All language subtitles for The.Office.US.S04E15.EXTENDED.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

- Uh-huh.

Nice.

(Pam chuckles)

What's wrong, Michael?

I got gum in my hair.

You do.

This just stinks.

Don't touch it.

Please, don't touch it.

You've got a ton of dandruff.

Okay, let me be.

- How'd you get gum in your
hair?

I was walking in

and I noticed something
shiny under Stanley's car,

and I got under to see what it
was,

and I messed up my hair,

all for a stupid piece of tin
foil.

- But, best-case scenario,
you thought it was a quarter.

Kill me, right now.

Let me get in there, boss.

Keep that man away from me.

- We have peanut butter in the
kitchen.

(Dwight claps)

- I don't feel like peanut
butter.

Get me an ice-cream sandwich.

Nope, not for you.

It's for your hair, and it is
9:00 AM.

- No, Dwight, not the good
peanut butter,

people are gonna get mad.

- Hey, hey, hey, this is my
hair we're talking about.

It smells good.

Tastes good too.

Oh, don't, that's disgusting.

Wow, lotta calories.

- Well, just don't leave it on
too long.

Keep massaging please.

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

(Michael moans)

(upbeat theme music)

- Hey, Michael, how was
your date last night?

(Michael groans)

- I will be honest, the dating
has not been going well.

Look, men are visual creatures.

We crave beauty,

like a piece of fine art by

any number of renowned artists,

or an arty photograph
of Cindy Crawford nude,

that, but the women I'm getting
fixed up with are...

Not that they aren't nice

or that have great
personalities,

they just,

they just lack a certain
Crawfordness.

I am livid, absolutely livid.

It's ridiculous.

- Man, are you still talking
about how I drank your kefir?

I said that I was sorry.

No. Ryan just sent an email.

- Yes, I'm having the Scranton
branch come in on one Saturday

so they can reenter sales
that they made on the phone

as sales made by the website,

which they shoulda done
in the first place,

if the website had been working.

[Pam] So it's definite?

Looks like it.

Shoot.

Jim and I were gonna go to the

Cherry Blossom Festival this
weekend.

I'm sorry,

your voice over my head like
that...

Sorry.

- How successful is
Dunder Mifflin Infinity?

Well, tomorrow, Saturday
morning,

we all have to come in and
reenter sales we already made

in order to pretend
that the website did it.

So, how successful does that
sound?

- Oh, I have to work on one
Saturday,

I'm so distressed.

You know what?

My Wall Street buddies, they
work a hundred hours a week.

God, those guys are rich.

My favorite branch.

How's everybody doing?

Hey, Ryan.

- Wow, so refreshing to
hear my name like that.

In New York, all the
receptionists

call me Mr. Howard. It's so
weird.

- Do you want me to start
calling you Mr. Howard?

- No, no, we go way back,
you keep calling me Ryan.

Okay, I will.

All right.

- I presume you're here because
of the website problems?

Stanley, give it up.

Yeah, we still do it old school,
right?

Even though I'm your boss's
boss's boss.

[Michael] Hey, Ryan.

Michael.

If you're wondering at all

why I'm not giving you
a more excited welcome,

I have been depressed.

It's okay.

You wanna know why?

If it's private, it's private.

I can't not hug you.

Can't do it, come here.

Come here.

(Michael moans)

What is that? Linen?

It feels nice on my face.

- Do-do-do-do-do-
do-do-do-do-do.

The bossman cometh.

Andy.

- By the way, I am not mad at
you,

unlike some other people in this
office.

My favorite branch!

I don't like my job very much,

but I really don't like
doing my job twice,

and Ryan's Dunder Mifflin
Infinity

is giving me the opportunity to
do that.

So, thanks, Ryan.

Hey man, do you mind if
I run something by you?

Love it. Go.

- Well, I kind of feel like
what we have going for us

is our customer service.

And no matter how much we change
this up,

I don't know that a website's
gonna be able to replace that.

- I can tell you've
thought about this a lot,

I appreciate that.

Thanks.

David Wallace does too.

You told him all about this
at the Christmas party, right?

