All language subtitles for Very Important People s03e15 J W Smokes.eng

Hi, I'm Anna Garcia,

the reigning champion of VIP,

and I'm here today to beat
the shit out of Vic Michaelis.

(upbeat music)

[Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

This is already crazy.

[Vic] They have no idea

who or what they're about to become.

Love it.

- [Vic] Once they see
themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up
a character on the spot

and then sit down with me
for an improvised interview.

(Anna squealing)
(crew laughing)

You're kidding.

[Vic] This is "Very Important People."

Hi.

Oh god, this is the worst part.

Talk amongst yourselves, Jesus.

We're losing my slippers?

(Anna laughing)

Oh my god, something's on my head.

What the fuck?

Hey, good luck everybody. (chuckles)

Whoa! Okay, now!

Okay now!

That's what I'm talking about.

Bang, you're dead.

Wow! I look awesome!

I feel like I have to do
a southern accent, right?

Hey, around here, no one walks past me

and makes it out alive.
(crew laughing)

Three two one, bang!

Damn, I forgot my bullets. Empty.

(gun clicking)

Well, hello.

Welcome to Smoky Saddles.

You wanna mine for gold? (laughs)

I can paint your name on
a grain of rice. Sit down.

(crew laughing)

Something's wrong with him.

He's got a dark energy,

but then he has beautiful hair.

I mean, his hair is Pantened the hell out.

I look like an old guy.

Whoa, this actually adds

a whole nother layer to the character.

(gravelly old-timey accent) The thing
about me is that if someone tries

to get in between me and gold,

they're gonna have their
brains blasted out.

Lambasted outta them.

(crew laughing)

Something to consider is the
fact that I have assless chops.

Maybe he's a little freak.

(Anna humming)

(upbeat music)

You are confident.

You are strong.

You are a reporter.

(Vic sighing)

(lips smacking)

Later.

(door clicking)

We all have a story to tell,

and sometimes that story needs
to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition
of "Very Important People."

(JW spits)

Okay, so we can't spit on set.

Hello. Hi.

[JW] Mm?

[Vic] Okay, a pistol.

Take a seat and please introduce yourself.

Okay. Please introduce yourself.

I'm JW Smokes.

(tense music)

- JW, it is so lovely
to have you here today.

As part of our ongoing program

to explore all tourist destinations

in each of the 50 states,

JW, we've invited you here today

to explain your home
state's natural attraction.

(JW burping)

- Okay. Lot of burping.
- Mhm.

Do you need some water?

- [JW] Nope. I don't drink
that stuff, but thank you.

- Water?
- I don't drink that stuff,

- but thank you.
- No, I heard you.

I was just saying you don't drink water.

I. Don't.

Drink that stuff,

but thank you.

Can somebody please take the weapon?

Maybe we take the gun away.

- I'll shoot you if you try.
- Okay. How about this?

In an act of good faith-

- Hey, hey.
- Hey.

What? What is this?

- Bring it down a little bit.
- [Vic] Bring it down-

So we're gonna, okay.
And hand off the gun.

I'm just adjusting it in my belt.

- Look what I can do.
That's my microphone.

It's sort of like a

pen is mightier than the sword type thing.

Everyone can hear what you're saying.

- What's your name again?
- Vic.

- Vic.
- And you are JW Smokes.

And we're honored to have you here

- today.
- JW Smokes the Third.

My granddaddy was the first.

What state are you representing, JW?

- I'm from California.
- [Vic] California.

That's absolutely incredible. Yes.

What other states you got on this show?

We've had about seven states so far.

We had Nevada, we had Arizona.

One was about a sort of
a license plate museum,

and that was really fun.

- No.
- (chuckles) Just kidding.

Don't do that.

Maybe next time we check for weapons.

I checked with them.

I said, "I'm gonna bring a loaded gun."

- Okay.
- I sent an email to the lady.

- How about this, it
would make me feel better

if maybe we put the gun on the table.

- Won't do that. But
thank you for offering.

- You are from California.
- [JW] Yep,

and I'm the mayor of my town.

- Okay.
- Wickmore.

You are the mayor of Wickmore.

I heard that Wickmore's a pretty
interesting town because...

