All language subtitles for animal-crackers.1930

♪You must do your best tonight
Be on your toes, men♪

♪There's another guest tonight
It's one of those men♪

♪Who are being feted
by the smart set♪

♪We'll see that he gets
what he deserves♪

♪Treat him as they do a king
in manner royal ♪

♪ Like a subject to a king
you must be loyal ♪

♪On this object
you must have your heart set♪

♪We'll do nothing
to get on his nerves♪

♪Again I mention
be on your toes, men♪

♪ He craves attention
He's one of those men♪

♪Yes, sir,we will give him
just what he deserves♪♪

Oh, Hives? Yes,
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

I'd like to make changes in the
assignment of the rooms. Very good, madam.

Put Mr. Chandler
in the blue suite.

Capt. Spaulding,
as guest of honor,

will have the green duplex
with the two baths. Two, madam?

I think the captain would
like two baths, don't you?

If he's just returned from
Africa, he may need two baths.

Mr. Roscoe W Chandler.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,well!

Mr. Chandler.

So nice
to see you.

The famous Beaugard,
as I have promised.

How can I ever express
my gratitude?

Oh, 'tis nothing.
Nothing?

You return from Europe with a
masterpiece valued at $100,000...

and instead of
displaying it yourself,

you allow me to unveil it
in honor of Capt. Spaulding.

Do you call that nothing?
Mrs. Rittenhouse, I--

Will you please remove that
to the place...

where it is to be
exhibited? Very good, sir.

Careful, please.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
you think that is something?

It is nothing compared to what
I would like to do for you.

You area very beautiful
woman. No, Mr. Chandler.

Well... maybe I'm wrong. What?

Please do not go. I
love you. I know, but--

Let me hold your hand.
I love you.

Careful-- Hello,
Mother. Playing house?

Well, if
you'll pardon me.

Have you seen Johnny
Parker? I wish you'd get...

Johnny Parker out of your mind
and show respect to Mr. Chandler.

You don't take these
social affairs seriously.

What would you suggest?
Suicide?

I would suggest--
[Honking]

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
Capt. Spaulding has arrived!

Splendid.
Oh, I'm so glad.

My friends,
Capt. Spaulding has arrived.

♪At last we are to meet him
the famous Capt. Spaulding♪

♪ From climates hot and scalding
the captain has arrived♪

♪ Most heartily we'll greet him
with plain and fancy cheering♪

♪ Until he's hard of hearing
The captain has arrived♪

♪At last the captain
has arrived♪♪

Mr. Horatio W.Jamison,

field secretary
to Capt. Spaulding.

♪I represent the captain who
insists on my in forming you♪

♪Of these conditions
under which he camps here♪

♪In one thing he is very strict
he wants his women young♪

♪And as for men, he won't
have any tramps here♪

♪As for men, he won't
have any tramps here♪

♪There must be
no tramps♪

♪The men must all be very old
the women warm, champagne cold♪

♪It's under these conditions
that he camps here♪

I'm announcing Capt. Geoffrey Spaulding

♪ He's announcing
Capt. Geoffrey Spaulding♪

♪Oh, dear,
he is coming♪

♪At last he's here♪♪

♪♪[ Fanfare]

Well,what
do I owe you?

[African Gibberish]

What? From Africa
to here, $1.85?

I told you not to take me
through Australia.

You should have come up
Lincoln Boulevard.

I wanna see your license plates.
I don't think you're on the square.

Capt. Spaulding. I'll
attend to you later.

Capt. Spaulding. You're one of
the most beautiful women I've seen.

That's not saying much
for you. Capt. Spaulding,

Rittenhouse Manor
is at your disposal.

I'm certainly grateful forth is
magnificent wash out... turnout.

Now I'd like
to say a few words.

♪ Hello
I must be going♪

♪I cannot stay, I came to say
I must be going♪

♪I'm glad I came, but just
the same I must be going♪

♪ For my sake
you must stay♪

♪If you should go away you'd
spoil this party I am throwing♪

♪I'll stay
a week or two♪

♪I'll stay
the summer through♪

♪ But I am telling you♪

♪I must be... going♪

♪ Before you go
will you oblige us♪

♪And tell us of
your deeds so glowing♪

♪I'll do anything you say In
fact, I'll even stay♪ ♪Good♪

♪ But I must be...
going♪

♪There's something
that I'd like to say♪

♪That he's too modest
to relate♪

♪The captain is a moral man
Sometimes he finds it trying♪

♪This fact I'll emphasize
I never take a drink unless♪

♪Somebody's buying♪ ♪The
captain is a very moral man♪

♪If he hears anything obscene
he'll naturally repel it♪

♪I hate a dirty joke
I do♪

♪ Unless it's told by someone
who... knows how to tell it♪

♪The captain is
a very moral man♪

♪ Hooray for Capt. Spaulding
the African explorer♪

♪ Did someone call me Schnorer♪
♪ Hooray, hooray, hooray♪

♪ He went into the jungles where
all the monkeys throw nuts♪

♪I'll stay here I'll go nuts♪
♪ Hooray, hooray, hooray♪

♪ He put all his reliance
in courage and defiance♪

♪And risked his life
for science♪ Hey, hey!

♪ He is the only white man who covered
every acre♪ ♪ Hooray, hooray, hooray♪

♪ He put all his reliance
in courage and defiance♪

♪And risked his life
for science♪ Hey, hey!

♪ Hooray for Capt. Spaulding
the African explorer♪

♪ He brought his name
undying fame♪

♪And that is why we say
hooray, hooray, hooray♪

My friends, I'm gratified
at this display of effusion.

I want you to know-- ♪ Hooray for
Capt. Spaulding the African explorer♪

♪ He brought his name
undying fame♪

♪And that is why we say
hooray, hooray, hooray♪

My friends, I'm gratified
at this display of effusion.

I want you to know-- ♪ Hooray for
Capt. Spaulding the African explorer♪

♪ He brought his name
undying fame♪

♪And that is why we say
hooray, hooray, hooray♪

My friends, I'm gratified
at this display of effusion.

I want you to know... ♪ Hooray for
Capt. Spaulding the African explorer♪♪

Well, somebody's got
to do it! Capt. Spaulding?

It is a great honor to welcome
you to my poor home. It isn't so bad.

Needless to say-- I think
you're right. It is pretty bad.

It's one of the frowsiest joints
I've ever seen. Why, Captain!

You're letting
this place run down.

And you're not getting the
class of people you used to.

Why,you've got people here
that look like you!

We'll put up a sign,
((Place under new management."

We'll set up a 75 cent meal
that will knock their eyes out.

After we knock their eyes out,we
can charge them anything we want.

Now give me your check
for $1,500.

With this insurance, you've provided
for your little ones and your old age...

which will be here in a couple of
weeks, if I'm any judge of horse flesh.

Madam, ((The time has come,"
the walrus said-- Capt. Spaulding!

You stand before meas one
of the bravest men of all times.

All right, I'll do that. In
the dark forests of Africa,

there has been no danger
you have not dared.

You mind if
I don't smoke?

Fearlessly you have
blazed new trails,

scornful of the lion's roar and
the cannibal's tom-tom. Says you!

Never once in all those
months did your footsteps falter.

Cowardice is unknown
to you.

Fear is not in you!

Pardon me, a caterpillar. Aaah!

Put him over here.

It must have been the
caterpillar that frightened him.

Don't stand there.
Get the whiskey!

The whiskey?The whiskey?
Where is the whiskey?

It's in my little black bag
in the right-hand corner.

.[Fanfare]

Signor Emanuel Ravelli.

How do you do?
How do you do?

Where's the dining
room? I'm surprised.

I used to know a fellow who looked
like you named Emanuel Ravelli.

Are you his brother?
I am Emanuel Ravelli.

