All language subtitles for Liquid assets USAC

Please try to understand, Ploxy. I hate
to leave you. I love the farm and

Trotsville, but I have to go. You see,
out there is fame, fortune, and success.

I'm going to be a famous actress on
Broadway, and a celebrity, and maybe

to Hollywood and do a film or something.

My oodles of talent.

My high school English teacher even told
me so after the senior play.

She said, Susie, you should be on a
stage.

I wonder what she meant when she said
that one was leaving in ten minutes.

Besides, Patsy, Daddy needs the money
I'm going to make to save the farm.

Well, don't you worry none, because I
already have a job.

Practically. See?

Actress Wanted.

Famous theatrical producer seeks young
girl for a starring role in major stage

production. No experience necessary.

Well, this is goodbye.

So you be good, keep your head clean,
and don't shit in the barn.

I don't know what kind of play this is
going to be.

Oh, bitter faith.

Our funds have petered out, and the wolf
is at the door.

Is there no justice for the artist?

Justice overdue rent bill.

Liquid ass.

Liquid ass.

Liquid ass.

Dan, we've got to do something quick.
Are you sure that brother -in -law of

yours, that lawyer, what's his name?

Phil Post.

Yes, him.

Hasn't he found some rich investor?

Someone who can invest lots of cash in
your play?

No, not yet.

Liquid assets.

Liquid assets.

Liquid assets. The first true and
authentic dramatic rendering of intimate

of the Tsar and his family in the last
dark days of the revolution.

If you don't hide them, you'll have to
pay.

Ah, dear sweet darlings, darling
innocent family.

Why, the pay pass alone is worth a drama
critic's award.

The pay pass alone isn't worth two shits
towards the rent bill.

And without a theater, all this is, is
900 sheets of toilet paper.

That's it.

You're speaking of my masterwork.

My chaise d 'oeuvre.

My odeur.

A work of monumental dramatic
importance.

Tolstoy crapped his shame.

Tolstoy didn't have to steal soup from
the men's room at McDonald's.

We only had a sexy young girl to play
the part of Princess Anastasia.

Then we'd use her to capture its backer.

Yes, I placed an ad in all the trade
papers.

That's a brilliant idea, my dear.

Imagine an ad.

An ingenue.

Fresh blood for the theater.

Long flowing hair over her firm white
shoulders.

Lips soft and red.

Breasts like melons in season.

Oh, the theater will come alive with her
magnificent performance.

I wonder if I should fuck her before or
after the first rehearsal.

Now, Ms. Flader, please get this letter
very accurately.

Ready? Okay, we commence.

Dear Mr. Cashbox, in reviewing your tax
case with the highest legal references,

I have the displeasure to inform you
that your present tax position is one

should earn you from three to five years
in the penitentiary.

Cash box.

I don't understand why we can never go
to your house to make love.

I know that you love me, but you respond
so strangely whenever I mention going

to your place.

Oh, it's merely for a change of scenery,
sweatpits.

Oh, you mean you get tired of your king
-size bed and their oriental rugs on the

floor and the original Rembrandt.

Or... Is it that you're just trying to
avoid that old battle axe of a theater

critic, Billy Haggard?

What do you know about Billy and I? I
thought we were keeping a low profile.

Everybody knows about you and Billy.

Since your case is scheduled to come up
before Judge Hangman on the 15th, and

since your tax delinquency and
shenanigans are in such flagrant

number of tax laws, I would advise you
to pack your bags in preparation for a

long trip.

Oh, Miss Flater.

Does she have as nice a body as I?

No, of course not, my dear.

Thank you for your attention.

The way I do?

No, no, no. Of course not. But she'd cut
it off if she even thought I was with

another woman.

Do you think she gives you the love and
passion?

No.

No.

Oh, love, it makes me feel so wonderful
to feel you inside of me.

That's it. Let me get a little closer to
your breasts. They're so firm.

Like a little girl.

Oh, gosh, Bones.

Just for you.

For you.

See how hard the nipples get?

Sweet little rosebuds.

Oh, gosh. I love it when you touch them
that way.

Oh, it gives me great pleasure, too.

Your muscles tightening around me.

Tight and wet and hot.

Oh, God.

I feel you coming again.

Huh? You drive me to passions beyond my
wildest dreams.

I can feel you coming. Yes, I feel it.

And it makes me want to come too.

Help me.

Help me.

I'm terribly attracted to older men.

The only possibility of escaping your
just fate would be for me to arrange a

meeting with Mr. Quinn.

He is presently employed by the tax
collector by day, but he works by night

independently as a loophole salesman.

He is so thoroughly familiar with the
complexities of the tax laws that I am

sure that he will be able to sell you a
tax loophole, which will resolve your

problem. I have therefore arranged a
meeting.

With him for tomorrow night at 8 p .m.
at Hindergrin's restaurant.

Yours very truly, etc., etc., etc.

P .S.

Please bring cash.

Did you get all that, Miss Fleta?

Oh, Miss Fleta. Miss Fleta, I can't
stand it any longer.

I don't want to feel those firm breasts
against my chest.

Oh, I desire you. I want you.

To feel those smooth, creamy thighs
wrapped around me.

