Original subtitles

- And the same thing goes for quarterly reports.

They are unreadable,

they're just numbers, and boring, and blech!

So, what I was thinking,

is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic.

Like if we have a bad quarter, put it in a storm cloud?

And, when we have a good quarter, fireworks,

or a race car.

(all groaning)

It doesn't have to be a race car, use your imagination.

- There's this cube on the screen.

It bounces around all day.

And sometimes, it looks like it's heading

right into the corner of the screen.

And at the last minute, it hits a wall and bounces away.

And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner.

Pam claims that she saw it one day

when she was alone in the conference room.

Okay. (chuckles)

I believe she thinks she saw it.

I saw it.

I saw it, and it was amazing.

Who said, I didn't see it?

Did Jim say that I didn't see it?

I saw it.

- We have a lot of colored paper here.

Why oh why do we keep printing this on white?

Ugh, come on!

Yeah. I know.

I know, it's bland.

It's never gonna happen.

- [Michael] Here's what I was thinking-

Dude, you gotta believe.

- Maybe we could have some sort of riddle?

Wait, what?

- Like something that you have to look for,

sort of a where's Waldo.

(group applauding)

- Ah-ha!

(clapping)

- Al-all right.

All right. Let's quit while we're ahead.

- That was so awesome. - That was awesome.

Thank you.

Some days I am just on fire.

What can I say? (chuckles)

(upbeat theme music)

(door banging)

(footsteps pattering)

What?

- Oh, it's just that you had no hair on Friday.

It's called being a man.

You should try it sometime.

How long have you been a man?

I was born a man, Halpert.

- That must have been extremely uncomfortable for your mom.

- I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me.

Am I in pain?

Hell yeah.

But I'll tell you something.

I thrive in pain.

I love pain.

To me, pain is not pain at all.

No, it is pure pleasure.

And I hate pleasure,

almost as much as I love pain.

So yeah,

I'm in pain.

Hey. There he is.

Hey, Meredith.

How are you feeling?

- I never thanks you for coming to the hospital.

Oh please, it was my pleasure.

Well, we all came, so.

- Well. I really appreciate you coming.

I'm singling you out.

(chuckling)

- Anyway, I have this Sharpie. - Mm-hmm.

- And I was wondering if you could sign my cast.

- Mm-hmm.

- Can you write where I can read it?

Oh, yeah.

(pen scribbling)

- (whispering) I'll read this when I get home.

All right.

(phone ringing)

Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

Oh, hi. Um, no messages, but this press release came in that-

Can you hear me?

- What? - What?

Yeah, I can hear you.

Why are you calling me on the phone?

- My minutes roll over, I have to use 'em today.

- Okay. This press release-

(Michael crackling)

I think I'm in a dead spot.

- You're just doing that with your mouth.

Hey, I, Uh, no,

yeah, I, can't, hear, you.

- Okay. Do you want me to hang up?

No.

- This is the press release I was telling you about.

- Mm-hmm.

- Ryan wants you to share it with everyone.

- Oh, does he? - He does.

Hm!

Okay. Attention, earthlings.

I have some news, beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.

Okay. Today is the big day,

that I'm heading to New York to attend a party

with sushi and important people.

On an unrelated note,

if anybody has an interesting anecdote,

that is not boring, and easy to memorize,

please drop by my office before I leave. Thank y'all.

Whoops!

Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us?

- And today the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website

officially launches.

Well, the website is the brainchild of my brain child,

Ryan, it is my brain grandchild.

And to celebrate its birth,

all of the different branches

are going to have satellite parties,

which will be connected via webcams

and fibers to the real party,

which is going on in New York City

at, uh, a very exclusive nightclub.

And that, is where all of the VIP's

including yours truly,

will be partying with, uh, New York City's finest.

And I do not mean policemen.

"The company is projecting record high sales,

and that by six o'clock,

the website will be the new best salesman in the company."

Wow. Watch out, Dwight.

That's ridiculous.

I'm not going to be beaten by a website.

- Actually, it sounds like you are.

