Original subtitles

- What do you think of my cool new ride? Pretty sweet!

It's just a rental. My Sebring's in the body shop.

Get some work done.

Had to have the dent taken out of the hood

where I hit Meredith.

[GPS] Destination is ahead.

- Thank you, invisible driving companion.

It's not an invisible companion. It's a GPS machine.

That thing is so amazing.

This is like having a computerized map in your car.

- [GPS] Destination is on the right.

- Why thank you. Love that voice.

I don't know.

Something so soothing about it, like taking a warm bath.

(phone rings) Oh, oh, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Ah, it is my lady love. Smello?

- [Jan] Where the (beep) are my Grape Nuts?

- I don't- - I just wanna know.

Did you eat my Grape Nuts?

Uh, no, I hate those things.

- Grow up, Michael! - I lo-

(dial tone)

Not a morning person.

(car beeps)

- [GPS] Sorry, I don't understand that command.

(car beeps)

Sorry, I don't understand that command.

- Hey. - Hey.

[Pam] I gotcha one.

- Oh wow, thank you. - Yeah.

- [Jim] I'm just gonna grab some chips. You want some

- No, thanks. Uh, we're still having lunch today, right?

I guess.

How dare you.

(door clicks)

Hey, Toby. What's this?

- Oh. - I just want

to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA

or public displays of affection.

- Yes, uh some people in the office have complained.

- Oh really. - About some other people

engaging in PDA and, you know, I just wanted to remind.

It's not appropriate to, to do that.

- Is this about me and Jan, in my office?

Because I will have you know that that was consensual.

What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here.

I don't think. I don't think anyone heard anything.

We were very discreet and,

and most people had left by that point.

So I don't think it's any of your business.

What I think you should do is

roll up the memo, real tight-

- Okay, look the memo is not about you.

- For the record, I have never been involved

with anyone at work, in any capacity.

Alright everyone, look, it,

all right the complaint was about Jim and Pam, so-

- No way. - What?

You guys are together?

Um, yup.

Yes, we are.

Whoa! Wow!

- Tuna! - Awesome!

- I knew it! - You guys!

- Congratulations to the two of you.

- Yes, yes! - Toby,

was this your fun little way of congratulating us?

- Yes. - Okay, mind is exploding.

Get over here. Come on.

Come here. Okay, okay, stand up.

Okay, here we go.

Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy

because today is the day that Jim and Pam become one.

- Actually, we've been dating for a couple months.

I love you guys, so much.

- Oh. (phone rings)

- Phone's ringing. - No, no, no.

Pam let 'em ring.

Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love.

Because this is really good, this is really good.

My heart soars with the eagles nest.

- I don't see it. I think they both could do better.

I knew they were dating.

He complimented her sweater yesterday and it was hideous.

- It's not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress.

Jim and Pam? Huh?

I always thought they were brother and sister.

Good for Pam!

I was starting to think she was gonna die alone.

Jim Halpert's off the market.

Guess who just became the best looking

single guy in the office?

(upbeat theme music)

- Hey. Can you make that straighter?

That's what she said.

- Did you plan that? - No.

- "Can you make that straighter?"

"That job looks hard."

"You should put your mouth on that."

How can you even use that one naturally?

Blowing up balloons I thought.

- [Pam] You might want to trim it a little.

Oh, is Ryan coming back today?

- Yeah, he is. - Oh.

- Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting.

Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.

(door clicks) (footsteps tap)

What do you want?

To give you this.

Oh, what is that?

It's a feral barn cat.

I trapped him last night and I'm giving him to you

as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed.

There was an unfortunate incident

involving Angela's old, sick cat, me,

some antihistamines, and the cat's intentional death.

And now, Angela might not want

to continue our professional accountant

slash salesman association.

Her name was Sprinkles.

And his name is Garbage.

Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage.

Don't you, Garbage?

(Dwight imitates eating)

- I can't believe you just thought

you could replace Sprinkles before she's even in the ground.

You haven't buried her yet?

Don't rush me. I'm grieving.

- Garbage can be very helpful. Okay, he's a youthful cat.

He killed an entire family of raccoons. Look at him.

- I don't want Garbage! I want Sprinkles!

- Sprinkles is dead. Sprinkles was in pain and no longer is.

Thanks to me.

- I'm in pain, Dwight. Are you gonna kill me?

Hey, if it ever came to that,

it would be the hardest day of my life.

(door clicks)

(Garbage meows)

- Hey, Toby. - Hey, you two.

