Original subtitles

- but I did. I totally did. - I love camping.

Anything can happen.

Oh, it wasn't camping.

It's more of a wilderness retreat.

- Morning. - Michael.

- Ryan invited some of the branch

managers and Toby into the woods for a get to know you weekend.

Michael wasn't invited.

Apparently, they already knew

everything they needed to know about him.

- Did you sleep in cabins? - Under the stars.

It was really beautiful. You should have come.

- Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once.

(Michael laughs)

Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's

camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn't go.

He wasn't invited.

- Who went? Me, Dan from Buffalo.

Mark Chisholm, Jack from Albany.

And Ryan, obviously. We had so many s'mores.

I finally had to say no more s'mores.

(all laugh)

- Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat.

It was this amazing

beautiful.

- (knocks on glass) - Hey, nobody cares.

Nobody cares.

I need that room at some point, so just wrap it up.

Michael wasn't invited.

- I thought it would be a good idea to have a retreat with some

guys that I like, but no one wanted to fund it.

Fix it, Ryan. Find a solution, Ryan.

Fine, guys.

Did I mention it's a green retreat?

What happens next?

Corporate funds your camping trip

and all the cute secretaries are like

Huh, check it out.

That new wunderkind guy is kind of a do-gooder.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

No one ever does anything

for the environment just to help the environment.

If someone tells you they have a green initiative, it's a scam.

Do I feel guilty, please?

I went surfing last weekend.

The ocean is still there.

Unseasonably warm, actually. It was gorgeous.

I mean, if it helps you at all, we recycled all of our bottles.

At least I think we did.

We left him in a pretty obvious pile.

(upbeat theme music)

- Oh, it's Creed's birthday today.

Should we get him an ice cream cake?

Mint chocolate chip?

- Pam, are you my friend? - Oh, no.

- We have been friends forever, right?

- Yes. I have been working with you forever.

Hypothetically...

Would you go camping with me if I were to ask you and bear

in mind that I would never actually ask you to go camping.

Jim is also a friend of mine, and I would rather die

than make any sort of improper ovation toward you.

I don't think so.

Here's the thing.

When Michael invents a hypothetical situation,

he eventually turns it into an actual situation.

- Do you understand that Jim is like a brother to me

and I would never do anything inappropriate?

- I do. - So as friends,

would you go with me on a camping trip?

No.

Thank you for your honesty.

You're welcome. Open or closed?

Split the difference.

Hey, mint chocolate chip, please.

Is Jim out there?

No.

- Would you send Dwight in here? - Yeah.

Dwight, Michael wants to see you in his office.

You wanted to see me?

- Mmm-hmm.

I have something very personal I would like to discuss.

(door slams shut)

Would you go find Jim and send him in here please?

I'm on it.

- Michael has employed Dwight to track you down.

How much time do I have?

Jim, Michael's office.

- A couple of minutes. Give or take.

Now, Jim.

- Hypothetically, if I were to ask

you to go camping and you know what hypothetical means?

- Not real. - Got it.

So if I were to hypothetically

ask you to go camping with me, would you go?

Absolutely. Yes.

When Michael plays the hypothetical game,

I always say yes.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, do you want to go today?

And I am always busy.

Oh, can't go today because I'm donating blood.

- How often can you actually donate blood?

Is there a limit? I don't...

- Your body only has a certain amount.

Well, is that it? Or...?

Yeah, just this whole Toby

camping thing seems a little lame.

How so?

- A bunch of guys in a tent making s'mores.

Hmmm.

- What's that? - Hello, I'm broken mountain.

(smirks) Here's the thing.

That's not how you go camping.

I think you go camping by yourself in the wilderness.

It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents.

It's one guy or two guys.

- If your plans change. - Not going to change.

- I want to do it myself. You know?

I want to go and find out something about myself.

- I want to get out of here. - Mm-hmm.

All the clicks and the office

politics, fluorescent lights and the asbestos.

- I thought we had that looked at?

- I'm sick of it, Jim. I'm sick of this place.

When Jan and I had satellite,

we used to watch a reality show called Survivor Man.

And

it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out

into the middle of nowhere and just try not to die.

Try not to get eaten by an animal or

be overexposed.

Okay. I will only need two things.

- A roll of duct tape and a knife. - I'm on it.

Okay, 30 minutes or less.

Please come back.

Save the receipts.

Hey, what...?

- Let's see if any of these will work.

- Hey hey hey hey! Dwight!

Dwight.

I keep various weaponry

strategically placed around the office.

I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray

I had velcroed under my desk.

People say, oh,

it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace.

Well, I say it's better to be hurt by someone, you know,

accidentally than by a stranger on purpose.

