Original subtitles

This is ridiculous.

Do you have any idea what time we'll get out of here?

- I don't know, Phyllis. I'm upset about it, too.

I had tickets to see Tom Petty.

Yeah, well Friday nights are the nights

that I pick out my outfits for Saturday nights.

Well, I had to give the tickets to my ex-wife

and her boyfriend.

Took a big loss. Not that anybody cares.

- There's a perception out there that working in the paper

industry is glamorous.

But here's what the media doesn't show you.

Sometimes we have to stay late on a Friday night.

Did I just blow your mind?

This sucks.

Nobody likes to work late.

Least of all me.

You have plans tonight?

- Nope, I don't. Remember when you told us

not to make plans because we were working?

Yes, I remember.

Mm, this is B.S. This is B.S. Why are we here?

I am going to call corporate.

Enough is enough.

I'm... God, I'm so mad!

This is Michael Scott, Scranton.

Well, we don't want to work.

No, we don't!

It's not fair to these people!

These people are my friends and I care about them!

We're not going to do it.

Everybody, I just got off the horn with corporate,

and basically I told them where they could

stick their little overtime assignment.

Where's that?

- Where the sun don't shine, Jim!

(Meredith laughs)

But we just ordered pizza.

So they just canceled it?

Yeah.

Did they say why?

- No. You never know with these clowns so...

So do we pick it up on Monday?

- You know what that's, that doesn't even matter.

Don't even worry about it. This is my gift to you.

Okay? Go enjoy your Friday.

Thank you, Michael.

Alright.

(clapping)

- Happy Friday. Well, I think we dodged a bullet there.

I think you did.

- I think we should celebrate. How about you, Pam,

mi casa, little dinner, dancing, drinks?

- I-

- You said you didn't have plans.

That's what you said.

- Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner

at least nine times.

And every time, we've been able to get out of it.

But I got to give him credit.

He got me.

Because I'm starting to suspect that there was

no assignment from Corporate.

Michael.

[Michael] Hm?

- What time should I be arriving?

Dwight, it's couples only.

And besides I only have six wine glasses.

So it will be me and Jan and Pam and Jim.

And Angela and Andy.

(Andy shouts)

- Michael, it is really hard when you mess with

the schedule like that. I had tickets to see Tom Petty.

- Hmm. Well I'm sure the Heartbreakers will be heartbroken.

No one even heard me.

- Does it bother me that I wasn't invited

to Michael's dinner party?

(Dwight breathing heavily)

(Dwight cries)

(upbeat rock music)

- We can turn back. It's not too late.

We eat and we're out.

We have to wake up early tomorrow.

Yes, because it is Saturday.

[Jan] Hi!

[Michael] Hello!

[Jan] How are you?

[Michael] Come on in.

Good to see you.

[Jan] Chilly, huh?

I'm so glad we finally got to do this with you guys.

This is great.

- You want to, you want to take their coats, babe?

Yes, I would.

Okay.

Alright, thank you.

So, what have you been doing?

- Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago?

Yeah.

- I have been getting ready and then driving over here so-

- Well, we've been doing pretty much the same thing.

Really?

Except driving.

(Group laughs) - We got you this.

- Oh Pam, thank you! - Oh, Pinot. Thanks.

- This will be great to cook with.

Really?

- Well have a seat or come on in or I don't know,

make yourself to home. This is our casa.

[Pam] Really nice.

So what do you guys think?

Should we do the tour first?

Should we have appetizers first?

Tour. Let's do the tour first.

Okay.

- You have a preference, babe? Upstairs first?

Totally your call, babe.

- Alright, well, let's go then. Let's sneak upstairs.

Oh.

- Oh, you guys doing a little construction?

- Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door.

- Yeah. So sorry about this God-awful carpet.

We are still a work in progress here.

- Well, that's-

- [Pam] Do you like living in Scranton, Jan?

- Well, you know, it's, it's an adjustment.

It's certainly not the Upper West Side.

- You really haven't given it a chance, though.

