Original subtitles

- Mm-hmm.

And again.

I'll call back.

You never call back.

- Every time Michael's in a meeting,

he makes me come in and give him a Post-It note

telling him who's on the phone.

I did it once, and he freaked out. He loved it so much.

The thing is he doesn't get that many calls.

So he has me make them up every 10 minutes.

- Yeah, um, tell him I'll call him back.

(Jan laughs)

- Oh, you can't always work 200 days, though.

[Pam] Sorry.

- Oh, no, no, no, I don't have time for this.

Tell him I'm in a meeting.

- So you have to know how to work this.

There's no excuse for this.

[Michael] Yep.

- I can get you a tutor if you need.

- Oh. Ah, this is a very important client.

But, I have the most important client sitting right

in front of me, my boss, so I will call him later.

Oh, no, no, no.

Customer service is obviously priority one.

You can take the call. (Michael stammers)

- No, money isn't everything, Ryan.

And you're my friend, and I don't wanna be rude.

Take the call, friend.

[Michael] I refuse. No.

- My house, my rules, I insist. - Go take your call.

I insist you take your work calls.

Uh, okay, all right.

Pam, would you put the call through?

(Michael sighs)

Hi, buddy.

(upbeat theme music)

[Jan] I don't know, I just,

ugh, I never felt welcomed there, you know?

- That's-

[Jan] Such a boy's club.

- Yeah, I hate that. - Good.

So, here's the deal.

Um, I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part

of Jan's wrongful termination lawsuit.

The company fired her for having the courage

to augment her boobs.

- And they displayed a pattern of disrespect.

- And? - And inappropriate behavior.

Yes, yes.

Pat-tern. Patt-ern.

My friend Pat took a turn. That's how I remember that.

Could we pull over and put down the top?

My-

[Jan] Oh, no.

- [Michael] I'm feeling a little queasy.

[Jan] I want it up. My hair.

- [Michael] Well-

- Remember, it's not just a pattern,

it's a pattern of disrespect.

- Mm-hmm.

And inappropriate behaviors.

Disray.

My friend Disray got news specs. Disray spect.

My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.

[Jan] Does this work for you?

- Yep. Tell them how much you're gonna get if you win.

- Uh, come on, Michael, that's tacky.

Million dollars!

Four million.

Four million dollars!

Man, that is a lot of guacamole. A lot of the green.

Lot of green.

That is why I have memorized Jan's answers.

Oh.

- And I've also thrown in some errs, and ahs.

- No, Michael. - Just to make it seem

like it's not memorized.

- [Jan] Oh, come on. - Perfect crime.

- [Jan] Stop saying ridiculous things.

He's just gonna tell the truth,

the truth is very, you know, complicated,

so we went over it carefully,

and just so we wouldn't leave anything up

to chance or Michael's judgment.

- Could we please pull over and pull down the top?

- I do not feel good. - Michael, I told you,

- I am not putting the top down. - I'm getting car sick!

Ugh, I'm gonna puke.

[Jan] Oh.

- I think I'm gonna throw up. - All right, fine.

Just a second. Hold on.

(Michael groans)

(Michael sighs)

Hey, Schneider, real quick.

What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?

- A good start. And I think it's busload.

- Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus.

Where did you find this guy?

Hey, there he is.

[Ryan] Hey, Michael.

[Michael] Hey, hey, Jan.

I'm glad you're here.

I actually need to talk to you for a second.

- Michael, it's probably best if you don't talk to anyone

from the company.

- Oh, it's not about the deposition.

It's strictly Scranton business. Two seconds.

Yeah, okay.

- Could we talk off the record? As friends?

- (Michael sighs) - I would love that.

- Jan has put the company in a very tough position here.

Now you've been with us for a long time.

Over 10 years, right?

We just wanna be sure that you won't do anything

to hurt us with your testimony.

Do you understand?

- Abso-really. Yeah.

I'll do anything for the company.

Good. That is great to hear.

It is.

Game, son!

All right, let's run it back.

- The warehouse got a ping-pong table last week.

Now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl.

Sometimes I bring him juice.

My boyfriend is 12.

- What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping-pong?

Hi, Kelly.

Guess whose boyfriend it is?

I don't wanna guess.

- I'll give you a hint: It's not my boyfriend.

I think it's a guy over here.

I don't talk trash, I talk smack.

They're totally different.

Trash talk is hypothetical, like:

Your mom is so fat, she can eat the Internet.

But smack talk is happening like right now.

Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact,

so I got the evidence right there.

- Jim. Can I see you for a second?

Sure.

Wow.

- Okay, it's not regulation size, but it'll do.

You have to practice.