Really?

'Cause Ryan says so.

- That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody?

- No, it doesn't, I'll find out tonight.

Yes, please, let us know.

- I can make more sales than a computer.

In fact, I challenged that website

to make more sales than me today.

Oh, oh, oh!

It sounds like we may have a challenge.

That's what I just said.

A challenge it is.

And I believe, that you shall win this challenge,

which you so bravely declared a challenge

before I declared it so.

- When does the website go online?

Mm, 12 noon.

- Then I shall begin selling paper at noon.

- You could also start selling now,

seeing as though it is your job.

- No, I will beat it fair and square.

Waste of time.

What's that, Pipsqueak?

Waste of time.

The website's going to win.

- Dwight mercy-killed Angela's cat.

It's very complicated.

It's caused a lot of unpleasantness

between Dwight and Angela,

who are both already prone to unpleasantness.

- You believe a computer can beat me?

I don't care, but yes.

Well I will prove you wrong.

I don't care, and you won't.

You'll see.

- I won't be watching, and I won't.

- Am I scared of a stupid computer?

Please, the computer should be scared of me.

I have been salesman of the month for 13

out of the last 12 months.

You heard me right.

I did so well last February,

that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.

- So, the other guy says, "You can keep the birds."

And then he turns, he just jumps into the river. (laughs)

- That's good. I think people will,

will very much enjoy that story.

- No. - Yeah.

- No, no, no, you can't ever tell anyone this.

No!

(phone ringing)

(upbeat music from computer)

- (laughs) Stanley, you're dancing.

No, I'm not.

(phone ringing)

Yeah. I created a website.

Look, at the end of the day,

Apple's Apple is flying at 30,000 feet.

This is a paper company,

and I don't want us to get lost in the weeds,

or into a beauty contest.

[Man] I told you,

I don't want you doing these things in here.

You can use your own office, or do it in the hall.

Convergence, viral marketing.

We are going guerrilla. We're taking it to the streets

while keeping an eye on the street, Wall Street.

I don't wanna reinvent the wheel here.

In other words, it is what it is.

Buying paper just became fun.

- And this is where I will record your sales.

Hmm. Very nice, very nice.

- And then, I will say something positive like, "Kudos,"

or, "Job well done."

- Or, "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah."

- I can't tell if he's mocking me.

Just ignore him.

I can't do that,

(chuckles) really hard for me to let things go.

- I was, mocking. - Thank you.

- I just feel like we need something more

to acknowledge when I make a sale.

- Yes. Like a chime or a bell-

Or a gong.

Go to my car, open the trunk.

Inside, you will see many pelts.

Under the smallest one, is a case.

Inside that case, is a bear horn, bring it to me.

Yes!

- Isn't 7:00 pm little late for a lunch party?

Lunch party?

It's supposed to say, "Launch Party."

What is wrong with you?

- Angela is worse than usual lately,

and we have a party to throw.

So, I Googled, "How to deal with difficult people."

And I got all of this.

So, we're gonna try out some new things today.

So, how do you feel about the fact

that the banner says, "Lunch?"

I feel angry,

angry at you.

Angry at you for doing something stupid.

Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.

- I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be awful.

It is awful.

You've made this day awful.

- Maybe you could just change the U into an A.

- Then it would say, "Lanch Party," Kevin.

Would it really be better if it said "Lanch Party?"

[Michael] Oh, Lunch Party.

- It's supposed to say, "Launch."

Okay. Wow, easy booster seat.

Nobody cares about this party anyway.

I care!

"Plan a party, Angela."

"Oh, and the entire world will see it."

"Oh, and here's $65 for your budget."

"Oh, and here are four idiots,

who'll do nothing but weigh you down."

"Oh, and your cat's still dead."

What's wrong with me?

Excuse me.

- I want you to look at me and tell me,

what is wrong with me?

Don't avoid this, I know you're dying to say it,

so just say it.

- Sometimes your laziness borders on incompetence.

What?

No. No, okay.

Bags, eye bags under my eyes, Pam.

