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1
00:00:02,054 --> 00:00:06,761
I'm not sick but I'm not well
2
00:00:06,811 --> 00:00:09,801
...And I'm so hot
3
00:00:09,848 --> 00:00:14,361
Cos I'm in he-ell...
4
00:00:19,122 --> 00:00:22,714
'OK, Jez. The love of your
life's coming back today.
5
00:00:22,759 --> 00:00:24,908
'Finish this shitty relationship.
6
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:27,390
'Shot to the head. Nice, clean kill.'
7
00:00:27,436 --> 00:00:30,631
You're gonna have to plunge harder
than that. It's compacted grease.
8
00:00:30,674 --> 00:00:34,459
Yeah. 'She might go angry, and
I don't like her when she's angry.
9
00:00:34,511 --> 00:00:36,387
'Just got to tough it out.'
10
00:00:36,430 --> 00:00:37,828
Um... listen, Michelle.
11
00:00:38,508 --> 00:00:39,497
About us...
12
00:00:39,548 --> 00:00:42,776
I've been thinking about us!
You know I'm looking for a lodger?
13
00:00:42,825 --> 00:00:45,338
And you and me do go
really good together.
14
00:00:45,384 --> 00:00:48,135
Well, I was thinking,
how about you move in?
15
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:52,650
Oh, right... That's interesting,
because I was thinking
16
00:00:52,698 --> 00:00:56,894
that I like you loads and loads,
obviously,
17
00:00:56,936 --> 00:00:58,925
but that also...
18
00:00:58,974 --> 00:01:01,247
we could... not see each other
any more.
19
00:01:01,292 --> 00:01:03,930
Stop seeing each other?
How's that gonna work?
20
00:01:03,971 --> 00:01:08,359
Well, I mean, instead of us calling
each other up and kind of meeting up
21
00:01:08,407 --> 00:01:11,317
and hanging out, we could try... not.
22
00:01:11,365 --> 00:01:15,560
Jez! You're so funny!
What are you afraid of?
23
00:01:15,602 --> 00:01:18,274
'You.'
Nothing. It's just...
24
00:01:18,321 --> 00:01:20,230
What I'm hearing, loud and clear,
25
00:01:20,279 --> 00:01:22,871
is that you're desperate for this
relationship to grow.
26
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,986
You just don't know how it can happen.
27
00:01:25,036 --> 00:01:28,582
I was saying was that we should not see each
other any more, because...
28
00:01:28,633 --> 00:01:30,224
Shh. Jez.
29
00:01:30,272 --> 00:01:32,262
You've had your say.
Now it's my turn.
30
00:01:32,311 --> 00:01:36,347
You know how we have such
an amazing time in bed together?
31
00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:39,059
Well... Yeah.
32
00:01:39,106 --> 00:01:42,619
Well, I was thinking, what if
we took it to the next level?
33
00:01:42,663 --> 00:01:45,051
Like, act out our dirtiest fantasies.
34
00:01:45,102 --> 00:01:46,739
Yeah?
35
00:01:46,781 --> 00:01:48,099
I mean...
36
00:01:49,139 --> 00:01:51,332
W- What would that involve... exactly?
37
00:01:51,377 --> 00:01:54,606
Anything. You can tell Michelle.
38
00:01:55,614 --> 00:02:00,048
I guess I've always wondered what it
might be like... to have a threesome.
39
00:02:00,091 --> 00:02:03,764
- Is that too much?
- Are you kidding?
40
00:02:03,809 --> 00:02:06,037
That's vanilla! Let's do it.
41
00:02:07,406 --> 00:02:12,158
'Tonight's the night. Sophie's
actually coming over. For some work!
42
00:02:12,203 --> 00:02:16,273
'I don't think there'll be much
work - except sex "work"!
43
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,388
'Don't think of it like work!
44
00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:22,224
'Fish pie then missionary sex,
and Newsnight afterwards. Classic!
45
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:25,822
'Might make a joke about Paxman
and the economics woman. Paxo...
46
00:02:25,873 --> 00:02:29,466
'Paxo wants to stuff... Stuffing.
There's got to be a joke there.'
47
00:02:29,511 --> 00:02:32,581
All right, mate.
Will you lend us your phone, mate?
48
00:02:32,628 --> 00:02:33,777
What?
49
00:02:33,828 --> 00:02:35,419
Lend us your fucking phone.
50
00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:36,865
Why?
51
00:02:36,905 --> 00:02:39,815
- Well, I need to make a call.
- Don't you have your own phone?
52
00:02:39,863 --> 00:02:41,012
Lend us your phone!
53
00:02:41,063 --> 00:02:42,813
Right. It's just...
54
00:02:42,861 --> 00:02:45,328
"Neither a lender
nor a borrower be."
55
00:02:45,380 --> 00:02:47,494
Do you think we're some
pair of shithouses?
56
00:02:47,538 --> 00:02:49,016
No! God, no!
57
00:02:49,057 --> 00:02:50,728
It's just... It's a Blackberry!
58
00:02:50,776 --> 00:02:52,890
Give us your phone,
give us your wallet.
59
00:02:52,934 --> 00:02:55,730
Come on! Before we fuckin' do you!
60
00:02:55,772 --> 00:02:58,126
'Do me?! Are they gonna rape me?!
61
00:02:58,171 --> 00:03:02,718
'Or kill me?! If they rape and
kill me, I hope they kill me first.
62
00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:04,245
'I sort of win.'
63
00:03:04,286 --> 00:03:07,754
Is that it?
You got nothing else?