You're Emanuel Ravelli?
I'm Emanuel Ravelli.

No wonder you look like him,
but I insist there's a resemblance.

Hey, he thinks
I lookalike.

If you do, it's a
tough break for both of you.

You are one of the musicians. You were
not due till tomorrow. That's too quick.

You're lucky they
didn't come yesterday.

We were busy yesterday,
but we charge just the same.

This is better
than exploring.

What do you fellows get an
hour? For playing, $10 an hour.

What do you get
for not playing? $12.

Clip me off
a piece of that.

For rehearsing,we make
special rate, $15 an hour.

What do you get for not
rehearsing? You couldn't afford it.

If we don't rehearse,
we don't play.

If we don't play...
that runs into money.

How much to run
into an open manhole?

Just the
cover charge.

Drop in sometime.
Sewer.

We cleaned that up
pretty well.

Let's see how we
stand. Flat-footed.

Remember,yesterday we
didn't come. I remember.

That's $300.

Yesterday you didn't come.
That's $300? That's $300.

That's reasonable.
I can see that.

Today we did come.
That's-- $100you owe us.

I bet I'm gonna lose
on the deal.

Tomorrow we leave. That's
worth about... A million dollars.

That's all right for me,
but I got a partner. What?

The professor!

The gates swung open
and a Fig Newton entered.

How do you do?
[ Beep]

Goodness!

You haven't got chocolate,
have you?

[Ravelli] Ha-ha.
He's got everything

Hives, take the professor's
hat and coat.

And send for
the fumigators.

Oh, my goodness!
Bonjour! J'ai mal auxdents.

There are ladies present.
What do you think this is?

Put that hat down. What
you do there? Get out.

[Mrs. Rittenhouse]
Don't go near those guns!

[Chirping.]

[Chirping]

[Chirping]

[ Raspberry Sound]

.[Fife and Drum.um]

A little more to the right.
Uh-uh, that's better.

See that the drape
is well-hung.

The mistress will inspect it
before the unveiling. Hello, Hives!

Mrs.Whitehead,
this is a surprise.

And how about me? Miss
Grace,you've grown so in the last year.

You haven't lost any
weight yourself. [Chuckle]

Unfortunately not.

Hives, it seems strange to find you
working here instead of in our home.

After you left for Europe, Mrs. Rittenhouse
was good enough to make mean offer.

Lovely!
Oh, by the way,

what's the secret
about the painting?

No secret. It's Beaugard's
((Afte rthe Hunt."

The original?
Most original.

Be careful!

Where did she get hold
of that, do you suppose?

Is it very valuable? Is it?
It must be worth a fortune.

Sis,we yield the social
honors to Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Isn't there something we can
do? We might shoot ourselves.

I'd rather shoot
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Say,
I have an idea.

I copied that painting in art
school a year ago. Well,what of it?

I still don't get it. I'll go
home and get the copy.

We'll substitute it
for the original.

When she unveils it, what'll
she have? An imitation,

and I must admit, a very poor
one. Grace,you're wonderful.

That's what I've
been telling you.

I won't be long. All
right. See you later.

Hives?

Do you still feel there's
a strong bond between us?

Most certainly,
Mrs.Whitehead.

Strong enough for you to do
me a big favor? Anything a tall.

Suppose I were to ask you to take
away the Beaugard? What?You mean--

Temporarily, of course. And
substitute something of my own.

I'd consider it rather an
unusual request. It is, Hives.

But some how I still think of
you as one of the White heads.

You may count on me.

My soul is yours...
even though my body...

may belong to Mrs.
Rittenhouse. Why, Hives!

Oh, Mrs.Whitehead.
Arabella!

May l present Mr. Parker?
Of the Massachusetts Parkers?

Why, no. Then the
southern Parkers?

Oh, no!
The central Parkers.

You know, the
benches and trees. I see!

Meow!

Oh! I don't like
that woman.

Never mind.You come here
and tell me whom you do like.

Oh!
So that's your game.

Listen, do you
really love me?

Why don't you marry me
and find out.

Marry you?
Ha! On what?

Last year l sold two paintings:
one at $100, one at $50.

Could we live
on $150 a year?

We wouldn't need
any money!

I've got a charge account
in every shop on 5th Avenue.

Well, if I
had any brains,

I'd give up painting
and get a regular job.

I had a cousin who made
$50,000 on Wall Street last year.

I don't want
to marry your cousin.

I'm a darn fool.
I want to marry you.

Say,why don't we get that old bluff,
Chandler, to buy a portrait from you?

Chandler?What does
he know about art?

The less he knows, the
easier for you to sell him.

They're upstairs.
You can't miss them.

Go around to
the other side.

Mrs. Rittenhouse?

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, Capt. Spaulding,
how are you?

Tell me,
are you alone?

Captain,
I don't understand.

What? Don't give me that
innocent stuff or you'll be alone!

A big cluck like you
turning cute on me!

Mrs. Rittenhouse?
Yes?

You've been affected like this
yourself, haven't you?

Oh, no, Captain.
Well,you will be.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
ever since I met you,

I've swept you oft
my feet.

Something's been throbbing
within me,

beating like the tom-tom
in the primitive jungle.

There's something I
must ask you. What is it?

Would you wash out a pair
of socks for me? I'm surprised.

It's been on my mind
for weeks.

It's my way of telling you
that I love you.

Captain, Mrs.Whitehead.
I beg your pardon.

Am I intruding?
Are you intruding?

Just when I had her
on the five-yard line.

I should say
you are intruding!

Pardon me, I was using the
subjunctive instead of the past tense.

Yes,we're way past tents.
We're living in bungalows now.

This is a mechanical age,
of course.

Mrs.Whitehead, you
haven't met Capt. Spaulding.

No, I haven't.
How are you?

How are you? I'm fine,
thank you. And how are you?

And how are you?

That leaves you
one up.

Did anyone ever tell you
you had beautiful eyes? No.

Well,you have.
And so have you!

He shot her a glance...

as a smile
played around his lips.

I don't think l've ever seen
four more beautiful eyes.

Well, three anyway.
You two girls have everything.

You're tall, short, slim and
stout, blonde and brunette.

That's just the kind
of a girl I crave!

We three would make
an ideal couple.

You've got beauty, charm, money.
You have money, haven't you?

If you haven't,
we can quit right now.

The captain is charming,
isn't he? I'm fascinated.

I'm fascinated too.
Right on the arm.

Whim-wham.
I'll were Eugene O'Neill,

I could tell you what
I really think of you two.

You're fortunate the theater
guild isn't putting this on...

and so is the guild.

Pardon me while I have
a strange interlude.

Why you
couple of baboons,

what makes you think
I'd marry either one of you?

Strange how the wind
blows tonight.

It has a thin eerie voice.
Reminds me of poor Marsden.

How happy l could be
with either of these two...

if both of them
just went away.

Well,what do you say, girls?
Will you marry me?

Captain, which one
of us? Both of you.

Let's all get married.
This is my party.

Party. Party.

Here I am talking
to parties.

I came here for a party.
What happens?

Nothing.
Not even ice cream.

The gods look down
and laugh.

This would be a better world
for children...

if the parents had
to eat the spinach.

What do you say, girls?
Are we going to get married?

All of us?
All of us!

That's bigamy. Yes,
and it's big of me too!

Let's be big. I'm sick
of conventional marriages.

One woman and one man was
good enough for your grandmother,

but who wants to marry your grandmother?
Nobody. Not even your grandfather.

Think of the honeymoon,
strictly private.

I wouldn't let
another woman in on this.

Maybe one or two, but no men!
I may not go myself.

Are you suggesting companion
ate marriage? It's got advantages.

You could live with your folks
and I could live with your folks.

And you...
could sell Fuller brushes.

Living with
your folks.

