All language subtitles for Allo.Allo.1984.S01E05.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-Vialle

- Yesterday was for me a very
bad day.

I was arrested for
blowing up a railway line,

which I did not do, and
General Von Klinkeroffen,

a very important kraut,
had me shot at dawn.

But my two friends, the
German officers over there,

put dummy bullets in the firing
squad's rifles, so that I

could live to tell the tale,
which is what I am doing now.

Needless to say I owe them a
favor.

- Rene.

Now that things are back to
normal...

- Almost normal, we have not
yet got back the painting

of the fallen Madonna with the
big.

- Rene, now that things
are back to almost normal

I think you owe me a favor.

- Of course Colonel, Evette or
Maria?

- I can't decide.

No contest!

- In half an hour?

- Perfect.

- Just one little thing
is worrying me, Colonel.

- What's that Rene?

- Well, the lieutenant
who was in charge of the

firing squad that shot me,
he is a regular customer

of mine, will he not
think it a little strange

to find me still here, alive?

- We thought of that.

- We think of everything.

- Told him your cafe was now
being run by your twin brother.

- What a brilliant idea, how
do you think of these things?

- We have to be on our toes.

- He's looking forward to
meeting you.

- Do you think it will work?

- Of course, you look
exactly like yourself.

- You are most reassuring,
one other thing, I am running

very short of butter, sugar,
and paraffin, do you think

you could let me have a
little from your store?

- Rene, we cannot keep
on fiddling our books,

it's not fair on Hans.

- I'll manage somehow.

- Helga, sit down.

Have you seen Herr Flick of the
Gestapo?

- Yes, I carried out your
instructions, I told him Rene

has been shot and his twin
brother has arrived from Nancy

to run the cafe.

- Did he believe it?

- After some interrogation.

- Why did he interrogate you?

- It was raining so we
decided not to go out.

- Dear Shippert, oh will
nobody come to help me?

- Here we are Mama.

- Oh not more onion soup.

- No, today we have a treat.

- Oh!

- Calico beans.

- Oh that's more than
an old woman can bear.

But no matter, come close, see
this.

Now that Rene is dead,
have you found his will?

- Mama he is not dead, he's
down below.

- Oh well the life he
lead I am not surprised.

As it is, you must marry
again, why do you not marry

Monsieur Maurice, he owns
the Hotel Grande, plus he

has a cafe.

- Mama, Rene is not dead.

- He has a bigger one than Rene.

- Do not fill your head with
such things.

I must go, I have much to do.

- Now it is, what are you
going to do about the airman

in my wardrobe?

- There are no airmen in
your wardrobe, we have

hidden them in the hen house.

- Airmen in the hen
house, sometimes I think

I go around the twist.

- Maria, Evette, the two German
officers in half an hour.

- Did you explain that the
flying helmet and the egg

whisk are extra.

- No this time, this one is on
the house.

- Oh Rene, what about the
resistance, you know we have

to give them 10%.

- They will be very cross
if they find out that we are

giving the Germans freebies.

- Take it out of the till.

- Ah!

Allow me to introduce myself,
I am Lieutenant Gruber,

I was a very close friend of my
brother.

- Ah my twin brother Rene,
yes yes, it was very sad.

- Unfortunately I was in
charge of the firing party.

- Yes I know.

- Although you understand
it, I hope you will not

hold it against me.

- I will try not to.

Your usual, whatever that may
be?

- That is my usual, how
extraordinary.

- You bear a most remarkably
close resemblance to Rene.

- I know.

- You even have the same pretty
rings.

- Ah yes yes, he left them to
me.

- Well I come to look, your
eyelashes are a little longer,

and your hands are more
artistic.

The colonel told me you arrived
from Nancy's this morning.

- Yes, he's quite right.

- Is that where you and Rene
were born?

- Yes we were both Nancy boys.

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- Rene, I must talk to you,
we have to feed the hens.