You have to get really good and beat Darryl.

Oh, I can't beat Darryl.

Please?

Kelly's trash talking me because Darryl is beating you.

- What, seriously? What is she saying?

Your boyfriend is so weak,

he needs steroids just to watch baseball.

Jim couldn't hit a ping-pong ball

if it was the size of the moon.

Were Jim's parents first cousins

that were also bad at ping-pong?

I hope he's not that inaccurate in bed,

otherwise your night stand's gonna get pregnant.

It's really grating on me.

You can't just ignore it?

Just be mature about it?

Maybe.

Yeah, I guess I could.

Jim, I don't wanna be mature about it!

- So you're asking me to defend your honor against Kelly?

[Pam] Sorta, yes.

Bring me players.

Okay.

Thank you.

(clears throat)

So both my lover and my company are very concerned

about what I have to say,

but I think I can strike a balance between the two,

as long as there's no acrimony.

Jan's lawyer said the trial would be very civil,

so I'm not worried.

However, just in case, a little sales trick.

Feminine lady pads.

You stick these under your armpits.

They're very absorbent.

Made for a woman, but strong enough for a man.

- Yes, Michael is going to be cross-examined today,

which will be very, very risky for me.

Well, it's not an easy decision to make,

but it's a deposition.

It's not gonna be in front of a judge,

and it's four million dollars.

- [Michael] Oh, no, no. - Okay.

Hi, everyone, I'm Diane Kelly.

I'm the company's chief legal counsel.

Hi.

No, no, absolutely not. What is he doing here?

Toby?

- Are you renewing your divorce vows before my deposition?

- Michael, I'm your HR rep. I'm on your side.

Never. I want him gone.

I don't talk until he leaves.

Michael, just relax, okay?

- You know, I think they're, uh, ready for us now. So.

Okay. All right.

Actually, we're gonna do this

in the board room up on 26.

[Jan] Okay, Michael.

Okay.

Up or down?

Down.

Mr. Scott.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth?

Yessh.

- Mr. Scott, you're not in any trouble here.

All you have to do is answer

the lawyer's questions truthfully

to the best of your recollection.

- Yes, I actually have some experience.

I once had to testify a traffic accident case.

- Then you're an old hand at this.

Yes.

My testimony was actually very important,

because the accident was my fault.

It's not Meredith, that was another time.

- Mr. Scott, can you describe the circumstances

of Ms. Levinson's termination?

- Well, it was not just termination.

It was a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.

Oh.

Very good. Well put.

People underestimate Michael.

There are plenty of things that he is well above average at.

Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

And I know this is gonna sound weird, but scrambled eggs.

He makes the best scrambled eggs.

I don't know how he does it.

I put sugar in 'em.

- Hey, Kevin. Jim needs to see you.

About what?

- He needs help balancing some travel receipts.

Are you sure he wants me?

Because I have Oscar balance my travel receipts.

- Yeah, no, he asked for you specifically.

He's in the conference room.

[Kevin] Oh, awesome!

- How long have you known the plaintiff?

I haven't actually seen it.

But I have seen "The Firm",

and I am planning on renting "The Pelican Brief."

- How long have you known Ms. Levinson?

Six years and two months.

- And you were directly under her the entire time?

That's what she said.

[Lester] Excuse me?

That's what she said.

- Ms. Levinson told you she was your direct superior?

Hm? What?

Why would she say that?

- Can we just move on to another question?

No, wait, I don't understand.

Who's on record on saying this?

With all due respect,

I'm in the middle of a line of questioning.

Now Mr. Scott, what did you say Ms. Levinson said

regarding your employment status

with respect to her corporate position?

- Come again? That's what she said?

- Okay. - I don't know what

- you're talking about. - If I may,

he was just telling a joke before,

so can we move on

- to another question? - Oh.

Are you sure?

Uh, yes.

- Okay. Can you go back to where this digression began?

- Mr. Schneider: "And you were directly

under her the entire time?"

Mr. Scott: "That's what she said."

- Well, delivery is all wrong. She's butchering it.

- Oh my God, Pam, remember this morning,

how stupid Jim looked?

So gangly and weird,

like when Conan O'Brien danced around his desk and stuff?

I'm not usually up that late.

Really?

'Cause your eyes look so tired and figured you...

- I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you, you know?

Jim's been practicing.

Darryl isn't.

Oh, maybe that's because he's so good naturally.

Bye, Pam.

Pam and I feed off of each other's energy.

I tease her, she teases me. We have so much fun.

- She said that? Yeah, we have a lot of fun.

- Ms. Levinson was an excellent boss.

