All language subtitles for Peep.Show.S03E02.Sectioning.DVDRip.XviD-HAGGiS.English

I'm not sick but I'm not well

And I'm so hot

Cos I'm in he-ell...

'This is the life.
A modern man.

'Might have roast beef
and The Culture later.

'Then take The Funday Times
for a shit.'

God, oh dear.

- Another horrible bit?
- Yeah.

'Look at me. I've got a girlfriend.

'A proper girlfriend, reading a
bestseller about child abuse.

'I go out and have croissants.

'I'm just a normal, functioning
member of the human race,

'and there's no way
anyone can prove otherwise.'

So where do you know this
rich bitch from, then?

She's not a rich... Merry's a good
friend of mine and Mark's from uni.

Super Hans!

What? because it's a computer, you think it's
made of spiders' webs and magic?

It's just a metal box, Jez,
they're indestructible.

Really? Because
it looks like it's not...

Hey guys...

How's it going?
Oh, God, I can't get over

how lucky I am to find you, Jez.

'Canadian Merry.
She probably thinks

'I'm getting nowhere with my music,
and that's why I'm doing removals.

'I'll tell her all the cool bands
do removals.

'I'll say Franz Ferdinand
have got their own van.'

It just feels like everything
is coming together. Doesn't it?

Yeah, I guess it does.
Not too sad, though,

what with your mum dying,
and everything?

No, no. Who needs mums? She wasn't
there when I did my ballet exam,

she's not here for me now,
so fuck her.

Yeah, that's a good attitude,
probably.

Too right.

I'm looking for a couple of hip
young gunslingers

to run the pub for me downstairs.

What, that's yours? You own the pub?

I used to run a pub.

Are you kidding?
Would you be interested?

What, us, run a pub?

Well, I've never really thought
about it before, but now that I do,

I think I'd probably like to do that
more than anything else in the world.

Yeah. I am very
particular about the kind

of establishment I run, though.

It needs to make a
political statement, yeah?

A very strong political statement.

Does it? Are you sure?

Because I really don't think
it does, if it's a pub.

Well, that my position,
and it's a deal breaker.

Whee!

'Oh God.
Thank God, thank God it's ending.

'Finally. I've still got
all my fingers intact, too.'

Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah, that was fun.

'Urgh, I feel awful.
I suppose doing things you hate

'is just the price you pay
to avoid loneliness.'

So, what next?

Well, they all look garish and
unsafe, so why don't you choose?

MOBILE BEEPS

Oh, hold on.

'My girlfriend...

'standing next to her boyfriend

'reading a text like it's
the most natural thing in the world.

'I do feel very queasy.'

Oh, Mark.

Mark, this is so weird. Wow.

Are they spamming you
about upgrading to 3G?

No, listen. I applied for this thing.

Barbara said I should,
and I didn't think it would come off.

So I didn't mention.

But it looks like
I might get a promotion.

Well, that's brilliant.

Which would mean me moving
to Bristol.

- 'Oh my God.'
- Permanently.

Ah! Are you OK?

Yeah.
Yeah, just queasy from the waltzer.

Of course. I'm so sorry this
has come up now, we need to talk.

No, really, it's the waltzer.

I'm happy for you. Really.

So, this is the place you're
going to be running for Merry?

Yeah.

Blimey.

So, this is a pub?

Well, it was, and it will be again.

Just imagine, me in the pub all day,
but no one can say anything,

because it's my job,
so I've got to be there.

I'll literally
get paid to go to the pub.

Yeah, I guess it won't be quite like

being paid just to go to the pub,
because you'll be doing pub stuff

- the barrels, the tubes,
the debit card authorisations.

Mark, do you have to live quite
so relentlessly in the real world?

OK, Jez, fine, but have you
done your market research?

Market research?

"If you build it, they will come."
That's my market research.

Your market research
is Field Of Dreams?

I mean, a man who made a baseball
pitch in his garden for ghosts.