- She called you Rene,
that is very strange.

- Well you see we were so
alike there did not seem to be

any point in giving us
different names.

- So they call you both
Rene, that must have

been very confusing.

- No they called us "Rene
one" and "Rene two."

- Are you one?

- No I am definitely two.

- Otto, what brings you here?

- I am here on official
business, you will refer

to me as Herr Flick.

- Yes Herr Flick.

- And stand up when you talk to
me.

- Yes Herr Flick.

- Come here.

- Yes Herr Flick.

- You are wearing perfume.

- you gave it to me, Herr Flick.

- That is no excuse,
members of the German forces

should not wear perfume on
duty, even if they are girls.

Turn around.

At least your hair is tidy.

- Yes Herr Flick, wish
me to tell the colonel

that you're here?

- No, I will tell him myself.

- You wish me to kiss you?

- Well just a little one.

- Thank you Herr Flick.

- You're welcome.

Heil Hitler.

- Heil Hitler.

Your visit is unexpected, Herr
Flick.

- So it seems.

- We were just reading how
well the war was going.

- There is a very good picture
of the fuehrer on page three.

- I understand you shot a
saboteur.

- Yes Herr Flick.

- Were there any peasants
present at the execution?

- A few, Herr Flick.

- Did you take their names?

- Did you take their names,
Hans?

- I think there was one called
Bobbie.

- Fool.

- They might have been
members of the resistance.

- They might have been members
of the resistance, Hans.

- But you gave me no orders!

- That's no excuse, you
should have asked them their

names and addresses.

- You ask a French peasant
that, he drops his onions

and runs like the clapas.

- This being the case, you
must attend the funeral.

- Funeral?

- For the resistance he's
a hero, they will come to

pay their respects.

I will observe from a discrete
distance.

You will obtain names and
photographs, heil Hitler!

- Heil Hitler!

- Castez, that cockerel
hasn't taken his eyes off

you for the last hour.

- I suppose sitting in this
position he thinks I'm going

to lay an egg.

- I wish you would, I'm just
hungry.

- Oh, dinner time!

- It's that resistance girl,
Michelle.

- Hey chaps, sorry about
the cramped quarters.

I'm afraid you've got
to lie low a bit longer.

- It's not exactly luxurious
you know.

- Fairfax nearly fell
off his perch last night.

- I'm trying to get through
to London to get them to

send a plane for you.

- Oh good show!

By the way, we're jolly thirsty.

- See the button on that
feeder there, press it with

your nose and the trough
will fill with water.

- Oh, thanks awfully.

Toodaloo.

- Evette quick, I want you
upstairs!

Hurry, it's the virus.

- Mama, we have to use
the radio under your bed.

- Has Monsieur Maurice
proposed to you yet?

- Mama, Rene is not dead!

- I saw him fall, I
heard the shots with my

own ear trumpet!

Ah, he has come to haunt
me, call the police!

- It's just Rene, he is alive!

- No no no, he is a phantom!

See, my stick goes through him!

- You stupid old bat,
are you trying to kill

me or something?

- It is a curse, tell Maurice
your wedding is canceled.

- Take no notice of her, get
the bed up.

- Who is this Monsieur Maurice?

- He owns the Hotel
Grande Platz and the cafe.

- Why does she want you to
marry him?

- He has a bigger one than you
have.

- But Rene does more behind the
bar!

- This is true.

- Hello hello, this is
Nighthawk,

are you receiving me, over?

London is receiving you,

pass your message, over.

- The hens are still
in the hen house, over.

What is so
strange about that, over.

- The two air men want to go
home, over.

Please use the code, over.

- The hens are still
in the hen house, over!

Oh yeah Nighthawk,
now listen very carefully,

the big one will arrive at
midnight.

- Oh Monsieur Maurice,
what did I tell you!?

- Shut up!

- This means they are
dropping the consignment

that we have ordered.

