Original subtitles

(phone ringing)

Hello, this is Dwight Schrute.

Hello?

Hello, this is Dwight.

Hello, hello.

Yes, we do have that.

Hold on one second.

Jim, what are you doing?

And how many would you like?

- Hang that up right now. - Absolutely.

I can get that out to you immediately.

This man is an imposter.

Do not do business with him.

This is not Dwight Schrute.

- Dwight left his cell phone on his desk,

so naturally I paired it to my headset.

(phone ringing)

- Okay fine, I'll just let it go to voicemail.

Hello, this is Dwight.

Hey, is this Dwight?

Yes it is.

- Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.

- Oh, thank you, I've been working out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Pam, Pam,

you are not talking to Dwight right now.

You are talking to Jim.

Dwight?

No!

Pam, I'm over here.

I'm confused.

Disconnect that right now.

You give me your earpiece.

Can't do that, unsanitary.

Ah!

Okay, you know what, fine.

I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone.

Done.

(phone ringing)

This is Dwight.

Oh, and I forwarded his desk phone to mine.

Oh hello, Mutter.

Good news, I've married, tell Father.

Such a nice woman.

(phone slamming)

(phone ringing)

(Dwight grunts)

(upbeat theme music)

- [Michael] Today is Toby Flenderson's last day.

I couldn't sleep last night.

I came in extra early.

So much energy.

There are certain days that you know

you will remember for the rest of your life,

and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.

- Morning. - Mornin'.

So here we go, just a matter of hours now

until his horribleness has left the building.

I'm going to set my watch alarm,

and (watch beeps).

[Toby] Morning, Kelly.

- I can't believe this is your last day.

How do you feel?

Fine, good.

I feel weird.

- This is a picture I've been carrying around

in my wallet for about six years.

It's this sun spoiled beach in Costa Rica, Playa Grande?

Yeah, I take it out when I get stressed or depressed

and it would really calm me down.

Never thought I'd get to live here, you know?

But it turns out they built these great new condos there,

so this could be me right around where the trees used to be.

- First thing on the agenda, actually,

the only thing on the agenda

is the status of Toby's going away party.

- We have a buttercream cake, and a slideshow of Toby.

Okay.

- But so far, we only have two pictures of him.

Okay, well this will not do.

Toby is going away forever,

and we need to do something very, very special.

In some cultures when somebody leaves,

like New Orleans culture, they have a parade,

and they have a band, and people party in the streets.

Do you mean leaves as in dies?

You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans funeral?

If the devil were to explode,

and evil were gone forever,

what sort of party would you have?

Michael.

- Like a beach blow out, or a toga, toga?

No!

Toga!

You always do this.

We have a nice modest party planned,

and then you come in and demand the world.

Let me be clear, there is simply no money

for anything other than a cake,

and to develop a few more slides.

Although, Toby won't be in them.

- I thought that you might say that.

(Michael humming)

Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother

sends me a check on my birthday for $50,

and lately, she has been

sending me like nine or 10 checks a year

as Nana starts to...

but I knew I should be saving it for something.

I just didn't know what I should be saving it for.

And then I had an awakening.

Michael, buy a motorcycle.

So I put the money in my shoe,

and then I forgot about it until now.

I want a party that makes me feel

like I am flying through the air

without this ugly weight holdin' me down, you know?

I want an antigravity machine.

I saw it in a movie.

You drink a potion, and then you

just start floating all around.

- So how much antigravity potion do you want?

No, no you know what?

This is not a party planning committee anymore.

And I don't want your foot money,

and I feel uncomfortable participating.

Phyllis, can you do this?

Yes.

- I was gonna have Phyllis be in charge of cups today,

but even then I had a stack of cups standing by in my trunk.

(Angela huffing)

Great.

There's no, I-

Second cupboard from the left.

Thank you.

(Angela crunching)

(phone ringing)

Hi, can I help you?

Hi, yes, I'm Holly Flax.

I was told to ask for a Mr. Flenderson?

As part of my last day,

I'm training the new human resources rep

in the ways of the company.

Again, the company has allotted for this training, one day.

So this is HR, this is your desk.

