All language subtitles for Allo.Allo.1984.S02E06.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-Vialle

- Some of you may be curious to
know

what I am doing in a haystack,

wearing a top hat and a coal
scuttle.

I will tell you.

I am hiding from Monsieur
Alphonse,

a decrepit old undertaker

who challenged me to a duel.

My wife Edith invited the whole
village

to witness this spectacle.

So she was particularly
disappointed when I ran away.

Just as well as I did
because in spite of the fact

that I was zigzagging through
the woods,

he still managed to dent
my scuttle at 75 yards.

The question now is,

How much longer can I
go on hiding from him

without being discovered?

- Psst, psst, Rene.

- What are you doing here?

- We are having a secret
meeting.

We have to decide what course

of action to take next.

- I will tell you what course

Get me to Switzerland.

- We need you here.

You are a vital link in the
escape route

of the British airmen.

The balloon is assembled, a
favorable wind is expected.

We will need you to
take the British airmen

to the rendezvous.

- Do you not understand?

That maniac undertaker
is trying to kill me.

- We have decided on a disguise.

- You have?

Oh Michelle, how can I ever
repay you?

- Take off your clothes.

- The Resistance, they don't
mess about,

do they?

Could we not kiss and
cuddle a little bit first?

- It is so you can put on your
disguise.

- Ah.

I thought my luck had changed.

♪ - Who

♪ Means my happiness.

♪ Who

♪ Would I answer yes

♪ To

♪ Well you ought to guess

♪ Who

♪ No one but you.

- Oh Madame, you have
a voice in a million.

- When we are married, I
will sing to you every night.

- Madame, it may not be
appropriate.

After all, our bedroom
is above the mortuary.

- Forgive me, I was forgetting.

I could hum "Ave Maria"
unaccompanied.

- You probably would be.

- Monsieur Alphonse, it's very
urgent that I speak to you.

- I do not know you.

- I am Michelle, of the
Resistance.

- Michelle of the Resistance?

Not the intrepid leader of
that brave band of partisans

who roam the countryside
striking terror

into the hearts of Germans
and collaborators and that?

Not the girl who is a legend,

who comes into our midst like a
phantom

and then vanishes without a
trace?

- That is the one.

- Lead, Mademoiselle, and we
will follow.

I love you, I love you.

- Now listen very carefully.

I will say this only once.

- I will take notes.

- Oh Yvette, Rene is outside.

- Oh no, If Monsieur Alphonse
sees him,

he will kill him.

- Do not worry, he is in
disguise.

He will wait in the cafe
until Michelle explains

to Monsieur Alphonse

how important Rene is to our
cause.

- Another cognac, please,
Yvette.

Any news of Rene?

- Not a word.

- The place is not the same
without him.

- It's all clear.
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- It's all clear.

- Those eyes,

they look very familiar.

Particularly that one.

- I am trying very hard not
to be familiar, Monsieur.

- I have it.

You are a relation of Rene,
who works behind the bar.

- Very distant.

- You have very hairy legs.

- They run in the family.

(audience laughs

- Rene, it is you.

- Please, lieutenant, do not
give me away.

- Don't worry, your
secret is safe with me.

- No, no you do not understand.

- Yes, I do.

I had an uncle with the same
leanings.

Every Shrove Tuesday, he would
dress up as a pancake girl.

- I suppose you think I am a
coward.

- On the contrary.

I think it takes great courage

to come out in the open
and dress that way.

- Oh my God, Germans.

And they are coming to this
table.

- Don't worry, I will cover.

Mademoiselle, a dance.

- What?

Oh wait, no, I don't, I'm not
very good.

- Don't worry, I will lead.

- Are they watching us?

- Don't worry.

Just be normal.

- I'm doing my best.

- You will do a few more bars,

then I will put you in my
little tank

and take you back to my place

until it dies down.

- Psst.

- Lieutenant, do you feather?

- Of course.

- Just leave me here with
my friends, will you?

- You're not really dressed for
a tank.

I think I better go
and warm it up for you.

- If you need a push
start, just let me know.

I'll get the rest of the girls.

Ah.

- I did not know who it was
I was challenging to a duel.

- What?

- You, the leader of the escape
route.

Oh, let me kiss the hem of your
dress.

- Please, please, Monsieur
Alphonse, you embarrass me.