64
00:03:07,804 --> 00:03:09,316
- Yes.
- What else?
65
00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:11,921
There's my travelcard.
66
00:03:11,961 --> 00:03:15,871
'That's great! Help the muggers!
What d'you want? Approval?! '
67
00:03:15,918 --> 00:03:17,032
All right.
68
00:03:17,077 --> 00:03:18,987
Now piss off!
69
00:03:19,036 --> 00:03:21,912
'Oh, this really takes the biscuit.'
70
00:03:21,954 --> 00:03:23,227
Faster...!
71
00:03:23,273 --> 00:03:27,309
'I thought it was the muggers who
had to run off! The victim flees? '
72
00:03:27,350 --> 00:03:28,338
Faster!
73
00:03:28,389 --> 00:03:31,265
'Oh, this really leaves
a sour taste.'
74
00:03:33,466 --> 00:03:36,456
'This'll be OK. I'll just do the
threesome tomorrow,
75
00:03:36,504 --> 00:03:37,856
'then finish with her.
76
00:03:37,903 --> 00:03:40,495
'Bit ungentlemanly,
but then it's a threesome.
77
00:03:40,541 --> 00:03:42,531
'It's not exactly Romeo and Juliet,
is it? '
78
00:03:43,459 --> 00:03:44,652
Hey, Mark.
79
00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:47,495
You all right?
80
00:03:47,536 --> 00:03:48,888
Uh-huh.
81
00:03:48,935 --> 00:03:51,288
'No need to tell him what happened.
82
00:03:51,333 --> 00:03:53,368
'Just button up. Like the '40s.
83
00:03:53,412 --> 00:03:57,163
'People saw terrible things in the war.
They didn't go on about them.
84
00:03:57,209 --> 00:03:59,597
'They had a cup of tea and
invented the NHS instead.'
85
00:03:59,648 --> 00:04:00,841
Can I have a bit of your parsley?
86
00:04:00,887 --> 00:04:03,683
Get away! Fuck off!
Fuck off my stuff!
87
00:04:03,725 --> 00:04:07,681
- It's just a bit of parsley!
- Look, it's just...
88
00:04:07,722 --> 00:04:09,552
On the way home, I got...
89
00:04:09,601 --> 00:04:13,557
These blokes... mugged me.
90
00:04:13,598 --> 00:04:16,905
Oh, man. That is unlucky.
91
00:04:16,955 --> 00:04:20,184
'Of course, they target the frail.
They smell the weak.'
92
00:04:20,233 --> 00:04:23,268
So, what happened?
Did they pull a knife?
93
00:04:23,311 --> 00:04:25,107
No, not a knife.
94
00:04:25,150 --> 00:04:27,298
Jesus! A shooter?!
95
00:04:27,348 --> 00:04:30,338
No, they didn't have a...
96
00:04:30,386 --> 00:04:31,977
There was two of them.
97
00:04:32,025 --> 00:04:35,651
They asked to borrow
my phone, but...
98
00:04:35,702 --> 00:04:37,931
they didn't really
want to borrow it.
99
00:04:37,981 --> 00:04:39,538
No?
100
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,012
No.
101
00:04:41,059 --> 00:04:42,695
Then they asked for my wallet.
102
00:04:42,737 --> 00:04:47,524
Uh-huh. So... they asked, and...
103
00:04:47,574 --> 00:04:50,450
you just gave them your wallet?
104
00:04:50,492 --> 00:04:53,687
Jeremy, I was in the underpass
with these two...
105
00:04:53,730 --> 00:04:56,288
gentleman who asked for
your possessions! Mark!
106
00:04:56,328 --> 00:04:59,238
You've got to toughen up!
This is the 21st century.
107
00:04:59,286 --> 00:05:02,719
You've seen Mad Max, haven't you?
That's what's going to happen.
108
00:05:02,763 --> 00:05:04,798
Mad Max isn't
necessarily gonna happen.
109
00:05:04,842 --> 00:05:07,593
Oh, sure. You live
in your Hitchhiker's Guide world,
110
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,550
wandering around in your dressing
gown, and have a nice cup of tea.
111
00:05:10,598 --> 00:05:14,065
Yes, well, look...
Anyway, Sophie's coming over,
112
00:05:14,115 --> 00:05:15,786
so I'm gonna need the cooker.
113
00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:18,426
Right. It's just... I was hoping...
114
00:05:18,472 --> 00:05:21,428
You know, it's my big meal.
The big night with Big Suze.
115
00:05:21,470 --> 00:05:23,505
Right. Did you finish with Michelle?
116
00:05:23,549 --> 00:05:25,538
Yeah... Kinda.
117
00:05:25,587 --> 00:05:28,497
I mean, no.
She offered me a threesome.
118
00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:30,136
But what about?
119
00:05:30,184 --> 00:05:33,060
I thought you were dead set on
getting back together with Big Suze.
120
00:05:33,102 --> 00:05:35,092
I am, Mark! Totally!
121
00:05:35,141 --> 00:05:36,732
She called again tonight.
122
00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:39,894
God! What a great call!
It was like the old days.
123
00:05:39,937 --> 00:05:42,733
She was laughing like a... maniac!
124
00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:46,811
Right. So what about the threesome?
What about Michelle?
125
00:05:46,852 --> 00:05:49,648
Oh, well.
I had a bit of a plan about that.
126
00:05:49,690 --> 00:05:53,203
I thought I wouldn't tell Big Suze
about Michelle or the threesome.
127
00:05:53,248 --> 00:05:54,919
Oh, right! Brilliant!
