Original subtitles

How are we doing on time?

The party starts in an hour.

- 60 minutes. 60 minutes, that's a lot of minutes.

Well, corporate is throwing this gigantic, lavish,

gold-encrusted sushi gala

that Ryan didn't invite any of us to.

All I wanna do is throw a party

that makes Ryan's party look like Stanley and Phyllis' desk.

These are some things that I would like to have happen.

- "Beer, light beer, streamers, orchids,

better lighting, something made of ice"?

- (agrees) Those are just things.

This is how I want it to feel.

- "Pizza, pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms,

white pizza, steak?"

- I would like this party to be sexier,

cooler, more important.

"Chocolates, someone famous?"

- [Scott] Yes. - "Cool music,

confetti, go-go dancers?"

- I want it to embarrass all other parties.

I want it to be a party that the guys in New York

watch on the webcam and say,

"Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?"

I can't do this.

- [Scott] Yes, you can. - I can't do it!

Yes, you can. I know you can.

I wouldn't say that if I didn't 100% believe it.

Who else could do this?

- Okay. Okay. - No, seriously.

Is there anyone else who could do it better?

Because we don't have a lot of time.

I'll get the pizza!

("The Office Theme" by Daniel Tidwell)

- (whispering) What do you think of Angela?

Jesus!

I think she's efficient.

No, not like that. As a woman.

W-O-M-A-N.

I hadn't noticed.

- You hadn't noticed she's a woman?

I hear she's single and ready to mingle,

and she does make me tingle.

Yeah, there's just something about her.

All that strength and steeliness and righteousness

all wrapped up tight

and shoved into a tiny little delicate frame.

I'm thinking about making a play for her.

What do you think? Crazy, right?

- I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.

Isn't that part of the fun?

- No. I think you should date Kelly.

- She works here, too. How is that any different?

Uh, she works in the annex.

You're also welcome to date Toby.

Okay.

They say you should never mix business with pleasure.

Really?

Well then explain to me

how a putt putt golf company operates. (exhales sharply)

Good news!

We get to go home?

Guess who just ordered

from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?

Wait.

Alfredo's Pizza Cafe? Or Pizza By Alfredo?

Same thing.

- No. - You really screwed it up.

(group groans and grumbles)

All right, you know what?

I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!

Oscar, talk to him.

- Michael, there's a very big difference

between these two pizza places.

Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste.

Which one did you order from?

(paper rustling)

Pizza By Alfredo.

(group groaning)

All right, you know what?

Okay, okay, what is better?

A medium amount of good pizza,

or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?

- [All] Medium amount of good pizza.

(Michael sighs)

- Oh, no, it's bad. It's real bad!

It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.

(air blowing)

What is going on here?

- Angela needs me to blow up 50 balloons

and find a famous person.

- Stanley was an extra in "Philadelphia."

So, just ask him.

Really?

(Jim agrees)

- That would be fun for everyone.

I think so.

Stanley!

What?

(whispering) Oh, yeah.

So you're gonna wanna go through his agent.

[Pam] (whispering) Okay.

- (whispering) They get very testy about that stuff.

- (whispering) Right. - Angela.

What kinda music?

(papers rustling)

- "Something cool that Ryan doesn't know about yet."

- How am I supposed to know what that is?

I don't know.

But standing here's not gonna give you the answer. Go!

Tonight, my party will be broadcast out

to five other states.

Which means it will be compared to Denise Dim's party

in Buffalo.

Any idiot can defrost a microwavable horderves platter.

And Denise proves that with every party she throws.

Oh, and Denise?

Stop telling people your hair is naturally curly.

We all know you get perms.

- (sighs) You can pick one of these things.

It's unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this.

- It should take you no time at all

if you put the care into it that you normally do.

(notes crumpling)

Ow!

That seemed to shut her up.

- You looking for dinner and a movie?

'Cause you're not gonna find it in that box.

It just so happens I know where you can find it.

But again...

Not in the box.

Angela, are you hearing words that I'm saying?

What?

Hello.

I have been working on a party for three weeks

that just got thrown out the window.

So now I have to pull together a whole new party.

