All language subtitles for Hacks - 5x06 - QuikScribbl.WEB.AMZN.en

We finished the staircase
frame a couple hours ago.

Wow.

- Fiber optics in process.
- Terrific.

We ordered the, uh,
oak floors that you like.

Oh, good. Wonderful.

But there is a matter,
uh, we should discuss.

- What?
- Um...

I don't really want to say this,

since you're threw paint at my truck

when I got the banisters wrong.

Well, suggesting anything
other than rose gold

- was demented.
- Totally.

Um, but the building's gonna be
more work than we discussed.

What are we talking?

Well, the electrical's not up to code.

The HVAC needs to be
completely gutted.

The estimates on the theater
are skyrocketing

because of the custom lighting

and the pyrotechnic capabilities.

Well, a Vegas show
without pyrotechnics

is like a lap dance in broad daylight.

I won't be caught dead doing it.

All in all, we're looking
at an additional $20 million

to get the Diva operational,

and that's just
a conservative estimate.

- Oh, God.
- Just to say it...

it would save us a ton if we
didn't have the Deborah statue.

Well, how are people supposed
to make an entrance

- if not between my legs?
- Mm-hmm.

Where's the joy, the whimsy?
Where's the... the...

- Wow factor.
- The wow factor?

Well...

I mean, people love this design.

The underwear mirror
for upskirt selfies

will be a destination
in and of itself.

It's just that it just
seems technically unnecessary.

Unnecessar...

Is there a gas leak in here?

Actually, there is, and
that's probably gonna cost...

- Oh, my God!
- Okay, okay, okay.

Maybe if we book a headliner,

we can use some of the advance
ticket sales to fund this?

Okay. I'll get on that.

You try to find an outside investor.

Is now a bad time

to discuss why we can't convert
a chlorine pool

- to pink champagne?
- Yes!

Yes, ma'am.

He's into me.

So what happened?

What happened? I took her home.

You didn't hear this from me,

but she had
the best night of her life.

Ah.

Oh, it's Deborah.

- Could you give me one second?
- Mm.

Also, you shouldn't be
talking to me about this stuff.

Why not?

- Hello.
- Hi. I need your help.

We're building
that state-of-the-art theater

at the Diva, and we need a comic

for a residency who can bring
in a ton of presales.

Do you know of anyone?

Deborah, you know
you don't have to fish

for compliments with me.

As Kayla would say,

you are the number-one living legend,

and you would slay the boots down

on the Diva, chiquita banana.

It should be you. You should do it.

No, no, no, no, no,

my residency days are behind me.

Oh. Uh, do you know Bruno Fox?

Is he related to Redd Foxx?

I don't think so, 'cause
one is Black and one is white.

But you know what? I never assume.

You don't know what
their mom was doing.

- Okay.
- Anyway, he's, like,

a super-popular podcaster
and stand-up.

He's got a huge following.

Um, oh, he does those Travelocity ads,

which I actually find quite funny.

I don't even hit "skip ad."

Oh, that guy! Oh, he'd be good.

- Can you get him?
- Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I... yeah, I can get him.

- Great. Let me know.
- Will do.

It is so weird to be back here.

Wow. She already took down
the pictures I put up.

We've been gone for over two years.

Also, why would she keep up pictures

of you and your college friends?

'Cause we're hot and fun.

Well, look what the cat farted in,

LuSuck And Queefer.

Did you two pork yet?

Great to see you guys.

If you're looking to poach clients,

there's a dialysis center
right down the street.

Oh, my goodness.

Wow, that's really funny.

So, look, I'm gonna keep this brief.

Please.

We have an opportunity
for one of your clients.

As you may have heard,
Deborah Vance is opening

a casino hotel in downtown Vegas,

and we would like Bruno Fox
to be the very first

- comic in residence.
- Whoa.

Wow, Bruno.

He has a lot of balls
in the air right now.

Mm-hmm.

This is a huge opportunity
for a stand-up, right?

I mean, you know that.

A Vegas residency means
a steady paycheck,

shows every night of the week.

