Original subtitles

Dunder Mifflin. This is Rolando.

Oh, yes. She's been expecting your call.

(knocks)

[Karen] Yeah.

- Karen? He's on line one.

Thanks, Ro.

Hey. We finally connected. How's Scranton?

I am the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Utica branch.

Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot

and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.

Look, all I'm saying is it would

be a great opportunity and we'd love to have you come aboard.

So think about it. Okay?

Okay, bye.

Look, for the record,

a certain Scranton salesman approached me. Okay?

- This is perfect! - He looks like your twin.

This is a dummy.

Ala, Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

We've tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door.

When somebody opens the door,

the hand goes down, hits the remote,

turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring.

Now nobody knows whether I am here or whether I am gone.

I'll know.

But you will not tell anyone.

- I won't need to because we'll be together, playing hooky.

- Sometimes, most of the time I will be with Ryan or Darryl.

(knock on door) Yes. Oh good, good.

Stanley first victim.

This is what I want you to do. Go out.

Come back in. We're going to hide.

I want you to tell me if this looks like me. Okay?

- I don't understand why sleeping

at your desk is better than you not being here.

Just go out and come back in.

(snoring sound)

- I got an offer from Utica for more money.

And I'm going to take it.

- What? (door shuts)

(upbeat theme music)

- Hey, everyone. Can I have your attention, please?

I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is

planning on leaving us because our old friend Karen

from Utica is going to give him more money to work there.

- Okay! (clapping)

[Michael] No, no, no no!

No, you completely misinterpreted my tone.

This is a horrible thing.

Clearly, Karen is trying to get

back at us because Jim dumped her.

- Oh, I don't think that's what's happening.

Okay, well, smarty pants.

Then why is she trying to take Stanley from us?

- I think it's because of my sales record.

That could not possibly be it.

You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office.

Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary.

The bluesy wisdom,

the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles,

the smile, those big, watery red eyes.

I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.

And if Utica thinks that they

are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming.

Are you gleeful over this? Is working out for you, Jim?

- It's completely unrelated, so...

Was it worth it?

Was she worth it?

Yep, she was.

- Look at Pam, everybody. She likes this.

Oh. No, you missed it.

Now she's ordinary again.

- How can I get you to stay? - Money.

Yeah. We all want money.

But there is none in the budget.

So tell me why you're really leaving.

Money.

- More money, more problems, Stanley.

You of all people should know that.

Let me ask you this.

- If I were... - Money.

Oscar, did you bring it?

To be Edwardian.

His best work.

- Okay, well, I have the tablecloth.

- Don't forget the flatware. - Sure thing, Pam.

- Can't wait. - [Angela] Sure thing, Pam.

- Fru fru club. - [Kevin] Must be nice.

Look at me. I wear underwear.

Oscar, Toby and I are founding

members of the Finer Things Club.

We meet once a month to discuss

books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way.

Sometimes the debate can get

heated, but we're always respectful.

There is no paper, no plastic and no work talk allowed.

It's very exclusive.

- Besides having sex with men, I would say

The Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.

I love the Finer Things Club.

My ex wife used to have a book club and I would read their book

and sometimes listen from the kitchen.

The Finer Things Club was not

sanctioned by the party planning committee.

Renegade clubs are dangerous.

I squashed the Weight Loss Buddy Support Group.

They didn't need to gather.

It was just gross.

- I don't know why I'm not in the Finer Things Club.

It's bull crap.

(classical music plays)

- So, tell me again why I can't be a part of your club.

- Because some people think that you monopolize

the conversation by trying to be funny.

- Oscar? - Some people.

[Karen on phone] Hello?

- Fillippellers. How they hanging?

- Michael... - To the left? To the right?

- Listen, I'm... - Okay, enough small talk.

- Go ahead. - You called me.

Yes. Listen, umm...

You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this.

- I'm pretty sure his family is coming with him.

No, his work family.

Look, this is very hard for me,

but I'm going to give you my best man.

You may have Toby.

Toby's not a salesperson.

