All language subtitles for The.Office.US.S04E11.EXTENDED.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

- but I did. I totally did.
- I love camping.

Anything can happen.

Oh, it wasn't camping.

It's more of a
wilderness retreat.

- Morning.
- Michael.

- Ryan invited some
of the branch

managers and Toby into the woods
for a get to know you weekend.

Michael wasn't invited.

Apparently, they already knew

everything they needed
to know about him.

- Did you sleep in cabins?
- Under the stars.

It was really beautiful.
You should have come.

- Bob and I took rock
climbing lessons once.

(Michael laughs)

Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's

camping trip. Toby went,
but Michael didn't go.

He wasn't invited.

- Who went?
Me, Dan from Buffalo.

Mark Chisholm, Jack from Albany.

And Ryan, obviously. We had
so many s'mores.

I finally had to say
no more s'mores.

(all laugh)

- Ryan invited me to go on his
wilderness adventure retreat.

It was this amazing

beautiful.

- (knocks on glass)
- Hey, nobody cares.

Nobody cares.

I need that room at some point,
so just wrap it up.

Michael wasn't invited.

- I thought it would be a good
idea to have a retreat with some

guys that I like, but no
one wanted to fund it.

Fix it, Ryan.
Find a solution, Ryan.

Fine, guys.

Did I mention it's
a green retreat?

What happens next?

Corporate funds
your camping trip

and all the cute
secretaries are like

Huh, check it out.

That new wunderkind guy
is kind of a do-gooder.

I'll let you in on
a little secret.

No one ever does anything

for the environment just
to help the environment.

If someone tells you they have a
green initiative, it's a scam.

Do I feel guilty, please?

I went surfing last weekend.

The ocean is still there.

Unseasonably warm, actually.
It was gorgeous.

I mean, if it helps you at all,
we recycled all of our bottles.

At least I think we did.

We left him in a pretty
obvious pile.

(upbeat theme music)

- Oh, it's Creed's
birthday today.

Should we get him
an ice cream cake?

Mint chocolate chip?

- Pam, are you my friend?
- Oh, no.

- We have been friends
forever, right?

- Yes. I have been working
with you forever.

Hypothetically...

Would you go camping with me if
I were to ask you and bear

in mind that I would never
actually ask you to go camping.

Jim is also a friend
of mine, and I would rather die

than make any sort of improper
ovation toward you.

I don't think so.

Here's the thing.

When Michael invents
a hypothetical situation,

he eventually turns it
into an actual situation.

- Do you understand that
Jim is like a brother to me

and I would never do
anything inappropriate?

- I do.
- So as friends,

would you go with me
on a camping trip?

No.

Thank you for your honesty.

You're welcome.
Open or closed?

Split the difference.

Hey, mint chocolate
chip, please.

Is Jim out there?

No.

- Would you send Dwight in here?
- Yeah.

Dwight, Michael wants to see
you in his office.

You wanted to see me?

- Mmm-hmm.

I have something very personal
I would like to discuss.

(door slams shut)

Would you go find Jim
and send him in here please?

I'm on it.

- Michael has employed
Dwight to track you down.

How much time do I have?

Jim, Michael's office.

- A couple of minutes.
Give or take.

Now, Jim.

- Hypothetically,
if I were to ask

you to go camping and you
know what hypothetical means?

- Not real.
- Got it.

So if I were to hypothetically

ask you to go camping
with me, would you go?

Absolutely. Yes.

When Michael plays the
hypothetical game,

I always say yes.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, do you want to go today?

And I am always busy.

Oh, can't go today because
I'm donating blood.

- How often can you
actually donate blood?

Is there a limit? I don't...

- Your body only has
a certain amount.

Well, is that it? Or...?

Yeah, just this whole Toby

camping thing seems
a little lame.

How so?

- A bunch of guys
in a tent making s'mores.

Hmmm.

- What's that?
- Hello, I'm broken mountain.

(smirks) Here's the thing.

That's not how you go camping.

I think you go camping
by yourself in the wilderness.

It's not with a group of guys
frolicking around in tents.

It's one guy or two guys.

