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This programme contains very strong
language,
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00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:06,400
adult humour and sexual scenes.
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(SOFT ROCK MUSIC)
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(GROANING, MOANING)
5
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Harder!
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Fucking amateur hour. Harder.
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Turn.
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No - Art section. Art.
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What's the Swedish for 'Art'?
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We are German Mr Barnard.
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Mama, die Kunst. Kuntz. Kuntz.
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No wait - back! Stoppen.
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♪ Money ♪
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Oh no you fucking don't!
15
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♪ The best things in life are free ♪
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Liz? Lizabeth? You lazy dickhead.
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Come and help me with
these fucking boxes of cri...
18
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Hey, what the fuck you playing at.
You don't work 'ere.
19
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Mum's at the doctors. Oh Mum's
at doc-alright Mum's at doctors.
20
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,077
Right, I'm sorry
to inform you this love.
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But you don't inherit
the fucking job.
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It's not the pissing House of Lords.
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Fine. Stout and a bag of scratchings
for Jim,
24
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and one of the bogs is blocked -
also Jim.
25
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It's both bogs.
26
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Jesus fucking Christ, Jim!
27
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,677
You could have left this open for
me, couldn't you dick head.
28
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,837
Yeah well, I can't pinch one
out at home, can I?
29
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I've got ladies staying.
30
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They're lezzas, yeah, but they're
still women.
31
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Just much hairier.
Jim, stop talking please.
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You're so fucking close
to getting barred.
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(KNOCKING ABOVE)
34
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(LOW, OMINOUS MUSIC)
35
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Oh... That's erm...
36
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(MUSIC ENDS) I'll tell you what,
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you are in fact hired.
38
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Congratulations err,
just as you were basically.
39
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:06,680
Hang on, Jim.
40
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:08,797
Huh?
41
00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,677
How'd it go at the doctors.
Are you alright?
42
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,557
Oh yeah, I've just got bumpy tits.
43
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Your nan had them as well.
You'll probably get bumpy tits.
44
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:16,477
Aww. Thanks mum.
45
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Look but, while I was there,
they made me do like
46
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a 'health check' thing,
47
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,277
and when it was over,
the doctor turned around to me,
48
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and she said that I am
a 'functioning alcoholic'.
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Functioning.
50
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No doctor as ever used
the word 'functioning'
51
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,117
in front of that word before.
52
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,637
I feel like I've been given
like a new lease of life.
53
00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:41,397
And I was thinking -
what am I gonna do with it?
54
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:42,997
You know, what's next for me?
55
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Stop drinking? Open a pub!
56
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Oh. You went... that way. OK.
Yeah.
57
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But not just me. Us. Me and you.
58
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Little family run business.
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I was basically running this place
before the little fella
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got his dirty mitts on to it.
61
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:01,917
And you've had loads of
like customer-facing experiences
62
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,077
with your-
(WHISPERS) with the 'stripping'.
63
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,437
That was years ago.
Yeah but it was still face-to-face.
64
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,557
Well it wasn't my face
that was the focus as a rule.
65
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I think it could be a right
nice little earner.
66
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The pub, not your face.
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Ah again - thank you.
68
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Just imagine it, right, you and me,
behind our own little bar,
69
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:20,877
night after night, side-by-side?
70
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,477
Yeah. I'm imagining that.
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(BRIGHT MUSIC BUILDS)
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(MUSIC FALTERS, SLOWS, ENDS)
73
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,357
Your masseuse was shit.
74
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,877
Oh God yes.
Yeah but err very discreet.
75
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,117
Where's Vincent?
Vinnie. Oh he's err...
76
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,117
He's gone to Blackpool
a couple of days.
77
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,517
Hmm. Alright for some.
Have you been to Blackpool?
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00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,837
Anywhere would be better than
these four fucking walls.
79
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,037
So is there any-anything else
or shall I just fuck off.
80
00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:51,717
I have a task that I need attending
to and in the absence
81
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,437
of the tattooed one,
82
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,800
it looks as though you're going have
to act as my right hand...
83
00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,557
Oh sweetheart.
I'm not wanking you off.
84
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:00,920
I want someone dead.
85
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Oh... Oh right. Err well I-
I can get you a bloke
86
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,997
who'll pretend to be dead, yes,
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lovely good chap, very cheap,
very amenable. If that's-
88
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:11,680
No Thomas.
89
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:17,157
I want you to bring me somebody
who is already dead.
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00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,720
Oh. Oh OK. Right well just...
91
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:21,917
...anyone, or is there one specific?
92
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,837
Anus Quigley. 'Anus'?
93
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:28,317
Well Amos to his family,
but everyone called him Anus,
94
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,237
on account of him being
an utter and total arsehole.
95
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:34,400
And he claimed to have
invented anal.
96
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,637
I can assure you,
he did not do that. No.
97
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As a genre... Thomas.
98
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:42,640
Oh.
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00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:44,680
Do tell.
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00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:49,077
He was a major porn magnate
in the 1990's.
101
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Did very well from it.
102
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,437
So our Barry decided to invest,
103
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:57,437
help finance his transition into
the future of adult entertainment.
104
00:04:57,520 --> 00:04:58,957
The internet?
105
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Blu-Ray.
106
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,040
(BRIGHT POP MUSIC)
107
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,240
It's like you're in it. So to speak.
108
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:12,237
But it seems Quigley had seen
the death of physical media coming.
109
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,837
He'd been recruiting investors
left right and centre
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and as soon as he had all
of Barry's money he was gone.
111
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,280
That little fucking...
112
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(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
113
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:28,557
That deal was our Barry's pension
114
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and that fucker Quigley,
robbed him of it.
115
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,237
As it turned out, Barry didn't
really 'need' a pension.
116
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:34,480
(EXPLOSION)
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Sorry, just talking out loud there.