You can train him.

He's very very smart and funny and charming.

Aahhh!

You know, I can't do it.

Toby is the worst.

That was a bluff.

Listen, if you were going

to poach one of my guys, I am going to poach one of yours.

Oooohhh...

- Goodbye, Michael. - Okay. Goodbye.

Wait wait! Karen.

Could you transfer me to one of your sales people, please?

Your best one.

(Karen hangs up)

- So, Stanley, are you really out of here?

- Yep. Looks that way.

I'm gonna miss you, man.

You've been like an uncle to me.

Like a kind old

Uncle Remus.

I want to stay in touch.

The Bernard Network or Bern- network is constantly growing.

Always stay in touch with everyone I've ever worked with.

Case in point, Stanley. Just got his number.

1-800-Stanley.

How cool is it that he got that number?

- If I was going to socialize with Andy,

it would have happened by now.

- It's inappropriate for Karen to poach Stanley.

Boiling makes human flesh rubbery.

- I'm finally going to get the good desk.

I have Ben Nugent on the line.

He is the top salesman in Utica.

- Hi, Ben. Michael Scott. - Hi, Michael.

- I'm going to cut right to the chase here.

Do you like magic?

Because I am a Genie in a bottle

and I'm going to grant you three wishes.

To move to Scranton,

to have a great job and to be my best friend.

- Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car?

- (Pam chuckles) - Get out.

Uhh... Yeah, I also saved her life.

But I guess that's not as grabby.

- Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden.

Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately?

- No, I fired them. And you're next.

So what do you say?

Seriously?

- What is that guy talking about?

Scranton is not lame.

Here's the breakdown.

Utica is lame.

Utica is snoozeville.

Albany are the prepsters.

Umm...Camden is in a basement.

Nashua has no parking.

Akron is haunted.

Yonkers has the two hot girls.

And Scranton is the cool, fun branch.

We're like Animal House.

- [Dwight] Found him. (classical music plays)

Jim, we're getting crapped on.

Word is our branch sucks.

We have to do something about it.

- So what are you going to do? - What are we going to do?

We are going to make a monster sale,

is what we're going to do.

- Corcoran dropped Staples. - Did they?

- Yes, they did. Oh, yes, they did.

And we are going to murder it.

You, me, Dwight are going to jump in my PT Cruiser

we are going to crush this sale.

We are going to prove

what the hell is that music?

It's Vivaldi for Finer Things.

- That's the problem. That's the problem.

We need rock and roll, Pam.

Rock and roll.

All right?

Oh, my God.

(classical music plays)

That's why people are leaving.

I...

I have no words.

**

Woo!

- Shotgun! - Oh, you're driving, right?

- Yes, I am. But I want shotgun for you.

- [Dwight] I wanted to sit next to you.

- No, Dwight, Dwight, Jim is sitting next to me.

You're going to sit in the back

left where I don't have to see your ugly moon gob.

- Okay, that is so mean. You know what?

- I'm not going. - I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Dwight. You're handsome.

You're a very handsome man. Get in the car.

(car door slams)

Woo hoo!

(car engine revs)

- We just passed the exit for Corcoran.

What? What? We did?

[Dwight and Michael] Surprise! Yaah!

Hahaha!

- Yes! Look at his face! Look at his face.

- What are we doing? - Egg dripping, blaah.

Dwight, what are we doing?

Well, Gee, Jim, I don't know.

I guess there's no sales call today.

- We are going on a panty raid to Utica.

Is what we're doing.

- We're going to Utica? - Uh huh!

(Dwight laughs)

I'm not going to Utica.

Yes, you are.

Oh, buckle up, Jim.

- No... - We are going to make Karen

wish that she had never been dumped by you.

(Michael and Dwight chanting) Utica! Utica! Utica!

- Yow! - I can't believe you guys.

I'm not going to go further and piss off my ex-girlfriend.

- Are you calling Karen? - No, I'm not calling Karen.

- He's lying. - Yeah, get it.