- Did I? Um--

You did. Yeah.

Hmm.

Watch your back, Jim.

I'm just kidding.

Hey, uh, no big introduction.

No, no, not big, elegant.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I
have your attention, please?

I know that a lot of you
are very angry with Ryan

because he is the reason we
all have to come in tomorrow,

however, I swear to God,

if any of you hurts him in any
way,

emotionally, or taunts him,

or makes fun of his
height or his half beard--

Okay.

- He...
- Thanks, Michael.

Yeah.

- I'm here today to do some
creative problem-solving

about Dunder Mifflin Infinity
and field your questions.

Question.

Dwight?

- Why am I being forced
to come in tomorrow

and pretend that a website
made sales that I made?

This is a temporary measure

to increase the legitimacy of
the site.

- I don't like when my clients
call me

to help them use a website,

I'm not seeing commissions on
that.

I hear you, Stanley,

that is a great observation.

- Problems like that will not
happen

when we launch Dunder
Mifflin Infinity 2.0.

When will that be?

TBD. Phyllis?

- Did the police solve
the problem with the--

- Yes, yes, they did. Yes, they
did.

Yes, the social-networking
feature

of the Dunder Mifflin Infinity
website

was infiltrated by sexual
predators.

- I don't understand why our
website

needs to have social networking
at all.

- Yeah, I'd have to agree
with Dwight on that one.

- It's all about creating a
one-stop consumer experience.

All right, you're chatting
with your friends,

you're talking about the latest
music, about the election.

All of it is happening in
our virtual paper store.

- And then an older gentleman
asks you, "Boxers or briefs?"

- I don't get the big fuss
here, I like the site.

- If I had created a website
with this many problems,

I'd kill myself.

Do you have a question, Kelly?

- Yeah, I have a lot of
questions.

Number one, how dare you?

- Mm-hmm. Oscar?

- What about the
credit-card-encryption problem?

As a matter of fact,

we were alerted to that
problem quite quickly,

by one of the quote,
unquote sexual predators

that you guys were just
complaining about, so...

That problem, as well,

will be fixed when the new
version drops.

TBD?

Yes.

(Michael claps)

Ryan has done a very good job.

And I am not applauding
sarcastically.

Think about it, a month ago,

nobody would go on this site

because we were worried
about getting molested,

or losing our identity, having
it stolen.

But now, at a time TDB,

all of these problems will be in
the past.

You done good, kid. You done
good.

(Michael and Dwight clap)

Well, it has been nice
seeing you again, my friend.

You too.

- Oh, Ryan, I need a girlfriend
so bad.

Michael, let me go.

Let me go, Michael.
(Michael grunts)

All right.

Do you know any girls in New
York

you might wanna hook me up with,

that might be interested in a
guy like me?

- No.
- Nah.

Sorry, man.

Ah, well, you tried.

But seriously,

you should see the girls I
meet at clubs in the city.

Yeah.

Unreal.

They sound great.

Bye, everyone.

Stay real, Scranton, all right?

(Stanley groans)

Peace.

- Would you have sex with
Meredith?

What?

- Do you think she'd keep it
quiet?

- I can't believe you're asking
me that.

She'd talk.

Might not be that bad though.

She seems very eager.

I'm going to go to my desk.

- Jim, it's not the horniness,
okay?

It's the loneliness, that's...

I know.

Let's go to New York.

We'll go clubbing with Ryan.

- I can't.
- Yes, you can.

You're single, I'm
single, it'll be awesome.

I'm not single.

Who are you dating?

Pam.

That's still going on?

(Michael sighs)

Okay, Dwight, grab your stuff.

We're going to New York to party
with Ryan

and to meet girls.

Yeah!

Oh, yes. Count me in, dudes.

I am in serious need of some bro
time.

Old ball and chain's been a lot
more chain than ball lately,

if you know what I'm saying.

I'm right here.

No, singles only.

Singles only, also, three is
unlucky.

Curse of three.

- Sorry, Andy, cannot take
any chances on curses,

not tonight. Let's go.