Living with your folks,
the beginning of the end.

Drab dead yesterdays shutting
out beautiful tomorrows.

Hideous stumbling footsteps creaking
along the misty corridors of time.

In those corridors,
I see figures,

strange figures,
weird figures:

steel 186,
anaconda 74,

American Can 138.

Let's see.
Where were we?

Oh yes!We were
about to get married.

Do you think we really
ought to get married?

I think marriage is a
very noble institution.

[Whinnying]

It's the foundation
of the American home.

But the trouble is, it was put
over on the American people...

while our boys were over there and
our girls were over here. [Giggling]

I've been waiting at the bottom
of these stairs for years...

for just such
a momentas this.

Captain,where are you
going? I'm sorry, ladies,

I'm afraid we're gonna have
to postpone the wedding...

for a few days,
maybe for a few years.

Before I get married, I'm going
to sow a couple of wild oats.

The captain's so
amusing. Isn't he charming?

So that's the famous
Beaugard, eh?

It's a great picture, isn't
it? You've seen it before?

Seen it? I spent three days
in Paris copying it. You did?

Me and a million
other young artists.

I bet your copy was better
than any of them.

It wasn't bad
at that.

I'll show it to you
sometime.

Listen.
What?

Mother's going to
unveil it tonight. Yeah.

Suppose...

Suppose when she unveils it,
it's not the Beaugard?

Suppose it's yours!

Put my copy in place of
the Beaugard? Exactly.

Arabella,you're crazy.
What good would that do?

What good? Listen.
They'll unveil it.

Chandler will tell everybody
how fine it is.

They'll all cheer
their heads off...

and then we'll tell them
who really painted it.

You'll get six commissions
for paintings...

and we can be married
and divorced in no time.

Well,
that sounds great.

But what if they don't like my panting?

Well, isn't the chance
worth taking?

Ah, I see you're admiring
my picture. Yes,yes.

Your picture?
Yes, my picture.

It don't look
like you.

Wait. Someplace I met you
before. Your face is familiar.

I'm one of the most
well-known men in America.

The newspapers will keep
on running my photograph.

You're not Abe
Kabbible? Oh, nonsense!

If you're not A be Kabbible,
who are you?

Chandler is my name,
Roscoe W. Chandler.

But I don't care
about the name.

Someplace I met you.
Your face is very familiar.

Wait.Were you ever
in Sing Sing? Please!

No.Ah, ah.
I got it.

Joliet?
Leave me alone!

All right,
don't run away.

Leavenworth? I have
never been in these places.

I spend most of my
time in Europe. Europe.

I got it now.

You come from
Czechoslovakia. You are wrong.

You come from--
Hey, come here.

I tell you--
Please getaway!

You remember him.
Who was he?

He comes from Czechoslovakia.
You are mistaken.

He comes from Czechoslovakia
and I know who it is.

That's Abie the fish peddler
from Czechoslovakia.

Ridiculous! You
are wrong. Wait,wait.

We prove it.
He had a birthmark.

Please!
What are you--

On the arm.
On the leg.

On the foot,
the mustache.

Ah-ha!
There it is.

There is the birthmark.
Abie thefish man.

I confess.
I was Abie the peddler.

How did you get to be
Roscoe W. Chandler?

How did you get to bean
Italian? Whose confession is this?

Boys, for heaven's sake,
don't say anything.

I think we can come
to some agreement...

which would be
mutually satisfactory.

Money. Shall we say... $500?

Piker! $500! That
is all the cash I have.

I tell you what we do.
We'll take your l.O.U.

I've given you my best offer.
That's all you will get. That's all?

♪Abie the fish man
Abie the fish man♪

♪Abie the fish man
Abie the fish man♪

Please be quiet!

I have a check for $5,000.
I give it to you.

Is it good?
Of course it is good.

Who would give me
a bad check? I would.

Hey,
see if it's good.

If you don't want the check, then
that is all you will get. That's all?

♪Abie the fish man Abie
the fish man♪ Please!

♪Abie the fish man
Abie the fish man♪ Quiet!

♪Abie the fish man♪

Here! Give me
that handkerchief.

My tie!
Where is my tie?

You're nothing
but a pair of thieves.

I get-a the tie.
What do you got?

The birthmark!

Hey, where's your tie? Well, I--

That's a fine way for a
millionaire to be running around.

Have you got garters?
Of course I have garters.

Oh!They've taken my
garters too! A likely story.

Turning collegiate, eh?
Have you got socks?

Certainly. Here they
are. You have got socks.

They look pretty old.
Whose are they?

Old socks,
let me introduce myself.

My name is Capt. Spaulding.
I am Roscoe W. Chandler.

This is a treat...
your treat.

You have heard about me?
Yes... for a great many years.

I'm getting
darn sicko fit too.

Quite naturally, I've also heard
of the great Capt. Spaulding.

I've heard of you
and you've heard of me.

Have you ever heard the one
about the two Irishmen? Oh,yes!

Now that I've got you in
hysterics, let's get to business.

My name is Capt. Spaulding.
I am Roscoe W. Chandler.

I'm Geoffrey T. Spaulding. I bet you
don't know what the ((T" stands for.

Thomas?
Edgar.

You were close though
and you still are.

This is what I want
to talk to you about.

How would you like to finance a
scientific expedition? That is a question.

You certainly know
a question when you see it.

I congratulate you and that
brings us back to where we were.

How would you like to finance
a scientific expedition?

Any particular kind
of an expedition?

There's one thing I always
wanted to do before I quit.

What is that?
Retire.

I've always had an idea
that my retirement...

would be the greatest contribution
to science the world has ever known.

When I think what you
have done forth is country--

What have you done for this
country? I've tried to do what I could,

especially in the
world of art. Art?

What is your opinion
of art?

I am very glad you asked
me! I withdraw the question.

This fellow takes things seriously. It
isn't safe to ask him a simple question.

Where are you planning on putting
your new opera house? Near Central Park.

Why don't you put it right
in Central Park? Could we?

Do it at night when no one is
looking. Put it in the reservoir.

Of course that might interfere
with the water supply.

But we must remember
that art is art.

On the other hand,
water is water;

east is east,
and west is west.

If you take cranberries
and stew them like apple sauce...

it tastes more like prunes
than rhubarb does.

You tell me what
you know. Well...

I would be glad to give you
my opinion. That's dandy.

I'll ask you someday.
Remind me,will you?

Could you come to my
office at 10:00 tomorrow?

Ask for Mr.Jamison,
my secretary.

If he sees you,
I'll discharge him.

Saturday at 3:00.
Better make it 2:00.

I'm going
to Europe Monday.

My name is Spaulding.
I've always wanted to meet you.

What do you think of
the traffic problem?

What do you think of at night
when you go to bed,you beast?

I'll tell you-- I'd rather
not discuss it any further.

Remember, there
are children present.

You see, my dear Captain,
it is a question of money.

A nickel today isn't what
it used to be ten years ago.

I'll go further.The nickel
is not what it was 15 years ago.

You know what this country
needs today? A 7 cent nickel.

We've been using
the 5 cent nickel since 1492.

That's pretty near 100 years,
daylight saving.

Why not give the
7 cent nickel a chance?

Next year we could have
an 8 cent nickel.

You could buy a 3 cent newspaper
and get the same nickel back.

One nickel carefully used
would last a family a lifetime.

I think that is
a wonderful idea.

Then there can't be
much to it.

Forget about it.

Tell me, Capt. Chandler,
excuse me, Spaulding.

Spaulding, that's right.
I'm Spaulding,you're Chandler.

Let's have no more of that.
It's bad enough being Spaulding.

Tell me, Capt. Spaulding,
Spaulding is the name? That's right.

I'm Chan-- I'm Spaulding--
Could I look at a program?

