah.

That's much better.

You're too tense.

You need to loosen up.

There is no past.

There's only future.

There's only here.

There's only now.

Oh, your smiling face.

Your gracious presence.

I don't find the strength.

This is the love of one magician.

My dad's an asshole.

Okay.

Good.

Interesting.

Is that something you can maybe
elaborate on a little bit for me,

Okay.

Great.

My dad's a giant asshole.

Yeah.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. Okay, now when
you bring your arms up round like this.

Okay, on a round, round.

Yeah,

like this. Look at that.

And I mean, I'll get him to open up, but
you know, he's got a very severe

problem.

And we know who we can thank for those
problems, don't we? Huh?

You know, his parents.

It's so incredible that the state
requires you to take a written test to

car, but any complete moron can become a
parent and just destroy a child's life.

It's like people have babies on a whim.

I mean, surely to be a parent, you have
to...

Plan ahead a little bit.

State to yourself, do I really want to
become a parent?

Yes. Am I ready for that responsibility?

I'm pregnant.

What?

Pregnant?

Well, I guess you don't want the baby.

Sir, your car will be ready in a minute.

You're lucky the engine's in the back.

Eh, right?

Ready in a minute. Good.

So, um... We are absolutely certain
about this, right? Well, my period's ten

days late.

Right.

And there's no way you could have, um...
Had it and just not noticed.

Sorry, ridiculous.

Stupid.

Could you be a little more positive
about this? More supportive? I'm trying

be positive.

Well, killing us in a head -on collision
is not what I call positive.

Oh, I suppose it must have been shock.

You know, just out of the blue, you say
you're pregnant. I think it was just a

little bit unexpected.

No kidding. Probably the reason for the
crash. You know, I thought you were

using birth control. I what?

Yeah. Right.

Your car is ready now, sir.

Great.

Oh.

You don't believe me.

You think I got pregnant on the sly,
behind your back.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You
think I planned this? Because I'm as

flipped out about this as you are,
Samuel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I

just thought that birth control had a
little teeny element of actual control

about it. I thought it was supposed to
be foolproof.

Well, yeah, nothing is foolproof. It's
only 97 % effective, it says so right

there on the box.

Yeah, right.

97 % effective.

Oh, therefore, 3 % completely bloody
ineffective, huh?

They should put that on the box.

Yeah. There you go. Thanks.

We're off.

Hey, hey.

Sean!

Quit the blind.

No idea.

Oh, my God. Hey!

Jesus.

Hey, how are you?

Hey, this is Bobby.

This is Rebecca and Sam.

Hi. I was getting worried about you
guys. What happened to this car?

Oh, long story.

What do you think?

Welcome to Christine.

A long story.

So this is where you two are going to
stay. Like it? Yeah. Lovely. Great. So

what do you think?

Well, you mean the blonde?

Yeah.

Well, she's attractive. She's really
attractive.

She's 25 years old. Her skin is like a
ribbon candy.

Breasts like a sponge cake.

Her calves are like calzoni. I mean,
highly edible.

Highly edible. She's crazy about sex.

You know, this is somebody to get me
over the rough spots.

Tell me.

What do you mean, what rough spots?

Oh.

Christine left me.

Shit. Yeah.

When?

Oh, a week ago.

What happened?

Well, she wanted a child.

Are you okay?

Yep, yep.

What an idiot.

No, no, leave that.

Got it. Jesus. Okay, here, here. She
was, uh, said she wanted, she, uh,

Christine wanted a baby. Oh, she was,
uh.

Hungry for seed.

So I closed the iron door.

Denied her my essence.

You know, I'm not ready to be
biologically extraneous.

She would have devoured me from the head
down.

You know, chewed up my manhood,
swallowed my youth, and gobbled me up

praying mantis. Not for me.

What do you mean, praying mantis?

You know, a female mantis, after she has
sex with her mate, she eats him.

Oh, yeah.

But Christine, Christine wasn't pregnant
or anything like that.

No, I said, what do you mean, like on
the sly or something?

On the sly or just, you know, in the run
of things.

No.

I mean, Christine has her faults, but I
don't

know who would do that. That's a knife
in the back.

Yeah. You know, that's certain. No, of
course not. That's some voodoo woman who

stays up at night and puts pins in her
diaphragm.

Spooky, Sam.

Jesus. That's a she -snake. That's like
the most hateful, cruel, sneaky,

horrible thing you can do.

Who would do that?

They eat him. Honey, what, honey?

Honey, what? Who eats fathers?

No. What?

Sorry, honey. Sorry.

Just a bad dream. Silly, silly dream.

Okay, you worry too much. Just relax.

Lie down, okay?

Lie down.

It's okay, baby.

Whatever happens, we can work it out.

I know.

I love you.

I've loved you since the first moment I
saw you.

You're the only one I want to be the
father of my children.

Whether it's now or later.

Oh, God.

I love it when you do that. Do what?

That thing you're doing with my knee.

That is so good.

Oh, Samuel.

Stop it. I love it. Go on.

Samuel.

Yeah.

I'm not doing anything with your knee.

Get away from him now. Go, go, go.

I'm sorry, folks. She's going through a
hiding phase, and it's something kids do

for attention.

Hey, honey. Hey, honey. Honey, off the
bed. Off the bed. You're going to get it

dirty. You've got to leave what's on
there.

Hey,

honey, it's the people from the beach.

Oh, that's great.

Don't worry. Don't worry. We didn't
bring a kite this time.

But how about another one of them
kisses?

Oh, no.

What's going on?

Yeah, we found her.

We've been looking for her for an hour.
Yeah, yeah, here, honey, read that book.

Go call the neighbors and tell them to
call up the search party. Please,

please go. You, please call the sheriff
before the choppers go up.