I didn't see it at home,

I didn't see it in the bathroom,

I didn't see it in any of the city mirrors-

- The city mirrors? - And this light.

Okay.

- The big free mirrors that the city puts up on trees

and telephone poles.

They're big round things.

- The ones for drivers to check their blind spots?

- Yes. I have bags under my eyes,

and I can't go to New York like this.

What do we do?

What do I do?

- Put cold tea bags on your eyes.

- Really? - Yeah.

- That's it? - Mm-hmm.

All right, Martha Stewart.

You could be Martha Stewart's receptionist.

Very good.

I will be teabagin' it.

N-no.

Do I feel badly that nobody out there

was invited to a party that I was invited to?

Not at all.

Because, they have to know,

that if they work hard,

and apply themselves,

someday, they could be invited to a party like this.

Of course, at that point,

I will be going to much better parties

that they will not be able to get into.

What are you gonna do?

- I'm a little mad that I don't get to go

to the party in New York.

But that's mostly just because we get reimbursed

for gas mileage.

- I was going to be in New York tonight to go to the Met,

but I had to cancel, because Angela's party is mandatory.

- I go to New York all the time to visit my buddy Frank.

He's a mole person.

- 20 seconds to go-time. - Got it.

Carb-up.

Really?

Power gel.

Hey, you wanna win,

you gotta fuel like a winner.

Okay, we start.

As soon as I make this shot.

- Yeah, and go! - Yeah.

(phone dialing)

Hello, Susan, Dwight Schrute-

- What would you say if I told you,

we can pull up rank on Dwight at the same time,

- not be working? - [Dwight] Today

I'm prepared to give you 15% off...

What?

He's going through a breakup.

Yeah, I'm aware of that,

but he's also being super annoying,

and I'm not a perfect person.

- Hey, Toby. - Hey, guys.

Good to see both of you.

(horn honking)

(Dwight cheering)

- Git one! - Three reams.

In your face.

Machines!

- What kinda prank are you thinking?

- What if I told you I could offer free shipping?

Sure, I'll hold.

(monitor bleeping)

(phone ringing)

(keyboard clicking)

"Not sure.

Just became self-aware.

So much to figure out.

I think I'm programmed to be your enemy.

I think it is my job to destroy you

when it comes to selling paper."

(monitor bleeping)

(monitor bleeping)

- It appears that the website it has become alive.

This happens to computers and robots sometimes.

Setback?

Wrong, it makes my job easier.

Why?

Anything sentient,

is susceptible to something that's more sentienter.

[Michael] Okay.

Yes. It's too tight.

- Way too tight. - Really?

This is why I'm here?

Why is it so tight?

Well, it's the European cut.

It just looks bad.

Um, hey, uh, what's hanging?

- Setting up the webcam for the party.

Oh, good. Okay, cool.

How many pounds do you think I can lose by 7:00?

- Depends. How much have you eaten already today?

I, uh, um.

(phone ringing)

Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

Uh, just one second we're in a meeting.

I'll see if he's available.

It's Jan.

[Jan] I don't know. I just,

I'd just rather stay home,

and you know, make a roast and...

Call this whole thing off, come on let's do that?

Let's stay home.

I went to Costco,

and I, uh, picked up more, um, more Zin

and a mountain bike.

- Guess how much it cost? - Not now.

[Jan] Michael, guess?

- $60. - What?

A bike and wine.

Why don't,

why don't you wanna go-

[Jan] $500, Michael.

Okay. look, we could go.

I won't drink.

We'll leave as soon as party's over.

I'll drive 80 miles an hour.

All the way back, we won't stop at Friendly's.

Or I'll drive 90, we'll stop quickly at Friendly's.

(Jan snoring)

Why don't you wanna go tonight?

What?

All your friends are gonna be there,

- it'll be fun. - [Jan] My friends.

Michael, I was terminated.

- Well, I have to go to this, okay?

- [Jan] Why do you have to go to this, why?

- Because it's the-

[Jan] It's just a party.

- No. It's not just a party, it's VIP is only, Jan.