- Oh, tell me what to do.

I will follow you anywhere.

- In a minute, I am going to
have to go

to the little girls' room.

- Oh Madame,

I could not come between you
and this,

this perhaps the bravest man in
France.

Henceforth, I will admire you
from afar.

Good day to you all.

Vive la France.

- Vive de Gaulle.

- Who?

You know, de Gaulle, the
one with the big.

- Of course, Vive de Gaulle.

- Thank heavens he has gone.

- Things are going very well
for you.

But what am I to tell my
friends?

I cannot be seen out with a
coward.

- I have the explanation.

You will tell them that during
the duel,

a bumblebee flew down his
trousers at a critical moment,

causing him to run into the
river.

- But the nearest river
is three miles away.

- It was a very big bee.

- Rene?

Helga's here.

She must see you.

She's in trouble.

- Helga?

- One last message before I go.

The wind is favorable.

When the moon is down,
you will lead the airmen

to the balloon.

- Oh, where are they now?

- Hello.

- We will disappear like
phantoms into the night.

Good.

- Come in.

- Rene.

- Yes?

- The colonel and the
captain have been arrested

by the Gestapo.

They are even now imprisoned
in the dungeons of the chateau.

What was that?

- It was the phantoms
falling over the dustbin.

- Soon they will be
interrogated.

Herr Flick always gets to
the bottom of everything.

- Why should I care?

I have done nothing.

- You have hidden in your
cellar the knockwurst sausage

containing the real painting
of the fall of Madonna

with the big boobies by Van
Glom,

a copy of which is is hanging
in the Gestapo sausage

in your kitchen, which Herr
Flick is under the impression

is the real painting,

which was supposed to be
on the train to Hitler,

which did not arrive, due to
the fact that

it was substituted with
a normal knockwurst

which was blown up.

They may reveal this under
torture.

- Will they remember it?

- And we must help them
before it's too late.

- Helga, I cannot go like this.

- Why not?

- I am disguised as a girl.

- How you relax off-duty is
no concern of the German army.

- Not so fast.

My name is Englebert von
Smallhausen of the Gestapo.

I am wishing to speak with Rene
Artois,

the barman.

- Oh, what a pity.

You have just missed him by
that much.

It is his night off.

- The engine is warmed
up, Rene, so let's go.

- So.

You are Rene Artois.

Why do you dress as a
woman of the opposite sex?

- I was going to a pancake
party.

- You will come with me.

I will take you to the dungeons
of the Gestapo headquarters.

Have you any personal
belongings you wish to bring?

- Just my handbag.

- You are Private Helga
Geerhart.

- I am.

- Herr Flick orders that you
also attend,

please.

Come with me.

- Oh this is terrible.

What shall we do?

- We will have to go over
the heads of the Gestapo.

- Who are you calling?

- General Erich von
Klinkerhoffen.

Allo, allo?
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- Hans, what are you doing?

- I'm scraping at the cement,

and hoping to loosen one of
these bricks.

- Don't be absurd.

- The Count of Monte Cristo did
it.

- It took him 20 years.

- Come to think of it, the
film had already started

when I went in.

- What do you think
he's going to do to us?

- Who knows?

- They are terrible with women.

- Colonel, can you not just
tell him about your sausage?

- If we tell him,

he will find out that we
pinched the genuine painting,

so as to sell it when all this
is over.

- Why do you have to try to
make money out of the war?

Why can you not just fight
and have done with it?

- Rene, I want you to promise
me,

if we ever get out of this,

that you will stop seeing
those Resistance people.

And I will try not to
arrest too many Frenchmen.

And then we can all lead
a quiet and normal life.

- I was trying to lead
a quiet and normal life

when I was arrested.

- So I see.

- Put your skirt down.

- So,

have you decided to talk yet?

- We know nothing, Herr Flick.

That empty sausage is a
complete mystery to us.

- Helga put it on the train.

- Helga has been very
thoroughly interrogated.

And has revealed nothing new to
me.

Helga,

I think you should have
the brassiere up a bit.

- Whatever you say, Herr Flick.

- Take the bellows and pump it
up.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

- That is more like it.

- You are exceeding your
authority.

The Gestapo has no jurisdiction
over senior officers

in the army.

- Or junior officers.

- What about cafe owners?

- They can do what they like
with them.

- I do not know what you
are complaining about.

