All language subtitles for Hacks - 5x08 - The Cube.WEB.AMZN.en

That is just one of the color palettes

that we're considering
right at the moment.

Anyway, this is what
I've been thinking.

We start out in pitch blackness

and then suddenly,
we hear Verdi's "Requiem."

Damien.

A large sequined coffin is
carried out across the stage,

set down gently.

Suddenly, our pallbearers
strip off their suits,

revealing they are the Knicks dancers.

All... all short brunettes.

Okay, then I rise
from the coffin, into the air,

decked out in a custom Schiaparelli

ball gag and straitjacket.

What do you think? Because I'm gagged.

Wow, wow, wow.

Lots of bells and whistles, huh?

Oh, hi, Amanda.

If it's my safety you're
worried about, please don't be.

We're in talks
with Pink's aerial team.

Oh, no, no, it's not your
safety I'm worried about.

We need an audience.
We need butts in seats.

Of course. Of course.

So we need to schedule
your press conference

so you can announce your
on sale date for your tickets.

Oh, I can't do that.

You busy?

No, no, I'm not allowed to perform

or appear publicly
until the day of the show.

Well, no, everybody does something

to announce their on sale date.

Billy Joel drove his boat
all the way around Manhattan.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Turns out you can get
pulled over in the sea.

Well, don't worry.

Me and my team will come up
with something out of the box.

Believe me, we are
total... total professionals.

Hi, Amanda. Mm.

I love your necklace.

- It's really cute.
- Oh.

Just testing out the gear
for my girl here.

Fits like a glove.

Oh, will you unbuckle me?

I gotta pee. ♪ And poop ♪

- Hurry.
- Wow.

- Damien.
- Yeah.

It's actually kind of an emergency.

Mm. Okay.

Oh, this is so sad.

It's like the time my nanny

moved out of our house for good.

Ruined my high school graduation.

I don't like this either, okay?

I love this office.

But we just can't afford it anymore.

Honestly, boss,
I don't think getting rid

of this place is even gonna cut it.

We're so in the red right now,

our bottom line looks like the soles

of one of those Le-boutins.

It's Louboutin, but let me see.

Where are all of our Lassie fees?

Garnished.
Restitution for the victims.

Motherfucker.

That dog... I hope it's dead.

I'm sorry, but it
cost us a ton of money.

It's bitten many people, including me.

I have a scar.

You know, short shorts
are in for men right now,

- and I can't even wear them.
- Never mind the shorts.

Look at these expenditures, Jimmy.

5K a month for a pickleball
membership... for what?

Bum knees and hip replacements
with a bunch of geriatrics?

Not worth the dink!

Kids, if we don't tighten our belts,

I don't think
we're gonna survive to Q4.

That's where we're at right now.

Okay. We only joined for face time

with Winnie Landell... I'm gonna
cancel that membership.

- Okay?
- Thank you. Good.

The least we can do.

You do it...

put the big flap down first.

Put one big flap down
and one big flap up.

Small flap down. Big flap down.

Scoot it... scooch it in.

Yeah, perfect.

The other way.

Yes, yes.

Okay.

Okay, the movers will get
the rest of this crap tomorrow.

I guess this is it.

Hi.

Um, I need to cancel my membership.

- Last name is LuSaque.
- Okay.

For the Schaefer-LuSaque account?

Yes.

Would you and your wife
both like to cancel?

She is not my wife,

and yeah, we both need to cancel.

Uh, well, we'll just need
three endorsements

from members in good standing
to cancel.

You need me to get
an endorsement to cancel?

Yes. And a notarized signature

from you and your wife.

Jimmy!

Oh, my God.

Adele, hi.

Bubbeleh, oh, mwah.

It is so kismet I'm running into you.

I was just thinking about
Gene's stand-up.

That bit he did about how
every member of Fleetwood Mac

was always dressed
for different weather...

so good.

And he always said

if he hadn't been managed by your dad,

he would have been bagging groceries.

Well, it's so nice
to hear his voice now

in those Arby's ads.

You hear his voice too?

No... well, yes, in those commercials.

His voice is in those Arby's ads.

- You have to tell them.
- Who?

- Wha...
- My kids!