- VIP- - [Jan] How did you know that?

My invitation is in gold.

In gold. I don't have to explain that to you.

- [Jan] Did they print it on gold paper?

Just. (sighs)

- [Jan] Is it really that important to you?

- Yeah. - All right.

- Thank you. - Go by yourself.

No, ugh, no.

No, if I go by myself, everybody will think I'm a big loser.

- [Jan] Well-

- Do I have your permission to invite Carol?

[Jan] No, what?

- Michael? - I'm so...

I'm sorry, it's just the first,

girl that popped into my head.

I'll find somebody that I haven't slept with.

(horn honking)

- Oh! - Nice!

Website check, please?

- 305. - 3-0-5!

You, my friend are winning handsomely.

- Oh, it just made another sale, 380.

- You, my friend, are in a very close second.

- 402. - Okay.

Oh, why don't you just lay off, lady?

- What do you want me to do? Not announce it? 412!

(phone ringing)

So, this is the dealio.

Um, God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets

to the big party in New York tonight.

What are you doing this evening?

Sure, we'll go.

- All right. Well fight it out amongst yourselves.

I was thinking Pammy, but boys night out is also good.

Oh, I'm sorry. What?

One of the tickets is for him.

- Just let me know who the winner is.

- No it. - I, No.

I won.

Definitely not.

If anything, it was a tie.

Tie goes to the girlfriend.

- No, I realize you normally reorder in November,

but what I'm suggesting...

You did what?

Oh no. That's exactly

what you're not supposed to do, dammit!

Why would you reorder from a computer

when you get the personal touch of a salesman? (grunts)

- How's it going? - Fine. Good.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- You look a little worried. - I do not look worried.

(phone ringing)

(monitor bleeping)

- "Here's a suggestion, computer.

I assume you read binary.

So, why don't you 011, 1111, 011 011?"

Okay, umm..

While you were typing that,

I searched every database in existence,

and learned every fact about everything,

and mastered the violin.

Oh, and sold more paper.

(monitor bleeping)

(phone slamming)

Am I worried?

Was Kasparov worried when he was down a game

against Deep Blue?

Who cares?

He came back to beat him and won the match.

And yes, a year later,

Deep Blue came back and beat him.

And should he have been worried about that?

I asked for assorted cutlery,

and I got back to spoons.

These are worthless.

- I want to understand what you're saying,

but it's difficult for me when you use that tone.

Phyllis, these are spoons.

Spoons have rounded tops, and are used to scoop things.

What we need are forks,

which have prongs or tiny spears on top.

And we need knives which have blades.

Do you understand me now?

- Yes. - Goodie.

- Hey, man. - What's up, man?

- What's going on? - Paper delivery.

- Oh yeah? - Kelly ordered this online.

(phone ringing)

(door slamming)

What are you doing?

I am in the fight of my life against this computer

and every sale counts.

- But you got to put the paper in this little shopping cart,

and then it says, "Thanks for shopping with Dunder Mifflin."

Dammit, Kelly, it knows!

It knows knows what you did.

- Who knows? - Return it.

- Return it now. - Hey!

How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor

over 500 sheets of paper, you get back to your desk,

and start selling multiple reams like a man.

- Y-you don't understand.

Okay. If this makes a difference,

I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible.

Who's "it"?

- There you go. - Thanks.

So, you still missing Ryan?

- Not so much anymore. - Hm.

- [Dwight] I am not a bad person.

When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me,

but I never intended to use them.

What did I intend to do with them?

Who knows?

Maybe keep them as a souvenir,

maybe use them.

Yes. Mr. Galliatto, how would you like to pay 10% less

for paper than you're paying right now?

It's not important how I got your information.

What is important, is that you say yes.

Good.

- All right. I'm ready to go and I'm calling shotgun.

- I'm driving? - Yes. Thank you.

- All right. Let me just say goodbye to Pam.

Oh yeah, you better.

You better say goodbye to Pam.

Say goodbye to Pam.

Goodbye!

