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1
00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:17,267
- What do you think of my
cool new ride? Pretty sweet!
2
00:00:19,644 --> 00:00:22,147
It's just a rental. My
Sebring's in the body shop.
3
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:23,273
Get some work done.
4
00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:26,901
Had to have the dent taken out
of the hood
5
00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,319
where I hit Meredith.
6
00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:30,905
[GPS] Destination is ahead.
7
00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:33,742
- Thank you, invisible driving
companion.
8
00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:37,328
It's not an invisible
companion. It's a GPS machine.
9
00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,456
That thing is so amazing.
10
00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:43,501
This is like having a
computerized map in your car.
11
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:45,462
- [GPS] Destination is on the
right.
12
00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:49,507
- Why thank you. Love that
voice.
13
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:51,009
I don't know.
14
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:55,221
Something so soothing about
it, like taking a warm bath.
15
00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,182
(phone rings)
Oh, oh, hold on.
16
00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:58,767
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
17
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:04,064
Ah, it is my lady love. Smello?
18
00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:06,274
- [Jan] Where the (beep)
are my Grape Nuts?
19
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:07,734
- I don't-
- I just wanna know.
20
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:09,194
Did you eat my Grape Nuts?
21
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:11,029
Uh, no, I hate those things.
22
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:11,988
- Grow up, Michael!
- I lo-
23
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,407
(dial tone)
24
00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:16,409
Not a morning person.
25
00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:21,039
(car beeps)
26
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,583
- [GPS] Sorry, I don't
understand that command.
27
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,294
(car beeps)
28
00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:29,255
Sorry, I don't understand that
command.
29
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:33,259
- Hey.
- Hey.
30
00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,177
[Pam] I gotcha one.
31
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,595
- Oh wow, thank you.
- Yeah.
32
00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:37,305
- [Jim] I'm just gonna grab
some chips. You want some
33
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:40,016
- No, thanks. Uh, we're still
having lunch today, right?
34
00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:40,850
I guess.
35
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:46,523
How dare you.
36
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,912
(door clicks)
37
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,415
Hey, Toby. What's this?
38
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:04,916
- Oh.
- I just want
39
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,919
to remind everyone about the
company rules involving PDA
40
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,587
or public displays of affection.
41
00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:12,424
- Yes, uh some people in
the office have complained.
42
00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:13,883
- Oh really.
- About some other people
43
00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:17,095
engaging in PDA and, you
know, I just wanted to remind.
44
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:18,680
It's not appropriate to, to do
that.
45
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,224
- Is this about me and Jan, in
my office?
46
00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:23,476
Because I will have you know
that that was consensual.
47
00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:26,730
What we did has nothing to
do with you or anyone here.
48
00:02:26,771 --> 00:02:29,441
I don't think. I don't
think anyone heard anything.
49
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:31,234
We were very discreet and,
50
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,570
and most people had left by that
point.
51
00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:35,363
So I don't think it's
any of your business.
52
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,365
What I think you should do is
53
00:02:37,407 --> 00:02:39,284
roll up the memo, real tight-
54
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:41,286
- Okay, look the memo is not
about you.
55
00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:43,121
- For the record, I
have never been involved
56
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,457
with anyone at work, in any
capacity.
57
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:46,958
Alright everyone, look, it,
58
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:50,670
all right the complaint
was about Jim and Pam, so-
59
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:54,924
- No way.
- What?
60
00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:56,343
You guys are together?
61
00:02:57,218 --> 00:03:02,057
Um, yup.
62
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:02,932
Yes, we are.
63
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:05,101
Whoa! Wow!
64
00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:06,394
- Tuna!
- Awesome!
65
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:07,687
- I knew it!
- You guys!
66
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,272
- Congratulations to the two of
you.
67
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:10,690
- Yes, yes!
- Toby,
68
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:13,526
was this your fun little
way of congratulating us?
69
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:18,823
- Yes.
- Okay, mind is exploding.
70
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:19,866
Get over here. Come on.
71
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:24,537
Come here. Okay, okay, stand up.
72
00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:27,540
Okay, here we go.
73
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:33,338
Everyone, this is a day
that will live in infamy
74
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:39,260
because today is the day
that Jim and Pam become one.
75
00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:42,013
- Actually, we've been
dating for a couple months.
76
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:45,392
I love you guys, so much.
77
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:49,521
- Oh.
(phone rings)
78
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,356
- Phone's ringing.
- No, no, no.
79
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:52,649
Pam let 'em ring.
80
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:58,488
Let the bells of Dunder
Mifflin chime out your love.
81
00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:03,535
Because this is really
good, this is really good.
82
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:08,498
My heart soars with the eagles
nest.
83
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:12,168
- I don't see it. I think
they both could do better.
84
00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:13,712
I knew they were dating.
85
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:17,382
He complimented her sweater
yesterday and it was hideous.
86
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:22,012
- It's not a surprise to me.
Pam is the office mattress.
87
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:24,431
Jim and Pam? Huh?
88
00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:26,349
I always thought they
were brother and sister.
89
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:27,642
Good for Pam!
90
00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:30,562
I was starting to think
she was gonna die alone.
91
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,147
Jim Halpert's off the market.
92
00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:33,815
Guess who just became the best
looking
93
00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:35,275
single guy in the office?
94
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,279
(upbeat theme music)
95
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:11,561
- Hey. Can you make that
straighter?
96
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:13,730
That's what she said.
97
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:17,067
- Did you plan that?
- No.
98
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,195
- "Can you make that
straighter?"
99
00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:22,447
"That job looks hard."
100
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,741
{\an8}"You should put your mouth on
that."
101
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:27,410
{\an8}How can you even use that one
naturally?
102
00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:28,995
{\an8}Blowing up balloons I thought.
103
00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:31,039
{\an8}- [Pam] You might want
to trim it a little.