I love the view.

Yeah, it's great isn't it?

Behind you here is Kelly Kapoor.

She works in customer service.

Kelly, this is Holly.

Hi, nice to meet you.

- Hi, Holly. - Hi.

Gosh, you must've done something right.

You're the only cubicle in the whole office.

- Oh my god, let's get rid of it.

I don't even know why it's here.

I just came in one day and it was up,

and nobody asked how I felt about it 'cause if they did,

I would've said, I don't like it.

I really don't like it.

If anything, it makes it harder to talk.

Okay, thanks Kelly.

(phone ringing)

Hey.

Hey.

What?

- Guess who just got into the Pratt School of Design?

No way!

What did I say?

I said that they'd love those sketches.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

I don't know why I doubted it,

because I'm so clearly awesome.

Yes!

So when do you start?

- I don't know, I didn't read it carefully.

I just saw congratulations, and I skimmed the list,

I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack.

Wow, busy morning.

So, you know it means

I have to go to New York for three months.

That's not a big deal.

I'll come visit you.

And you'll visit me.

It's only two hours away, it'll be fine.

That part's gonna suck, but it'll be great.

- Yeah it sucks, but it'll be great.

See how easy that is?

- I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim.

And down the road if we have a family,

I couldn't go then either,

so the timing's perfect.

And that is the first time

I've ever used the word perfect in here.

Hey, Stanley.

Want to introduce you to-

Toby's replacement.

(Dwight growls)

Wow.

- [Dwight] So what do we know about her?

- Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great.

So, strike one, I hate her already.

I hate her too.

Why do you hate her?

Because she stinks

with her ways, and her head.

You know Dwight, sometimes,

I don't know, I think you say things just to agree with me.

- Would that be such a bad thing?

Yeah, it would.

Just have a thought, have an original thought.

Although, I will agree that her head is weird.

- You know what we need to do? - What?

- We need to sell her an elevator pass.

- But our elevator doesn't require a, oh.

Exactly.

Little old-fashioned hazing.

- [Robocall] City and state, please.

Scranton, Pennsylvania.

[Robocall] What listing?

Antigravity chamber company.

- [Robocall] You've selected Chamber of Commerce.

If this is correct, press one to be connected.

(phone ringing)

- [Woman] Scranton Chamber of Commerce.

- Hi, are there any local companies

that rent antigravity machines?

[Woman] Antigravity machines?

That's right, yeah.

- [Woman] What do they do, exactly?

They make you feel lighter.

[Woman] Antigravity.

Antidepressant?

I could put you through to someone on that.

Okay.

- (person knocks) - Yeah.

Hey, Michael?

- Oh, hey, do you still work here?

- I'd like to introduce you to my replacement.

- Nah. - Come on.

- No, I think I will pass. - Michael Scott, this is Holly.

- Hi. - Hi, yeah right.

Okay, well they hired a female Toby.

Good for the world.

Thank you God for creating two of you.

Here's how things work here.

My job is to make the office fun.

Your job is to make the office lame.

And we have an eternal struggle, you and I.

And only one of us can be the winner.

Spoiler alert, I'm gonna win.

Man, someone doesn't like HR.

Yeah.

What did you do to him?

Nothing.

- No, he tortured me with his awfulness.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I nearly fell asleep when he gave me a tour of the files.

Well look, I'll let you get back to work

but I really look forward to working with you, Mr. Scott.

You know, Michael.

Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice

against human resources.

I believe that the department

is a breeding ground for monsters.

What I fail to consider, though,

is that not all monsters are bad.

Like E.T.?

Is Holly our extraterrestrial?

Maybe.

Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet.

- And this is Jim Halpert. - Hi.

And Pam Beesly.

- Oh, Pam, Toby said such nice things about you.

Thank you.

He didn't mention me, did he?

- Oh, we didn't have a chance to go over everybody.

- I've always gotten along well with Toby.

We're friends.

But I don't think we'll stay in touch, necessarily.

I think I'll probably get updates on him from Pam.

The pleasure's all mine.

Oh, thanks.

I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you

and finding out more about what you do here.

Anytime.