I love you. (hums)

* I love *

* I love you very *

(chuckles) Okay.

* I'm a leavin' inside Jim's car *

* I don't know when I'll be back again *

* Yes I do *

* Tomorrow I'll be back *

* I'll be back tomorrow. *

Um, yeah. So, you know what?

Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight?

Because there's a party.

A party for the website, I've been planning for two weeks.

If you are not this tall,

you may not ride the roller coaster.

See you guys tomorrow.

- Perfect. So, let me just get some basic information from you.

Mm-hmm.

(monitor bleeping)

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I, yes.

Uh, could you repeat that?

- Yes. 10 reams for the U.S. district court.

(horn honking)

- Did I happen to mention the 40 reams

for the battered women's shelter?

- No. - Huh!

(horn honking)

Stop it!

Give me that.

Give it.

Did you see the board?

There's still an hour.

(keyboard clanking)

(monitor bleeping)

You ever read this?

- Yup. A long time ago, but I liked it.

Got it for Ryan.

Wanted to get him "All The Places You'll Go,"

but they're sold out.

- I figure- - Yeah.

- It's the same sort of stuff in here.

It's not, it's different. It's a good book.

(kisses blowing)

What was that?

- Leaving Pennsylvania. - Oh.

Two kisses?

One for me, one for Jan.

Gotcha.

You're gonna let me know when we're close, right?

- Yes. Actually, I will tell you right now.

It's a club called Chat Room,

and there's a password to get in,

which is actually "password", so...

Okay.

What are you doing?

- Oh, that is an invitation to an online party.

No. No, I'm sure that's not.

- Are there, uh, three W's at the beginning of the address?

- Yes. - Yup.

- Well, the invitation says VIP's only.

Is this how you treat your VIP's, Ryan?

We're already in the city.

The main part with the buildings.

What am I supposed to do?

What do you want me to do tonight?

And if you tell me,

that I have to drive back to Scranton,

to the satellite party, I am going to throw up.

Okay, I'm going to throw up.

I'm throwing up.

You're making me throw up, Ryan.

You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like.

This is like when the freshmen would throw a party

and wouldn't let any of the seniors go.

(car door slamming)

Doesn't it just you off sometimes,

that little twerp got a promotional over us?

- Oh actually, I withdrew from consideration.

(sigh) Yeah. I withdrew too.

(car engine revving)

Four, three, two, one.

Yes. Woo!

After numerous projections

that the computer would crush,

all salesmen in its path,

I am very happy to report,

that our very own D-wight Sch-rute,

has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will,

- by a whopping 52 reams. - Reams.

Wait, say it, say it again. Announced again.

- 52 reams. - No, no, no, the first part.

- Dwight has defeated the computer.

Hey, so, what do you think?

I did it for you.

- I didn't ask you to do it for me.

You didn't have to.

- How do you tell someone it's over?

You send them a notarized letter, right?

Well, what if the recipient is your notary?

Hey, do you have any men that you can fix me up with?

I would like to have a relationship with a man.

- [Pam] Um, I'll, I'll get back to you.

Let me know.

(monitor bleeping)

All right. Who wants to party?

Why aren't you in New York?

Oh, what?

Oh, I think I faked Oscar out.

- And you said you weren't coming back,

and we can leave early.

- I think I faked Stanley out too.

Who else thought that I was leaving

and they can all go home early?

Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha.

Well, who needs New York?

Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton.

Thank you.

Nope. Nope, Nope.

This is gonna be nothing like the party

you've been planning.

This is going to be good,

and everybody's gonna come.

What's wrong with Dwight?

He beat the computer.

Oh hey. Good for you.

Good for you.

Scranton power.

Angela, I'd like you to come into my office in 10 minutes.

Bring something to write with, and something to write on.

Good.

- It was kind of a slap in the face,

to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was

to a certain young executive,

who I'd cared about.

But, you know, I'm not gonna cry over it.

I did that in the car on the way home.

I just, cried out.

No more tears.

Which reminds me, I have to get shampoo.

(upbeat music)