She's never been to the Anthracite Museum.

She hasn't had a hot dog at the new hot dog place.

- Oh well, babe, I'm pacing myself.

- [Michael] So-

[Jan] (laughs) Follow me.

- This is pictures of Jan wearing different masks.

Call that Mask Wall.

Jan and I are like one of the all-time great

romantic comedy couples.

Like "When Harry Met Sally".

I'm Harry and she is Sally.

Like "Annie Hall".

I am Woody Allen.

And she is Diane Keaton's character in "Annie Hall".

This is my office.

Yep, never been used.

Not super exciting.

No.

This is my workspace.

- This is it. Check that out. You smell that?

As you can smell, there's a lot of different odors

going on in here.

- So you have an office and a workspace?

- I do. You know, I just, I cannot create

in the same space that I conduct business.

I'm sure that you're the same with your doodles. Smell.

It's fire.

- Uh-huh, Bond-fire.

- Bond-

- Men love this one, yeah. - James Bond-fire.

I'm Bond-fire, James Bond-fire.

Michael Scott!

- When I get frustrated or irritated or angry,

I come up here and I just smell all my candles.

And it just, "Poof!" goes away.

Just like that.

[Jan] Just like that.

- It's been a rough couple of weeks.

- Well. I just got into a little trouble

with the neighbors.

- (laughs) A little trouble. Yes.

Well, Jan fell asleep during her neighborhood watch shift.

- Wow, you do neighborhood watch?

[Michael] Yes.

- I did. And I had a very late shift

and I had a little bit of wine and I fell asleep.

- So she passed out and some kids spray paint

a swear word on the neighbors' dog

and the neighbors blamed Jan.

- Yeah. But you know, it was my fault.

It's like, you know,

the dog shouldn't have been outside in the first place.

Anyway. It's a tragedy, really,

because the paint is not going to come off the dog until it

sheds, so-

- Mm-hm, yeah.

- These are going to be party favors later.

Get them as you go out.

(Jim coughs)

When we're done,

- Oh we'll have a whole box of them.

Close that so we don't have to smell it.

- So this is the master bedroom and these walls,

they used to be like white, like an asylum.

So I wanted it to be softer.

So I had it painted an eggshell white.

- Guess what? White and eggshell white are exactly

the same color.

- (laughs) Exactly. - Babe.

I thought you said you you were going to tidy things up.

- Well, I-

Shame on you. (laughs)

What a cute bench.

- [Michael] Thanks. That's my bed.

Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy.

- Really? Because it seems pretty narrow.

And short.

- It's actually a lot bigger than it seems.

Look at this (grunts).

- See? He fits perfectly. (laughs)

- I finally broke down and bought myself

a plasma TV.

Check it out.

I actually hung this on the wall myself.

That's good.

I want to show you something.

A lot of people in the room, you need more space?

Voila. Right into the wall.

Wow.

- Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for

hours. I love it.

I love this TV.

Oh! And I also built this table.

What is that? Chestnut?

- No, I think that is either pine or Nordic Cherry.

It's pine. Yeah.

- Michael, I'm just terrible at all this stuff.

So it's really cool.

Really?

[Jim] Yeah.

- Yeah, he tried to set up my TiVo for me,

but then I didn't have audio for a week.

(Jane laughs)

If you ever need any help,

I am just a phone call away.

I bet you are.

- Well, I saw-

Oh! Your Dundies.

I'm surprised they're not out on the coffee table

for everybody to see.

- Well, it was between the neon beer sign

and the Dundies. So I said, "Honey, keep the trophies."

- Oh. Honey, I have the best trophy right here.

Aww.

Aside from my Dundies.

[Jan] Oh. (laughs)

(doorbell rings)

- Uh-oh. - I'll get it.

- Oh, excuse us for just a second.

- So glad we were finally able to do this.

So glad.

No. No.

- We- okay.

Tuna! What's up tuna?

We going to have some tuna for dinner? (laughs)

I bet you're sick of tuna. Right?