We're real sorry. So, looks like there's
going to be a full house this weekend,

huh? Yeah.

Party time, then. I'm sorry.

Get back in there.

Listen, um, sorry, and I'm going to take
off. You guys are going to be here all

weekend, right? Yeah. All right, sounds
great. Good to see you.

You didn't tell me they were coming for
the weekend. My sister and husband, they

didn't tell me either. They always show
up uninvited.

I hope they don't spoil your weekend.

Oh, no. Oh, no. We'll be fine. The kids
seem adorable, really.

Oh, they're monsters.

They're monsters.

See, this is why I don't want kids.

You know, what I'm saying is that I just
think it's such baloney and such a

cliche that the artist has to be messed
up and have a life of deprivation of

being an alcoholic or being deprived in
some way. It's how you use, obviously,

with imagination and passion, whatever
it is. I love you.

Well,

it's nice.

I think you're great.

Marry me, Captain Ronaldo.

Who's Captain Ronaldo?

Marry me.

Make me your wife.

We'll honeymoon in Paris.

Well, I'm not sure.

It's King Stanislaw's daughter, isn't
it? You're madly in love with her.

Who's King Stanislaw? Don't deny it. I
saw the two of you kissing, Bruce.

You betrayed me.

She hit me. She hit me incredibly hard.

Shannon, no hitting.

Shannon. Okay, you run along.

You go play with your sisters, okay?
We're going to talk about it later.

You weasel!

Oh, God, I am so sorry about that.

She's been reading these Harlequin
romance novels, you know, and she's just

obsessed with it. It's kind of cute,
really. Isn't it cute? Yeah, lovely.

Not many teeth left in the left -hand
corner of my mouth, but it's cute.

The puss.

All right, everybody.

I've got an announcement to make.

Gail and I are gonna have a new baby

So

I'd like to make a toast My wife

most beautiful pregnant woman in the
whole world Yeah,

you could be the toughest guy in the
world But when you see your child look

your eyes and you know that child knows
that you're their dad... Suddenly, it

smiles. I mean, it's like... I just
cannot explain it. It's like magic.

Is it magic when they do that little
dribble of vomit down your shoulder?

I'm sorry if we're boring you, pal.

Just a joke.

Okay, just forget it. He's rude. He's
rude.

Sorry, what did you say?

You are rude.

Rude? You think I'm rude? Yes. Sam. Yes,
I do. I'm sorry. For a moment, it's all

right, honey. It's fine. It's fine.
Let's just deal with this accusation of

rudeness, because like an idiot, I was
under the impression that you were the

one monopolizing the conversation. Well,
I'm sorry, too, if I'm a little excited

about my wife and I having another baby.
I know it might not be a big thing to

you. Yeah, and you are excited, and is
that a reason to exclude eight other

people from the conversation? Well, I
didn't realize this was a frickin' group

therapy session, Doctor.

You didn't realize that your dog was a
menace. You didn't realize that you were

a crashing ball. You know what? I would
walk over there and kick your booty,

little ass, if I wasn't going to have my
five -year -old daughter do it. Drop

the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Marty, come on.

That's it. You know, after all, he does
have a point, but, you know, just drop

it. Sean, he's a dick.

And you're an even bigger dick for
taking his side over family. No, you

it's just that you and Gail used to be
interested in all kinds of other things,

politics, music, art. Now it's just
nothing but kids, kids, kids.

Well, my kids happen to be very mean. to
me. When my first was born, it was one

of the most exciting moments of my life.
I felt like I really made a

contribution to this world. Absolutely.
Congratulations.

Absolutely. And the world is
overpopulated. Our society has too many

children. Well, I would say our society
has too many starving artists.

Hasn't been lucrative, that's true, but
that doesn't mean that, you know, what I

do isn't respectable.

Look at Van Gogh.

He, while he was living, didn't sell one
painting, and now his stuff goes for

$40 million.

John, I got a quick question for you.
How long are you going to have to be

before you can pay that phone bill? Hey,
hey, why do you guys really, really

come here? Is it just to ruin my
weekends and embarrass me in front of my

friends at my home? Your home?

This isn't your home.

It was our parents' home, but I don't
see you making any contributions.

You've got no wife, no kids.

You insult the only family you have. You
keep this up, you'll die alone like a

dog, like a bum.

Mike, then go.

Hey, Doc, you all right?

Are you okay?

Yeah. What?

You don't look so good.

You look like you're gonna puke or
something.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine. Thank you,
Truman. Fine. I was just listening to

you were saying there. That was
interesting. That was Keith Henton.

Would you mind repeating it just so I
can get it done?

You're an asshole.

Right.

And Dad's a bastard.

Yeah.

I can't be a father.

I can't.

Why would I want to have a child?

So he can call me a bastard in ten
years' time?

We'd have to move out. We don't have
space for a child.

Rebecca and me were wonderful together.
It's just insane to... Just two of us,

that's how it should be.

This baby...

is not a good idea.

That's what I'll tell her.

Bec?

Hi, I'm right there.

Just stay back. Okay, bye -bye.

I'll tell her now.

Hi. Bec.

Listen,

Bec. Samuel, I've been thinking. No,
wait. This pregnancy was an accident. It

took us completely by surprise.

Right. We've been doing really great
together, and a baby would change

everything.

Yeah, of course it could. Our
apartment's not ready for a baby.

No. We'd have to redecorate.

Yep. I'd have to quit my job. I mean,
nobody wants to take dance class from a

big fat pregnant lady.

I mean, we're not ready for a child.

No, I... There's not one good reason
that we should keep this baby.

But I still want to.

Good.

Right.

Maybe it's crazy, but I feel it living
inside me.

Oh.

And I really want this baby.

Okay.

What about you?

What do I think?