104
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,667
{\an8}Oh, is Ryan coming back today?
105
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,878
{\an8}- Yeah, he is.
- Oh.
106
00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:41,508
{\an8}- Pam and Jim are
together. Ryan is visiting.
107
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,512
{\an8}Only thing that could make
this day better is ice cream.
108
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,890
{\an8}(door clicks)
(footsteps tap)
109
00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:49,766
What do you want?
110
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,269
To give you this.
111
00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:54,854
Oh, what is that?
112
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,398
It's a feral barn cat.
113
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,358
{\an8}I trapped him last night
and I'm giving him to you
114
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,568
as a replacement cat
for the one I destroyed.
115
00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:02,153
{\an8}There was an unfortunate
incident
116
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:05,407
{\an8}involving Angela's old, sick
cat, me,
117
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:09,452
{\an8}some antihistamines, and
the cat's intentional death.
118
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:10,870
{\an8}And now, Angela might not want
119
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:12,580
{\an8}to continue our professional
accountant
120
00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:14,541
{\an8}slash salesman association.
121
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,335
Her name was Sprinkles.
122
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,922
{\an8}And his name is Garbage.
123
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:23,842
{\an8}Mose calls him Garbage because
he likes to eat garbage.
124
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:25,010
Don't you, Garbage?
125
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:26,052
(Dwight imitates eating)
126
00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:27,595
{\an8}- I can't believe you just
thought
127
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:31,182
{\an8}you could replace Sprinkles
before she's even in the ground.
128
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,517
{\an8}You haven't buried her yet?
129
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,686
{\an8}Don't rush me. I'm grieving.
130
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,897
{\an8}- Garbage can be very helpful.
Okay, he's a youthful cat.
131
00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:39,941
He killed an entire family
of raccoons. Look at him.
132
00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:44,070
- I don't want Garbage! I want
Sprinkles!
133
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:48,033
- Sprinkles is dead. Sprinkles
was in pain and no longer is.
134
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,701
Thanks to me.
135
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:52,454
- I'm in pain, Dwight.
Are you gonna kill me?
136
00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:54,956
Hey, if it ever came to that,
137
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:57,083
it would be the hardest day of
my life.
138
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:03,089
{\an8}(door clicks)
139
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:09,179
(Garbage meows)
140
00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:15,560
- Hey, Toby.
- Hey, you two.
141
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:19,022
- Hey, so now that we are
dating,
142
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,565
uh, we just wanted to
know if we had to sign one
143
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,109
of those "we're dating"
things for the company.
144
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:27,364
- Oh, well, you know, those were
only for,
145
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:30,742
you know, relationships, so, if,
146
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:33,495
if this is just a casual
thing, there's no need, really.
147
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:35,080
- Oh.
- Well,
148
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:38,583
I don't wanna speak for Jim,
but, it's like pretty official.
149
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:41,795
Uh huh.
150
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,800
- [Jim] Sorry, so, do
we need to sign one, or?
151
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:51,137
- Let's just wait and see
what happens. You know?
152
00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:53,014
- What?
- Let's just wait.
153
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:55,767
- Oh, okay.
- Okay.
154
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,520
- Great.
(phones ring)
155
00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:04,984
(door clicks)
156
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:06,069
Hey Ryan!
157
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,153
- Welcome back.
- Hold on one second.
158
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:12,158
(phones ring)
159
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:17,622
Hey Pam! It's great to see you.
160
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:18,498
Is Michael in?
161
00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:19,416
- Hey!
- Yeah.
162
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:20,500
There he is! There he is!
163
00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,460
He's back! And he's with a
beard.
164
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,670
(Michael laughs)
165
00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:26,464
He has facial hair. Look at him!
166
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,925
All grown up and no place to go.
167
00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:33,179
Hello, Mr. Sonny Crockett.
I'm Tubbs.
168
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,597
Okay, should we get started?
169
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:37,058
- Oh, yeah, let's get
started because uh, yes,
170
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,643
'cause, this is very
serious business and um-
171
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,854
- Yep, exactly. This
is a business meeting.
172
00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:42,355
- Business meeting.
- Fire guy!
173
00:08:42,397 --> 00:08:43,314
Stop that!
174
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,649
That's right! That's right!
175
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,026
- You scared me.
- Fire guy.
176
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,152
- He's the fire guy.
- Don't start any fires, Ryan.
177
00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:48,486
- Fire guy!
(Andy imitates explosions)
178
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:49,571
You weren't here for that.
179
00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:50,488
Here for what?
180
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,531
When he started the fire.
181
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:53,033
- Look how big he is. Look at
you!
182
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:58,038
You are so mature and
old and a little man now.
183
00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,581
You're like our little man.
184
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:00,623
Little old man boy.
185
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:01,708
- Michael, everybody, um-
186
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,501
- Beard.
- Bearded man boy.
187
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,502
Let me just say something.
188
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,171
I know I used to be a temp here,
189
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,672
but now everything is different.
190
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:10,258
I'd like your respect. I am your
boss now.
191
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,344
You're gonna have to treat me
that same way you treated Jan.
192
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,054
- Oh, wow!
- So-
193
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,097
- That's a little kinky.
I don't swing that way.
194
00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:17,057
- Okay.
- Woooo!
195
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:18,141
- (Michael laughs)
- Swing that way.
196
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:19,351
- I think Ryan has a gay crush
on me.
197
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,643
Enough! Okay?
198
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:22,562
This is inappropriate
and it stops right now.
199
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:29,235
- Do you understand?
- Yes.
200
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:32,781
Everybody, come on, settle
down. Let's get serious here.
201
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:36,868
Um, Ryan, has a very special,
important presentation to do,
202
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,579
which we will be doing in the
conference room in 10 minutes?
203
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:40,413
- Perfect.
- Sound good?
204
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,998
Okay, all right.
205
00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:46,252
- And they say New
Yorkers aren't friendly.