Everybody, I will see you
tomorrow, Saturday morning,

probably wearing the same
clothes

that I am wearing right now,

if you catch my drift.

We get it.

I am going to go get laid.

Goodbye.

(Dwight chuckles)

With sex.

- [Michael] That's, I meant
that.

Bye, Angela.

You know what?

If we all stayed a couple
of hours late tonight,

without Michael distracting us,

we wouldn't have to
come in at all tomorrow.

- Sausage sandwiches at the
Cherry Blossom Festival?

- How do you even know
they're gonna have those?

Did you go online?

Hmm?

Is that where we're going?

I'll be right back.

Angela, Angela--

Oh!

(scoffs) I thought you were a
mugger.

A mugger that knows your name?

- Most muggings happen
between acquaintances.

- So I caught everyone before
they left,

and I told them my idea.

And they loved it,

because this is a group
that respects good ideas.

The one time a year they hear
one.

Ryan's assistant told us

that he would be at
this club this evening.

It is called Prerogative.

(dance music)

The place is packed.

Fire hazard.

Packed with beautiful babies.

Swingers, classic.

Jon Favreau, the tall guy from
Dodgeball.

Women look like white slaves.

- [Michael] No, they
are just hot, hotties.

I don't know, man.

I mean, when you think about it,

Cabo's really the third world.

I don't go to a place like that

to see more poverty, you know?

You go there to get some
glamor--

Hey.

Michael?

Hey. (chuckles)

What are you doing here?

- Well, you know, just taking
you up on your offer to party,

so, ta-da.

That is so awesome, man.

All right.

And you brought this guy.

Yeah.

Oh.

Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight.

I know it's you guys.

Okay.

I'm so psyched you're here.

Well...

Woo!

All right.

Let's get a drink.

Let's do it!

- [Jim] Thanks a lot, guys. Good
job.

Later.

Nice job, everybody.

Great work.

- Did you not tell the security
guard we were working late?

Nope.

I didn't.

But let's go inside and
I can call him right now.

We can't.

I locked the office from
the inside when we left.

Perfect.

You guys worked together on this
one.

If I'm not in my bath with a
glass of red wine in one hour,

you're both dead.

- There is a master key and
a spare key for the office.

Dwight has them both.

When I asked, "What if you die,
Dwight,

"how will we get into the
office?"

He said, "If I'm dead, you
guys have been dead for weeks."

- Guys, I want you to meet a
really good friend of mine.

This is Troy.

Hey, nice to meet you.

How you doing?

Hey. Dwight.

You resemble a Tolkien
character.

- Uh, he basically is, man,
he's a regular banking wizard.

- No, no, no, not a wizard, a
hobbit.

Bottle service, y'all?

Oh, okay.

All I know is I would
like some chicken fingers

and a Midori Sour.

We don't serve food here.

Oh, okay.

Then just bring me two cups,

one with olives

and another one filled
with maraschino cherries.

- Do you live in a regular-sized
house?

- Yeah, he is a normal guy, he's
cool.

- You really don't have his
phone number?

- I told you, I have the
number that rings here.

Do you want that number?

I might have it in here.

Oh, that's great, Toby.

It's so random that I had it.

Toby, you're the best.

- When I put it in, I thought
it might be a waste of time,

but I guess it was worth it.

Great.

It's under here as security
guard home,

did you not get his name or...

No.

It's ringing.

Does anybody have his name?
Quick.

Yes, it's Eddie.

- It's not, it's not Eddie,
it's, uh, it's Evan or--

Hank, his name is Hank.

- No, guys, his name's
not Hank, it's, uh...

Is it Edgar?

- Elliot.
- Elliot.

Is it...

Hey, chief, this is, uh, Jim
Halpert,

from, um, where you work.

You are the guy who sits behind
the desk,

you're, you're the, the
African-American guy?

I mean, you're, uh...

Who, who have I got here?

(dance music)

- Dwight Schrute, man,
how's Schrute Farms?

Good.

- This guy owns his own beet
farm.

Insane.

- Well, it's weevil season,
but we were prepared.

Weevils.

What a crazy word, man.