You have to tell them

that you hear Gene's voice too,

that I am not crazy,

and that I can live in my own home!

- Oh, Adele, I just...
- Laura, honey, honey,

Jimmy LuSaque hears Daddy's voice too.

I-I... oh, hel... hi, Laura?

- Hi.
- Mr. LuSaque?

Yeah. C-could you hold on
for one second?

I'll be right back. Um,

I might need an endorsement... yes?

- Big old update for you.
- Great.

The passport we have on file
expires within six months,

so you'll have to renew that first.

I have to renew my federal passport

before I can cancel
a pickleball club membership?

Mm-hmm, and your wife's.

- She's not my wife. Okay?
- Jimmy!

I-I'm sorry, I gotta go
save someone from a home.

Excuse me.

- Here. Yeah.
- Sorry. Thank you.

Hey, Laura, it's Jim... yes.

No. No, no, no, my dad used
to represent your dad.

Hi, I'm comedy icon Deborah Vance,

and here's the 411.

This huge corporation
tried to cramp my style,

but I said as if.

So now I'm doing a show
at Madison Square Garden.

So get your tickets today.

It's gonna be all that
and a bag of chips.

And if you don't wanna come,
honey, talk to the hand,

'cause the face ain't listening.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Cut, cut, cut, cut.

What... what was that? What was that?

All that and a bag of chips?
That's not in here.

I made a few changes
because some of this dialogue,

I would never say.

Well, I am Deborah Vance,
and I would say that.

What I would never say
is talk to the hand.

Well, we're different Deborahs.

Excuse me?

I'm '90s Deborah.

You're current-day Deborah.

I wouldn't even know how to begin

to be a contemporary Deborah.

I'd have to get a new breastplate,

rethink my padding tits to taint.

Okay.

I just need you to say these words

so that people will go to my website

and buy tickets to my show.

What the fuck is a website?
Clinton's in office.

Lady, what the fuck
are you talking about?

You've lost me.

Well, I don't care if I've lost you

because you're supposed to be me!

If I'm not you, then why
am I on the Atkins diet?

Okay. All right.
We're gonna shoot this again.

Scripted this time.

Someone needs to gather her
before I do.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Crusty old cunt.

Oh, that is it. That is it.

- You're gonna hit a woman?
- Hey. Hey!

Well, if it's the '90s,
it's encouraged!

- No!
- Deborah, no!

I do not endorse
Deborah-on-Deborah violence.

You are fired!

Fired? I quit!

And last I heard,
you're gagged, bitch.

So good luck announcing
your show without me.

- Let me go.
- Deborah!

Come on.

- I'm gonna sue your ass!
- Damien.

I'll get Johnnie Cochran on you.

- Damien, get her out of here.
- I'm going!

Jesus Christ.

Chill.

That was never gonna
be bold enough anyway.

I have to do something myself.

Okay, well, if you can't perform live,

we'll figure something else out.

Call The Amazing Steven.

What?

The magician?

No, not any more magic.

Oh, my God.

Good morning, J.

Why are you here so early?

Why are you here so early?

That's not very
mi casa es su casa of you.

Um, I never said this was su casa.

And I'm only asking
because you usually

get to the office at 11:30.

Also, your snacks suck ass.

Wet chicken and old stinky eggs?

Those aren't snacks.

Those are my meals for the week.

That's labeled Tuesday dinner.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm trying here.

These are the risks
of working from home.

It's a beautiful day.

Oh, good morning. You're here too.

Yeah, and I got bad news.

No, what is this?

It's for you.

Come on.

I can't handle this.

Oh, my God.

We are being sued by your dad.

What?

For $30 million in loss of commissions

for tampering with Bruno Fox?

All we did was offer him a residency.

It's not our fault that he was guilty

of vehicular manslaughter.

We wanted closure for the family!

This is insane.

Oh, my God.

He's claiming emotional distress.

My daddy doesn't have emotions!

Not good, boss.

My Uncle Morty faced
an emotional distress charge

when he botched a bris.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna pass out.

All right, this has gone too far.

We need to go and reason
with your father right now.

Well, you gotta hurry if you're gonna

- make Deborah's stunt.
- Yeah, come on. I'll drive.