And my useless number two quit,

so now there's no one in charge of orchids,

chocolates, or the thing that's made of ice.

And my upper back itches, and it's itched all day,

and I can't reach it.

And Kevin had Greek food for lunch again!

- No. I will not be playing it cool with Angela.

Let me tell you a little story.

When I was seventeen,

I was wait listed at my number one school.

Even though I was a legacy

and I like a thousand extra curriculars.

Mostly drama, madrigals, barbershop club...

I was wait listed. Did I wait on that list? No I did not.

I busted into the admissions office

and I (singing) sang them the reasons

they should admit me to the school!

And guess what? I got in!

And here's the kicker.

That school?

Cornell.

(computer mouse clicking)

- Cop pulled me over for driving too slow.

She caught up to me on her bike.

Not a motorcycle, a bicycle.

(sighs) As she kept pointing out.

Damn it!

Is that traffic school?

[Toby] Yeah.

- Because we're not supposed to be doing personal stuff

at work.

[Toby] Yeah.

- Because yesterday, when I was taking the online quiz

about trying to find my ideal weight for my frame,

you said that wasn't appropriate.

I remember.

- [Kelly] Just reiterating what you said to me.

Thanks, Kelly.

- The lady cop acted like she never pulled someone over

for driving too slow.

I tried to get out of it

with the famous "Toby Flenderson Ten Thousand-Watt Smile."

It didn't work.

(phone ringing)

Yup?

- [Pam] The Pizza By Alfredo guy is here.

- You don't have to say it like that.

[Pam] I said it normal.

[Scott] Hey!

- Hey. $63.50, and that's not including tip.

Right.

I have a coupon, so half of $63.50

and half the tip on $63.50 would make it...

- Half-off coupons only apply to orders of two pizzas.

Yeah, no.

I told them on the phone I was ordering eight pizzas.

- I don't care you told them on the phone,

that's our policy.

You didn't actually think

that I was going to spend 60 bucks on pizza?

- [Kevin] It's not pizza! - Okay.

It doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon,

and if it's your policy, it should say it on the coupon.

What do you mean? (grunts)

Not my problem.

It is your problem.

That's no way to do business, okay?

I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon,

so I would like eight pizzas for half-off.

End of story.

It's a great story.

It's $63.50, and that's not including tip.

I'm not giving that to you.

- Well, then you're not getting your pizzas.

No. No! You're not, no!

You are not going anywhere!

You're going to stay here until we figure this out!

What?

You know what?

This young man needs to learn

that that's not how you treat people!

I don't care if it's pizza!

Good business is about respect and accountability

and follow-through.

You don't just make promises

and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you?

Dwight, please escort this young man

into the conference room.

Right now! Get into the conference room.

I'm not going in there!

- Yeah, you are! Yeah, you are! And you will come out

when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza.

Please. Thank you!

This is stupid.

- No! You don't even know what stupid is!

It's about to get all stupid up in here!

You find anything?

- We think it's a straightforward kidnapping.

- Stanley, could you look up accomplices?

Why can't you guys do it?

- Because we're looking up jail time.

Fine.

- "Kidnapping is the asportation of a person

against the person's will."

What?

So Michael 'asported' him.

I've seen this kid before.

He's one of the kids that sneaks onto my farm

and steals my hemp.

Yeah, I know that guy.

He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.

(paper rustling)

- You ready to give me my discount now?

No.

(inhales sharply) Okay.

What have you been doing in here this whole time?

What kind of business is this?

We're a paper company.

The best paper company in the whole wide world, okay?

Alright. Dwight, knock it off.

You'd better think about what you are doing, young man.

- You better think about what you're doing.

- No! I'm an adult. I don't have to think or do anything!

You're a kid.

You're a little, snot-nosed punk kid

who thinks he's better than everybody else,

because he's some hotshot.

And you don't know anything about sales!

So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay?

Sales?

Yes, sales. You sell pizza.

Last time I checked, that's called sales.

You're such a loser.

What did you just call him?!

A loser.

What did you say?!

- [Pizza Guy] A loser. - What?

- [Pizza Guy] A loser. - What was that word?

- Okay, stop. Stop. Stop getting him to say it!