I might be the ((newsweekly,"
or((Coming Next Week."

Capt. Spaulding,you've
been quite a traveler.

What do you think about South
America? I'm going there soon.

Where are you going? Uruguay.

You go Uruguay
and I'll go mine.

Take the foreign situation.
Take Abyssinia.

I'll tell you,
you take Abyssinia...

and I'll take a hot butterscotch
sundae on rye bread.

Let's go and see what the boys
in the backroom will have.

Let's see how yours
compares with the original.

All right, let's.

Oh! I don't see
any difference.

Look closer. Maybe
you'll find it better. Oh,you!

[ Beep, Beep]

You see my partner? No.

Oh,yoo-hoo.

Bellissima ragazza, avete
la faccia di una madonna.

Oh, Mr. Ravioli.

Ravelli.
Mr. Ravelli,

I want you to do
something for me.

I do anything.What
do you want I should do?

You see that
painting? This picture?

Take that out of the frame
and put this in its place.

You want I should take this one
down and put this one upstairs.

Yes, that's it. You
want I should steal!

Oh, no!
It's not stealing.

Then I couldn't do it.

Oh, Mr. Ravioli!
Oh, no, no, no.

[ Beep, Beep]

[ Beep, Beep] Hey,
get up. Come here.

That's all you do,
chase the women.

Aw, stop!

Everybody here plays cards.
They don't ask us.

We waste the time.
We been here all day.

How much-awe make?
We make-a nothing.

We gonna live on-a charity,
then go to the old ladies home.

How do you like that?

No, no.
That's-a no good!

These people here
all got-a money.

We gotta get someone
to play with us.

I play anything.
Oh, Signor Ravelli,

I want to speak to you
about the music.

What's the matter
with you?

It would be nice--
Go away from me.

What is this?
That's all right.

Hello, Professor.What's
the matter with his feet?

We play all kinds
of games.

We play blackjack,
soccer--

What's the matter?

[Confused Chatter]

For heaven's sake,
what is the matter with you?

Í wouldn't have had
this happen for the world

Come on!
Atta boy!

Go away from me!
Oh!

One... two... three.

[Bell]
Atta boy.

I must get them out.

I must get them out
of here!

You see how terrible
he looks!

I'

You better get Hives.

[Bell]

Oh, this is terrible.

Aaah! She can't take it there.

Aaah!

Aaah!
Go away from me!

This is dreadful.

Well,why don't
you leave him alone?

Stop!

Now that this game is over,
how about playing bridge?

You play bridge?
I play bridge a little.

What do you play for?
We play for small stakes.

And French fried
potatoes?

Set it up over there,
Hives. Very good, madam.

[Mrs. Rittenhouse]
What in the world is he up to?

Look at this.

Íf it isn't one thing, it's another.

Oh, Hives!

Take it away,
Hives.

Extraordinary.
We'll play over here.

How do you want to play?
Honest?

I hope so.

You put that
right away.

It's your
own fault.

Come along.
We'll cut for partners.

He's my partner.
That's the only way we play.

It's against the rules.
We have to cut for partners.

All right.
We cut for partners.

I got ace of spades.
He's got ace of spades.

That's what you call
((quincidences."

Two aces of spaces? Yeah,
he's got thousands of 'em.

I suppose that gives him
the choice of seats.

You have
the choice of seats.

Good heavens! Not
on her lap. Come on!

What's the matter
with him? I don't know.

He thought it was contact
bridge. Shuffle the cards.

You got to
scrumble them up a bit.

I'd like to cut
those cards.

That's-a better.

Your bid,
partner.

You pass?

Misdeal.

You pass?
I bid one spade.

I pass.
Three spades.

Four spades.

One club. I don't understand
this kind of bidding!

Well,you don't
have to understand.

You bid four spades,
huh?

Why, I haven't a spade
in my hand! We double.

There's something wrong.
Go over the bidding.

Hey, she wants to start 'm
up again, the bidding.

He bids one. One? One what?

That's all right.
You find out.

We have to know what he's
bidding. We tell you later.

Now I bid two.

Two what? Two of
the same he bids.

The bidding's over.
That's enough bidding.

It's your lead.

No,you
can't lead that.

Why not?
We can't take it.

What should I lead? Ace.

Ace of spades.
That's very good.

Three of spades,
four of spades--

You trump it?

That's what you
call a finesse. Oh!

No spades, partner.
No spades!

Ace of hearts.

Ace of clubs.

Dummy leads.
The dummy leads.

I'm not the dummy!
Well,you could be.

Ace of diamonds.

One hundred aces,
huh?

Two hundred?
That's better.

Ace of hearts.
Atta boy, make a big slam.

Make a big,
big slam!

Ace of spades.

Ace of spades.

That's-a good.
He plays a good game.

Ace of spades.
He plays a fine game.

Ace of-- I refuse
to play any longer.

You're nothing but card
sharks. Good heavens!

What's the matter?
My shoes are gone!

He has your slippers.
Come along!

Hey,you take-a
the lady's shoes, huh?

[Thunder.]

Shh! Shh!

Shh! Quiet.

Quiet, quiet.

[Door Slams ] Quiet!
Hide. Somebody's coming

íI make a mistake.
Get up, come on.

You know what
we gotta do, eh?

We gotta take-a that picture out
and put this one upstairs for the lady.

Wait! No touch.
You got everything ready?

The shovel, the axe,
the dynamite, the pineapples?

Where's the flash?

That's-a no flash.

There's a flash.

That's a flash.

Yeah,
that's a flash.

That's a fish!
I no want a fish.

Flash.Aw, stop it.
You act crazy.

When you go out in the night,
you gotta have-a the flash.

That's-a no flash.
That's a flask.

When you wanna see somebody,
you gotta have-a the flash.

That's a flush.
What I gonna do with a flush?

A flash.
No flit.

What am I gonna do
with a flits?

What do you got?

That's whatcha
call-a flutes.

All you got is a fish,
a flutes, a flits and a flutes.

Stop!
Where's the flash?

Look,when everything
is a light...

and you wanna make 'em a dark,
what do you do?

You're crazy.
I don't want no blackjack.

That's-a my mistake.

When everything is dark,
and you wanna make 'em light--

Yeah, that's a flash.
That's a flash.

[Thunder.]

Hey, that's-a good,
all right.

The storm put the lights out.
Nobody can see what we do.

That's-a fine.
Where's the flash?

Where's the flash?

I no want the fish!
The flash!

No, no flute!

What's the matter
with you, eh?

Before the people come,
get-a the flash.

What's the matter?
You lose it?

You gotta find it.
Look for it.

Never mind.
We'll work without it.

[Thunder.]

Yes, madam. Hide!
Hide! Somebody's coming.

[Shrieking]
Hide, hide, hide.

Quiet! Shut up!

Be quiet.
I know where you are.

It's all right.

Oh, Capt. Spaulding?
Capt. Spaulding,where are you?

Here.
Oh, Captain.

What's the trouble? The
storm has put the lights out...

and you can't see your hand
before your face.

You wouldn't get much enjoyment out of that.

I don't know what you're gonna
do, but I'm gonna take a nap.

Leave me a call for 3:00.
[Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo]

Make it 3:30.
[Cuck--]

You certainly get
service around here.

Pardon me, Mrs. Rittenhouse,
did you lose a fish? What?

Somebody lost it. Take it out in
the kitchen and have it fried for me.

[Clunk, Clunk] Did you hear
that? There's somebody over there.

[Clunk] I say, there's
somebody over there!

Don't be silly.
The house is just settling.

Anybody over there?
[Ravelli] I don't see anybody

If there's anybody there,
he'd see him,wouldn't I?

[Clink, Clunk]

Oh,what is it?
Captain,what is it?

You know what I think?
I think you got roaches.