We could stop at home,
and I'll get my cattle prod.

Why do you have a cattle prod?

- For foreplay, Jimmy. Come on!
- Ooh!

- You gonna eat those eggs?
- No, those are my eggs.

Also, you're not
eating them in the car.

Well, there it is. The Cube.

Oh, Damien, I need a little touch-up.

- Which do you like?
- Oh, the Lancôme.

Are you sure about this?

I'm sorry, it just doesn't seem safe.

What choice do I have?
I can't perform.

But The Amazing Steven can
pick me out of the audience

as a "volunteer," you know.

It's not... it's not some
run-of-the-mill

saw-me-in-half trick.

I mean, it's... it's The Cube.

Are you sure you're
gonna be okay in there?

You get claustrophobic in condos.

I'll be fine.

I mean, they're gonna just
hoist me up, you know.

I'll be there for an hour.

An hour for my hour.

And then I'll disappear

and I'll reappear
at the Bellagio Fountain.

How's that gonna work?
How are you gonna disappear?

When he's ready, Steven will activate

a hidden electrical panel in The Cube

that makes it look empty.

Then a prerecorded hologram
of me looking fabulous

will appear at the Bellagio Fountain.

- Mm.
- Et voilà,

I've magically transported.

I'm sorry,
I just don't get how this is

gonna help you sell tickets.

'Cause my hologram is gonna be wearing

a T-shirt that says MSG 9/11.

Tickets on sale now.

And then there's a QR code below that

where people can buy tickets
as soon as the link

goes live at midnight.

Did someone say sorcerer?

- Oh, Steven.
- No, no, no.

Deb, how are ya? You good? Been busy?

Are you ready to transcend the
physical laws of this universe

in the 2018 Merlin Award-winning,

death-defying spectacle
known only as The Cube?

I've never been more ready.

Deb, this stunt is going
to be fucking mental.

Okay, please.
I've had enough magic, okay?

Oh, okay. Nonbeliever. My favorite.

Pick a card, ranga.

- Pick one.
- There we go.

You know, we don't
have to do this, okay?

Okay, fine. That's fine.

I recently had a very,
very toxic experience

with a magician who I was
trying to push further

into sex work, so please, I don't...

All right. We don't have to do it.

- Oh, how'd you...
- What?

Where did you... hey, where did
that... where did you put that?

What did you do?

Where did that go?

- Was that a hologram?
- No.

See you soon.

- Oh, my God.
- It's amazing.

He's incredible. I love him.

- He's the best.
- It's crazy.

Magic is real.

Did he put it in his sleeve?

The 405 at 5:00?

No, no, no, I'll take the chopper.

Excuse us, we'll be in and out.

Emotional distress, Daddy. Really?

I mean, come on, Michael.
Are you serious about this?

When Bluto went to jail,
I couldn't sleep for a week.

- Bluto?
- Yeah.

The client's name is Bruno.

All right, there, there.

You see how messed up I am.

Come on.

You have all these
in-house fancy lawyers.

- We just have Corbin...
- Bernsen.

Bernsen from "LA Law."

He and my mom dated briefly,
and he remembers a lot

- of law stuff from the scripts.
- Wow.

- We have who we have.
- They fought a lot. Whatever.

- We have who we have.
- It doesn't matter.

Look, I know you hate me,
and I get it, and that's fine,

but this is gonna destroy Kayla.

Is that what you really want?

No, it isn't.

Which is why I have an offer for you.

Okay, great. Whatever. What is it?

If you allow Latitude
to absorb Schaeffer & LuSaque,

I'll drop the lawsuit.

Hell no!

Why would you even wanna do that?

I told you when I cut Kayla off,

you're sullying
the Schaeffer family name,

and I'm sick of it.

You're blacklisted all over town.

You work out of a hovel
on the East Side.

You're a joke.

A joke that I don't find funny.

So I suggest you take my offer

because it's the best
you're gonna get.

Uh, yeah, you have
a brain worm, honey,

'cause we're not doing that.

Not after all the blood,
sweat, and tears

I put into that company.

Wait, we'll... we'll think about it.

