Original subtitles

- Uh-huh.

Nice.

(Pam chuckles)

What's wrong, Michael?

I got gum in my hair.

You do.

This just stinks.

Don't touch it.

Please, don't touch it.

You've got a ton of dandruff.

Okay, let me be.

- How'd you get gum in your hair?

I was walking in

and I noticed something shiny under Stanley's car,

and I got under to see what it was,

and I messed up my hair,

all for a stupid piece of tin foil.

- But, best-case scenario, you thought it was a quarter.

Kill me, right now.

Let me get in there, boss.

Keep that man away from me.

- We have peanut butter in the kitchen.

(Dwight claps)

- I don't feel like peanut butter.

Get me an ice-cream sandwich.

Nope, not for you.

It's for your hair, and it is 9:00 AM.

- No, Dwight, not the good peanut butter,

people are gonna get mad.

- Hey, hey, hey, this is my hair we're talking about.

It smells good.

Tastes good too.

Oh, don't, that's disgusting.

Wow, lotta calories.

- Well, just don't leave it on too long.

Keep massaging please.

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

(Michael moans)

(upbeat theme music)

- Hey, Michael, how was your date last night?

(Michael groans)

- I will be honest, the dating has not been going well.

Look, men are visual creatures.

We crave beauty,

like a piece of fine art by

any number of renowned artists,

or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude,

that, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are...

Not that they aren't nice

or that have great personalities,

they just,

they just lack a certain Crawfordness.

I am livid, absolutely livid.

It's ridiculous.

- Man, are you still talking about how I drank your kefir?

I said that I was sorry.

No. Ryan just sent an email.

- Yes, I'm having the Scranton branch come in on one Saturday

so they can reenter sales that they made on the phone

as sales made by the website,

which they shoulda done in the first place,

if the website had been working.

[Pam] So it's definite?

Looks like it.

Shoot.

Jim and I were gonna go to the

Cherry Blossom Festival this weekend.

I'm sorry,

your voice over my head like that...

Sorry.

- How successful is Dunder Mifflin Infinity?

Well, tomorrow, Saturday morning,

we all have to come in and reenter sales we already made

in order to pretend that the website did it.

So, how successful does that sound?

- Oh, I have to work on one Saturday,

I'm so distressed.

You know what?

My Wall Street buddies, they work a hundred hours a week.

God, those guys are rich.

My favorite branch.

How's everybody doing?

Hey, Ryan.

- Wow, so refreshing to hear my name like that.

In New York, all the receptionists

call me Mr. Howard. It's so weird.

- Do you want me to start calling you Mr. Howard?

- No, no, we go way back, you keep calling me Ryan.

Okay, I will.

All right.

- I presume you're here because of the website problems?

Stanley, give it up.

Yeah, we still do it old school, right?

Even though I'm your boss's boss's boss.

[Michael] Hey, Ryan.

Michael.

If you're wondering at all

why I'm not giving you a more excited welcome,

I have been depressed.

It's okay.

You wanna know why?

If it's private, it's private.

I can't not hug you.

Can't do it, come here.

Come here.

(Michael moans)

What is that? Linen?

It feels nice on my face.

- Do-do-do-do-do- do-do-do-do-do.

The bossman cometh.

Andy.

- By the way, I am not mad at you,

unlike some other people in this office.

My favorite branch!

I don't like my job very much,

but I really don't like doing my job twice,

and Ryan's Dunder Mifflin Infinity

is giving me the opportunity to do that.

So, thanks, Ryan.

Hey man, do you mind if I run something by you?

Love it. Go.

- Well, I kind of feel like what we have going for us

is our customer service.

And no matter how much we change this up,

I don't know that a website's gonna be able to replace that.

- I can tell you've thought about this a lot,

I appreciate that.

Thanks.

David Wallace does too.

You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right?

- Did I? Um--

You did. Yeah.

Hmm.

Watch your back, Jim.

I'm just kidding.

Hey, uh, no big introduction.

No, no, not big, elegant.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan

because he is the reason we all have to come in tomorrow,

however, I swear to God,

if any of you hurts him in any way,

emotionally, or taunts him,

or makes fun of his height or his half beard--

Okay.

- He... - Thanks, Michael.

Yeah.

- I'm here today to do some creative problem-solving

about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and field your questions.

Question.

Dwight?

- Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow

and pretend that a website made sales that I made?

This is a temporary measure

to increase the legitimacy of the site.

- I don't like when my clients call me

to help them use a website,

I'm not seeing commissions on that.

I hear you, Stanley,

that is a great observation.

