Original subtitles

Coat.

- Michael just rented "The Devil Wears Prada".

He has his Netflix sent here to the office

and he watches them in pieces when things are slow.

Steak!

Where's why steak?

He's a big Meryl Streep fan.

So I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified

with her character.

Get me Armani.

A suit?

- On the phone. - Like the main company number?

'Cause I'm gonna have to call information.

Where's Armani?

He's on the phone, too slow.

You're not going to Paris.

I'm so much better than you. (laughs)

(door opens)

(door closes)

I owe you an apology.

You finished the movie.

Yeah, it was awesome.

Big surprise ending, I won't ruin it for you.

No, go ahead.

- Meryl Streep is the bad guy, never see it coming.

Anyway, if I was mean in any way to you, I'm sorry.

I just want what's best for you, Minushka.

- Macushla, he's watching "Million Dollar Baby".

He's gonna try to kill me.

(upbeat music)

Hey dude.

I'm shaking them.

We're gonna sneeze, one second.

Okay.

What's a good word?

Hi.

Oh, hello.

How you doing?

Good.

What is that, a picnic?

Ah no, curtain samples.

Ah, well look at me.

Living the Dulce de Leche.

I'm a very, very lucky man.

You know, who loves interior design?

My friend, Todd Packer.

He, he's always asking if Jan's carpet matches her drapes.

He now although he says,

that he prefers it when there is no carpet,

which doesn't make sense because I've been to his apartment

and there is shag carpeting all over the place.

So I guess people's design sensibilities change.

How's everyone doing?

Um you know what,

I'm sort of in the middle of something.

You want to wait in my office I'll be right in.

- Oh yeah, sure. Okay, great.

Hi Dwight, how are you?

[Dwight] Hi Jan.

Jim?

- So what are we talking about here?

- We weren't talking about anything, you just walked up.

Yes I did, walked up.

You know what, I read a few years ago, that power walking,

it's supposed to be very good for you.

And then I read another article that said exercise

is supposed to be good for you.

So, who do you believe?

Jan is waiting for you.

Yes, I know she is Stanley.

I know.

So this one goes with my eyes

and this one goes with your eyes.

People have said I have very pretty eyes.

You do.

- I haven't heard the same about you.

So let's just go with mine.

Well, they both go with the carpet that I've ordered

and if we go with the brown leather on the sofas

and they go with that too.

We already have a sofa.

So why don't-

A futon's not a sofa.

It folds up.

You've only seen it flat.

- I know what a futon is Michael.

- Okay, How much is this gonna cost?

- It costs what it costs. No, don't.

- That doesn't even anything. - We've gone through this.

Okay we have gone through this,

Yes.

Money has been a little bit tight lately,

but at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht,

am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have?

No, I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have

and my children and my comedy albums.

I mean I have a yacht,

so I obviously did pretty well money-wise.

It's just, you know, you say it's gonna cost what it costs-

(phone rings)

Yeah.

- [Erin] Michael it's Ryan for you.

Ah, conniving little rut.

Put him through.

Put him through.

Yes Ryan, my man.

- [Ryan] I sent you an email about the new PowerPoint.

Yes.

Thank you for sending that to me.

- [Ryan] I had IT install the updated PowerPoint

on your computer so you can use it for the presentation.

I really want people there using PowerPoint.

Okay.

Yeah. No, I don't know.

I don't know, I think those IT guys messed up.

- [Ryan] Hold on I'll get them on the phone.

- Well you know, here it is, here it is found it.

Sure, I can hold.

(phone rings)

- Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute.

Please hold.

Schrute Farms, guten tag.

How can I help you?

Yes, we have availability on those nights.

How many in your party?

Oh no, I'm sorry.

No king beds.

No queen either.

Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform

to the traditional sizes.

Closest would be twin.

Thank you so much for calling, call back again.

Auf wiedersehen.

Hey Dwight.

None of your business, Jim.

You running bed and breakfast?

It is not a B&B.

Agritourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast.

It consists of tourists coming to a farm,

showing them around,

giving them a bed,

giving them breakfast.