- What are you doing? Stop it! Dwight!

Gah! Hah!

Are you kidding me?

No communication with the outside world, Jim.

(Dwight laughs)

Had to be done.

- Well, that kind of sucks because

it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it.

That is too bad.

Shoot.

- Okay. - Hey, Dwight, he found it.

You know what? I'm just going to call a cab from here.

All right.

- You'll miss the best prank ever. - All right.

Wait.

What are you planning on doing?

Do you really want to know?

- Oh, God. - Follow me. Come here.

Here's what we brought.

We brought uniforms from the warehouse.

I brought silly string.

Dwight brought gasoline

and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.

- Or real bombs. - No, no. Not real bombs.

- Come on. It'll be so bad ass.

- Maybe. I don't know. It could be bad ass.

- Well.. - No. Absolutely

we're not doing this.

- Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas.

- It's going to be so bad ass! - Are you kidding me?

We've been driving around

with this in the trunk the whole time?

- Teach her to offer Stanley more money.

- Can you imagine a life where all

you have to do is summer in the Italian countryside?

I know, right?

I just want to go and look at art and swim in the Adriatic.

- And spend time with George Emerson.

- That's what I would do. - Absolutely.

He is great.

Totally!

I mean, come on. Such a free spirit.

What are you doing?

- Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forster novel.

(Andy sighs) Pam...

These finger sandwiches look finger licking delicious.

- I'm sorry, Andy, but this is a closed club.

The Finer Things Club is

the most exclusive club in this office.

Naturally, it's where I need to be.

The party planning committee is

my backup, and Kevin's band is my safety.

Fine.

I'll just

sit here in the common area and read my book,

which just happens to be the very same book you're reading.

All right.

Just know you're not in The Finer Things Club.

Why can't I be in a club?

So there was no sales call?

[Jim] No.

Turns out it was just a really

bad idea involving fire, but I think I fixed it.

- Wait, you're going along with this now?

I have to.

Pam, if I'm not there,

someone's going to go to jail or die.

- Right. And you wouldn't be able to talk to Karen.

- Well, I promise you, that has nothing to do with it.

A little bit.

- Well, yeah, I don't want to see her get physically harmed.

That's for sure.

- Because you love her? Because you love her very much?

- All right. I'm going to go now.

- Okay. Have fun with your girlfriend!

Okay, I will.

I'm kidding around.

We joke about that stuff all the time.

I'm not really the jealous type,

so I don't care if Jim sees Karen.

I care a little.

So the deal was

Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear costume.

And a mustache.

- So why did you and Karen break up?

- Was it the sex? - What?

- I can't imagine the sex being bad. I mean her body...

- You know what? Why don't we play that Alphabet

game that you were talking about?

Okay, I will start.

Umm... "A".

* Hey, my name is Alan, and my wife's name is Alice *

* We live in Alaska, and we sell... *

Damn! What do we sell? Umm...

Doesn't matter.

- I'm trying to think of what we could sell.

It doesn't matter.

(liquid splashing)

What is that?

That sound. The air conditioning leaking or something?

- That doesn't make sense. It couldn't be.

What is that?

(liquid splashing)

Dwight, are you peeing?

I'm peeing in this empty can.

- Oh, my God! - Man, that is disgusting!

- You said we couldn't make any more stops.

I really had to go.

- (car skids) - Michael, watch the road!

Hey! You're making me spray!

- I'll kill you, man! - Oh my God!

- Michael, Michael! Pull over!

Disgusting!

- I think I cut my penis on the lid.

- [Pam] I think it's interesting how Forster uses

Italy to represent sexuality and passion.

(coins clanking)

And that also brought up themes of fate and coincidence.

And Lucy is torn between these two things.

She's torn between passion and convention.

[Kevin] Damn it.

(banging)

(loud banging)

(indistinct)

[Kevin] Yes!

Dammit.

(microwave beeps)

- Made him sort of ahead of his time as a writer.

Very brave choice, I thought.

- And George, his youthfulness, his freedom, evokes

(beeping)

feelings.