[Clunk, Clink]

[Coughing]

Yes,you got roaches,
all right.

And the biggest one
has got asthma.

Oh, this is terrible.
Captain, let's get out of here.

We get-a the picture.
We don't make one sound.

Hey! Somebody
put on the lights.

We get-a the picture.
We don't make one sound.

Let's go.
Get out of here.

[Whistling] What do
you want? Oh, the fish.

[Thunder.]

That's some storm,
huh?

That's a regular
tornado.

Let's go this way.
It's a shortcut.

Come on, let's go.

[Chirping.] Ha-ha! California!

And now, my friends,

before we start
the musical program,

Capt. Spaulding has consented
to tell us about his trip to Africa.

Capt. Spaulding.
Me?

Friends, I'm
going to tell you...

of that mysterious, wonderful
continent known as Africa.

Africa is God's country...
and he can have it.

We left New York drunk and early
on the morning of February 2nd.

After 15 days on the water
and six on the boat,

we finally arrived
on the shores of Africa.

We proceeded 300 miles into the heart
of the jungle where I shot a polar bear.

This bear was 6' 7" in his
stocking feet. Pardon me, Captain.

I always thought that polar
bears lived in the frozen north.

This bear was anemic
and couldn't stand the cold.

He was a rich bear and could
afford to go away in the winter.

You take care of your animals
and I'll take care of mine!

Frozen north, my eye.

From the day of our arrival,
we led an active life.

The first morning saw us up at 6:00,
breakfasted and back in bed at 7:00.

This was our routine.

We finally got so we
were back in bed at 6:30.

One morning, I was sitting in front
of the cabin smoking some meat.

Smoking some meat? There wasn't
a cigar store in the neighborhood.

I was sitting in front of the
cabin when I bagged six tigers.

Oh, Captain,
did you catch six tigers?

I bagged them to go away,
but they hung around.

They were the most persistent
tigers I've ever seen.

The principal animals
inhabiting the African jungle...

are moose, elks
and Knights of Pythias.

You all know what a moose is.
That's big game.

The first dayl shot two bucks,
the biggest game we had.

As I say,you all know
what a moose is.

A moose runs on the floor, eats
cheese and is chased by the cats.

The elks, on the other hand,
live up in the hills.

In the spring, they come down
for their annual convention.

It is interesting to watch
them come to the water hole.

You should see them run when
they find it's only a water hole!

What they're looking for
is an ((elk-a-hole."

One morning I shot an
elephant in my pajamas.

How he got in my pajamas,
I don't know.

We tried to remove
the tusks.

The tusks.
That's not easy to say.

Try that sometime.
Oh, simple. Tusks.

My name is Spaulding. I've
wanted to meet you, Mr. Chandler.

As I say,we tried
to remove the tusks.

They were embedded in so firmly
we couldn't bust them.

Of course, in Alabama,
the ((Tuscaloosa."

That's entirely ir-elephant
to what I was talking about.

We took pictures of the native
girls, but they weren't developed.

But we're going back
in a couple of weeks.

Avery enlightening speech.
Hooray for Capt. Spaulding.

Three cheers
for Capt. Spaulding.

Three cheers
for Capt. Spaulding.

Three cheers-- No
one asked for chairs.

Put them where you
found them. Goon, goon.

Go with your chairs.
Get out!

Goon, goon,you.

Friends, Signor Ravelli
will oblige us at the piano.

Signor Ravelli.

Signor Ravelli's first
selection will be...

((Somewhere My Love Lies
Sleeping"with a male chorus.

If you get near a song,
play it.

I can't think
of the finish.

That's strange. I can't
think of anything else.

You know what I think?
I think I went past it.

If you come around again,
jump off.

I once kept this up
for three days.

You wouldn't consider
hush money,would you?

I can't get him now, I've
got to wait for inspiration.

It's about time.

Play the song about
Montreal. Montreal?

((I'm a Dreamer,
Montreal." I don't know that.

I play one of my own compositions
by Victor Herbert. Make it short.

He plays
'em both well.

The old red team scored
that time,

so did the
old blue one.

Why do you push, huh?
Please stop them.

Let them alone.They may
exterminate each other,

the best thing that can
happen for either of them.

[Speaking Italian]
And once for old Purdue.

I was afraid
of that.

I thought I had the finish.
I wish you did. Yours.

Play the song about the Irish
chiropodist. Irish chiropodist?

((My Fate Is
In Your Hands."

♪♪[Gibberish]

Is there a horse in the house?
They've got everything else.

And now...
Mrs. ((Rittenrotten--"

Mrs. Rittenhouse. Yes, a slight
error. I have a surprise for you.

The man is here for
the piano. Oh, Captain.

When I departed from
the natives in Africa,

I was presented with a gift
I'm going to give to you...

at a very low figure.
How wonderful!

Don't be too hasty.
Oh, I just--

This is all hand painted
with the white of an egg.

What is it,
Captain?

((What is it?"you ask.
A hope chest for a guinea pig.

This magnificent chest,
no this magnificent--

This magnificent chest
I take great pleasure...

in presenting to you with my
compliments. This leaves me speechless.

See that you
remain that way.

Ladies and gentlemen--
Come outside and say that.

If we will all adjourn
to the library,

Mrs. Rittenhouse has another
and perhaps greater surprise.

This way, Captain.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
how do you pay Hives?

By the week
or by the pound?

It is my privilege...

to reveal
the masterpiece...

of Franco is Jacques
Dubois Guilbert Beaugard.

No trains will be sold after
the magazines leave the depot.

((After the Hunt."

There! I told you
you were a great artist.

Shall we spill the beans? Let's
wait. Something might happen.

We'd all appreciate a few words
from Mr. Chandler...

who will tell us of the life and
work of the artist, Beaugard.

And keep it clean.

Mr. Chandler.

My friends, I am sure that you
are familiar with Beaugard...

and this is perhaps
his masterpiece.

In it, he has achieved greatness
in handling color and line.

Now you will
see here that I--

Wait, this is not my picture.
This is a rank imitation!

[Mrs. Rittenhouse] What do
you mean? Here, see for yourself.

You are right.
It is not the Beaugard.

It certainly isn't.
There's a dog missing.

What shall I do? Telephone
the dog catchers immediately.

They have taken the original
and left me this.

Leave it to me.
I'll throw some light on this.

Has anyone a match?
What's wrong?

[ Mrs. Rittenhouse] Hives,
Hives,where are you? Turn on the lights.

[Spaulding] Mrs. Rittenhouse,
did you lose that fish again?

[ Mrs. Rittenhouse]
Oh, Captain, I'm so worried.

That one is gone too.

-Oh, this is awful.
-The crooks are escaping.

Follow me, men. Never
mind the men, just the women.

Come on.
Right this way.

He went out here
someplace.

[ Laughing]

I never saw anything
so funny in all my life.

It was great and there goes
her old party. Good old Hives.

Wasn't it funny?
Oh,v-v-very.

Why,you're not afraid, are you,
Hives? Oh, no, I'm not afraid.

Only you see, they were talking
of having the police here.

And I wouldn't want
the police to suspect me.

They wouldn't suspect
you. Oh,yes, they would.

You see, the last time
they suspected me...

I got four years.
Hives!

All right, give me
the painting. Good.

Good heavens!
It's gone!

Gone?
I left it in there.

There must be thieves
at this party.

If I'd known that,
I never would have come.

Wait a minute.
That professor.

The professor!
I see!

That's the fellow in the
wood pile. Now listen.

We've got to get
that picture away from him.

Might I suggest
some of this? Wh--

Very satisfactory
in these cases.

A few drops on
a handkerchief...

and the professor
will no longer obstruct us.

It'll do the trick? Absolutely.
Would you care to try some?

No thanks, Hives.
Let's find the professor.