Yeah, I'm just saying how I feel.

What do you feel?

Right, how do I feel on that one?

Well...

I feel... I, uh...

I feel exactly the same as you.

Really?

Yeah.

We won't let it change us.

No. Oh, gosh.

Oh, gosh. Can you...

wait here for just a minute. I have to
go to the bathroom again. It's one of

many, many toys of pregnancy.

Okay.

All right. We're going to have a baby.

I'm such a, I'm such a coward.

Sorry. It's nothing to do with you.

Not bad, eh?

That was the single most satisfying
sexual experience of my life.

Well, I, uh, aim to please.

And now... Now it's time for dinner.

Time to get up.

Today's our first doctor's appointment.

Today?

Yeah, I told you about it two weeks ago.

And then last week, three days ago, and
twice, I think, yesterday.

All right, honey, I completely forgot.

Yeah.

Figures. I swear I won't forget the next
time.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Rebecca Taylor. I'm here to see Dr.
Green. Oh, Dr. Green's been out with

pneumonia. You can see his associate,
Dr.

Kosovich. Oh, you can reschedule.

Yes, I just reschedule. Oh, we can see
Dr. Kosovich.

Are you sure?

Why, is there a problem?

Oh, no. Oh, no, no. It's just that Dr.
Kosovich is new from Russia.

He's a little nervous.

Oh, oh, but very sweet.

Well, we're all...

We may as well see Dr. Kozovich.

Okay? Okay.

Okay.

Please,

come here. One moment.

Little family business.

It's not one thing it's your mother.

Please, please sit down. I'm very sorry.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Hello. We hear you're from Russia.

You have a problem with it?

No, no. I am not a communist.

Well, I was briefly member of party, but
it was not a party for me.

But it was only for medical reasons.

I was a scientist. In Russia, I was
chief of abstraction.

Abstraction?

Abstraction? Abstraction?

Obstetrics, I think you mean. That's it.

Obstetrics. Hold on a moment here. Not
abstractions, it's obstetrics.

Yes, I was head of obstetrics research
at Polonsky Hospital in Leningrad, now

St. Petersburg.

Hi. And what brings you here, then?
Well, I never get a chance to work with

people in Russia.

Oh, more of the sort of technical side?
No, animals.

Animals? Only rats and monkeys.

Rats? I'd like a little change of
scenery. You know, after ten years,

seen one red ash, you've seen them all.

I also want a patient who won't bite me.

And last month, I received my new
license, and now I'm able to deliver

babies.

Okay, now, I have a computer program
here that I have written myself that

calculate your due date very accurately.

Okay?

Fine.

When was the first day of your last
menopause?

Menopause? Menstruation.

Menstruation. Period.

End of sentence.

March 11th. March 11th. March 11th.
Three, one, one.

Okay. Here it comes.

The baby will be due December 8th.

Okay. Congratulations.

And the baby was conceived March 17th.

Oh, that's clever.

Yeah, most people know that, but some
people are too drunk, they don't

Oh, my God. What is wrong?

I'm not the father.

What?

Samuel. God.

On March 17th, I was away at a child
psychiatry conference in Boston,

Samuel, what are you saying?

Maybe I should leave you two alone.

That's fine. I'm going. No! Wait! Come
back! Sit down!

Samuel, sit down!

Now check your computer again.

The computer is very active. No, now!
Check the goddamn computer!

Check it! Check it!

Okay. What is wrong with the thing? Oh,
fuck me. It's not working. It's a yum

-nice thing.

Hold on. Okay.

What is wrong?

Oh. Oh, okay. Okay.

Excuse me. This is the problem.

It is feces flying into the fan. It's a
problem. There are function keys. One is

for humans and one is for simians. And
you're not a simian. No, I'm not.

I had you as a baboon. Okay.

Hold on. I have fingered it out. There
you go. Were you here March 23rd?

Yeah. With her?

Yes. Okay, um, everything is fine now.
We are all back online, and your baby,

your baby will be born on December 15th.

Okay, now it is time for the physical
examination. Let's go take a look at

Volvo, okay?

Come with me into here. I warm my hands
up for you.

Please, come in.

All right, madam, if you take off your
clothes and get undressed, we'll begin,

okay?

And you may stay in the room, sir, if
you like.

That's fine. I'll wait here. Don't you
dare leave me alone with him.

I'd like to stay. That's all right. Very
good.

Okay, let me get ready for you.

Okay.

I think we've worked out all the
insects.

Giddy up.

Run.

That lunatic is not delivering me.
That's fine, he won't. He's just

Dr. Green will be there. Honey, let me
help you, honey.

Don't just be gentle!

Honey, I was just thinking about the
baby.

Let's just keep it to ourselves, huh?

Um, um...

Yeah, all right. I mean, talking about
before the third month is bad luck

anyway, right?

Marty!

Look who's here!

Hey, guys, what the hell? Good to see
you. How you doing?

Wow! What are you doing?

Oh, I'm not pregnant.

You're not pregnant? No. Oh, right.

Huh. What are you doing on the maternity
floor?

Are we on the maternity floor? Good
grief, we're completely lost. Yeah.

Poor old Bec, she just had some bad
Chinese last night. Last night. And

here to see the gastrointestinal
specialist.

What's his name?

His name?

Yeah. You tell me his name, I can
probably tell you what floor he's on.

right, she volunteers here. I've sold
cars to almost every doctor, I don't

to brag.

What's his name?

Bec, what's his name? Doctor something,
isn't it?

Doctor... Excuse me.

Oh!

You realize I'd left it. Thank you very
much.

You have a small pussy.

What? Well, I found the little hairs on
the bag. What?

You know, the koshka, the... A cat!

Yes, we have a cat. Well, you must get
rid of it.

What?