There's very few people living there.

- So they voted you mayor.
- I chose it.

- For California, I really
thought maybe we could come up

with something more interesting
than the mayor of a town

with very few people.

Oh, you're not impressed by my town?

You know, I, I would love to learn

a little bit more about it.

- I'd love to tell you if
you'd ask a fucking question.

Okay, so you know, why,

why should people come visit your town?

- The mines.
- The mines?

- The mines are like nothing
you've never seen before.

Kids, gone.

- What?
- Dogs, gone.

Are kids and dogs

- going into the mine-
- My wife, still there.

- What?
- Hmm?

- You're sending kids and dogs
into the mine by themself?

Yeah, they ain't coming back.

And is your wife gone in the mine

or is your wife just gone?

She's gone.

- You're sending kids
and dogs into the mine

and your wife left.

(JW chuckling)
(Vic laughs)

(technical beep)
(calm music)

- The facts are straight.
- Okay.

- I was elected the mayor
because I figured out

how to capitalize on dogs and kids.

[Vic] Oh, I see.

So you're sending dogs and
kids down in the mine to work.

Dying, unfortunately.

- Okay. I think we can start-
(gun clicks)

put the gun away.

I'm just adjusting.

- Hand me the gun.
- I'll hand it to you,

- but I'll kill you in doing so.
- No you won't, I'll kill you.

- It's not like that, no.
- Woo!

We got ourselves a showdown!

- You're gonna hand me
that, hand me that gun.

- Touching my gun!
- I'm not, I'm not!

- Touching my gun!
- And so, gun is on the table.

Chekhov likes that shit.

- Not a Chekhov's gun.
- That's some Chekhov shit.

- Woo!
- [Vic] That is not-

I like this one. Stallion!

No, no. I'm not a stallion.

So, and sir, please.
(JW barking)

Well, we, we have a very fun segment.

You brought a bushel of
wildflowers that grow in your area

and I thought you could
tell us more about it.

So if we could fly in the
bushel of wildflowers, please.

- I want this.
- [Vic] Okay.

So you said you brought
a bushel of wildflowers

for us to talk about and, nope, nope.

Okay, nope, nope. No,
okay, that's going so fast.

Sir? Sir!
(JW gulping)

Sir, okay, so, okay, sir?

Okay, so. Thirsty.

Okay, we're still going.

That's a liter.

I think you'd die if you
finished all of that.

Wouldn't you be surprised?

- (JW belching)
- What? What did you just say?

Will you shut up?! I'm having a sip!

- Okay, so,
(JW gulping)

you're not gonna be able to finish that.

I accept your challenge humbly.

I'm not challenging you.

I'm letting you know
it's too much to finish.

This is the part where it gets harder.

You're not even halfway done.

Oh my god!

- I can't finish that.
- I know!

- Cannot finish that at all.
- [Vic] Yes, I know!

- Oh, I'm sick to my stomach.
- Okay.

You let me do that.

- [Vic] No! No.
(JW burps)

- Oh god, I'm sick.
- If we don't wanna talk

about the wild flowers,

- I guess that's fine.
- Well, where's the flowers?

- I don't know, you
said you brought flowers

and you brought out a bottle.

So here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna ask you a different question.

- Okay.
- Why did your wife leave?

You want me to talk about that,

I'm gonna have to finish this bottle.

Go for it.

(whiskey sloshing)
(JW gulping)

You're drinking with such big sips

and there's so little
movement in that liquid.

It honestly feels endless.

Can I? Okay, so just, you got it.

What is this?

- Whiskey.
- Okay.

I brew it. I run the saloon.

Okay. That's really fun.

Well, how about this?

I'll take a sip and then
you can ask me a question

and then we'll flip, okay?

- Stallion's back!
- Not a stallion.

Woo!

Wants to play a drinking game with me.

- You know, I'm sort of like,
I would be like a show horse.

- That's the sexiest
thing you've ever said.

- No, it's not. It's not sexy.
- My god, I'm floored.

- [Vic] So here we go.
- What are the rules again?

You ask me a question,

if I don't wanna answer, I take a sip.

Slow down!

Oh my god!