118
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,397
Our Barry went to his graves...
119
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Plural... without his revenge.
120
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:44,637
I'm sorry err, if this Anus had
breathed his last.
121
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:47,877
Sorry very visceral image there.
Doesn't that sort of err...
122
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:49,197
draw a line under it?
123
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:52,917
Thomas, did you know that
when King Charles
124
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:57,517
came to the throne he was hellbent
on bloody vengeance.
125
00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,157
Well because of Megan and Harry
and all that? Y'know.
126
00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:03,037
No, King Charles the Second...
Oh different one, right.
127
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,757
He dug up Cromwell's body,
128
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:08,397
the man who'd put his father
to death,
129
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:11,517
hanged and beheaded the corpse.
130
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,160
Just to make a point.
131
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,317
Oh, well it's err...
fascinating in't it.
132
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,677
Sorry, what has that to do with erm-
133
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:21,560
(OMINOUS TONE)
134
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Oh fuck no.
135
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:28,317
Oh fuck yes...
Now go get him Thomas!
136
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:29,797
(MUSIC ENDS) No way!
137
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,757
Who is this fucker, are you joking?!
Ash!
138
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:33,157
Oh sorry.
139
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:35,197
Sit the fuck down,
he's already dead!
140
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,077
In't he, you can't hurt a corpse.
141
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,317
Anyway since when were you two
so fucking squeamish?
142
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,837
Can we stop saying fuck!
Oh Fuck. Sorry.
143
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,077
It might have been about
y'know fucking Manolito?
144
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:46,757
What about fucking
Barry McDonagh eh?!
145
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,397
Barry McDonagh's different,
Barry McDonagh exploded into five
146
00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:50,917
little pieces, that's better.
147
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,837
Six pieces, Ashley.
How is that better?
148
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,237
If you don't fancy it, that's fine.
Yeah. Yeah, just err...
149
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,237
do me a favour, pop up and
tell Davey, would yer?
150
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:58,677
Where's the body? Coroner's.
151
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:02,157
Err body gets released to the family
on Monday, so we'll you know-
152
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,277
Swoop right in, get it. Lovely.
153
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:05,597
Which coroner? Blackburn.
154
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,077
Oh, piece of piss then,
155
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,037
it's just a shitty office
off the high street.
156
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:10,757
A stiff breeze would blow
the back gate in.
157
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,797
Oh High Street's bad news,
security cameras central.
158
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:17,957
Which is why, JJ, all we need
is a car with no past.
159
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:19,557
No. I know I'm no saint, yeah,
160
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,757
but I am drawing the line
at body snatching.
161
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,757
I've got a little boy
to look at in the eye!
162
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:24,960
You fucking turd.
163
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:30,477
Well, if it's just a stolen motor
we need, err, there's always...
164
00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:32,040
(UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC)
165
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,997
I actually resent the implication,
Thomas.
166
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,637
That you're after stolen goods
and you've come to me,
167
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:39,317
a member of the traveling community.
168
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,400
There's a word for that you know.
169
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:45,557
No, no, no, listen.
170
00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:47,637
Right Mick, what I'm saying,
Ashley it's-
171
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,880
(LAUGHTER) Got yer.
172
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,640
Ah very good.
Yeah you got me. You got me.
173
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,637
(MOCKING) Ashley said to me...
Alright!
174
00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:00,557
So, what colour are you after?
Red, silver, black.
175
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,717
Oh I don't know.
Whatever you've got really.
176
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,120
Oh no, I've got nothing.
177
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:08,517
But sure it's only three o'clock.
High tide for a bag of mischief.
178
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:09,960
Let's go.
179
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,637
Hey! Is Napoleon tiny parts around?
180
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,200
No. He's out. Why?
Right, have a look at this one?
181
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,677
Look two bars, little garden,
flat upstairs.
182
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,717
Oh. I don't know.
That's a bit of a trek, in it?
183
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,677
It's Ramlington?
It's just past Preston.
184
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,677
You do know you need
a license, don't yer?
185
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:30,797
It's got a license.
186
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,877
No, you need a license.
To run a pub.
187
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,997
You personally need
a license to sell alcohol.
188
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:36,600
Err here Liz, give us a look.
189
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:38,437
Here.
190
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,877
Oh, that is sick. Yeah?
191
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,757
Yeah, honestly you need to go
and have a look.
192
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,117
I'll give you a lift if you like?
193
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,320
Great. Thank you.
I'll give 'em a ring now.
194
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:51,317
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
195
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,517
Your mum is tryna set up shop
thirty miles away
196
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,677
and you're tryna put her off.
Yes, set up shop with me.
197
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:56,717
Oh come off it.
198
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,517
The record for you and her not
arguing is like what, 27 minutes?
199
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,717
Two days together,
she'll be chasing you out of there
200
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,277
with a fucking broom, alright.
201
00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:05,677
Which means we'd be back here,
just the three of us,
202
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:08,397
without her mental approach
to childcare and parenting and...
203
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:11,080
just oh, everything.
That is my mum you're talking about.
204
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,677
OK, fine, fine look, I'll just
go and tell her it's a bad thing.
205
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:18,160
Alright, alright. I mean you know,
let's not be hasty.
206
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:22,837
(PLAYFUL PERCUSSION MUSIC)
207
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,477
What are you doing there.
Stop making mouth noises.
208
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,277
I've got something in my tooth.
(PROTESTS)
209
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,477
There's no lights on out front.
I think we're good.
210
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:31,717
Right, lovely.
Is this thing electric or what?
211
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:34,837
It is, yeah. I'm tryna be more
environmentally conscious, Ash.
212
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:38,357
Mick, I'm not sure people's issue
with car theft is the emissions.
213
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,437
Do you know what I mean?
Anyways, don't go too fast.