You just made this worse. A whole lot worse.

I can make him talk, Michael.

I don't know.

- [Dwight] Michael! - [Pam] Michael!

- I'm not going to jail again. - [Stanley] We are accomplices.

- [Michael] Stop talking all at once!

You need to let him go.

Let go of little jerk boy?

Before he has learned his lesson?

- Yes. - You know what, Jim?

The world would be a better place

if the world were held accountable for their actions.

- Yes, but not by kidnapping them.

I'm not kidnapping him.

I'm keeping him until I get what I want.

As a hostage.

- I think you're overthinking it.

- (whispering) I think you're under thinking it.

Yes! Is Alfredo there?

May I speak to a manager, then.

Okay, can you tell the manager

that I am keeping his delivery kid

until I get my discount on the eight pizzas I ordered?

Yes, I know it is not on the coupon.

Also, I would him to throw in two...

Three pizzas, um,

Just for our...

- Ransom. - Trouble.

Okay. Alright.

(phone clattering)

What'd he say?

He said no.

- So we should let him go. - No. No.

[Jim] (whispering) Okay.

(computer mouse clicking)

(Toby sighing)

- How to describe Toby's driving...

Imagine the movie "The Fast and the Furious?" Right.

Imagine you're on your way to the theater to see it,

and there's a guy in a Subaru

in front of you going 17 miles per hour.

He won't let you pass him, has his hazards on.

Also, he's sweating profusely. That's Toby.

You know the octagon sign means stop.

Colorblind.

- An octagon is a shape. You can see shapes, can't you?

- It's out of context. This is not the same as driving.

- You know how your grandmother wants to keep driving

her car to assert her independence

but she's the worst driver ever?

That's Toby.

Except my grandmother is a little better driver than that.

Listen up, kid!

(balloon pops)

I don't like you.

But because some town in Switzerland says so,

you have rights.

You will be fed.

You will be given a bathroom break every third hour.

And you will be given the opportunity to exercise.

(door knocking)

I have to hang these.

- Why are you looking at her like that?

Hey!

(door slamming)

What's going on?

- Michael just called the pizza place

with a list of demands.

- Mr. Overdramatic. What's up, Kevin?

- We're getting hungry out there.

- We're all accomplices now anyway,

so we figured we might as well eat.

We would like to order some good pizza,

from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe,

while we wait for the hostage situation

with the bad pizza to end.

In every good hostage movie

during the part where it gets really tense

and you don't know whether the bad guys

are going to let the hostages go free,

the cops order pizza.

I needed another hour.

It could have been done in another hour.

I think it looks good.

- That's why you're not in charge, Meredith.

- Here you are, my dear. One thing made of ice.

How did you...

Where'd you...

- It's just ice. It'll melt all over the floor.

- Will you help me put it over there?

[Andy] Yes, I will.

- Okay. - Excuse me.

(whispering) I stole it.

(people chattering)

Thank God.

Michael?

Ryan wants to introduce the branch managers

in a few minutes.

You just have to wave and introduce yourself.

- I'll just wave and introduce myself.

- Hey. Quick question. - Yeah?

If I take a pizza,

do you think you could take some sodas

and some napkins up to the roof?

I'm all over it.

Oh good!

What do we got here?

- Good pizza. - Yeah?

Cheese? Or do we have other flavors?

Different stuff.

Which one is this? Perfect.

A toast! I'm gonna make it good.

To avoiding a class-two felony charge.

(Pam giggles)

Do you remember what you said to me on my first day at work,

just before you walked me over to my desk?

Yeah.

"Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back

to this time before you met your desk mate, Dwight."

And that's why I knew. You?

- You came up to my desk and you said,

"This might sound weird,

and there's no reason for me to know this,

but that mixed-berry yogurt

you're about to eat has expired."

- That was the moment that you knew you liked me?

Yup.

Wow.

Can we make it a different moment?

- Nope. - Oh.

- Can I start talking? Is this thing on?

Give me a signal when you want me to start.

- And now from my old hometown, Scranton, Pennsylvania,

my former boss, Michael Scott.

- Hey, I just think you should know

that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer.

So take that, (censored)!

Always a jokester.

