Original subtitles

- Okay... Well, I did not get the job

in New York, but I got the real prize.

Domestic bliss.

Jan made me breakfast this morning.

Well, she bought the milk.

It's soy.

Very healthy.

I'm trying new things.

New tastes and after tastes,

this is why I do it.

That's what I have to come home to.

(Jan snoring)

(sigh)

She probably won't be up for a few hours.

This is going to be a very good year.

Very good.

Jane is at home.

Jim is back.

My protege, Ryan, is at corporate. Good stuff.

Andy and Dwight are rocking the sales team.

I feel very blessed.

(tires screech) (loud thump)

(upbeat theme music)

**

- Generally, it's not a good idea to click on any Internet

offers that you haven't requested.

What was the exact offer?

- It was for a video. - Yeah.

What kind of video?

A celebrity sex tape.

Really?

- What kind of celebrity? - It's not relevant.

- How much did you pay for it? - Not relevant.

- You paid for it? - It all happened so fast.

I broke up with Karen after

the job interview, and it was a little awkward.

When she came back from the city,

she told me very clearly that just because we were

broken up didn't mean that she was going anywhere,

because she had worked really hard for a career.

But the next day, her desk was empty.

And as for me and my current romantic life,

I uh, I'm single now.

And looking.

So, if you know anybody.

- Jim and I went to dinner a few times

when he got back from New York.

I talked him through his breakup.

It's really nice to be good friends again.

Are you kidding me?

Pam and Jim are totally hooking up.

All they do is smile.

They're just keeping it a secret, right?

I don't know.

There is no evidence of intimacy.

They've been in remarkably good moods.

It could be other things.

Are you kidding me?

And Sunday,

I'm thinking of going to that flea market at the drive in.

Oh, that sounds fun.

I'm mountain biking on Sunday on Montage Mountain.

- Cool, well, have fun with that.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have some bad news.

Meredith was hit by a car.

(group chatter)

- It happened this morning in the parking lot.

I took her to the hospital

and the doctors tried to save her life.

They did the best that they could,

and she is going to be okay.

What is wrong with you?

Why did you have to phrase it like that?

- So, she's really going to be fine?

- Yes. She has a slight

pelvical fracture, but people have survived far worse.

Thank God you were there.

Yeah.

- Did you see who did it? - No need.

We can just check the security tapes.

- Yeah, kind of good news, bad news there.

I was able to be on the scene

so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.

Who was driving?

Oh, Michael.

- One day, Michael came in complaining

about a speed bump on the highway.

I wonder who he ran over then.

You ran over Meredith this

- morning in the parking lot? - And saved her life.

Yes, by taking her to the hospital.

- They cut back the Christmas gift, then,

no personal calls from work.

Now we get run over?

I did get 25 points, though,

for hitting Meredith, like in that movie Death Race 2000.

(quietly) You get points for hitting people.

We need to do any cleanup.

No.

- I've been playing this game for a long time.

Let me tell you something,

Meredith ain't worth no 25 points.

I am heartsick over it.

They look to me to lead them toward a better future,

to fulfill and enrich their lives.

And instead, I put one of them in the hospital.

It's only Meredith.

Yeah, it's only Meredith.

Thank God.

But did you see the way they

looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something.

Hey.

Why did you do it?

It was an accident.

Was she talking back?

- No. - Did you get sick of that face?

Did she owe you money? Uh-oh.

Is this downsizing?

Did she spurn your advances?

- What else? - I don't know.

- You don't like redheads? - What else?

She was late for work.

- How about I hit her by accident?

Okay.

Well, if you ever hit me

with a car, you better kill me because I will come after you.

- I bet that's what they're thinking.

- And this year's, Dundee for best vehicular

manslaughter goes to Michael Scott.

- I have a little tribute to today's events.

* Meredith got run over by Michael's Seabring *

* walking through the office parking lot *

* some might think the driver was drunk and speeding, *

* but only if they don't know Michael Scott *

* Meredith got run over by Michael's Seabring *

Maybe she hit me.

You ever think of that? She hit me?

I don't know whose fault it was.

I wasn't exactly looking at the road.

- * Meredith got run over by a Michael *

*

Sorry.

We should all go visit.

- Yes, I guess we should. - Why is that?

I barely know the woman.

She sits all the way over there. I'd visit Phyllis.

- No, we should go visit and get her a gift.

If everyone puts in $5, we can get a nice bouquet.

- That's a good idea. Good idea.