- I'm in 0.5 speed right now.
I don't know how to help.

- If this is your 0.5,
I'm gonna grab that gun

and open my mouth.

No, none of that.

- .25, please. You take
a sip, and then what?

- You ask me a question.
- I start with a question.

And I either answer,

or if I don't wanna answer
the question, I take a sip.

Great.

And then I ask you a question.

If you don't wanna answer,

- you take a sip.
- I just finish the bottle.

All right, fine.

So ask me a question.

Ever killed anybody?

No.

I heard you're repainting the town.

What colors are you thinking?

(JW gulping)
(whiskey sloshing)

- I'm so sick.
- You don't have to do this!

Oh my god! I made progress.

(JW belching)

- Okay, my turn.
- I'm sick to my tummy.

Do you want your hat?

Is it off my head?!

What do you mean? No.

- It is, no! Put it down!
- Who took my hat off?!

- Who took my hat off?!
- Put it down!

- Who took my hat off?
- It fell off your head.

Wait, how long's it been off?

So for one minute.

- You ever shoot a gun?
That's my question for you.

You ever shoot a gun?

Yes, I've shot a gun.

Okay, here's my question for you.

- Sure.
- Name two other people

in the town.

- Calcifer.
- Okay. One.

- Pete.
- Calcifer and Pete.

Okay. And are those friends of yours?

- Bests.
- You're living in a town

with your two best friends.

- Yeah, Calcifer, he's
lost his mind. He's senile.

- Elderly?
- No, no, no. He's young.

Is he a child by any chance?

- He's not a kid. No.
- [Vic] Okay.

But if he was, I wouldn't make him work.

Let me take this. And now it's my turn.

- Yep. Question for you,
you got a best friend?

My best friend is every single person

that I come into contact with.

You know what I can tell about you?

- What?
- You've never lived

a day in your life.

I look at you. A nubile,
amorphous blob of sorts.

And the thing about living,

not a compliment!

- Continue.
- And it's like,

I used to be that way once.

And then, you know, life happens.

You come to own a town

and you kill everyone that passes through.

What? What do you mean?

Oh, I don't let anyone into my town.

- Right, but instead of
being like, "Hey, closed,"

you're killing everyone
that comes through?

With my gun.

- Where did your gun go?
- Uh-oh.

- Your gun was on the table.
Where did your gun go?

- Where'd that go?
- Is it back in your pocket?

Oh.

I said the gun goes on the table.

You asked why I'm so freaked out here,

and maybe it's because
somebody brought a gun

with ammunition

- into the studio, so.
- Probably half the people

here have guns.

If you have a gun, raise your hand.

- Everyone's hand's up.
You just can't see from-

- Okay, that's very clever.
- That's pretty cool.

I got a couple guns.

You have a couple of guns in studio?

- Of course!
- [Vic] Okay.

What are you not getting?

I want you to try that.
I brewed it in my saloon.

Okay, fine.

(whiskey sloshing)

Mm, yummy.

It's delicious.

Yep. Wanna know what I put in there?

- I would love to.
- Lavender.

- Okay.
- Fennel.

I can kind of taste that actually.

- Anise.
- Fantastic.

This is a little recipe moment.

- Local piss.
- What? What's locapiss?

- Local piss.
- Local piss?

- Now this is the speed
you should be talking at.

Okay, so I'm gonna give that to...

- Okay.
- [Vic] Just to clarify,

you came on the show to try and get people

to come and visit your town
as a wonder of California.

[JW] Well, here's the thing.

I've recently come around
to letting people in.

[Vic] Okay.

So it's sort of a closed community

that's now opening their doors.

- Sure. If you wanna
fucking say like that.

Gay as hell.

What? (laughs)

(technical beep)
(calm music)

What's gay about that?

Just the way you said it, it's gay.

No, no, no, no. Actually no.

Gay. Gay shit.

- We're actually gonna
take this away from you,

and I think we're done with this.

[JW] Oh, I'll finish that.

No, I don't think we need to finish that

because we have another segment, which is,

we know that you're very apt at music.

Well, yes. And you know what's so funny?

I asked them to do this, but...

- [Vic] Are you okay?
- [JW] Yep.