I don't even know what that
means, what does that mean?

- They lay their eggs
inside the unripe beet root,

then come springtime, the
babies eat their way out.

- Crazy.
- Crazy.

That's too much for me, man.

I'm gonna hit the bathroom.

- You've already been several
times.

Yeah.

- Maybe you have some
kind of bladder infection.

I don't know, maybe.

- I'll order you some cranberry
juice.

With vodka, you're the best.

Do you have powers?

Oh, thank you, Hank.

You are a lifesaver, Hank.

Appreciate it.

All right, so Hank is going to--

Hank,

that's not his name.

- Just got off the phone with
him.

- Yeah, well, that's not his
name.

He just said his name's Hank,

so I'm gonna go with what he
said.

Okay, your funeral.

- Hank is going to come down
here, he's gonna let us all out.

So, he said it should be
just under an hour, so,

(murmuring)

we did it.

But I have to walk my cats.

- I'm sure they'll be okay for
one night.

Stop taking his side.

We're not all sleeping with Jim.

- That's not a nice thing to
say.

You know what's not nice?

Unexercised cats.

- You know what else is not
nice?

Coming home and looking
into your cats' eyes

and seeing nothing but
disappointment.

That's a bit much, isn't it?

We should all make sure

to give him a big tip this
Christmas.

Sorry, guys,

but I don't think I
chipped in for last year's.

No, neither did I.

- Jim was supposed to collect
it.

- Yep, I was supposed to
collect Hank's tip this year.

Way to go, man.

Now he's never gonna come.

- I would've given him a lot
too.

Wow.

You're, like, 0 for a
million tonight, Tuna.

Well, bad news is, yeah,

I didn't, didn't collect the tip
for Hank,

but, um, good news is, you
guys didn't have to pay,

so, you saved money at
Christmas,

which makes the holidays more
fun.

Money does.

By a show of hands,

who thinks we're a better
couple than Jim and Pam?

Phyllis.

- (dance music)
- I, um, thought about getting

a tattoo on my back as well, at
one point.

I was thinking about
getting Back to the Future.

Back because it's on my back,

and Future because I'm the kind
of guy

who likes to look ahead into the
future.

I just think a tattoo should
mean something, you know?

And it's my second favorite
movie.

- I've never heard of that
movie.

Back to the Future?

Oh, wow.

Well, you should take a
film-education course.

How old are you?

Forty...

I'm, I'm in my 40s.

Wow. (chuckles)

That's so cool.

Yeah.

- Well, I'm gonna go back to my
group now.

Oh, okay.

Thanks for the drink.

You are welcome.

This place is like a,
like a sexy preschool.

- Did you want a place where
we can meet older women?

- I would love a place where
we could meet older girls.

Hell yeah.

I'll hook it up.

(glass shatters)

Aye, wow, that's dangerous.

- I don't understand, which one
is that?

That's The Other Boleyn Girl.

- Honestly, the book is
so much better than this.

Shh.

We don't know.

They didn't give him his
Christmas bonus this year, so...

Excuse me.

Yeah?

- How did you all find each
other?

- Uh, we're the Jersey State
varsity basketball team,

Northeast regional champs.

[All] Woo!

Amazons.

- It's off, it's not the dude I
know,

it's some other loser who
won't let us in without chicks.

- You're kidding?
- No, let's bail.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, you two,

uh, Jersey State girls, let's
go.

- We're not going unless we can
all go.

- Okay, you know what, fine,
let's go.

Two girls to a guy, come on.

Let's do it, come on, Ryan.

Move out.

Okay, three or four with
him, let's go, come on.

Here we go.

Don't step on him.

- Hey, look what I found in the
back.

Wanna play? I can teach you to
throw.

- I know how to throw a
football.

Of course you do.

Yeah, Pam, hit me up.

I'm going long!

Woo!

(Meredith screams)

[Kevin] Oh, my god.

(dance music)

- How many of you are living
among us?

And how many are in the Shires,

can you tell me the population?

You can trust me.

Here you go.

Wait a minute, what is this?

I didn't order this.

For you,

from them.

[Dwight] Wow.