214
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:41,877
It's one padlock.
215
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:45,360
This thing's a glorified milk float,
we'll need the run up.
216
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,797
Right, hold onto your hats!
217
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,237
(YELLING)
218
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,877
(CLANG) (ALARM BLARES)
219
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,760
(CAR SYSTEM DINGING)
220
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,040
I think the battery's damaged.
221
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:02,197
You fucking idiot!
222
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:04,917
I didn't know there was gonna be
bollards there, did I!
223
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,720
Oh Jesus.
Run away. Run away. Run away.
224
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:15,397
So err, does it hurt, this then?
225
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,477
Like you wouldn't believe.
226
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:18,557
Oh...
227
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,157
(YELLS)
Oh you fucking stupid bastard!
228
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:22,720
(LOW, TENSE MUSIC)
229
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,637
We've been fucked. By a pervert.
230
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:28,477
They will do that, yeah.
231
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,877
Gary did some digging with his
undertaker mates.
232
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,077
Figures.
233
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:34,757
Apparently some guy's been breaking
into the coroner's at night
234
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,677
and 'doing things' with the bodies.
Oh...
235
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:38,237
The problem is
they didn't catch him.
236
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,117
So they've had to overhaul security
to try and stop the little bastard.
237
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:44,077
Which explains the bollards,
the alarm, and fuck knows what else.
238
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:47,280
Right, we'll have to find another
way in. So was he fondling corpses?
239
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,320
Well rumour is he dresses them up...
240
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,760
...and recreates
classic album covers.
241
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,997
Oh well I think that's better
than what I imagined?
242
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,597
It is surprisingly peachy isn't it
actually? Yeah that's fine.
243
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:03,797
Hang on a moment. No, no, no,
this guy clearly knows
244
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:05,637
another way into the coroners
don't he?
245
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,477
We have to track down this bas-tard.
246
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:09,917
When the cops couldn't?
247
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,957
Laugh ye not dick face. OK.
248
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,517
Because what I have,
that the police don't have
249
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,397
is my underground network
of sexual miscreants.
250
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:18,877
That is true. Dirty bastard.
251
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,197
Yeah 'The Illuminasty'.
Oh. Nice little word play.
252
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:23,277
Very good.
253
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:26,157
JJ: OK listen. You just need to keep
him safe, hug him if he cries.
254
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,477
And we will be like three hours max.
255
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:31,277
Oh you'll be fine.
He more or less looks after himself.
256
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:32,797
He absolutely doesn't!
257
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:35,277
As you can tell,
he's used to a very low bar...
258
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,277
Right ready?
OK, Bubba be back soon.
259
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:42,600
OK, now, you are gonna be a good
little boy for your Auntie Ally.
260
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,997
I'm not your Auntie mate.
(FARTING)
261
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:48,800
Oh, and he might need changing.
262
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:52,837
Changing?! (CRYING)
263
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,040
Into what?
264
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:57,917
You sure this is the right place,
yeah?
265
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,477
I trust my sources.
The Illuminasty have come good.
266
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,480
They always do Ashley.
They always do.
267
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,277
(DOOR BELL CHIMES 'The Entertainer')
268
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:06,637
Oooh.
269
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,437
Red flag there. Odd yeah.
270
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,117
What is that?
What's this fella's name again?
271
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:12,640
Wet Greg.
272
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:14,917
'Wet Greg'?
273
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,960
Wet Greg.
I only know his chat room name.
274
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:19,360
Yes?
275
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,877
Err Wet Greg?
276
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,877
Fuck! Get him, Ashley!
277
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:30,117
(PLAYFUL POP MUSIC)
278
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,280
(MUFFLED YELLING)
279
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,520
Get him Ahsley! Get him Ashley!
280
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,277
(HISSING) Stop it Wet Greg.
281
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:44,197
No! No! Piss off! I want my lawyer!
282
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,440
What do you want
your fucking lawyers for?
283
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:52,317
I thought you were the police?
(CHUCKLING)
284
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:53,997
Do we look like the police?
285
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:57,680
I'm in a velour track suite love. Yeah. WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000, MPEGTS:0
286
00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:06,997
Well we'd have to put the 'M' back.
287
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:10,240
Or add an 'E'?
What The Queen's Ears?
288
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,917
Front bar. Back bar...
289
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,117
Bar.
290
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,797
Oh thank fuck, she's here.
291
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,800
Six month lease.
Last landlord hit by a bus.
292
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,557
That's what you want. Is it?
293
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:25,757
Oh yeah.
294
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,557
With landlords it's normally one of
the three b's -
295
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,717
breakdown, broke or brawl.
296
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:32,757
Yeah.
297
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,557
It's so reassuring when
the last guy's just hit by a bus.
298
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,557
Unless he stepped out on purpose?
299
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:39,880
Good point.
300
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,037
Doesn't say...
301
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,597
Oh it doesn't say. Really,
you sure you want to check again?
302
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:47,680
Right. Let me know if you want it.
303
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,357
Oh well, the layout's all wrong,
isn't it.
304
00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:55,357
No. A bit of imagination, alright.
305
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:58,677
Look, I'm thinking,
new booths back there.
306
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,837
Yes. And you could do
a cheeky little rebrand.
307
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:05,717
Goodbye 'The Queen's Arms',
hello 'The Queen... Elizabeth'.
308
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:06,877
(GASPS)
309
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:10,277
You know, 'Just popping down The Liz
for a pint', trips off tongue.
310
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:12,317
Oooh, I'm popping down
The Queen Liz for a pint.
311
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,640
Yeah. I could put-
I could put a painting of me...
312
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:17,760
Well it's in the bag...
313
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:20,640
Gonna pop for a piss.
314
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,480
(SIGHS)
315
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:35,280
Dad?
