All language subtitles for Pushing Daisies - 02x08 - Comfort Food.720p.BluRay.x264-DON.English.updated.Addic7ed.com

NARRATOR: At this moment,
young Ned is 9 years, 9 months...

...15 days,
10 hours and 2 minutes old.

Awakened by
loneliness-induced insomnia...

...he found himself
in desperate need of comfort.

And comfort, for Ned, meant pie.

The risks were great...

...but young Ned rationalized his
rogue impulse baking as sheep counting.

What harm could come of a single pie
in the dark of night...

...with all the evidence ingested?

He was caught in flagrante delicto
by one Eugene Mulchandani...

...who immediately
joined him in the act.

Ned and Eugene were unprepared
for what happened next.

The aroma of freshly baked pie
wafting through boarding-school halls...

...awakened an entire class
who had but one thing in common:

They were all far from home
and needed comfort.

The longing and homesickness
which filled the school like a plague...

...was magically lifted with every bite.

And the party began.

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

[CHATTERING]

Until the party stopped.

And young Ned learned that even
a forkful of immediate gratification...

...can lead to a world
of grave consequences.

A lesson to be learned again
years later...

...at the grave of currently dead father
of the woman he loved.

Ready?

I'm ready, I think.

-Wait.
-What?

If we both have half a minute,
you go first.

No. If you spill over
the first 30 seconds, no biggie.

As opposed to spilling over the second
30 seconds, which is "yes, biggie."

CHUCK: I budgeted every second, I won't.
-That's not enough. Should have 60.

We don't need to fact-find.
I don't know what I was thinking.

That you were trying to protect us from
a mysterious, potentially dangerous man.

-You go first.
-No, you go. This is awkward.

Go first or I'm gonna
hit you with the shovel.

Okay.

-Hello.
-Mr. Charles, or should I call you Charles?

Doesn't matter. I lived across the street
when I was a little boy.

Hi, it's me, Charlotte.
Um, you've been dead for 20 years.

I'm sure you have questions,
can you put them on hold...

...and tell us,
is Dwight Dixon a dangerous man?

-Oh, yeah.
-Oh. Oh, no.

He stole Chuck's-- I still call your
daughter "Chuck," like when I was 9.

-Fifteen--
-No, I was 9.

--seconds.

Dwight stole your watch
and left a threat...

...about exposing a secret he knows
we probably don't want exposed.

If he's got the watch,
you got nothing to worry about.

The threat's his insurance policy.

You don't say nothing,
he'll return the favor.

Good to know. You're up.

NARRATOR: The Pie-Maker's gift of life
lasted for one precious minute only.

A minute he eagerly shared
with the Chuck of his life...

...to give her but half a minute
to catch up on a lifetime...

...with a father long lost.

Thirty seconds were all he could give,
and not a second more.

Ned?

Are you awake?

As Chuck soundlessly broke the bonds
of her plastic-wrap embrace...

...and snuck away
to see to business unattended...

...Vivian waited for Dwight Dixon,
gentleman caller...

...unaware her sister, Lily, chased him
off their front porch hours earlier.

At the Come and Sleep Motel...

...sister Lily would make certain
Dwight Dixon...

...gentleman caller,
would never call again.

[FOOTSTEPS]

[KEYS JINGLING AND LOCK CLICKING]

[GUN COCKS]

Way I see this,
we both got something you want.

What would that be,
my spicy cocktail?

I got my daughter's watch, and you got
your insides where you want them.

You're gonna dig up
Charlotte's grave...

...and you're gonna put this watch
back where you found it.

After you tell me your real story.

Well, it all began
when I was conceived...

...in the sweat and sawdust
of a traveling carnival.

My mother was an acrobat named--

And Chuck seemed to be waiting
for something else altogether.

I'm declaring it
an emotional snow day.

Huh? But you love that cook-off, and you
and Olive didn't get to go last year.

-I chose not to go last year. I was busy.
-Because of me.

I love being busy because of you.

And I'm looking forward to being busy
because of you for the rest of the day.

You can't do what you did last night
and not be a little overwhelmed.