A lot more money
than he'd make on the road.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, you know, I'll try to
remember to mention it to him

- the next time I talk to him.
- Yeah.

- We'll see what he says.
- Yeah, yeah.

The next time you talk
to him could be right now

if you just dial him up.

Ooh, we'd love to,
but we got to go right now

'cause we've got massages,
the kind where you come.

- Oh.
- Together, you're gonna go?

- Yes.
- Are you serious?

Are you really gonna walk out...

- Later, dildos.
- Oh, my God.

I know they're gonna
present this to Bruno like

it's a total waste of time
just to fuck with us.

So sadistic.

It reminds me of how I used

to treat this one girl
in my summer camp.

So mean.

You know what? Fuck them.

We are gonna go to Bruno ourselves

and present this offer directly.

Hell, yeah!
I knew you had that dog in ya.

- Ruff!
- All right, here we go.

He's performing this weekend
in Kalamazoo, Michigan.

- We are going.
- Central time, kinky.

- It's Eastern.
- Oh.

Mm, that sucks.

Mm!

To be asked to be
a food tester... dream come true.

Well, it's perfect.

I mean, you have flyover-state taste,

and Josefina
has the most refined palate

- of anyone I've ever met.
- Mm.

Pistachio cream in an entrée?

I'm feeling crazy for this.

So, what, if we like this chef's food,

you guys are gonna just poach
him from Marty?

- Yep.
- Damn, ice cold.

The rice is hot, though.

Well, it's not personal.
It's just business.

Oh, excuse me.

I love a little crunch... big slay.

Oh, Deborah, I've been
working on the opening joke.

So what about this?

Um, hello, Madison Square Garden.

I've been silenced for 18 months,

so let me finally say this.

Big pants only look good
if you're tall.

Eh.

I don't want to talk about pants.

I can't believe we can't
figure out this opener.

No, I know.
I think we have writer's block.

We got to get some new energy going.

You know, we could try cold plunging.

- Helps Joe Rogan.
- Helps him do what?

Right. Good point.

So, I put out some feelers
to some friends in the VC world

about funding for the Diva.

And that was Graham Sweeney's office.

He's a young tech developer...
big portfolio.

He immediately responded

and wants to fly in to meet with you.

Oh, great.

And he asked for Ava to come, too.

What?

Me? Why?

Oh, my God, do you think this is

like an "Indecent Proposal" situation,

where he'll only give you the millions

if he has one fabulous night
with Ms. Ava Daniels?

"Millions"?

Please, he could get you

with a donation to Greenpeace
and some combat boots.

That's...

true.

No one is asking you to have sex,

but these VC guys are freaky,
and we need the money.

So, if he asks to eat sushi
off you, you know, play ball.

All right, fine. I'll go.

But I'm telling you...
if there's a Philadelphia roll

on my titty, I'm eating that shit.

Marcus, set up the meeting.

And, you, after this,
I'm taking you to a parking lot

to practice walking in high heels.

Mmm.

Now, that is a crispy skin.

Bam!

I'm serious!

So I come out of the men's room,

and I see a trans guy
standing there waiting, right?

I look him in his eyes.

I say, bruh, I do not mean this
like it sounds,

but do not go in there.

Whoo-hoo!

Thank you. Thank you!

Let's go get this son of a bitch.

- I love Kalamazoo!
- Yeah!

- Bruno Fox.
- Yo!

- Can we come in?
- Entrez-vous.

- Okay, bonjour.
- Aha. Yes.

Jimmy LuSaque, Jr. This is
my partner, Kayla Schaefer.

- How you doing?
- Pleasure.

Um, sorry to accost you
right after your set,

- which was amazing by the way.
- So funny.

- We loved it, yeah.
- We couldn't stop smiling

- and laughing.
- Thank you.

But we have a very
attractive offer for you.

I mean, if it's a cuck thing, maybe,

but I'm pretty much retired
from gay stuff.

- Oh.
- It's not a cuck thing.

- No. No.
- Yeah.

We're managers from LA,
Schaefer & LuSaque.

- We represent Deborah Vance.
- Among others.