- If your plans change.
- Not going to change.

- I want to do it myself.
You know?

I want to go and find out
something about myself.

- I want to get out of here.
- Mm-hmm.

All the clicks and the office

politics, fluorescent
lights and the asbestos.

- I thought we had
that looked at?

- I'm sick of it, Jim.
I'm sick of this place.

When Jan and I had satellite,

we used to watch a reality
show called Survivor Man.

And

it was interesting because it
was about a guy who would go out

into the middle of nowhere
and just try not to die.

Try not to get eaten by an
animal or

be overexposed.

Okay.
I will only need two things.

- A roll of duct tape and a knife.
- I'm on it.

Okay, 30 minutes or less.

Please come back.

Save the receipts.

Hey, what...?

- Let's see if any
of these will work.

- Hey hey hey hey!
Dwight!

Dwight.

I keep various weaponry

strategically placed
around the office.

I saved Jim's life with
a can of pepper spray

I had velcroed under my desk.

People say, oh,

it's dangerous to keep weapons
in the home or the workplace.

Well, I say it's better to be
hurt by someone, you know,

accidentally than
by a stranger on purpose.

And this is a hossenfoss.

Case hardened steel, one side as
sharp as you'd ever want

something to be.

The other side serrated
for maximum damage.

- Okay.
- Look at that.

Perfectly balanced.

This is a fine precision
instrument.

- All right, Dexter.
Just give me the knife.

- You want a sheath for that?
- No. Just give me a case.

All right.

Anything else?

- Flint? Parka?
- All I need.

- No Dwight!
- Tent? Rain fly?

I'm telling you,

all I will need are my instincts
and my will to survive.

What is this called again?

Pam,

Dwight and I are going out.

He will return later,
but I will not.

I will also be taking a personal

day tomorrow
and perhaps the next day.

- Do you want me to ask
where you're going?

- No.
- Great.

Dwight will be driving me deep

into the Pennsylvania
wilderness, where he will then

leave me to either
die or to survive.

The choice is yours.

No, choice is actually yours.

Are you sure you
want to do this?

Yes.

And I am leaving you in charge
of the office for the rest

of the day and for the
next several days.

- Do not try to follow me.
- Okay, great.

- This is a very personal,
private experience in the wild

that I wish to share
with me, myself and I.

Yup.

When I return,

I hope to be a completely
changed human being.

That'd be great.

Do I believe that Michael

possesses the skills to survive
in a hostile environment?

Let's put it this way.

No, I do not.

- This is what a true
survivor man does.

You simulate a disaster
like a plane wreck.

You can only wear the clothes
that you have on,

and you can only use the stuff
that you have in your pockets.

Now, in this case,
this disaster is a serial

killer, creepy guy who has
abducted me and is taking me out

into the wilderness
to leave me for dead.

- No, I would never
leave you for dead.

You would never escape.

- Well, yes, I would.
And I would survive.

- I would make sure
that you were dead.

Then I would remove your teeth
and cut off your fingertips so

you could not be identified.

- And they would call
me the overkill killer.

- You are as creepy as
a real serial killer.

- For real. Okay.
- What are you doing?

I am putting this on,

so I have no familiarity
with my surroundings.

Now, this way I can't
retrace my steps.

I don't know what
streets we...

(thunk)
Ow!

What are you doing?

- It would be better if
you were unconscious.

- No, God, Dwight! Stop it.
Stop it.

- Do you want to do
this right or not?

- Please allow me to have one
cathartic experience in my life.

- Jim, we need to order a cake
for Creed's birthday.

- Oh, wasn't it just
someone's birthday?

- Yes, Kelly's was last week.
Remember?

- I do remember, yeah.
- It's birthday month.

This month there are four
birthdays in this office.

Guess why?

Count back nine months.

Valentine's Day.

Stagger your sin people.

Oh, I hate my birthday.

I am so old.

I mean, I'm still so much
younger than everyone else

who works here,
but they're like elderly.

Pam lies about her age.

I usually have a very nice

birthday after work
with my friends

who do not work here.

- I don't enjoy my birthdays
the way I used to.

This year, I've decided
to call in sick.