316
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,677
Jehan?
317
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:41,077
(BOTH CRY OUT)
318
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:42,240
Shit!
319
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:44,120
Sorry!
320
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,157
Hey, hey, hey, hands.
321
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:48,680
Hands. Hands.
322
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:54,480
Oh my God, I mean. This is-
Oh my God.
323
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,597
Err oh 'Rumours: Fleetwood Mac'.
324
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,277
Not a great Stevie Nicks,
325
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,637
but that Mick Fleetwood was too good
to miss -
326
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,797
the bloke was six foot eight.
OK.
327
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:07,477
Wow.
Impressive what you've done there.
328
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,637
They almost look alive don't they?
Yeah. Yeah.
329
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,317
Oh 'Tapestry: Carole King' -
had to bring my own cat.
330
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,637
Aww.
Oh 'Blondie: Parallel lines'.
331
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,957
Big pile up on the M6,
so I could do them and Queen.
332
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,077
While I hate to interrupt-
Please, please interrupt.
333
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,197
So yeah, so I'll cut to the chase.
334
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:26,237
We need to know the lay of the land.
335
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:28,517
How do you get in there?
What's in it for me?
336
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,637
Well we don't show
this muck to the police.
337
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:32,117
Uh-oh! (CAMERA CLICKS)
338
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,717
Gimme that. Hide that mate.
339
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,277
That's blackmail!
Oh I mean that's exactly what it is.
340
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,957
Yep that's blackmail.
That's blackmail. He says like that.
341
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,837
Gotcha.
Alright. What do you need?
342
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:45,317
How the fuck do we get
in the coroners?
343
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:46,480
Senior Care.
344
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,477
I'm sorry, what now?
Senior Care.
345
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,277
It's a charity shop - there's one
right opposite the Coroner.
346
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:53,877
I got a job volunteering.
347
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,237
They are a lovely bunch,
but clueless when it comes to tech.
348
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,997
So I offered to
'upgrade their security'.
349
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,357
I add a camera,
point it at the coroners
350
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:05,117
and stream the entrance code
only to me.
351
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,437
(PAD BEEPING)
352
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,757
Oh he's clever.
You've gotta give him that.
353
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:10,117
He's clever. A freak!
354
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,717
Then just wait for them to go home
and I can come and go as I please.
355
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,757
Go and cum as you please,
in your case.
356
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,877
Cos of the-Looking at all the-
357
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,677
No! That's perverse!
358
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,397
I'm only in it for the art.
359
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,317
(STAMMERS) What your saying that
we can still get in the front?
360
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,517
Well technically, yeah.
361
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,117
What if we got a van with
a sliding-door,
362
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,157
park it up close to the entrance-
Err uhum.
363
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,477
It's pedestrianised,
the high street.
364
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,357
You can't get a vehicle down there
without a key from the council.
365
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,917
Err what if we walked it out?
366
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,037
Shut up Mick, please.
Don't be a twat, Mick.
367
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,557
Stop Mick. Don't be a twat Mick.
368
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,037
Not you! You fucking circus act.
369
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:44,197
Hang on. Hang On.
370
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,997
The body gets handed over to the
family on November 1st, right?
371
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,117
What you getting at?
372
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,437
So, if your gonna have any chance
walking a dead body down
373
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,317
the main street,
on any night of the year.
374
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,437
Oh...
It's the night before that.
375
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:55,880
Halloween. Halloween.
376
00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:59,240
Cos of the costumes and all that.
Yeah, yeah we've got it.
377
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,797
This is mad, you know.
Like proper mad.
378
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:09,160
I mean it's been years.
Yeah. A long time... long time.
379
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,957
Right. When did you get back?
380
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:14,677
Well, just a few days ago.
Right.
381
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,677
What the hell are you
doing in Ramlington?
382
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,277
I have a friend here.
383
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:19,637
Well why didn't you just call?
384
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,677
I mean you could have just come
and stayed with us.
385
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,157
No, no, no — I would have...
didn't wanna bother you, y'know-
386
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:25,557
Dad, you'd be no bother.
387
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:27,397
No, I'm only here for a few weeks.
388
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,160
Right, OK. And so, what?
389
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,560
You weren't gonna call me?
390
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:38,960
No, no! I was-I would've-
It's just that erm...
391
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:41,240
Just what?
392
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:45,837
What?
393
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,520
Well, I'm...
394
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,080
...ill.
395
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,520
I'm ill.
396
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,797
I thought his dad lived in India?
397
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:04,157
Oh shit, is that racist?
Am I a racist?
398
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,317
No, he does.
399
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,317
He went there for work when JJ
was like 18/19.
400
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,437
Y'know there's the odd phone call,
birthday cards, but otherwise.
401
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,677
And that was the last time
he saw him?
402
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,837
In the flesh - yeah. I think so.
403
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:20,280
Wow, to do that to your own kid?
Like, I mean they're a part of you.
404
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,837
Oh yeah alright, whatever.
(PHONE PINGS)
405
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,320
Oh you soppy cow!
406
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,240
Oh shit. What?
407
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:34,637
Oh for fuck sake!
408
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:38,197
This is the most shit
I have ever seen in my entire life.
409
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,480
And my dad owns a farm.
(BABY GIGGLES)
410
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:44,037
Oh. Made yourself a bit
of room have you?
411
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:45,637
(HELD IN LAUGHTER)
412
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,637
And I still have my British
passport, so, you know,
413
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:50,080
err 'good old NHS'.
414
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,397
They've got a great department up
in, erm...
415
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,240
Lancaster? The kidneys.
416
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:59,157
I thought you said it was liver?
It just made sense to come back.
417
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,877
For a bit.
Just until they get on top of it.
418
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,197
Right.
419
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,160
Is someone going to be paying
for these?