128
00:05:54,967 --> 00:05:56,194
It's good, isn't it?
129
00:05:56,246 --> 00:05:59,713
Jez, are you sure about Big Suze?
130
00:05:59,763 --> 00:06:03,071
It's just it took you
such a long, long time
131
00:06:03,121 --> 00:06:04,917
to get over her leaving you.
132
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:08,745
In a way, you never
totally got over her leaving you.
133
00:06:08,797 --> 00:06:12,390
Well, that's just as well then,
isn't it? Cos now she's coming back.
134
00:06:13,114 --> 00:06:14,910
So shut up!
135
00:06:19,470 --> 00:06:21,106
Great fish pie, Mark.
136
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:23,456
Thank you, Soph. Thanks very much.
137
00:06:23,507 --> 00:06:26,144
I may not be an expert,
but I do my best,
138
00:06:26,185 --> 00:06:28,299
and that's all anyone can ask.
139
00:06:28,343 --> 00:06:31,617
'Just subtly lowering her
expectations in the bedroom there! '
140
00:06:31,661 --> 00:06:33,537
So, I was thinking...
141
00:06:33,580 --> 00:06:37,490
Maybe we could "work" a bit better
in the bedroom!
142
00:06:37,537 --> 00:06:40,095
I mean, it's fine
if you don't want to.
143
00:06:40,135 --> 00:06:41,123
Sure, great!
144
00:06:41,174 --> 00:06:45,722
'Oh, God! She's a man-eater. She's
gonna chew me up and spit me out! '
145
00:06:45,771 --> 00:06:48,283
Mark, where's all the lkea candles?
146
00:06:48,329 --> 00:06:50,558
Uh...
147
00:06:50,608 --> 00:06:52,359
It's Suze! Big Suze is here!
148
00:06:53,446 --> 00:06:54,924
Hi, Jeremy!
149
00:06:55,924 --> 00:06:59,675
Big Suze!
My, God! You're looking... great!
150
00:06:59,721 --> 00:07:02,677
Three years, yeah?
Three bloody years!
151
00:07:02,719 --> 00:07:05,436
I know, and look at you!
152
00:07:05,477 --> 00:07:08,911
God, you've changed so much!
But I think you might be wearing
153
00:07:08,955 --> 00:07:11,148
the same clothes
as when I last saw you.
154
00:07:11,193 --> 00:07:13,023
Right! What a weird coincidence!
155
00:07:14,111 --> 00:07:15,702
Oh, we should leave that for Stu.
156
00:07:15,750 --> 00:07:18,216
Stew? What stew?
157
00:07:18,268 --> 00:07:19,780
Who's Stu?
158
00:07:19,827 --> 00:07:22,817
Stu's my man! My hunk of monk!
159
00:07:24,384 --> 00:07:26,021
What the hell do you mean by that?
160
00:07:26,063 --> 00:07:28,291
Just that he used
to be a monk, that's all.
161
00:07:28,341 --> 00:07:29,490
He's just parking up the Golf.
162
00:07:29,541 --> 00:07:33,577
But... Your man? Cos I thought,
you know...
163
00:07:33,618 --> 00:07:37,449
On the phone, there was all the
laughing... I mean... I thought...
164
00:07:37,495 --> 00:07:39,609
What was all the laughing for?
165
00:07:39,653 --> 00:07:41,244
It was just laughing.
166
00:07:42,052 --> 00:07:43,927
Oh, right.
167
00:07:43,970 --> 00:07:47,199
What's the problem, Jez?
I thought this was gonna be nice.
168
00:07:47,248 --> 00:07:50,124
I'm with Stu,
you're with good old Michelle.
169
00:07:50,166 --> 00:07:53,793
'Shit! They're still in contact!
Think of something.' No, I'm not.
170
00:07:53,844 --> 00:07:55,878
Oh. Right. She just said...
171
00:07:55,922 --> 00:07:57,240
That was just a mistake.
172
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,708
Followed by a series
of subsequent mistakes
173
00:08:00,759 --> 00:08:04,066
which, when you look at all together,
really don't add up to much.
174
00:08:04,116 --> 00:08:06,867
Anyway, I've done all that now,
so there's nothing stopping us...
175
00:08:06,914 --> 00:08:09,904
- We should let Stu in.
- Ye-eah... Should we, though?
176
00:08:11,031 --> 00:08:13,941
Hey, Stu-bod! This is Jez.
177
00:08:13,989 --> 00:08:16,422
- Hey, man.
- Hi. I'm her ex.
178
00:08:16,468 --> 00:08:17,946
Jez, don't be stupid.
We were never really...
179
00:08:17,987 --> 00:08:20,624
We lived together
for a year and a half.
180
00:08:20,665 --> 00:08:25,576
Well, we kind of did,
but in 2002, in that weird flat.
181
00:08:25,621 --> 00:08:28,850
- The Love Shack?!
- Listen, can we take a shower?
182
00:08:28,899 --> 00:08:31,013
- No.
- It was a really sweaty flight.
183
00:08:31,057 --> 00:08:32,535
There isn't that much hot water.
184
00:08:32,576 --> 00:08:35,407
That's fine. We'll share!
See you in an hour or so, yeah?
185
00:08:35,734 --> 00:08:39,690
'He's a monk. He's gonna have
15 years of spunk backed up.
186
00:08:39,731 --> 00:08:42,039
'How am I supposed
to compete with that? '
187
00:08:44,968 --> 00:08:49,481
Wow! This is a lot of candles.
It's actually getting pretty hot in here.