206
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:47,796
Yeah, Ryan snapped at me,
207
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:50,548
but there was this twinkle in
his eye that I picked up on,
208
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,718
which said, "Dude, we're
friends.
209
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,971
I'm doing this for appearances.
I am the big boss now.
210
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:59,015
And I have to seem like an ogre.
211
00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:03,561
But you know me and you trust
me and we like each other.
212
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,231
And we'll always be friends.
213
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:10,318
And I would never take you for
granted in a million years.
214
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,948
And I miss you, man. And I love
you."
215
00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:29,170
- So, how are you?
- Awesome!
216
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,047
I am dating a lot of guys.
217
00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:32,132
- Good.
- A lot!
218
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:33,883
Black guys, mostly.
219
00:10:33,925 --> 00:10:35,093
- Kelly?
- What?
220
00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:39,931
Um?
221
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,519
Oh, okay, okay, just...
222
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:48,231
(paper crinkles)
223
00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:50,775
(Michael clears throat)
224
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:53,903
Well, our old friend Ryan Howard
is back
225
00:10:53,945 --> 00:10:55,238
and we are gonna give
a little presentation
226
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,948
about the future of our company.
227
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,116
So, please listen up.
228
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:03,872
- What?
- Have a seat
229
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:05,165
with everybody else.
230
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:06,416
You don't want me to help?
231
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,126
- You don't know what
I'm gonna talk about.
232
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,255
Actually, can you do me a favor?
233
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:13,089
- Yes.
- Can you get me
234
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:14,132
a cold water?
235
00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:16,885
- I got it.
- That's all right, Pam.
236
00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:17,719
Michael's got it.
237
00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:27,270
- Um, yes, I'll be right back!
- Thank you.
238
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:30,815
- That was slightly
harsh. Don't you think?
239
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,192
- I spent three years driving
around,
240
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:35,153
getting him yams and magic
wands.
241
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,155
He can get me water.
242
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,325
- I think I know what's going
on.
243
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:44,454
Ryan believes that there is
some sort of special boss water
244
00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:47,624
that he gets to drink now and
there isn't.
245
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:52,921
But, um, don't tell him.
Don't tell him that.
246
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:54,714
I don't want to jeopardize our
friendship.
247
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,427
- Dunder Mifflin Infinity
represents a floor
248
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,222
to ceiling streamlining
of our business model.
249
00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:04,349
The center piece of the campaign
is
250
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:07,310
a new business-to-business
website interface
251
00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:10,814
that will allow us to compete
directly with big box chains.
252
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,482
Wait a second.
253
00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:15,193
Last time I checked, Dunder
Mifflin already has a website.
254
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,277
And quite frankly,
255
00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:18,196
I'm not really sure what's wrong
with it.
256
00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:21,199
This is a massive overhaul.
257
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,993
We're getting younger,
sleeker, and more agile
258
00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:26,329
with the way that we
adapt to the market place.
259
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:27,455
All essential personnel will
260
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,207
be issued Blackberries for
company use.
261
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,709
- Ooh, gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
262
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,961
- I'll stick around to help
you set them up afterwards.
263
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,630
Any questions? Dwight?
264
00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:37,173
- What if we don't want
to use a Blackberry
265
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:39,300
because they are stupid and
pointless?
266
00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:40,719
- This is company-wide, Dwight.
267
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,220
- Got it.
- Andy.
268
00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:46,099
- We should call it Dunder
Mifflinfinity.
269
00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:48,143
You know, push the words
together?
270
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:51,312
- Any other questions? Kelly
Kapoor.
271
00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:54,858
- Can we speak privately
about our relationship?
272
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:55,900
Thank you everybody.
273
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:58,111
- Ryan Howard everybody. Good
job.
274
00:12:58,153 --> 00:12:59,863
(clapping)
275
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:03,616
- That's some fun stuff.
When does the website go up?
276
00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:04,826
As fast as possible.
277
00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,369
We want to start
retraining people A.S.A.P.,
278
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:08,246
so we can hit the ground
running with a new system.
279
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:12,334
- Cool beans. I've seen this
before in rock 'n' roll.
280
00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:15,378
Anyone who talks about
fresh ideas is a threat
281
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,380
to someone over the age of 40.
282
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:20,091
So, it's scramble time.
283
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,385
- We're screwed.
- Who is?
284
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,346
- Us? You and me, the old
timers.
285
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:26,389
I am not old. You are old.
286
00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:28,391
You are like a hundred.
287
00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:30,226
- You're over 40, that's the cut
off.
288
00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:32,437
Are you listening to what he's
saying?
289
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,398
Re-training, new system, youth.
290
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,817
I'm telling you this
kid is the grim reaper.
291
00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:41,237
You deal with this or
you, me, Sammy, Phyllis,
292
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,531
the chick you hit with
the car, we're goners.
293
00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:47,577
- I swore I wouldn't tell anyone
this,
294
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:52,665
but in the interest of revealing
secrets.
295
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,377
Oh my God, this will
make your brain explode.
296
00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:59,881
Um, Dwight and Angela, dating,
297
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:02,926
have been for six months.
298
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,260
- No.
- Swear to God.
299
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:06,638
Aww, this is great.
300
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,806
I was actually gonna wait and
tell you on your birthday,
301
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,432
but this is much more fun.
302
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:13,770
- No, they have been
dating for like two years,
303
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:15,647
since before your barbecue.
304
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,150
Wait. What?
305
00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:22,987
You knew? And you didn't say
anything?
306
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,572
You didn't say anything to me?
307
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,702
Fair enough. Wow!
308
00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:31,538
We should have started
dating like a long time ago.
309
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:32,622
- Can you believe that-
- Sorry,
310
00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:34,207
I didn't know you guys were in
here.
311
00:14:34,249 --> 00:14:35,291
- Oh no, we're just sitting
here.