You are a temporary
guest in a well-equipped

and completely soundproof
dungeon.

What is more,

I hardly think a complaint
that you were tortured

to reveal the whereabouts
of a knockwurst sausage

will be treated very
seriously by the high command.

I will return very soon.

When I do,

I suggest you talk.

- A note.

I knew we could Helga.

- Oh, Helga will have a plan.

What does it say?

- It says,

"Have you got a plan?"

- I do not often do this,

but I am going to offer
up a silent prayer.

- We should all do the same.

Hans.

- Oh.

- Who prayed for that?

- It's coming from this
ventilator here.

Just a minute.

Oh it smells like a sewer down
there.

I do declare.

- The wind is terrible in the
sewers.

- What are you doing here?

- I bring a message from
Michelle.

- What is your message?

- It is for Rene's ears only.

- Never mind that, get on with
it.

What is it?

- Michelle says,

have you got a plan?

In that case,

you are in.

- Come back here, come back
here.

- If we were small we could
get down that little hole.

- Somebody else is coming.

- Hello.

Maria.

I have crawled through the
drain.

I have to say goodbye.

Kiss me for perhaps the last
time.

- Oh well,

it is a bit embarrassing with
the colonel

and the captain here.

- Stick your head down the hole
and do it.

- Hans, I don't know
what they see in the man.

- He has quite good legs.

- It is I, Yvette.

- Another one.

- I brought you your rings.

- My rings?

- The hollow ones containing
the pills

with the deadly poison.

Here.

If all else fails, take them.

You will feel no pain.

You will die instantly.

- How thoughtful of you.

- Rene,

I've saved a pill for myself.

I cannot live without you.

- Oh well do not take it just
yet, Yvette.

- He has a better time than
we do, even with his love life

down the drain.

- Well, that is it.

Here we are then.

- Thank you Rene.

- One each.

- Colonel, these are the
rings that we gave to Rene

in case he got caught.

- Yes, those are the rings.

There's someone coming.

Hide them.

- Yes.

Rene, what are you doing?

- The girls smudged my lipstick.

- Ah, have you decided to talk?

- Yeah, I have decided.

- Humph.

- Not to talk.

- Very well.

Helga,

the wheel.

- The wheel?

- I will take care of the organ.

- The organ?

- Good.

Before we start,

have you any last requests?

- Blue Skies Around The Corner?

- Helga,

turn.

Where is the sausage?

- The ceiling, it's going to
crush us.

- It's in the cellar.

- I cannot hear you.

- It's in the cellar.

- The bench.

- Keep turning.

- We told you, it's in the
cellar.

- Not good enough.

- Helga, what are you doing?

- Sorry Colonel.

I'm only obeying orders.

- Shoulders to the ceiling.

Hans, what are you doing down
there?

- I'm waiting for the ceiling
to get down to my shoulders.

- Do you not find this
grand crushing cause

very exciting?

- I think you missed a
note, can you go back?

- Keep turning, Helga.

- Keep playing, Herr Flick.

- Look, no hands.

- Hans, I think it's
time to take the pills.

- The pills, quick.

- Nothing has happened.

- Another faulty batch.

We'll have to write a letter
about this.

- Heil Hitler

- What is the meaning of this?

- These men are traitors to the
Reich.

They have stolen a knockwurst
sausage

containing the painting
of the fallen Madonna

with the big boobies, which
was on its way to Berlin.

The sausage they sent
was blown up by the RAF.

But upon investigation, it
transpired that

there was no painting in the
sausage.

And in fact, all the sausage
contained

was sausage.

- Upon this evidence, you are
flattening

a colonel and a captain
in one of my divisions?

Not to mention a very plain
French girl?

- My authority comes from
Berlin.

- My authority comes from this
gun.

Release them.

- I see.

Temporarily, you have the upper
hand.

But I should warn you,

that my godfather is Heinrich
Himmler.

- My wife's sister is the
mistress of Hermann Goering.

- Hermann Goering has many
mistresses.

- My wife's sister is the one
who wears

the chamois leather
underclothes.

- Helga,

turn the wheel the other way.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

- So, you are a party to this.

- No, I was only obeying orders.

- Reverse the wheel.

- Oh dear,

what are we going to do?

- You incompetent fool.

Stand back.

- Ladies first.