420
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:08,877
Oh, Alright Faz!
I didn't see you there.
421
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,917
I didn't know they were with you.
Yeah, they're ehm...
422
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,160
Yeah. Sorry, Alan, hiyah.
423
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,800
Err Alan. Jehan. Jehan. Alan.
424
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:19,757
I'm JJ. I'm his son.
425
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,037
Oh. I didn't know he had another.
426
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,040
Does Pam know? (LAUGHS) Sorry?
427
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:29,000
Dad?
428
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,240
(SOFT SOMBRE MUSIC)
429
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,840
(LAUGHS) Aw. That takes me back.
430
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:54,800
I think we should take it.
431
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,557
This place.
Oh my God! Oh my God!
432
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,557
Wow. Oh my God.
433
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,237
Oh my God, you need to behave.
434
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,597
We're taking the pub!
435
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:04,717
Right.
436
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,280
Are you OK? Yeah.
437
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,477
Actually no. No, I'm not OK.
438
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,517
Because it's all just
one big fucking lie.
439
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,397
What is? Everything. The job.
440
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,637
Mumbai. Fucking cancer.
What? What cancer?
441
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:15,917
There is no fucking cancer.
442
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,880
He's been living here this whole
fucking time with his other family.
443
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:24,800
So... yeah. It's just all
one big fucking lie.
444
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,957
Were still taking the pub, yeah?
Mum!
445
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:32,597
What. (GROANS)
446
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,000
Oh God!
447
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:39,080
Right. Hear ye. Hear ye.
For this, is my fucking plan.
448
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,557
First things first. I'm gonna lay
on a Halloween Party here.
449
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,117
We're all gonna get into
our various Halloween attire.
450
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,517
Do as you will, dealers choice
and so on and so forth.
451
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:51,240
Then were gonna find ourselves in
photos, providing us with our what?
452
00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:54,717
BOTH: Alibi's.
Well done Ashley, very good.
453
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,757
Then we're gonna bundle ourselves
into the van.
454
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,957
No, no, plug-in Hybrid.
So reliable, but still green.
455
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:03,957
Well, like it's red.
But it's green.
456
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:05,717
I think we've got enough,
shut the fuck up.
457
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,837
We're gonna park the van
in Castle Road.
458
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:09,877
Then were gonna promenade down
the high street
459
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,677
just like a gang of lads just having
a hard on
460
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,077
or a fucking Halloween night out.
461
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:14,717
Then were gonna get into
the Coroner's,
462
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,917
and then were gonna steal
Quigley's lifeless corpse.
463
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,717
And then covertly get into
the fucking van.
464
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:20,277
From the van to the pub,
from the pub
465
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,517
we're gonna give the dead body to
Davey... and he can do-
466
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,637
I don't know what the fuck
he wants to do here.
467
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:25,920
Any questions?
468
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,120
Ashley. Thank you.
Err what is Wanksy doing here?
469
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:35,037
For the last time, I don't wank!
470
00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:36,997
What, what, like ever at home.
471
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:38,717
I mean if anything
that's even weirder.
472
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,437
Alright. Alright. Alright.
473
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,997
See, this chap knows the way down
there like the back of his
474
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,917
very well moisturised hand.
Yes I do.
475
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,717
So he's coming with, OK?
476
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:47,877
What about a hard on?
477
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,717
Ask him there,
does he get a hard on?
478
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,557
Do you get a hard on?
Do you get a hard on?
479
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:53,517
♪ Otis Redding:
You Don't Miss Your Water ♪
480
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,240
♪ In the beginning
481
00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:00,160
♪ You really loved me, oh
482
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:05,560
♪ I was too blind- ♪
483
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:08,637
Fuck!! (BRAKES SQUEAL)
484
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,677
Shitting hell!
What the fuck, Liz?!
485
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,237
They've refused my fucking license!
486
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,437
What? Why??
487
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,797
'Previous judgements against you
make you an unsuitable candidate
488
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:22,557
for-what... It's just one little
Drunk and Disorderly.
489
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,797
Oh, oh no and another one.
490
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:28,317
But I've changed. I'm functioning.
491
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,480
I clearly put functioning!
492
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:33,840
What if I were to get it?
493
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:36,157
The license, I mean.
494
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,197
It only needs to be one of us,
right?
495
00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:39,480
Would you do that?
496
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,000
Yeah. Of course.
497
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:44,437
Oh sweetheart!
498
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,800
Come here for a big-Ah mum.
499
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,877
Ooh, that's a torque wrench
as well actually.
500
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,317
But this one has got
a little click-clutch,
501
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,957
but it's similar in principle to
the beam type that you saw earlier.
502
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:03,197
Yes it is.
503
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,477
Yes it is you cheeky bugger.
Right, what else have we got?
504
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:09,400
We've got some...
Knockerty, knock.
505
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,600
We're closed.
506
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:15,757
I just wanted to explain.
507
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:19,080
'You're a lying prick', job done.
Fuck off.
508
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,280
It was a different time, Jehan.
509
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:25,960
Are you kidding me?!
510
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:31,117
It was 2010! Alright. We were like,
on what? The fifth Fast and Furious!
511
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:34,277
Your mother and I were
in trouble long before that.
512
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:36,837
Her parents wouldn't let
her divorce.
513
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,277
So you fucked off to Ramlington
with your bit on the side, eh.
514
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:42,557
No, no, never-
It was never, Pam came after.
515
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,197
You gotta understand,
I was put under a lot of pressure.
516
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,757
That's bollocks. You know Nani's
been dead for ten years.
517
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,677
You could have come in here at
any point
518
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,157
and had the awkward conversation,
519
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:53,317
but it was just easier for you,
to keep me in the past.
520
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,757
So you could carry on playing happy
families with Pam and all
521
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:57,637
your wonderful fucking kids, right.