Umm...

(beep beep beep)

(shouting) What are you, microwaving?

Popcorn.

- Why don't you use the microwave

in the kitchen, Phyllis?

- Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.

Okay.

(microwave whirring)

I think of the Finer Things Club

as a little flickering candle that everyone in the office is

trying to blow out with their bad breath.

- [Jim] I can't believe we're here.

I can't believe this is happening.

- [Dwight] Believe it. - Afro wig?

Do you want the afro wig?

- No, Michael, I'm not leaving the car.

- You could be our getaway, man. That's smart.

Keep the engine running.

- No, I am the "not participating in any way" man.

- Come on! - All right, Dwight.

Here's how it's going to go down.

You and I...

(whispering) Guy's going by. Shh,

You and I are going to sneak inside.

We pretend that we are warehouse workers.

And we will silly string the bejesus out of the place.

- And if we have to defend ourselves,

I will stab the security guard in the eye with the jumbo chalk.

- No! No, you won't do that. Nope.

- Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.

- Dwight, nothing with the eyes, please.

Okay, Jim.

- Oh, my God. That's her. That's her.

- Go go go go! - Let's move! Move move move!

Shut up!

This is the dumbest thing we've ever done.

- [Michael on radio] We are in the stairwell.

- [Dwight] We are climbing some stairs.

(heavy breathing)

- [Dwight] I am breathing heavily.

- Okay, you know what? You really don't need to be

updating me as much as you're updating me.

- [Michael] There's a guy, there's a guy.

- [Dwight] It's a security guard coming by.

Hello. We're warehouse workers.

- Would you like more proof? - [Guard] Hey.

- [Michael] Oh, my God. That was very close.

- [Dwight] I can see the security guard's eyes.

No, don't do anything to them!

- [Dwight] I have to do something to his eyes.

The eyes are the groin of the head.

- All right, Great Scott, if you found that choking

hazard poster, just head on home.

- [Michael] We got something far better.

Their crown jewel. They're industrial copier.

Isn't that thing huge?

- [Michael] It's enormous, but it's got wheels.

We're wheeling it down the hall into the stairwell.

Get the car ready. Keep the engine running.

No, that is a terrible idea.

Don't do this.

- [Michael] Aahh!!! (crashing sound)

[Dwight] My hip bone!

- [Michael] We're wedged between the copier and the railing.

Ow! God! My leg!

- Leave us, Jim! - Don't leave us!

- Save yourself! - Don't leave us. Help us.

We need help, Jim.

- Okay, first of all, stop using my name.

And second of all...

(Michael and Dwight arguing)

Damn it, guys.

Move over a little bit!

- I'm losing control of my bladder!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Karen is back.

- [Dwight] Is that Karen? - [Michael] Take her to a motel.

Make love to her, Jim.

No, I'm not doing that.

- [Michael] Say you want to get back together.

No, I'm not doing that.

- [Michael] It doesn't have to mean anything.

Just do it for Stanley. Come on, Jim.

Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley.

Oh, Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something...

- (taps on window) - Jim?

[Michael] Host the Dundies.

Hey, Karen.

- Uhh... What are you doing here?

First of all, Hi.

What are you doing here?

You good?

I'm just checking on the other branches.

Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so...

[Michael] Jim!

That's Michael right there. Hold on a sec.

Utica's all set. I'm going to head on to Albany.

- [Michael](moaning) There's a crow bar

in the trunk. Bring in the crow bar.

Why are you here?

I'm the getaway driver.

- [Dwight] Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier

Copy that.

- I cried for weeks over that guy.

So, yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser

in a lady's warehouse uniform felt pretty good.

They sprayed me in the eye.

Scranton rules!

Stop it! Stop it!

(Dwight moans)

Can you help me, please? I'm being crushed.

- And let me just add that as a member of the Finer Things

Club, I would bring a strong financial contribution to any

discretionary funds that we may have.

Finally, here's a recommendation

from former US Senator Rick Santorum.

Okay, that's enough.