How about that image? Crystal clear.

- If anyone out there is listening,

I am being held here against my will.

(whispering) I'm a minor.

Ow! What are you doing?

- You said your upper back itched.

- I didn't ask you to scratch it.

Look, Angela.

I know this is weird because we work together,

and because up until, and possibly including now,

I've repulsed you.

(inhales sharply) But I like you.

I'm not dating you.

- So Angela is stubborn as a mule.

She's giving off fairly strong vibes

that she's not interested.

But do I like her or not?

Because if I like her, then I can't back down.

- If you're going number one, you've got 10 more seconds!

Hey! (whispering) The way I see it, it's getting late.

And the only thing standing between you and a warm bed

is my friend's pizza discount.

So, what do you say?

Oh, so that's how it's going to be.

Well, I can stay here all night if I have to.

I've done it before.

I'm not scared of you.

(streamer flapping)

(Pizza Guy sighing)

- (sighs) Hey, have you seen Jim?

- I guess he wanted to get out of here

before the cops find out.

(Michael sighs)

(Dwight yelling)

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?!

I'm just scaring him.

Now the trick is to make him think

you're gonna do something to him.

I can hear you, man.

- Shut up, or I'm gonna punch you in the throat!

- Hey, hey, hey, stop it. Stop it!

No. God. Oh my God!

Oh my God. Oh, no. No. (gasps)

(whispering) I kidnapped a kid!

- (whispering) You had to. What other choice did you have?

- (whispering) I could have paid for the pizza.

Well, yeah.

Want me to get him to not talk?

- (whispering) No. Worse, worse, you're making it worse.

Oh my God.

Is there anyway you can get him to not talk

without making it worse?

I don't think so, no.

(sighs) Oh my God. Oh my God.

He's seen our faces.

We should have blindfolded him when he first came in-

- How does that help?! How does that help, Dwight?

(phone ringing)

This is Michael.

- [Ryan] Hello, Michael. This is Ryan.

First off, thanks for the shout out.

- You're breaking up. I can't hear you.

- [Ryan] And why is there a kid on your webcam

saying that he's being held against his-

Mm 'kay.

I want you to go in there

and pay him for the pizzas and give him a generous tip,

no more than 10%.

What will you do?

- (whispering) I will open the door.

(whispering) Yeah.

- (whispering) And hopefully he will walk out.

(whispering) And the rest is out of our hands.

So I'm paying full price?

[Michael] (whispering) Yes.

- Here you go, 65. You know what?

Here's two more.

See ya. Drive safely.

Okay.

(inhales sharply) Now what?

- Now we wait and hope that nothing happens.

Alright.

Oh, I assume I'm going to be reimbursed for the pizzas?

- (whispering) Not now, Dwight. Please, not the time.

- I was a little buzzed, but I knew what I was doing.

(Jim disagrees)

You looked so surprised!

- Yeah, I didn't know you were gonna kiss me that night!

One needs to prepare for these things.

(Pam laughs)

- What did you write on the Christmas card?

What's that?

- When I got the teapot from Dwight,

there was a card which I put on my desk

and after you came up to talk to me, it was gone.

I don't, uh...

What? Why won't you tell me!

I'm with you now. You got me.

Will you tell me some day?

No. I won't.

(Pam groans)

This is nice.

- All we're missing now is the fireworks.

(Pam giggles)

Dwight and Kevin were lighting them off in the parking lot.

What are you talking about?

- The last time we were up here on our first date.

Yes, that's what it was, our first real date.

They were lighting fireworks.

Very funny.

(Jim laughs)

We were on the roof

and Dwight and Kevin were lighting fireworks?

- Yeah! It was right after we read Michael's screenplay.

- Oh, I remember that! Agent Michael Scarn.

Right.

(Pam giggles)

And then we came up and ate dinner.

- Jim, I don't want to take this memory away from you.

It sounds so lovely.

- Yeah right. There's no way you don't remember that!

- Okay, I'm going to say something

and I don't want you to get upset.

Are you sure you weren't up here with someone else?

Like, Karen maybe?

Karen? No!

- Or Katie? - Katie?!

Pam, you have to remember this.

It bought me hope for like another year.