522
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,157
Just the one. Navid.
523
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,160
He's 13.
524
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,077
This must be Sonny. No.
525
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:07,957
No, no, no,
he's none of your damn business.
526
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:09,077
Is what he is.
527
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,197
Do you know of all the shit that
I've had to deal with,
528
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:13,157
because I didn't have no fucker
to look after me,
529
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,797
he's the one thing I've done right.
So, if you think after 15 years
530
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,757
of fuck all, you're just
gonna waltz back in here
531
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:19,637
when I've finally got my shit
together
532
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,797
and play 'uncle-fucking-dad', you've
got another thing coming alright!
533
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:24,837
What does 'uncle-fucking-dad'-?
534
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,557
I don't know! OK.
It just means, fuck off!
535
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:31,277
Just fuck off, back to
your other fucking family
536
00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:33,397
and stop making me say 'fuck'
in front of my son,
537
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:34,917
which I fucking hate.
538
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,560
(SOMBRE MUSIC) (BABY CRYING)
539
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:44,000
Does he know about me?
540
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:49,680
I don't want another son
hating me like you do.
541
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,880
(BABY FUSSING)
542
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:04,517
Hey. Hey, hey, come here.
543
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,520
Dad's sorry he said 'fuck', OK.
544
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,320
♪ The Specials: Ghost Town ♪
545
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:14,917
(SOFT SCATTING)
546
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,320
There we go, lovely. Fucking 'ell.
547
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,880
Everywhere. (EVIL LAUGH)
548
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,640
Left side down a bit, Lizabeth.
There's a good witch.
549
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,557
Thank you Count Twat-cula.
550
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,797
Oh I vant to drink your bloo-
551
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:31,957
Fuck.
552
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,757
You said you were coming
as Freddie Kruger!
553
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:36,077
Yeah, this was dead cheap.
Yeah, I know it's cheap, mate.
554
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:37,997
I know it were cheap.
Why do you think I got it?
555
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:39,880
Oh shitting 'ell. What?
556
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:43,477
If it was dead cheap.
What's up, bludder-suckers?
557
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:45,957
Right, brilliant. Yeah.
Very inconspicuous, this isn't it.
558
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:47,557
All going to Jan's
fucking party shop!
559
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,157
Can't wait to rob a corpse in the
high street, looking like this.
560
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,117
Should I go home and change?
No mate, no, no, no
561
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:54,117
cos it's too late, in't it.
So just I don't know,
562
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:55,800
fucking blend in or somert.
563
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,237
Oh, oh happy day,
another fucking Vampire.
564
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:02,997
What? No - I'm Nick Cave.
565
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:04,400
Oh... Who's that?
566
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:07,440
It's your man off Con Air.
Oh right. Yeah.
567
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,800
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
568
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,200
Oh sorry.
569
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,477
Nice outfit. You too.
570
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,280
I'm on my way to work. Ahh.
571
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,880
(LIFT RUMBLES)
572
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,397
(LIFT JUDDERS, STOPS)
573
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:33,880
Oh that's not good.
574
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:36,717
Probably start again in a minute.
575
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:38,360
Yeah. Yeah.
576
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:41,720
So where do you work?
577
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:44,837
A&E.
578
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:46,437
Oh God,
well that'll be busy tonight.
579
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,800
(CHUCKLING) Chaos.
580
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:54,560
Oh shit. There's no signal...
581
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,280
It's not starting up again, is it?
582
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:02,837
Why the fuck is there
no signal in here?
583
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:05,000
Oh I'm sure it's gonna
start again any minute.
584
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:07,357
What? No! (METALLIC GROAN)
585
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:08,680
Oh my God.
586
00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:11,760
Oh.
587
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,040
What the fuck was that? WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000, MPEGTS:0
588
00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:22,400
♪ Rockwell: Somebody's watching me ♪
589
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:30,077
♪ I always feel like
somebody's watching me
590
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:33,477
♪ And I have no privacy (oh-oh-oh)
591
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:36,477
♪ I always feel like
somebody's watching me...
592
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:38,757
Pint please, Liz. Alright.
593
00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:41,117
Oh, come as a Wolfman have yer?
594
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:42,917
No, I've come as you, you cunt.
595
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,597
Alright. Fucking hell..
596
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:46,197
You not dressing up Jim?
597
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:49,277
I am fucking dressed up.
I'm that cunt from Jaws.
598
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:51,557
He didn't have a beard? I know.
599
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,557
But if I shave this fucker off,
600
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:56,197
I'll spend all night
fighting off minge.
601
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:57,477
(LAUGHS) Hey.
602
00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:00,157
You might well fucking laugh,
but I tell you,
603
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,397
last time I was clean shaven,
604
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:07,037
I had women all over me, like ants
on a dropped fucking lolly.
605
00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:08,677
As if. Bollocks.
606
00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,797
Oh well fuckin' 'ell. There you go!
607
00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:14,837
Have a look at that, fucker.
608
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:19,157
Oh wow. Jesus. Fair play to you Jim.
609
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:20,357
Fucking told ya.
610
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:25,440
This itchy bastard is hiding
some prime fucking real estate.
611
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:30,597
Jesus fuckin' Christ Shirley!
Fucking 'ell!
612
00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:33,117
How'd you know it was me?
Because you stink of sheep,
613
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:35,317
you Tutankhamun cunt.
614
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:36,680
Who's that?
615
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:43,837
♪ I always feel like
somebody's watching me
616
00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:45,557
♪ And I have no privacy...
617
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,917
What have you come has,
or is this just like you?
618
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,077
I'm a psychotic undertaker.
619
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:53,197
Right, so you then.
Come on, get in the photo.
620
00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:56,437
There we go. Try and look
as though you're enjoying your life.
621
00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:59,837
Ahah. Oh hello there.