Your passion, your heat.

I've got to have you right now, here and
now. Kiss me, Flater.

You're such a turn -on.

You never argue, you don't fight.

Take this cock and put it right into
your mouth.

Oh, come on, you feel it soft now.

Take it in deep.

That's it. Now, let me see you give it
some head. Good, long stroke like that.

Oh, you never argued. Just what I tell
you. I love that fact about you. Oh,

on it good.

Take it back and in.

Oh, you feel it getting harder?

Feel it getting harder? That's good. Oh,
suck it.

Oh, it's so nice and moist.

Oh, not a word out of your mouth, which
I love.

Diligent worker. You never fight. You
never argue. You never quibble.

Oh, I like it. My cock is getting nice
and stiff now in your

warm mouth.

I want to fuck you now.

Look at my penis inside you. Is that
okay?

Good. Oh, don't lose that.

Come over here with me.

Right here.

And don't say a word.

Lie back.

Ouch. Right here and right now.

Stay like that. Don't move. You're
losing your hair, sweetheart.

Okay.

I like you better as a blonde.

How's that? Good?

Good.

Oh, I love it. My penis is inside your
warm, moist pussy.

It's getting harder and harder and
harder.

Do you like the missionary position?

I love it myself.

I would sign a deposition any day,
anywhere, that you are the perfect

loyal secretary.

I won't come inside your pussy. Oh, no.
No paternity suits for me. You're not

going to submit for child support.

I'm going to put it right in your
bunghole. Don't move.

Right in your ass.

Come on, come on, come on.

I like it better as a brunette.

Oh,

I love your ass.

Oh, pro bono, ipso facto.

Don't say anything. You having a good
time? Good.

You feel my cock, how hard it is?

I'm going to come all over your back.
You don't mind, do you?

Good girl.

You ready?

I'm going to take a few nips of you. Do
you mind? I'm going to take a little

bite that you like so much. Helps you
cum when I cum.

You ready?

and I'd go all the way from Charleston
just to get a part in your great epic

Peace and War.

My God, I don't believe it.

The angel bait we've been looking for.

My dear child, welcome to New York and
the theater.

My name is Stan Slavsky and this is my
assistant, Bessie.

Hey.

You just kissed your own head.

I know.

Now, the first thing you must do is get
yourself a good theatrical lawyer.

I just happen to have the card of the
most eminent theatrical lawyer in the

world, Cyrus P. Philpas.

See him as soon as you can.

Stan, why don't we have Betsy read for
the part of Anastasia, the Tsar's

favorite daughter, and if you like, I'll
read the part of the Tsarina.

That's a marvelous idea.

You see, Susie, my play takes place in
Russia in the last dark days of the

War. Russia has been bled white.

You must read this part with great
pathos and deep feeling.

Start on page 506.

Mama Zarina, now that the Hun is forced
into the miserable peace treaty of

Brest... Brestlet... Brestletovsk!

Never mind, my dear. No matter. Go on.

Tell me which panties I should wear to
the ball, the pink or the blue?

She turns aside and faces Zarina over.

She just read stage direction.

But look at those tits.

The Menjiviks have sold us down the
river.

I think the blue are best, you miserable
wretch.

Rasputin likes blue, and I know that he
got into your panties last night after

he left my bed.

Um...

But Mama Zarina, he told me that I could
not be saved unless I had first sinned.

I sinned four times with him. Twice down
there, once between my tiny teeth.

Breath. Too dim with breath.

And once in the ass. What a liver.

Lover, you bumpkin lover.

But Mr. Slotsky, it says liver.

L -I -V -E -R.

Never mind, dear.

Go on.

Anastasia, I fell for that same stupid
line.

But you, you were supposed to be
smarter.

Didn't we have you instructed on how to
read and write?

Yes, but the mystic monk Rasputin has
instructed me in other subjects, too.

no, no.

How can you take such perfect prose and
turn my exquisite words into such

banalities? You must understand the
deeper significance.

And you move like a plow horse.

Here, let me show you as you read the
words.

You move this way as you read the words.

This way. Mr.

Stan, do you have to hold me there? It's
like my breasts are very sensitive.

Nonsense. Nonsense. Just say the words
and I'll show you how to move.

Mr. Stan, you're squeezing my tit.

My dear, you do have to make some
sacrifices for your art.

You're squeezing it too hard. You're
going to make it black and blue.

Oh, did I really hurt it? Let me look
and see.

Mr. Stan, I'm not that kind of girl.

Susie, Susie.

Let me kiss it and make it better. Oh,
no, you don't. I promise my daddy back

talk so that I stay pure and clean.

You do want the pot, don't you?

I want the pot.

I'm very, very talented.

My high school English teacher even told
me so.

Okay.

Okay.

Just let me kiss your tits. No!

My daddy back to talk so that I make it
better.

All right. All right. He's got the pot.

He's got the pot.

touch me there and there are all kinds
of degenerates in the big city and that

should look out for and that i shouldn't
just let anybody at all spread my legs

did that mean mean girl hurt my poor
stand what a nasty

girl here let betsy help stand come on

yes suck on best soft

breath that's right

Yes, yes.