Well, believe me, I feel plenty whelmed,
but, um, not overly.

Overly is on its way.

Probably looking in the window
right now.

You had to say hello again and goodbye
again to your dad in 30 seconds.

I just chose to look at it like 30 more
seconds than I was supposed to have.

-How did that go?
-It was still hard.

No matter how much
I budgeted my seconds.

The "hello-againing" was wonderful
and the "goodbye-againing" wasn't.

Oh, Ned.
Look, you should just go to the cook-off.

-You're trying to get rid of me.
-No, I'm not trying to get rid of you.

Maybe I need
an emotional snow day too.

You need an emotional snow day
from me?

Is this weird now? Are we weird now
because I did "it" with your dad?

No, we're not weird.
I've never been so in love with you.

But I'm also feeling
a lot of other things.

Things I want to tell you,
and can't tell you...

...and I'm afraid to tell you.

You don't have to tell me if you don't
want to. I mean, you do, eventually.

And I will, tonight, I promise.

But in the meantime,
Olive is depending on you.

She told me two years ago, she could
taste that first-prize blue ribbon.

That taste was replaced
with the bitter tang of defeat.

Bitter tang, bitter Olive. It's a story.

And today,
is gonna be a happy ending.

Come on, go to the cook-off.
Olive will love you for it.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Isn't it good to be back again?

Just you and me,
shoulder to shoulder, eye to eye...

...decorative hats fixed squarely
on sweaty brows...

...bonding in the fiery kiln
of competition that forges men's souls.

-We're baking pie, Olive.
-Not just pie, damn great pie.

This is our year. We're in such a better
place than we were two years ago.

I am no longer encumbered with the
tension of a sexual nature toward you.

I'm focused.
We should have won last time.

Would have won, had we not gotten
screwed by-- The Buffalo.

Oh, sweet Lord in heaven,
how I hate the Buffalo.

When you say "buffalo,"
do you mean the noble breed of bison...

...lost forever to settlers' greed
or the upstate New York hamlet...

...still thirsting for Super Bowl glory?

I mean that phony
whipping up those crap muffins.

Mary Ann Marie Beetle.
They call her the Pastry Slayer.

Leo Burns, the new Comfort Food Cook-
Off coordinator, lover of all things foody.

I love that all foods are welcome
at this year's Comfort Food Cook-Off.

It's like best in show,
only "best in belly."

Which means Buffalo Muffin will be
locking those horns with Colonel Likkin.

He and the Buffalo
are the teams to beat.

The colonel's been best-in-belly
blue-ribbon winner 15 years.

But there's an empty winner's plate
waiting to be loaded.

With damn great pie.

-Oh. Why, you're the Pie Holers.
-Yeah.

-I'm a very, very, very big fan.
-Stop.

As event coordinator, I'm not allowed
to say this, but I'm rooting for you.

Oh, thank you.

He's a dreamboat.
Well, tugboat, but still.

Let's set up, partner.

Ted. It's so nice to see
that you came back...

...after taking a year off
to lick your wounds...

...and hide in the dank shadows
of humiliating defeat.

-And you were so close.
-Yeah, mysterious.

It's as if someone deliberately sabotaged
our oven, Cheater McGee.

It's a poor workman
who blames his tools.

Keep your oven mitts to yourself.

I intend to, as I present more
award-winning muffins to the judges.

And you remember now,
losing doesn't make you a loser.

Oh, wait, it does.
Better get stuffing your pie holes.

NARRATOR: But despite
the freshly stoked heat of the competition--

Buffalo is going down.

--the Pie-Maker's thoughts
strayed away from pastries to be made...

...and toward Chuck.

Wondering what she could possibly
be afraid to tell him.

Hi, Dad.

NARRATOR: The secret Chuck was keeping
from the Pie-Maker...

...was born the night before.

Hello, again.

I know I don't look like
the Charlotte you remember, but--

Oh, you're the Charlotte
I remember all right.

Button-button. Cute as a button.

I miss you, Daddy.

-Isn't this nice?
-Yes.

Son of a bitch. Now I'm eating into
my "I love you" time.