That's your role model?

Oi-oi. >

Mr Motivator.

I'm sure this place is
gonna be great.

Yeah, well you're barred. Because I
can do that, I have the power to bar.

And I won't necessarily be using
it wisely or compassionately.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck, yeah, look at this place.

Yeah, I know.
Still, we can move all this crap out

and put a bar, what, over there?

No, mate, no way.

Don't change nothing. It's perfect.

Perfect?

It doesn't even look like a pub.

Exactly. I've been down enough
City boy chain pubs

with their logos in the foam
and disinfectant in the lager.

Air-freshener in the mayo?

No, I want to run a place
that makes a difference.

Yeah. Well, I'm sure we
can sort that out somehow.

Let's start by getting rid of this.

That stays.

That's the reason I fell
in love with this place.

You want a washing machine in the pub?

It'll freak 'em out.

What the fuck's a washing
machine doing in a pub?

Jesus, I need a drink. Yeah?

And boom, they'll have to have
one of our organic scrumpies.

Right, the thing is, Hans, as I've
said before, I really just think

we should serve at least
one lager, and nuts.

You know, people like lager and nuts.

People like Coldplay
and voted for the Nazis.

You can't trust people, Jeremy.

Maybe I should go solo.

I'm starting to have
serious doubts about you.

I can't believe Sophie's just gone.

Do you think she'll stay faithful?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.
People always do.

Yeah, I guess.

Thanks, mate.

Really nice of Merry to
invite us to the flat-warming.

Oh, that's Merry.
God, she's such a laugh.

Didn't you two even have a
thing, back in Darty?

No, we never had a thing.

I thought, didn't you stay over in
her room, the night we did all

the blues - Blues Brothers, Betty
Blue, Blue Velvet, the Big Blue?

Well yes, but nothing happened.

I definitely remember you writing
that very long letter in marker pen,

and then having a
freak-out and burning it.

That was you, wasn't it?

So, the pub.
What are you calling it?

No problem there.
I mean, we're deadlocked on that,

and a few other things, but
I'm definitely not co-managing

a pub called Free The Paedos.

Right, yes.

I can see that.

'Maybe I should get off with
someone at Merry's party,

'in case Sophie does in Bristol.

'Yeah, right. When was the last time
I got off with someone at a party?

'Well, there was Carol Bananaface,

'but that was just
a macabre charade.'

OK, party time
for the El Dude Brothers!

Agh! Agh!

Agh!

'God, life is futile.'

I'm so glad you guys could make it.

Right.

Merry, where is everyone?

Everyone who?
No-one else is coming, it's just us.

Just us?

Yeah.

Look, I'm just going to call Sophie,
check, see what she's up to.

Now listen, Jez,

about the pub.

'Oh, shit, here it comes.
The dream dies.'

I'm going to get rid of the pub.

Oh, right. I just thought

maybe if we could manage it
for a little while...

- Do you want it?
- What?

You see, I'm going to get rid of it.

It's just this big thing
sitting underneath me.

You mean, like own it?

Please take it. Please.

Well, OK, sure.

- Agh!
- Oh my God!

Hey, fuck you, Mark.
The world's not all wrong sometimes.

I'm calling Super Hans.

What's he...

Oh, Mark.

You've turned into
quite a hunk, haven't you?

You're a hunky.

Well, it may surprise you
to learn that

no-one's ever said that to me.

You want to put your
popsicle into my purse?

'Oh, God, I'm being propositioned.'

I wrote you a letter, I didn't
send it, but I don't know if you...

'Letter? Popsicle? This isn't good.'

Right, thank you.

You know,
my bone's got a little machine.

Does it? Really?

OK, I'm just going
to go to the bathroom.

'Maybe I should follow her.
She's so hyper,

'she's probably really great at sex.
But there's always the chance

'I'll get the toilet seat
slammed on my cock for no reason.'

Yeah, totally. But Hans,

all of our major differences would
just kind of drift away

as long as we don't try
and confront them too early. Yeah?