- Hey, so now that we are dating,

uh, we just wanted to know if we had to sign one

of those "we're dating" things for the company.

- Oh, well, you know, those were only for,

you know, relationships, so, if,

if this is just a casual thing, there's no need, really.

- Oh. - Well,

I don't wanna speak for Jim, but, it's like pretty official.

Uh huh.

- [Jim] Sorry, so, do we need to sign one, or?

- Let's just wait and see what happens. You know?

- What? - Let's just wait.

- Oh, okay. - Okay.

- Great. (phones ring)

(door clicks)

Hey Ryan!

- Welcome back. - Hold on one second.

(phones ring)

Hey Pam! It's great to see you.

Is Michael in?

- Hey! - Yeah.

There he is! There he is!

He's back! And he's with a beard.

(Michael laughs)

He has facial hair. Look at him!

All grown up and no place to go.

Hello, Mr. Sonny Crockett. I'm Tubbs.

Okay, should we get started?

- Oh, yeah, let's get started because uh, yes,

'cause, this is very serious business and um-

- Yep, exactly. This is a business meeting.

- Business meeting. - Fire guy!

Stop that!

That's right! That's right!

- You scared me. - Fire guy.

- He's the fire guy. - Don't start any fires, Ryan.

- Fire guy! (Andy imitates explosions)

You weren't here for that.

Here for what?

When he started the fire.

- Look how big he is. Look at you!

You are so mature and old and a little man now.

You're like our little man.

Little old man boy.

- Michael, everybody, um-

- Beard. - Bearded man boy.

Let me just say something.

I know I used to be a temp here,

but now everything is different.

I'd like your respect. I am your boss now.

You're gonna have to treat me that same way you treated Jan.

- Oh, wow! - So-

- That's a little kinky. I don't swing that way.

- Okay. - Woooo!

- (Michael laughs) - Swing that way.

- I think Ryan has a gay crush on me.

Enough! Okay?

This is inappropriate and it stops right now.

- Do you understand? - Yes.

Everybody, come on, settle down. Let's get serious here.

Um, Ryan, has a very special, important presentation to do,

which we will be doing in the conference room in 10 minutes?

- Perfect. - Sound good?

Okay, all right.

- And they say New Yorkers aren't friendly.

Yeah, Ryan snapped at me,

but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on,

which said, "Dude, we're friends.

I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now.

And I have to seem like an ogre.

But you know me and you trust me and we like each other.

And we'll always be friends.

And I would never take you for granted in a million years.

And I miss you, man. And I love you."

- So, how are you? - Awesome!

I am dating a lot of guys.

- Good. - A lot!

Black guys, mostly.

- Kelly? - What?

Um?

Oh, okay, okay, just...

(paper crinkles)

(Michael clears throat)

Well, our old friend Ryan Howard is back

and we are gonna give a little presentation

about the future of our company.

So, please listen up.

- What? - Have a seat

with everybody else.

You don't want me to help?

- You don't know what I'm gonna talk about.

Actually, can you do me a favor?

- Yes. - Can you get me

a cold water?

- I got it. - That's all right, Pam.

Michael's got it.

- Um, yes, I'll be right back! - Thank you.

- That was slightly harsh. Don't you think?

- I spent three years driving around,

getting him yams and magic wands.

He can get me water.

- I think I know what's going on.

Ryan believes that there is some sort of special boss water

that he gets to drink now and there isn't.

But, um, don't tell him. Don't tell him that.

I don't want to jeopardize our friendship.

- Dunder Mifflin Infinity represents a floor

to ceiling streamlining of our business model.

The center piece of the campaign is

a new business-to-business website interface

that will allow us to compete directly with big box chains.

Wait a second.

Last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website.

And quite frankly,

I'm not really sure what's wrong with it.

This is a massive overhaul.

We're getting younger, sleeker, and more agile

with the way that we adapt to the market place.

All essential personnel will

be issued Blackberries for company use.

- Ooh, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

- I'll stick around to help you set them up afterwards.

Any questions? Dwight?

- What if we don't want to use a Blackberry

because they are stupid and pointless?

- This is company-wide, Dwight.

- Got it. - Andy.

- We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity.

You know, push the words together?

- Any other questions? Kelly Kapoor.

- Can we speak privately about our relationship?

Thank you everybody.

- Ryan Howard everybody. Good job.

(clapping)

- That's some fun stuff. When does the website go up?

As fast as possible.

We want to start retraining people A.S.A.P.,

so we can hit the ground running with a new system.

- Cool beans. I've seen this before in rock 'n' roll.