Great right, that's our alibi.
622
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:03,840
Now let us go and find a Porn Baron!
623
00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:05,797
Just try to stay calm.
624
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:08,197
I'm sorry, I need to get out of
here. I can't be in here.
625
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:10,597
It's too small. I can't get locked
in here. I can't breathe.
626
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:12,397
I'm no good in small spaces,
I can't do this.
627
00:29:12,480 --> 00:29:14,397
It's OK, you're having
a panic attack. Breathe.
628
00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:15,757
I can't-Follow me.
629
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:17,717
MAN: (ON INTERCOM)
Hello, can I help?
630
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:19,797
Oh my God. Yes! Hi. Hi. Err yeah.
631
00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:22,157
We're trapped in a lift
in the Waverly Building.
632
00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:24,517
(FIZZING, LIFT JOLTS)
Ah. Fuck off!
633
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:27,157
Blackpool?
Yeah! Can you release us, please?
634
00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:30,237
I can't. I'm in Birmingham.
Can you send someone else then?
635
00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:32,797
Like who? A fucking engineer!
636
00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:34,637
Yeah. OK.
637
00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:37,877
Bear with us,
I'll just give him a call.
638
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:40,037
(ROCK MUSIC) (SEXUAL MOANING)
639
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:41,597
Fucking hell. Ignore it.
640
00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:44,800
What if it's wife?
Oh my God, ignore it!
641
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:49,720
Fucking tense bitch. Come on. Yes.
642
00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:55,117
Wow. No fucking way.
643
00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:58,117
Yeah. I had a crew cut for years.
Why did you shave it off?
644
00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:01,197
Err it was err,
too abrasive on the headboards.
645
00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:02,800
(DISGUSTED GROAN)
646
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:06,957
Err any chance of a straw?
647
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:08,317
Yeah. Help yourself.
648
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:10,040
You look a right cunt.
649
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:12,477
Yeah.
650
00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:15,040
(UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC)
651
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:33,560
Oh hello. Yeah. Go on get out of it.
652
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:37,320
Right were in. Were in. Come on.
653
00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:40,120
Right Meena, you keep a lookout.
654
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:45,117
♪ Mr Sandman (RETCHING, GAGGING)
655
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:46,680
♪ Bring me a dream
656
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:50,877
♪ Make him the cutest
that I've ever seen...
657
00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:52,080
No.
658
00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:54,760
No.
659
00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:56,997
No.
660
00:30:57,080 --> 00:31:00,000
♪ Tell him that his lonesome nights
are over...
661
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:02,917
Found him. Found him.
662
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:04,600
Found him. Let's have a look.
663
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:08,397
Fucking hell, you are kidding me.
Bollocks.
664
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:11,557
Fucking identical. Like brothers.
665
00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:13,757
Toe tags! Toe tags! Toe tags.
666
00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:15,440
Go on Mick. Toe tags.
667
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:19,717
Ah Bingo. 'Amos Quigley'!
668
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:21,800
Good man. Which fella's that off?
669
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:26,717
Err...
You are fucking kidding me!
670
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:28,557
Jesus Christ Michael!
671
00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:32,077
He's got more going on upstairs than
you, and he's a fucking corpse.
672
00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:34,320
Maybe that one! Fucking cunt.
673
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:38,237
'Distinguishing features'?
674
00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:40,517
Yes Davey. You know
distinguishing features.
675
00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:43,957
Fucking 'ell, these teeth!
Like a scar or a birthmark.
676
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:47,477
Right well. He did start out on
the other side of the camera,
677
00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:49,080
if you know what I mean.
678
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:51,277
No, I don't know what you mean.
679
00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:56,437
Oh Thomas, what I am saying
is before he was big in porn,
680
00:31:56,520 --> 00:32:00,597
ooh... he was big... in porn.
681
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:02,160
Oh... Quite.
682
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,197
Absolutely fucking not.
683
00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:08,437
Fine, Michael.
684
00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:09,757
Yeah, no I'm the driver,
685
00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:11,997
I do not investigate
fucking dead penises.
686
00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:14,517
Not a chance. Fucking Wet Greg this
is your bread and butter.
687
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,437
Come on.No. No nudity unless
it was the artist's intention.
688
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:19,397
No nudity unless it was
the artist's intention.
689
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,357
You do it every day.
No way. No way.
690
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:23,997
You have seen many dicks.
Fine! I have boundaries.
691
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:28,877
Oh si a benya. Bloody Christ Alive.
What the hell is that.
692
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,277
Christ it's making my eyes water
a little bit looking at it.
693
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:34,957
Standard.
And that-that's him in a fridge.
694
00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:36,957
Do you know what I mean,
impressive?!
695
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,837
Right, let's take Anus for a walk.
696
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:42,957
♪ Jack White: I'm Shakin' ♪
697
00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:45,600
Here we go.
Nothing to see here folks.
698
00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:49,040
Heavy dead bastard.
699
00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:56,397
Right, get him in there. Jesus.
700
00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:58,437
Is he in? Fuck, it's come out!
701
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:00,040
The beast is unleashed!
702
00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:03,237
(TYRES SQUEAL) (PARTY MUSIC)
703
00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:05,837
Yeah, but it's still a muff.
704
00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:08,677
No, not if they shave it.
705
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:10,837
The muff is the hair.
706
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:14,080
No, the muff is the muff.
707
00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:18,320
(LAUGHTER) Oh you daft cunt.
708
00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:21,760
Fuck. What are you serving here?
709
00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:25,237
It's the straw. It makes it go
straight to your head.
710
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:27,157
Everyone knows that.
Well I didn't!
711
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,797
Here, giz a fucking straw!
712
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:33,237
Right, come on, bring him through.
Nothing to see here.
713
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:34,640
Don't worry about that.