OK, right, I'll see you down there.
Yeah, yeah.

Jeremy, I think
something's wrong with Merry.

She... made a pass at me.

You've got such low
self-esteem, haven't you?

No, Jez, this is serious.

I'm worried about her.
She's not right in the head.

Oh, rubbish. She's always been
a bit full on. She's kooky.

Don't you think -
the party, the pub.

I think she's gone a bit funny.

Oh, right. Now I get it.

She has some faith in Jeremy,
hence she must be mental.

Listen, guys, news flash. If you
need to shit, shit in the bin.

OK, maybe she is a bit up and down.

Hey, Soph, long time no speak.
How's it going?

'Oh, my God, she would have got it
by now, unless Amazon screwed up.

'Except they're so damn efficient.'

'So, I got the book you
sent me, Vox, thanks.

'You know what it's
about, don't you, Mark? '

- Er, no.
- 'Phone sex.'

Oh, blimey.

'I wouldn't be against something
like that, maybe it would be fun.'

Oh, OK, so, do you want to start?

'No, you start.'

OK, I'll just dive in, shall I?

'What am I going to say?

'Clinton would know what to say.
Blair would know what to say.

'Even Putin would know what to say.'

Have you... Have you got... nice tits?

'Well, it's not for me to say,
but... '

You have, you really have.

And feet and arms.

You know, I don't want to
just focus on the sexual parts.

'Look, listen, we might have
to try going a bit dirtier, OK? '

OK, good.

'OK, so a guy's just walked in here,
a big, nice guy without his pants on.

'And he's got a big hard-on.'

He goes. Can we get rid of him?

He goes and puts his pants on.

It's just you and me and...

and Andrew Neil's
interviewing us about politics.

But when the camera's not on us,
we're all hot.

I'm just screwing you, and there's
nothing Andrew Neil can do about it.

- 'Who's Andrew Neil? '
- It doesn't matter.

DOOR SHUTS

Hi, Mark, it's Jeremy.
I'm with Merry, she was outside.

Someone's coming in.

'I'm not into that.'

No, Sophie, he's back,
I've got to go.

Hey, Mark. The Mark man.

Merry's come for her instructions
about the curly whirly cuckoo.

I get the message.

'What the hell is she doing? '

Look, listen, Merry,
have you got any phone numbers

for brothers, sisters, or... people?

Numbers?
Oh yeah, I've got some numbers.

Could you give us the numbers?

Merry, that's just three numbers.

I can put some more if you like.

Merry, I just wonder,

maybe you should be heading home.

Shall we call you a cab?

Yeah, let's call you a cab.

What do you think we should do?

I don't know, I'm scared.
This isn't usual.

Is this your sharpest razor?

It better be sharp, because
I have a damn important meeting.

There you go, nice and tucked.

I can hardly move under here,
I'm just tucked up so tight.

That's good tucking.

That's fine.

What are we going to do, Mark?
She's gone literally bonkers.

I don't know.

I think we should try
and contact someone who's...

- Got more responsibility for her than us?
- Exactly.

But no mum now.

Did she once say something
about an uncle in Canada?

- Who else is there?
- Pedge?

I don't think he's going to take
her off our hands, he works in HMV.

Shit. I just don't know.

We could try the number.

Her three-digit number?

It's worth a try.

It's not going to work.

It doesn't work.

OK, OK, I guess we've just got to

bloody take responsibility,
haven't we?

Hello, NHS Direct?

Hi. Listen, I want to get
my friend sectioned.

Yes, but I don't know
what the procedure is.

How easy would that be to do?

Would I have to be involved
or could I just give you

the house number and assure
you that she's mental?

'lf it turns out to be easy, I could get
a few other troublesome people sectioned.

Get Mark sectioned,
get his nice big room.

'I guess it might cause
a bit of a bump in the friendship,

'but we got over the coffee rings
on the dining table incident. Eventually.