Well... The cats, they spread the
disease.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Where the small worms? Small worms,
yeah, in the poop.

Toxoplasmosis. Toxoplasmosis. Thank you.
Thank you both very much, but Skippy is

old and clean, and I don't think
there'll be a problem in that direction.

Okay, well, it's your choice.

The cat or the baby.

Sorry to bring you that news.

I've been lied to before.

You're pretty good at it though.

We could use a man like you down with
the car lot

We're happy for you.

How are you feeling? I'm okay. I mean,
I've been a little tired, but other than

that... Hey, everybody gets tired, you
know, but it's just that the whole thing

is just such a life -changing event.

Listen, I'll give you my number. Call
me. We can go baby shopping, have lunch.

And you've got to get that book, What to
Expect When You're a Detective.

Hey, we've got some great videos you can
watch because we filmed every one of

her births. Oh, it's great. You've got
to film your first one, because that's

the best, because it's like the
bloodiest, you know? You've got blood

everywhere, things are shooting in and
out, people are screaming, stuff's

getting torn apart and sewed back
together.

It's like a really good World War II
movie.

Let me give you my number.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So you get to keep the car?

Yeah, yeah, it's fine now, thanks. It
cost a bit of money, but it's only three

months old.

But it only seats two people.

It always did. Yeah, right, but you're
going to have a baby now.

You're going to need something bigger.

Yeah, you could never fit a car seat in
there. You don't even have a seat belt.

No, you couldn't. I don't even know
where the trunk is. Listen, stop down by

lot. I'll make you a good deal.

All right?

Great.

Honey, we've got to go. Okay. All right?
Yeah.

Bad Chinese.

Buddy!

Come on, baby.

Let's roll. See you guys.

I hate him.

I loathe him. I detest him.

You know, he just tried to sell me a new
car. Can you believe that?

Yeah, yeah, but you know, he's right.
We're going to need something bigger,

something with four seats.

But, Hannah, you know how much I love my
car, and I've worked pretty hard for

it. Well, what do you suggest we do? Tie
the baby to the hood like a deer?

Well, no, but maybe, you know, maybe you
could get your own car. My salary?

Well,

put it this way, I'm not getting rid of
the car.

Simple as that.

Huh? Would you believe Dr.

Zhivago in there, the monkey doctor?

He's right about the cat. I've read
about it. Cats can be dangerous for a

I mean, not only can they give a baby
toxoplasmosis, but they can suffocate

baby, they can claw the baby. Skippy is
16 years old. He can barely move.

He's half blind. He hasn't got the
strength to suffocate anyone.

Well, what about hygiene? You know, in
the kitchen, I mean, you get cat hair on

a baby bottle, a cat can lick a baby's
dish, you get cat saliva everywhere.

just wait.

You said that this baby wouldn't change
our life. Now suddenly I have to sell

the car I love, I have to get rid of the
cat I've had for 16 years. I mean, this

is the second month and our lives are
practically unrecognizable.

I really appreciate your asking us to
come along.

Kind of hoping that this will get Samuel
excited about having a baby. Oh, yeah,

sure. Yeah, because if things don't
change, then I'm

thinking about leaving him.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sure you are. I thought about
leaving Marty all the time, but this is

first time. You've got to give him a
chance. No, you don't understand. He's

completely uninvolved. This whole baby
thing really scares him. Yeah, he's...

He's just probably having trouble facing
it. See, if you have a baby, that means

he's got to grow up.

That's what he's really afraid of.

The baby's the fun part. That's fun.

You know.

I mean, look at all this stuff.

Yeah! Boy,

he's going to love this.

But you know you're having a boy, right?
Yeah.

Gail took one of those amniotests, I
suppose. No.

Well, how do you know that?

I just know.

I can tell it's a boy by the way she's
carrying it all in front.

But they don't often carry them at the
back, do they?

Okay. Now, if it's a boy, you carry him
low down like this. You know? If it's a

girl, it's up like this, but if it's a
boy, it's down like this. Right?

Okay?

Plus, there are special ways to ensure
that it'll be a boy.

What do you mean, special ways?

Well, when we made love... Yeah?

We used special positions.

Oh, please. There's no wives there, that
stuff.

You'll see.

Sometimes I'm not sure I want this baby.

Oh, Missy, of course you do.

It's just such a privilege.

There's hundreds of women who spend
thousands of dollars every day trying to

pregnant. It's like our profound
biological right. It's something men can

experience. I mean, it has to be at the
right time for you, but really, it's a

miracle.

And then when the baby comes, there's
moments of sheer happiness.

Even if you're alone?

You know, I mean, I know that it's
fashionable, PC, all that, to be a

independent single mother, and I'm
prepared for that.

You know, I can do that.

But I would love this baby to have a
mother and a father.

I would love to have a family.

And I would love to marry Samuel.

All I have to do is ask.

Okie

dokie.

Okie dokie. Okie dokie. You tell your
mommy if she loves you, she'll buy you

whole Arnie collection.

Thank you, Arnie. Okay, who loves you,
girls?

Arnie. You know it. Bye -bye.

Well, hey there, fellas.

How about taking home a new Arnie doll
for the kitty? Oh, no thank you, buddy.

Oh, hey, mister. You'd look great in one
of my Arnie loves you T -shirts. They

come in extra, extra, extra large.

Oh, I bet they do, but no thank you.

Oh, how about one of my new Arnie loves
you... video.

Love this for you and me. No thanks.

Okay? We are one big family.

Shut up, okay? I'm not gonna buy your
damn video.

Oh, but the kids will love it. No, my
kids will hate it because they think

show sucks.

Ooh.

But thanks. Thanks anyway.

Well, sure. Hey, no hard feelings, okay?

All right. Sorry.

That's okay.

So long.

So long.