What do you do here?

Excuse me.

What is wrong with this woman?

She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business.

What do I do?

Really, what do I do here?

I should've written it down.

Qua-something.

Qua, quire, qui, qua, quir, quabity.

Quabity-assuance.

No, no, no, no, but I'm getting close.

- Oh I think that makes us neighbors.

It's a couple streets over.

- Oh, maybe you can show me some of the fun hangouts,

and where to get my nails done.

Sure, that sounds fun!

Great.

I hate that bitch.

I wanna cut her face.

- Have you been introduced to Kevin?

No, which one's Kevin?

(Kevin snickering)

- He's here on a special work program.

He's slow, you know, in his brain?

Oh, good for you guys.

Yeah.

Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee

that she is not welcome or liked.

Accounting department, listen up.

Holly, human resources.

Angela, Oscar, and Kevin.

Hello, hello.

Hi.

Hi.

What do you do?

I do the numbers.

Oh, good for you.

Do you want an M&M?

- Oh no, that is so sweet, but thank you though.

- Yeah, I keep them here at my desk

so that everybody doesn't take them.

- Well that is a very safe place for them.

- Yeah. - There she is, Holly.

You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling,

we'd have to kiss underneath it, her.

So, I don't, oh I'm sorry.

Question, are you real or are you a Holly-gram?

Oh.

(Holly laughs)

Nice, I've never heard that one before,

actually, that's good.

I bet.

Are these guys boring your ears off?

No, no, I like them.

What is your commute like?

How long does it take to get in?

- Ooh-

- You know, I should make you a mix.

Do you have a CD player?

Yeah, okay.

- All right. - Thanks.

- Yep. - Great.

Do you like it?

It's a photo of everyone in the office,

so you can take it to Costa Rica.

You're not in it.

- Well, I was taking the picture.

I love it, I love it.

I would love a picture of the two of us

to also take to Costa Rica.

- Sure, do you have a camera here?

Not, uh.

Does anyone have a camera here?

No one has a camera here.

Okay.

- I'm gonna, I'll go and get one.

I'll just...

- So I just got the fax closing the sale, and it's big.

It is really big.

[Ryan] Congratulations.

- Thanks. - Don't interrupt.

Congratulations on doing your job.

Did you enter the sale on the website?

- Nope, I didn't. I just logged it in-

- [Ryan] All right, try to be a team player here, Jim.

Log it in the website.

- All right, well it already went through.

- [Ryan] Don't worry about that, just re-log it.

(dial tone)

Hello?

- I mean upside down situps, no that's not right.

Thanks for your time.

(knocks)

Yes?

Good news, Phyll.

The band just had a last minute cancellation,

so we are available to play at the going away party tonight.

No way.

After what you guys did at my wedding?

- That wasn't me, Phyllis. That was Chester on bass.

- I'm talking about 30 Police songs in a row,

all off key, off tempo,

and you forgot at least half the lyrics.

- Well, Phyllis, that was Scrantonicity.

Today we're, now I am with Scrantonicity 2.

Give me a break.

Fine, Phyllis.

I'm sorry that I ruined your wedding.

I didn't mean, Kev!

Kevin?

Nice job, real nice.

Thank you.

I didn't mean it.

Really, you didn't mean it?

* Oh hike up your skirt a little more *

Jim?

* *

* Hike up your *

- I'm downloading some M3P-

- That's not it. - Music for a CD mix tape.

- Close. - For Holly.

- [Jim] Mm-hmm.

- And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.

What are the two levels?

- The two levels being welcome to Scranton,

and I love you.

- Okay, let's start with the I love you level.

Hey, what's the group

that was from Scranton and made it big?

Was that U2?

Yes.

You don't love Holly.

- I think I do. - But you just met her.

- Well, it's love at first sight.

Actually it was, no, it was when I heard her voice.

It was love at first see with my ears.

- Oh, okay it doesn't work like that.

Well, you're not a romantic.

Actually, I think I am,

and I have a little bit of experience in office romance.

- Oh really? - Yeah.

Like, with who?

We've been through this.

Pam?

Yes, we are still dating.