Um, and we just wanted to talk to you

about a stand-up opportunity
that we think you might like.

Look, man, sorry,
but when I'm offstage,

I can't be about the work
anymore, you know?

- Okay.
- Hmm-kay.

- Um...
- But I am down to go out,

if y'all want to party, hmm?

- Um...
- I'm 100% down for that.

- Okay, sure.
- Yeah, let's do it.

What are you thinking?

I mean, there's a little bar
down the street called Cokies.

Do we need a reservation for Cokies?

No, but we do need someone to drive.

Can y'all drive us?

We got a Subaru we rented,
so let's do it.

Music to my ears.

The CarPlay doesn't work,
but that's all right,

'cause I'll just sing for us...
hope you like Nelly Furtado.

Kidding me? I'm a Nelly boy.

Let's get some beers
for the ride, though, right?

Um...

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Good evening.
- Right this way.

- Thank you.
- I'll go get Mr. Sweeney.

What did she say?

This dress is so tight,
I can't hear in it.

Also, it does not leave room
for underwear.

I think my bush is leaving
an indentation.

Well, well, well,
Deborah Vance in the flesh.

This is such an honor.
I'm Graham Sweeney.

- Graham, good to meet you.
- Likewise.

- And Ava.
- Hey. What's going on?

Hi.

I'm so psyched you could come, too.

- I'm a huge fan of both of you.
- Thank you.

So, I guess you're probably wondering

- why I wanted to meet with you.
- Well, no.

I'm never surprised
when a man's interested

- in meeting me.
- I bet you're not.

Um, well, would you mind
if I did a little presentation?

Sure.

Okay. Please, come sit.

All right.

Lane will be right out
with some drinks.

She makes a bomb martini.

Have a seat, please.

All right.

- Now, you ladies comfortable?
- Not really.

Okay. First, a little bit about me.

I got my start streamlining

the way hospitals buy
and receive medical tubing.

Oh, I used to sell

a cat-themed blood pressure monitor.

See? So you get it. Genius.

So now that I've conquered
the health-care industry,

it's time for me to move
into my next venture,

which is an LLM generative
AI model I'm calling...

- QuikScribbl.
- Ah.

It's an AI chatbot
that helps people sound

like the most optimized, funniest,

smartest version of themselves.

It's like Photoshopping your voice.

For anybody who's looking to punch up

the way that they speak
or write or make jokes,

this will help, okay?

Take, for example, a...
a bridesmaid at a wedding.

She wants to make a funny toast,

but she's a bank teller.

Sorry, so when you say "she,"

you mean an AI person
that you invented?

- That I prompted, yes.
- Cool.

Let's see how she does.

Sarah's always loved to have fun,

maybe a little too much fun,
if you know what I mean.

Sex!

Ugh. Now, that sucked shit, right?

Yep.

But what if she had had help
crafting that toast

by none other than
comedy goddess Deborah Vance?

Love her.

It might sound
a little something like this.

According to the Talmud,

every bride is beautiful
on her wedding day.

The Talmud is, of course,

the drag queen who did Sarah's
cheek contouring today.

Boom goes the dynamite!

Even Grandpa's deaf ass
is laughing at that one.

Not bad. Yeah, it...
it does sound like me.

Yeah, so, um...

how did you train it
to sound like Deborah already?

Well, by scraping material
that's online.

Oh, so you stole it.

Technically,
right now it's not regulated,

and that's why I've come to you.

I want to compensate you,

and I don't just want what's online.

I want the real Deborah Vance.

Oh, well, then you should've
met me three noses ago.

Well, they nailed it.

It's a sexy-ass nose.

Now, look, I want your full library

and for you to work with
the AI itself, training it.

Yeah. Can I ask... um, why us?

Because Deborah has the perfect voice

for QuikScribbl.

I mean, you have such mass appeal.

That's why you had

the number-one late-night show
in America.

You tell it like it is
but in a funny way,

and that's how everybody wants to be.

Well, this does kind of prove
my long-standing theory

that my way is best
and everyone else is wrong.