Probably have tuna every night.

Alright.

Tuna.

These are for you.

Oh, how thoughtful.

Very nice.

- Except for one flower, which is for my flower.

[Jan] Aww.

- What am I supposed to do with this?

(Jan laughs)

- [Michael] Oh, let me take this.

- Well, how about we do the short tour

and then I'll start dinner?

- Oh, I can help starting dinner if you need it.

Oh no, no, no.

Just the osso buco needs to braise for about three hours.

Everything else is done.

- Three hours from now or three hours

from earlier, like four o'clock?

- You know, Pam, in Spain, they often don't

even start eating until midnight.

When in Rome.

- [Jan] You have a preference? Upstairs first?

- [Michael] Whatever you say, babe.

[Jan] follow me.

Food!

Okay, trivia!

Does anyone know what that means?

- I believe it means mouth pleaser.

Oh.

- It's French. I studied some French

during my semester at sea or shall I say,

a semester at la mer, which is French for sea.

- Andy, was that coordinated by the Cornell Study Abroad

Office?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- The reason I ask is that Andy went to Cornell.

(toilet flushes)

Did you wash your hands, babe?

Yes. I did. For you, princess.

Even though I only went number one.

(Jan laughs)

I didn't really wash my hands.

Oh, what have we here?

This looks delicious.

Not with your hands.

- They need to be presented royally. Anyone?

Good stuff.

Alright. How about we just drink some wine?

God. Okay.

How about a toast?

Here's to good friends.

[Group] Cheers.

- Mm. Ah, now that is reminiscent.

Of what?

Old grapes.

Got a sort of an oaky afterbirth.

What was that?

So, music?

- Should we turn some music? - Uh,

- that sounds good. - Okay.

Do you guys remember my old assistant, Hunter?

He is an excellent songwriter. Wait until you hear this.

Okay, here we go.

* You took me by the hand *

* Made me a man *

* That one night, one night *

* You made everything all right *

(Andy singing)

* So rock the ride all night alright *

* Oh yeah, oh yeah *

* So rock the ride all night all right *

* Oh yeah *

- You know what? Hunter was a terrible assistant.

That is why Ryan fired him.

- Well, I think he's probably just about as reliable

as Pam being that it usually takes you

an afternoon to get back to me.

Yeah.

- Sometimes I think she holds onto faxes.

- I don't care what they say about me.

I just want to eat.

Which I realize is a lot to ask for, at a dinner party.

Oh my God. I thought I was going to pass out.

We should probably get back.

- Uh-uh, I'm just going to stay here for a while.

Say I got lost.

Are you eating?

It was just a little.

I didn't have anything, Jan.

- Really, Pam? This is a dinner party.

I'm sorry. She scares me.

Cow!

- No, it's a hump. There's a hump.

Joe Camel! Joe Camel!

Yes!

- Okay, yes! - No, no, no!

First name of that animal.

And the second name is the state

where Helena is the capital.

Montana.

[Jan] Oh!

Joe Montana?

Yes!

(Group claps and cheers)

Time, time, time.

Two pieces.

- Why didn't you just say 49ers Quarterback?

Alright, my, my, my, my turn.

(clapping)

My, my, my, my turn.

My, my, my, my turn.

- Babe, can you just like really-

Whoa. (Michael laughs)

You're just like really-

- hyped up. - What? What?

Can you just simmer down? Seriously.

- No, I'm just making people laugh.

[Jan] No.

- Yes. I was watching Jim's face-

- [Jan] I was watching Jim and-

and he was laughing.

No smile.

Look at him. He's laughing.

- Michael and Jan seem to be playing

their own separate game and it's called,

"Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests."

And they're both winning.

So I am going to make a run for it.

You'll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord.

Apparently my apartment flooded. Something with a sprinkler.

[Jan] Oh no!

- Pam. We should probably get going and see the damage.

Oh. Okay.

- You don't need two of you to do that.

That's true.

Dinner sounded delicious.