I don't see how the thief
could have gotten away.

I wonder who it could have been.
It's good we substituted yours.

Supposing the thief had
gotten away with the Beaugard.

Oh, it would be all right
if they stole mine.

Darling,
I didn't mean that.

Wha twould mother do?
It's worth $100,000.

How could she
have replaced it?

Oh,
I understand.

Isn't it exciting?
Just think.

Whoever took it was
right in the room with us.

Just like raffles.

Isn't it romantic?

♪All the boys I've known♪

♪ Used to say
I was made of stone♪

♪I would always
leave them alone♪

♪In despair♪

♪I've been on the pan♪

♪I've been called
an electric fan♪

♪Told I'm even much
colder than♪

♪ Frigidaire♪

♪I began to wonder♪

♪f l was all wrong♪

♪I thought so
'til you came along♪

♪Tell me, dear♪

♪Why am I so romantic♪

♪When you're near♪

♪Why am I so romantic♪

♪What a grand feeling♪

♪When your lips
meet mine♪

♪That certain
something comes♪

♪Stealing up and down
my spine♪

♪I don't know
what it is you do to me♪

♪You don't know half
the good you do me♪

♪Other boys bore me♪

♪They just
leave me blue♪

♪ But why am I
so romantic♪

♪With you♪

♪Tell me, dear♪

♪Why am I so romantic♪

♪When you're near♪

♪Why am I so romantic♪

♪What a grand feeling♪

♪When your lips
touch mine♪

♪That certain
something comes♪

♪Stealing up and down
my spine♪

♪When we pet
close in your arms♪

♪You hold me♪

♪I forget all that
my mother told me♪

♪Other girls bore me♪

♪They just leave me blue♪

♪ But why am I
so romantic♪

♪With you♪♪

.[Harp]

♪♪[ Harp,Whistling]

♪♪[ Harp,Whistling]

[Arabella] Oh, Sigñor
Ravelli How do you do?

I've been looking
for you all morning.

I was busy all morning. Signor
Ravelli,you've gotta put that painting back.

Painting?
What painting?

The one
you changed last night.

You mean the picture? Yes.

What's-a matter for you?
First you want-a downstairs,

then you want-a upstairs.
Come on, make up your mind.

I do thank you
for what you've done.

You've got to get that painting
back before the police get here.

Police? They come here? Yes.

Wait, I give it to you.
You put it back.

Where's the picture? What do
you mean, ((Where's the picture"?

I put him in there.
It's gone. Somebody take him.

You take him.
Me?

No, I know.
Abie, the fish peddler.

Did mother invite
a fish peddler here?

I don't know whether she invite,
but he's here.

Come on.
We find him.

Good morning, Mrs. Rittenhouse.
Good morning, Mr.Jamison.

How is Capt. Spaulding? He had a
very bad night. He didn't sleep a wink.

He went horse back riding
in the middle of the night.

I'm sorry, but we've all
been very upset. Yes, I know.

Good morning, Captain.
Did you enjoy your ride?

What in the world
are you looking for?

I lost my horse.

He slipped right out
from between me.

I can't understand it.
I had my feet in the stirrups.

I didn't care, but I
lost the bit you loaned me.

I'll get you another bit. That'll
be two bits I owe you then.

Captain, I hope you
weren't distressed...

by last night's
unfortunate occurrence.

That dinner you served? No,
the painting that was stolen.

Was there a painting stolen?
I haven't seen a paper in weeks.

Jamison, as my secretary,
why didn't you inform me?

What do you think I engaged
you for? Captain, I didn't know it.

You should have asked me.
I didn't know it.

I'm sorry. You're sorry.
You're a contemptible cur.

I repeat, sir,
you're a contemptible cur.

Oh, if I were a man
you'd resent that.

Please keep quiet,
will you?

I can get along
without you.

I got along without your father,
didn't I? Yes, and your grandfather.

Yes, and your uncle. Yes,
and my uncle. Captain.

I didn't come here
to be exonerated.

I beg pardon, Mrs.
Rittenhouse. Oh,you do, eh?

I'd like to see you
crawl out of a rumble seat.

The police are here,
madam. Oh, the police.

Have them come in. So,
that's your game, is it?

You can't shut me up.
Talk to my attorney. Captain.

Jamison, take a letter
to my lawyers. Yes, sir.

I'll show you
a thing or two or three.

I'll show you
a thing or three.

Oh, Captain. Sending for the
police! Take a letter to my lawyers.

Sending for the police, eh?
Take a letter to my lawyers.

I am taking it. Read
me what you have so far.

Honorable
Charles H. Hungerdunger,

in care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger,
Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger and McCormick.

Semicolon.

How do you
spell semicolon?

All right,
make it a comma.

Honorable Charles Hungerdunger,
care of Hunger... and McCormick.

Gentlemen, question mark.
Huhhh.

Do you want that ((huhhh"
in the letter?

No, put that
in an envelope.

Now then, in re
yours of the fifth inst.

Yours to hand and
beg to rep. Brackets.

We have gone over
the ground carefully...

and we seem to believe,
I.E., to wit, E.G., in lieu,

that despite all our...

precautionary measures
which have been involved,

we seem to believe
that it is hardly necessary...

for us to proceed unless
we receive an ipso facto...

that is not negligible
at this moment.

Quotes, unquotes and quotes.

Hoping this finds you.
I beg you to remain--

Hoping this finds him where?
Let him worry about that.

Don't be so inquisitive,
Jamison. Sneak!

I say, hoping this finds you.
I beg to remain,

as of June 9th, cordially
yours. Regards.That's all.

I'll show you
where I get off.

Sending for the police.

Now read me the letter.
((Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga--"

Hungerdunger. Hunga,
Hun. Hunga... Hungerdunger.

That's it.
Hungerdunger.

((In care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger,
Hungerdunger and McCormick."

You've left out
a Hungerdunger.

You left out
the main one too.

Thought you could
slip one over on me, eh?

All right, leave it out
and put in a windshield wiper.

I'll tell you
what you do.

Make it three windshield wipers
and one Hungerdunger.

They won't all be there
when the letter arrives anyhow.

Hunger... Hunga... añd
McCormick. And McCormick.

((Gentlemen, question mark."
Gentlemen, question mark?

Put it on the penultimate,
not on the ((diphthongic."

You wanna brush up
on your Greek.

Well, get a Greek
and brush upon him.

((In re yours of
the fifth inst." I see.

Now,you said a lot
of things here...

that I didn't think were
important, so I omitted them.

Well!

Oh, Captain,
good gracious.

So,you omitted them, eh?

You omitted the body
of the letter, that's all.

You've left out the body
of the letter, that's all.

Yours is not
to reason why,Jamison.

You've left out
the body of the letter.

All right,
send it that way.

And tell them
the body will follow.

Do you want the body
in brackets?

No, it'll never
get there in brackets.

Put it in a box
and mark it... ((fragilly."

Mark ut what?
Mark it fragilly.

F-R-A-G--
Look it up.

It's in the dictionary.
Look under fragile.

Look under the table
if you don't find it there.

((Quotes, unquotes,
and quotes."

That's three quotes?
Yes, sir.

Add another quote
and make it a gallon.

How much is it a
gallon? Regards.

That's a fine letter.
That's an epic.

I want you to make two copies
and throw the original away.

When you get through with that,
throw the copies away.

Just send a stamp air mail. You may
go. I may go too. Mrs. Rittenhouse?

Yes? I'm Inspector
Hennessey from headquarters.

How do you do? Let me introduce
myself. I'm Capt. Scotland...

of Spaulding Yard. No, Capt.
Spaulding of Scotland Yard.

Please don't make the same
mistake again. I'm glad to know you.

I think you would be. Between
us we can solve the mystery,

especially
if you go home.