Thanks, Andy.

He's going to ruin everything.

Oh, my God.

His letter of recommendation from Rick Santorum

- is three fifty dollar bills. - Wow.

Now we can afford hardcover books.

I like it just us three.

I don't want it to change.

Let me ask you.

Did you accomplish what you wanted?

- Listen, lady, you can expect these kind

of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.

I'm taking Stanley.

- And we will burn Utica to the ground.

(Michael clears his throat)

- Granted, maybe this was not the best idea.

But at least we care enough

about our employees that we are willing to fight for them.

And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head,

we will burn Utica to the ground.

- Jim, hang on a second. - Yes.

- So you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh?

- Yeah. Trying to quit, though.

If you wanted to see me,

you could have just called me like an adult.

- Oh, no, I didn't want to see you.

Not that I'm not happy to be seeing you right now.

I'm just saying, ultimately, I was here for the copier.

Equal. I'd say it was equal.

So, good to see you.

(phones ringing)

I mean, it's just that... (clears throat)

You know, Pam and I are still dating, so...

And I just mean that things are going really well.

So I didn't want to see you.

- Oh, things are going really well, are they?

They are? That's great. That's so great.

I want to hear more about how happy you are with Pam.

Can you tell me more about that?

Thank you so much for coming to Utica and breaking my copier

and telling me how well things are going in your relationship.

Really. Thank you.

- All right. You are welcome.

I am going to go because of traffic.

- Traffic. Yeah. - So...

- Go because of traff... Definitely beat the traffic.

I will...

- I wasn't that mad at him, but I needed time for Rolando

to put a scoop of tuna fish in their glove compartment.

- Would it have killed you to spend the afternoon making

love to her in a motel room like I begged you to?

Pam would have understood.

Heck, Pam would have done it.

Pam is down for anything.

You embarrassed me.

You embarrassed us.

- Yeah, we should have brought Andy.

I cut a chunk out of my penis for nothing.

- Dear Andrew Bernard, after carefully examining your

application to the Finer Things Club.

We are unable to offer you a position at this place in time.

We would, however,

like to place you on a list in case an opportunity arises

when your inclusion could be tolerated.

Your position as an ongoing

financial patron, however, is yours to cherish.

Sincerely, The Finer Things Club.

Yes! Woohoo!

Wait listed.

I got into Cornell off the wait list.

I went to Germany and did a photojournalism project called

the Berlin Wall Several Years Later.

Has anything really changed?

They ate it up.

Also, my dad went there.

He was a big donor.

I lived in Bernard Hall my freshman year.

So...

- (clears throat) - We tried and we failed.

Stanley, you

may go.

Here is a box

for your things.

But I doubt that that box will be able to contain

all the memories that you have of this place.

(Michael sighs)

Fly away, sweet little bird.

Fly away and be free.

Pam...

I'm going to need some help writing a want ad.

Umm...

Wanted...

Middle aged black man with sass.

Big butt, bigger heart.

(knock on door) I can't do this.

Michael?

A word?

Of course.

I changed my mind.

I want to keep this job.

- Really? - Yes.

Because of the rapport we have

because of the family that we have here?

- Yeah. That's exactly the reason.

I wasn't really planning on leaving.

All I wanted was a raise.

How on Earth did Michael call my bluff?

Is he some sort of secret genius?

(Stanley chuckles)

Sometimes I say crazy things.

Hey.

- I'm so sorry. Rolando told me everything.

How humiliating.

Would it help you to return to another age?

A time of refinement and civility?

Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club?

(Andy gasps)

Oh, come on!

Frankie's prose is finer than a pot of gold.

Say I.

Okay.

Did you get it out of your system?

Yup.

No, I mean, I really liked it. Thought it was a fun read.

Fun? Really?

- Yeah. - What was fun about it for you?

Was it the death of the twins?

No, that wasn't fun.

Did you even read it?

Of course I read it.

[Oscar] How does it end?

Who's the main character?

Angela.

Nope.

Ashes.

(upbeat music)