312
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:36,751
I couldn't see your hands.
313
00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:41,965
Hey Pam, by the way, it's
great that you're dating.
314
00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:43,633
But when a new client calls,
315
00:14:43,675 --> 00:14:47,387
you just have to randomly
assign them to a sales person.
316
00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:48,847
You can't base who gets new
clients
317
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:52,183
on who you're sleeping
with that week, okay?
318
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,435
- Okay.
- Okay.
319
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:59,357
- Okay. And that is why we
waited so long to tell people.
320
00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:02,944
(tapping on phones)
321
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:10,326
(pounding on phone)
322
00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:12,454
- Okay, what's up?
- Yeah, 'kay.
323
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,581
I was just, after the
presentation,
324
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:17,709
just wanted to make sure, that
vis-a-vis me and the office,
325
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,502
everything in the office
is business as usual?
326
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:22,005
- Well it is business, but not
as usual.
327
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:23,340
Yeah, no, I understand.
328
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:26,551
We're making great strides
and we're updating,
329
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,345
but business as usual, no?
330
00:15:28,386 --> 00:15:31,056
- No. We're throwing
out the entire playbook.
331
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,182
We're starting from scratch.
332
00:15:32,223 --> 00:15:34,309
We're implementing a brand new
system.
333
00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:36,186
- Good, so, we're on the same
page?
334
00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:38,980
No. We're not.
335
00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:43,234
Okay, are you, um,
336
00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:45,862
are you making personnel
changes?
337
00:15:45,904 --> 00:15:47,280
We don't know yet.
338
00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:49,783
It depends on how the division
realignment works out.
339
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:50,742
Our sales are good.
340
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:51,868
Your sales are flat.
341
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:55,497
- Well, we had a bumpy patch
last year.
342
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,874
We were dragged down
by one of our salesmen,
343
00:15:57,916 --> 00:16:01,252
who didn't actually make
a sale while he was here.
344
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:04,547
And now he has a beard.
345
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:05,548
- (Michael snickers)
- Michael,
346
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:08,760
I know exactly how much time
347
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:11,888
and man power are wasted in this
branch.
348
00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:15,392
This company is getting
younger, faster, more efficient.
349
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:16,851
You need to prepare yourself.
350
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:19,896
- We had a foreign exchange
student live
351
00:16:19,938 --> 00:16:24,067
with us when I was young and
we called him my brother.
352
00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:25,610
And that's what I thought he
was.
353
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:31,449
Um, then he went home to what
is now formerly Yugoslavia,
354
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,911
taking all of my blue jeans with
him.
355
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:38,331
And I had to spend the
entire winter in shorts.
356
00:16:39,457 --> 00:16:41,584
That is what Ryan is like,
357
00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:44,462
a fake brother who steals your
jeans.
358
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,590
Ryan is causing some problems.
359
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:50,260
And you were always good at
handling him.
360
00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:51,761
What should I do to control him?
361
00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:53,513
- Well, he's super-ticklish,
I don't know if that helps.
362
00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:55,807
- I know, I know. No, something
else.
363
00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:58,101
- Oh, he's also super-insecure
about his height.
364
00:16:58,143 --> 00:16:59,144
- Uh-huh.
- And he doesn't care
365
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,937
- about anybody but himself.
- Good.
366
00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:03,606
- And don't have sex with
him, 'cause if you do,
367
00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:06,234
the next two years of your life
will be a total waste of time.
368
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,235
- I'm serious.
- I know.
369
00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:08,069
- Don't have sex with him,
Michael!
370
00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,571
[Michael] I know, I know.
371
00:17:09,612 --> 00:17:13,533
- He tried to give me a new
cat to replace Sprinkles.
372
00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:15,994
As if you could replace
Sprinkles!
373
00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:18,705
- He just has a hard
time expressing himself.
374
00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:21,041
- Well, it's really upsetting
me.
375
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:25,003
And, you probably noticed,
but this last week,
376
00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:26,963
I've been a raging bitch.
377
00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:28,965
- Hmm.
- What should I do?
378
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:31,551
- Look, there's a lot of good
parts
379
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:33,136
to the relationship, right?
380
00:17:33,178 --> 00:17:34,429
None of your business.
381
00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:37,390
- Right! Well, just try to focus
on those.
382
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:38,725
Why don't you guys go
out to dinner tonight
383
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:43,521
and talk about whatever
you always talk about.
384
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:46,066
- Maybe you're right.
- Yeah.
385
00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,359
I said maybe.
386
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:52,155
- Wait, uh, how do you touch
just one
387
00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:54,074
of these buttons at a time?
388
00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:55,408
I don't know.
389
00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:56,618
Did you even try?
390
00:17:57,911 --> 00:18:00,872
- If the kid wants to set
mine up, I'll let him.
391
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:01,998
Until then...
392
00:18:04,376 --> 00:18:06,044
It's not that I don't like
technology.
393
00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:09,005
I just don't like people
tellin' me how to do business
394
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:11,132
and I don't like Ryan.
395
00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:13,176
- [Kelly] I want you to tell
me that you care about me.
396
00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:14,594
That is what I want.
397
00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:16,221
- [Ryan] Kelly, I'm your boss
now, okay?
398
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,515
You can't keep talking to
me like I'm your boyfriend.
399
00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:21,810
- Oh big strong man, fancy new
whatever.
400
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:23,269
I don't think you ever cared
about me.
401
00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:24,604
I never cared about you?
402
00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:26,314
Six months ago Karen
Filippelli sent me an email,
403
00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:27,732
asked me out.
404
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,693
I said no, because I was
committed to our relationship.
405
00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:32,654
- Well, I hope you're still
committed because I'm pregnant.
406
00:18:34,239 --> 00:18:35,699
(earrings jingle)
407
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,368
And guess what buddy, I am
keeping it.