Ha! Exactly.

See, I want that, and when I heard

that you were looking
for investment in your casino,

I was like, well, this is
the coolest opportunity

- for us to partner up.
- Mm.

So, ladies, should we talk
about the nuts and bolts?

- Let's.
- Yeah.

Okay. So we've got three blocks.

It is getting so late.

We got to bring up the residency

as soon as he gets back,
because I don't know

- how much longer I can stay out.
- Come on.

You stayed up all night
for the Fiona Apple presale.

- You can do it tonight.
- She never goes on tour.

It was "Idler Wheel."
It was a big thing for me.

- All right.
- Hey, there he is.

Can we get another round, please?

- You got it.
- Wow. Another round.

Indeed.

I haven't drank this much
since I rushed.

- You were in a frat?
- No, almost.

I wouldn't fuck the goat, and
I reported them to the dean.

But you know what?
I'm proud of that because

it led to much healthier
rush policies on campus.

That's just the kind of guy he is.

He would never fuck any animals.

- No, I wouldn't.
- Okay.

Anyway, so, listen, Deborah Vance, um,

is opening a casino in Las Vegas,

and they're looking for
a comedian to do a residency,

and we think that comedian
should be you.

- A Vegas residency?
- That's right.

Huh.

I could get off the road finally.

Mm-hmm.

That could be a good thing for me.

Bruno, Vegas.

Come on, I mean, raw seafood bars

as far as the eye can see,
strip clubs on every block...

I mean, it's the promised land
for guys like us.

This is probably
the tequila talking, but, yeah.

- I'm in.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Okay, amazing.

Fuck it. We are doing it.
Huh? Come on!

- All right!
- Come on, come on, come on.

So, listen, we're gonna head
back to LA tomorrow,

but we'll be in touch with details.

- Well, you can't leave.
- We can't?

No. I have another
show tomorrow night.

Come on, we got to go out afterwards,

celebrate, get drinks.

Oh, uh...

Look, if we're gonna work together,

I need to get to know you guys.

We got to bond, you know?

Stay, stay.

- Please?
- Okay.

- Okay, I mean...
- All right, we'll stay.

- Yeah.
- Yes!

Now, one question...
who's getting the bag?

- Wow, cocaine.
- Oh, cocaine.

- Um...
- I just...

I was really looking forward
to reading before bed.

Trick question... I already got it.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay, fine. I can only do two lines.

You have given me
so much to think about.

This is really, really interesting.

Fantastic pitch.

Yeah, I have... I have
a couple questions. I mean...

Look, Ava, I know
how much you've contributed

to Deborah's recent material.

So, if I want to accurately
capture her true voice,

I need you involved.

Okay, so, when we hand over
the material,

you can ensure that
it's just gonna be used

for bridesmaid speeches
and not to make, like,

Hitler seem young and funny
to red-pilled dark web gooners?

Well, we're not in the business

of censoring our customers.

- Right.
- Don't try to argue with her.

You'll get nowhere.

Next thing you know,
you'll have donated $10,000

to some barista's top surgery.

I don't know what happened
to the term "boob job."

That's what they called it
when I had one.

Ava, AI is here,
and it's here to stay.

So you either get on board,
or you get left in the past.

See...

That is a big part of why I hate it.

This... this forced inevitability.

People like you are always
saying that it's happening

whether you like it or not,

but you're the ones
making it happen, okay?

And you could easily stop it

if people could say
that they didn't want it.

But you don't want to give
people a choice.

So you just say, oh, the
train's already on the tracks,

and you don't let people
decide for themselves.

I'm sorry.
It is technological R-A-P-E.

- "Rape"?
- You said it, not me.

Oh, okay, okay, let's... let's
all just take a breath here.

I wish I could take a breath.

I'm strapped down
in this motherfucker.

I can't breathe in here, Deborah.

Now, why should we believe that
this app is this amazing thing

that is gonna change the world?

Obviously, you want us to believe that

because you stand to profit from it.

So of course you're gonna tell us

that it's happening no matter
what and it's inevitable, okay?