And guess what, I took it slow.

Yeah, you took it too slow.

Well, we're really happy.

- This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.

- And that's really sweet, and you can think that,

but you don't say that out loud,

and you definitely don't say it to her.

I don't want her to get away.

I know.

Here, Michael, you can court her

as you get to know her, you know?

I mean, the office is a great place for that.

Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there.

I mean, first time we joked around was at my desk.

And the first meal we ever had

was in the break room, actually.

And we were at two separate tables,

and I remember that.

First time we kissed even was right outside,

and look, all I'm saying

is that you can get to know someone really, really well,

like I did, right here at work.

I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing

to propose in the office.

Every couple's got that beautiful, magical place,

you know?

And for some people it's a waterfall,

and the Grand Canyon, and Central Park.

And for me and Pam it's this office.

But, I feel like Pam's expecting fireworks, you know?

- Well, who can do a party of this size?

But you're in the business.

You must surely know of some other businesses.

Okay, well I just want a damn dance floor!

Sorry, so sorry, I shouldn't have sworn, I'm so sorry.

Thanks for your time.

(Jim knocks)

What?

Sorry, I shouldn't have said what like that.

It was really rude.

Scared me.

How's the party planning going?

Jim, I am so (bleep).

- So it's going great, sounds like.

- I don't know, I'm not used to the stress.

When I was growing up, my mom said the sky's the limit.

I could do anything.

Be a teacher's aid, nurse's assistant,

some kind of volunteer.

But now I'm not so sure.

- I was thinking, fireworks at the party.

What do you think?

- Oh boy, I appreciate your help but I can't-

- Oh no no, I just meant I wanted to pay

to have fireworks at the party.

Why would you do that?

Because I'm gonna miss Toby.

Yep, he's a heck of a guy

and I think we should send him off right.

Doesn't matter, here you go.

[Phyllis] Really?

- Well, we all want a good party, right?

I'm going to propose tonight.

Holy crap!

(coins jingling)

(phone ringing)

Hey, Kevin.

Hi.

Do you need some help?

I can't decide what to get.

Well, what do you like to eat?

Well, I like pretzels but,

I really like chips.

- Hmm, well how much money do you have there?

Okay, let's see.

50, oh.

This is a button.

Okay, good.

55, 65, okay you have 75 cents

so that means you could get anything up in the top row.

Hm.

I am totally gonna bang Holly.

She is cute, and helpful,

and she really seems into me.

- Okay, this is the second time in two days

that the website isn't working.

Do you guys know anything about it?

- The website is hiding, forming alliances with other sites,

preparing an attack for which we will have no defense.

Do you honestly believe that?

Yes I do.

- I'm gonna get a second opinion.

- It was down for a couple hours yesterday,

then back up,

and now I've heard from a very reliable source

that it is once again out of commission.

And that reliable source is you.

- Okay, so you don't know what's going on.

I do, 'cause I just told you.

Hey, Michael.

Any idea what's going on with Dunder Mifflin Infinity?

Yeah, crackers would be nice.

- [Andy] Want something to nosh on there, boss?

[Michael] Hey, stranger.

Hello.

Long as you're pouring, I'll.

Here you go.

Someone's gotta stop me

from drinking this whole thing by myself.

Well, that would be me.

I'm a coffee monster.

Coffee.

Yeah, exact.

Okay.

Okay, sorry.

My god.

I did it.

What'd you do?

I talked to her, Holly?

Just pleasantries, nothing, not like do you want kids,

or religion, or what side of the bed do you want?

Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point.

Wow, okay, so how'd that feel?

- It was hard. I wanted to kiss her.

Oh, I'm so glad you didn't.

Shoo, oh god.

Layin' a base, layin' a base.

There you go.

There's plenty of base laying left, right?

Hey.

Yeah.

Hello, Angela.

- Phyllis, you look like you're gonna have a heart attack.

- Can I get a list of your vendors?

I shredded it.

Why would you do that?

- Gosh, I just don't know. Why do you think?

- (things clatter) - Sorry.

[Holly] Damn it.

Hello, Holly.

Whoa, what are you doing?