Professional, mean when she had to be,

kind to a fault,

always dressed the way

that I'd like for a female boss to dress,

basically every guy's fantasy of what a boss should be.

Did Ms. Levinson ever say

why she thought she was being fired?

- She thought it had to do with the twins.

That's what I call them.

- Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?

- Um, to be delicate, they hang off my lady's chest.

They make milk.

- You don't need to go any further. Her breasts?

[Michael] Yes.

- She thought it had something to do with her recent

breast enhancement surgery?

Yes, and frankly,

the timing was nothing short of predominant.

- What about your romantic relationship with Ms. Levinson?

Could that have played a part in her termination?

Well, if it did,

then the company is breaking its own rules.

Interesting. How so?

- Because before we started dating,

we disclosed our relationship to HR.

And I have the proof right here.

(gasps)

Let's just call this exhibit A.

Please note that Mr. Scott

is holding defense document number 109.

Yes, exhibit A, 109b.

(Andy grunts)

- Really, stretching for ping-pong?

- Yeah, don't wanna pull a hammie mid-match.

You want me to stretch you?

I was trainer for the men's volleyball team junior

and senior years.

Rubbed out a lot of cramps.

- No, I'm good. Thank you, though.

- I played a lot of Pong growing up.

Spent a lot of time on cruise ships.

I'm also a monster snorkeler.

Damn it, what are these paddles made of?

Paddle, man.

I should play you in squash.

I'd crush you in squash.

- What about ping-pong?

- Okay, I'll crush you in this too.

- Do it, serve. - All right.

- Okay, you know what? This table's not regulation.

Good eye, it's an oval.

You're measuring the table.

- Do you know anything about physics?

Do you?

Just serve.

Let's go, damn it!

(sighs)

These balls are weighted weird, aren't they?

- Yep. - Yeah, get another one.

Now wait a minute.

You're not gonna punch a wall, or me,

or anything like that if you don't win the point, right?

I don't know.

No, okay?

Just serve.

- Hello, everyone. I'm just gonna sit in for a bit.

[Man] Okay, let's resume.

Before we continue,

I would like to make an opening statement.

An opening statement.

- [Michael] Mm-hmm.

Okay, just be brief.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen of the table,

I would just like to say what a joy it is

for me to be here today,

but frankly, at my age, it's a joy to be anywhere.

I'm only 44, so I'm not old,

and I guess that doesn't really play,

but the point is, I have a sense of humor,

and I implore you all to have a sense of humor as well.

It's cathartic to just have a good laugh at ourselves

and each other.

I mean, look at those glasses.

I look around the room,

and I see some wonderful, friendly faces.

Thank you all for coming.

Why don't we all take a big, deep breath?

(Michael inhales sharply)

Come on, breathe in through your nose.

(Michael inhales sharply)

Yawning is good.

That's good. Let's release all the tension.

Feel better?

Thank you.

Thank you for...

Let's continue.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

- Okay, the company has just a few clarifying questions,

Mr. Scott, if that's okay with you?

I will allow it.

- Would you mind please just taking a quick look

at this photograph please?

Uh.

- [Diane] That is you and Ms. Levinson in Jamaica,

is that correct?

- [Michael] Uh-huh.

- And that photograph was taken more than two months prior

to the start of your relationship.

Does that sound right?

Mr. Scott, the timeline here is actually very important.

Please, when did your relationship actually begin?

(sighs)

- Well, depends on how you define begin.

I mean, if it was from the first time we shook hands,

that's like six years ago.

If it's from the first time we kissed,

that's like two years ago.

Wait, excuse me?

- If it was from the first time we kissed sober,

it was like four months after that.

- [Lester] Could we take a short break?

No, are you telling me

that your relationship began two years ago

and not in February as you previously testified to here?

Line.

I'm sorry, what?

- He asked for a line, like in a play.

- Answer the question please, sir.

Did your relationship begin two years ago?

- I'd like to take another run at this, actually.

May I have a mulligan?

A mulligan.

That would mean that you've perjured yourself.

I plead the first, actually.

- You'd like to plead the right to free speech?

May I request recess?

- Mr. Scott, remember when I said you weren't

in any trouble here?

Now you're in trouble.

Could I take a quick break?

[Diane] Hm.

- I need to change the panty liners in my armpits.

I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

"Can I take a quick break?

I need to change the panty liners in my armpits."

- Well, I should have gotten maxis.

(sighs)

- What the hell were you thinking?

- I was just so happy to be there.

I sent the picture to a few buddies to prove that we

- were having sex. - Oh.

- That's all. (Jan sighs)

- You don't- - Michael.

- Remember this, but there was a time

when you were considered out of my league.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

- Okay. - Into my arms.