- They're putting me through somewhere.
- Cool.

Hi, Soph, me again.

Really am leaving a lot of
messages for you today, I know.

'So, Merry's gone. If I got sectioned,

'I'd put up more of a fight.
Downside, might get lobotomised.'

Seriously, it's fine,
not calling back.

I hope it's not because
I hung up in the middle of our...

you know... thing.

But really do please call me back.

All my w-w-warmest wishes, Mark.

Ridiculous sign-off.

Not sending her a birthday card.
DOOR BUZZER

Still nothing?

Six calls, nothing back.

I wasn't going to call again,
but then I thought,

Merry being sectioned, a nugget of
sad but interesting news.

Right. A talking point.

Did you try and get me sectioned?

What? Of course not.

Somebody tried to get me sectioned.

Jeremy! Super Hans is here.
Did you try and get him sectioned?

What? Me? No.

- Why, did you try to get him sectioned?
- Of course not.

Well somebody tried
to get me sectioned

and nobody gets
Super Hans sectioned.

Well, I definitely didn't
try to get you sectioned.

'That sounded pretty convincing.'

I guess it was just one of those
freaky urban things

like those people
who go on fire for no reason.

Yeah. So listen,

I've been busting a gut
trying to sort the pub.

I tried to get European Bob
on board but he's a jerk-off.

He's still stuck in the crisp age.

What next? Bloody mead on tap?

Yeah, right, arsehole.

So, what do you think?
The old team back together?

Well, maybe,
but we need to agree on some stuff.

Like, and don't fly off the handle,

but I'm really not happy
with the name Free The Paedos.

Can't we call it something more
normal, like The Swan And Tomato?

Yeah. Or compromise?

The Swan And Paedo.

Yeah, OK, sure.
And what about lager...

Details. Listen.

We need to get some fucking
proof of ownership.

We need property deeds. Keys cut,

borrow some start up wonga
for the overheads.

So, let's go over to Merry's.

Ah, could be a problem there.

Merry, you see,
Merry's been sectioned.

Merry's been sectioned?
You're kidding!

Jesus.

Who's going to be next?

'lncredible.
Still no call from Soph.

'lf she's broken up with me,
maybe I could consider Merry.

'It would sort of suit me to have
a girlfriend in an institution.

'Regulated meeting times. I might
get to have a say in her medication.

'I'd like to be able to chemically
alter my girlfriend's moods.'

Well, I have to say,
she's looking a lot better.

We'll just grab her stuff
and get her out your hair.

No, I'm afraid Merry needs to
be kept a close eye on just now.

But she's fine.
She's always been the life and soul.

Tabasco in your pint, frisbee in the
kitchen, that's Merry. She's kooky.

She's in the acute stage
of a manic episode.

What do you think, Merry?

I just want...

Everything's too much right now.

Shall we?

'At least she isn't proposing
sexual intercourse any more.'

Mark? >

Can you give these to Jeremy?

They're kind of important.

'Probably stopped fancying me now
the sedatives have kicked in

'and she's lost the beer goggles.

'Normal service has been resumed.'

Come on, mate, let her go,
it's for the best.

Look, it might take us a
month or so just to see what

kind of drug or cognitive therapies
might help Merry with her condition.

Oh, right, I see.

Your little world is threatened by
all the amazing Jack Nicholsons

and Robin Williamses burning so bright

you've got to keep them down
with your chemical cosh.

Come on, man, set her free.
All she needs is a vodka and tonic.

I'm sorry, but there's no way I
can sign her out. She's not well.

Your dream is just everyone on the
omnibus, grey, eating grey sludge.

That's your dream, isn't it?

No.

We'll look after her.

She's just wacky, basically fine.

She's not fine,
she's temporarily... mad.

You're with them now, are you, Mark?

Tell me, is it mad to be
diagnosed with a mental disorder

or is it in fact much more mad
to get up every morning to go to

your boring job so you can print
out lots of meaningless documents?