- Does the Department of Health know about this?

I am not telling you anything.

Permits are pending.

Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.

- [Pam] Hello? I'm looking for a room.

- Okay this is a misuse of company phones.

- It says here you cater to the elderly.

Where did you read that?

TripAdvisor.

- TripAdvisor is the lifeblood of the agritourism industry.

A couple of bad reviews there,

you may as well close up shop.

That's what took down the Stalk Inn,

one of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.

How many in your party?

Two.

- We offer tours of the fields and of the barn.

Perhaps you'd be interested

in Moses' table-making demonstration.

So tonight is available.

Can I put you down?

How many people?

Ah just one second, please.

Sure thing.

(phone rings)

Hello?

- Do you wanna stay at Schrute Farms tonight?

- Wow, we had been wanting to get away.

- So I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.

Oh, actually I need the car.

Why?

For improv?

Oh why don't you just pretend that you have a car,

good practice in case you ever do a scene where you need

to pretend you have a car.

- Used to have two cars, traded them in.

Now we're down to one, good economic sense.

Although the new car is a Porsche for her.

One cardigan.

One sleeping cardigan.

One sleep apnea mask.

What about my cherub figurine?

You took that with you.

- No, I left it on my night table, your night table,

by the lamp.

You are incorrect.

I was recently scrubbing my room of memories

and I didn't see it there.

Fine.

- My girlfriend and I broke up recently

and I must say I am relieved.

It gives me a chance to sell my wild oats.

In the Schrute family,

we have a tradition where when the male has sex

with another woman, he's rewarded with a bag of wild oats

left on his doorstep by his parents.

You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread,

whatever you want.

I don't care.

They're your oats.

- The bar uses an applause meter.

That is why it is so important that you all come

and applaud only for my band, Scrantonicity 2.

Not Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of.

Michael, can I count on you?

- You cannot I have a thing tonight.

Damn it.

Uh Michael.

What?

- That reminds me if the invitation still stands,

Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight.

Oh no.

I have a thing tonight, stinks.

Darn it.

Shoot.

- What do you got going on tonight?

- You wouldn't understand, it's a secret.

- I wouldn't understand or it's a secret?

- You won't understand Jim, it's a secret?

(bus engine roaring)

- [Michael] I'm sorry Mr. O'Brien,

I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner.

I just have a very exciting offer.

My records indicate that you have expressed interest

in losing some weight.

Well, what if I told you that I have a pill

that will make you 50 pounds lighter in five minutes?

How would that sound?

Amazing right?

Well, it won't be that fast,

but it will, it will be that easy.

- [Jim] I can't believe this place is real.

I mean, I had heard about his beet farm for years,

but I never thought-

The Beets Motel.

The Beets Motel.

That is wow.

Thank you.

The Borscht Hotel.

Ah.

The Embassy Beets Radish Inn.

I'm sorry ma'am,

I thought you were on our do-call registry.

My apologies.

Listen, while having on the line, let me ask you a question.

In a perfect world, how much would you weigh?

I just love sales.

I love it to death, it's as simple as that.

And I don't get to do enough of it as a manager.

So I took this second job, kind of as a hobby.

Some people have golf for relaxing.

What's going on here?

Hey, I just got off the phone

and I was gonna make another call.

- We're a legit operation with a license from the city,

I can show you.

We pay minimum wage against commission.

Nope, they're with me so,

this is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars.

- Diet pills is a good business, high turnover.

We don't pay well, but so what?

They just read from the script.

Some stay a month.

Vikram has been here the longest.

You want to talk to a good salesman?

You talk to Vikram.

- Well I'm the only one who's not lazy.

- We have three rooms, each with a different theme.

What are the themes?

- America, irrigation and nighttime.

Irrigation.

Nice.

I'll put you down irrigation.

Now then, do you have any special needs

or dietary restrictions?

- Yes, we will be requiring a bedtime story.

No.

Not even Harry Potter?

No Jim, come on.

- [Mose] But you promised-

Mose bags, now.