188
00:08:49,525 --> 00:08:52,356
I tried opening a window,
but a lot of them blew out,
189
00:08:52,402 --> 00:08:55,312
which, I suppose, actually shows
that electric light
190
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:59,192
is quite a lot better. I know that's
not a very fashionable thing to say.
191
00:08:59,238 --> 00:09:01,192
'What am I talking about?
192
00:09:01,236 --> 00:09:03,465
'Jeremy's sex CD!
193
00:09:03,515 --> 00:09:05,902
'Better than Big Bond
Themes, I guess.
194
00:09:05,953 --> 00:09:07,670
'Bond wouldn't get mugged!
195
00:09:07,712 --> 00:09:10,508
'Bollocks!
Forgot to call and stop the phone.
196
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:14,699
'Could go and do it now - pretend
I need a dump... Not very sexy.'
197
00:09:14,747 --> 00:09:19,817
So, Mark. Time for us
to get down to some work.
198
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,580
Oh.
199
00:09:21,622 --> 00:09:23,020
Oh, yeah.
200
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,809
'Oh, yeah, this is it!
201
00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:30,086
'This is really happening!
202
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:36,048
'Relax. Stop worrying about the muggers
and their free calls! I'm getting sexy!
203
00:09:36,092 --> 00:09:39,321
'Bastards are probably going
through my address book,
204
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:42,803
'randomly deleting contacts. That's
probably how they get their kicks.
205
00:09:43,846 --> 00:09:46,359
'Shit! I'm not kissing right!
206
00:09:46,405 --> 00:09:49,076
'Plus, nothing growing
in the pants department.
207
00:09:49,123 --> 00:09:51,271
'I'm as limp as a charity wristband.
208
00:09:51,321 --> 00:09:54,994
'Got to stop thinking about the
muggers! Be in the moment, Corrigan!
209
00:09:55,039 --> 00:09:57,597
'Shit, she's snaking up the thigh!
210
00:09:57,637 --> 00:10:00,593
'But there's nothing at the top
of it! Abort! Abort! '
211
00:10:00,635 --> 00:10:03,829
So, great.
212
00:10:03,872 --> 00:10:06,021
Great. That was great, Soph.
213
00:10:06,071 --> 00:10:08,822
Lovely... interlude.
214
00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:10,267
Right.
215
00:10:10,308 --> 00:10:12,900
But I think we should probably...
216
00:10:13,945 --> 00:10:16,094
I mean, this work
isn't gonna do itself.
217
00:10:16,144 --> 00:10:17,781
The work?
218
00:10:18,662 --> 00:10:19,810
Yup!
219
00:10:19,861 --> 00:10:21,976
The bloody work!
220
00:10:22,020 --> 00:10:23,611
I don't really care about the work.
221
00:10:23,659 --> 00:10:25,648
Oh. Oh.
222
00:10:25,697 --> 00:10:28,209
Sure. Sure you don't, Soph.
223
00:10:28,255 --> 00:10:30,210
Now, where's that broadband cable?
224
00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:31,606
I should be able to...
225
00:10:31,653 --> 00:10:32,971
Mark...
226
00:10:33,012 --> 00:10:36,922
I know it's taken us a while to get
here, but this feels really right.
227
00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:39,436
'Please don't touch my floppy cock! '
228
00:10:40,447 --> 00:10:41,765
I want you to be sure.
229
00:10:41,806 --> 00:10:44,841
I am sure, so, shall we?
230
00:10:44,884 --> 00:10:51,034
Oh, God, I want to, but it's just
these damn reports!
231
00:10:53,318 --> 00:10:56,149
'God. How long does a shower take?!
232
00:10:56,196 --> 00:10:59,152
'Still, drinking alone.
What's the big deal?
233
00:10:59,194 --> 00:11:01,706
'Why's it necessarily a bad thing?
234
00:11:01,752 --> 00:11:05,060
'lf you drink a bottle of vodka
and there's a bloke next to you,
235
00:11:05,110 --> 00:11:07,099
'does that somehow make it
all right? '
236
00:11:08,107 --> 00:11:11,142
I'm really parched, mate.
Mind if I've a swig of something?
237
00:11:11,185 --> 00:11:13,414
Whatever.
238
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:15,532
'Jesus.
239
00:11:15,582 --> 00:11:20,050
'That's what a man should look like.
Those arms! They're amazing!
240
00:11:20,099 --> 00:11:23,009
'Like boughs of sturdy English oak.
241
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:27,969
'My God, if you had them wrapped
around you, you'd just feel so safe.'
242
00:11:28,013 --> 00:11:30,446
Listen, Jeremy.
I just wanted to say...
243
00:11:30,492 --> 00:11:35,040
you've obviously got feelings about
Suze and the past, and that's cool.
244
00:11:35,089 --> 00:11:38,874
So listen, man. Really nice to meet
you, and no hard feelings, yeah?
245
00:11:39,725 --> 00:11:40,952
Sure.
246
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,954
Ah ha ha!! How do you like that, Stu?
247
00:11:46,001 --> 00:11:47,831
You... monk!
248
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,630
What does that even mean?
249
00:11:49,678 --> 00:11:52,429
You know what it means, Stu,
from how it makes you feel.
250
00:11:52,476 --> 00:11:54,431
That's what it means. Yeah!
251
00:11:54,475 --> 00:11:56,226
Welcome to big school!
252
00:11:59,671 --> 00:12:02,467
'Who needs to be a man
when you've got a knife?
253
00:12:02,509 --> 00:12:05,783
'Good old Mr Patel and his
illegal supply of knives.