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- Oh Edith,

Edith, oh Edith.

Why do you ignore my cries for
assistance?

- I am here now, Mama.

I have just been to the
church to light a candle

- I have just been to the
church to

light a candle for Rene.

I fear he is no longer with us.

- Good.

Now you can marry the
undertaker while he still

has the hots for you.

- I can't think about that.

Now that Rene has gone,

I must have the two airmen
away as soon as possible.

- Ah my little Edith.

Always so headstrong.

- Get through to London
so that I can spook

on the radio.

- Edith,

who is the fuzz with the bad
French?

- He is an expert on escaping
from London.

- Are things so bad in London?

What is happening to me?

My room is full of
transvestites.

- I do hope we're not
expected to wear these things

in the balloon.

We downdraft around the needles.

- Edith,

I see flashing knobs.

- It is London.

Help me.

Get the code book

while I assemble the radio.

Allo, allo.

This is Mrs. Nighthawk calling.

Where is the wind coming from?

I say again.

Where is the wind coming from?

- The same place it always
comes from.

The wind is
coming from the southeast,

three knots and holding steady.

Tonight is the night.

Bring signal torch.

When you are over coast, flash
it.

Over and out.

- Edith, Rene has been
released and has returned.

- Rene released?

Quick Edith, to the church.

Blow out the candles.

You may get a refund.

- Oh Rene,

thank heavens you are alive.

I can't believe it is you
sitting with me at this table,

wearing that hat, that
wig, and that dress,

and those little white socks.

- Oh Yvette, thank God it is
all over.

And what is more,

the colonel and I have made a
pact

that from now on,

everything will return to
normal.

- Listen very carefully.

I will say this only once.

You are ordered to lead the
British airmen

to the balloon

that will take off tonight.

- But that is not possible.

On the orders of General
von Klinkerhoffen himself,

the colonel and the captain
have gone off on maneuvers,

the ones that were canceled.

- The town is ringed with
German soldiers.

We are under curfew.

- People are allowed
through who are engaged

in the social services.

Everything has been arranged.

I have a plan.

- Oh, now she has a plan.

Why did you not have a plan
when I was

in the Nutcracker Suite?

- I cannot say what an honor
it is for me to assist you,

Monsieur Rene.

The bravest man in France.

Just escaped death by Gestapo
torture,

without thought of personal
danger,

is even now

helping the British airmen to
escape.

- I am quite a character, am I
not?

- Somebody's knocking on the
coffin.

Whoa.

- What are you knocking for,
you old bat?

You are supposed to be dead.

- I wish to go to the bathroom.

- You will have to wait.

This is not a corridor hearse.

- Do not speak like that to my
mother.

You must be kind to her.

It was your idea she should be
the corpse.

- She is the nearest thing we
have.

- Get back to your seat.

Wagons, roll.

- Move on.

- Not much further chaps.

- Jolly good.

Germans on the horizon.

- Looks like a roadblock.

Somebody is
disobeying the curfew.

- Funeral processions are
allowed, Herr Colonel.

- I wonder why Rene is
driving in the front.

- I wonder why the two
corpses in the second hearse,

they're sitting up and
chatting to each other.

- I think it is possible that
Rene is finally getting rid

of the British airmen.

- So that life can return
to normal like he promised.

- Hans, tell the sergeant
to let them pass.

- This is a funeral.

We are borrowing some bedies.

- Bedies?

- Dead bedies. In ceffins.

- Proceed.

- Let them proceed.

- General Von Klinkerhoffen.

- Halt.

- Halt.

- What is this?

- A funeral, Herr General.

- I see.

- Open the coffin.

- It is my brother's wife's
mother.

She died of the plague.

- What plague is this?

- The plague that kills
brothers' wives' mothers.

- Open the coffin.

If this spreads across
Europe, we've all had it.

Bury her quickly.

Proceed, proceed.

- Oh, thank you.

- Cheers.

- Oh, thank you.

Keep pumping.

- I think we're pretty near
takeoff.

- Let's hope the paraffin holds

out.

- Let's hope the knickers hold

- Well, goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Thanks awfully for having us.

- My card.

- You must come and
stay with us if you ever

come to England.

- Goodbye.

- Dirty knickers did the trick.

Thank heaven.

Now life at Cafe Rene
can return to normal.

Well as normal as possible.

Bye Bye.