(door slams)

How will you be paying?

I got this one.

There you go.

- I'm sorry, we only take MasterCard or Diners Club.

You take Diners Club?

Ah, Pam, Diners Club?

No.

Dwight, Diners Club?

I have a Diners Club card.

Great, let's put on that.

I'll pay you back.

Very well.

(group chattering)

- Everybody in the conference room in five minutes.

These meetings are useless.

- I just wanna remind you to stick to the script.

It's been proven to work.

So make the call, say the lines, make the sale.

Got it?

Very inspirational.

(group laughs)

- We're offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy

with the most sales, okay?

Or woman?

Or train seal.

- You can make jokes when you've made a sale there rookie.

Okay?

[Dwight] Here we are.

The irrigation room, very special room.

So I'll come and get you before

the table-making demonstration.

And as of this morning,

we are completely wireless here at Schrute Farms.

But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires,

we'll get that power back on.

Alrighty.

Hmm.

Hmm, I'd say one in six.

What?

- I thought you asked me what our chances,

we're being murdered here tonight.

(Pam chuckles)

You know I just realized,

this is Pam's and my first night away together.

I used to play it over my head

and it was just a little bit different.

Maybe a nice hotel or a romantic dinner, wine,

but wine that wasn't made out of beets.

Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all.

And I, I always imagined less manure.

I mean some manure, just less.

Mose what are you doing?

No Mose.

Put the, put the manure down, put it down.

Do not throw it, do not, aw.

Yes is Mr. Hudson there?

- [Mr. Hudson] Yeah, who is this?

I'm just calling because you responded positively to-

[Mr. Hudson] Michael?

Stanley?

- [Mr. Hudson] Why are you calling me here at home?

- Señor are you happy with your long-distance survey?

- [Mr. Hudson] Micheal, Michael I know that's you.

Why are you calling me here at home?

- Have you con, have you considered satellite television?

- [Mr. Hudson] Michael, I know that's you.

I know your voice.

All right.

- [Mr. Hudson] Why are you calling me here at home?

- [Customer] When I'm at home at night in my own house,

in my sweats drinking some red wine,

watching my mystery stories.

The last thing in the whole god-forsaken world

I wanna hear is the voice of Michael Scott.

- Well, your son sounds like he's really motivated.

I think it's crazy that the coach won't play him frankly.

My office.

You bet.

- Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script.

Say those words exactly, got it?

I don't know why we have to keep having this conversation.

- Look, I know sales and I had that sale.

I just needed a few more minutes.

- To seal the deal. - A few more minutes,

is a waste of our time.

- It's not a waste of time. - It's a trading game.

No.

- You give a quick pitch. You make the sale and move on.

That's how Vikram does it.

- Vikram doesn't have my people skills.

- Good for Vikram because he outsells you every night.

- Now, I hope this conversation has helped.

- "And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand

and felt Voldemort's surge of vicious anger,

saw the frail old man on the floor writhe in agony, 'Harry'.

It was over as quickly as it had come.

Harry stood shaking in the darkness,

clutching the gate into the garden, his heart racing."

- You know what, here's the thing about "Die Hard 4",

"Die Hard 1", the original,

John McClane is just this normal guy, you know.

He's just a normal New York City cop who gets his feet cut

and he gets beat up.

But he's an everyday guy,

in "Die Hard 4", he is jumping a motorcycle

into a helicopter in the air.

Yeah.

You know.

- He's invincible. - [Colleague] Totally.

- It's just sort of loss with "Die Hard 1",

it's not "Terminator".

- Dude, you should review movies.

Oh my God, yes.

- I'm telling you, yeah you should.

I actually wrote a movie.

Really?

I'm writing one, yeah.

[Colleague] What's that about?

Um, sort of a spy thriller.

Hey what's so captivating?

I love captivating things.

And this must really be captivating

because it's keeping you off the phones.

I mean time is your money.

That's how I know how captivating it is

because how much time you've spent talking.

(door bangs)

- [Jim] Wait, you're going out there?

[Pam] Yeah, coward.