- Problems like that will not happen

when we launch Dunder Mifflin Infinity 2.0.

When will that be?

TBD. Phyllis?

- Did the police solve the problem with the--

- Yes, yes, they did. Yes, they did.

Yes, the social-networking feature

of the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website

was infiltrated by sexual predators.

- I don't understand why our website

needs to have social networking at all.

- Yeah, I'd have to agree with Dwight on that one.

- It's all about creating a one-stop consumer experience.

All right, you're chatting with your friends,

you're talking about the latest music, about the election.

All of it is happening in our virtual paper store.

- And then an older gentleman asks you, "Boxers or briefs?"

- I don't get the big fuss here, I like the site.

- If I had created a website with this many problems,

I'd kill myself.

Do you have a question, Kelly?

- Yeah, I have a lot of questions.

Number one, how dare you?

- Mm-hmm. Oscar?

- What about the credit-card-encryption problem?

As a matter of fact,

we were alerted to that problem quite quickly,

by one of the quote, unquote sexual predators

that you guys were just complaining about, so...

That problem, as well,

will be fixed when the new version drops.

TBD?

Yes.

(Michael claps)

Ryan has done a very good job.

And I am not applauding sarcastically.

Think about it, a month ago,

nobody would go on this site

because we were worried about getting molested,

or losing our identity, having it stolen.

But now, at a time TDB,

all of these problems will be in the past.

You done good, kid. You done good.

(Michael and Dwight clap)

Well, it has been nice seeing you again, my friend.

You too.

- Oh, Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad.

Michael, let me go.

Let me go, Michael. (Michael grunts)

All right.

Do you know any girls in New York

you might wanna hook me up with,

that might be interested in a guy like me?

- No. - Nah.

Sorry, man.

Ah, well, you tried.

But seriously,

you should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city.

Yeah.

Unreal.

They sound great.

Bye, everyone.

Stay real, Scranton, all right?

(Stanley groans)

Peace.

- Would you have sex with Meredith?

What?

- Do you think she'd keep it quiet?

- I can't believe you're asking me that.

She'd talk.

Might not be that bad though.

She seems very eager.

I'm going to go to my desk.

- Jim, it's not the horniness, okay?

It's the loneliness, that's...

I know.

Let's go to New York.

We'll go clubbing with Ryan.

- I can't. - Yes, you can.

You're single, I'm single, it'll be awesome.

I'm not single.

Who are you dating?

Pam.

That's still going on?

(Michael sighs)

Okay, Dwight, grab your stuff.

We're going to New York to party with Ryan

and to meet girls.

Yeah!

Oh, yes. Count me in, dudes.

I am in serious need of some bro time.

Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately,

if you know what I'm saying.

I'm right here.

No, singles only.

Singles only, also, three is unlucky.

Curse of three.

- Sorry, Andy, cannot take any chances on curses,

not tonight. Let's go.

Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, Saturday morning,

probably wearing the same clothes

that I am wearing right now,

if you catch my drift.

We get it.

I am going to go get laid.

Goodbye.

(Dwight chuckles)

With sex.

- [Michael] That's, I meant that.

Bye, Angela.

You know what?

If we all stayed a couple of hours late tonight,

without Michael distracting us,

we wouldn't have to come in at all tomorrow.

- Sausage sandwiches at the Cherry Blossom Festival?

- How do you even know they're gonna have those?

Did you go online?

Hmm?

Is that where we're going?

I'll be right back.

Angela, Angela--

Oh!

(scoffs) I thought you were a mugger.

A mugger that knows your name?

- Most muggings happen between acquaintances.

- So I caught everyone before they left,

and I told them my idea.

And they loved it,

because this is a group that respects good ideas.

The one time a year they hear one.

Ryan's assistant told us

that he would be at this club this evening.

It is called Prerogative.

(dance music)

The place is packed.

Fire hazard.

Packed with beautiful babies.

Swingers, classic.

Jon Favreau, the tall guy from Dodgeball.

Women look like white slaves.

- [Michael] No, they are just hot, hotties.

I don't know, man.

I mean, when you think about it,

Cabo's really the third world.

I don't go to a place like that

to see more poverty, you know?

You go there to get some glamor--

Hey.

Michael?

Hey. (chuckles)

What are you doing here?

- Well, you know, just taking you up on your offer to party,

so, ta-da.

That is so awesome, man.

All right.

And you brought this guy.

Yeah.

Oh.

Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight.

I know it's you guys.

Okay.

I'm so psyched you're here.

Well...

Woo!

All right.