Oh, my God, this is
exactly like when, like,

a fucking random-ass diner
puts a sign out front

that's like, best waffles in America.

And it's like, yeah, according to who?

The people trying to sell
the fucking waffles!

I am not trying to sell you
bad waffles, trust.

Well, yet again,
she's managed to bring waffles

into the conversation.

Okay, lots to think
about here, Graham.

- Yeah.
- Thanks so much.

I'll... uh, I'll give it a thought.

I'll talk to my people.

- Thanks, Deborah.
- Yeah.

Sorry.

- Ava, you need a hand?
- No, I'm fi... I'm good.

- Okay.
- I'm fine.

I hate this place.

It smells like an old bicycle seat.

It's not that bad.

And we needed to save money, so
let's just try and go to sleep.

I just normally sleep naked.

Well, sorry, but tonight
you're not sleeping naked.

Okay?

Okay, Jimmy.

- What is going on over there?
- I'm so itchy!

- My clothes are making me itchy.
- Okay.

You can take off your clothes
underneath the covers.

But then in the morning,
you're putting them back on

- under the covers, okay?
- Yay.

Take off my lady boxers.

Okay, I don't need a play-by-play.

Just do your thing.

Why are you taking them off like that?

That's how I always take
them off... I'm disrobing.

- You do this alone?
- What? Yes.

Now, everybody, take notice.

Show me...

Hello?

I've been waiting for you
down in my office.

Oh, God, can we crack a window?

It smells like King Tutankhamun's tomb

- in here.
- Sorry.

I just... I got distracted
researching the ethics of AI.

Turns out... really bad.

Yeah, well, everything's unethical

if you think about it too much.

As my manicurist says,
"Can you changing?

Then don't think about."

Oh, my God.

Oh, you want me to whitewash
my manicurist?

People have accents!

Okay, just gonna move past that one.

Look, before you meet
with this guy again,

you should know
that large language models

like QuikScribbl are really,
really bad for the environment.

It's an app. Everyone uses apps?

Aren't all apps bad
for the environment?

Yes, but AI uses servers
that need 15 times more energy,

and they build them
in poorer communities.

Look at this.

In Memphis, an AI plant is
stealing all the fresh water

and blasting the air
with nitrogen oxides.

I see.

And how much energy are you using

keeping 400 tabs open on your browser?

See, I can play this game, too.

- Deborah.
- No, come on.

I sold my Malaysian palm-oil farm.

- Can't I have this?
- No.

I am lending my name and my expertise

to a program that is going
to make people's lives easier.

What about the economy, okay?
I know you care about that.

I mean, AI has already destroyed

massive sectors of the workforce.

Yeah, well, you know,
if you job is replaceable,

let it be replaced.

I'm sorry.
That's how the market works.

Oh, my God. Okay, well, what about me?

AI is absolutely gonna
take away jobs from writers.

- It already has.
- Not if you're good!

If you're good, you can't be replaced.

Did you know that in the '80s,
there was a woman in Miami

who would do my entire set verbatim?

And, honestly, before my lift,

she might've looked
better than me, too.

But she couldn't re-create
my stage presence,

and neither can a computer!

You're missing the point, okay?

Maybe you will be fine,

but there are a ton of people
who won't be, okay?

This is causing a cataclysmic
reshaping of our society

that's going to doom us...

Honey, please, please, it's 9:00 a.m.

Okay, well, I'm sorry.

I cannot in good conscience
participate in this.

So, if you use any of my work,
I will sue you.

On what grounds?

The one cool thing about
the American legal system

is that I can sue you even
if I have no legal standing.

I learned that from you.

Okay, fine.

I will just do this deal

with material I've written
without you.

Now, can we please stop talking
about this

and go downstairs and work?

No.

I'm gonna go outside
and look at a tree.

Maybe you could teach
your toaster to paint.

If you were a letter,
what letter would you be?

Mm. A?

You would definitely be
an S, unpredictable...

All right, there we go...
three Long Island Iced Teas.

Oh, no, thank you,
but Long Island's make me sick.

Horny.

- What?
- They make you horny.