I will put in ten because I make more.

- And you hit her with your car.

Maybe you should put in your whole damn salary.

- Michael only hit her because she was late.

Show up on time.

And you've got nothing to fear.

That is not true.

It was a horrible accident.

- She should sue you for a million dollars.

- Okay. A million dollars.

What was she going to do with that pelvis? Cure cancer?

What is he doing here?

- The receptionist's porno crashed some hard drives.

- It's okay, Pam, we all do it.

- Hey, guys, we're all going to visit Meredith at lunch

and we're kicking in $5 for flowers.

Who's we?

- You and Jim? - No.

Me and Stanley and Phyllis so far,

Oh. I bet Jim goes too.

- Yeah, I haven't asked him yet.

Oh, I bet you asked.

I was planning on it.

I bet you were.

- Are you coming? - I can't.

Sprinkles is sick.

She's been sick for some time. Thank you for asking.

No one asks about Sprinkles.

I have to give her her meds. I have to pet her.

And who will she eat lunch with?

- Can't your other cats keep her company?

- There's bad blood, jealousies, cliques.

Angela, you are the chairman

of the party planning committee.

I shouldn't even be planning this, It's your job.

All right.

Don't worry, Angela.

You can eat lunch alone with Sprinkles tomorrow.

Sometimes I curse the fact

that I was gifted with the ability to party plan.

I mean, why couldn't I be a good for nothing fatso

like the rest of this office?

Hello, Hunter, it's Michael.

Yes, Jan is fine. Awesome, fantastic.

Thank you for asking.

Is the man in? So, Ryan got promoted to corporate,

where he is a little fish in a big pond.

Whereas back here in Scranton,

I am still top dog in a fairly large pond.

So who is the real boss?

The dog or a fish?

My Lord, my Liege.

Yes, Michael.

- So. I need a little treat for the gang.

Something to win their affections back.

Back?

Why is that, Michael?

- Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.

(Ryan groans)

Did you do this on purpose?

- No, I was being negligent, but she's in the hospital.

She's fine, recovering nicely.

Tiny little crack on her pelvis.

But she will be up and...

- Did this happened on company property?

Yes, it was on company

property with company property.

So double jeopardy. We are fine.

- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.

- Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is, we're fine?

- People keep calling me a "wunderkind"?

I don't even know what that means.

I know what it means.

It means very successful for your age,

so, I guess it makes sense, but it's a weird word.

Look, I'm not going to give

you a prize for running over an employee.

- Well, how does it benefit me for you to be in corporate

if you don't cut me some slack?

- It's not going to benefit you to have me in corporate.

- Well, then cut me some slack.

I mean, come on, you rub my back, I'll rub yours.

Goodbye, Michael.

See ya.

Made a sale.

I do not know what they were thinking.

- Hey, D. - Hey, monkey, what's up?

- Can you do me a little favor?

Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine?

- Sure. - I have to visit the alky.

- Check to see if she's faking.

If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis.

You know what?

I bet she cracked it at home.

Jumped in front of the car to get some worker's comp.

I wouldn't put it past her.

- My girlfriend who you have never met.

Your loss. Is the only person I can ever imagine being with.

We go together like topsoil and manure,

like a tractor and a dozer blade, like mulch and manure.

So, what do you need me to do?

- I wrote it out. There's a diabetes shot.

Roll the insulin in your hands. Don't shake it.

She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal.

If you have to put her right in front of the dish or she

won't see it because of the cataracts. Mix one

capsule of Omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine.

And you want to give

that to her 15 minutes after she's eaten.

And, Oh, there's a fungal cream because

she has this infection under her tail.

So, you're going to have to lift her tail and put

the cream right at the base of her tail.

Hey, Toby.

Kelly, we're going to visit Meredith at lunch.

Kelly?

Well, Kelly's been so upset

about Ryan dumping her that she can't even talk.

- Okay, I have an announcement. - You pushed Darryl out

- the window? - No.

- You shot Dwight? - No, no, that is not funny.

I love my employees, even though I hit one of you

with my car, for which I take full responsibility.

But did you ever think of this?

Would a sober person walk in front of a car?

- Hey, Oh. - I'm sorry,

are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9 a.m.?

- Well... - That's despicable Michael.

There's no proof of that.

- That seems early, even for her.

- That's not what, no. No, I'm not saying that.

- That's disgusting - Drunk?

No, you can't get drunk off Kahlua.

It's just a kind of coffee.

Then what are you saying?