- What?
- We'll consider it.

Well, you better
do your considering in a hurry

'cause there's a clock on this offer.

It's 24 hours, starting now.

Okay, we'll... we'll be in touch.

- 24.
- Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,
kings and queens,

are we ready for some magic?

Before you is a cube.

A cube that will be suspended 100 feet

above the Las Vegas Strip.

And in it, a volunteer
who will be magically

transported to the Bellagio Fountain.

So who here is brave enough
to make history?

Me!

Oh, you with the blonde up-do.

Yeah, come forward.

Oh.

Oh, it's Vegas' own Deborah Vance.

How fortuitous.

Let's ride!

Deborah is now 100 feet
above the Vegas Strip,

and what's going to happen
while she's up there

is going to be amazing.

Uh, no, that's... that's
not part of the illusion.

It's another blackout!

Shit.

What the...

Um, oh, shit.

Shit. Hey.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

What the hell just happened?

I don't know.

It looks like the power's
gone out in the whole city

except for hotels with generators.

And glass cubes?

No.

Um, well, maybe... maybe
you should lower me, then.

Well, we can't, because the...
the cranes are electric,

so we would need power to...
to bring you down.

You gotta... you gotta get me down.

No, we can't, Deb.

I'm stuck up here

until the power comes back?

Correct.

This is not amazing, Steven.

Don't say that.

There is no way, okay?

I know we don't have
a lawyer in a pinstriped suit

or, you know, a profitable business.

So what? Who cares?

We will take out a loan on your house

or sell your sperm
or ask Deborah for money.

No way are we asking
a client for a loan.

If we can't stay afloat
on our commissions,

we don't deserve to be in business.

Shit, we are running out of battery.

- Wait, what?
- Fuck.

Are you kidding me? How?

I didn't charge the car, okay? There.

I cannot keep up with all the
rules of this horrible machine.

It's an electric car,

and there's only one rule:
plug it in at night.

Didn't you see, like,
a warning light or a beep?

I'm driving, Jimmy, please.

- I know you're driving.
- I can't look at every...

every gadget and button in the car.

It's... oh, my God.

You are losing your voice
from yelling at me.

Kayla, we are an hour from Vegas,

and Deborah's already up in The Cube.

I miss my diesel Porsche.

Oh, my God.

Hey, gorgie girl, I got
onto the fire department.

Oh, thank God.

Unfortunately,
they don't have a ladder

that can reach you,
and even if they did,

they're busy with other emergencies

'cause of the outage.

Since you're not injured, they
said you're not a priority,

which I think is unfair.

I'm a celebrity.

If I'm not a priority, who is?

Nations topple when
we lose respect for our icons.

True.

Let me see if I can work my magic.

- Stop.
- Sorry. I'm gonna hand

the walkie-talkie
to your girlfriend here.

She...

Hey, just sit tight. It'll be okay.

Look, Ava... Ava,
I gotta get out of here.

My makeup is melting.

- I look insane.
- Oh, okay.

Well, you know, Pamela Anderson
doesn't even wear makeup.

Do not mention
Pamela Anderson anymore!

I am trying to beat
crash-out allegations.

I do not need to look
like a freak show

dangling 150 feet above the Strip!

Okay, okay. Don't worry, okay?

The crowd is dispersing.

Everybody's focused on
their own emergencies, okay?

Just stay calm.

Chill.

Go to your happy place.

Neiman Marcus, 90% off.

Okay, okay.

Excuse me, doll.

Great news, Deb.

I have a mate who's part
of Cirque Du Soleil,

and they have one of those big
bouncy trampolines,

you know, the handheld ones.

You could land on that
if you're willing to jump.

You would have to sign
a pretty massive waiver.

Thoughts?

Jesus!

No...

Yeah, okay. She's not a jumper.

That's fair.

You're looking skinny,
though, up there.

Skinny bitch.

Come in, Ava.

Go for Ava.

I have two things to say.

One, if I ever get out of here,

we need to take a vacation.

Okay, like, do you mean
like last time you said

let's take a vacation and then
we did nine shows a week

at a Singapore casino, or...

No, a real vacation.

Okay.

I'd love to.

And... and what's two?