Um, I.... I love you.

And, um, happy birthday.

Oh. It's-- It's my birthday?

-Not today, but it was gonna be.
-Then I died.

Yeah, I never got to give it to you,
but now I can.

So I guess it kind of is your birthday.

At that very moment,
a change of plan occurred to her.

Torn between the Pie-Maker she loved,
and the father she lost...

...Chuck acted on impulse.

You're gonna put on my glove.

When Ned touches you, you play dead.

The Pie-Maker
gave every second he could give.

I'm gonna dig you up in an hour.

And not a second more.

-You okay?
-Uh-huh.

It didn't feel like 20 years.

What did it feel like,
if it didn't feel like 20 years?

Gliding.

Holding your breath
and being able to breathe and just...

-...gliding.
-I didn't glide.

-What business would you have gliding?
-I died.

And then Ned touched me.

But there was no gliding, just Ned.

-And he never touched you again?
-No, he can't.

-Not without--
-Good.

How is this even possible?

You, me,
here again in the here-and-now...

...when we belong in the hereafter?

-Since when did death get a loophole?
-Since Ned.

Your dreams,
they're gonna be so vivid now.

-It's so neat. And my bees--
-You have bees?

Since you died. And then they died,
and then Ned touched them too.

Oh, God, and their honey.

You have never tasted
honey like this before.

I hate to look
in the gift horse's mouth...

...but I'm not gonna start craving
human flesh, am I?

No. Although everything does
taste better.

What's the catch, button?

Hiding me away like every stray cat, dog
and goose that met your acquaintance.

You don't want Nedly Deadly
to know that my bucket's still kicking.

Why?

-Is there a catch?
-Not that you're aware of.

-What?
-Not that I'm aware of.

And, um, if there's a catch...

...then I'm gonna catch it
before I get caught.

You gonna tell me
what that catch is, button?

I will, tonight, I promise.

As Chuck's plan was percolating...

...Private Investigator Emerson Cod...

...gently extracted the delicate flavors
of Bolivia Wara coffee grounds...

...for a smooth, clean
coffee experience...

...on a morning that would soon prove
to be anything but smooth or clean.

Emerson, I--

[SIGHS]

-I need your help.
-Friend help or pay help?

See that? That's body language
you never hear with pay help.

Ned brought my dad back to life,
for a minute.

When the minute was up, we
re-touched him. No biggie, but yes, biggie.

In the moment, my thinking
wasn't so much thinking...

...but feeling,
and I tricked Ned with my glove...

...and now my dad's still alive,
and Ned doesn't know and....

Please help me.

What's the part about your gloves?

I've used Ned.

And now my dad's alive
because of my impulse-control issues...

...and now somebody else is dead.

First of all, blow.

Second, just relax.

-You're not mad at me?
-Hell, yeah, I'm mad.

I'm steaming, furious, red-hot, and
don't think I ain't gonna yell at you later.

But, for now,
we should just put our heads together...

...and try to figure out what to do.

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

You're slowing the roll, chief.
I'm in the zone.

Working awful hard
for disappointment over there.

I'm going to win that blue ribbon, wrap it
around her neck and strangle her with it.

Olive, you're baking with hate.

Ah. Rich, buttery,
high-in-carbohydrate hate.

Know what no one tells you about
cooking with the dark side?

The food is really good.

Revenge is best served cold,
we're baking pie.

-Warm, delicious, happy-making pie.
-Help cook or get out of the kitchen.

Fine.

-Ah, the sweet smell of victory.
-Not this year, turd muffin.

-I'll shut your pie hole good.
-Bring it, stale cakes.

-We're gonna win.
-Who's "we," sucker? I'm gonna win.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[WOMAN CRYING]

My husband, the colonel, he's dead.

Whoa.

[OIL SPATTERING]

He's not just dead...

...he's extra crispy.

My husband, the colonel,
gone forever.

I'm afraid it looks like he collapsed
and fell into his own boiling oil.

I always knew one of his many
heart attacks would do him in.

At least the colonel
left this world frying.

-Should be some comfort.
-There's no comfort...