(thumping sound)

Oh my God.

What century is this?

- Are there any circumstances where you would be interested?

[Customer] No.

What if these were magic pills

that could make you invisible?

Want a big bottle then, right?

And a map to the sorority shower.

- [Customer] I don't want diet pills.

Okay.

Hey, how about this?

Um, you run a dental practice, right?

You use paper.

I can get you all that you need from a top company,

30 cents a ream.

[Customer] Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- [Customer] That's way below the company I use.

Staples?

[Customer] Dunder Mifflin.

- Well, good luck with all your weight loss, blah, blah.

[Colleague Man] Michael,

a bunch of us are going to get dinner, you in?

- Oh no, I'm brown-bagging it tonight.

- [Colleague Man] Ah. - [Colleague Woman ] Ah.

Come on it'll be fun, you never eat with us.

[Colleague Man] Come on.

Another time, thanks.

- See you later. - One of these days Michael.

Okay.

What'd you get tonight?

- Oh, it looks like mixed masala, eggplant and rice.

Oh that looks good.

- And what about you, a peanut butter flavor again?

- I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening.

Enjoy.

Thank you.

I was a sergeant back home.

- Really? - Yeah.

- I wonder what I would have been back home.

Well this is your home.

Well, I don't know.

But it's so competitive here.

What's a dollar worth in your land?

Medical school must cost like 40 bucks

or a dockie or something?

Ah no.

- I would have been Chief of Surgery.

Or a cowboy.

(Dwight wails)

[Pam] Ah, your turn.

(floor creaks)

(door knock)

- [Dwight] Come in, did you have another nightmare.

Hey Dwight.

Oh, Jim.

I thought you were Mose.

Does Mose have nightmares?

Oh yes, ever since the storm.

Is everything satisfactory with your stay?

Yeah, yeah.

[Dwight] Great.

- Just thought I heard crying or moaning

or something in here.

- Oh, well I'll look into that in the morning.

Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.

Goodnight Dwight.

(Dwight wails)

- Hey, so we're all gonna go out for a beer.

You wanna come?

- We'd love for you to come, Michael.

- Thanks no, I have to work in the morning so.

All right next time dude.

It's okay.

See you guys.

Hey, how you doing?

You drive, had too much wine.

Okay.

How was yoga?

I didn't go.

Why, why not?

Just didn't.

Okay.

How was improv?

Goodnight Vikram.

Goodnight.

Hey, congrats on the bonus.

Thank you, Michael.

- I'm gonna have one of these nights.

- Well, if you concentrate and make your calls faster yeah.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Pam,

you don't think they'll mind if we take the shampoo, do you?

- Uh-uh

Okay.

(door slams)

Thank you Mose.

Everybody poops.

Yes, I do.

- There's no other way to get rid of the food.

Where's the Dwight?

Gone.

Where'd he go?

His day place.

The office.

What office?

Hmm.

- Mose, Angela hasn't been around here much lately, has she?

Angela?

- Angela, she used to stay here sometimes.

Angela

(door slams)

Michael.

Hmm.

Morning.

Hi.

(door slams)

Hey Dwight, how are you?

Pam.

You okay?

- I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.

- You left so early, I figured you'd get here before us.

- Yeah, well maybe I went to the gym

and did a thousand sit-ups

and a thousand pushups and a thousand pull-ups.

Did you?

- Maybe I walked around downtown Scranton,

listening to awesome music on my Walkman.

Did you?

- I sat in my car by a lake somewhere.

Hey guys.

What's happening?

How's my favorite branch doing?

Okay, Michael why don't you start us off?

- Um, that wasn't much of an introduction.

- Ladies and gentlemen, your boss, Michael Scott.

Still lame, okay.

All right, um.

Thank you Ryan, for that wonderful introduction.

Okay, um.

Today, we're going to be talking about PowerPoint,

PowerPoint, PowerPoint, PowerPoint.

Yes I forgot about Ryan's presentation

and yes it would have been nice to do well

with the first presentation that he'd given me.

But you know what else would have been nice?