That must be the new uniforms
for the German officers,

which they no longer need,
and the forged painting of

the fallen Madonna with the big
boobies.

- Thank you London, over
and out, and things.
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- Thank you London, over
and out, and things.

- There's a man downstairs,
he says he is an undertaker.

- What does he want?

- He has come to measure
you for the coffin.

- I forgot I was dead.

Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon, my name
is Alphonse, director of

funerals, my card.

- Oh thank you, "swiftly and
with style," I like that.

This is the wife, of my
brother Rene, the dead one.

- Charmed.

And this lady?

- Oh that is Evette.

- A servant girl.

- I used to work under the
deceased.

- Sad occasion.

- Tragic.

- Where is the body.

- Well we have been
moving him about a bit.

- Well I shall have to
take the measurement later,

but first we must decide on
some distressing details.

- Of course.

- Up first, the coffin.

Oak, elm, ash, pine.

Which do you favor?

- Do you not have
something a little bigger?

- These are samples of the wood!

- Oak is 35,000 frank.

Ash, 25,000 frank.

Elm 15,000, pine 10,000 frank.

- This is very expensive.

- Do you not have something in
orange box?

- He must have oak!

All of my neighbors will expect
it.

- Edith, I am paying for this!

- You want to humiliate me
in front of my neighbors?

- Well now, as you have chosen
the oak, you shall always

want the bronze handles.

They last longer.

- Why should this be an
advantage, we're not pulling

him up again.

- And a brass nameplate with
the letters inlaid in silver.

Might I suggest, "to my
beloved husband, sadly missed."

- Excuse me, may I say
something?

They shot him, you cannot
have "sadly missed."

- What does Madame suggest?

- He was brave, he died for
France.

- Long live the goal.

- Who?

The goal, you know, the one who
scampered.

- There should be a poem.

The rifle's fired, the bullets
hit,

oh we shall miss that little
man.

And pray it didn't hurt a bit.

- It will be 200 franks,
a letter of 12,000 franks.

- 12,000, just put "goodbye!"

- I will pay, there is
provision in the will.

- What will?

- I found it, it was in the
secret drawer of the bureau

in the dressing room of my
mother.

It leaves everything to me.

- There will very likely be
another will.

- Well now, it only
remains for me to measure,

if you will pardon me, the body.

- Oh that is no problem,
I am his twin brother,

you can measure me.

- Monsieur, I am professional,
we have already kept it,

if it ever leaked out that
I measured you instead of

the body, every undertaker
in France would laugh.

- Well that would be unusual,
I'm sure.

Well perhaps before you
measure, if you will pardon me,

the body, you would like a
cognac.

- Oh that is most kind.

- Evette.

Edith, when Monsieur Alphonse
has finished his cognac,

show him the body in the office.

- But Rene...

- Rene's body, that's right.

Monsieur Alphonse, I'm sure
you will forgive me if I

do not come with you, it is
very difficult

for me, you understand?

- Of course, of course Monsieur.

- It is the unquiet spirit of
my husband.

- Are we ready?

- I hope so.

Sorry, force of habit!

- Madame.

Pardon.

Why does he have flour on his
face?

- When he was arrested, he was
making rollie pollie pudding.

Just think, we will never
see his rollie pollie again.

- Before I go, I will
need the signature of the

brother-in-law.

- Where do you think he is at
the moment?

- I do not know, but I'm
sure he will join us in

the bar as soon as he can.

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- You finished?

- It is all done.

- How did he look?

- Terrible!

- Your signature, Monsieur.

- Of course.

Thank you sir.

- Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

- Oh.

- Thank you.

I have left my tape measure.

We'll get it for you.

- Who is that?

- Don't open the door
until I put the lid on.

- It's Michelle of the
resistance.

What does she want?

- Well how do I know, open
the door and find out!

- Quick, all of you inside!

- What is happening.

- Last night the picture
of the fallen Madonna with

the big boobies did not come
by parachute, these did.