408
00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:39,786
Okay, okay.
409
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,454
- Do you feel prepared
to help me raise a baby?
410
00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:44,708
- I can, I can't talk
about this right now, okay?
411
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:46,626
After work, we'll go out to
dinner.
412
00:18:46,668 --> 00:18:48,169
We'll talk about it then, okay?
413
00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:52,382
(phones ring)
414
00:18:52,424 --> 00:18:53,425
We have a date!
415
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,097
- Hi, Jan.
- Hi.
416
00:18:59,139 --> 00:19:00,390
- Is Michael in?
- In his office.
417
00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:02,100
- You can go right in.
- Okay, thanks.
418
00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:05,395
- Hey!
- Jan?
419
00:19:05,437 --> 00:19:07,897
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.
420
00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,524
- How are you?
- Nice, good.
421
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,484
Look at you in your grownup
clothes. Wow!
422
00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,403
- Look at you; my God!
- Wow, wow.
423
00:19:13,445 --> 00:19:14,779
- Laid back Jan!
- Yeah.
424
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:17,532
- It like, uh, like everyday
is casual Friday now.
425
00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:21,911
So elephant in the room,
I have your old job.
426
00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:26,249
- Well, not exactly my job.
I had a different title.
427
00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:29,753
- Oh well, excuse me, same
office, same responsibilities.
428
00:19:29,794 --> 00:19:32,547
- Different salary. (laughs)
You'll get there, don't worry.
429
00:19:32,589 --> 00:19:35,383
Well, you look great.
430
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:37,010
Thank you, thank you.
431
00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:38,053
Scranton suits you.
432
00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,930
Best decision I ever made.
433
00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:41,890
You were let go.
434
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:44,934
I love the beard,
435
00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:47,187
makes you look like
you've got some character.
436
00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:50,398
- Hey.
- Hey.
437
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,901
(door slams)
438
00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:56,488
- Hello.
- Hello, Dwight.
439
00:19:57,697 --> 00:20:02,202
I've been thinking about
things and I wanted
440
00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:05,413
to know if you would have
dinner with me tonight?
441
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,957
- Really?
- Yes.
442
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,959
- I'll make a reservation.
No, no.
443
00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:13,129
Let me cook for you,
cauliflower and noodles,
444
00:20:13,171 --> 00:20:14,506
baked potato on the side.
445
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:18,843
- I would prefer a public
place. See you after work.
446
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:24,557
(door thuds)
(Dwight sighs)
447
00:20:24,599 --> 00:20:29,270
(chips crunch)
(Jan sighs)
448
00:20:29,312 --> 00:20:30,397
(Jan whistles)
449
00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:31,481
- Michael, please would you not
email
450
00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:32,482
while we're having lunch?
451
00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:34,859
I'm not. It's solitaire, see?
452
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:38,363
Blackberry, why would anyone
name
453
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,031
something like this after a
fruit?
454
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:41,658
You wouldn't name an iPod after
a fruit.
455
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:43,660
(Blackberry thuds)
456
00:20:43,702 --> 00:20:46,162
Excuse me while I type on my
Banana.
457
00:20:46,204 --> 00:20:48,832
I'm gonna go to the Orange store
458
00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:51,042
and buy an Apricot computer.
459
00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:55,797
Apple.
460
00:20:57,716 --> 00:20:59,592
What is the actual deal with
these things
461
00:20:59,634 --> 00:21:01,553
in terms of testicles?
462
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,762
What?
463
00:21:02,804 --> 00:21:04,347
- I don't want to grow weird
sperm
464
00:21:04,389 --> 00:21:05,974
in case we ever want to have
kids.
465
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,853
So, what's Ryan doing here?
466
00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:14,858
- Oh, I dunno, they're launching
a big new business plan.
467
00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:17,027
New website, blah blah blah.
468
00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:21,531
He's being a real twerp about
it, so, it's all about youth,
469
00:21:21,573 --> 00:21:24,034
and agility and streamlining
470
00:21:24,075 --> 00:21:27,537
and trying to squeeze
out the older people.
471
00:21:27,579 --> 00:21:29,039
- He's such a snake.
- Well-
472
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,166
- I hope he's gets hit
with an ageism suit.
473
00:21:32,834 --> 00:21:35,086
- What is that word?
- Ageism?
474
00:21:36,588 --> 00:21:37,881
Companies they can't
discriminate
475
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,300
against people due to old age.
476
00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:42,177
Like a couple years ago
we tried to force out some
477
00:21:42,218 --> 00:21:44,888
of the older branch managers
with a mandatory retirement age
478
00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:46,890
and then Ed Truck, your old
boss,
479
00:21:46,931 --> 00:21:49,809
threatened us with a lawsuit,
so we had to back off.
480
00:21:49,851 --> 00:21:50,894
So older people have just
481
00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:53,396
as many rights as younger
people?
482
00:21:53,438 --> 00:21:56,649
Yes, Michael, they do.
483
00:22:03,239 --> 00:22:05,700
- Okay, everyone, I have a
conference call, but after that,
484
00:22:05,742 --> 00:22:07,077
I'm going to lead a Blackberry
tutorial
485
00:22:07,118 --> 00:22:08,536
for anyone who's having any
problems.
486
00:22:08,578 --> 00:22:09,871
Who here's set theirs up?
487
00:22:13,291 --> 00:22:16,544
Great. Well, I will see
the rest of you at 2:30.
488
00:22:19,923 --> 00:22:21,299
- You didn't set up
your Blackberry, Dwight?
489
00:22:21,341 --> 00:22:23,218
- Yes, I did, but I do
not intend to use it.
490
00:22:23,259 --> 00:22:25,011
It is pointless technology.
491
00:22:25,053 --> 00:22:28,056
- As opposed to?
- Printing press,
492
00:22:28,098 --> 00:22:31,601
tractor, mechanical thresher,
telephone, airplane,
493
00:22:31,643 --> 00:22:33,520
the only inventions that matter.