Hey, you cheap shit.

What did you say?

Huh? Oh, gee, I didn't say nothing,
mister. You must be hearing things.

He didn't say anything, Mark. Bye -bye.

Arnie loves you. You penis head.

Now, I heard that. What?

I heard what you said.

Come on, Mark. Forget it. Forget it.
He's the only pathetic in a dinosaur's

life. There's children around here.
Forget it. Forget it. Come on. Yeah,

So long.

for the queen.

Oh, Chauvin, Arnie loves your lunchbox
up your ass.

breakfast you got there.

Mm -hmm.

Wow, you, uh, certainly got your
appetite back.

Mm, boy.

I don't know if you noticed, but the
first three months were really tough on

But now, you know, my breaths don't
hurt, and no more nausea, no more

and I feel great.

Oh.

Good news.

So, I was thinking, you know, I mean, I
know it's been two months since we made

love, but, um...

Maybe we could fool around tonight.

Check. Leave the breakfast.

No, but I haven't finished the food.

I'll be right back. What?

I'll be right back.

Here. Right.

Right.

Ready when you are.

Ready?

Let's get it on.

Let's love, baby.

Let's get it on.

Let's get it on.

Here. Put your hand here. It's like
bubbles.

I don't feel anything. No, just wait.

No. It stopped.

I'm ashamed.

Yeah. It's an incredible feeling.

Huh? Yeah. Well, I guess I've got plenty
more time to...

Honey, do you think we're hurting the
baby?

No. No.

Because if I can feel it, then it can
feel me.

No, I don't think so.

I don't think so. Yes, yes.

Yes, it can.

What if the baby can see?

See what, my love?

Your penis.

Coming toward it, that could scare the
hell out of a baby.

Rebecca, I... Or what if your penis hit
in the head and caused brain damage or

something? Are you serious?

I don't know, I don't know. I just don't
think we should make love until we talk

to the doctor.

Please? We don't know what could happen,
hon.

Okay.

Fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

But you know what?

I bet if we wait a while, we can feel
the baby move again.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

That'll be just as much fun.

That's my game.

Fuck!

Ow!

Hey, hey, Sam.

Okay,

that's it. No more tennis for today.

That's it.

What happened to your British etiquette?
This John McEnroe thing is scaring me.

Sam, what's the matter?

I am in the middle of a nervous
breakdown. I can see you're going to

thrombo. What's the matter? Why?

Okay.

Rebecca is pregnant.

There.

I am completely sexually frustrated. I
do not sleep at night. I have these

appalling nightmares all the time.

About what?

Oh, well, now.

The latest nightmare is that the baby is
deformed, you know, missing an arm, or

it's got little cauliflower ears and an
eye in the middle of its forehead.

Understand it. I don't know why.

Well, do you want the baby?

I don't know. I don't know what I want
anymore.

Well, what about an abortion?

No, no, we're in the fifth month. It's
too late. Absolutely, absolutely.

Sit, sit, sit.

Let's talk about this for real, my God.

Jesus. I mean, you love Rebecca, right?

Yeah, I adore her. Okay, okay.

You've got to be honest with her, you
know?

Always let her know how you're feeling.

You've got to talk to her.

I never talked to her. Christina and I
never talked.

We were idiots. We threw it all away.
And now look at me. Look what I've

What do you mean? You have a wonderful
time dating young girls. I mean, my

life's a pile of shit.

It's a pile of shit.

It's empty and pointless, all those
women. My sister Gail is right. If I

continue this way, I'm facing a lifetime
alone, without a family.

I don't want to die like Van Gogh.

It's terrifying.

If you want to know the truth.

Man, I'd give anything to have Christine
back.

That's the truth. And sometimes, God
strike me dead for admitting this,

sometimes I think I'd like to be a
father.

Sorry, right. No, you're serious. Well,
you'd probably make a good dad. Well,

you know, whatever. But me and you,
we're getting older. I think it's time

us to face our responsibilities.

But don't lose Rebecca.

She's the best thing that ever happened
to you.

Hey, guys.

It's the 30th. Your membership fees are
due.

Oh, my sister takes care of that. Oh,
really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wait,

Did she just say it was the 30th?

Yeah, why?

Shit. What's up?

Shit. What's up?

Oh, this isn't happening. No.

What? Oh.

Today's our second ultrasound.

I've missed it. I swore I wouldn't miss
it. I've missed it.

Uh -oh.

Appointment was at 11.

I can make it.

Go on. Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Oh, sorry.

Dr. Thatcher, please.

She's in there. But, sir, do I have you
down for an appointment?

Sir.

Mr. Parker?

Yeah. You left about 15 minutes ago.

Thanks. Thank you.

Would you like to know the sex?

You mean the sex? The sex of the baby?

Mm -hmm.

Wow.

Does Rebecca know?

Yes.

Okay, then.

It's a boy.

A boy.

Thanks.

Thanks very much.

Mm -hmm.

Great.

So...

That means presumably you can actually
see his, you know, whatnot.

Penis. Penis, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And it's
fine, isn't it? I mean, eyes and all

that kind of stuff.

Perfect.

Good.

Lovely. And I'm assuming everything else
is as it should be. You know, lip and

eyes in the right spot and nothing
whatsoever here.

Everything looks fine.

Here.

Watch this with Rebecca.

She forgot to take it. Yeah.

Okay, good.

This is... That's actually him.

That's my son.

Mm -hmm.

Here.

Mr. Faulkner.

Yeah.

Pregnant women need a lot of support.

Be affectionate with her.

Kiss her a lot.

She was pretty emotional earlier.

Right.

Thanks.

Hi. What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

But, wait, I mean, I... I know I've
missed a few appointments, but I...

you don't care about me.

You don't care about this baby.