Anyone who talks about fresh ideas is a threat

to someone over the age of 40.

So, it's scramble time.

- We're screwed. - Who is?

- Us? You and me, the old timers.

I am not old. You are old.

You are like a hundred.

- You're over 40, that's the cut off.

Are you listening to what he's saying?

Re-training, new system, youth.

I'm telling you this kid is the grim reaper.

You deal with this or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis,

the chick you hit with the car, we're goners.

- I swore I wouldn't tell anyone this,

but in the interest of revealing secrets.

Oh my God, this will make your brain explode.

Um, Dwight and Angela, dating,

have been for six months.

- No. - Swear to God.

Aww, this is great.

I was actually gonna wait and tell you on your birthday,

but this is much more fun.

- No, they have been dating for like two years,

since before your barbecue.

Wait. What?

You knew? And you didn't say anything?

You didn't say anything to me?

Fair enough. Wow!

We should have started dating like a long time ago.

- Can you believe that- - Sorry,

I didn't know you guys were in here.

- Oh no, we're just sitting here.

I couldn't see your hands.

Hey Pam, by the way, it's great that you're dating.

But when a new client calls,

you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person.

You can't base who gets new clients

on who you're sleeping with that week, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. And that is why we waited so long to tell people.

(tapping on phones)

(pounding on phone)

- Okay, what's up? - Yeah, 'kay.

I was just, after the presentation,

just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vis me and the office,

everything in the office is business as usual?

- Well it is business, but not as usual.

Yeah, no, I understand.

We're making great strides and we're updating,

but business as usual, no?

- No. We're throwing out the entire playbook.

We're starting from scratch.

We're implementing a brand new system.

- Good, so, we're on the same page?

No. We're not.

Okay, are you, um,

are you making personnel changes?

We don't know yet.

It depends on how the division realignment works out.

Our sales are good.

Your sales are flat.

- Well, we had a bumpy patch last year.

We were dragged down by one of our salesmen,

who didn't actually make a sale while he was here.

And now he has a beard.

- (Michael snickers) - Michael,

I know exactly how much time

and man power are wasted in this branch.

This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient.

You need to prepare yourself.

- We had a foreign exchange student live

with us when I was young and we called him my brother.

And that's what I thought he was.

Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia,

taking all of my blue jeans with him.

And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts.

That is what Ryan is like,

a fake brother who steals your jeans.

Ryan is causing some problems.

And you were always good at handling him.

What should I do to control him?

- Well, he's super-ticklish, I don't know if that helps.

- I know, I know. No, something else.

- Oh, he's also super-insecure about his height.

- Uh-huh. - And he doesn't care

- about anybody but himself. - Good.

- And don't have sex with him, 'cause if you do,

the next two years of your life will be a total waste of time.

- I'm serious. - I know.

- Don't have sex with him, Michael!

[Michael] I know, I know.

- He tried to give me a new cat to replace Sprinkles.

As if you could replace Sprinkles!

- He just has a hard time expressing himself.

- Well, it's really upsetting me.

And, you probably noticed, but this last week,

I've been a raging bitch.

- Hmm. - What should I do?

- Look, there's a lot of good parts

to the relationship, right?

None of your business.

- Right! Well, just try to focus on those.

Why don't you guys go out to dinner tonight

and talk about whatever you always talk about.

- Maybe you're right. - Yeah.

I said maybe.

- Wait, uh, how do you touch just one

of these buttons at a time?

I don't know.

Did you even try?

- If the kid wants to set mine up, I'll let him.

Until then...

It's not that I don't like technology.

I just don't like people tellin' me how to do business

and I don't like Ryan.

- [Kelly] I want you to tell me that you care about me.

That is what I want.

- [Ryan] Kelly, I'm your boss now, okay?

You can't keep talking to me like I'm your boyfriend.

- Oh big strong man, fancy new whatever.

I don't think you ever cared about me.

I never cared about you?

Six months ago Karen Filippelli sent me an email,

asked me out.

I said no, because I was committed to our relationship.

- Well, I hope you're still committed because I'm pregnant.

(earrings jingle)

And guess what buddy, I am keeping it.

Okay, okay.

- Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby?

- I can, I can't talk about this right now, okay?

After work, we'll go out to dinner.

We'll talk about it then, okay?

(phones ring)

We have a date!

- Hi, Jan. - Hi.

- Is Michael in? - In his office.

- You can go right in. - Okay, thanks.

- Hey! - Jan?

Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.

- How are you? - Nice, good.

Look at you in your grownup clothes. Wow!