I am saying

that maybe I was drunk.

Did you ever think of that?

No.

Okay, look, I'm just trying

to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable

tragedy and onto more positive things.

So, I thought we should plant a tree.

- Oh, good. Means we don't have to work.

- Okay, we're leaving for the hospital at one.

- So, like a freedom tree. - I can take three people.

- I can also take three people. - Separate cars.

- Pam. - All right, we'll get a card

at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room.

- Pam. - Sales people can go

later in the day. Hourly workers can go at lunch.

Okay, good, good.

So, we'll just all go down there together at lunch.

- Excellent. - I was thinking that...

- Good work, Pam. Yay, Pam.

All right, since I am the boss, I will drive as well.

- Who wants shotgun? - You can't be serious.

You ran a woman over this morning.

- Everyone inside the car was fine.

Stanley. Guess what?

I have flaws.

What are they? Oh, I don't know.

I sing in the shower.

Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering.

Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car.

So sue me.

No, don't sue me. That's the opposite

of the point that I am trying to make.

Hey, Jim.

- Kev. - Hey.

I've got a good friend.

Yeah, she's really cool.

- Mmmhmm. - 26.

She has a great sense

of humor, loves mountain biking and the theater.

- Great. - Maybe you would like to date

her since you're not seeing someone.

Sure.

- Well, then, how about tomorrow night?

- Oh, I can't tomorrow night because I have plans.

Why don't you just give me

a number and I'll call her next week.

- What's her name? - Yeah Kevin,

what's her name?

- Now I have to find a cool girl who mountain bikes,

and she has to be 26 with a great sense of humor.

And she has to be my friend.

Shoot.

I hate hospitals. In my mind

they are associated with sickness

and dis-health.

She looks like an angel.

- She looks awful. - No.

- Okay, she always looks like that.

It was not my fault.

- They don't have this kind of technology at the vets.

- It's not fair. - It's fair.

- You know what? Why don't we go around

the room and say one memory of Meredith?

I'll start. I liked her jumpers.

They reminded me of kindergarten.

Jim.

- I'll always remember Meredith's back.

That's all I can see from my desk.

All that red hair over a nice, strong back.

Sometimes I pretend it's

Carrot Top, and he's going to turn around and tell a joke.

She was fun loving.

Okay, no.

I said, Jim.

I think she's awake.

No, she's in a coma.

No.

Okay.

Meredith.

Woo-oo-oo.

Brought all your friends from the office, Dear.

- At the same time? - Yeah.

- Hello, Meredith. - This is weird.

Brought you some balloons.

Here you go.

Tie these up, cheer up your tubes. Oh, shoot.

Oh, for god's sake.

- Nurse. - No, don't bother

the nurse, just put it back in.

I'm going to be sick.

I'm going to puke.

- (group chatter) - What are you doing?

Just give me that.

Thanks.

(Kevin clapping)

Does it hurt terribly?

No, it's not too bad.

They have me on a lot of painkillers.

- Oh, really? What kind?

Codeine, Vicodin, Percocet Fentanyl, OxyContin, Palidone?

I have no idea.

- So, how's the view, old girl?

Oh, there's a cemetery.

You think that's affiliated with the hospital?

Or is it like a separate...?

- Okay, okay, okay, you could just close that.

It was really great of all

of you to come and visit me at the same time.

I'll see you guys at the office.

(group chatter)

- Okay. Wait up, wait up, guys, guys, guys,

Hold on a second.

You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun?

Is if you forgave me in front of everybody.

- Michael, I'm not going to do that.

- You know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness?

Forgiveness is next to Godliness.

- It's not, it's cleanliness. - Just Shh.

You cracked my pelvis.

I didn't crack your pelvis.

My car cracked your pelvis.

- Okay, your car cracked my pelvis.

- Look, I just... - You're not forgiven.

Apart from hitting her

with my car, I have been so kind to that woman.

I have treated her like my grandmother.

Grancy, not Nana.

Meredith is no Nana.

Which one is Jim?

- Hi. - Yeah, heartbreaker.

What are you in for?

Diabetes.

- So, have you read about Iran and the newspaper?

No, please spoiler alerts.

I'm only up till last Monday,

so don't tell me anything about Iran or Iraq.

I want to be surprised.

I don't understand what is preventing you from laughing

this off and giving me a big hug.

You are not forgiven.

- Come on. - Michael.

[All] Michael! Michael!

Meredith won't forgive me.

Who's being mean now?