You're too wrapped up in your own
feelings to deal with this pregnancy.

You're just not ready to be a father.

Where would he go? Marty and Gail's.

Marty and Gail?

I don't want to move in with my parents.

And all my girlfriends are single, and
they don't need some pregnant person

living with them.

And Gail and I have gotten to be really
close.

She knows what it's like to be pregnant,
and she'll get me through this.

And the baby?

I'll raise the baby.

Hello?

Yeah. I got an apartment.

I can do it by myself.

Marty, hi.

Is she here? She said she never wants to
see you again.

Please, please, just let me talk to her
for two seconds. Listen, I feel for you,

buddy, but if I let you in here, I'm
going to be in the doghouse big time,

then I'm going to have to live with you.
I mean, you're a great kisser and all,

but... Marty, who is it?

It's my mom, honey.

But your mother's dead.

Yeah, I know. It's really weird.

I'm sorry. Marty, please, please.

No, at least, at least, tell her one...

What do you think of that?

Take a look at that.

Are you aiming specifically at the hotel
room market now, huh?

You're right, it is. It's a hotel room
painting.

That's what it is. It's terrible.

Look at that.

What happened to the nudes?

Oh, they weren't selling. You know, it's
cheaper for guys to buy a copy of

Playboy. Look, this is terrible. Here,
bon voyage. Goodbye.

A deep six. There.

Sleep with the fishes.

You're absolutely right.

I can smell the room service on that
painting. It's terrible.

But, you know, it's you.

It's... But you're around. That's why
I'm painting this way. You're very

unhappy. You're like... You're like the
antidote to exhilaration.

It's, if I take any more of this in, I'm
going to be painting cats and clowns.

What is the... Is it Rebecca?

You haven't heard from her, is that?

No, I haven't heard from her. I have
told you.

I have told you so many times she
refuses to see me.

No shit, she won't answer my calls,
reply to my letters.

It's a total... Shut off. I've thrown
away... thrown away the most important

thing in my life.

Just like that.

You need a new outlook.

No, no, no, don't scoff. Listen, forget
about Rebecca.

How could you say that to me? You were
the one who pointed out, reminded me

she was the most important thing in my
life only just weeks ago.

I never said that.

I never, I never said that. You said it
at the tennis court.

Oh, yeah.

Well, so what if I did? You know, that
was then, but now it's over, and, you

know, you've got to get on with your
life.

Listen to this.

Buy some new clothes.

I'm telling you, we'll learn a new
sport.

I'll throw a party and you'll meet some
new people.

Come on, we'll have some fun.

I don't think so, John. Start with a
smile. Just smile, for heaven's sakes.

Well, that's hideous.

But, you know, that's the idea.

I'm so lonely without you.

Can't sleep at night.

Always thinking about you. That's okay.

There you go.

But if I had the chance to start all
over, I wouldn't be wishing today on

a furry horse.

What is the reason would be the last
thing on my mind?

I can't hold out much longer.

But the pain is getting deep.

I keep getting stronger.

But if I had just one more try, I would
be here alone until

the day I die.

And we would have a love so divine if I
could turn back the hands of time.

Oh, darling, I'm so lonely without you.

Can't keep at night, always thinking
about you. Do you want to dance?

No. Oh, come on. Don't be such a stiff.

But if I had a chance to start all over,
I wouldn't be wishing today on a four

-leaf clover. And leaving would be the
last thing on my mind if I could turn

back the hand.

Thanks for the ride home.

Pleasure.

Want to come up for coffee?

No, thanks. No, I'm just going to shoot
off.

Do you want to come up for sex?

Wow.

That's pretty direct.

No,

the thing is, Lily, I think... I mean,
you're incredibly attractive, but I

it's just a bit early for me to get
involved, so take a rain check.

Another day.

All right, seriously, folks, if you guys
travel a lot, this is the perfect

vehicle because it's got a lot of room
in the back. You can actually put a

-size waterbed in the back. You ever
been on a waterbed? Oh, I love a

Can I help you, sir?

Yeah, I'm looking for Mr. Dwyer.

He's right over there. You never have to
worry about hemorrhoids. That's nice on

a cross -country journey. Listen, I'll
be right back with you guys, okay?

Okay, just enjoy the car.

Thanks for coming down, man.

I missed you.

Thanks.

Well, this is very painful for me, but I
want to buy a new car.

Buddy! Buddy, it's about time.

We happen to have a few around here, you
know.

Listen, uh, how's Rebecca?

She's great. Yeah, you take good care of
her, huh? Yeah, yeah. Gail's taking her

out shopping and they're exercising and
stuff.

Then I make her dinner every night.

Right. And she's really doing okay?

Yeah, yeah, she is. The first month was
bad, and I was crying a lot. But, uh,

she hasn't even mentioned your name in
the last two weeks. I think she's

over you.

Here. This is the car for you.

Okay? All right.

Yes, I need to see her.

Oh, she doesn't want to see you. I know,
I know, but I really have to speak to

her, okay?

I want her back.

Oh, it's going to take a lot of
convincing.

Please, do something for me. Just, um,
organize sort of a chance meeting, you

know, like you bring her to a grocery
store or a restaurant or something, and

just happen to be there.

I don't know.

I know, I know, I know.

Ask Gail if I could babysit your kids on
Saturday afternoon. You want to babysit

for my kids? Yes! In fact, it's
brilliant, because then it'll convince

that I like being around children, you
see. No.

No, no, no, no, no. Because that's going
to get me in big trouble with Gail. And

you know how mad she gets.

Buddy, please do this for me.

Okay, okay, I will.

Excellent.

This is fun, isn't it?

Yeah.

Isn't this jolly molly?

Listen to this.

I remove the victim's brains with an ice
cream scooper.

Awesome, huh?