- Do you need help?
- [JW] No, I'm good.

- Okay, so.
- Check it.

- Was that in my fountain?
- Uh-huh.

- (JW belching)
- Okay.

Oh! Song for you, stallion.

- No.
(banjo strumming randomly)

- [JW] G. G chord.
(banjo strumming)

Fuck, hold on.

- Okay, so we sort of had
in our notes that you were a

piano and organ prodigy
and you sort of picked

the banjo to play today.

? Oh ?

? The town was dark and gray ?

(banjo strumming)

? The kids were sent away ?

(banjo strumming)

? The dogs too ?

Beautiful. Amazing.

Absolutely fantastic.

- Yeah, sorry, I don't
really know how to play this,

but you know what, if
you give me my harmonica.

Okay, we can fly in the harmonica.

[JW] We have a harmonica here?

[Vic] Okay, fantastic.

Yeah, you're gonna be surprised.

Okay. I can't wait.

So here we go.
(cheerful harmonica music)

(JW plays a refrain of "Oh!
Susanna" on the harmonica)

(tune trails off into
random harmonica noises)

Okay. You know what?

Better than I was anticipating,

but not nearly as good
as I was hoping for.

So.

Okay, wonderful.

That's "Oh! Susanna." Run it back.

No, we don't have to run it back.

Well, so maybe we'll
ask some more questions

and we'll sort of, and hey, what's up?

Oh, come on. Hey.

You asked me to be on your show

and it's like, "What have
I got to show for myself?"

No good at banjo.

No good at harmonica except
for one third of "Oh! Susanna."

I don't know. You even
took my gun away from me.

It's like, I don't even
know what I gotta show you.

I got a town and we got a
bunch of missing kids and-

You know, you don't have missing kids.

It sounds like you are
sending them down to the mine.

Can't find them anywhere, and,

- Okay.
- my wife's gone and...

It sounds like your wife left you.

What do I have to show?

Okay, come on. Don't do that.

Why'd you pick me to be on this show?

- You know, we, we got
a couple of applicants

and you sounded like you'd
be the most interesting

- And am I?
- [Vic] You know, honestly,

I'm on a personal journey

and what I'm learning is,
no, don't make that face,

'cause I was gonna be really nice to you.

- No, go ahead. Go ahead.
- [Vic] I was gonna say,

don't make that face.

- I'm not making any face!
I'm not making any face!

Keep going.

- Hey, watch, two can play
at this game. So here we go.

- Okay, stallion! Woo!
(whiskey sloshes)

- Oh my god, I'm rock hard.
- Okay. No, no.

I was gonna be really
nice and I was gonna say

you could have your gun back,

but you're being, no.
(JW belching)

I'm gonna take my gun.

You're not gonna take your gun.

- Oh, a challenge.
- No, it's not a challenge.

- Three, two, one.
- Two, one.

And so sort of same time...

- [JW] Oh, yes, oh, yes.
- Here we go. Here we go.

- And we both got it.
- All right,

- I'ma let you have it.
- And I got it.

- 'Cause that's the
gentlemanly thing to do.

What if we did a shooting contest?

- There is nothing I'd like
more than a shooting contest.

Damn, that's a strong banjo. Jesus Christ.

- Yeah. Here, you're gonna-

- Jesus!
- Okay.

So we'll get that out of the way.

Mostly intact banjo.

(calm music)

I can tell you're loosening up

for the first time in your life.

- I don't know. Okay, let's
do this, I'll get that.

- Jesus Christ.
- Let's do it. There we go.

- Lemme get the glasses.
- [JW] The fuck is going on

- with you?
- [Vic] All right.

No, don't do that. So
here's what we're gonna do.

- Put it on your head.
- What?

- Put it on your head.
- No, I was gonna say maybe-

Hey, you trust me?

- I don't-
- Look at me.

Look really deep.

(western music)

You trust me?

Yeah.

Put that glass on your head.

(western music continues)
(whiskey sloshing)

(gun chamber whirring)

And you're a good shot?

- No.
- [Vic] Oh my god.

(gun banging)
(glass shattering)

Oh my god. Did you feel that?

- Yeah. I felt that.
- My turn.