- [Troy] What are you doing,
man?

It's not safe.

Anything could have been in
there.

Nice try.

- I've never met anybody who
does that, you wash dogs?

Very cool.

- That's one aspect of small-pet
grooming.

What do you do?

I am a bank teller.

Ryan told me to always tell
women you work in finance.

Cool.

I think so.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I have fun.

- I'm just gonna use the powder
room.

All right.

So I'll see you soon.

Very perfect.

Oh my.

This needs to be shared.

(phones vibrate and ring)

- Oh.
- Oh.

(groaning)

She washes dogs.

You're doing it, man.

I know.

I don't wanna get ahead of
myself,

but I think I want her to meet
my mom.

- Hey, man, you ever
think there's gonna be

this massive nuclear Holocaust,

and after all the major
nations are destroyed,

it'll just be the tribes in the
jungles

that rise up and survive,

that jungle warfare is
gonna rule the world?

Yeah, maybe.

[Ryan] It's inevitable, right?

- Mm-hmm.

Please don't pick up,

please don't pick up,
please don't pick up,

please don't pick up, please
don't--

[Hank] Hello?

Hank, is that you?

[Hank] Yeah.

- Still haven't left the house
yet, huh?

- [Hank] I'm getting ready to
leave.

Good. Please hurry.

- [Hank] Stop calling me so
I can put on my damn socks.

Will do.

I'll stop calling.

Was he still there?

Uh, that was his wife,

so, he's on his way.

Jim, how long?

I have to go to the bathroom?

- Well, he'll be here really
soon, Kev.

- If you hadn't made us stay,
we'd all be home by now.

- Somebody's always got to be a
hero.

I'm so cold, I'm gonna faint.

If I faint, it's totally your
fault, Jim.

- Let's be honest, it's
not totally my fault.

Shared responsibility.

Hmm?

- Oh, I just mean if you,
if you didn't lock the door,

then we could be upstairs
where it's warmer.

- I'm supposed to turn
the lock when I leave,

it's part of my job.

Is that...

I didn't know that was your...

Okay, so we're in agreement,
this is not an ideal situation.

(dance music)

I am, I am getting out there.

Well, no, I've asked a lot
of girls to dance, Mom,

they're just, it's not...

What are you doing?

- Yes, I shaved the back of my
neck.

Oh, my God, Mom, I gotta go,

one of my friends is getting
beaten up by some girls.

- We could burn the chains with
vinegar.

It's corrosive to metals,
I saw it on a TV show once.

You can literally burn metal
with vinegar.

Do you have vinegar on you?

Mm,

I don't.

Actually, it's kind of too bad

we're not coming into work
tomorrow.

Why?

- I bet Michael had some
elaborate theme party planned,

like Scrambled Eggs Saturday.

More like,

"Hey, everyone, let's get
your boss laid" Saturday.

(laughter)

I have an announcement, uh, to
make.

I am moving to Costa Rica.

I've thought about it for a long
time now,

and I'm finally gonna do it.

So, I'm just gonna hop the
fence and jog home now.

- Those girls really wailed on
you bad.

- Why wouldn't they let me
dance?

Well...

Okay, I gotta go.

Do not take him to a hospital.

Hey, don't blame me for what
Ryan does.

I'm not his dad, I'm his friend,
okay?

And friends are there to
help you have a good time

and sell you the stuff you
need to have a good time.

Pretty weird.

- Don't go, do you have to go
with them?

I do, I have to go.

Stay.

- I have to go, good luck
against Con College, all right?

Call me.

- Uh-huh.

I'm not gonna call her.

Let's go.

I don't wanna go back in.

I know, here we go.

You're gonna be okay.

Oh, man, here it goes.

(Michael groans)

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry, sir.

That'll, that'll come
out of the upholstery.

Oh, man.

- He threw up in the back of the
taxi.

It's dehydration.

It's dehydration.

He went to the bathroom at
the club, like, 15 times.

- All right, shh, Dwight, leave
him alone.

- You all right?
- You okay?

- You feel better?
- You okay?

That's good for you to do.