Yes, suck on Bessie's hard nipple.

That'll make you feel better, Stan.

Yes.

That's good.

Come on.

Whoa, where does it hurt? Come on, baby.

Don't go on me now. Come on, come on.

Oh, here we are. Right there.

Don't move.

Don't move now.

Don't move.

No. There. That's not it.

Oh,

right here. Right here. Don't move.
Don't move.

Hello, lawyer. My name is Susie, and I'm
from Trotsville.

So what?

Well, I've come to New York to be a
famous actress, and I need a slick New

lawyer to draw up a contract for my
first starring role with Mr. Stan Fox.

that dimwit?

Yes. He's going to make me a big star in
his epic play, Peace and Glory.

That son of a bitch brother of mine lost
his marbles for real this time.

Did you say... No, nothing, nothing.

Goddamn tape's not working.

Well, see, he said that I need a
theatrical contract in order to be a big

and sue everybody in sight.

I'll have $100.

Oh, well, in that case, my, what a nice
pair.

Nasty girl's all gone now.

Ooh.

Look what the nasty girl did to Sam's
poo -poo.

Made it all hard and hot.

Oh, poor Stan.

Betsy will make you feel better, okay?

I'll put my tongue and my mouth around
it.

Now I'll sock it.

Oh, that's Dan.

Fucking director.

Just go over to that drawer over there.
It's full of the latest model theatrical

contracts. Okay.

No, no, no, no, no.

Dumbbell. Can you see that all the
contracts in this drawer are broken?

Go to the next one.

No, no, no, no. Go lower. Lower.

No, skip it. Skip it. Go lower. Lower.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Will you please the contract?

Yeah, yeah, let me see.

I'm having an eye come up. I have to
read over your shoulder.

It comes from reading newspapers on the
subway.

It's an incurable illness, they tell me.

There, that's better. I can even see the
fine print from this position.

Lawyer Philpott, do you know that you're
squeezing my tits?

Well, yes, yes, undeniably.

In fact, I feel that we should discuss
the rest of your legal problems over

dinner tonight.

I'm dining with some of my colleagues,
and I think it would be a good idea...

Lawyer Philpott, I'm not that kind of
girl.

Uh, strictly business, of course.

Oh, we could always have a nightcap
later on in my apartment.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

You animal.

Fuck me, you animal. You stud.

Don't stop fucking me.

to San Juan Hill.

Oh, you're the best.

Oh, darling.

Oh, baby.

Oh, it's good, isn't it? Yes.

I just wish you gave it to me more
often.

Oh, you're the best.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh,

Cashbox. Don't stop, darling.

Don't stop.

Don't stop fucking me. Oh, darling.

Oh, baby.

Oh, it's good, isn't it? Yes.

Oh, I feel it happening.

Oh, Billy.

Oh, it's good.

Oh, is it good for you?

It's good for me, Captain.

Oh, I'm going to come, Billy.

Come, Captain. Make me come.

Oh, darling.

Oh, yes.

Yeah. Oh.

You don't love me anymore.

Oh, Billy, I do, I do. You know that.

You used to fuck me with enthusiasm.

What made you lose interest?

Don't lie to me. It's another woman,
isn't it?

My love, how can you accuse me of such a
thing?

Easily. You're a man, aren't you?

Oh, come on. You got that line right out
of the play we saw last night.

It's because you...

Review all these Broadway plays for the
Daily Rag doesn't mean you're supposed

to believe the dialogue, too, you know.

Cashbox, you can fool some of the people
all of the time, but don't try and pull

the wool over my eyes.

I don't have to be America's foremost
critic to know what every woman knows,

that you don't love me anymore.

You used to fuck me with more interest.

Oh, I love you, I love you!

It's just I have this little...

problem on my mind. I may have to go
away for a while. Three to five years.

A little disagreement with the tax
people.

Only three to five?

The way you've been fucking around with
the government, I'm surprised they don't

put you away for life.

Hey, well, you know, it's tough when
you're in the 99 % tax bracket.

You'll do anything rather than have to
sell shoelaces in front of

Bloomingdale's.

But there's hope.

There's still hope.

A fast plane to Argentina?

Oh, Billy, I could never leave you. You
know that.

No, Phil Potts, my attorney, has
arranged a meeting with a Mr. Quim.

He's a tax expert.

So unacquainted with the tax laws, he's
got more loopholes than a cable -knit

sweater. As a matter of fact, I'd better
get going.

Quim doesn't like to be kept waiting.

Charge is by the hour.

Hey, don't worry about it. He said he'd
be here at 9 o 'clock. He'll be here at

9 o 'clock. I bet you can sit your watch
by this guy. Excuse me, sir.

Your table is now ready. I'm sorry for
the delay, but this is one of the

nights of the year for us. Please follow
me.

Ah, my savior in land.

Sit, sit.

Mr.

Cashbox, it is my pleasure to introduce
to you Rufus P. Quinn.

Hack, loophole expert, power salon, fill
up.

Genius of the floating decimal.

Master of the multiple leisure.

Hero of the hidden account.

I want you to know that after long and
tedious, painstaking hours of deep,

diligent research... into your very own
personal financial problem.

Taximus Maximus.