Inspector, please don't
be hasty about making an arrest.

I don't want
my guests embarrassed.

We won't arrest anybody. He's
lucky if he can stay out of jail himself.

Would you mind taking the inspector
to the library and showing them...

the scene of the crime?
Certainly. Right this way.

Come on, boys.

And,Jamison,
count the spoons.

Captain, I didn't know
you'd been a detective.

There's a whole lot
of things you don't know.

I suppose that's so. You
know darn well it's so.

Where were you the night
of June 5, 1774?

I'm afraid I don't know.
You bet you don't know.

Where was I?
I don't know.

I don't know either. And if I
did know I wouldn't tell you.

Put that in your pipe
and smoke it.

Take a number from
one to ten. All right, seven.

That's right.
Seven is right.

I could have done it with
one hand. This is no mystery.

I could solve this in five
minutes if I wanted to worry.

Captain, I don't
want you to worry.

I don't want anything
to interfere with your weekend.

Nothing ever interferes and I'll
thank you not to get personal.

I assure you-- Where's
my secretary? No, no.

Jamison,Jamison?
Captain, you misunderstood.

A more dastardly crack I've
never heard. Captain, please.

I wish I was back in the
jungle where men are monkeys.

Captain, I'm so sorry.
Jamison,Jamison? No, no.

Oh, dear.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Perfectly charming party.
I wouldn't have missed it.

It's just
full of surprises.

So glad
you're enjoying yourself.

Hives, Hives.

Good morning.
Some breakfast?

Breakfast, nothing.
Did you get the painting?

No, I did not.
I watched all night.

The professor did not
sleep in his room. No?

Strange.
Very strange.

What will we do?
I don't know...

until we see the professor.

[Chirping.]

[Chirping.]

[Chirping. Stops ]

[Chirping.]

You keep an eye on him
till I get back with the bottle.

Don't worry, he'll not
getaway from me this time.

Did you get it?
Yes, madam.

Good, I'll engage
him in conversation.

You trail behind and when
the proper time comes...

see that he gets it.
Very good, madam.

Oh hello, I've been looking for you. Where have you beeñ?

What is the matter
with this?

What have you got there?
The morning papers?

No, that isn't
the one I want.

Let me see
one of the others.

That still isn't
the one I want.

Out.
Yes, out.

Never mind the birds. Come
on up here. I want to talk to you.

Don't you like me?

You don't?

Well, I like you.
I like little boys like you.

By the way,
how old are you?

Five years old?

Why you're just a baby,
aren't you?

Oh!

Isn't that nice?
I like that.

No, no, no!

No wall joking aside.

Isn't there someone
you do like?

Isn't there someone
you love?

Now think again.

Isn't there someone
you really and truly love?

Is there?

Tell me who.

Why, that's a horse.
You love a horse.

Come on.
Lift him up.

Come on, he's out.
Let us get out.

[ Beep, Beep,
Beep, Beep]

Arabella. John, I've
been trying to find you.

Ravelli lost the painting.
I've been looking for you.

I found a painting out on the
terrace. Was it the Beaugard?

No!
Oh,yours.

[Arabella]
íIf it's not yours and it's not the Beauregard, whose is it?

Where did it come from? Someone else
came along and substituted it for mine,

thinking they were getting
away with the original.

[Ar.Arabella] Somebody
swiped my scheme eh?

Then Chandler never saw your painting after all.
No!

For all I know you may still be a great artist.

Where is this picture?
It's up in my room.

You go get it and
I'll get Capt. Spaulding.

He'll get to
the bottom of this.

And then John found
a third painting.

That's very interesting,
well, fairly interesting.

We've got to keep
a sharp lookout.

I've got to find it
or Mother's out $100,000.

Let me work on this case for 24 hours,
and then we'll call in somebody else.

Think it's a mystery now?
Wait until tomorrow.

Remember the Charlie Ross
disappearance?

I worked on that case
and they never did find him.

They couldn't
find me for five years.

That's me, Capt.Yard
of Scotland Spaulding.

I always get my women
or paintings. Arabella.

You know that painting I
found? It's been stolen. John!

Been on the case minutes and
there's another painting gone.

I'll bet it's not
even five minutes.

Now they've got my watch.
This is going too far.

It wasn't going
and now it's gone.

The door to my room was
locked too. How could they get in?

Who could it have been?
Wait a minute. I've got a clue.

No, it's a red hair.

The professor?
No, it couldn't be.

He's been picked this month by the ((Crook of
the Month Club." Anyhow,we'll investigate it.

[Whistle]

You know Conduct or
Hennessey, don't you? Inspector.

Inspector yourself. Know
that redheaded professor? Yes.

Get that gang of flagpole sitters
and find him. Aye, aye, Captain.

Come on, boys.

We'll get to the bottom of this.
You'll see how quick these--

Hey,what's that punk
doing there?

They're good policemen.
Didn't take long to find him.

This is it. This is it.
But which one is it?

The one that was just
taken from my room.

We've got that back.
Maybe I got my watch back.

Now the fob is gone.

I still got
the pocket.

Anything I retain
now is velvet,

except the coat.
That's Prince Albert.

All the jokes can't be good. You've
gotta expect that once in awhile.

If we could find the fellow that
painted this,we'd have a clue.

What'd you say? I said if we could
find the fellow,we'd have a good clue.

You just said that. What a dull
conversationalist you turned out to be.

Let me see that.

This is signed Beaugard.
There's the criminal.

No,
Beaugard is dead.

Beaugard is dead?
Then it's murder.

Now we've got something.
What-a you got, Cap?

I got jacks and aces. What do
you got? That's good. I was bluffing.

Isn't there something strikes
you funny about this picture?

Oh, come.
It isn't as funny as that.

Did you ever see
a tree like that?

Tree?
That's-a spinach.

That can't be spinach.
Where's the egg?

It could be spinach.
Look at all the sand.

You mean, it's an old spinach
custom? No, it's not that.

No, Cap,
it's my mistake.

That's coleslaw.
Coleslaw?

Did you ever see coleslaw
like that? Sure, look at this.

I don't want your lip. Did you
ever see anything like that?

You know what this is?
This is a left-handed painting.

Look, there's a signature. That's
right, it's in the right-hand corner.

This is either a left-handed
painting orave get able dinner.

If we can find the left-handed
person that painted this...

we'll have the ((Trial of
Mary Dugan"with sound.

I saw that. Good-bye.
You wait here.

We mustn't lose this.
This is evidence.

Take it to your room and
leave the door open this time.

Not a word about this
to anybody, not even to me.

We have got to find
the left-handed painting.

The left-handed painter. First
thing to do is find the motive.

What could have been
the motive?

I got it!
Robbery!

Would you mind crossing the
boulevard when the lights are against you?

Cap, sit down.

I got an idea how
to find-a this painting.

In a case like this,
you gotta get at the clues.

You gotta use
the Sherlock Holmes method.

You go about it like this.
You say,what happened?

The answer come back,
something was stolen.

Then you say,
what was stolen?

And the answer come back,
a painting.

What are you?
A ventriloquist?

Now you say,
where was this painting stolen?

And the answer come back,
in this house.

So far
I'm right, eh?

It's pretty hard to be wrong
if you keep answering yourself.

Now you go a little further,
who stole the painting?

This is Avery
important question.

You get the answer.
You've got the solution.

Especially if you find
the picture.

You take all the clues.
You put them together.

What do you got, eh?
Bread pudding.

No, here's what we got.
Something was stolen.

Stolen where? In this house.
Stolen by who?

Somebody in the house.

To find the painting,
you go to everybody...

and ask them
if they took it.

I could rent you out as
a decoy for duck hunters.

You say you're gonna go
to everybody and ask them.

Suppose nobody in the house
took the painting.