Winning the lottery.

And the best way to start is to hit, start.

and up comes the toolbar.

That's what she said.

What we have to do here is go to run.

And then you look up to PowerPoint

and we are in.

We are going to register.

You hit register.

Updates are ready, I should update.

Estimated time, 12 minutes.

So this should take about 5 or 10 minutes.

- This is the first time you've opened PowerPoint.

Why?

- You didn't prepare a presentation at all, did you?

You know what I had a really rough night

and my boss can back me up on that.

I'm your boss.

My other boss, Mr Figaro.

You have another job.

- What I do between 5:30 PM and 1:00 AM

is nobody's business but mine and my other businesses.

Are you cocktail waitress?

- You cannot have a second job if it affects your work here.

It won't.

It did, already.

Okay honestly,

it is unlikely that I was gonna figure this out anyway.

(Kelly laughs)

You're so funny.

Why is Darryl here?

He works in the warehouse.

I invited him.

It's not a party.

Darryl back downstairs, this isn't the information you need.

This information here?

Yeah, you're right. I don't need this.

Okay.

(Kelly moans)

Hey, come on.

Um, see you later tonight.

I've got plans later.

Okay, bye honey.

- How long until you actually get this presentation ready?

- Why don't you do this presentation?

- Because I don't want- - I mean you know

how to do it.

- What I really want honestly Michael,

is for you to know it,

so that you can communicate it to the people here

to your clients, to whomever.

Oh okay.

What?

It's whoever not whomever.

No to whomever.

- No whomever is never actually right.

No sometimes it's right.

Michael is right.

It's a made-up word used to trick students.

- No, actually whomever is the formal version of the word.

Obviously it's a real word,

but I don't know when to use it correctly.

Not a native speaker.

I know what's right,

but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks

who didn't come see my band last night.

- Do you really know which one is correct?

I don't know.

- It's whom when it's the object of the sentence,

then who, when it's the subject?

That sounds right.

- Well it sounds right, but is it?

- How did Ryan use it as an object?

- As an object? - Ryan used me as an object.

- Is he right about that-

How did he use it again?

- It was, Ryan wanted Michael, the subject

to explain the computer system the object,

to whomever, meaning us the indirect object,

which is the, the correct usage of the word.

- No one asked you anything ever.

So whomever's name is Toby.

Why don't you take a letter opener

and stick it into your skull?

Wait, this doesn't matter.

And I don't even care.

Michael, you quit the job or you're fired here.

(door opens)

- Okay um, I'm about to quit my full-time job.

My second full-time job at the diet pill company,

have a long story,

but I think I basically covered it by now.

Um, I've never done this before.

I've never quit anything in my life.

So you are filming history right here.

Okay, all right.

Let's rock and roll.

Let's do it.

Nick,

I had a dream last night that I had two full-time jobs.

One here at the Lippafredizone diet pill company.

Lipophedrine.

And the other,

I was a regional manager of a small paper supply company

called Dunder Mifflin.

Never heard of it.

- In this dream, I did both of these jobs beautifully

and I loved it.

And everybody loved me.

The truth is, I can't do this.

I don't have any time to eat.

I don't have any time to sleep.

- Then when did you have this dream?

I made it up, Nick.

Are you quitting?

I am.

Come back anytime.

Don't forget to disinfect your headset.

- I was never in this for the money,

but it turns out that the money

was an absolute necessity for me.

I tried to live the dream.

I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job,

and I failed.

But the good thing about the American Dream,

is that you can just go to sleep and try it all again,

My biggest worry would probably be my mortgage.

Um, my second biggest would be the fear of death,

um while being destitute.

My third,

well I'm having nightmares about a monster who's chasing me,

who wants money, but I have none, um.

- In the winter we have snowball fights,

in the fall and the summer,

Mose has to make do with whatever he can find.

Last week, he built a manure man, almost as big as himself.

What are you...

I am gonna kill you.

Ahhh (spits)

Ahhh (spits)

It got in my mouth! Damn it Mose!

(gentle piano music)

(upbeat music)