That's what we call it.

Mr. Quill has shown his exceptional
skill and has dug deep, deep into the

heap that make up this national tax.

And he has discovered a loophole
solution, which is so brilliant, so

Quite frankly, I think he's surprised
even himself, haven't you? Wait a

Taximus Maximus, what's that?

What's he talking about?

That's a technical term, Mr. Cashbox.

What it means is... The tax collector is
after your ass.

Tell me something I don't know.

Oh.

Sorry, this is Miss Slimkitz. I'm
helping her get started in the theater

business. Good oral style.

Shows great promise. Great delivery.
Moves well.

And, uh... Oh, uh, this is Susie.

Gee, I just love older men.

Great pubic hair makes my mouth water.

Now, Mr. Quinn will explain the ipso
facto of the modus operandi pertaining

the proposed solution of your
problemicus toxicologis, which you have,

Cashbox. Go ahead, Quinn.

Oh, now we're getting somewhere.

First, I need not tell you, Mr. Cashbox,
that loopholes of this type that you

require do not grow on trees.

However, I think I did find one.

And since Phil Potts here tells me that
money is no object, I was saving it for

a rainy day, but it does look a little
cloudy.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Why don't we just trade umbrellas?

Ah.

This loophole is a theatrical tax
shelter, which is calculated to bring in

lowest diminishing returns possible in
the shortest fiscal period.

Yes.

The bottom line is that you will
practically go broke overnight.

That's good.

And thereby, stay out of jail.

That's good. That's good.

Quite so. Now, let me elaborate on this
historic adventure.

You've heard of Stan Slavsky, the
theatrical director?

Well, he operates this off -Broadway
playhouse called the Theater Hysterium.

It's off, off, way off -Broadway.

It's like it's the perfect location for
what we need.

Cozy, intimate.

damp, that special atmosphere that we're
looking for.

Early dungeon.

Yeah, yeah.

Slavsky is also the writer of the play
you want to produce.

Titled either Comes the Revolution or
Peace and War.

Stirring drama about the Russian
Revolution.

Sure to be the biggest theatrical
disaster in a decade.

Which will bring you the largest tax
write -off in the annals of Taxicus

Historius. Chapter 11.

Get the picture?

Okay. Alright, let me get this straight
now.

I produce this ridiculous play in a
dilapidated theater, it bombs, and I

out of jail, right?

A most accurate summation of the plan,
Mr. Cashbox.

My learned colleague and myself will
further ensure the demise of this

blight that will enhance you from your
financial entanglement.

It is a true coup du jour.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What makes
you guys so sure this is going to work?

Petit Lamar.

Oh, that's stupid of me.

Of course.

What's a Tootsie no more?

The worst actress in the business.

In fact, she's the worst actress in the
world.

The worst actress to walk the boards in
this country.

The worst actress since Mata Hari.

Mata Hari was shot.

Well, Tootsie's half shot. She's loud,
she's vulgar, she's clumsy, and she's

been banished from every stage in this
country ever since her children's

of Pinocchio.

in which you sat nude on the puppet's
face. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Say

more. Say no more. I got the picture.
Broad sounds horrendous.

I love her already.

Just tell me one thing. Where'd you find
such a totally inept, repulsive

performer?

Doesn't hurt.

She's my sister.

Okay, guys, deal me in. Phil Potts, make
the arrangements.

Let's get started.

Oh, my goodness.

Wait, wait, wait.

Poor kid.

Mr. Philpott's a not that kind of girl.

So, meet me at my office tomorrow, and
we can divert the funders to my atarium

and sign the required documents out of
the galleon. Yeah, yeah, bring the bread

and sign the papers.

Don't worry.

Good evening, gentlemen.

My father was an older man.

At least I think he was.

I wonder if he wears a truss.

Maybe I'm attracted to his wrinkles.

Boom, boom, three of them, four of them.

Please sign the documentary legalis
right over there, please, so we can

defunding illegalis into operation.

Okay. Very, very good.

Rubber stamp, there we go.

That ought to do it.

You know, uh, Quim Lupo worked out to a
piece for us. I gotta hand it to you,

really. The guy's a genius.

I knew it would. I knew it would. But
he's weird, you know.

What's so weird about my brother, Quim?

Him and I are like two peas in a pot.

And honey, there ain't nothing strange
about me.

You must be Quim's sister. Yeah. The
famous actress.

Yeah, you're goddamn right I am. That's
me. Honey, I'm the best fucking actress

around. Trouble is, these cocksucking
New York producers, they wouldn't know

difference between a hot piece of ass
and a pile of shit.

Tootsie, Tootsie, you got to keep it
down. The staff. I have a respectable

office here. Oh, cream lawyers. I tell
you, they cost me a fucking fortune with

their torts, their cards. You just talk
a little bit more softly.

You're not on stage now.

You have something vitally important to
discuss. Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I

know, I know. You've got the best
fucking script in the world. And you're

to fall right on the balls of their ass
unless you've got me to bail you and

your piece of shit plan. I bet the
difference does happen to be a very good

about the Tsar.

Oh, great.

Do I get to fuck him? Who?

The Tsar, you asshole!