- Look at you; my God! - Wow, wow.

- Laid back Jan! - Yeah.

- It like, uh, like everyday is casual Friday now.

So elephant in the room, I have your old job.

- Well, not exactly my job. I had a different title.

- Oh well, excuse me, same office, same responsibilities.

- Different salary. (laughs) You'll get there, don't worry.

Well, you look great.

Thank you, thank you.

Scranton suits you.

Best decision I ever made.

You were let go.

I love the beard,

makes you look like you've got some character.

- Hey. - Hey.

(door slams)

- Hello. - Hello, Dwight.

I've been thinking about things and I wanted

to know if you would have dinner with me tonight?

- Really? - Yes.

- I'll make a reservation. No, no.

Let me cook for you, cauliflower and noodles,

baked potato on the side.

- I would prefer a public place. See you after work.

(door thuds) (Dwight sighs)

(chips crunch) (Jan sighs)

(Jan whistles)

- Michael, please would you not email

while we're having lunch?

I'm not. It's solitaire, see?

Blackberry, why would anyone name

something like this after a fruit?

You wouldn't name an iPod after a fruit.

(Blackberry thuds)

Excuse me while I type on my Banana.

I'm gonna go to the Orange store

and buy an Apricot computer.

Apple.

What is the actual deal with these things

in terms of testicles?

What?

- I don't want to grow weird sperm

in case we ever want to have kids.

So, what's Ryan doing here?

- Oh, I dunno, they're launching a big new business plan.

New website, blah blah blah.

He's being a real twerp about it, so, it's all about youth,

and agility and streamlining

and trying to squeeze out the older people.

- He's such a snake. - Well-

- I hope he's gets hit with an ageism suit.

- What is that word? - Ageism?

Companies they can't discriminate

against people due to old age.

Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some

of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age

and then Ed Truck, your old boss,

threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off.

So older people have just

as many rights as younger people?

Yes, Michael, they do.

- Okay, everyone, I have a conference call, but after that,

I'm going to lead a Blackberry tutorial

for anyone who's having any problems.

Who here's set theirs up?

Great. Well, I will see the rest of you at 2:30.

- You didn't set up your Blackberry, Dwight?

- Yes, I did, but I do not intend to use it.

It is pointless technology.

- As opposed to? - Printing press,

tractor, mechanical thresher, telephone, airplane,

the only inventions that matter.

What about cars?

- They fall under the category of airplanes.

- They do? So, cars are flightless airplanes.

- Correct. - Got it.

They're like the penguins of the airplane family.

That's an excellent analogy.

- Thanks. - Hey, Dwight,

what about vaccines?

- (scoffs) Vaccines are for chumps!

My mom didn't believe in vaccines.

I got my smallpox the old-fashioned way and I survived.

So, joke's on you hospitals.

- The word is ageism. Who came up with it?

When can you use it?

How old do you have to be for it to kick in?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Is it even real?

- Mm-hmm. - Or is Jan

just playin' a prank on me?

- Okay, I'm willing to investigate.

But, I need two days access to petty cash

and a kitten, purebred.

- You have an hour and you get nothing.

- I'm on it. - Okay.

(door thuds)

(phones ring)

- Creed? - Yes, sir.

- Everything okay? - Everything's cool, dude.

I'm thirty. Well, in November I'll be thirty.

- Is there another meeting scheduled?

I was gonna do the Blackberry tutorial in here.

- Michael told us to wait in here. We don't know why.

- Oh, man. - Good, we're all here.

We can get started.

- Michael. - Have a seat.

We're not doing this today.

- Have a seat like everybody else.

- Okay, this is- - Still my office, Ryan.

Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today.

Well, new ideas are fine, but they are also illegal,

because they are a form of ageism.

What? Yes, I am right.

Did you know that the Age Discrimination

and Employment Act of 1967

prohibits employment discrimination based on age

with respect to employees 40 years of age or older?

I did. Why do we as a society hate old people so much?

Because they're lame.

No, Creed, no they are not.

In fact, many cultures revere old people

because of their storytelling ability.

Like the old lady from "Titanic."

Or the funny things that they can do,

like "where's the Beef?"

Where's the beef? Where's the beef?

- Why do you have the "Big" picture up again?

You used that already, when you burned your foot.

Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too.

- Yes, Robert Loggia, Ben Kingsley, both old.

I was going to put up some new pictures,

but all of the ink in the printer was gone.

- Oh. - The point is

that everyone in this room is protected somehow.

Stanley, minority; Kelly, minority;

Oscar, gay minority, so twice cursed.