494
00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:34,771
What about cars?
495
00:22:34,813 --> 00:22:37,023
- They fall under the
category of airplanes.
496
00:22:37,065 --> 00:22:39,901
- They do? So, cars are
flightless airplanes.
497
00:22:39,943 --> 00:22:41,361
- Correct.
- Got it.
498
00:22:41,403 --> 00:22:43,697
They're like the penguins
of the airplane family.
499
00:22:43,738 --> 00:22:45,031
That's an excellent analogy.
500
00:22:45,073 --> 00:22:45,907
- Thanks.
- Hey, Dwight,
501
00:22:45,949 --> 00:22:47,033
what about vaccines?
502
00:22:47,075 --> 00:22:49,202
- (scoffs) Vaccines are for
chumps!
503
00:22:49,244 --> 00:22:51,788
My mom didn't believe in
vaccines.
504
00:22:51,830 --> 00:22:55,625
I got my smallpox the
old-fashioned way and I
survived.
505
00:22:55,667 --> 00:22:58,378
So, joke's on you hospitals.
506
00:23:00,380 --> 00:23:04,592
- The word is ageism. Who came
up with it?
507
00:23:05,719 --> 00:23:07,595
When can you use it?
508
00:23:07,637 --> 00:23:10,223
How old do you have to
be for it to kick in?
509
00:23:10,265 --> 00:23:11,558
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Is it even real?
510
00:23:11,599 --> 00:23:12,684
- Mm-hmm.
- Or is Jan
511
00:23:12,726 --> 00:23:14,394
just playin' a prank on me?
512
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:16,563
- Okay, I'm willing to
investigate.
513
00:23:16,604 --> 00:23:19,107
But, I need two days access to
petty cash
514
00:23:19,149 --> 00:23:21,192
and a kitten, purebred.
515
00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:22,944
- You have an hour and you get
nothing.
516
00:23:22,986 --> 00:23:24,112
- I'm on it.
- Okay.
517
00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,366
(door thuds)
518
00:23:32,787 --> 00:23:35,290
(phones ring)
519
00:23:50,972 --> 00:23:52,307
- Creed?
- Yes, sir.
520
00:23:53,350 --> 00:23:55,518
- Everything okay?
- Everything's cool, dude.
521
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,480
I'm thirty. Well, in
November I'll be thirty.
522
00:24:01,358 --> 00:24:02,692
- Is there another meeting
scheduled?
523
00:24:02,734 --> 00:24:05,111
I was gonna do the
Blackberry tutorial in here.
524
00:24:05,153 --> 00:24:07,655
- Michael told us to wait
in here. We don't know why.
525
00:24:10,992 --> 00:24:13,661
- Oh, man.
- Good, we're all here.
526
00:24:14,662 --> 00:24:15,705
We can get started.
527
00:24:15,747 --> 00:24:17,165
- Michael.
- Have a seat.
528
00:24:17,207 --> 00:24:18,208
We're not doing this today.
529
00:24:18,249 --> 00:24:19,292
- Have a seat like everybody
else.
530
00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:22,295
- Okay, this is-
- Still my office, Ryan.
531
00:24:29,636 --> 00:24:34,432
Well, there has been a lot of
talk about new ideas today.
532
00:24:34,474 --> 00:24:39,437
Well, new ideas are fine,
but they are also illegal,
533
00:24:40,355 --> 00:24:43,108
because they are a form of
ageism.
534
00:24:43,149 --> 00:24:45,443
What? Yes, I am right.
535
00:24:46,486 --> 00:24:49,698
Did you know that the Age
Discrimination
536
00:24:49,739 --> 00:24:52,200
and Employment Act of 1967
537
00:24:52,242 --> 00:24:54,577
prohibits employment
discrimination based on age
538
00:24:54,619 --> 00:24:58,289
with respect to employees
40 years of age or older?
539
00:24:58,331 --> 00:25:04,129
I did. Why do we as a society
hate old people so much?
540
00:25:04,170 --> 00:25:05,005
Because they're lame.
541
00:25:05,046 --> 00:25:08,049
No, Creed, no they are not.
542
00:25:08,091 --> 00:25:12,512
In fact, many cultures revere
old people
543
00:25:12,554 --> 00:25:15,140
because of their storytelling
ability.
544
00:25:15,181 --> 00:25:17,017
Like the old lady from
"Titanic."
545
00:25:17,058 --> 00:25:19,811
Or the funny things that they
can do,
546
00:25:19,853 --> 00:25:22,022
like "where's the Beef?"
547
00:25:22,063 --> 00:25:24,607
Where's the beef? Where's the
beef?
548
00:25:26,109 --> 00:25:27,694
- Why do you have the
"Big" picture up again?
549
00:25:27,736 --> 00:25:29,362
You used that already,
when you burned your foot.
550
00:25:29,404 --> 00:25:31,114
Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too.
551
00:25:31,156 --> 00:25:36,202
- Yes, Robert Loggia,
Ben Kingsley, both old.
552
00:25:36,244 --> 00:25:39,289
I was going to put up some new
pictures,
553
00:25:39,330 --> 00:25:42,083
but all of the ink in
the printer was gone.
554
00:25:42,125 --> 00:25:43,501
- Oh.
- The point is
555
00:25:43,543 --> 00:25:46,171
that everyone in this
room is protected somehow.
556
00:25:46,212 --> 00:25:49,549
Stanley, minority; Kelly,
minority;
557
00:25:49,591 --> 00:25:52,761
Oscar, gay minority, so twice
cursed.
558
00:25:52,802 --> 00:25:56,723
But, what about Phyllis and
Creed and me,
559
00:25:56,765 --> 00:25:59,225
proud members of the greatest
generation?
560
00:25:59,267 --> 00:26:01,019
- Michael, I think that's our
parents.