You don't,

you don't have to do that.

We have already put together chairs.

That's how we buy them, actually.

Oh, I was trying to adjust

the lumbar support on Toby's chair,

and that made this up-down lever thing not work,

and then I took the whole chair apart,

and that is the story of me on the floor.

It's pretty good, right?

I'm gonna sell the movie rights.

And the sequel,

woman stands at desk and works.

So, I have no idea how you sit like that.

Yoga.

- (speaking like Yoda) Sit on floor and put together chair,

we will.

Yoda.

- (speaking like Yoda) Pass curvy metal piece, you will.

- So are you in town this weekend?

'Cause I'm not, I'm not.

I'm not gonna be in town.

Goin' out of town.

Oh, so you can't make my orgy?

Kidding!

Oh, kidding.

Acting!

Acting!

Acting!

Lovitz.

Yeah.

Here's one.

200 square feet, below street level, toilet down the hall.

Oh, look at this.

Live with me, four hour commute, full bathroom privileges.

So, that's a good deal.

Or you could live with me.

We could be very happy here.

That's 90 square feet each,

leaving room for a puppy.

- Well, if Ryan fires me, you might get your wish.

Do you really think he will?

Well.

Is Ryan gonna fire me? I don't know.

I know that I've done everything I can,

and I just brought in a huge sale.

And am I insane, or was this kid a temp two years ago?

Because in the three years that he's been here,

I think all he's ever done is start a fire and grow a beard,

and it's not even a good beard.

Hey.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Did you just buy that?

Yeah.

Maybe this'll be my thing in Costa Rica.

Be a nature photographer.

That sounds cool.

Yeah.

Mind if I get a picture?

- Sure. - Think you could?

Okay.

Okay.

Good one?

- Okay, now it's really easy to use.

- Think I could get one- - Oh yeah.

- Standing up? - Yeah, yeah.

- Okay. - Right.

- Standing- - Funny faces.

- Okay, funny face one, two, three.

Okay, great.

[Jim] That's a cool camera.

Oh my gosh.

That is the cutest picture of you and Sprinkles ever.

Thank you.

I took the photo posthumously.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Well, may I just say that you carry grief mighty sexily.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Put that right there. - Okay.

Okay, later.

Okay.

Hey, Ryan, it's Jim.

Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you lately,

but you know what?

I really don't care, because you're trying to get rid of me

and I bet you think I don't care enough about this job

to actually fight back, but you're wrong

because I do, and I will.

So you can keep trying to push me

out of this place, but guess what?

I'm not goin' anywhere.

(Jim sighs)

(keyboard clacking)

Troy Underbridge for Michael?

- I'm sorry, I didn't see you come in.

Troy.

What are you doing here?

- Just filling in for Ryan, as a favor.

Where is Ryan?

- He had an urgent matter in New York.

Welcome to our land.

Dwight?

Michael will be out in a second.

- Can I get you a tankard of mead?

- Hey Troy, could you do me a huge favor?

Next time you see Ryan,

can you tell him to check his messages?

That'd be great.

If I see him, I'll tell him.

- Why wouldn't you see him? You work for him.

I report to Wallace now.

Okay, what's going on?

Stop.

Don't look at me.

On the counter you will find

bread, peanut butter, and jelly.

Pretend to make yourself a sandwich.

Pretend, or really make one?

Really make one.

- Make your own (bleep) sandwich.

- Will you please make a sandwich?

Now, according to my sources,

you have an issue with the new HR woman.

Well, so do I.

And so does our secret benefactor.

That's too much peanut butter.

What I propose is a good old-fashioned hazing,

and I need your help.

If you choose to accept this mission,

wipe the knife off before you stick it in the jelly.

Have you ever made a sandwich before?

Damn it, Meredith.

What'd you guys do?

Oh, there he is.

Thought you had gone home already.

Why don't you go home, and come back for the party?

- Well, we still have to do the exit interview.

Yes we do.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

I've been very much looking forward to this moment.

Very, very much.

I have been steeped in anticipation.

Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for 12 years,

and I am now his cruise director

and my name is Captain Bruisin'.

(upbeat music)