Creed's is today.

Oscar's is week after next.

Meredith's is at the
end of the month.

Michael usually goes with red
and white streamers for...

I have an idea.

Why don't we just do
one big shared party?

What?

- There are 13 people working
in this office,

so 13 times a year,
Michael gets a cake and balloons

and some sort of joke
gift and makes a toast.

And there are two
types of toasts.

One is a joke about
how old you are.

Look at those wrinkles.

Blacks do crack.
Not crack the drug.

And the other is something

inappropriate or
horrible or both.

What else?

He only sings the high
harmony to Happy Birthday.

(falsetto singing)

And he is a very big believer
in surprise parties.

Maybe even arguably,
possibly to a fault.

- Happy Birthday!
(screams)

- Happy Birthday!
- Oh!

(Michael laughs)

- Happy Birthday!
- Oh!

(laughing)

[Jim] So, I think, yeah.

I think getting these out
of the way might be productive.

Aahhh!

- We can just have
one big fun party.

Everybody's happy.
Nobody wastes their time.

I don't like it.

I just don't.

Wow.

You're shaking things
up a bit, huh?

- It's a pretty good idea,
don't you think?

Do you think it's a good idea?

No, I think it's a great idea.

Hmmm.

(Michael sighs)

- How much further, Dwight?
- I cannot reveal that.

I'm getting car sick.

We're here.

Okay.

All right.

Dwight will

take my blindfold off when
we are deep in the forest.

Just the two of us.
From this point out.

- Here we go.
Just the two of us.

Here we go into the wild.
To the mighty forest.

Can you smell the trees
in the nature?

Keep going.
You're fine.

Just some bushes
and some thickets.

Keep going.

(Michael breathing heavily)

You wanted wilderness.
You got it.

- You know, try sending
them another invoice.

- Okay.
- Alright.

Oh! Did you see my memo,
by the way?

- Let's be honest.
As fun as birthdays are,

we all could use a break
from the constant cakes.

So let's celebrate birthday
month in style today.

This is really cool.

Right?
I was just thinking...

No, totally. Totally.

This way we get it
all out of the way

at once and it could
actually be fun.

Right!

Exactly.

Knew I could count on you.

[Dwight] Good a spot as any.

What are you doing?

Stop it. Dwight, just stop it!

I'm just... Spin!

I'm trying to confuse
the sets of direction.

- Behold.
- Alright, good.

Thank you, Dwight.

- Here's your knife.
- Thank you.

- Here's your duct tape.
- Good.

All right. Very good.

Okay.

Yup.

- Good luck, Michael.
- Thanks for the ride.

Okay.

Leave me be, Dwight.

Hey, Jim.

- Can I have my own cake?
- What's that?

- I really prefer
devil's food cake.

- Oh, sure.
- Yes! Awesome.

Okay.

Wow. That was easy.

Yeah, people like me, I guess.

- (taps on window)
- Jim.

- I hate devil's food.
- Well I think Meredith...

- Screw Meredith.
I don't think it's fair to let

someone else pick
the cake on my birthday.

Everybody's birthday.

Today is actually my birthday.

- And I want to pick the cake.
- What do you want?

- I want pie. I want peach pie.
- You want Birthday pie?

- Or a nice cobbler.
- I'm going to talk to Angela.

We're going to see what
we can do about a pie.

- I don't care who you talk to.
Just make it happen.

- It'll be Angela.
- Well tell her it's for Creed.

She'll know what that means.

(Michael clears his throat)

Day one.

I'm in the interior of the vast
Pennsylvania wilderness.

I've brought with me only
the bare essentials.

A knife, roll of duct tape
in case I need to fashion

shelter or make some
sort of water vessel.

It's hot today.

The sun is in the two thirds

Easterly Quadrant,
which would make it about

Two o'clock in the afternoon,
really beating down on me now.

I think that I want to get
a little more comfortable

because the sun is
depleting my resources.

Okay.

There we go.

Watch that I don't hit my

corroded artery here.

- (whispering) I lied to
Michael.

I said that I would leave
him alone, but I will not.

I will remain close by to
provide unseen moral support.