- [Dwight] Yeah, you feel
better afterwards, right?

Just let it out.

- [Dwight] You just, like,
purge.

- Sometimes you have to
pull the trigger, I say.

Binge and purge.

- Couple days a week, I, I make
myself,

because of a big meal, or I'm
feeling fat, I just do it.

- I have to do it to
sick livestock sometimes,

trigger the gag reflex.

- He does it to me.
- Guys, stop talking,

- stop talking about this.
- He makes me throw up.

- Please stop talking about
this,

please stop talking about this.

Do you ever worry that you're
gonna end up

like one of those homeless guys
that teenagers set on fire?

- Nah, all my clothes are
flame-retardant.

(Michael winces)

- Ryan, we would never
let that happen to you.

You had a rough night tonight,

but your life is very good, my
friend.

You've got a great job,

you, you could have any woman
you want,

you're good-looking, you know.

Friends with a hobbit.

Fr...

Yes.

You're friends with a hobbit,

and look where you live.

I mean, you got it all.

New York is great.

- No, I mean this apartment
building, it's fantastic.

- Oh, this, this is not my
apartment.

This is the Metropolitan Museum
of Art.

- Well, now I can say
that I went to a museum.

Cleaning people.

Oscar.

Okay, so all you need to do

is explain to them what
happened,

'cause I think they can help us.

- Why are you assuming
they only speak Spanish?

- I, just, if they speak
Spanish.

Good evening.

We locked ourselves in.

(Oscar speaks in foreign
language)

Okay?

They happen to speak Spanish.

Lucky us.

- This is a one-time thing,
you know that, right?

Wow.

- This is it.
- All right.

- This is where the magic
happens.

Nice.

Very nice.

One of you can have the sofa,

and one of you can have the
floor.

- I got the sofa.
- [Dwight] I got sofa.

Dwight, I've got the sofa,

- I'm the boss.
- I got floor.

- In case anybody needs
to go to the bathroom

in the middle of the night,

I don't wanna get my head
stepped on.

- Do you want me to sing you a
song

my mother used to sing
me when we were sick?

No.

(Dwight sings lullaby in foreign
language)

Okay, Dwight.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Dwight, shh.

Leave him alone.

It's a lullaby.

Shh.

Ryan, Ryan, we're gonna
take your clothes off.

No.

Guys, I think my friend Troy
might have a drug problem.

What do I do?

- I think his species might have
a higher tolerance than ours.

Shh, just stop.

Here's what you do.

You tell him that you're his
friend,

and that you're going to help
him,

and that everything's gonna be
all right.

And then you put a wire on him,

and you find out who's selling
him drugs,

and then you get that
guy and you flip him,

you turn him into a snitch.

You follow that guy

to the people who are really,
really bad.

Been watching The Wire recently,

I don't understand a word
of it, but it is amazing.

- Incredible.
- Yes.

(Michael sighs)

Ryan, before you go to sleep,

do you have any orange juice
with pulp?

No.

- Do you have any contact-lens
solution for my eyes?

[Ryan] No.

- You got a T-shirt?

'Cause I usually sleep in the
nude.

- Loads and loads of them,
bottom drawer.

There's shorts too, and pants,

and it's really cold in here,

so promise me you'll bundle up,
all right?

I'm so tired. (yawns)

Guys, I'm going to sleep.

You can leave the light on if
you want,

but please stop talking, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Good night, Ryan.

Good night, Ryan.

Best night ever.

Like I said,

it's not about the horniness,
it's about the loneliness,

and how can I be lonely with my
boys?

Like a famous person once
said, boys on the side,

but I don't, I disagree, I say
let's hear it for the boys.

Son of a bitch.

- Ryan?
- Yeah?

Do you ever miss us?

(sighs) Not really.

New York is so great.

Ryan?

Yes?

- Do you remember what color my
eyes are?

Hazel, they're hazel.

Dwight, I asked him.

- No, I was gonna say hazel,
yeah.

- Really? Not just because he
said it?

No.

Ryan?

- You're my friend, Michael,
okay?

(Michael sighs)

(upbeat music)