- I have to pee.
- Oh, shit. Okay.

Well, The Cube looks like
it's at a slight angle.

You could go in the corner and
let Miss Gravity do her thing.

Oh, my God.

Totally a bad idea.

What about your shoes?

Absolutely not.

I'm not gonna urinate in my shoes.

You got a better idea?

This has to be the stupidest
thing I've ever done.

And I went on a date
with Saddam Hussein.

Wha... you told me you said no.

Well, I lied. It was the '80s.

He was good then.

You'd have loved him. He was bisexual.

Huh.

Do you think this is karma,

you know, for all those
Baby Jessica well jokes?

Uh, no, it's not karma.

I would say it's
probably climate change.

You know that thing
I've been banging on about.

Blackouts are gonna happen
more and more.

Why do I do this to myself?

Um, because you told the
world and Amanda Weinberger

that you were gonna sell out
MSG, so you needed eyeballs.

I could have just, you know,

posted a screenshot
of a notes app or a photo

or made the Katya video work.

Something less insane than this.

Well, you needed to break
through and grab attention,

and they put a muzzle on you,
so you did what you had to do.

You know, I think you do
your best work when you're

backed up against the wall... or cube.

Yeah.

How ironic.

I've been trying to make
my obituary less embarrassing.

Now it'll probably say
Deborah Vance died

next to a shoe full of her own piss.

At least it's a funnier one.

I've just... I've been trying
so hard to not seem crazy.

Now I seem extra crazy.

Deborah, you don't seem crazy.

You are crazy.

Hey!

You got in a glass box,

and you're hanging from the sky

above the Las Vegas Strip
to promote a comedy show.

You're crazy for your work,

and you will do anything for it,

and that is fucking cool.

So fuck it if anyone sees you.

Also, no one's paying attention,

for the most part.

There's a lot of other stuff going on,

and blackouts don't last long.

You're not in that much danger.

But what if people thought I was?

What?

Okay, get Damien. Get my phone.

Call Danny at Channel 6
and get Mayor Joe.

Oh, okay.

Now!

Damien!

Are you pushing?

I am pushing.

I need a break. I'm sorry.

Okay, okay, take a break.

I can't do it.

I can't give in to my dad.

You think I wanna go back to Latitude,

a place where if I come in
early, they call me a loser?

And if I come in late,
they say I was jerkin' it?

No, I don't.

So why the heck are we doing it?

For our clients.

I mean, do you wanna fight this thing

because you think
it's the right thing to do

- or for your ego?
- Ego!

Okay, well, look, we don't
have the funds to fight it.

And even if we did, it's not
the right thing for the talent.

We're blacklisted.

We can't get new business.

If we go back, at least
we'll be protected

by the Latitude name.

And more importantly,
our clients will be protected.

But then... but then Latitude
gets to be the winners.

And my dad gets to keep us
under his big thumb.

It's not fair.

He's been doing this
to me my whole life,

and now he's doing it
to my best friend.

You do so much for Deborah,

and you're not gonna get any credit.

He's gonna get all the credit.

Is it really worth it?

You know, when I was a kid,
I loved TV and movies.

It's all I wanted to do, but...

I'm just not creative like that.

My talent is helping talent.

When they win, I feel like I've won.

But the only way
that we can do that now

is if we go with Latitude.

Okay.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I'm sorry Schaeffer & LuSaque
didn't work out,

but it was really fun while it lasted.

Do you wanna know
why I got into the business?

Why?

To hang out with you.

Thanks.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

All right, pull it together!

We gotta get this car
to the charging station.

Also, my hammies are really sore.

I'm gonna need you
to rub out my ass later.

Okay.

Deborah, here we come!

Breaking news,

disgraced comedian
Deborah Vance is trapped.

Breaking tonight,
former "Late Night" host

Deborah Vance is trapped...

Sources on the ground
tell us there's no way

to get her down.

And we'll keep you updated
with the latest.

Citizens of Las Vegas,
it brings me no pleasure

to announce that my very dear
friend Deborah Vance

is hanging precariously
above the Strip

with seemingly no way out.

I've reached out
to the fire department

and the police department.