...in knowing that the secret recipe
will die along with him.

-It was his greatest and only legacy.
-Surely he wrote it down.

Surely he didn't.
My husband was a fat-frying savant.

He kept that recipe stored in his head.

If only I could have him back
for one minute...

...to preserve his lasting,
loving memory.

[CRYING]

Olive, I need your help.

Help me to help the widow.

How? Her husband's dead,
what are you gonna do?

Haul him back to life and say,
"Colonel, what's your recipe?"

Uh.... Maybe he left something behind.

Just distract the paramedics long enough
for me to, uh, examine the workstation.

OLIVE:
Ned.

Um....

Aah! Help! My eyes, they're bleeding.

Help, I can't see. I can't.

I got it on my fingers....

I finally know what my birds felt like.

I guess I'm dead, eh?

Heart attack. Not a lot of time, Widow
Likkin wants to preserve your recipe.

Good woman, my bride. Let's do it.

I got all 500 herbs and spices
right up here.

Better pull up a chair
and grab yourself a pen.

That sounds like a trip down
a lazy river we don't have time for.

Ah, you can't rush goodness.

-Did you say, "heart attack"?
-I did.

Shall we start
with the herbs or spices?

Bushwah. Some carpetbagging coward
snuck up behind...

...battered me in my own batter
and shoved me into boiling oil.

-That was murder, son.
-Really?

-And you didn't see who did it?
-Attacked from behind.

They were stealthy,
like a snake or a Yankee.

Let's hit the headlines of the recipe,
with the time left...

...we can circle back to the murder.
You sure you didn't write it down?

I got one handwritten copy.
I keep it right here in my--

Here in my--

Tarnation, this fat-frying process
seems to have robbed me of mobility.

NED: There's nothing in there.
-Impossible.

I've kept my recipe right there,
the same spot for 30 years.

-What scoundrel stole my secret recipe?
-I'll find out.

And I'll find out who killed you too.

-But now, I'm afraid time is up.
-I hate to go...

...but at least I'm going delicious.

Mmm.

Aah!

NARRATOR: And as the colonel
went back to being dead...

...Chuck faced the consequences
of her impulsive decision.

The bring-back-Dad part I don't regret.

How can anyone regret being
reunited with someone they love...

-...and thought they'd never see again?
-Point taken.

The big problem, maybe the biggest
problem, in an objective sense...

...is the dishonesty with Ned.

That and the
making-someone-else-less-alive part.

"Less alive." Nice euphemism, killer.

We were in the dead of night.

Maybe there was no one else there.
Maybe no one died.

You think this is a "sometimes" rule?
Ned lets somebody live longer...

...and somebody else
has to die sometimes? No.

It's every time. There's some sucker
out there dead in the leaves.

Oh, my God. Maybe some
sweet old lady with insomnia...

...bringing flowers
to her husband's grave....

It could have been anyone,
I could have killed any--

All right, either way,
we got another dead body to find.

A body deaded by Ned, only he don't
know about it, you never told him.

-Which is the wrong I'm correcting.
-I know what I did was wrong.

I was spurred to action in the moment.

Which leaves me living in the deep, dark
world of consequence.

But if you help me clean this up...

...Ned won't have to live anywhere
but the bright, happy world of pie.

-All we'll have to deal with is each other.
-And your daddy.

You can't keep that from him.

Okay. We'll find the body first.

But I'm telling you, right after that,
you go straight to pie boy.

Don't be pecking me, woman.

That's the peck of cahoots,
which we are definitely not in.

Well, thank you anyway.

[GRUNTS]

The cook-off will continue.

The colonel
would have wanted it that way.

His tragic heart attack
must be honored by us...

...his sacred community
of fellow chefs.

Who now all stand
a much better chance of winning.

Proceed.

I know it's a tragedy, obviously,
but you know what they say:

When God closes a door,
he opens an oven.

They don't. If they do, they don't
have compassion for a dead colonel.

I'm not gonna let you bait me
to get soft and compassiony...

...when we're this close
to nailing this competition.

What would you say if I told you I
think the colonel was murdered?