Okay, it's fine, all right?

It's fine.

Just go back in there and stay composed, all right?

- Like we rehearsed. - Yeah.

Calm and confident.

[Michael] Okay.

Okay.

You can do it. I know you can.

- So where'd you learn how to play?

Cambodia, you?

My friend's basement.

All right, ready to start?

Let's do this thing.

(sighs)

What are you doing?

We're not playing strip pong?

Okay.

"Mr. Scott, do you realize

you just contradicted yourself?"

"I did?" "Yes you did."

"Can I go to the bathroom?" "No."

"I really have to, I've been drinking lots of water."

"You went five minutes ago."

"That wasn't to go to the bathroom,

that was to get out of a question."

"You still have to answer it."

"First can I go to the bathroom?" "No."

Good game, Meredith.

Don't patronize me.

- All right! What is going on here?

Dwight! Thank God you're here.

As it turns out,

one of our biggest clients is a ping-pong master,

and I have to play him tomorrow, or we lose the account.

Can you help me out? Will you help me practice?

- What the hell? - I told you.

All of my heroes are table tennis players.

Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wang Tao,

Jorg Rosskopf, and, of course, Ashraf Helmi.

I even have a life-size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall.

And the first time I left Pennsylvania was

to go the Hall of Fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

Well, that was ugly.

Yes, it was, Jim.

You're gonna lose this account. What a mess.

Jan and I had an on again,

off again relationship for two years.

And I know this destroys her case, and I am sorry,

but I throw myself at the mercy of the deposition.

- Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's all we needed to know.

- Wait, we'd like to enter to the record a page

from Michael Scott's personal journal.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing with my diary?

This is plaintiff's

- exhibit 107. - No, hold-

- I quote from an entry dated January 4 of this past year.

"Just got back from Jamaica. Tan almost everywhere.

Jan almost everywhere. Hehe.

Oh diary, what a week. I had sex with my boss.

I don't know if it's going to go anywhere.

Jan was very specific that this is not going anywhere,

that it was a one-time mistake.

But we had sex six times, so you tell me.

I am definitely feeling very eerie."

Irie.

Irie, sorry.

"More tomorrow. xoxo, Michael."

It would appear

that neither you nor Ms. Levinson considered

you had a relationship in any sense of the word.

Is that correct?

- We're gonna need to see a copy of that entire journal

before we proceed.

- I don't think anyone in this room has the right

to read my diary.

- It's basic discovery. We have the right to review it.

- Okay, let's make 10 copies of this diary.

Um, could you make it 11?

11, sure.

And we'll break for lunch, so everyone can have a look.

I totally see that.

Right there, first.

Yeah, yeah.

- What are you doing? - I think that's the question.

It's a problem with a client.

I think, Jim-

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Jim, come on, we gotta get in there and practice.

(Jim scoffs)

Okay?

I'm not kidding.

Wow.

- Now get good work done, concentrate.

All right.

On your back hand.

- Boo-yah!

- I thought we were playing for fun.

- No one paid me to say boo-yah.

Now pick up the ball.

But it's closer to you.

Now it isn't.

What are you guys doing?

We're at a meeting.

- Oh, yeah? How long is this meeting gonna last?

- Oh. - I have next meeting.

(people chatting)

(Michael sighs)

Can I sit here?

(Michael clears throat)

(Toby sighs)

You know, I know a little

about what you're going through in a way.

When I was a kid, my parents got divorced.

They both wanted custody,

and they both asked me to testify

against the other one in court.

So, I don't know,

I didn't want them getting divorced

in the first place, you know?

I loved them both so much.

- Mm-hmm.

- I just wanted-

(tray clatters)

- How could you give up my diary like that?

- I had to, I'm sorry but I need to win this.

We need to win this.

How'd you even find it?

- You keep it under my side of the mattress.

- I don't like lump. I'm really upset about this.

- Alright, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer.

You emailed a topless photo of me

to everyone in our company.

Let's call it even.

Fine. I love you.

I love you too.

- Well, how about a gross at two dollars even?

Mm-hmm. Very good.

- Yes, I'm still holding for her.

- Well, Zeke, if you, I'm sorry, Ezekiel,

if you want the extra large filing labels,

they are a little more expensive, but.

- [Dwight] Mm-hmm. Released.

- Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, Ryan?

Who you refer to her as just as hot as Jan,

but in a different way.

- Not a woman, just a cool, great looking,

best friend with benefits.

So Ryan is a man?

- Mm-hmm.

What exactly are the benefits?

We work at the same job,

and we see each other all the time.

- Aren't we trying to determine whether Michael

and Jan were engaged in a romantic affair?