Jesus, Phil, you better close the
window.

You can hear it brought down in the
street.

You know...

You've got the sexiest elevator in the
world.

Elevators really turn me on. You know,
it's all that up and down action.

And it gets me so hot and wet that I
have a rotten day unless I get sweetened

up. Oh, right now I could just use a
high and stiff cock.

No, no. How this?

Not in front of the window. Not in front
of the window. Jesus Christ.

Philpots, do we really need this? I
mean, this world's going to get us

an indecency charge.

You better go along with it, or we'll
get very upset if we don't use it.

Hey, are you boys going to talk all day?

All right, we're going to fuck.

Oh, Miss, uh, Miss Tootsie, Tootsie, uh,
we invited you here to offer you a

starring role in a production that I'm
financing, and I want you to, there's a

terrific role in this new.

Role? Did you say role?

Do you boys want to see Tootsie roll?

Well, I don't roll nobody. I mean, if
you want to throw me a couple of bucks

after we fuck, that's all right with me,
but, uh, listen. I'll do it for free.

No, no, no, no. It won't be necessary,
Miss Lamar. It won't be necessary. You

can highly recommend it. We don't have
to see you in the... Hey!

What kind of audition is this anyway?

Are you boys on the level?

I've never been to an audition where I
didn't get to fuck the producer.

I mean, it's part of showbiz.

Do we really... Do I really... Do I
really have to go through with this...

this lady?

Well, as your legal counselor, I
strongly suggest you do.

I'll fumigate the place with Lysol when
she leaves. The couch can be

reupholstered. Enjoy yourself.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

That's a first -class Vance if I've ever
seen one.

And believe me, honey, I've seen a lot
of them.

I'll just blow this up here and we'll
see what we've got to work with.

You, my darling.

Uh,

Mr. T, you...

You really don't have to do this, you
know. You have the part. You don't have

to. Hey, if I don't get a piece of an
ass out of this audition, I don't want

your stinking job, you hear? You can
take your play and shove it.

Honey, when I'm hot, I'm hot.

You'd better have coitus disgustus,
brother.

We're depending on her for the success
of the production.

Oh, Mr. No, Mr. Tootsie, please.

I mean, the dramatics. I mean, it's
really unnecessary.

Oh,

Mr. No, Mr. Tootsie, please.

How are you, my baby?

You're sick, aren't you?

Let me fix you here.

Look at you. Just look at you.

Come on, honey. Come on, fuck me. Come
on, fuck me now.

Anything you say, Miss Coetzee. Anything
you say. All right.

This will be the best audition of my
life. I can feel it.

Oh, yeah.

Come on. Don't feel good, do you?

No mouth to mouth.

Come on.

She's dead.

I think I killed her.

Come on, fuck me.

I know.

Black one.

It's dramatic.

Look. Look.

Look.

She's dead.

I killed her.

You already have to understand. She
stopped fucking. It was justifiable

homicide. I didn't need to do it.

I don't care, Miss Butchie. All right.

It's all right.

That's the best fucking audition I've
ever done. I'll take the part.

Boy, you two really know how to produce
a play.

Pimps.

Pornographers.

prostitutes.

I have been entrusted by the government
of this country with the power to put

vile criminals such as these behind
thick iron bars.

They should be locked up forever.

Throw away the key.

Pimps, prostitutes, pornographers.

They defile the land.

Threaten the very sanctity of the
American family unit with their

filth.

Excellent.

The law is very clear about pimps
preying on the

virginal beauty of our women.

They suck dry the essence of all that is
pure and innocent,

beddling it on the streets.

Twenty years.

Hard labor.

Law's position on whores is clear.

Prostitutes are wanted women leading
astray the husbands

and fathers of our great land.

Just having them in my court cell is a
very honor of this establishment.

Ten years.

Each count.

Hard labor.

Very good.

A little bit to the right.

Pornographers are the worst.

With their filthy books and magazines.

Films flaunting those young bodies.

I'd lock them up for life if I could.
And it is my solemn sworn duty to give

these offenders the true measure of the
law.

Time and time again.

In a never -ending battle against the
hordes of perverts that fill the

darkest damp recesses of our great
metropolis.

These people suck the life from our very
social structure.

That's nice.

It's a great responsibility being a
judge.

You have to spread the truth wide.

Wheel sold to justice with a swift
stroke.

It gets to be a harder task every day.

Harder and harder.

And after years on the bench, punishing,
lecturing,

berating, scum of the earth, it all

comes to this.

Come, come.

Come.

You

old

men always have so much.

Legislating the social behavior in this
society.

It's a sticky situation.

I rest my case.

Did I ever tell you I was fatally
attracted to older men?

Casting has become an instinct with me,
Bessie. I can cast in my sleep.

For example, name any character I've
seen in the war.

Rasputin the Mad Monk.

Excellent choice.

Rasputin. Let me think.

There.

There is our Rasputin.

Where?

My good man.

My good man.

You are about to begin a glorious
journey into a new and marvelous world.

Rasputin, eh?

Well, you will need a monk's robe and
you'll have to get him to switch from

stuff to vodka.

It will work.

I can direct anyone.

Trust me. Have I ever been wrong?