Pam, I'll see you at home.

Thank you so much. It was a great night.

- Oh, Jim. I don't think you're going

to abandon this party here all by itself.

- I don't know because everything I own is there.

- You can buy new stuff, but you can't buy a new party.

- That's true. That is a great point.

Come on down here.

Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends.

And we're not going to think about all your stuff

being destroyed, alright?

[Andy] Michael, you're up!

[Michael] Alright, here we go.

This is going to be fun. Ready?

[Andy] Go!

Alright. First name is Tom.

No, no, no!

- And he goes on a-

No names! No names. No rhyming. No sound-alikes.

- You actually have to give clues.

- Alright, alright. Okay! You're getting into my head!

First name is blank and he goes on a cruise.

- He goes on a Caribbean cruise. - I don't know.

Katie Holmes.

No! (yells)

But he's married to her.

Oh, Dawson's Creek.

= No! No. It has to be a real person, Jim.

Come on!

I'm gonna pass. I'm gonna pass.

Oh, okay!

Rhymes with Parnold Schparzenegger.

No rhyming!

Not really a rhyme.

Another clue, another clue!

- Okay. He's the governor of California.

He is the Terminator.

Those aren't helpful.

Tom Cruise!

No!

Time!

Does anybody read the paper?

Oh.

- Michael's dinner party is for couples only,

which is why I wasn't initially invited.

But that was then.

I very recently entered into a serious

monogamous relationship, if that idiot ever gets here.

(jazz music playing)

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

- I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here.

The sliding glass door shattered so-

It's okay.

- It's actually a really cute story.

Do you want to tell it, babe? Or should I tell it?

I don't like that story, babe.

Come on. It's a cute story.

Michael ran through the sliding glass door

because he thought he heard the ice cream truck (laughs).

- Stop! Stop it. I mean, I like ice cream.

Okay? Sue me. Oh, nope. Don't.

I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me.

She loves to sue. She loves lawsuits.

You know, honey,

that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible.

- You are so right. You are so right.

Because before I lived here,

the glass was always covered in smudges.

And then I moved in and I cleaned it.

So I guess that makes me the devil.

Oh, (laughs) you are!

(Jan laughs)

She is! She is the devil!

I'm in hell. I'm burning, help me.

You shouldn't joke about that.

- Is there more wine than the kitchen?

I will get it. I will get it.

What kind of hostess would I be if I didn't-

- That's okay. I don't mind. - No, no, no.

In fact, you know what? Girls' trip.

Angela, come on. Girls' trip.

Not even close.

So you keep a very tidy house.

- You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath.

(laughs) But I don't have to tell you, Pam.

Yeah.

W- what?

- Oh, well don't tell me that he's really changed

since you guys dated.

Oh, are you joking?

- Michael told me a little bit about it,

but I see the way you look at him.

I have never, ever dated or wanted to do

anything resembling dating Michael.

Ever. Not ever, not now. Not then, not now. Not ever, ever.

- I've noticed how you look at him at the office.

- [Jan] Mm-hmm.

So this girl that I basically grew up with

becomes Miss West Virginia, and then suddenly

all the boys start paying attention to me.

And it was funny because I never even considered myself

beautiful until people started pointing it out to me.

They go, "Jan, wow, you are so much more beautiful

than Miss West Virginia". (laughs)

Oh, so that is why I...

Wait, Pam, what was your, what was your question?

Where did you grow up?

- So I spend most of my time right here.

Wow. It is so cold.

- Yeah. Yes. Summers are sweltering.

So kind of cancel each other out.

Have a hand.

So, Jim, I noticed you checking out Jan's candles.

- Oh no. She just put it in front of my face.

- Yeah. Did you know that candles are the number one

fastest growing product in the scent aroma market?

$2 billion a year industry.

And for only $10,000, you could become

a co-owner of Serenity by Jan.

What do you think about that?

Thought about it. I'm in.

- I'm sorry. Are you really trying to get us to invest

in Jan's company?