Shannon, there are other children here,
and they really don't want to hear all

that beastly stuff, all right? So you
just read quiet. Higher!

Yeah, higher.

Patsy, no, that's not funny, my love.
Don't strangle the little boy.

Sammy, okay?

Are you all right? Yeah, yeah. Good.

We're all getting on well.

Is Rebecca coming?

No.

No?

Marty, we had an agreement.

She's in the hospital, Sam.

In the hospital?

Yeah. Why? What's wrong?

Well, there might be a problem with the
pregnancy.

What kind of problem? What are you
talking about? Well, the doctors don't

yet, but she's with them.

And they're good doctors.

Be careful, Sam.

Which room is Rebecca Taylor in, please?

It's 15th. Where's that? Just around the
corner.

Yeah.

Hi. So, is she going to be all right?
Yeah, yeah, she's going to be fine.

Oh.

She just started having some
contractions, and she started dilating a

they just want to keep her here
overnight, restrict her movement, which

sometimes happens in the seventh month.

And the baby's okay?

Yeah, baby's great.

So, can I see her?

Don't upset her.

I won't.

Promise? Yeah, promise.

Hi.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

You know, I was worried about... about
you and the baby.

We're gonna be fine.

Yeah, that's what Gail said.

Is this noise... Is that the baby's
heartbeat?

Strong? Yeah.

Beck, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I was, um, a disgrace.

I mean, I know not exactly what a
bastard I was. I was completely

selfish, and you had absolutely every
right to walk out on me.

I want you to reconsider.

Sam, please.

The thing is, let me just explain. I
think... I know that I've changed.

You don't believe in change.

No, I do. I do now. Change is great.
Change is what it's all about. Anyone

doesn't believe in change is a coward.

Which is what I was.

I was scared.

I was scared of losing control and of
losing...

You know, you or what we had together
and losing my youth.

Aren't you now?

No. No, especially not my youth. I mean,
my youth is here, doing well.

I'd really love to believe that.

Listen, I've seen the second ultrasound.

You know, the one you left at Dr.
Thatcher's the day I was late?

And the point is, I don't care what I
think or don't think anymore.

I didn't give a damn about me.

I'm in love with my child.

You are?

I'm completely in love with you for
having him.

Samuel, you almost ruined everything.

Please.

It's the seventh month.

The baby can hear you.

How do you know that?

Because I... know about babies and i've
been reading up of you know dr brazelton

what to expect when you're expecting
penelope leach i've been to a lamaze

i was the only single father there
really i sold the porsche oh i don't

that yep marty gave me a terrible deal
on a you know big family car he did yes

parked outside car seat family extras
just needs a family

And um...

Would you be my wife?

Yes.

Yes!

I want to kiss you.

Okay.

Lucy, hear it.

It's gone.

Oh,

Samuel.

It's beautiful.

You did this all by yourself?

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

How are you feeling?

Okay.

But my feet are really swollen. My
back's killing me.

Well, look.

Leave this to me.

I'm going to pull up your strings. All
right.

Hi. Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but
my wife's pregnant. In fact, she's due

two weeks. And I was just wondering...
Lily?

Samuel? Oh.

Hi. Hi.

What a coincidence.

How long have you been working here?

Three weeks.

Three weeks? Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

How are things?

Busy.

Oh, obviously.

So, listen, Lily, how long is the wait
for a table going to be?

Give me a few minutes. I'll see to it
right away.

Okay. Great.

Great.

Well, look -see.

She's just setting the table now.

You know her?

Who? The hostess.

The hostess?

Mm -hmm.

I've never seen her before in my life.

Samuel!

She called you Samuel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my
name.

Yeah, but you're on a first -name basis
with a woman you've never seen before in

your life?

Well, she took my first name. See?

Some places they do that. They take the
first name.

Some places they use last names. Yeah,
they use first names.

Oh. Yeah, Billy. Yeah.

You're paranoid.

Oh, sorry.

What is it?

Oh, I think... Shit!

What? What?

I cut my hand. Oh, wow, that's bad.

Samuel. Hang on, honey, this is quite
serious. Samuel. That is going to need

stitches. Samuel.

What? My water broke.

Well, we'll get you another.

No, my water broke.

This water broke? Yeah.

That means it's time, doesn't it? That's
right, it's time.

Well, then we've got to go to the
hospital. Right, right. Go, go, go, go,

Wait! Wait for me!

I got the doctor's machine again. I
mean, where can you be at some bloody

doctor's party, you bastard?

Oh, come on, Carl, please go faster.

When did you sell the course?

You slept with her, didn't you? Well, we
were apart.

It was completely innocent. Nothing
happened. I was completely faithful to

Lily Taylor, wasn't I completely
faithful?

Completely faithful.

There, see? No, I don't believe you. If
it was all so innocent, then why did you

lie about knowing her?

Only because I didn't want to upset you
because you were in a fragile state.

I'm in a much more fragile state now.

Listen, I swear to you on the life of my
child, I did not sleep with this woman.

You stupid son of a bitch!

He has a heart condition!

I'm sorry.

George,

are you all right?

I'm having chest pains.

I'll call an ambulance.

Well, look, I'm on the way to the
hospital if you'd like a ride.

It's around here somewhere.

woman in labor.

I'm sorry. Are you all right? Get me out
of here. Are you all right?

May I help you? Yes.

Rebecca Faulkner for Dr. Green. Her
water's broken. I'll get the doctor for

sir. Okay.

Well, come on, move! Hey, hey, hey!
Don't push me! Okay, I beg your pardon.

the doctor. Honey,

how are you feeling?

The baby's ready.

What's he ready?

To come out!

Jesus Christ almighty! Where is the
bloody doctor?

Where's Dr. Green? Where's our doctor?