But I will never help him.

I will let harm befall him.

I will even let him die.

But I will never let
him lose his dignity.

There we go.

Much better.

Now everything I brought
with me can be used.

My sport coat here can be

fashioned into a
backpack of sorts.

I'm going to wear what was once

one of my pant legs.

Well, frankly,
when nature calls,

Uhh...

I can just use these strips
because I am unlikely to find

any Cottonelle out here
or any Charmin.

I don't think I'll be seeing
Snuggle Bear in these woods.

I think any bear I'm going to be

seeing is a much more
dangerous type of bear.

See, this is a beautiful
piece of material.

This can be used for all
sorts of things.

Some sort of kerchief

to keep my neck nice
and comfortable.

- Tuna?
- Andy.

Me likey the ice cream cake.

Okay?
"Fudgey the Whale"

Not your birthday.

- Well, I'm just saying,
if you want to make people

happy, namely me, you will
have a Fudgey of the Whale.

- All right, I'm gonna
look into it.

But the answer is no.

Wow, okay. Harsh.

- Just don't expect me to show up.
- Hey, Andy.

- I have some calls to make.
- Loud and clear.

All right.

- Pizza rolls.
- Okay.

I'm going to go into this office

here to do some work,
so I will be in here.

Mushroom caps.

- I am totally alone right
now with only my thoughts.

I love it.

* I'm loving it. *

I can literally say
anything I want.

No one is going to hear me.

(shouting) Wish I could
have gone with Ryan

on that cool retreat!

Jan has plastic boobs!

I have hemorrhoids!

It doesn't even matter.

- Michael's a man of great
depth and passion.

I don't know what he's
searching for out here.

But I hope he finds it.

Lunch.

- Well, it is a little
chillier than I had thought so

I have fashioned my hat
back into my pants.

Several hours in. Time for me
to find some nourishment.

Now these woods are full

of creatures that can
sustain human life.

Things like

squirrels.

Nice, juicy rabbit
would be delicious.

Ravens and venison
and Jackalope.

They are all ingenious
to this part of Pennsylvania.

All I need to do is set a trap.

And the way I'm going to do that
is using store bought granola.

You can find this in any
store in civilization.

I will put this on the ground.

I will wait for them to come.

I will then kill the animal
skin it, eat it and cook it.

About two more minutes.

- I have made this spear with
which I will impale my dinner.

And it couldn't come
a moment too

soon because I have been without
food for a good 3 hours or so,

starting to feel
it a little bit.

Ohhh...

It's Creed's birthday today.

* Happy birthday to you *

* Happy birthday to you *

* Happy birthday, dear Creed *

(singing falsetto)
* Happy birthday to you *

Happy birthday, buddy.

It's a birthday.

So what if there's
a lot of them?

Yeah, I work hard all day.

I like knowing that there's
going to be a break.

Most days I
just sit and wait for the break.

- I took an extra
shot of insulin

in preparation
for this cake today.

If I don't have some
cake soon, I might die.

- Why don't you just
have an Apple?

- Why don't you mind
your business?

Listen, I figured this out.

Jimmy had his birthday three
weeks ago so he doesn't care.

- I think the power
went to his head.

- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, guys.

What are we talking about?

Nothing! Nothing going on.

We're talking about nothing.

Come on, gang.

- Well, if you take a look
at this, I tented my pants.

I've made myself a nice
pants tent shelter.

And this little guy may be
Dunder Mifflin paper someday.

- Nothing to worry about.
Just using the scope.

Safety is...

(click)
On.

(knock on door)

- Hey, Jim.
- Toby.

- Hey, I just got the word
on the communal birthdays.

(Jim sighs)

Great idea.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah.

Is there anything else?

- My birthday was
two months ago.

- Oh. Okay.
- There was no party.

- What?
- Well, there was,

but Michael scheduled
it for 4:58 on a Friday.

- People sang in the parking lot.
- Mmm, I remember that.

- I don't know. I just thought
maybe you could include me.

- Seriously?
- I just thought you

could add me in. I don't know
what the harm in that is.