And this is a hossenfoss.

Case hardened steel, one side as sharp as you'd ever want

something to be.

The other side serrated for maximum damage.

- Okay. - Look at that.

Perfectly balanced.

This is a fine precision instrument.

- All right, Dexter. Just give me the knife.

- You want a sheath for that? - No. Just give me a case.

All right.

Anything else?

- Flint? Parka? - All I need.

- No Dwight! - Tent? Rain fly?

I'm telling you,

all I will need are my instincts and my will to survive.

What is this called again?

Pam,

Dwight and I are going out.

He will return later, but I will not.

I will also be taking a personal

day tomorrow and perhaps the next day.

- Do you want me to ask where you're going?

- No. - Great.

Dwight will be driving me deep

into the Pennsylvania wilderness, where he will then

leave me to either die or to survive.

The choice is yours.

No, choice is actually yours.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Yes.

And I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest

of the day and for the next several days.

- Do not try to follow me. - Okay, great.

- This is a very personal, private experience in the wild

that I wish to share with me, myself and I.

Yup.

When I return,

I hope to be a completely changed human being.

That'd be great.

Do I believe that Michael

possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment?

Let's put it this way.

No, I do not.

- This is what a true survivor man does.

You simulate a disaster like a plane wreck.

You can only wear the clothes that you have on,

and you can only use the stuff that you have in your pockets.

Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial

killer, creepy guy who has abducted me and is taking me out

into the wilderness to leave me for dead.

- No, I would never leave you for dead.

You would never escape.

- Well, yes, I would. And I would survive.

- I would make sure that you were dead.

Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so

you could not be identified.

- And they would call me the overkill killer.

- You are as creepy as a real serial killer.

- For real. Okay. - What are you doing?

I am putting this on,

so I have no familiarity with my surroundings.

Now, this way I can't retrace my steps.

I don't know what streets we...

(thunk) Ow!

What are you doing?

- It would be better if you were unconscious.

- No, God, Dwight! Stop it. Stop it.

- Do you want to do this right or not?

- Please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life.

- Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday.

- Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday?

- Yes, Kelly's was last week. Remember?

- I do remember, yeah. - It's birthday month.

This month there are four birthdays in this office.

Guess why?

Count back nine months.

Valentine's Day.

Stagger your sin people.

Oh, I hate my birthday.

I am so old.

I mean, I'm still so much younger than everyone else

who works here, but they're like elderly.

Pam lies about her age.

I usually have a very nice

birthday after work with my friends

who do not work here.

- I don't enjoy my birthdays the way I used to.

This year, I've decided to call in sick.

Creed's is today.

Oscar's is week after next.

Meredith's is at the end of the month.

Michael usually goes with red and white streamers for...

I have an idea.

Why don't we just do one big shared party?

What?

- There are 13 people working in this office,

so 13 times a year, Michael gets a cake and balloons

and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast.

And there are two types of toasts.

One is a joke about how old you are.

Look at those wrinkles.

Blacks do crack. Not crack the drug.

And the other is something

inappropriate or horrible or both.

What else?

He only sings the high harmony to Happy Birthday.

(falsetto singing)

And he is a very big believer in surprise parties.

Maybe even arguably, possibly to a fault.

- Happy Birthday! (screams)

- Happy Birthday! - Oh!

(Michael laughs)

- Happy Birthday! - Oh!

(laughing)

[Jim] So, I think, yeah.

I think getting these out of the way might be productive.

Aahhh!

- We can just have one big fun party.

Everybody's happy. Nobody wastes their time.

I don't like it.

I just don't.

Wow.

You're shaking things up a bit, huh?

- It's a pretty good idea, don't you think?

Do you think it's a good idea?

No, I think it's a great idea.

Hmmm.

(Michael sighs)

- How much further, Dwight? - I cannot reveal that.

I'm getting car sick.

We're here.

Okay.

All right.

Dwight will

take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest.

Just the two of us. From this point out.

- Here we go. Just the two of us.

Here we go into the wild. To the mighty forest.

Can you smell the trees in the nature?

Keep going. You're fine.

Just some bushes and some thickets.

Keep going.

(Michael breathing heavily)

You wanted wilderness. You got it.

- You know, try sending them another invoice.

- Okay. - Alright.

Oh! Did you see my memo, by the way?

- Let's be honest. As fun as birthdays are,

we all could use a break from the constant cakes.

So let's celebrate birthday month in style today.

This is really cool.

Right? I was just thinking...

No, totally. Totally.

This way we get it all out of the way

at once and it could actually be fun.

Right!

Exactly.