We are being pursued by
German patrol, you must hide

them for us.

- Well what are they?

- Anti-tank mines.

Treat them very gently.

Keep your cool, and if
the Germans find them

you will be shot.

- Well at these prices I
cannot afford another funeral.

- We must go through the back!

- Well where am I supposed to
hide this?

- You will think of something,
but hurry, the Germans

may have seen us enter.

- Germans soldiers coming
towards us.

- Oh, quick, in the coffin!

Not you, these!

- What are all these
bottles doing in the coffin

of my husband!

- They are to make it
heavy, so that when they

lift it up they think that I am
in it!

Quick, the others, the rest!

Wait until I put the lid on.

- What do you want?

We demand entry, stand aside!

- Why do you bother a poor
woman in her time of grief?

- We are hunting members of
the resistance, and they came

in through this door.

- We thought they were
customers, but they came
straight

through and out the back.

- Did you see their faces?

- No, we were busy doing the
screwing.

- What's going on, what
were the soldiers doing?

- They were following the
resistance.

- Rene, you must stop seeing
those people.

If Herr Flick finds out,
he will make you talk.

- And you might tell him about
us.

- Oh God, I would die
before I did that Colonel.

- I will try to arrange it.

Now, did you put the
weights in the coffin.

- Yes Colonel, yes I just
finished.

- Hans, the black pants.

- Ah.

- Are you coming to the
funeral, Colonel?

- Of course.

- We were very fond of you.

- One word of warning, Herr
Flick will be observing

from the bushes.

Make sure no members of
the resistance are there.

- Oh of course Colonel,
thank you for telling me.

- What's that?

- I paid for the bells,
oh the whole village of

Nuvion will come to pay their
respects.

- How much did they cost?

- It was very cheap, 100 franks
a bong.

You are adding 50 bongs.

What is this?

- It's the choir.

- How much do they cost?

- Well they said you
would give them the usual,

an then they giggled so I
didn't think...

- They look very beautiful
standing there

with their candles.

I'd like this when my turn
comes.

- Or even before.

- Shut up!

What on earth is he doing here?

- He was 500 franks, the
real priest was $3,000!

- Good choice, Edith.

- We are gathered here
to pay respects to our

good friend, Rene.

One, two, three, four.

♪ Have Maria

- Do you know?

- Your guess is as good as mine.

- Something is happening, we
must move to

a better position.

- The back of the car, Herr
Flick?

- To observe the funeral.

- There's only a handful
of my friends here.

I thought you said the
whole village of Nuvion was

turning out to mourn my passing.

- Nuvion rangers are playing
away.

Rene, hold onto my arm.

- Are you going to faint?

- No, I cannot see.

Rene, do you think the
resistance will be very cross

with us because we are
burying the anti-tank mines

in a coffin?

- That is their funeral, this
is mine.

- Do you think we should
goosestep?

- No Hans, that would be very
poor taste.

It's bad enough we have with
us the man who shot him.

- I was obeying orders, I was
most upset.

As I uttered the word "fire" I
felt

a complete order.

- This will do, they cannot see
us here.

You will bend over and touch
your toes.

- What do you have in mind,
Herr Flick?

- I wish to steady my
binoculars.

- What is wrong, hurry up!

- Who has the key?

- The priest has the key!

- Not you, the real priest!

- Where is he?

- He probably sent off
for the Nuvion rangers!

- We have had it.

- What is the problem?

- The priest has forgotten the
key.

- Should I shoot off the lock?

- If it wasn't for you and
your shooting we wouldn't

be here in the first place.

- Can you all come back
tomorrow?

- He won't keep until tomorrow.

- Look at that.

- Oh eck, the mines!

- Something very strange is
happening.

- What I that, Herr Flick?

- The coffin and all
the mourners are heading

in this direction.

- Should we move to another
position?

- No, we are quite safe here.

- That was very amusing!

That was not so amusing.