I ran over her by accident,

and she is not forgiving me on purpose.

Why can't you just forgive me?

Why are you having such a hard time laughing this off?

How do you know that you

weren't born with some sort of abnormal pelvis?

That it was just bound to crack at some point.

Nurse!

- I'm going to go get you a stuffed animal.

- Just need some water, my pills.

There's nothing in here.

Do I need to be liked?

Absolutely not.

I like to be liked.

I enjoy being liked.

I have to be liked.

But it's not like this

compulsive need to be liked.

Like my need to be praised.

- Hey. - Hey, monkey.

Any problems?

- Well, you left the TV on and your cat is dead.

What?

- Sparkles, the white one is dead.

Sprinkles.

- That was the sick one, right?

- I thought she had more time. - No.

Did she, look,

when you saw her, how was she looking?

Really dead.

Like, just a dead cat.

(sobbing)

So, hey, come on.

Don't be sad, okay? Just...

- She's in a better place. - All right.

(sobbing)

- Actually, the place that she's

in is the freezer because of the odor.

(sobbing)

Okay, you know what,

everybody, let's just get over the whole Meredith thing.

She cracked her pelvis.

A tiny little crack, and she's going to be fine.

Michael, Angela's cat died

Sprinkles?

Oh, shoot.

I'm sorry. Angela, man, what a day, huh?

How could it get any worse?

The computer crashes with the porn and then

Meredith with the accident and then Sprinkles, gosh.

That's three things.

These things happen in threes.

- Ryan dumped me. - And Ryan dumped Kelly.

You know, that's four! Damn it.

We're into a new cycle.

I'll tell you what's going on.

This office is cursed,

and we need to do something about it.

Conference room?

- Maybe the conference room, maybe the annex.

I'm saying at least right here is cursed.

Conference room. Ten minutes.

I am taking responsibility

and it is up to me to get rid

of the curse that hit Meredith with my car.

I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

it's relief to know that it's not just me.

The whole office is cursed.

On the other hand,

I may have to deal with the dark unknown.

Okay, let's just start with the obvious.

Did anyone do anything

involving an Indian burial ground?

Like what?

- Like park on it or dig up a body?

Toby, do you have anything you want to tell us?

- No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground.

In fact, I had some good luck recently.

Alfredo's Pizza picked my business card out

of the basket, so I get a week of free pies.

- That's cool. - Yeah, perfect.

So, our tragedy is your good luck.

Satan.

- Question, has anyone recently offended a Gypsy?

- We have to have done something wrong.

You ran over an employee.

That was the curse, Stanley,

and we are trying to find the cause of the curse.

The Indians have this, sorry.

Native Americans have this thing called Karma,

which is a very important aspect of the

TV show, I Am Earl.

Now, Toby winning pizza is bad Karma.

In fact, Toby is bad Karma.

He has done some terrible things.

And because of that,

he is divorced and he doesn't see his kids.

- There's your curse right there.

Toby has kids?

- Sprinkles never hurt a soul.

God, in your infinite wisdom.

How can you do this?

She wasn't ready.

She had so much left to accomplish.

It's only a cat.

You never,

you don't like them.

- Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.

- Dwight, you haven't seen Meredith yet, have you?

- No, I have not. - Well, I think you should go

to the hospital and pay your respects.

I do not respect her.

But I will go.

All right.

I would now like to talk about

each of your individual religious beliefs.

- Oh, Michael, you can't ask about religious beliefs.

Satan is a master of lies.

Everything he says is the opposite.

- All right, well, then you can ask about religious beliefs.

- Thank you for the permission, psych!

All right, let's just go around the room

and tell me what you believe in.

- Catholic. - Okay.

Presbyterian.

- All right. Me too, Same religion.

All right.

- I'm a Lutheran and Bob is a Unitarian.

It keeps things spicy.

That's why we're cursed.

- I've been involved in a number

of cults, both as a leader and a follower.

You have more fun as

a follower, but you make more money as a leader.

- Michael, I believe when two people are right for each

other, that they should start a physical relationship.

Apropos what?

Kelly, you are Hindu.

- So, you believe in Buddha? - That's Buddhist.

- Are you sure? - No.

- I think I know what I'm talking about.

Buddha is fat and cool.

He's like God's fat buddy who drives a car.

He's like God's Chris Farley or God's

Horatio Sands.

And God is like Cuba Gooding Jr.

I'm not saying God is black. God, I think,

is a mixture of all the colors of the spectrum.