254
00:12:05,827 --> 00:12:07,498
'OK, come on then, Mark.
255
00:12:07,546 --> 00:12:11,661
'T Mobile gave you the numbers the
mugger called. Ring the numbers!
256
00:12:11,703 --> 00:12:13,931
'Might be able to get my Blackberry
back
257
00:12:13,981 --> 00:12:16,175
'and not get humiliated
by Patrick in IT.'
258
00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:18,971
Hey! What you looking so
serious about there, Mr Corrigan?
259
00:12:19,018 --> 00:12:21,849
Oh, just... Nothing.
260
00:12:21,896 --> 00:12:24,089
I was wondering how far a girl like
you might go on a second date!
261
00:12:24,134 --> 00:12:26,771
Well, you know...
262
00:12:26,812 --> 00:12:29,041
At least second base!
263
00:12:29,091 --> 00:12:30,603
'Relax! Let it happen!
264
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:33,684
'But nothing's stirring!
265
00:12:33,727 --> 00:12:36,081
'Uh-oh. She's gonna feel the knife!
266
00:12:36,126 --> 00:12:39,036
'Can't let her feel the hard knife,
or the soft cock! '
267
00:12:39,084 --> 00:12:42,517
Look, Sophie.
This is a hell of a laugh, and all,
268
00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:45,869
and I love horseplay
and light-heartedness
269
00:12:45,919 --> 00:12:47,510
and having a great time,
270
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:52,264
but there's codes of conduct,
and disciplinary procedures,
271
00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:54,065
and it just makes me very nervous.
272
00:12:54,113 --> 00:12:55,670
OK, Mark. Just screwing around.
273
00:12:55,712 --> 00:12:58,383
We're not gonna get it on
in the photocopying room.
274
00:12:58,430 --> 00:13:00,465
Yes, Sophie. I know. Really.
275
00:13:00,509 --> 00:13:02,146
Let's have fun!
276
00:13:02,188 --> 00:13:04,142
Yeah!
277
00:13:04,186 --> 00:13:06,062
Look, I'm just...
278
00:13:06,105 --> 00:13:09,095
You know me. I'm old-fashioned.
I like courting.
279
00:13:09,143 --> 00:13:13,133
Look, why don't we
go to the pictures?
280
00:13:13,180 --> 00:13:14,851
Sure. Shall I bring a chaperone?
281
00:13:16,418 --> 00:13:19,089
I like your joke, Sophie.
A point well made.
282
00:13:19,136 --> 00:13:21,090
A point well made.
283
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,532
Later, baby!
284
00:13:23,972 --> 00:13:26,326
'Ugh! "Baby"!
285
00:13:26,371 --> 00:13:30,407
'Note to self re being the Fonz -
Mark, you are not the Fonz! '
286
00:13:31,927 --> 00:13:33,564
'Threesome, oh, yeah.
287
00:13:33,606 --> 00:13:36,482
'Here I come! No need for Big Suze
ever even to know about... '
288
00:13:36,523 --> 00:13:39,275
- Big Suze!
- Hi, Jeremy. Here for the threesome?
289
00:13:40,161 --> 00:13:41,639
Well, yeah.
290
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:44,988
'Oh, my God! I'm gonna have
a threesome with Big Suze!
291
00:13:45,038 --> 00:13:48,948
'Michelle's not some sort of macho
sexual terrorist! She's... brilliant! '
292
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:53,826
- Hey, Jez.
- Hi! So, Suze. Brilliant to see you.
293
00:13:53,871 --> 00:13:57,418
Great, isn't it? I need somewhere to
live, and Michelle needs a lodger.
294
00:13:57,469 --> 00:13:59,344
You're moving in with Michelle?
295
00:13:59,387 --> 00:14:04,014
It's great, isn't it? I'd forgotten
how sweet she is. Ah, that smile.
296
00:14:04,064 --> 00:14:05,291
I know.
297
00:14:05,343 --> 00:14:07,902
Have an amazing time
with the threesome!
298
00:14:07,941 --> 00:14:09,453
Where's she?
299
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:12,854
Come on. There's someone in the
living room to introduce you to!
300
00:14:12,898 --> 00:14:14,728
Jeremy, meet Vicky.
301
00:14:15,776 --> 00:14:17,174
Hi, there.
302
00:14:17,215 --> 00:14:19,886
- Does he know the ground rules?
- What?
303
00:14:19,933 --> 00:14:23,003
Has he had a shower?
He doesn't look like he's showered.
304
00:14:23,051 --> 00:14:25,688
Why isn't she talking to me?
305
00:14:25,729 --> 00:14:30,004
Vicky's just busy, OK? She's not sure
about this. She's doing me a massive favour.
306
00:14:30,046 --> 00:14:32,683
She'd just rather not talk to you,
OK? Vicky,
307
00:14:32,724 --> 00:14:35,111
- shall we go and get ready?
- I suppose so.
308
00:14:35,162 --> 00:14:36,913
You know where the bathroom is.
309
00:14:36,961 --> 00:14:40,315
You'll find anti-bacterial
shower wash by the basin, OK?
310
00:14:40,359 --> 00:14:42,313
'I will have had a threesome.
311
00:14:42,357 --> 00:14:44,426
'I will have had a threesome.'
312
00:14:44,476 --> 00:14:45,988
So, Jez! >
313
00:14:46,035 --> 00:14:48,501
A threesome! That'll be nice.
314
00:14:48,553 --> 00:14:52,066
My friend Jen did a threesome once.
She cried for an hour afterwards,
315
00:14:52,111 --> 00:14:54,464
but I'd still like to try it
sometime.