(keyboard clicking)

Yeah!

(phone ringing)

Hello? Hey. Hang on a second.

(phone ringing)

Hello? Hang on.

(phone clattering)

* If you change your mind *

* I'll be first in line *

* Honey I'm still free *

* Take chance on me *

* If you need me let me know *

* Going to be around *

* If you got no place to go *

* If you're feeling down *

* If you're all alone *

* When the pretty birds have flown *

* Honey I'm still free *

* Take a chance on me *

* Gonna do my very best *

* And that ain't no lie *

* If you put me to the test *

* If you let me try *

* Take a chance on me *

That's all I ask of you, Angela.

Take a chance!

- [Phone 1] Take a chance! - [Phone 2] Take a chance!

Take a chance!

[All] (harmonizing) On me!

[Phone 1] Hey, how'd it go?

- [Phone 2] Yeah. What did she say?

- I don't know yet. I have to call you back.

- [Phone 2] You gotta give us something-

I'll call you back!

(buttons clicking)

- I have to go clean up after the party.

(door knocking)

What a horrible day.

(Dwight and Michael groan)

Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza

out of my mouth.

I'd really like some sushi.

I was hoping that I would have New York-style sushi today.

And you know what?

- What? - I'm gonna get it.

Coopers has calamari.

(disagrees) No.

There's only one place to get authentic New York-style

sushi.

- Tokyo? - New York.

- You wanna go? - Yes.

- Alright. You drive. - Okay!

There were grilled cheeses?

I made them down in the kitchen?

I found a tomato-

Hold on!

I remember the tomato!

You suck!

- (laughs) Tell me what was on the Christmas card.

Not now. Certainly not now!

- I'm gonna find out. - Never!

Do you still have it?

You know what?

This party doesn't look like it was all that great.

It does not! Check that out.

- [Dwight] Nice. - [Scott] Here we go.

- Woo-hoo!

(Michael and Dwight moan in satisfaction)

- I'm sorry. You guys are going to have to leave.

(muffled) Hey! You know what?

(muffled) Come on, come on. Let's go!

(cars honking)

Hey, you're the Scranton guy?

Guilty!

- (laughs) I liked your statement tonight.

Oh. Thanks.

This is the guy that beat the computer.

Oh, very cool.

Yeah, it was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that.

(men laughing)

See you later!

Later on!

(Michael laughs)

(mimicking Ryan) I'm Ryan,

and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would

because it didn't work out for me

and I'm very embarrassed and I have egg all over my face.

- (mimicking Ryan) And I spent so much time in Scranton

but I never any sold any paper.

- (mimicking Ryan) I never sold any paper

because I'm an idiot.

- (mimicking Ryan) I started a fire with my cheese pita.

I dated an Indian girl.

(Michael and Dwight laughing)

- (mimicking Ryan) I started a fire. I started a fire.

- (mimicking Ryan) And now I got a beard.

- (mimicking Ryan) And I get everything I want.

- (mimicking Ryan) And I got a new suit. And I'm your boss.

- (mimicking Ryan) Because I'm hot. I'm so hot.

That's why everybody... - I don't, I don't get...

I don't understand that.

- Well, it's part of it. It's just stuff.

(Michael groans)

(Michael sighs)

Wanna head back?

(whispering) Yeah, let's go.

(car starting)

You know, it goes along with Ryan's launch.

His 'Infinity Campaign?'

So theme of the party is infinity, I made infinity cookies.

They are delicious.

I took candles that were the figure-eight

and turned them on their side

so that they formed infinity symbols.

Kevin came back in and set them all up.

I put them on their side again.

I am going to make sure that no one forgets this party.

That it will live on in infinity.

A lot of guys say they want something to hold on to.

But I don't get that.

I mean, what kind of speed are we talking about

where I'd actually need to hold on to something?

A lot of guys say "the bigger the cushion,

the better the pushin'."

I've modified that phrase:

"The smaller the cushion, the better the pushin'."

Women come in all shapes and sizes,

but we had an old saying in my fraternity:

"It's good to have sex!" So... (laughs)

(upbeat rave music)

("The Office Theme" by Daniel Tidwell)