Miami. Miami?

Well, he's on vacation. You're two weeks
early.

Yeah, but you're not the replacement
doctor, are you?

Yes, I am.

No. Oh, no. I want someone else.

There is nobody else.

There must be. There must be someone
else. Find me another doctor.

There's no one else!

All right?

It is a full moon.

Everybody has gone into labor.

Look around you. There are not enough
doctors. There are not enough nurses.

there are not enough delivery rooms,
okay?

So unless you want to deliver this
baby...

I'm okay.

I'm a little nervous, okay? It's my
first delivery.

If there aren't any delivery rooms,
where's she having the baby? I'm going

put her in with another one of my
patients.

You mean we're sharing a room? I'm
sorry, we're a little over...

She's very good, okay? All right, you
look uncomfortable. I'm going to raise

down, okay? No!

Don't touch anything!

All right, all right.

Hey,

buddy! No!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm cruising for chicks. Come on,
I'm having a baby, for God's sake. Come

on. Hi!

Hi!

Here we go, okay.

Here we go.

Oh, good.

He's my husband!

I know, but it's a full moon. Women are
spouting about like crazy. Oh, good.

Everybody's old friends. Back!

Smile, Doc.

How's she doing over there, Doc? Oh,
she's great. God bless America, okay?

Honey, honey, honey, smile.

Smile for me, honey. I love you so much.
Smile. You're so beautiful.

This smile is how bad it is, and it
doesn't hurt.

Okay,

I'll get you some... Knock me out!

Knock me out!

Can't you give us something for the
pain?

You don't want natural childbirth?

No!

Okay, you want anesthesia?

What?

Drugs, yes?

Yes. Okay, all right, give me a moment.
I'm thinking.

What do you mean, you don't know?

Kind of. Well, thank you, coming
bastard!

Shut up, you lying bitch!

I'm sorry.

I can't take the pressure. Don't yell at
me.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, it's fine.

It's fine.

Valium. But valium's no good. No, for
me.

pedicure. Pedicure? Ain't no goddamn
beauty parlor.

Epitaph. Epitaph? She's not dead, you
moron.

Epidermis? What is it? Epilady?

Epidural, asshole!

That's it!

Yes! That's what I mean.

Well, come on then. Epidural.

Epidural. I always get those confused.

Anima, pedicure, epidermal. I should buy
myself a clitoris.

You need a thesaurus is what you need.

Clitoris, I don't even know what I'm
doing.

What are you doing? Go away from me.

Honey, I'm so proud of you, and I love
you so much. I hate you!

You did this to me, you miserable piece
of dick -brained, horse -shit, slime

-sucking, son -of -a -whore bitch!

That's perfect, sweetheart. I got it all
on film. The kids are gonna love it.

Maybe I'll put it in a... Get out!

Get out! You're the one! You are the
one!

Hi, everyone. Hi, I'm Dr. Newsome. I'm
here to administer the epidural. Oh,

Thank God!

What'd you get? You're gonna be...

That thing into my wife? Mm -hmm. Right
into her spine.

Uh -huh. Good. Thanks.

Where'd you go, you?

Look, you see? That is why women have
the babies, you see?

Because men can't handle the paw.

You broke my camera.

Oh, Sam, I'm sorry.

Listen, I'm sorry, man. I got a little
carried away.

Unless I cut the wrong cord.

Bad joke. I'm very sorry.

Congratulations,

Papa. You have a big, beautiful girl.

Can we still call her Samuel?

She's not yours. She's yours.

No, she's not.

No, she's not.

I've already got three girls.

Four, actually. Counting this one.

What's going on here, honey? What's
going on? I bought all that cowboy

Honey, I bought all that cowboy stuff,
and I bought the sports stuff, and I

bought all the other stuff, and it's
all... Is there another one in there,

honey? What happened?

Yes, yes, honey. But how's she going to
play for the 49ers?

Well, she could play.

You think so?

Yeah, she could do anything.

Yeah. They're pretty good arms.

Look at your son.

You have a boy.

A beautiful boy.

Oh, buddy.

Say hello to Papa.

Oh, thank you. Thank you for choosing
me.

He's very handsome.

He's got very big testicles, too.

Well, yes, he would have.

I know it's great, isn't it?

We're a family.

Hey, hmm, you should look at me She's
got your eyes.

Hey, sir. Yeah and your hair and your
figure in fact I

Guess having another girl's not so bad.

Yeah. I mean you just have to keep
trying for a boy. Yeah think of all the

positions Yeah Jesus Paul Gale.

Hmm.

Listen, I'm sorry about your camera

Oh, don't lie with that line. It's my
fault.

Mark, um... I, uh... I just want to say

thanks.

For what?

Well, for today.

For, um... Without you and Gail, I just
probably wouldn't be here.

Probably wouldn't be a dad.

You're welcome, buddy.

I love you.

And I love you, big guy.

Hey, we did it, huh?

I'm sorry about what happened. Oh, no,
no. We underestimated you. Oh, please,

without you, come on. We make a great
team.

Hey, Doc, have you been celebrating a
little bit there? Just a little bit.

Come on, we'll crack another bottle,
okay?

I'll be right back, but first I have to
circumcise your tongue.

Okay.

What's this, Dr. Kuzovich?

These are the days.

The time is now.

There is no past.

There's only a future.

There's only here.

There's only now.

Sorry if we woke you.

It was a bit tense, so I thought we'd
have a bit of dancing here.

It's very good for tension.

Want to dance with mommy?

She's a professional, you know, she's
better than me.

Oh dude.

I'm looking down on the rooftops. The
changes are coming too fast.

Don't have no answers.

Don't even know what questions to ask.
I'm better off saying nothing

than telling you lies.

this is the time baby

This is the time of your life

What you gonna do