- What are you? - Well, if you're going

to reduce my identity to my religion, then I'm Sikh.

But I also like hip hop and NPR.

And I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time.

- Okay, so one Sikh and Oscar, are you Santoria?

I was raised Catholic,

but I'm agnostic now, so I guess I'm a secular humanist.

Oh, great.

We have a secular humanist here.

That is disgusting.

- Michael, do you know what secular humanism is?

Yes, I do.

It is a philosophy that says people can improve their lives

through reason as opposed to religion or superstition.

Oh.

Stupid.

- As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick,

sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its

misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith

alive, we could power a small fan for two days.

You tell me what's unethical.

Blink once, if you want me to pull a plug.

- Don't pull any plugs. - How are you doing, Ms. Palmer?

- Better. - Excellent.

- Are you a doctor or a male nurse?

- I'm an intern, which makes me a doctor.

Her chart doesn't indicate

that she had a hysterectomy, but she did.

Or at least she got time off for one.

- Ah, so, that is where her uterus went.

Miss Palmer, the last tetanus

shot was when you were bitten by bat a few months ago?

- Yes, Dwight here trapped it in a bag against my head.

Just doing my job.

- It also says you recently bitten by a raccoon?

And a rat.

Separate occasions.

- You spend your whole life trying to get people to like

you, and then you run over one person with your car,

and it's not even one of the popular ones

and everybody gets on your case.

Doesn't make any sense.

God is dead.

- If there was a God in Ryan and I would be married by now.

- Maybe believing in God is a mistake.

What did people believe in before?

The sun?

Maybe we should do that.

- Is this what you guys do all day?

Yeah.

Maybe there's some sort

of animal that we can make a sacrifice to, like

a giant Buffalo or some sort of monster,

like something with the body of a walrus,

with the head of a sea lion or

something with a body of an egret

with the head of a Meerkat or just

the head of a monkey with the antlers of a reindeer,

with a body of

a porcupine.

- I will do some research. - Okay.

I can help you with that.

So just to be safe,

they are giving her the rabies vaccine.

Oh, God.

Rabies?

I was in the hospital room with her.

How contagious is that?

- Is that like an STD or? - No, no.

You've got to be bitten by something.

This place is so cursed.

- Actually, the doctor said it was lucky she came

into the hospital because the only way to beat rabies is

to start treatment before the symptoms set in, Lockjaw.

- I know a lot of you are very upset with me for endangering

Meredith's life by hitting her with my car.

But it may make you feel a little bit better to know

that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life

by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it.

- Six of one. Really.

- Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies, which is,

like, ten times worse than a little crack in your pelvis.

Thanks to me

she went to the hospital and I saved her life.

Curse is broken.

Curse is broken, people.

Oh, there is a God, and he has a plan for us after all.

So go home, get some rest.

Very, very good work today.

Got a lot accomplished.

Is there a God?

If not, what are all these churches for?

And who is Jesus' dad?

(car alarm beeps)

- Oh well, if they aren't together now,

then they probably never will be.

I thought they'd be good together.

Like PB and J.

Pam Beasley and Jim.

What a waste.

What a waste.

- I told you I'm not dating anyone.

And even if I was, I don't think it's anyone's business.

I mean, when I do fall in love,

like when it's for real, the last person I'm going

to talk about it to is a camera crew or my coworkers.

Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close

to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be.

Trust me when I fall in love, you'll know.

Man, I'd really like to hit that.

I hope this isn't what he meant.

- I run over Michael every day in my mind.

Is Ryan my boss?

I don't know. He is called the boss.

He has the power over me that a boss has.

So no, we are equals.

Yes, Michael Scott.

Things might be different for him this year.

He can no longer protect

himself by starting a sexual relationship with his boss.

- I've had Sprinkles for 16 years.

I adopted her when I graduated from accounting school.

I knew the kind of life I wanted.

One with a companionship and unpredictable good times

only a cat offers.

- My cousin Moses' best friend was a dog.

One day he was foaming

at the mouth, so I had to shoot him dead.

Turns out he had only eaten one of Moses cream pies.

Did I feel bad for killing him?

No.

That's how you deal with a thief.

Sprinkles lives with me.

Cares for me. Listens to me.

Cheers me up, dries my tears.

Meredith steals my tape.

- Things we don't want on Schrute farms?

Beet weasels, teenagers.

Regular weasels, teenagers with rabies,

unprotected sex. Things we do want on Schrute farms?

A new plow.

(upbeat music)