561
00:26:01,061 --> 00:26:02,979
No, no, no, no. No.
562
00:26:03,021 --> 00:26:05,857
Our parents were great. I love
my mom.
563
00:26:05,899 --> 00:26:07,108
But, greatest? Mm-mm.
564
00:26:08,526 --> 00:26:12,238
That is us. My generation
is all about hard work.
565
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:16,326
They accomplished things
like the moon landing
566
00:26:16,368 --> 00:26:19,704
or Vietnam, Rolling
Stones, greatest band ever.
567
00:26:19,746 --> 00:26:22,624
- You're forty-three. Mick
Jagger's like sixty-five.
568
00:26:22,665 --> 00:26:24,417
And still rockin'!
569
00:26:24,459 --> 00:26:28,380
But, okay, Phyllis, Creed, me,
we're not as young as some.
570
00:26:28,421 --> 00:26:31,966
But, is that any reason
to be jerks to us? No.
571
00:26:32,008 --> 00:26:36,971
Because, under U.S. law, the
law prohibits discrimination
572
00:26:37,013 --> 00:26:38,890
against the old and useless.
573
00:26:40,016 --> 00:26:41,101
Technically, he's right.
574
00:26:41,142 --> 00:26:42,352
Hey, shut up Toby.
575
00:26:42,394 --> 00:26:44,938
Look, one of the greatest
all-time oldies
576
00:26:44,979 --> 00:26:46,940
was a man named Confucius.
577
00:26:46,981 --> 00:26:51,444
A guy who literally invented
the ancient Chinese secret.
578
00:26:51,486 --> 00:26:52,946
Here's some of his quotes.
579
00:26:52,987 --> 00:26:56,074
Confucius say, "Man who farts in
church
580
00:26:56,116 --> 00:26:58,326
must sit in his own pew."
581
00:26:59,661 --> 00:27:04,416
Confucius say, "Man with hand
in pocket feels cocky all day."
582
00:27:05,083 --> 00:27:07,836
Confucius also say, "Virgin like
balloon.
583
00:27:07,877 --> 00:27:10,213
One prick, all gone!"
584
00:27:10,255 --> 00:27:11,506
Did you Google Confucius
585
00:27:11,548 --> 00:27:13,425
and just print out the
first thing you saw?
586
00:27:13,466 --> 00:27:15,802
- No, I skipped through
all of the boring parts
587
00:27:15,844 --> 00:27:18,138
and went right to his joke
page, which, you know what?
588
00:27:18,179 --> 00:27:21,099
Proves to me that he was an old
guy,
589
00:27:21,141 --> 00:27:23,143
but he was also hilarious.
590
00:27:23,184 --> 00:27:24,602
- Michael Scott?
- That is me.
591
00:27:24,644 --> 00:27:28,523
Come on in. Who is this old
fart?
592
00:27:28,565 --> 00:27:30,900
Did you just stagger off the
street?
593
00:27:30,942 --> 00:27:33,028
Out of a box or something?
594
00:27:33,069 --> 00:27:35,113
Who's this worthless bag of
bones?
595
00:27:35,155 --> 00:27:37,824
Well, this guy is none other
than one
596
00:27:37,866 --> 00:27:40,952
of the founders of Dunder
Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder.
597
00:27:41,953 --> 00:27:42,787
Huh?
(applause)
598
00:27:42,829 --> 00:27:46,833
Oh, yeah. Yes!
599
00:27:46,875 --> 00:27:47,959
Thank you everyone.
600
00:27:48,001 --> 00:27:49,044
- Michael, can I talk to you a
second?
601
00:27:49,085 --> 00:27:53,381
- Sure thing. 'Scuse me.
(door clicks)
602
00:27:53,798 --> 00:27:56,009
- We have actual work to do.
- Fine.
603
00:27:56,051 --> 00:27:58,511
Then I will call David
Wallace and you can explain
604
00:27:58,553 --> 00:28:00,722
to him why you threw the
founder of the company out
605
00:28:00,764 --> 00:28:01,765
on his ancient butt.
606
00:28:05,310 --> 00:28:08,521
Bob, how old are you?
607
00:28:08,563 --> 00:28:12,108
- I'm 87.
- Eighty-seven years young
608
00:28:12,150 --> 00:28:13,818
and still active.
609
00:28:13,860 --> 00:28:14,944
That is great.
610
00:28:14,986 --> 00:28:16,529
Did you know, that Bob is still
a member
611
00:28:16,571 --> 00:28:18,073
of the Board of Dunder Mifflin?
612
00:28:18,114 --> 00:28:21,368
- Well, I, I, I haven't been
to a board meeting in years.
613
00:28:21,409 --> 00:28:23,620
I, I send a proxy.
614
00:28:23,661 --> 00:28:26,706
- Ah, still sends his
own proxy. Good for you.
615
00:28:26,748 --> 00:28:29,501
- I'm gonna live for a very long
time.
616
00:28:29,542 --> 00:28:32,212
My grandma Schrute lived to be
101.
617
00:28:32,253 --> 00:28:35,256
My grandpa Manheim is 103,
618
00:28:35,298 --> 00:28:38,093
and still puttering
around down in Argentina.
619
00:28:38,134 --> 00:28:39,511
I tried to go visit him once,
620
00:28:39,552 --> 00:28:42,722
but my travel visa was protested
by the Shoah Foundation.
621
00:28:42,764 --> 00:28:46,226
- I started this company in
1949.
622
00:28:46,267 --> 00:28:47,435
- Wow.
- Back then,
623
00:28:47,477 --> 00:28:50,397
it was an uh, an industrial
supplier
624
00:28:50,438 --> 00:28:54,192
of metal brackets mostly
for, for construction.
625
00:28:54,234 --> 00:28:56,695
- Oh, boy.