Always.

Quiet, everyone.

Quiet. Quiet!

Good. Now let's begin.

We'll take it from the Tsar's speech.

Places, everyone.

Oh, the Ukrainian sun has risen on dark
days. The peasants are rumbling.

It's all I forced.

I rumbled too.

But, here are some of your loyal cousin
subjects to report on how your people

really feel. Come, come to me. Fear me
not. I am your czar. This, your czarina.

And this is our favorite daughter, this
Areshna.

I consider all of my loyal subjects as
my children.

My, uh... Zardines!

You be quiet.

It's even worse than I thought.

I'm fucking believable.

Child, do you seem abreast of the times?

Do you find the peasants revolting?

No, sire.

Will you help me defend Mother Russia?

It would be an honor to serve underneath
you, sire.

Papa Tsar, the Mensheviks are at the
back door and the Bolsheviks are at the

front door and the Litvaks are waiting
their turn.

Ha! Our armies will repel them.

We'll spread their flanks and cut off
their rear.

Cut off their rear sounds Greek to me.

And what does visionary madman Rasputin
have to predict?

If there are traitors in Moscow, then he
must do an arrest.

It was ridiculous.

It was anything like this.

It's hot in here.

Mercy. I gotta have a drink.

No, no.

Must take a break. I must have time to
compose myself.

Break, everyone. Five minutes.

Phil Potts, I gotta hand it to you. You
know that?

Good job.

Well, you see, as promised, Cashbox, the
declination of working capital will

expedite your tax shelter loss of vigor.

You've lost a quarter of a million
dollars on rehearsals alone.

Monetarium deterioratum is the legal
term for it. Hey, listen, I can feel the

dough slipping through my fingers right
now. Are you kidding me? I'm home free.

I beat the government.

My get -out -of -jail -free card worked.

Let's run through it again, but bigger
this time.

I was just leaving the theater from a
rehearsal of my starring role in Pizza

War. I never expected to see you here.

Well, I like to take late -night walks
in the neighborhood.

Oh, well, then I guess this is my lucky
night, because I wanted to talk to you.

I was so impressed by your knowledge in
the restaurant that I said to myself,

well, here's a man who can really help
my daddy back in Trotsville. You see, he

has a little trouble with the government
agricultural subsidy program. Listen,

not here. Look, it's getting a little
damp and cold out here. My place is

around the corner.

Nice place we got here.

Thank you.

I do my best.

You know, you wouldn't believe it, but
the American people are the most

people on earth. You wouldn't believe
what they throw away.

You wouldn't believe it.

But everything in this apartment has
been furnished from stuff I found in

garbage piles in the neighborhood.

Perfectly useful items. Just like this.
Perfectly useful.

You're just tossed away because of it.

corruption in our society.

Yes, yes, yes, Mr. Quinn, but about my
daddy's tax problem, you see... Oh,

talk about that later.

But first, don't you want to get a
little bit more comfortable?

You see, my daddy says... One minute,
let me just go over these figures.

Obvious mistake.

Obvious. Any fool could see that.

Well, you see, my daddy said that
when... Now, if we just enter these

this column here, and transpose this
file here, and get a file form 563216B,

then pay off the local field officer, of
course, your father can not only save

his farm, but he can have the government
pay him $9 ,888 ,985.

Five cents.

How could I make a mistake like that? I
never did that before.

Sit.

Susie, you are a very, very brave woman.

Would you let me handle this?

Mr. Quim, I'm not that kind of girl.

No.

And my daddy back in Trotstone says when
the right man comes along, that I'll

know it right away, and that I should
stay a virgin, and... Oh, that feels

very good.

Oh, oh.

And that I shouldn't let anybody ever
touch me, and oh, you are touching me,

aren't you?

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

And there are all kinds of degenerates
in the big city that I should watch out

for. And where are you pushing me?

And I shouldn't just let anybody spread
my legs.

You have spread my legs, haven't you?

And I shouldn't just let anybody.

With the big rubbing stick in my hand.

And

you

have done just that.

I feel very, very good.

I feel that big hot cock dropping inside
of me.

And as you are going in and out, in and
out.

Now, Daddy says, I'm coming.

And I'm going to explode in just two
seconds. Let me keep that up in my head.

I wonder what it would take to make her
shut the fuck up.

a terribly important man.

Oh.

Oh. An angel of the theater.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. And a patron of the arts.

Oh, no.

Oh. Oh.

Yes. Oh, cash box.

Oh.

Oh. Quite the contrary, my dear. Oh. And
so.

Rich. It is you who do me, Diana.

Are you comfortable, my dear?

I've never been more comfortable in my
life.

Oh, yes. Rub my clit.

Rub my clit. Rub my clit.

And when I go round and round like this,

does that please you? Oh, it's
wonderful.

Oh, don't take him out. He'll kill you.

Oh, yes.

Oh,

don't come, Rita.

Don't come. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't be greedy.

Don't take him out. Oh, just for a
moment, please.

Be patient, my dear. It's going to be
all right.

Yes, yes.

Oh, cash box.

Oh.

Yes. Yes.

Now I understand why Billy Haggard
writes such lousy reviews for her paper.