- All right.
- [Vic] Okay.

Your turn. I trust you.

(western music continues)

Take a look at my beautiful hair.

Okay, here we go. Three, two, one.

(gun banging)
(bird squawking)

[JW] Oh my god.

(glass shattering)

- Oh my god,
- [Vic] Oh my god.

[JW] you just killed a bird. Oh my god.

[Vic] Okay. No, I think that was there.

This bird is dead.

[Vic] No, I think it was there.

It has fishing wire on it.

- Okay, well then the bird
clearly hanged itself!

I didn't kill it!

Who let this bird kill itself?!

[Vic] Save him! Save him!

Oh my god! Oh my god!

[JW] You piece of shit, wake up!

- [Vic] Come on!
- It's just like my son!

- What?! What do you mean
it's just like your son?!

[JW] Wake up, Tony!

(air sputtering)

We're gonna cut to a commercial break.

We're gonna cut to a commercial break.

I think we're gonna cut
to a commercial break.

(rock music)

(whispering) Okay, okay, okay.

Hey Braden, I had a couple
of notes on the lights here.

Oh.

Ow. Ow!

Ow, Braden, help. Ow, I'm hurt.

No, I'm, it's real, I'm hurt.

I'm really hurt. I'm serious, I'm serious.

I'm serious. You're on
a hidden camera show.

Right there. You're on
a hidden camera show.

You got Chomp'd, Braden!

Braden, you got Chomp'd! Braden.

Got Chomp'd.

Okay, well, very funny.

- He's gone.
- [Vic] We're just gonna say

he flew away.

- Okay.
- We're in a commercial break.

We're just gonna go like this.

(JW belches)
I think he's fine.

Ready, watch. He's gonna fly away.

Okay. JW?

You can call me Smokes. Most people do.

Before they die.

Okay, so I will be calling you JW.

- My granddaddy opened our
town after the Gold Rush.

- Really?
- He built it hand and foot.

- He built it hand and foot?
- Put his whole pussy into it.

- Okay.
- He built that town.

- Your father?
- My granddaddy.

No, no, no. But then your father?

- What about him?
- What does he do?

He's in the mines.

What is your dad doing in the mines?

He walked away one day

and I said, "If you walk away,

you can't ever come back this town."

He said, "Don't worry about it."

- So why would you assume
he was in the mines?

That's where most people go.

So again, the reason that we had you on

is because this was a
hot tourist destination.

It is. Big

pond.

- Big pond?
- Right in the middle.

Granddaddy dug it.

Okay, outside of the pond,

I am begging you, name one reason

that people should come and travel to

and spend money to visit your town.

(somber music)

No.

(JW sniffing)
No.

No, come on. Okay, so.

- What about me?
- Okay.

- Have you ever considered
that I'm a reason?

(somber music continues)

No, I didn't do this.

- Have you ever considered I
could be a reason to visit?

[Vic] Hey, come on. Come on.

- Have you ever considered
maybe one lonely man is enough?

A man teaching an empty school.

You're the teacher?

A man serving drinks to nobody.

- So you're pitching the
people to come to your town

to visit you specifically.

- Then why not?
- I don't know,

because the world doesn't
revolve around you.

Sort of what I've been told recently,

is that you know, you don't
get everything that you want

and it's not all about you.

- And if I told you that
there's no one in my town?

(somber music continues)

I'm the mayor,

I'm the bartender.

What about Pete?

No Pete?

- Pete ain't there.
- [Vic] Okay.

Honestly, maybe you should be
marketing the town that way.

Like a ghost town is like a thing

that people do come to visit.

Hey, come see this one lonely guy

latching on to the remains of a town

that his granddaddy built.

He's watched his friends
live and die there.

He sent all these kids down to the mines

and then they died there too.

Hey, come visit this guy!

Hey, come visit this guy and
his guns and his piss liquor.

Hey, come on down, everybody!

Okay, calm down.

What have they got to see? Nothing.

- What do you think the
meaning of life is? Huh?

Hm.

You know, coming as a man
who lives in a ghost town,

one man town,

I would say that the meaning of life is

(somber music continues)

making it a two man town.

- The meaning of life is
making your one man town

a two man town?