Go to the house next
door. That's great.

Suppose there isn't any house
next door. Then we gotta build one.

Now you're talking. What kind
of house we ought a put up?

I'll telly a, Cap.

My idea of a house is
something small and comfortable.

That's the way l feel about it.
I don't want anything elaborate.

Just a place I can call home and
tell the wife I won't be there for dinner.

You just want
a telephone booth.

No, in that case I'll get
in touch with Chic Sales.

What do you say, Cap,
we build right about here?

Here?
Yeah, right about here.

I'd like something
here if I could.

I don't like Junior crossing the
tracks on his way to reform school.

I don't like Junior
a tall as a matter of fact.

All right,we got
something over there.

Believe me, that's convenient.
That's-a very convenient.

All you gotta
do is open the door,

step outside
and there you are.

There you are? There
you are where? Outside.

Suppose you want to get back in
again? You had no right to go out.

Don't do anything until
I hear from you,will you?

Maybe that's the painting
down in the cellar.

That's no cellar.
That's the roof.

That's the roof down there?
We keep the roof in the basement,

so when the rain comes
the chimney don't get wet.

I'm going out and get
X-rayed. I'll be back.

I maybe wonderful,
but I think you're wrong.

Wait, don't get excited.
Come here.

Now look, here's the
rooms. Those are the rooms?

Right there's the rooms.
This is your room.

This is my room
and this is the maid's room.

I'd have to go
through your room?

That's all right.

I won't be in it.

You couldn't put
the maid in your room, eh?

What makes you think
I couldn't?

There's gonna be a lot
of traffic in there.

What do you say?
You ready to sign the lease?

It's a little premature.

I'd like to discuss it with my
husband. Could you come back?

Hey,you married? I've
got a girl as big as you.

All right, get me
one. Don't get vulgar.

Ravelli, how about the painting?
We take care of that all right.

Now I tell you my idea.
The kitchen should be white.

Outside green, inside cerise
with blue-- The painting, I say.

What do you think I talk?
That's painting.

The kitchen white,
outside green, inside cerise.

The painting that
was stolen. Stolen?

Don't you remember Mrs. Rittenhouse
lost a Beaugard painting worth $100,000?

Don't you remember? No, I'm
a stranger here. I no remember.

What do you think I am?
One of the early settlers?

Don't you remember
Mrs. Beaugard lost...

a valuable Rittenhouse
painting worth $100,000?

Don't you remember? No,
but I've seen you before.

I don't know where I was,
but I'll stay out of there.

Hey, Cap,
it come to me like a flash.

This painting
wasn't stolen.

You know what happened?
This painting is disappear.

You know what
make it disappear?

What do you think make
this painting disappear, eh?

Moths! Moths eat it!
Left-handed moths.

Go away. Go away.

I'll be all right
in a minute.

Left-handed moths ate the
painting, eh? That's my own solution.

I wish you were in it.
Left-handed moths ate the painting.

I'd buy you a parachute if
I thought it wouldn't open.

Hey, I got
pair of shoes.

The guy's crazy. Let's go
get the reward. We solved it.

You solved it!
The credit is all yours.

The painting was eaten
by a left-handed moth.

We did a good day's work.
How do you feel? Tired?

Maybe you ought to lie down
for a couple of years?

Why don't you lie down
until rigor mortis sets in?

I'll show you how
we get the painting.

We go to court and we get
out a writ of habeas corpus.

You're gonna
get rid of what?

I should never have
started that way.

We'll go to court and we'll
get a writ of habeas corpus.

Yeah, scorpus, scorpus. Didn't
you ever see a habeas corpus?

No, but I see
ha be as Irish rose.

[ Howling]
Hey, it's okay.

Good morning, Mrs.
Rittenhouse. Good morning.

Mr. Chandler,why don't you go
to the beach with the others?

I'm sure you'd feel better. I'll
had my Beaugard, I'd feel better.

We're doing
everything we can.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
I have it.

The Beaugard!
Wonderful!

My Beaugard!
Wait, this is not my Beaugard.

This is a rank imitation.
Where did you find it?

Why, in Mr.-- In
Mr. Parker's room, madam.

Parker!The man who made that
stole the Beaugard.

Hives, find Mr. Parker
and ask him to come here.

Certainly, madam. Wait,
my men will bring him.

Go out and get
Mr. Parker.

What's the matter? You've only
to look at it once to see what it is.

It is a rank nothing.

[Arabella]
Mother, what's wrong?

[Parker] I can come in
without being pulled in.

Mr. Parker, something very
mysterious has occurred.

You're the only one
who can explain.

I'd be glad to if I can.
Nothing mysterious about it.

We found this in your room.What
have you done with the original?

Come clean. Come on,
out with it. It'd be wise--

I have nothing to say except I
don't know where the Beaugard is.

How is it we found this in
your room? You come with me.

You can't take him.
Arabella!

We'll sing one song
for my old Kentucky home

♪ For my old♪

♪ Kentucky home♪

♪ Faraway♪

♪So far away♪♪

This program is coming to you
from the house of David.

He's either got
that suit on upside down...

or there is
no law of gravity.

Einstein or no.
My tie!

Oh, Captain,
what shall I do?

They're going to arrest John.
Who's going to arrest John?

I am, Captain. Oh,you are,
eh? Let me tell you something.

They teach you at Scotland Yard never to
arrest an innocent man. He's not innocent.

I'll have to arrest
him just the same.

By all means or
nobody will be safe here.

You can't arrest him.
I stole it.

Arabella! Don't
listen to her. I did it.

They're both lying.
I did it with my hatchet.

He's crazy.
I confess, I did it.

Maybe nobody stole the painting.
Maybe there was no painting.

That's right, maybe there
was no painting. I saw it.

Cut out the talk.
Who stole the painting?

I did! I did! I did!

What?You?
You took the picture?

Where is it?
Aw, that's a horse.

The Beaugard!
That is my Beaugard.

No, that isn't your
Beaugard. Don't be ridiculous.

I paid $100,000 forth is.
I know what I bought.

Look at
the signature.

John Parker.
Somebody changed it.

That is my Beaugard!
There it is!

Ah, but that one.
That has the color, the depth,

the soul
of the Beaugard!

Ont ya master could have
produced a painting like that.

Oh,John. You mean to
tell me you painted that?

Yes, sir. Why,young
man, you're a genius.

I commission you to paint
a portrait of me immediately.

Wait until tomorrow. I'm
gonna be busy all day. Yes.

You better
come with me.

Don't take him away.
He returned the paintings.

My name is Spaulding.
I've always wanted to meet you.

All right.
I'll let him go this time.

I want to give
you some advice.

You're running around
with the wrong kind of people.

You wanna
be a crook?

Why don't you go
home? He's got no home.

Go home for a few nights
and stay home.

Don't you know
your poor old mother...

sits there...

[Clinking]

Sits there night
after... [Clinking]

Night after night...
[Clinking]

Waiting to hear your steps
on the stairs. Got no stairs.

And I can see a little light
burning in... the window. [Clinking]

No, the gas company
turned it off.

What I'm telling you is for
your own good. [Clinking]

If you listen to me... you
can't go wrong. [Clinking]

This may goon for years.
There's just one thing--

[Clinking]

I can't understand what's
delaying that coffee pot.

Where's the cream? You
certainly surprised me.

Me too. I thought
he had more than that.

It's no use
giving you advice.

I'm afraid I'll have
to take him.

Come on here.
Come on.

[Mr.s. Rittenhouse]
Oh, what's he doing?

Oh, my dear, oh!

Hey,what's the idea? Jamison,
take a letter to my lawyer.

No, no, no, no!

Oh, to think that
I've got to go so young.

Good. Let's get out of here
before they all wake up.

Hurry up!
Come on, come on.