You probably screwed her brains out.

I'm surprised she can still even sign
her name.

Well, thank you very much, my dear. I've
always admired a woman with intellect.

However, I didn't know Billy and I were
common knowledge.

Cash box, darling?

Nothing you do could ever be common.

Have I ever told you how much I enjoy
your theatrical reviews, Ruta?

Your writing style has such class, my
dear.

And it's a breath of fresh air that you
don't find each new play to be another

catastrophe.

When I sign my byline to my reviews,
Ruta Beryl, I want everyone to know

the kind of slop the theatrical
producers dish out to the theater -going

My name stands for something.

Quite so, my dear. You are a veritable
consumer protection agency to the

-going public, aren't you?

Damned right. I tell the truth.

So those corrupt producers cannot profit
from their shoddy plays and

productions. Hear, hear. Tell it like it
is.

Just because Billy Haggard writes for
the Daily Rag and they have a larger

circulation doesn't mean that everybody
doesn't also read my reviews.

Oh, quite so. I read your review myself
every day.

Why don't you dump that old bag?

I could take care of you a whole lot
better.

I just might do that.

After the play I'm producing opens
tomorrow night, I thought I'd make

arrangements between the two of us.

As a matter of fact, I don't see why we
can't start our little relationship

right now.

As I mentioned earlier, the play I'm
producing is opening tomorrow night, and

thought... What the hell is this?

Are you giving me a bribe so I'll give
your play a good review? No, it's an

honorarium, not a bribe. That's a
goddamn bribe, and you know what?

Oh, that's what this whole scene is all
about. You fuck my brains out. You give

me money, so I'll give your play a good
review. Listen, listen.

Your play is going to get the lousiest
review, the worst goddamn review I ever

wrote. I ever wrote. I'll kill that
bastard.

And once more, get out of my way.

What'll I do?

What'll I do? She can't find me here.
It'll cost me my job.

The bathroom, the bathroom.

Get your clothes right in the bathroom.

I know that.

Johnny, son of a bitch, is in there with
another woman.

Please do not force me to think, being a
gentleman.

You absolutely have no right to... Oh,
cut his balls off!

I'll kill the bastard!

Mr. Cashbox will be most distressed if
you open that door.

Please, do not force your way past me.

Okay, Cashbox, where is she?

She, my dear?

To whom are you referring?

Don't give me that grammatical shit, you
turd. Now, where... Is she?

If you're insinuating that there's
somebody in this room with me, I'm

you're mistaken.

I smell another woman.

So help me if I find out that you've
been cheating on me. I'll bite your

off. So help me.

Oh, Debbie, why would I even think of
another woman when I have you?

Easily. You're a man, aren't you? I
think we've firmly established that in

past. Then prove it to me again.

What are you doing? Fuck me right now.

Oh, no, I have a very pressured
schedule, my dear. You realize what time

Right now!

Oh, you're just hungry. You need a
little bite to eat. I'll have Egg

butler, prepare a little snack. That's
what we'll do. Right now!

Or a video cassette. A little movie.

The red book. I know something.

Right now!

Listen, Cashbox, if you haven't been
cheating on me, then you're going to

it to me right now.

I'll make it very clear.

You're going to perform, and you're
going to perform damned well.

Or I'll give your play the best damned
review you've ever seen. And that will

blow your tax shelter to hell and you
right into jail.

So, you are going to fuck me now. Like
you've never fucked another woman in

whole life. Oh, I'll do the best I can
considering my... Cash

box. You can do better than that.

I'll start composing the review.

No, no, no, wait, we're making a little
progress.

Last night, I had the pleasure of
opening the new season with the most

remarkable play.

No, no. I'm making some progress now,
darling. Here.

Called Peace and War by a remarkable new
playwright, Stan Slavsky.

We're really making some progress now,
Toots. Don't worry about it.

You'll feel good. Although by some
Broadway standards, it did have some

Cash box.

You're in the right place.

I'll take it harder.

The innovative approach.

you're approaching.

Innovate it.

Innovate my cunt lips with your tongue.

Piece of art.

Aren't you there, couch box?

I need to feel your prick inside me.

Ooh, a great work.

Great work.

Yes. Great work.

Yes.

Oh. Oh.

Nuts. Nuts. I can feel your nuts
pressing against my ass.

Oh. Oh. Oh, cash box, I accused you
unjustly. How could you have screwed

woman when you're fucking me like this?

Oh, fuck me more.

You're going to give me an orgasm. I can
feel you tightening around me,

squeezing me.

Oh.

the worst review that your play ever
had.

Last night, I witnessed the worst piece
of shit ever that any critic has ever

been forced to endure.

Endure. Endure.

Do more.

Do more.

It's going to happen.

Yes.

afford me a brief respite, my dear. Oh,
yes, my darling. My precious darling.

Oh, rest.

Rest. I just washed myself up a little.

I just fixed myself up.

I'll use the bathroom.

Certainly, certainly.

No, no, the bathroom. You can't go into
the bathroom. No.

No, no.

Why the hell not?

Well, the plumbing's broken, of course.

Don't go in there. It's not safe. Not
safe for whom? I'm going to find out who

you've been fucking.