Okay, how would you even know that?

Everybody at tennis camp knew that.

You were trying to dance
with everyone.

- Okay...
- It's on now.

- That's awesome.
- Okay.

- Cheers to us.
- Cheers, cheers indeed.

Okay, Bruno, I think we need to talk

about the specifics
of the Divalicious residency.

- Residen...
- Residency.

Cy.

What is your earliest availability?

And maybe we could talk
about, um, an on-sale day.

- We can get your poster done.
- Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

You're making me,
like, nervous, all right?

- Like...
- No! Don't be nervous.

- Come on, man.
- What is that voice?

Don't be nervous.

I said I don't want to talk business.

It's boring. I want to have fun.

Okay. let's play a drinking game,

get to know each other better,

get a little bit more comfortable.

I am up for a drinking game
at all times.

What do you got?

So me and my besties play a game

where you go around the circle,

and you say the worst thing
that you've ever done.

And if your worst thing
is worse than theirs,

you got to take a drink.

Jimmy, you go first.

Oh, no, let's play flip cup.

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Okay, okay.
Okay, this is actually bad.

Um, we got a PR box

of free Sephora products for a client,

and I took them back to Sephora
and returned them

- for store credit.
- No.

- I know, I know.
- That's so bad.

I know, I know, I know.
I've been carrying that around.

It's... it's not how I normally am.

But I was just out of this beard lube.

I have this particular kind
of cream that I shave with,

- and I needed to get it.
- Okay.

- So, Bruno, your turn.
- Yeah. No, I'm good, I'm good.

Oh, come on, I just told
my Sephora thing,

- so now I kind of feel weird.
- Okay, fine. I'll go, I'll go.

I got a good one.

Okay, the worst thing I ever did was,

I poked holes in my dad's condoms

'cause I wanted a sister.

And then he used those condoms
with his mistress

and then got her pregnant.

And she wanted to keep it,
but it ended up being a boy,

so now we have, like,
a creepy half brother

- who no one talks to at events.
- Oh. I really love Robert.

I try and make him feel welcome
whenever I see him.

He stinks.

Okay, Bruno, now that you know
the rules, your turn.

What's the worst thing
you've ever done?

It was six years ago
this coming August.

What was?

I was leaving my ex's.

And we'd just
gotten in one of these fights

that we would get
into all the time, where...

we would just say awful fucking
shit to each other, man,

just trying our hardest
to hurt one another.

I was driving.

I was so pissed off,
and I couldn't see straight.

And he was just there.

He was just suddenly there
out of nowhere,

and I slammed on the brakes.

I slammed on the brakes,
but it was too late, man.

It was too late.

That sound, that sound...
I can hear it all the time.

I hear it when I'm trying to sleep.

It's like it haunts me.

He was dead.

And what would driving him
to the hospital have done?

He was gone.
So I just drove and drove.

I just kept driving.

- You got to turn yourself in.
- What?

Bruno, think about the family.

That poor family.

- Jimmy...
- What? They need closure.

Uh, Bruno, you can't keep
living like this, okay?

It's eating you alive.
You're killing yourself.

Look at you... you're
on the road all the time.

You're drinking way too much.
You're self-medicating.

You're totally scaring us.

You never want to talk about work.

It's weird.

The only way through is out.

You've got to turn
yourself in, brother.

You're right.

I can't live this fucking lie anymore.

Fuck, man.

I'll call 911, I guess.

Yeah.

Hello.

I am Kayla Schaefer,

and I am reporting a murder

that my friend did.

Graham, hello.

Hey. Come on.

- Hello, gorgeous.
- Oh, nice to see you again.

Mwah.

You hungry? You want a, uh, piggy?

- Oh, I think I'll pass.
- Okay.

Hey, uh, thanks for meeting me here.

Oh, yeah. You a big, uh, soccer fan?

Eh...

I own that French team
right there in the blue unis.

- Oh.
- I'd be there right now,

but it's a lot more important to me

to lock down this deal with you.

Well, I'll tell you what...
once my casino is open,

I'll make sure you have your own seat

at the Diva's sportsbook lounge.