Boohoo, more room at the top.

Oh, my God, you're not kidding.

I think the colonel had a copy of his
recipe, and someone killed him for it.

How could you possibly know that
by just looking at his dead body?

I--

I'm an investigator.
Working with Emerson taught me things.

Deductive and inductive reasoning,
evidence gathering.

A dead body can say a lot
to the trained professional.

Mm-hm.

Anyway, my educated hunch
tells me that there's a murder to solve.

You've never solved
a murder mystery alone before.

I'm not alone.

Me?

Oh. I just got all tingly,
and not just in the nether regions.

Okay, how do we go about
this whole PI thing?

Just jam the gun
in the suspect's mouth and say:

"Sing, canary, or I'm gonna
decorate this wallpaper with your guts"?

Neither.

Technically, I don't believe you can
blow someone's guts out their mouth.

Wuss.

Holy smokes, our oven's smoking.

-Ned....
-Oh.

[GRUNTING AND COUGHING]

-Oh, sabotaged.
-Ow.

OLIVE: I bet it was the Beetle.
-I bet it was the colonel's killer.

This doesn't take the sting out of
the responsibility, but I brought cash.

When we find the body,
we take it to a funeral home...

...with the cash and a note that says,
"Every body deserves dignity.

Please bury this one."

It'll be just like leaving a baby
at a doorstep, only the tail end of things.

Huh. And the point of this
would be, say, what?

Closure.

Mm-hm.

I got a feeling the body we find is
gonna give you anything but closure.

-Where'd you get that idea?
-I didn't just get it.

It was given to me...

...by Dwight Dixon.

-What was Dwight Dixon doing here?
-Let me show you something.

-A rifle?
-Yeah.

Looks like sweet old Dwight
already had himself a shot lined up.

Your conscience might not feel
so weighty after you look through here.

Why would he have a gun?

That's my father's grave.
He was trying to kill us?

-Not if you killed him first.
-Why would he want us dead?

NARRATOR: As is traditional,
the "why" in this case...

...was met with an equal
and opposite "because."

Upon discovering that the pocket watch
he had stolen from Chuck...

...had been stolen back...

...Dwight set out to reclaim
the mysterious timepiece one last time.

Following Chuck to the graveyard,
Dwight assumed her intent...

...was to return the watch to the grave
from which it had been stolen.

Ready to pull the trigger
and reclaim his prize...

...Dwight paused, unbelieving
the unbelievable sight he saw.

Dwight's mind reeled at the sight
of the Pie-Maker and Chuck...

...desecrating Charles Charles' grave.

And, as is traditional,
he decided to put an end...

...to the thing he did not understand.

But, as all his reeling and unbelieving
had taken exactly 61 seconds...

...no shot was ever fired.

CHUCK: If I hadn't kept my dad alive,
I'd have been murdered twice.

-Once was enough.
-And Ned would be gone too.

Killing Dwight lights up three points
on our side of the cosmic scoreboard.

Plus you saved that bundle you would
have blown on burying Mr. Boom-Boom.

Better we bury him here.
I got shovels in the car.

We get him under dirt before the
pay-respects-at-lunch crowd shows.

By the time the grass
grows back over the plot...

...it'll be like
none of this ever happened.

I can't wait till it's like
none of this happened.

But it did happen.

NED: Someone sabotaged our oven.
The flame won't shut off.

Let it burn. Maybe it'll destroy
this building and its memories...

-...with the cleansing power of flame.
-Olive, we're staying in the contest.

-We are?
-Keep competing as a cover...

-...so we can investigate Likkin's murder.
-Winning would make an excellent cover.

Whoever killed the colonel
is a risk-taker.

-Desperate. Same as our saboteur.
-So find the saboteur, find the killer.

They took everything we need
to bake pies.

-I'm on it.
-Olive?

OLIVE: Vivian?
-Vivian?

Vivian, what are you doing here?
Oh, honey. Have you been crying?

I stopped by The Pie Hole,
but it was closed.

-And, yes, I was crying.
-Why's The Pie Hole closed?

It's man trouble, I can tell.