But, what about Phyllis and Creed and me,

proud members of the greatest generation?

- Michael, I think that's our parents.

No, no, no, no. No.

Our parents were great. I love my mom.

But, greatest? Mm-mm.

That is us. My generation is all about hard work.

They accomplished things like the moon landing

or Vietnam, Rolling Stones, greatest band ever.

- You're forty-three. Mick Jagger's like sixty-five.

And still rockin'!

But, okay, Phyllis, Creed, me, we're not as young as some.

But, is that any reason to be jerks to us? No.

Because, under U.S. law, the law prohibits discrimination

against the old and useless.

Technically, he's right.

Hey, shut up Toby.

Look, one of the greatest all-time oldies

was a man named Confucius.

A guy who literally invented the ancient Chinese secret.

Here's some of his quotes.

Confucius say, "Man who farts in church

must sit in his own pew."

Confucius say, "Man with hand in pocket feels cocky all day."

Confucius also say, "Virgin like balloon.

One prick, all gone!"

Did you Google Confucius

and just print out the first thing you saw?

- No, I skipped through all of the boring parts

and went right to his joke page, which, you know what?

Proves to me that he was an old guy,

but he was also hilarious.

- Michael Scott? - That is me.

Come on in. Who is this old fart?

Did you just stagger off the street?

Out of a box or something?

Who's this worthless bag of bones?

Well, this guy is none other than one

of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder.

Huh? (applause)

Oh, yeah. Yes!

Thank you everyone.

- Michael, can I talk to you a second?

- Sure thing. 'Scuse me. (door clicks)

- We have actual work to do. - Fine.

Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain

to him why you threw the founder of the company out

on his ancient butt.

Bob, how old are you?

- I'm 87. - Eighty-seven years young

and still active.

That is great.

Did you know, that Bob is still a member

of the Board of Dunder Mifflin?

- Well, I, I, I haven't been to a board meeting in years.

I, I send a proxy.

- Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you.

- I'm gonna live for a very long time.

My grandma Schrute lived to be 101.

My grandpa Manheim is 103,

and still puttering around down in Argentina.

I tried to go visit him once,

but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.

- I started this company in 1949.

- Wow. - Back then,

it was an uh, an industrial supplier

of metal brackets mostly for, for construction.

- Oh, boy. - And then Mifflin,

of course he killed himself later.

Uh, but I knew Mifflin through the Rotary Club.

- Great. - And he was,

he was at dinner with Beverly and her husband,

wha, what was his name?

Um, uh, Jerry, Jerry Trupiano from, from South Jersey

and he was tall.

Both he and Mifflin were tall guys.

- Great. - And-

- That's great. Thank you for coming in.

Robert Dunder everybody. Thank you.

(applause) That was wonderful.

Do you have a ride?

- Well I, I, I came here in a cab.

- Perfect. - Well,

could you get me another-

- Inspirational. What have we learned?

Well, we have learned that you can't teach

an old dog new tricks, because it's illegal,

and you will go to jail.

- I think that I should help him get home.

No, no. Don't help him.

He doesn't need help, Pam.

What a nice guy.

- Good night guys. - Good night.

- Well, today was a fantastic waste of time.

- I disagree, I think it was very valuable.

- Michael, technology helps business, okay?

You should not resist it.

This is the way the world is moving.

I happen to think the old ways

of doing business are better and I can prove it.

- Okay, I look forward to hearing your ideas.

Where do you wanna go?

- You know, some place romantic and expensive.

Kelly, come on.

You know what? You're right.

I'm feeling kind of nauseous anyway. So, you know, skip it.

- Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles?

Very much. How's your meat?

Dry, delicious.

I heard a joke today.

Oh, that's funny.

Yes, it was.

- Are you enjoying your mineral water?

- I can't do this. I can't be with you.

Every time I look in your eyes

I see Sprinkles' stiff lifeless body.

- Then don't look in my eyes. Look right here.

It's an old sales trick.

- I'm sorry. I gave this everything I could.

- No, please don't do this, monkey.

I will leave your toothbrush

on top of your tire tomorrow morning.

- I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise.

But, I did and if they knew how much I was paying

for my haircut now, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie.

It was $200.

- The one advantage to being older is

that I know a few things about a few things,

and I am young enough to not forget them.

And old enough to know the difference between the two.

I am old enough to take advantage

of age discrimination laws,

but young enough to date college girls.

But old enough to know better. I'm at a perfect age.

I could die now. But I won't, because I am young.

(upbeat theme music)