316
00:14:54,509 --> 00:14:56,543
Yeah, right.
317
00:14:56,587 --> 00:15:00,055
Suze, you don't want to go
back out with me, do you?
318
00:15:00,105 --> 00:15:02,095
Oh, Jez.
319
00:15:02,144 --> 00:15:07,089
You're such a nice guy. But I
think maybe it wasn't meant to be.
320
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,936
Jez, we're ready! Listen,
you can skip the shower.
321
00:15:09,978 --> 00:15:14,332
Just use a flannel! Vicky
doesn't want to miss her train!
322
00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:18,365
'This is great. I'm having it large.
It's like I'm living in a porno...
323
00:15:18,412 --> 00:15:21,402
'except porn stars probably get
lovely sedatives
324
00:15:21,450 --> 00:15:24,121
'so they feel like
they're not really there.
325
00:15:25,847 --> 00:15:28,200
'Lovely sedatives... '
326
00:15:28,245 --> 00:15:31,474
'That wasn't depressing,
that was great.
327
00:15:31,523 --> 00:15:35,399
'Big Suze out of my life forever.
So what? I'm getting threesomes.
328
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,908
'Why have I never thought about
drinking in the day before?
329
00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:41,265
'What's more fun than a
couple of nice, cold beerskis?
330
00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:44,147
'What's depressing about that?
Nothing.
331
00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:47,548
'You can't be depressed when
you're pissed, it's not possible.'
332
00:15:48,631 --> 00:15:51,860
'Jeremy, I've got a lead. This
kid says he can get my phone back.
333
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:55,057
'I've got to meet him at
Chicken Corner. I need back-up.'
334
00:15:55,106 --> 00:15:57,460
- 'I'm on it.'
- Jez, where are you?
335
00:15:57,505 --> 00:16:01,654
- I'm at the supermarket.
- 'Are you drunk? '
336
00:16:01,702 --> 00:16:04,498
Yep. I'm doing the big shop
and I'm doing it brilliantly.
337
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:08,416
You're not just buying chocolate,
crisps and booze, are you?
338
00:16:08,457 --> 00:16:09,650
No.
339
00:16:09,696 --> 00:16:12,811
I also have dips.
'I'll say I ate the dips.'
340
00:16:12,854 --> 00:16:16,049
I just hope the drinking,
it hasn't become a problem.
341
00:16:16,092 --> 00:16:17,080
'Course not! '
342
00:16:17,131 --> 00:16:19,007
Shut up! Don't knock the drinking.
343
00:16:19,050 --> 00:16:21,960
It was while I was drinking
I came up with my plan about Stu.
344
00:16:22,008 --> 00:16:24,236
- What's your plan?
- I'm going to hit him.
345
00:16:24,286 --> 00:16:26,593
That's not really a plan as such.
346
00:16:26,644 --> 00:16:29,237
Of course it's a plan.
It's a fucking brilliant plan!
347
00:16:29,282 --> 00:16:32,556
I plan to hit him.
What isn't a plan about that?
348
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:36,795
Look, I'll see you in a bit.
'I must look so cool to her.
349
00:16:36,837 --> 00:16:38,667
'Like Peter Doherty, or Bukowski.
350
00:16:38,716 --> 00:16:43,945
'Yeah, that's right, honey,
I'm a street-fighting man.
351
00:16:43,992 --> 00:16:46,504
'God, she's probably getting
wet just looking at me.'
352
00:16:46,550 --> 00:16:50,825
Hold your horses, honey, I've
got coupons for the Pringles.
353
00:16:54,785 --> 00:16:57,854
So, thanks for coming.
354
00:16:57,902 --> 00:17:00,210
I mean, obviously, your mate,
355
00:17:00,261 --> 00:17:02,012
I don't approve of what he's done,
356
00:17:02,060 --> 00:17:04,731
but there's no reason
why we can't be civil.
357
00:17:04,778 --> 00:17:06,369
Yeah, sure.
358
00:17:06,416 --> 00:17:10,487
So, what I'm after...
359
00:17:10,534 --> 00:17:14,763
What I'm demanding
is my Blackberry back.
360
00:17:14,811 --> 00:17:16,686
I might be able to help you.
361
00:17:16,729 --> 00:17:21,083
That would be fantastic, cos
it actually belongs to my office.
362
00:17:21,126 --> 00:17:23,763
It's going to cost you 50 quid, though, mate.
363
00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:25,642
No.
364
00:17:25,683 --> 00:17:28,275
- See you later.
- Yes.
365
00:17:28,321 --> 00:17:30,117
All right, cool.
366
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,070
I mean... I think...
367
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:34,947
I have to say, this is a bit rich,
368
00:17:34,996 --> 00:17:38,509
but I guess maybe there's certain
administrative costs
369
00:17:38,554 --> 00:17:40,350
for you to bear.
370
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,507
That's 60, it's gone up
to 60 now, mate.
371
00:17:43,550 --> 00:17:45,699
- Really?
- Yep.
372
00:17:45,749 --> 00:17:50,899
Cos, obviously, this dynamic
could go on indefinitely.
373
00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:54,253
Is 60... Will that really be it?
374
00:17:54,303 --> 00:17:55,940
Definitely.
375
00:17:58,980 --> 00:18:03,606
Cheers. One more thing, would you ask
for it again, but in a lady's voice?
376
00:18:03,656 --> 00:18:05,611
I'm sorry?
377
00:18:05,655 --> 00:18:08,167
Ask for your Blackberry like a lady.