I'm sorry.

(doorbell rings)

What now?

[Jan] Coming!

Hello.

[Jan] What are you doing here?

- We came here to eat dinner and to party.

This is a dinner party, right?

Awesome!

What is he doing here?

Yes. What are you doing here?

Dwight is my friend.

We weren't invited?

- You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not

part of a couple.

And because we didn't have enough wine glasses.

Dwight brought glasses and a person.

- Fine. Whatever you want. Just like always.

Whatever you want.

- Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want.

It's fine.

When I wanted to see "STOMP" and you wanted to see "Wicked",

what did we see?

- We saw W-

- When I said that I wanted to have kids.

And you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy,

what did I do?

And then when you said that you might want to have kids and

I wasn't so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed?

And then when you said you definitely didn't want

to have kids, who had it reversed back?

Snip snap, snip snap, snip snap.

I did!

Okay.

- You have no idea the physical toll

that three vasectomies have on a person.

And I bought this condo to fill with children!

Okay, I am so sorry that I don't want

to bring kids into this screwed up world. Okay?

I'm sorry, too.

But look, if you want to have kids, then fine! You win!

Let's have a (beep) kid!

- Do you mean it? You want to have a kid?

I hate my life.

- So, can we come in? We brought beets.

Come on in.

- Can I use your bathroom? Move it, move it.

Great turkey leg.

- Mm-hmm.

- Michael, you should go say something.

(Jan cries)

Babe. Hey, no, no, no.

Don't be sad. Don't be sad.

Look, I care about you. And I support you.

And you are smart and beautiful.

And you have beautiful bosoms.

And you can't even tell they're fake unless you're naked.

And I believe that with my support and your constant calls

to Dr. Perry on my phone plan,

which a little bit of a strain,

because I only have 20 anytime minutes.

Well, every minute after that is 75 cents.

- You should look at some other plans.

Okay. Thanks, weirdo. But you know what?

I'm month-to-month because I don't want a two-year

commitment.

What were you saying to Jan?

- Honey, nobody in the complex likes you.

But you have made this place look great.

It's like a museum.

You can't touch anything,

which is a really strange way to feel

at the place that you live.

You have made this home a house.

- Okay, I'm just going to check on dinner.

That was good, yeah.

- Angela, would you like some of my beet salad?

I hate beet salad.

It's actually really good.

Hey, hey, hey!

I know you love beet salad.

I've seen you eat it many times.

The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth

makes me want to vomit.

- I hope she didn't do anything to the food.

Like, like what?

I can't prove it,

but I think she might be trying to poison me.

Hey, it looks great, babe.

[Jim] Yeah, it really does.

- I know Jan didn't poison the food. I know that.

But if she was going to poison the food of someone

at that table, wouldn't it be me, Michael's former lover?

- Can you not do that? It's disgusting.

- You know I have soft teeth. How could you say that?

Oops.

Excuse me for a second.

- So how do you guys know each other?

I was his babysitter.

And now you guys are dating?

- It's purely carnal and That's all you need to know.

- Would you write down your email because I have just

so many questions.

Email?

Never mind.

It was me!

What's that?

I spray painted that dog.

It was sleek and shiny and perfect little haircut.

It was parading around like it was God's gift

to this God-forsaken town (laughs).

I just couldn't take it anymore.

So I went over there and I held down my knee,

and I just spray-painted until I was good and done.

It bit me on the arm. I didn't even feel it.

Okay.

Alright. Here we go.

Okay.

[Jim] That's nice.

- [Michael] Everybody enjoying their meal?

Hey, babe.

[Michael] Yeah.

- How about we take the beer sign down

until our guests leave and then we can discuss it?

No, no. I'm gonna leave it up.

I think it ties the whole room together.

Okay.

* Took me by the hand *

- Jan thinks Hunter's very talented.

* Made me a man *

- You know what? I don't think he's that good.

At least he's an artist.

B.F.D. I'm a screenwriter!