Not Michael and this Ryan person.

(Toby laughs)

Excuse me.

- Alright, alright. This is the way I see it.

Yes, I had sex with Jan,

and yes, I did consider Jan to be my girlfriend.

However, Jan clearly didn't consider me to be her boyfriend.

So her actions are completely rightful.

And for the record, there have been a lot of girls

that I've considered to be my girlfriends,

who didn't feel the same way.

Paula Cole, for one.

I met her at a concert she gave,

and we talked for several minutes.

Okay, Mr. Scott,

it's admirable the way you defend a woman

who is so obviously ambivalent

about her relationship with you.

- Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that.

- Considering she consistently gave you

such poor performance reviews.

- That was before our relationship.

She was going through a divorce,

and she was drinking a lot.

[Diane] Okay.

Of water.

She couldn't have alcohol

because of all the pills she was taking.

Wellbutrin, Lunesta, Xanax.

If you have seen a commercial for it on TV,

then my baby's got it in her belly.

Mr. Scott, this is a copy

of a particularly negative performance review.

Would you mind reading the date on that please?

March 17th.

And that would be a month

after your relationship became official, is that correct?

Yes.

- You may read the highlighted portion out loud

if you'd like to.

- "I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks.

Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself

to be an unmanageable employee, and a poor branch manager.

I recommend he be removed from that position

and re-assigned to sales where he belongs."

Mr. Scott, after hearing that,

wouldn't you say that Ms. Levinson's judgment is,

at least, very seriously flawed?

Mr. Scott?

(people chatting) (phones ringing)

- [Darryl] Just read Michael's diary.

I don't wanna talk about it.

(Darryl laughs)

How's it going?

- Well, he has gone from completely hopeless

to simply miserable.

- Check this out, though, spin serve.

Well, it works like 80% of the time, so.

- Nice. So, should I reschedule the rematch with Darryl now?

I think I'm ready.

I'll make the call.

- Wait a minute, Darryl is the client?

No, no, no. He works here, dumbass.

Right.

Spin-serve!

How could you do that to me?

You can respond,

just remember it's all going into the record.

- Michael, I am not the enemy, okay?

Dunder Mifflin is the enemy.

- Dunder Mifflin has always treated me

with the utmost respect, with loyalty.

They were going to give me your job,

and I should have taken it.

Alright, wait.

Before you go any further,

let me show you what kind of loyalty they have, okay?

Lester, please read that part of Wallace's deposition.

Starting at paragraph six.

Council: "Mr. Wallace, regarding Michael Scott,

was he a contender to replace Jan Levinson?"

David Wallace: "Yes."

- See? I was his number one contender.

I was being groomed.

- Council: "Was he your first choice?"

David Wallace: "Michael Scott is a fine employee

who has been with the company many years."

Council: "Was he in the top five of contenders?"

David Wallace: "What do you want me to say?

Come on, he's a nice guy.

There were many people that I considered."

Council: "Was he being seriously considered

for the corporate job?"

David Wallace: "No."

I have one more question, Mr. Scott.

Wouldn't you agree with Ms. Levinson

that the company exhibits a pattern

of disrespect toward its employees?

Absolutely not.

(scoffs)

Oh.

Yes! Way to go.

See that?

- Yeah, the floppy haired girl you date won a point.

[Darryl] 19, serving 4.

Woo!

Nice, baby! Nice one!

* Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your boyfriend *

* 'Cause, 'cause, 'cause, 'cause *

* 'Cause he sucks at ping-pong *

- You know what? I'm sick of this!

Let's go, you and me!

What?

Let's go. Pick up a paddle.

Okay. Bring it on.

I am.

Think you can handle this?

In my sleep.

- Okay, well, you better start dreaming,

'cause that's the only way you're gonna win,

is in your dreams.

Just serve it.

Volley for serve, P.

O.

P.

O.

- Do you wanna go play on the table upstairs?

[Kelly] O.

Yes.

[Pam] P.

Michael.

I am very sorry.

- Oh, hey no biggie. Just-

- No, no, no, no, no. Hey, this was rough.

We never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this.

I'm very sorry.

Hey, David?

Yeah?

I think you're a nice guy too.

Thanks, Michael.

Why did I do it? I don't know.

Jan said that it was because of the photo

that she revealed the diary.

But she already brought the diary with her to New York, so,

you expect to get screwed by your company,

but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.

What do you wanna do for dinner?

How about Chinese?

- Sure, trying to save some money, get something cheap.

That was my cheap suggestion.

Chinese was my cheap suggestion.

Do you wanna do fast food?

Fine, fast food's fine.

(upbeat music)