378
00:18:11,211 --> 00:18:13,087
- No, I really...
- OK, mate. >
379
00:18:13,130 --> 00:18:14,403
Can I have my Blackberry back?
380
00:18:14,449 --> 00:18:15,517
Please.
381
00:18:15,568 --> 00:18:18,558
Can I have my
Blackberry back, please?
382
00:18:18,606 --> 00:18:21,755
Listen, I'll call you
when I've got it, yeah?
383
00:18:21,804 --> 00:18:23,793
But he hasn't got my...
384
00:18:23,842 --> 00:18:26,991
Oh, no, of course. He'll have my
number from when I called him.
385
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,677
Yes, and he'll
definitely be calling
386
00:18:32,556 --> 00:18:35,114
'Yeah, come on,
Stu, you stupid monk!
387
00:18:35,154 --> 00:18:38,906
'Come on, buddy, I watched you go in.
You've got to come out.
388
00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:42,908
'They don't have beds in churches...
I don't think. Do they?
389
00:18:42,949 --> 00:18:44,222
'Maybe they do for the vicars... '
390
00:18:44,268 --> 00:18:47,224
Jeremy? Shit, man, are you OK?
391
00:18:47,266 --> 00:18:48,857
Yeah, I'm fine.
392
00:18:48,905 --> 00:18:51,178
'Probably missed the moment
to smack him now.'
393
00:18:51,223 --> 00:18:52,416
How are you?
394
00:18:52,462 --> 00:18:56,657
Do you want to? I'm just
heading back in for evensong.
395
00:18:57,659 --> 00:19:00,648
Are you OK, mate?
396
00:19:00,696 --> 00:19:03,084
You look like you could do with a...
397
00:19:05,973 --> 00:19:07,848
Yeah, that might be nice, actually.
398
00:19:07,891 --> 00:19:11,723
'Oh, the hug,
I'm finally getting the hug.
399
00:19:11,769 --> 00:19:15,202
'He smells good. Those big arms.
400
00:19:15,246 --> 00:19:17,440
'I just feel so safe.'
401
00:19:19,603 --> 00:19:23,037
MUSIC: Push It by Salt N Pepa
402
00:19:23,081 --> 00:19:26,468
'Oh, Jesus. I've got to get a
hard-on soon or we're finished.
403
00:19:26,518 --> 00:19:30,225
'Maybe I was too quick to
delete those spam emails
404
00:19:30,276 --> 00:19:32,424
'about erection enhancement.
405
00:19:32,474 --> 00:19:35,782
'One of them might just be from a
misunderstood scientific genius.
406
00:19:35,832 --> 00:19:38,742
'Oh, my... Is that?
407
00:19:38,790 --> 00:19:40,779
'ls it? God, it is! It's him!
408
00:19:40,828 --> 00:19:44,501
'The bloody mugger! Should I... run?
409
00:19:44,546 --> 00:19:47,422
'Can't run, must
maintain social veneer.
410
00:19:47,464 --> 00:19:50,931
'Oh, God, please don't hit me!
Please don't hit me, not here! '
411
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:54,255
- Do I know you?
- What? Me?
412
00:19:55,018 --> 00:19:57,690
No, no, I don't think so.
413
00:19:57,736 --> 00:19:59,930
I'm sure I know you from somewhere.
414
00:19:59,975 --> 00:20:01,885
I don't think so.
415
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:06,163
You're probably thinking I look a
bit like one of the Shadow Cabinet.
416
00:20:06,211 --> 00:20:08,882
Didn't you give me a driving
lesson when Carl was in the Canaries?
417
00:20:08,929 --> 00:20:13,204
No, definitely not.
"Not I," said the walrus.
418
00:20:16,004 --> 00:20:19,835
I'm surprised he's even taken
his test. He doesn't look 17.
419
00:20:19,881 --> 00:20:24,156
'She must never know
what a pathetic man I am.
420
00:20:24,198 --> 00:20:25,676
'Never! '
421
00:20:27,795 --> 00:20:31,832
'I like it here.
It feels calm, almost spiritual.
422
00:20:31,873 --> 00:20:33,668
'I feel... different.'
423
00:20:33,711 --> 00:20:35,382
This is a good song.
424
00:20:35,430 --> 00:20:39,181
Yeah. Suze came down
to check it out, actually.
425
00:20:39,227 --> 00:20:41,660
Hi, Jez. Isn't it nice down here?
426
00:20:41,706 --> 00:20:44,093
Look at all these lovely
normal people.
427
00:20:44,144 --> 00:20:47,895
'Oh, she's beautiful. Like an angel.
428
00:20:47,941 --> 00:20:50,897
'Oh, right, I get it.
429
00:20:50,939 --> 00:20:53,610
'It's a big love club down
the church, but I'm not invited.
430
00:20:53,657 --> 00:20:55,965
'The only clubs I'm invited to
are horrible sex parties
431
00:20:56,016 --> 00:20:59,006
'and Friends Reunited do's
at TGI Fridays.
432
00:20:59,054 --> 00:21:00,724
'Well, fuck you! '
433
00:21:00,772 --> 00:21:02,727
Ow!
434
00:21:02,771 --> 00:21:05,408
That's right. God didn't
protect you from my big fist.
435
00:21:05,449 --> 00:21:08,120
Yeah, you big lump of monk!
436
00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:11,043
'What kind of person am I?
437
00:21:11,085 --> 00:21:14,712
'Sitting watching a film in the
company of a man who robbed me.