Let's get a drink.

Let's do it!

- [Jim] Thanks a lot, guys. Good job.

Later.

Nice job, everybody.

Great work.

- Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?

Nope.

I didn't.

But let's go inside and I can call him right now.

We can't.

I locked the office from the inside when we left.

Perfect.

You guys worked together on this one.

If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in one hour,

you're both dead.

- There is a master key and a spare key for the office.

Dwight has them both.

When I asked, "What if you die, Dwight,

"how will we get into the office?"

He said, "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

- Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine.

This is Troy.

Hey, nice to meet you.

How you doing?

Hey. Dwight.

You resemble a Tolkien character.

- Uh, he basically is, man, he's a regular banking wizard.

- No, no, no, not a wizard, a hobbit.

Bottle service, y'all?

Oh, okay.

All I know is I would like some chicken fingers

and a Midori Sour.

We don't serve food here.

Oh, okay.

Then just bring me two cups,

one with olives

and another one filled with maraschino cherries.

- Do you live in a regular-sized house?

- Yeah, he is a normal guy, he's cool.

- You really don't have his phone number?

- I told you, I have the number that rings here.

Do you want that number?

I might have it in here.

Oh, that's great, Toby.

It's so random that I had it.

Toby, you're the best.

- When I put it in, I thought it might be a waste of time,

but I guess it was worth it.

Great.

It's under here as security guard home,

did you not get his name or...

No.

It's ringing.

Does anybody have his name? Quick.

Yes, it's Eddie.

- It's not, it's not Eddie, it's, uh, it's Evan or--

Hank, his name is Hank.

- No, guys, his name's not Hank, it's, uh...

Is it Edgar?

- Elliot. - Elliot.

Is it...

Hey, chief, this is, uh, Jim Halpert,

from, um, where you work.

You are the guy who sits behind the desk,

you're, you're the, the African-American guy?

I mean, you're, uh...

Who, who have I got here?

(dance music)

- Dwight Schrute, man, how's Schrute Farms?

Good.

- This guy owns his own beet farm.

Insane.

- Well, it's weevil season, but we were prepared.

Weevils.

What a crazy word, man.

I don't even know what that means, what does that mean?

- They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root,

then come springtime, the babies eat their way out.

- Crazy. - Crazy.

That's too much for me, man.

I'm gonna hit the bathroom.

- You've already been several times.

Yeah.

- Maybe you have some kind of bladder infection.

I don't know, maybe.

- I'll order you some cranberry juice.

With vodka, you're the best.

Do you have powers?

Oh, thank you, Hank.

You are a lifesaver, Hank.

Appreciate it.

All right, so Hank is going to--

Hank,

that's not his name.

- Just got off the phone with him.

- Yeah, well, that's not his name.

He just said his name's Hank,

so I'm gonna go with what he said.

Okay, your funeral.

- Hank is going to come down here, he's gonna let us all out.

So, he said it should be just under an hour, so,

(murmuring)

we did it.

But I have to walk my cats.

- I'm sure they'll be okay for one night.

Stop taking his side.

We're not all sleeping with Jim.

- That's not a nice thing to say.

You know what's not nice?

Unexercised cats.

- You know what else is not nice?

Coming home and looking into your cats' eyes

and seeing nothing but disappointment.

That's a bit much, isn't it?

We should all make sure

to give him a big tip this Christmas.

Sorry, guys,

but I don't think I chipped in for last year's.

No, neither did I.

- Jim was supposed to collect it.

- Yep, I was supposed to collect Hank's tip this year.

Way to go, man.

Now he's never gonna come.

- I would've given him a lot too.

Wow.

You're, like, 0 for a million tonight, Tuna.

Well, bad news is, yeah,

I didn't, didn't collect the tip for Hank,

but, um, good news is, you guys didn't have to pay,

so, you saved money at Christmas,

which makes the holidays more fun.

Money does.

By a show of hands,

who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam?

Phyllis.

- (dance music) - I, um, thought about getting

a tattoo on my back as well, at one point.

I was thinking about getting Back to the Future.

Back because it's on my back,

and Future because I'm the kind of guy

who likes to look ahead into the future.

I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know?

And it's my second favorite movie.

- I've never heard of that movie.

Back to the Future?

Oh, wow.

Well, you should take a film-education course.

How old are you?

Forty...

I'm, I'm in my 40s.

Wow. (chuckles)

That's so cool.

Yeah.

- Well, I'm gonna go back to my group now.

Oh, okay.

Thanks for the drink.

You are welcome.

This place is like a, like a sexy preschool.