I knew Dwight Dixon
was heartbreak waiting to pop.

This is Lily's fault.

She aimed a shotgun at his privates
and told him to stay away from us.

But half of us is me,
and I don't want him away.

I want him close.

-Give us a minute.
-Vivian, it's, uh, good to see you.

OLIVE:
Come on.

Forgive me.

I'm so wrapped up in my man,
I'm thoughtlessly keeping you from yours.

Who? Ned?

No. No. We're partners in a contest.

Unromantic partners.
Like a brother and a sister.

Like an asexual,
androgynous brother and a sister. Heh.

My man?

[LAUGHING]

No, that's a laugh.

When Dwight didn't show up
for our date, I tried to laugh too.

Tried to tell myself
my feelings for him were silly.

But lying to yourself
about love never works.

-Damn.
-I know.

But still, I keep lying
and looking all the same.

If you see Dwight at The Pie Hole,
will you tell him about the looking part?

I'd like to see him.

I understand.

Boy, do I understand.

NED:
I've found something.

The saboteur who sabotaged our oven
left behind one sticky mistake.

Ooh, what is it?
Toxic soot with a dash of DNA?

It's sweet. Woodsy.

Like a Berkshire forest
on a crisp autumn morning.

-Oh. Caramelized sugar.
-Maple syrup.

Only one chef here
uses pure maple syrup.

-The Waffle Nazi.
-The Waffle Nazi.

Good, ja?

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

NARRATOR: Chuck had seen dead bodies
talk before, but this was different.

This was just her guilty mind
giving rise to her guilty feelings.

You're just my guilty mind
giving rise to my guilty feelings.

Doesn't change the fact
that you have royally screwed up.

-Fine. You talk. I'll shovel.
-Was it worth it?

Sure, fine, I'm a bad man, you saved
three good people by putting me down.

A three-for-one sale
on the grandest scale.

Any time with those shovels.

-What would you have done?
-Same thing, probably.

I'd have killed you too,
but here's the difference.

-Emerson!
-I would have told Ned by now.

-Shut up.
-Who you talking to?

Shut up!

Nothing. No one. I don't need
to talk to anyone about anything.

-Because my conscience is clear.
-Good, then grab a shovel.

Ned will never forgive you.

[GRUNTING]

This is an incredible violation
of the P.C.C.F.C.O. rule...

...that says no chef is allowed
in another chef's kitchen.

-It's immediate disqualification.
-Concentrate on the killer.

-That Waffle Nazi is likely our saboteur.
-Find the saboteur, find the killer.

-Find the sabo--
-Go, go, go.

-Me?
-Go!

MAN [OVER PA]:
Attention, contestants.

This is your 20 minute warning....

Any evidence linking
Waffle Nazi to Likkin...

...would wrap this case up in paper...

...and tie it up with a strong,
sturdy twine.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hey, you know
what I love about Vivian?

Her imagination. She thought
you and I were a couple now.

It's crazy, it's like imagining us
as hobbits.

Or on jetpacks.

Or hobbits on jetpacks.

[CHUCKLES]

Isn't the idea of us
romantically entwined...

...a panic, a scream, a four-hour
heart attack of complete impossibility?

It all makes sense.

-It does?
-This batter's better than batter.

It's the evidence we need
to wrap up this case.

Hooray.

What is it?

Mmm.

Delicious. Savory, not sweet.

Bursting with what's gotta be,
like, 500 herbs and spices.

It's the colonel's secret recipe.

-And the killer on a plate.
-Sir, I accuse you of--

Sabotage.
You have sabotaged mein irons.

-W-- We didn't do that.
-Don't cry , mein Herr.

Look. It's "justice o'clock."
I'm telling.

Well, Pie Holers...

...it looks as if you are to be
eliminated from the competition.

We're kicking you out
before you baked yourself out.

When Leo Burns tootles up
on his scooter...

...and sees how many rules
you have broken...

...your dreams of comfort-food
glory are kaput.

-You saw, we were sabotaged too.
-Liars roast in hell.

-Just saying.
NED: We're not the saboteurs.