- And I'm a candle-maker, but you don't hear me

bragging about it!

No, all you do is you get me

to try to work on my rich friends-

For an investment opportunity!

- Man, I would love to burn your candles!

You burn it, you buy it!

- Oh good! I'll be your first customer!

You're hardly my first.

That's what she said!

(glass breaks)

- That was a $200 plasma screen TV that you just killed!

Good luck paying me back on your $0 a year salary

plus benefits, Babe!

(door slams)

I'm going to get going.

Fine. Get out of here.

It's getting late.

(Group speaking)

You know what, you guys,

she'll be out on the bathroom soon.

- I noticed you're wearing open-toed shoes.

Since when did you become a whore?

- There might be a lot of things about me that shock you.

Now, if you excuse me, I have to get back to my date.

Do you need some help?

Have you seen my cooler?

No.

(Pam knocking)

Thanks for everything, Jan.

- Yeah. I want a rematch in "Celebrity".

- I want that recipe. That was some awesome buco.

It was a little too flavorful.

(police radio talking)

Of course.

- [Dwight] Get out of my way. I'll take care of this.

What seems to be the problem, Officers?

Not now, Dwight.

We got a call about a disturbance.

- Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here.

Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party.

- A neighbor said they heard some shouting.

Oh yes, there was screaming.

But my girlfriend threw a Dundie at my TV.

Plasma.

Do you want to press charges?

Would she get into trouble?

Yeah, she'd be charged.

- I will take the fall. I did it.

- You know, you don't have to press charges.

You can just try to be more quiet.

Michael!

Yes. Oh.

- Wait, what are you doing to him?

Is this about that stupid, ugly mutt?

[Neighbor] She's a Weimaraner!

- Please. Please. Don't hurt him. Okay?

- Sir, do you have any other place you could stay?

Maybe with one of your friends here.

Michael can come home with me.

Jim, Pam?

My apartments on fire.

- Flooded. - Flooded.

- You people. Come on, you're sleeping with me.

No

- I'm going to take you home, Michael.

- Nope. - Come on. Alright.

Bye, Babe! Bye, everybody!

I hope we can do this again sometime soon.

And Jim, I hope your apartment's okay.

[Jim] Okay, thanks.

- Hey, do you want to cream it up?

Hit the stone? Stone it up? Creamage?

What?

- Do you want to go to the Cold Stone Creamery?

Oh, I don't know.

You have to understand.

I hated you so deeply for so long that it's difficult for me

to find you tolerable, which I do.

- [Michael] Could we just go, please?

(tires squeal)

- [Pam] This is the best burger I've ever had, Babe.

- Babe, I should have told you, but I did something bad.

I stole this.

(Pam laughs)

For you, babe.

* You took me by the hand *

* Made me a man *

* That one night *

(Pam singing)

I love that.

* That one night *

* You made everything all right *

* So rock the ride all night, all right *

* Oh yeah *

* Oh yeah *

* So rock the ride all night *

* Alright, oh yeah *

(folksy music playing)

* That one night, one night *

* You made everything all right *

* That one night, one night *

* You made everything all right *

Jim, Pam, Ryan, the mayor, Barack Obama, Shiloh Jolie Pitt,

because at the end of the night,

Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick him up.

And I would get to meet them.

Shia LaBeouf because of "Disturbia",

all of the children of the world, Val Kilmer.

But he probably wouldn't come. Too famous.

Obviously George Clooney.

And Jan. Definitely. If there was room.

- I'll tell you about my ideal dinner party.

John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Osama bin Laden,

John Wayne Gacy and Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer.

Oh, Hey guys. Welcome to my home.

Oh, here comes the waiter with the soup.

Hope you guys are hungry.

Meanwhile, the waiter subtly nods at me,

but I don't acknowledge him,

but I know he's an assassin because I trained him.

Boom, two minutes later, five dead psychopaths

at my dining room table.

All that's left to do is dispose of the bodies and collect

the reward.

It's almost too easy.

(upbeat rock music)

(horn blows)