Knew I could count on you.

[Dwight] Good a spot as any.

What are you doing?

Stop it. Dwight, just stop it!

I'm just... Spin!

I'm trying to confuse the sets of direction.

- Behold. - Alright, good.

Thank you, Dwight.

- Here's your knife. - Thank you.

- Here's your duct tape. - Good.

All right. Very good.

Okay.

Yup.

- Good luck, Michael. - Thanks for the ride.

Okay.

Leave me be, Dwight.

Hey, Jim.

- Can I have my own cake? - What's that?

- I really prefer devil's food cake.

- Oh, sure. - Yes! Awesome.

Okay.

Wow. That was easy.

Yeah, people like me, I guess.

- (taps on window) - Jim.

- I hate devil's food. - Well I think Meredith...

- Screw Meredith. I don't think it's fair to let

someone else pick the cake on my birthday.

Everybody's birthday.

Today is actually my birthday.

- And I want to pick the cake. - What do you want?

- I want pie. I want peach pie. - You want Birthday pie?

- Or a nice cobbler. - I'm going to talk to Angela.

We're going to see what we can do about a pie.

- I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen.

- It'll be Angela. - Well tell her it's for Creed.

She'll know what that means.

(Michael clears his throat)

Day one.

I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness.

I've brought with me only the bare essentials.

A knife, roll of duct tape in case I need to fashion

shelter or make some sort of water vessel.

It's hot today.

The sun is in the two thirds

Easterly Quadrant, which would make it about

Two o'clock in the afternoon, really beating down on me now.

I think that I want to get a little more comfortable

because the sun is depleting my resources.

Okay.

There we go.

Watch that I don't hit my

corroded artery here.

- (whispering) I lied to Michael.

I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not.

I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support.

But I will never help him.

I will let harm befall him.

I will even let him die.

But I will never let him lose his dignity.

There we go.

Much better.

Now everything I brought with me can be used.

My sport coat here can be

fashioned into a backpack of sorts.

I'm going to wear what was once

one of my pant legs.

Well, frankly, when nature calls,

Uhh...

I can just use these strips because I am unlikely to find

any Cottonelle out here or any Charmin.

I don't think I'll be seeing Snuggle Bear in these woods.

I think any bear I'm going to be

seeing is a much more dangerous type of bear.

See, this is a beautiful piece of material.

This can be used for all sorts of things.

Some sort of kerchief

to keep my neck nice and comfortable.

- Tuna? - Andy.

Me likey the ice cream cake.

Okay? "Fudgey the Whale"

Not your birthday.

- Well, I'm just saying, if you want to make people

happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgey of the Whale.

- All right, I'm gonna look into it.

But the answer is no.

Wow, okay. Harsh.

- Just don't expect me to show up. - Hey, Andy.

- I have some calls to make. - Loud and clear.

All right.

- Pizza rolls. - Okay.

I'm going to go into this office

here to do some work, so I will be in here.

Mushroom caps.

- I am totally alone right now with only my thoughts.

I love it.

* I'm loving it. *

I can literally say anything I want.

No one is going to hear me.

(shouting) Wish I could have gone with Ryan

on that cool retreat!

Jan has plastic boobs!

I have hemorrhoids!

It doesn't even matter.

- Michael's a man of great depth and passion.

I don't know what he's searching for out here.

But I hope he finds it.

Lunch.

- Well, it is a little chillier than I had thought so

I have fashioned my hat back into my pants.

Several hours in. Time for me to find some nourishment.

Now these woods are full

of creatures that can sustain human life.

Things like

squirrels.

Nice, juicy rabbit would be delicious.

Ravens and venison and Jackalope.

They are all ingenious to this part of Pennsylvania.

All I need to do is set a trap.

And the way I'm going to do that is using store bought granola.

You can find this in any store in civilization.

I will put this on the ground.

I will wait for them to come.

I will then kill the animal skin it, eat it and cook it.

About two more minutes.

- I have made this spear with which I will impale my dinner.

And it couldn't come a moment too

soon because I have been without food for a good 3 hours or so,

starting to feel it a little bit.

Ohhh...

It's Creed's birthday today.

* Happy birthday to you *

* Happy birthday to you *

* Happy birthday, dear Creed *

(singing falsetto) * Happy birthday to you *

Happy birthday, buddy.

It's a birthday.

So what if there's a lot of them?

Yeah, I work hard all day.

I like knowing that there's going to be a break.

Most days I just sit and wait for the break.

- I took an extra shot of insulin

in preparation for this cake today.

If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.

- Why don't you just have an Apple?

- Why don't you mind your business?

Listen, I figured this out.

Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago so he doesn't care.

- I think the power went to his head.

- Hey, Jim. - Hey, guys.

What are we talking about?

Nothing! Nothing going on.

We're talking about nothing.

Come on, gang.

- Well, if you take a look at this, I tented my pants.

I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter.

And this little guy may be Dunder Mifflin paper someday.

- Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope.

Safety is...

(click) On.

(knock on door)

- Hey, Jim. - Toby.

- Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays.

(Jim sighs)

Great idea.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah.

Is there anything else?

- My birthday was two months ago.

- Oh. Okay. - There was no party.

- What? - Well, there was,

but Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday.

- People sang in the parking lot. - Mmm, I remember that.

- I don't know. I just thought maybe you could include me.

- Seriously? - I just thought you

could add me in. I don't know what the harm in that is.

- Toby's great. He's great. But sometimes he

can be a little bit much.

(imitating Toby) I don't see the harm in that.

Well, it's a cake, Toby. So, come on.

Okay. Yeah. You know what?

We're just going to throw you

in because the more, the merrier, right?

[Angela] No, no way.

I am not a machine, Jim.

You can't just change plans, Willy-nilly, and expect these

little magic party elves to do your bidding.

We already have devil's food,

peach cobbler, Fudgey, the Whale, mushroom caps.

- I'm allergic to mushrooms. - That's a bummer.

Okay, then we need to... Hey, everybody.

Hi. How are you doing?

Could I have your attention, please?

Because we have to talk about this birthday thing.

- Conference room? - Yes, conference room.

Five minutes.

No, no...

We're going to solve it right here.

We're going to actually talk about it out here.

So who has problems with the birthday thing?

One, two, three. Everybody.

Okay, so then we just shouldn't do it.

- What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?

Oh, I'll take 'em.

- Well, nobody's touching my cobbler.

- Hey, Michael. I mean, Jim.

- Yep, Phyllis called me Michael,

and I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

Well, unfortunately,

a flock of birds has eaten the bait that I put out,

so I've had to turn elsewhere to find sustenance and under

this tree, I think I struck the mother load.

Those are nature's best mushrooms.

Wild and I have to say,

these little buggers are damn tasty as well.

[Dwight] No! No!

No Michael!

No!!! No!!!

No!!!

[Michael] Ugh!

[Dwight] No!

Give 'em up!

(grunting)

(all singing) * Happy birthday to you *

* Happy birthday to you *

* Happy birthday *

* Dear Creed *

* Happy birthday to you *

- Yeah! (clapping)

All right!

* Skip around the room, skip around the room *

* we won't * Okay. All right.

Don't do that.

You're going to break something.

It was a wild experience.

As I lay there with Dwight's

grubby fingers sticking down my throat.

I looked up and I saw the birds

and the trees and these other birds and the sun.

And it was gorgeous.

It was so beautiful.

But I think it also repulsed me because I threw up

all over Dwight's hand.

Man became civilized for a reason.

He decided that he liked to have

warmth and clothing and television and hamburgers

and to walk upright and to have a soft futon

at the end of the day.

He didn't want to have to struggle to survive.

I don't need the woods.

I have a nice wood desk.

I don't need fresh air because I have the freshest air around...

AC.

And I don't need wide open spaces.

Check it out.

I can also make it the sky.

- Hey, buddy. - Hey.

What up?

Sure glad you're back.

You are relieved.

You have no idea.

So what did I miss?

- Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.

- Terrible idea. - Yeah. Okay. I did that.

- Rookie mistake. - You did do it?

Uh huh.

Just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out.

- Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years, but...

That's what I said.

That's what she said.

(crunch)

That's what who said?

I never know.

Let her just say it.

I say stuff like that, you know,

to lighten the tension when things sort of get hard.

That's what she said.

Hey! Nice.

Really good.

Bravo.

My young ward.

Looks like this is an old trail

that early settlers may have broken.

Sometimes you think about

the pilgrims

who landed

at Plymouth Rock and then moved

west, and I may be retracing their steps as we speak.

Check out this ravine.

Now, these ravines were formed by enormous

icicles.

This is a little dicey.

Trying to head down.

One of the tricks to going

down a steep incline is to try to position your weight

in relation to the hill

because if I lean that way, I would start to tumble.

But leaning back this way, I'm able to maintain my balance.

This is just a part of being in nature.

Holy crap.

Okay, that's good.

Okay, now

this seems to be a Fir tree.

That's where the coats come from.

(sound of bird squawking)

That is a Falcon.

There are not many Falcons left in these woods.

I believe there are only seven in the United States.

And that would be wonderful to see it.

(squawking)

(upbeat music)