Okay. So you're in?

My lawyers looked over the terms,

- and they gave it the okay.
- Ah. Yes!

Eulogies everywhere just got
a whole lot fucking funnier.

You are gonna make

- so many people funny.
- Oh, well...

And I bet pretty soon
you're gonna be using it

to write your own material.

Oh, well, I doubt that.

Well, you are...

'cause it's gonna be so good,
you're gonna want to.

No, I don't think so.

Mm, yes, you will,

'cause everyone's gonna be using it.

So, if you want to keep up
with the other comedians,

you're gonna have to.

But I want to write the jokes.

- Mm-hmm.
- I like doing the work.

So you're telling me that if
you got stuck on a punch line

and you had a tool at your
disposal to help you with that,

- you wouldn't use it?
- Absolutely not.

There's no shortcut.

Yeah, but here's the thing...
there is.

I created it. You're welcome.

Well, okay, fine. Yes, there is.

But using that shortcut
then makes it something else.

It makes it not art.

Um, I'm sorry, but your joke

about laser hair removal is art?

Okay, you're right.

It's pretentious to call it art.

But that "laser hair removal"
joke is something I arrived

at after trying
a million other versions.

Every time that joke didn't work,

not only did I make it better,
but it made me a comedian...

- Mm-hmm.
- Because to become one,

you have to do it and fail
and do it and fail

over and over and over until
you figure out who you are.

Lady, stop squawking at me.

All I'm trying to do

is make your life easier.

But it shouldn't be.

Why are you trying to optimize
the creative process?

I mean, that's one of the things

we've actually figured out...
we're good there.

You know, and we have been ever since

cavemen told stories about bears.

I mean, fix the ozone,
come up with a cure for cancer.

Oh, my God, cancer again.

Look, it sounds a little bit

like you don't really respect
QuikScribbl.

I respect your business acumen.

I do, I do, but art is only art

because of the humanity behind it.

Plenty of artists
are already using it.

Well, fine. That's their right.

It doesn't mean
I have to respect them.

Oh, excuse me, I didn't know
Shakespeare had a beehive.

Oh, okay, that was good.
That was good.

See, you came up with that
all by yourself.

Aren't you proud?

Yeah, this is clearly not gonna work.

- Yeah, guess not.
- Take care.

Okay, you take care, too.

You know what, lady?

I can get any comic
I want to train my AI.

"Kill Tony" said he'd do it for free.

Yeah, you do that.

By the way, one of your guys
just scored an own goal.

Ah, fuck!

Fuck.

- What?
- Chill out, man.

Just watch the game.

What are you doing out here?

Listening to the crickets
while I write...

watching the stars,
communing with nature,

you know, while I still can.

You get your blood money?

No.

I decided against it.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

Yes! Whoo!

Score one for the good guys!

I am so glad I got through to you.

No, no, this was an amoral decision

based on a nerd being a loser to me.

- If you say so.
- Oh, please.

This was not all you.

If I was that susceptible
to your influence,

I would have become a communist

the moment you first darkened
my doorstep.

- Whatever.
- Oh, God.

All right.

Now that that's behind us,

let's see if we can tackle
the real existential problem

- of our time.
- Hmm.

- This goddamn opening joke.
- Oh, yeah.

I've been, uh... I've been
working on a couple things.

Check that out.

- Oof.
- Okay.

Guess I didn't figure it out.

Well, no, but that's okay.

We will...

or we won't, you know,
but at least it'll be on us.

Hell, yeah.

I got to be honest...

I haven't written anything
in, like, 30 minutes.

I accidentally dropped my pen
in the pond.

But I've been thinking.

Housekeeping.

Okay.

- Oh, my God! Why...
- Oh, oh!

- Oh, my God!
- Where are my clothes?

- Where are my clothes?
- I'm sorry.

- Did we have sex?
- No!

Well, then why am I naked?

Oh, my God, did Kayla and I have sex?

- Who's Kayla?
- My partner!

Then wouldn't it be okay
if you had sex?