Oh, yeah, my waffle cord leaped into
your arms like a puppy wanting love...

-...then cut itself in two.
-When we present the evidence...

...you can kiss the cook-off
auf Wiedersehen.

WAFFLE NAZI :
Hm?

-It's "goodbye" in German.
-I do not speak a word of German.

I speak English mit a German accent.

Pageantry.

We found this batch of the colonel's
secret recipe in your kitchen.

That's a big bowl of motive, Fritz.

[WITHOUT GERMAN ACCENT]
Are you suggesting murder? Pfft. Ridiculous.

Herr Likkin and I were soon to become
business partners.

Chicken and waffles?

Would've caught Popeyes
with their pants down.

[SCOOTER WHIRRING]

What in the name of Julia Child
are you people doing?

I can't count the number of
rules violations going on.

I'm so disappointed.

There may be the appearance of rules
broken, but there's a bigger picture.

-I just haven't finished painting it.
-Yeah, we're not the saboteurs.

Poppycock.
The Pie Hole is disqualified.

Wha--?

[PANTING]

All right, that ought to do it.
Let's get out of here.

Wait. We need a priest, or a rabbi,
or somebody to say something.

-What?
-Dwight might not have been nice...

...but everybody deserves
a burial with dignity.

Fine, I got buttloads of dignity
to sprinkle on the ground.

-Come on, get holy.
-Thank you.

Here lies Dwight, here lies his gun.
He was bad, and now he's done.

-Let's go.
-Wha--?

All this and I still have
to deal with my mother.

Don't you mean father?

[CAT YOWLS]

EMERSON:
Lily.

-Delighted.
-Can the crap and sell it to tourists.

-What are you doing here?
-What are you doing here?

Waiting for Dwight Dixon.

Well, uh, he may disappoint.
Men do that.

What's with the shotgun?

LILY: Military salute.
-For Dwight Dixon?

For Charles.

But if I happen to miss
and blow Dwight's head off...

...purely by accident...

...well, that's something my lawyers
can pretty much sort out later.

Well, uh, so lovely catching up.

Well, that's everything.

But there's no trunk
big enough to carry...

...my busted dreams
of blue-ribbon victory.

Back to The Pie Hole,
which is empty...

...which is strange,
because Chuck should be there.

The colonel's chicken booth.

An empty nest, chock-full of clues.

A really bold detective team
would sneak over...

...for one last bit of recon before
packing up their pots and pans for good.

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Remember, baker hats and hairnets...

...must be worn at all times.

NED:
Memorize the scene, every detail.

The prints in the batter, footprints,
the gurney tracks. What's that?

Oh, sprinkles.

I love sprinkles.

You love clues. Two great tastes
that taste great together.

-Ugh.
-Painted plastic. Cheap jewelry.

Left here
before the colonel was killed.

Which means they belong to the killer.

WOMAN:
Attention, contestants.

This is your 10-minute warning.

[PANS CLANGING
THEN NED & OLIVE GRUNT]

[HUMMING]

The most important thing is to
keep our wits and our nerves steady.

There's no good in freaking out,
so don't go crazy...

...and start, I don't know, kissing me,
or something ridiculous.

Just because we're locked in a trunk,
we could die at any minute....

What are you--?

Hey! Clean thoughts, chum.

Uh? Ah.

[SQUEALS]

-Whew.
-Heh, heh.

-Aah!
-Oh!

Don't make me whip up
another batch of beat down.

OLIVE: Look, cheap plastic earrings.
-You're the killer.

You're the killer.
You deep-fat-fried the colonel.

Suppose you were gonna bake me
in my own oven.

Nobody's baking anybody.

If you weren't here to kill the colonel,
what were you doing?

I thought the colonel
died of a heart attack.

I only snuck in here to try to....

-You're the saboteur.
-But not the killer.

Sabotage is a disqualifying offense. Ha.

In the good Lord's good name,
have mercy.

I need that blue-ribbon prize
if Muffin Buffalo is to roam again.

You see before you
a desperate woman, not a killer.

Mary Ann Marie Beetle,
you can't be in here.

Disqualified.