- Did you want a place where we can meet older women?

- I would love a place where we could meet older girls.

Hell yeah.

I'll hook it up.

(glass shatters)

Aye, wow, that's dangerous.

- I don't understand, which one is that?

That's The Other Boleyn Girl.

- Honestly, the book is so much better than this.

Shh.

We don't know.

They didn't give him his Christmas bonus this year, so...

Excuse me.

Yeah?

- How did you all find each other?

- Uh, we're the Jersey State varsity basketball team,

Northeast regional champs.

[All] Woo!

Amazons.

- It's off, it's not the dude I know,

it's some other loser who won't let us in without chicks.

- You're kidding? - No, let's bail.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, you two,

uh, Jersey State girls, let's go.

- We're not going unless we can all go.

- Okay, you know what, fine, let's go.

Two girls to a guy, come on.

Let's do it, come on, Ryan.

Move out.

Okay, three or four with him, let's go, come on.

Here we go.

Don't step on him.

- Hey, look what I found in the back.

Wanna play? I can teach you to throw.

- I know how to throw a football.

Of course you do.

Yeah, Pam, hit me up.

I'm going long!

Woo!

(Meredith screams)

[Kevin] Oh, my god.

(dance music)

- How many of you are living among us?

And how many are in the Shires,

can you tell me the population?

You can trust me.

Here you go.

Wait a minute, what is this?

I didn't order this.

For you,

from them.

[Dwight] Wow.

- [Troy] What are you doing, man?

It's not safe.

Anything could have been in there.

Nice try.

- I've never met anybody who does that, you wash dogs?

Very cool.

- That's one aspect of small-pet grooming.

What do you do?

I am a bank teller.

Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance.

Cool.

I think so.

- Yeah. - Yeah, I have fun.

- I'm just gonna use the powder room.

All right.

So I'll see you soon.

Very perfect.

Oh my.

This needs to be shared.

(phones vibrate and ring)

- Oh. - Oh.

(groaning)

She washes dogs.

You're doing it, man.

I know.

I don't wanna get ahead of myself,

but I think I want her to meet my mom.

- Hey, man, you ever think there's gonna be

this massive nuclear Holocaust,

and after all the major nations are destroyed,

it'll just be the tribes in the jungles

that rise up and survive,

that jungle warfare is gonna rule the world?

Yeah, maybe.

[Ryan] It's inevitable, right?

- Mm-hmm.

Please don't pick up,

please don't pick up, please don't pick up,

please don't pick up, please don't--

[Hank] Hello?

Hank, is that you?

[Hank] Yeah.

- Still haven't left the house yet, huh?

- [Hank] I'm getting ready to leave.

Good. Please hurry.

- [Hank] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks.

Will do.

I'll stop calling.

Was he still there?

Uh, that was his wife,

so, he's on his way.

Jim, how long?

I have to go to the bathroom?

- Well, he'll be here really soon, Kev.

- If you hadn't made us stay, we'd all be home by now.

- Somebody's always got to be a hero.

I'm so cold, I'm gonna faint.

If I faint, it's totally your fault, Jim.

- Let's be honest, it's not totally my fault.

Shared responsibility.

Hmm?

- Oh, I just mean if you, if you didn't lock the door,

then we could be upstairs where it's warmer.

- I'm supposed to turn the lock when I leave,

it's part of my job.

Is that...

I didn't know that was your...

Okay, so we're in agreement, this is not an ideal situation.

(dance music)

I am, I am getting out there.

Well, no, I've asked a lot of girls to dance, Mom,

they're just, it's not...

What are you doing?

- Yes, I shaved the back of my neck.

Oh, my God, Mom, I gotta go,

one of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls.

- We could burn the chains with vinegar.

It's corrosive to metals, I saw it on a TV show once.

You can literally burn metal with vinegar.

Do you have vinegar on you?

Mm,

I don't.

Actually, it's kind of too bad

we're not coming into work tomorrow.

Why?

- I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned,

like Scrambled Eggs Saturday.

More like,

"Hey, everyone, let's get your boss laid" Saturday.

(laughter)

I have an announcement, uh, to make.

I am moving to Costa Rica.

I've thought about it for a long time now,

and I'm finally gonna do it.

So, I'm just gonna hop the fence and jog home now.

- Those girls really wailed on you bad.

- Why wouldn't they let me dance?

Well...

Okay, I gotta go.

Do not take him to a hospital.

Hey, don't blame me for what Ryan does.

I'm not his dad, I'm his friend, okay?