She's hidden... Oh.

You?

You bitch. Bad enough you spell like you
never graduated kindergarten, but you

had to fuck Cashbox.

I'll fix you. I'll fix you both. I'll
call your editor and have you out in the

street by tomorrow.

And you?

You'll be in jail by tomorrow night.

I'll fix your phony tax shelter tax dog.

Help me and I'll fix it good!

Some people can't take a joke.

I am loyal to Mother Russia and the
whole army.

This is my specialty.

I am a counselor to my people. I speak
to them. I am not a thinker. I always

knew some things around here.

Absolutely the greatest art play of the
century.

You have to understand that we have just
witnessed for the first time a truly

new art form of the theater.

It's a comedy.

You can't take the situation seriously.
It's all a big joke.

You know, she's right. I think she's
right.

Yeah, well, it's pretty funny.

Yes, yes, come in, come in.

Oh, Susie, it's you.

Mr. Slavsky.

I don't... This here isn't what I
thought it would be.

My child, what's upsetting you?

Well, to be truthful...

for that.

Nonsense. It just takes a little time to
warm up the audience.

Wait till the second act. That's your
big scene.

You'll have them eating out of your
hand.

Oh, Mr. Slavsky, I don't think I can do
it. I mean, I don't think I'm ready for

this. It's just opening night jitters.
Nothing to worry about.

I'm all hot and nervous.

Oh, what are you doing?

I'm sending you out there a kid.

And you're coming back a star.

Oh.

To me, to me, Slavsky is the great
American playwright.

Yeah, you're right.

You're always right.

It's a brilliant production.

I have so much admiration for you.
Greatness will always be recognized.

It is rather great.

In fact, it's greater than Mr. Quinn's.
You do it much better.

Oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh.

Oh, it's feeling better already. I feel
like I could conquer the world.

Amateurs, amateurs. God save me from the
world of amateurs.

Genius. It's forever.

Well, maybe you're forever, but I'm
about to come right now.

Mr. Flosky.

Second act places, please.

The curtain is showing up.

I don't wait.

I'm just about ready to come.

But the second act... The act is
starting, and I'm going to go out there

and come back a star.

But Susie, you can't leave me in this
condition. It's inhuman.

Mr. Slavsky, the first thing that we of
the theater learn is the show must go

on.

Oh, nuts.

Little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

I can't wait to see the second act.

Hello, Vice Squad.

I feel that my civic duty will report an
obscene play being performed at this

very instant at the Hysterium Theater.

That's right, nudity, sex acts, the
whole nine yards.

Send a patrol car, or make it two.
Better yet, send a wagon.

The White Russian Army is going to free
us from the peasant hordes. It's only a

matter of time. Yes, just a matter of
time.

Until I fix that ton of yours.

The Red Orgis are pulling out of... Yes,
pull down, just as I was about to say.

Mark, I think I hear the Tsarina
approaching.

The, uh, the Grand Oracle of the
Russians, Rasputinus, just made a

The Panthers will remain loyal to the
Tsar.

Hey, dimwit.

Forgot to do up your pants.

I'm doing.

That Judge, uh, Hangman. Hangman's his
name. That's right, Judge Hangman. You

better bring him along to declare the
play obscene before you raid the

My name?

Oh, Alvin Tramathath.

So, Haggard, you want to play dirty,
huh?

Bring me my loyal peasant subjects so
that I may hear of their loyalty with my

own ears. Yes, sire.

Oh, beloved Tsar of the Russians, I'm
just devastated by all of you.

What are you doing?

Stick to the script.

Don't touch me there. Please.

Mother Russia is always here for your
grace. Come to me, Anastasia. Come and

me hold you to my bosom.

The flood has been exposed.

The cortex is pounding at the gate.

Oh, Papa's Lord, let them in. Let them
in.

arrested.

And what does a great Russian oracle,
Rasputin, have to say about this?

What will he say to the Russian people?

Speak, Rasputin.

Speak.

Lady, please.

I have some peace and quiet. I want to
enjoy my drink.

I've got to take a piss.

wow of manhood let me try your manhood
really pal this manhood is just like you

said here she i don't know this part of
the script

is this

Wild things to be sure.

When I make love to you, I hear bells
and sirens.

I declare the aforesaid play to be
total...

obscene of all the plays and films that
I have seen in my 50 years on the bench.

This is the worst indecency I have ever
seen.

People fornicating on the public stage
like cattle. No shame at all. The worst

case of coitus profundus I have ever
seen.

Actors, actresses, no more than common
whores using the theater as a

guise to show.

Their smutty performance.

Well, hello, Judge Hangman. How nice of
you to come to see our performance.

Hello there, Mrs. Simpsons.

On the other hand, sex between loving
people can be considered a great work of

art. We must learn to discriminate
between lewd acts and a beautiful play

as this with redeeming social value.

assets. The lawyer Phil Potts says you
must invest in something doomed to fail.

It will help you divest.

Cashbox says they'll call me a fake. Who
cares about art when you need a tax

break? Produce something awful like a
rotten Broadway play, certain to close

opening day.

Liquid assets will get you someday.

If you don't hide them, you'll have to
pay.

Thank you.