Pie Holers, you can't be
in here at all. Banned for life.

Which reminds me, I forgot to report
your disqualification to judges...

-...which I'm gonna do now.
-You're the killer.

Hey. Me? Look at me.

I ride a scooter.
What kind of killer could I possibly be?

The kind that leaves tracks.

Those are gurney tracks...

...where the paramedics
wheeled away Colonel Likkin.

Those treads that go from the batter
back to the deep fryer are killer tracks.

Yours.

Those are hot-oil burns on your hands.

Did the colonel spatter
when you deep-fat-fried him...

...you sick son of a bitch?

Pixie dust and lemonade.
You have no proof.

That story will never hold up in court.

This will.

Oh, the colonel's secret recipe.

-You're busted, tubby.
-News is out.

NARRATOR:
The facts were these:

One year ago,
Leo Burns was a slender and happy...

...but slightly lonely man.

One day, he chose
to drown his sorrows...

...in a bucket of Colonel Likkin's
Southern Fried Chicken.

Which led to another and another.

And soon, the colonel's unique blend
of 500 herbs and spices...

...were all Leo could eat.

Diabetes, obesity and night blindness
were all quick to follow...

...the coated volumes of wings,
breasts and thighs Leo ate.

Having lost himself to Likkin...

...Leo vowed to destroy the colonel
and his precious recipe.

Leo volunteered as this year's
Comfort Food Coordinator...

...waiting for the colonel
to make his annual appearance...

...which would become
his final appearance.

But Leo could not bring himself
to destroy...

...the secret recipe
that robbed him of his life...

...and that was his undoing.

[GRUNTING]

MAN [OVER PA]:
Attention, cook-off contestants.

All entries must be at the judges' table
in 30 seconds.

Thirty seconds.

Leo never reported our disqualification.

What could we do in 30 seconds?
Our oven is broken.

Revenge is a dish best served cold...

...which is why I brought
one of your icebox pies...

...stored it in our fridge
and called it "Plan B."

Don't mean squat
if it isn't on the table in--

MAN:
Twenty seconds. Twenty seconds.

[YELLING]

Move it!

[CHEERING]

[BUZZER RINGS]

The colonel would be so proud.
Now that I have the recipe...

...that nice doughnut man and I
are gonna go into business together:

Finger Likkin Doughnut Holes.

Sounds delicious. And filthy.

America's favorite.
You'll make a fortune.

WIDOW LIKKIN: Thank you.
-Shh, shh, shh.

The blue-ribbon first prize...

...in this year's annual
Comfort Food Cook-Off goes to...

...The Pie Hole.

Ned.

[CHEERING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[SINGING "ETERNAL FLAME"]

NED:
It's Chuck.

It's Olive.

No, it's Chuck. I don't know where she is.
Said she'd be at The Pie Hole all day.

If she was,
she would have answered her phone.

Maybe she's stepping out.
Stepped out.

I don't know where she is.
Vivian doesn't know where Dwight is.

What if Dwight leaving Chuck's obituary
was more than an insurance policy?

Do you mind if I go look for her?

No, I don't mind.

Sorry to leave you with the mess.

I'm used to the mess.

[CONTINUES SINGING]

-Olive?
-Huh?

Congratulations, partner.

Congratulations to you too, partner.

[CONTINUES SINGING]

-Ned.
-Hello, Vivian.

Lily. I was in the neighborhood,
passing by really...

...when I wondered if you might like
some pie, which I forgot to bring.

But while I'm here, I was also wondering
if you knew where I might find Dwight.

Ninth circle of hell,
if there's any justice.

Lily, stop.

We don't know where Dwight is.

How could you forget a thing like pie?
I find that curious. It comes in a box.

Say, you got a squatter
in your old digs over there?

Hm?

I'll find out.

NARRATOR: The Pie-Maker braced himself
to find Chuck held hostage...

...by the deadly, desperate
Dwight Dixon....

NED:
Chuck?

-I was worried. I thought--
CHARLES: Charlotte?

It's okay, Dad.

"Dad"?

I was gonna tell you.

[ENGLISH SDH]