- When you repeated it,
it sounded stupid, but-

Well, no, I was just sort of,

that's sort of what reporters do.

- When you repeated
it, it sounded so dumb.

- [Vic] It didn't sound dumb.
I don't sound stupid or dumb.

Oh!

Oh, you wanna play with guns?

No, I don't wanna play with guns.

I'm just showing you sort of,

that was what you did is
you were sort of like...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [JW] Oh, you wanna

play with guns?

- [Vic] Okay.
(gun clicks)

Okay, and we're, and we're calm.

And we're sort of,

- what, trade?
- [JW] This is my gun.

- No, we can't, no, gimme
back the, I want that one.

No, I want that one.

- No!
- So no!

- No. No.
- No. No.

(intense western music)
(Vic chuckling)

- No.
- No.

(chamber whirring)

No.

No, no.

- No. No.
- No. No.

Okay, so, okay, I'm
just gonna sorta, okay,

and clear that off.

Get off there, and- that,

okay, come on, here we go.

Fuck, this won't, fuck.

Okay. Okay.

- That's fine.
- [Vic] Okay, here we go.

- Sort of Les Mis-ing it.
- [Vic] Sorta like that.

(glass shattering)

- Jesus Christ, stallion!
- Here we go, here we go!

Okay! Okay!

Okay.

Lemme sorta build that.

Okay.

[JW] No one's in here,

- no one's in there.
- [Vic] You're in for it.

Come on!

Come on. Okay.

- Come on. Come on.
- [JW] Fucking fake-ass tarp.

Okay. Okay.

- Fucking hair, I need a
haircut so fucking bad.

So this is how it ends, huh?

A shootout for the ages.

Oh, you're gonna fucking get it.

- No. You're gonna get it.
- You're gonna fucking get it.

You're gonna, here we go.

(JW and Vic grunting)

(guns banging)

(JW and Vic panting)

- Come out. Come out, come
out, wherever you are.

Come out!

Daddy's got his gun.

Come out, come out wherever you are.

(intense western music continues)

(gun banging)

Almost got you. Almost got you.

(gun banging)

Slow motion.

(gun banging)

(guns banging)

(JW grunting)

Hey, no throwing! No throwing!

- How do you like that?
- Oh shit, I've been hit!

I've been hit!

(gun banging repeatedly)

(intense western music continues)

(Vic panting)

(gun banging repeatedly)

(Vic panting)

Jesus.

Okay. (panting)

(intense western music continues)

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, no, don't even think about it.

(guns banging repeatedly)

You want some?

Yeah, I do.

(intense western music continues)

(Vic panting)

(whiskey sloshing)
(JW gulping)

(tense western music)

(Vic panting)
(whiskey sloshing)

(tense western music continues)

- [Vic] Time in.
(gun banging)

- (tense western music)
- What the fuck?

Jesus Christ, you gotta
gimme a second to breathe!

(guns banging repeatedly)

(intense western music continues)

Ooh. Ooh.

- Hey now.
- Ah.

- Yes!
- Yes!

No.

(guns banging)

(JW and Vic panting)

(gun banging)

You're a wild one, stallion.

(gun banging)

(tense music)

(Vic panting)

(gun banging)

(gun rattling)

[Vic] Ha!

You got me.

Fine. Fair is fair, square is square.

You can kill me. What I
even gotta live for, huh?

(somber western music)

What I even gotta live for?

I'm just a sad sack of a man living in his

fucking no man town.

A no man town with what?

(JW panting)

A bunch of empty buildings.

- Yeah.
- [JW] A saloon.

Yeah.

A saloon beneath a four star hotel.

- What?
- A big botanical garden.

Mines, of course. But the waterpark.

- What kinda waterpark?
- It's a big one. Lazy river.

- Like plastic slides?
- Yeah, of course.

What? Why didn't you say that?

I got nothing

- to fucking live for.
- I asked you for an hour.

I said, "Oh, what are
fun things in your town?"

- And you talked about-
- The hotel has free wifi.

- You talked about piss.
- We have a Verizon store.

You have a Verizon store?

- Everyone that works
there's nice, 'cause it's me.

I help everyone get on plans.