And friends are there to help you have a good time

and sell you the stuff you need to have a good time.

Pretty weird.

- Don't go, do you have to go with them?

I do, I have to go.

Stay.

- I have to go, good luck against Con College, all right?

Call me.

- Uh-huh.

I'm not gonna call her.

Let's go.

I don't wanna go back in.

I know, here we go.

You're gonna be okay.

Oh, man, here it goes.

(Michael groans)

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry, sir.

That'll, that'll come out of the upholstery.

Oh, man.

- He threw up in the back of the taxi.

It's dehydration.

It's dehydration.

He went to the bathroom at the club, like, 15 times.

- All right, shh, Dwight, leave him alone.

- You all right? - You okay?

- You feel better? - You okay?

That's good for you to do.

- [Dwight] Yeah, you feel better afterwards, right?

Just let it out.

- [Dwight] You just, like, purge.

- Sometimes you have to pull the trigger, I say.

Binge and purge.

- Couple days a week, I, I make myself,

because of a big meal, or I'm feeling fat, I just do it.

- I have to do it to sick livestock sometimes,

trigger the gag reflex.

- He does it to me. - Guys, stop talking,

- stop talking about this. - He makes me throw up.

- Please stop talking about this,

please stop talking about this.

Do you ever worry that you're gonna end up

like one of those homeless guys that teenagers set on fire?

- Nah, all my clothes are flame-retardant.

(Michael winces)

- Ryan, we would never let that happen to you.

You had a rough night tonight,

but your life is very good, my friend.

You've got a great job,

you, you could have any woman you want,

you're good-looking, you know.

Friends with a hobbit.

Fr...

Yes.

You're friends with a hobbit,

and look where you live.

I mean, you got it all.

New York is great.

- No, I mean this apartment building, it's fantastic.

- Oh, this, this is not my apartment.

This is the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

- Well, now I can say that I went to a museum.

Cleaning people.

Oscar.

Okay, so all you need to do

is explain to them what happened,

'cause I think they can help us.

- Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish?

- I, just, if they speak Spanish.

Good evening.

We locked ourselves in.

(Oscar speaks in foreign language)

Okay?

They happen to speak Spanish.

Lucky us.

- This is a one-time thing, you know that, right?

Wow.

- This is it. - All right.

- This is where the magic happens.

Nice.

Very nice.

One of you can have the sofa,

and one of you can have the floor.

- I got the sofa. - [Dwight] I got sofa.

Dwight, I've got the sofa,

- I'm the boss. - I got floor.

- In case anybody needs to go to the bathroom

in the middle of the night,

I don't wanna get my head stepped on.

- Do you want me to sing you a song

my mother used to sing me when we were sick?

No.

(Dwight sings lullaby in foreign language)

Okay, Dwight.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Dwight, shh.

Leave him alone.

It's a lullaby.

Shh.

Ryan, Ryan, we're gonna take your clothes off.

No.

Guys, I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem.

What do I do?

- I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.

Shh, just stop.

Here's what you do.

You tell him that you're his friend,

and that you're going to help him,

and that everything's gonna be all right.

And then you put a wire on him,

and you find out who's selling him drugs,

and then you get that guy and you flip him,

you turn him into a snitch.

You follow that guy

to the people who are really, really bad.

Been watching The Wire recently,

I don't understand a word of it, but it is amazing.

- Incredible. - Yes.

(Michael sighs)

Ryan, before you go to sleep,

do you have any orange juice with pulp?

No.

- Do you have any contact-lens solution for my eyes?

[Ryan] No.

- You got a T-shirt?

'Cause I usually sleep in the nude.

- Loads and loads of them, bottom drawer.

There's shorts too, and pants,

and it's really cold in here,

so promise me you'll bundle up, all right?

I'm so tired. (yawns)

Guys, I'm going to sleep.

You can leave the light on if you want,

but please stop talking, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

Good night, Ryan.

Good night, Ryan.

Best night ever.

Like I said,

it's not about the horniness, it's about the loneliness,

and how can I be lonely with my boys?

Like a famous person once said, boys on the side,

but I don't, I disagree, I say let's hear it for the boys.

Son of a bitch.

- Ryan? - Yeah?

Do you ever miss us?

(sighs) Not really.

New York is so great.

Ryan?

Yes?

- Do you remember what color my eyes are?

Hazel, they're hazel.

Dwight, I asked him.

- No, I was gonna say hazel, yeah.

- Really? Not just because he said it?

No.

Ryan?

- You're my friend, Michael, okay?

(Michael sighs)

(upbeat music)