I'm sorry about this, it's the '60s,
he thinks he's living in the '60s.

How about this?
You let her go and we promise,

promise, to keep her restrained.

Tightly tied.

I appreciate how passionately
you feel about your friend

but there's no way I can sign her out.
I'm sorry.

Look, Merry wanted me
to give you these deeds.

I'm not sure why or what...

OK, fair enough, mate,
I've said my piece, but you win.

After all, you're the expert.

OK, guys, let's go.

So, Jez, why is she
giving you these?

Those? I don't know. They're not
important. Just give them to me.

The deeds to the pub?
Of course they're important.

In fact, why do you even need them?

Oh, yeah, didn't I tell you?

She's giving us the place.
So just hand them over, really.

She gave it to you?

Well, yeah, it's all perfectly
legal, probably, Mark.

I don't see
what you're worried about.

But she's not in her right mind.

She was fine when
she gave us the pub.

Well, are you sure? I guess giving

away a pub that's worth several
thousands of pounds for free,

that kind of suggests you haven't
got your best thinking cap on?

Mark, we're not exploiting her.

Once we turn the pub into a cash
cow, we'll give her some cream.

Yeah, right.

Look, I just think in
this situation, Merry needs

an impartial adviser like me
to help her decide what's best.

God, you're loving this, aren't you?

Holding the deeds like Mr Monopoly
with his top hat and his iron.

Do you really think
if you don't give us her pub,

she's going to let you screw her?

Oh, God, that is low.

That is really nuts.

Are you saying I'm mad?
Is that what you're saying?

Are you going to try
to get me sectioned

for simply following my dream?

I just think the best thing is if
I hand these to the authorities

and let them decide.

Hi, there, doctor, I just wondered
if you could take care of...

He's gone nuts.

He's out of his mind.

I'm not out of my mind, I just
need to give you some documents.

He was running round with his cock out
before, saying it was on fire. He's lost it.

He thinks there's a pigeon in Catalonia
that's in control of his legs.

I really don't.

Jeremy, tell him.

Well, I don't know,
mostly he's OK but maybe,

maybe you should keep him in for
observation for a couple of days.

Jeremy, are you?

If anyone's going nuts here,
it's not me, it's you.

They could section you
for trying to section me.

If you try to section me,
you'll have crossed the line

and I will section you so help me.

Guys, you've had your fun
with the sectioning.

There's going to be no more
sectioning today.

'OK, act shocked, act shocked.'

God, Sophie.

Jesus, Mark.

This is so weird.

I'm just on my way to Oxford
for a training day

at the Institute of Finance.
You must be, what?

Changing here on your way
to the Birmingham rep seminar?

Yeah, God, wow.

'God, she almost seems
to believe me.'

So, why haven't you called? You
haven't called for over a week.

Seeing you here by chance, I might
as well find out why you haven't called.

I thought you'd be busy
with your new girlfriend.

What?

Your new girlfriend who you're in
love with. Merry. Remember?

Or do you fall in love
with people all the time?

Merry? You think... Merry?

She told me, Mark.
I called, she answered.

She was in your bed, "All tucked up
tight," as she put it.

Look, Merry's nuts, Sophie.
She's mentally ill.

She's been incarcerated.
She stayed one night

then the white van came
to take her away.

Don't embarrass
yourself, Mark, it's fine.

Soph, look at me, honestly,
she's in hospital.

I can give you her reference number.

Oh, right, well,
I did think it was kind of...

So as far as you're
concerned we're still...

For the last few days I've been
under the impression that...

You haven't
done anything, have you, Soph?

Er, no. Not really.

Not really?

Well, it's complicated
and nothing happened, really.

But now I think it'll be all right.

Anyway, I've got to get my...

I'll call you later, OK?

Bye.

'Nothing happened, really.

'The three least comforting words
in the English language.'

Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's coming to get me

Just say you never met me

I'm running underground
with the moles

Digging in holes...