And nobody's ever there?

No, it's just me.

That sounds incredible, I'd come.

(calm western music)

(JW burps)

What did you say?

Yeah, I said I'd...

I said I'd, I'd come to your town.

- Even with the lazy river
that goes fast and slow?

- Yeah.
- Even with the wave pool?

- What? Where is this?
- 20 minutes outside of Ojai.

- Like an hour from LA?
- Yeah.

- Right. Right.
- Yeah.

- I'll come.
- You serious?

- You'd come to my town?
- Yeah. I'm serious.

I would love to come to your town.

- You come to my town and
give me a reason to live?

Okay, like, if I'm totally honest,

I feel like I haven't had a
vacation in a really long time.

- Well, this wouldn't be a
vacation destination, would it?

- Yeah.
- Even though we have

a natural lake nearby?

I feel like you're kinda

underselling it for yourself.

You know what I mean?
I'm just sorta like...

Maybe we start with the wave pool

and we end with the piss liquor.

You know what I'm saying?

But the piss liquor's...

Well, it's the most profitable,

but I'm the only one spending money, so.

I'll say start with the hotel.

- Okay.
- Maybe hire a chef.

- Send him to Montreal to do-
- We have a chef.

- [Vic] Huh?
- It's me.

Right, okay.

Good carrots au gratin.

- And you said that this town
was closed down for a while.

Maybe you sort of like
let people know about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And also now we got a nail salon.

Can they fix my hands?

Holy fuck.

- Okay, so maybe-
- Hoo Jimminy.

- [Vic] Okay.
- Gimme those.

No, you got good cuticles.

- [Vic] Really?
- Yep.

- Are you the nail tech?
- Yep.

Yeah, okay, that's what I thought.

Okay, well yeah, I would,
honestly, I would love to come.

- I think I'm about to
vomit from all the liquid.

Yeah, that makes sense.

(calm western music continues)

(JW retching)

(upbeat music)

I'm Vic Michaelis, reminding
you to be true to yourself,

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Good night.
(retching continues)

[JW] Oh my fuck. Too much.

Way too much.

- Can I get a PA maybe
to clean up the vomit?

That would be great.

Hey squirts.

It's me, JW Smokes.
(upbeat western music)

I recently found out
my town is not so bad,

so why don't you check it out yourself?

It used to be population
one, and it is mostly,

but, come on.

But every now and then,

- there's two!
- There's two.

All right, skedaddle.

- Oh, for me.
- Yeah, skedaddle.

- I'm wrapping it up.
- Okay.

Come on down to Wickmore.

We've got everything.

Four star hotel.

Mines.

Water park.

Lazy river in the water park.

Kids,

gone.

Fresh baked bread every morning.

A saloon featuring those
old-timey swingy doors.

My daddy's remains.

A nail salon.

A Verizon store.

Nothing Bundt Cakes.

Dirt.

The only Arclight left,

also an AMC and a Regal, three in one.

The remains of my best friend, Pete.

One of those sit-down Panda Expresses

and they serve alcohol, like Taco Bell.

McDonald's and you can walk
through the drive through.

Calcifer was never a real person.

Come on down to Wickmore,

where you're wick, and we got more.

Vic, kinda I have some bad news.

- You wanna go to lunch?
- I'm really sorry.

- No.
- No, I've got lunch.

[Paul] No, no, no.

You want a lunch?

I just, they asked me to let you know

that Connie Chung actually
canceled the interview,

so she's not gonna be coming in anymore.

So you can go home. We're
just gonna wrap early today.

And I know that you've
been doing these pranks

and you think this is a prank.

- I'm not getting Chomp'd.
- This isn't a chomp.

I'm not getting Chomp'd.

You can't chomp the chompster.

- You can't chomp the chompster.
- And I knew you were gonna

think it was a chomp,
and it's not a chomp.

[Vic] Where is it?

It's, what are you

- even looking for?
- Can't chomp the chompster.

Can't do it.

All right, let's get Connie
on the stage, please.

(Vic barking)

[Paul] This really isn't a chomp.

Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp,

chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp.

Where are you, Connie?

Okay, let's buckle up though.

Let's get serious.

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