438
00:21:14,763 --> 00:21:17,639
'lf Dad knew he'd call me
a big Jessie in his
439
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,510
'extremely unfunny gay voice.'
440
00:21:19,559 --> 00:21:21,549
I wish that guy in the baseball
cap would shut up.
441
00:21:21,598 --> 00:21:23,791
It's annoying, isn't it?
442
00:21:23,836 --> 00:21:28,031
'Am I going to sit here and have
my evening ruined by some arsehole?
443
00:21:28,073 --> 00:21:30,539
'Just like when I put my parka on
backwards for a joke
444
00:21:30,591 --> 00:21:33,979
'and Terence Woo taped the hood
over my face and everyone laughed.
445
00:21:34,029 --> 00:21:38,099
'Well, I'm not going
to fucking take it any more! '
446
00:21:38,146 --> 00:21:40,022
What the f?
447
00:21:40,065 --> 00:21:44,613
Maybe that'll teach you not to
rustle your bloody popcorn!
448
00:21:44,662 --> 00:21:49,129
He was really rustling.
That's unacceptable.
449
00:21:52,856 --> 00:21:55,493
I can't believe you did that!
It was only the trailers!
450
00:21:55,534 --> 00:21:57,251
I love those Orange ads!
451
00:21:57,293 --> 00:21:59,600
I didn't expect that
sort of thing from you.
452
00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:02,004
I guess sometimes
people can surprise you.
453
00:22:02,049 --> 00:22:06,562
- You really whacked him.
- 'God, she loves violence!
454
00:22:06,606 --> 00:22:08,960
'They probably all do really.
455
00:22:09,005 --> 00:22:11,517
'They say they want you to
talk about your feelings,
456
00:22:11,563 --> 00:22:14,950
'but really they just want you
to beat and gouge your rivals.
457
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,115
'Hey, there's the stirring!
458
00:22:17,159 --> 00:22:19,113
'The unstoppable rise.
459
00:22:19,157 --> 00:22:21,465
'It's like globalisation -
it's inevitable.
460
00:22:21,516 --> 00:22:23,187
'Hark at its stately progress.
461
00:22:23,235 --> 00:22:25,827
'This is it, the eagle has landed! '
462
00:22:25,873 --> 00:22:28,305
Mark, what's that in your pocket?
463
00:22:28,351 --> 00:22:31,466
Captain Corrigan ready to
receive his orders, sir.
464
00:22:31,509 --> 00:22:33,066
No, not that. The other thing.
465
00:22:33,108 --> 00:22:35,256
Oh, that.
That's just a little friend
466
00:22:35,306 --> 00:22:37,772
of mine called Mr Cutty Knife,
467
00:22:37,824 --> 00:22:41,735
in case I have to chop
down a rival alpha male.
468
00:22:41,782 --> 00:22:44,851
Mark, you carry a knife.
What the fuck?!
469
00:22:44,899 --> 00:22:48,014
'Oh, right. So they like hitting,
but there's some massive taboo
470
00:22:48,057 --> 00:22:49,694
'about stabbing.'
471
00:22:49,736 --> 00:22:55,523
No, it's not a knife, really,
it's for horses' hooves, whittling.
472
00:22:55,572 --> 00:22:57,925
Look, all right.
473
00:22:57,970 --> 00:23:01,358
It's just I'd like to learn
kick boxing to protect myself,
474
00:23:01,408 --> 00:23:03,362
I just don't have the time.
475
00:23:03,406 --> 00:23:08,716
So basically, what this is, is a
rather efficient time-saving device.
476
00:23:11,081 --> 00:23:14,435
'Good old Michelle.
Cold, but comforting.
477
00:23:14,479 --> 00:23:16,274
'Kind of like a friendly Dalek.'
478
00:23:16,317 --> 00:23:20,149
That guy's got a problem. He's like
some kind of David Koresh,
479
00:23:20,195 --> 00:23:23,821
Archbishop Tutu-style
religious maniac.
480
00:23:23,872 --> 00:23:25,941
Right, you're all done.
481
00:23:25,991 --> 00:23:29,264
OK, ready for some dirty playtime?
482
00:23:29,308 --> 00:23:31,616
Carry on the sex odyssey?
483
00:23:31,667 --> 00:23:34,054
But we've already done that.
484
00:23:34,105 --> 00:23:36,173
Oh, we did yours, Jez.
Now it's time for mine.
485
00:23:36,223 --> 00:23:39,019
'Oh, God, no! '
486
00:23:39,061 --> 00:23:41,733
I don't feel very well,
can't we do it some other time?
487
00:23:41,780 --> 00:23:44,814
Jez, we had a deal.
488
00:23:46,376 --> 00:23:50,003
But I really...
I really don't think I want to.
489
00:23:50,054 --> 00:23:52,930
Me think the lady
doth protest too much.
490
00:23:52,972 --> 00:23:55,359
'It was a sort of deal, I suppose.
491
00:23:55,410 --> 00:23:58,366
'Don't want to get a
reputation as a deal-welcher,
492
00:23:58,408 --> 00:24:00,238
'might stop me getting a mortgage.
493
00:24:00,287 --> 00:24:04,754
'Maybe it'll be better
if I imagine it's Stu.
494
00:24:04,803 --> 00:24:08,350
'Yeah, just imagine it's lovely Stu.'
495
00:24:15,076 --> 00:24:19,703
Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's coming to get me
496
00:24:19,753 --> 00:24:22,982
Just say you never met me
497
00:24:23,031 --> 00:24:26,384
I'm running underground
with the moles
498
00:24:26,428 --> 00:24:28,019
Digging in holes...
39000
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