I reached out to my strong friends

at Thunder Down Under
to see if they could catch her,

but they left me on read.

This is a time-sensitive situation

that we are in right now.

If the power doesn't return by morning

and then that scorching Vegas sun

rises on that glass cube,

Deborah's gonna be fried like
an egg in less than 30 minutes.

She's gonna be burned alive.

But I want everyone to rest easy

because if that were to happen
or if she should fall,

I am prepared to shoot
while she's in the air

before she hits the ground.

She's not gonna be suffering
in a vegetative state

for months and months.

She's gonna be dead before impact.

'Cause I love her. And I love you.

God bless and God bless America.

Your microphone smells weird.

Oh, look at her.

She's looking faint and frail.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this might be another woman

dead on the Vegas Strip.

Oh, she's announcing tickets
for her new show.

Good idea.

I'm stayin' alive, y'all.

Y'all is back. What is that about?

Wow.

Wow. Would you look at that?

She's still working to entertain you.

She's always
a consummate professional.

Now, if she were gonna live,
I would definitely

wanna go see her at Madison
Square Gardens, am I right?

But she's not.
She's definitely gonna die.

Wow. Boy, she's sexy, huh?

Oh, you know what? I'm fairly certain

that's a traditional
clown Mexican dance...

or Mexican clown dance.
I hope I didn't offend anybody.

We love our Mexican community
in Vegas.

- Okay. Where are they?
- Excuse me.

- I'm so sorry.
- Okay. Sorry, sorry.

- People, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Pardon me. Excuse me.

- Hi. So sorry we're late.
- Hi.

I know we missed all the action.

- Are you guys...
- Sorry we missed the action.

- Okay?
- Yeah, we are.

I mean, there was a minute there where

she was doing the dougie, and The Cube

was swinging back and forth.

We thought she might
plummet to the ground.

Did big numbers online, though.

She was fine. You two cool?

- Yeah. We're all right.
- Yeah.

Oh, you are officially
now a client of Latitude,

as Schaeffer & LuSaque
has been acquired by them.

Well, are you still my manager?

Yeah, of course.

Then I don't care.

Deborah! It's me, Kayla!

You look great!

She looks like shit.

- Kayla.
- What?

- She doesn't look great.
- No, she's looked better.

We've been through a lot.

We had to push a car halfway here.

- What?
- And we still look good.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Yes! Yes!

Get me down!

- Let's get her down!
- Get her down!

Get her down! Get her down!

Get her down! Get her down!

120/80. That is perfect.

Okay, she's got perfect
blood pressure.

It's the Garden.

Oh, okay.

You have Deborah.

Well, open me up
a big can of alphabet soup

because I need to eat my words.

Deborah Vance, you have sold out

Madison Square Garden, sister.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Oh, my God!

- I did? Already?
- Mm-hmm.

In ten fucking minutes, baby.

Looks like your stunt worked.

I guess the only thing
that sells besides sex

is watching
a multimillionaire almost die.

Anyway, see you in New York City.

Let's go!

Oh, my God. That's insane.

- That's insane.
- Ten minutes.

Miss Vance, I think you
should have some electrolytes.

Oh, honey. No, I'm off sugar.

- Deborah.
- What?

I have to be bikini ready
for our vacation.

You meant that?

I did.

I'll take it.

Thanks.

Congratulations, Deborah.

- You deserve it.
- Thank you. Oh, my God.

25,000 seats.

Now I'm scared.

- Ava.
- Oh, are you all right?

- Mm.
- Honey.

Oh, holy crap!

Oh, my God.

That's the...

It's the two of hearts!

It's the two of hearts!

Oh. Look at this place.

So, Michael, I just want to make sure

that our clients are taken care of

and that Kayla and Randi
are set up for success here.

Oh, yeah,
they'll be well taken care of,

all of them.

But you, I...

I'm not so sure that we should
put another white guy

in a senior leadership position.

You know, optics.
I mean, you understand.

You love all that woke shit.

I do.

But yeah, I'm easy.
You can put me at any desk.

Well, we weren't thinking
exactly a desk for you.

What were you thinking?

You're gonna love this.

Got some mail.

Here you go.

Good morning.

Hey there.

Okay.

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