- And then Mifflin,
626
00:28:56,736 --> 00:28:58,905
of course he killed himself
later.
627
00:28:58,947 --> 00:29:01,825
Uh, but I knew Mifflin
through the Rotary Club.
628
00:29:01,866 --> 00:29:04,369
- Great.
- And he was,
629
00:29:04,411 --> 00:29:08,415
he was at dinner with
Beverly and her husband,
630
00:29:08,456 --> 00:29:09,874
wha, what was his name?
631
00:29:09,916 --> 00:29:14,379
Um, uh, Jerry, Jerry Trupiano
from, from South Jersey
632
00:29:15,380 --> 00:29:16,589
and he was tall.
633
00:29:17,465 --> 00:29:20,385
Both he and Mifflin were tall
guys.
634
00:29:20,427 --> 00:29:21,553
- Great.
- And-
635
00:29:21,594 --> 00:29:23,638
- That's great. Thank you for
coming in.
636
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,682
Robert Dunder everybody. Thank
you.
637
00:29:25,724 --> 00:29:27,475
(applause)
That was wonderful.
638
00:29:27,517 --> 00:29:28,560
Do you have a ride?
639
00:29:28,601 --> 00:29:30,478
- Well I, I, I came here in a
cab.
640
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:31,396
- Perfect.
- Well,
641
00:29:31,438 --> 00:29:32,647
could you get me another-
642
00:29:33,565 --> 00:29:35,984
- Inspirational. What have we
learned?
643
00:29:36,026 --> 00:29:38,862
Well, we have learned that you
can't teach
644
00:29:38,903 --> 00:29:42,949
an old dog new tricks,
because it's illegal,
645
00:29:42,991 --> 00:29:44,701
and you will go to jail.
646
00:29:44,743 --> 00:29:46,327
- I think that I should help him
get home.
647
00:29:46,369 --> 00:29:47,454
No, no. Don't help him.
648
00:29:47,495 --> 00:29:48,955
He doesn't need help, Pam.
649
00:29:57,422 --> 00:29:58,381
What a nice guy.
650
00:29:59,674 --> 00:30:01,760
- Good night guys.
- Good night.
651
00:30:02,927 --> 00:30:05,305
- Well, today was a
fantastic waste of time.
652
00:30:05,347 --> 00:30:07,307
- I disagree, I think
it was very valuable.
653
00:30:07,349 --> 00:30:09,559
- Michael, technology
helps business, okay?
654
00:30:09,601 --> 00:30:10,685
You should not resist it.
655
00:30:10,727 --> 00:30:12,312
This is the way the world is
moving.
656
00:30:12,354 --> 00:30:13,646
I happen to think the old ways
657
00:30:13,688 --> 00:30:16,066
of doing business are
better and I can prove it.
658
00:30:17,025 --> 00:30:19,110
- Okay, I look forward
to hearing your ideas.
659
00:30:21,071 --> 00:30:22,322
Where do you wanna go?
660
00:30:22,364 --> 00:30:24,532
- You know, some place
romantic and expensive.
661
00:30:24,574 --> 00:30:25,700
Kelly, come on.
662
00:30:25,742 --> 00:30:27,243
You know what? You're right.
663
00:30:27,285 --> 00:30:30,622
I'm feeling kind of nauseous
anyway. So, you know, skip it.
664
00:30:36,961 --> 00:30:39,422
- Are you enjoying your
vegetarian noodles?
665
00:30:39,464 --> 00:30:42,926
Very much. How's your meat?
666
00:30:42,967 --> 00:30:44,969
Dry, delicious.
667
00:30:49,599 --> 00:30:50,517
I heard a joke today.
668
00:30:50,558 --> 00:30:53,144
Oh, that's funny.
669
00:30:53,186 --> 00:30:54,896
Yes, it was.
670
00:30:59,401 --> 00:31:01,111
- Are you enjoying your mineral
water?
671
00:31:02,070 --> 00:31:05,490
- I can't do this. I can't be
with you.
672
00:31:05,532 --> 00:31:07,409
Every time I look in your eyes
673
00:31:07,450 --> 00:31:10,412
I see Sprinkles' stiff lifeless
body.
674
00:31:10,453 --> 00:31:13,331
- Then don't look in my
eyes. Look right here.
675
00:31:13,373 --> 00:31:14,874
It's an old sales trick.
676
00:31:14,916 --> 00:31:18,378
- I'm sorry. I gave
this everything I could.
677
00:31:18,420 --> 00:31:20,672
- No, please don't do this,
monkey.
678
00:31:20,714 --> 00:31:21,715
I will leave your toothbrush
679
00:31:21,756 --> 00:31:23,675
on top of your tire tomorrow
morning.
680
00:31:32,517 --> 00:31:35,145
- I'm not saying I had a
meteoric rise.
681
00:31:36,229 --> 00:31:39,274
But, I did and if they
knew how much I was paying
682
00:31:39,315 --> 00:31:43,069
for my haircut now, they
wouldn't be giving me a noogie.
683
00:31:45,030 --> 00:31:46,197
It was $200.
684
00:31:48,033 --> 00:31:49,868
- The one advantage to being
older is
685
00:31:49,909 --> 00:31:52,078
that I know a few things
about a few things,
686
00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:54,497
and I am young enough to not
forget them.
687
00:31:54,539 --> 00:31:57,292
And old enough to know the
difference between the two.
688
00:31:58,710 --> 00:32:00,962
I am old enough to take
advantage
689
00:32:01,004 --> 00:32:03,131
of age discrimination laws,
690
00:32:04,090 --> 00:32:06,968
but young enough to date college
girls.
691
00:32:08,345 --> 00:32:13,350
But old enough to know
better. I'm at a perfect age.
692
00:32:13,391 --> 00:32:16,770
I could die now. But I
won't, because I am young.
693
00:32:18,855 --> 00:32:22,025
(upbeat theme music)
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