No! She's my business partner.

This is a work trip.

What is going on?

- Did you guys have sex?
- No!

Okay, well, he's naked.
You got to give him privacy.

Come on.

So weird. What is up with this hotel?

Kayla, what happened last night?

Well, we convinced Bruno

to turn himself in
after a hit-and-run.

- That was crazy.
- Oh, my God.

Fuck, that's right. And then what?

And then the last Long Island
really got you.

You could barely walk.

It was kind of sweet seeing you
so vulnerable like that.

Then we found out
that the hotel has bedbugs.

Bedbugs?

- Oh! Oh! Oh, my...
- I know.

I... I was like, bedbugs are real?

We freaked out.
We burned all our clothes.

- You burned our clothes?
- We burned our clothes.

You were the one that lit
the first match, honey.

Why did you let me sleep here
if there are bedbugs?

Let you?

I don't let you do anything.

I'm not in charge
of anyone's actions but my own.

I am really getting it.

Oh, my God,
no wonder you were so itchy.

Of course there were bedbugs.

Anyways, I got us new clothes
at Sassafras.

What the fuck is Sassafras?

It's a teen clothing store for girls.

It's the only place that was open,

but they have some
really cute stuff in there.

It's also so important
for girls in the community

to have a place that they can go,

get cute stuff
that doesn't sexualize them.

I don't care. Good for them.

You should care.
I talked to Mandy about it.

Who the fuck is Mandy, and
why are we talking about her?

The owner of Sassafras!

She is a small-business owner,
and you just yelled about her!

Okay, I'm sure she's lovely.
I just want to get dressed.

This is highly inappropriate, Kayla.

Okay, here, here's your clothes.

Put it on.

Last time I ever help you
with anything.

Just kidding.

Hurry up, We're gonna miss the flight.

Oh.

Oh, my God, are you sure
we're walking the right way?

I think so. Where the F is it?

I swear I parked here.

We've been walking forever,
and these stupid Sugar Floaties

are giving me horrible blisters.

Get over it. You look good.

Oh, no, it's Deborah.

I'm gonna have to tell her
about Bruno.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I know you've been working

on getting us Bruno Fox for the Diva,

but I've changed my mind.

Oh, no. Why?

We're scaling way back.

I selflessly have given up

on the idea of erecting
a giant statue of myself.

It... it's a tragedy.

Jimmy, you should have seen
the breasts.

And we are scrapping the whole
idea of a big theater entirely.

Instead it's gonna be
a proper comedy club...

you know, intimate, old school,

you know, a place
where emerging comics

have a chance to hone their voices.

I actually think that's really cool.

Great. Well, I hope
you didn't go to any trouble.

Oh, no.

- No trouble at all.
- Good.

- Okay, Let's talk soon.
- Bye.

Well, she doesn't want Bruno.

So I guess we got bedbugs for nothing.

Oh, I think that's it! Yes!

Oh, thank God.

- My car!
- Hey!

Hey, wait! Wait, wait!

We paid for parking. Wait.

Daddy? What the hell?

My God, have you no dignity? Cover up.

Uh, I am covered. It's a full blouse.

I'm talking to Jimmy.

You look like two Hannah Montanas.

Hannah Montana was two people,

you fucking moron.

We got bedbugs,
and we had to go to Sassafras.

- What about the chokers?
- They complete the look.

Apparently, they complete the look.

Mm, I'm taking
your Porsche back, Kayla.

What? You can't take back
a 31st-birthday gift,

you crazy psycho!

See, I heard what you did.

You talked Bruno
into turning himself in.

Why didn't you just leverage it,

offer to keep his secret

if he did
your stupid fucking residency?

It's about closure for the family!

Well, losing your car
is just the beginning, Kayla.

You see, our most valuable asset...

it's not our money.

It is the Schaefer family name,
and you are sullying it.

Whatever. Who cares?

I'm not paying
for your bullshit anymore.

- Your trust fund's gone.
- Wait, what?

And say goodbye to your fancy office.

Good luck running your
pathetic fucking company now.

Let's go!

Fuck!

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