- Toby's great. He's great.
But sometimes he

can be a little bit much.

(imitating Toby)
I don't see the harm in that.

Well, it's a cake, Toby.
So, come on.

Okay. Yeah.
You know what?

We're just going to throw you

in because the more,
the merrier, right?

[Angela] No, no way.

I am not a machine, Jim.

You can't just change plans,
Willy-nilly, and expect these

little magic party elves
to do your bidding.

We already have devil's food,

peach cobbler, Fudgey,
the Whale, mushroom caps.

- I'm allergic to mushrooms.
- That's a bummer.

Okay, then we need to...
Hey, everybody.

Hi. How are you doing?

Could I have your
attention, please?

Because we have to talk
about this birthday thing.

- Conference room?
- Yes, conference room.

Five minutes.

No, no...

We're going to solve
it right here.

We're going to actually
talk about it out here.

So who has problems
with the birthday thing?

One, two, three.
Everybody.

Okay, so then we just
shouldn't do it.

- What am I supposed to do
with two cakes and a pie?

Oh, I'll take 'em.

- Well, nobody's
touching my cobbler.

- Hey, Michael.
I mean, Jim.

- Yep, Phyllis
called me Michael,

and I will always and forever
be haunted by that fact.

Well, unfortunately,

a flock of birds has eaten
the bait that I put out,

so I've had to turn elsewhere
to find sustenance and under

this tree, I think I
struck the mother load.

Those are nature's
best mushrooms.

Wild and I have to say,

these little buggers are
damn tasty as well.

[Dwight] No! No!

No Michael!

No!!! No!!!

No!!!

[Michael] Ugh!

[Dwight] No!

Give 'em up!

(grunting)

(all singing)
* Happy birthday to you *

* Happy birthday to you *

* Happy birthday *

* Dear Creed *

* Happy birthday to you *

- Yeah!
(clapping)

All right!

* Skip around the room,
skip around the room *

* we won't *
Okay. All right.

Don't do that.

You're going to break something.

It was a wild experience.

As I lay there with Dwight's

grubby fingers sticking
down my throat.

I looked up and I saw the birds

and the trees and these
other birds and the sun.

And it was gorgeous.

It was so beautiful.

But I think it also repulsed me
because I threw up

all over Dwight's hand.

Man became civilized
for a reason.

He decided that he liked to have

warmth and clothing
and television and hamburgers

and to walk upright
and to have a soft futon

at the end of the day.

He didn't want to have
to struggle to survive.

I don't need the woods.

I have a nice wood desk.

I don't need fresh air because I
have the freshest air around...

AC.

And I don't need
wide open spaces.

Check it out.

I can also make it the sky.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.

What up?

Sure glad you're back.

You are relieved.

You have no idea.

So what did I miss?

- Well, I tried to put all
the birthdays together at once.

- Terrible idea.
- Yeah. Okay. I did that.

- Rookie mistake.
- You did do it?

Uh huh.

Just wait. Ten years,
you'll figure it out.

- Well, I don't think I'll be
here in ten years, but...

That's what I said.

That's what she said.

(crunch)

That's what who said?

I never know.

Let her just say it.

I say stuff like that, you know,

to lighten the tension
when things sort of get hard.

That's what she said.

Hey! Nice.

Really good.

Bravo.

My young ward.

Looks like this is an old trail

that early settlers
may have broken.

Sometimes you think about

the pilgrims

who landed

at Plymouth Rock and then moved

west, and I may be retracing
their steps as we speak.

Check out this ravine.

Now, these ravines were
formed by enormous

icicles.

This is a little dicey.

Trying to head down.

One of the tricks to going

down a steep incline is to try
to position your weight

in relation to the hill

because if I lean that way,
I would start to tumble.

But leaning back this way, I'm
able to maintain my balance.

This is just a part
of being in nature.

Holy crap.

Okay, that's good.

Okay, now

this seems to be a Fir tree.

That's where the
coats come from.

(sound of bird squawking)

That is a Falcon.

There are not many Falcons
left in these woods.

I believe there are only
seven in the United States.

And that would be
wonderful to see it.

(squawking)

(upbeat music)