714
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,480
Go on, stick him in the corner,
that's it, good work.
715
00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:42,117
Elizabeth, sweetheart, love,
birthday cakes, angel,
716
00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:45,677
do me a favour, would you just crank
up the air-conditioning,
717
00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:47,797
right to fucking max.
Almost like it's a morgue.
718
00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:50,320
Right, I'm gonna send it to Davey.
Now et Voila.
719
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:54,037
Done it? Piece of piss that is.
The drinks are on me.
720
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:56,957
The drinks are on Tommo!
No! No! No! (CHEERING)
721
00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:59,557
Not for you.
I meant for them three! Fuck off!
722
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:03,160
(PROJECTOR WHIRRS)
(CREEPY CHILD TALKING)
723
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:11,680
(PHONE CHIMING)
724
00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:22,960
(LOW, OMINOUS MUSIC)
725
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:31,000
(LAUGHTER)
726
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:36,240
(LOW, OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)
727
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:40,477
(INTERCOM FIZZES) Oh hello?
728
00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:42,757
Err bit of a problem. What?
729
00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:44,597
The on call guy isn't answering.
730
00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:47,197
Well he's not very on-call if he's
not fucking answering, is he!
731
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:49,840
Just-just keep try him please!
Just keep trying.
732
00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:53,597
Fuck. Think of something calm.
733
00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:55,597
Can't! Something that calms you.
734
00:34:55,680 --> 00:34:57,000
My son. My son.
735
00:34:58,000 --> 00:34:59,717
What's his name? Tyler.
736
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:02,720
OK. OK. Think of Tyler.
737
00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:05,517
No, it's not working.
It's not working.
738
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:07,800
Someone else.
Who makes you feel calm?
739
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,877
That's it. You've got someone.
740
00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:16,680
Phew... Yeah. Yeah.
741
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:20,397
Vinnie. Is he your fella?
742
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:23,560
No, no, it's just if I called him
he'd know what to do.
743
00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:28,557
Hey. Birmingham.
Can you call someone for us?
744
00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:31,917
Call someone?
Yeah. We need to speak to Vinnie.
745
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:33,437
♪ The Automatic: Monster ♪
746
00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:35,397
♪ What's that coming over the hill?
747
00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:38,680
♪ Is it a monster? Is it a monster?
748
00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:41,517
Ah, there you are.
749
00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:43,477
Right well listen, I spoke
to whatsherface,
750
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,557
she said we can get into
The Queen Liz by end of the-
751
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:47,477
Mum. I got turned down.
For the license.
752
00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:49,117
Public Indecency, 2014.
753
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:51,117
Public-? What did you do?
754
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:53,800
Nothing I wanna discuss with my mum.
Oh fuck...
755
00:35:54,680 --> 00:35:57,560
Can we ask JJ?
Not with all that drugs shit? No.
756
00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:00,717
Well I mean, it's only paperwork.
757
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:03,317
Whoever gets the license don't have
to actually run the place.
758
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:05,277
They just have to say
they run the place.
759
00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:06,917
Like a silent partner? Yeah.
760
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:09,117
They just have to have
their application accepted.
761
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:11,400
I mean we could ask...
(CHEERING)
762
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:16,440
Why is everybody that we know
a total fucking reprobate?
763
00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:22,157
So I said, there's no point checking
for TB now,
764
00:36:22,240 --> 00:36:24,437
we've fucking eaten half of it'.
765
00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:29,040
(SNORES, GRUMBLES)
Fucking state of you.
766
00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:32,160
Ya lightweight cunt...
767
00:36:33,240 --> 00:36:37,037
Oh, right. Quick piss.
768
00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:38,840
Then I better get you home...
769
00:36:40,720 --> 00:36:44,200
♪ Stevie Wonder: Superstition ♪
770
00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:56,957
Oh. Alright yes, you fucking
turncoat! That it, is it?
771
00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,517
Are you gonna set yourself up
in competition against me?
772
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:01,317
It's thirty fucking miles away.
773
00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:04,037
Not the point mate!
What about err loyalty eh?
774
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:06,037
What loyalty to you?! Yes.
775
00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:08,917
I'll tell you what,
you're a shitty boss y'know.
776
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:10,917
Ow?! You're-you're shouty,
777
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:13,757
you're-you're petty, you're weird,
778
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:16,437
I do all the work round here
for your shitty money!
779
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:20,400
Anything else.
Ooh. Sorry. Quick staff meeting.
780
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:23,397
Go on, carry on. Anymore?
781
00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:24,877
No, anyway it doesn't matters,
782
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:27,437
because I didn't get the license,
so fucking 'ell.
783
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,397
Seems like society doesn't
understand the meaning of
784
00:37:30,480 --> 00:37:32,317
the word functioning!
785
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:36,277
God knows how a dodgy little bastard
like you got one!
786
00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:37,717
OK, alright Elizabeth.
787
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:40,117
Erm first things first,
I'm pretty sure that err,
788
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:42,317
terms like that in reference
to your manager is in fact
789
00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:44,677
breach of contract.
Well I haven't got a contract, so.
790
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:47,437
I should... probably sort that,
erm secondly,
791
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:50,557
if you own the lease,
you don't need a license-
792
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:52,997
You do need a license!
No you don't!
793
00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:54,237
Yes you do. OK.
794
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:56,437
If you wanna serve alcohol, you do.
OK.
795
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:57,837
Elizabeth, I hate saying this,
796
00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:01,397
but I have in fact now run two
successful nighttime establishments,
797
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:04,157
OK, so I'm quite confident
when I say that,
798
00:38:04,240 --> 00:38:06,957
if you own the lease,
you don't a lic-Do you?
799
00:38:07,040 --> 00:38:09,597
Yeah. Very much so.
Pretty sure you do. It's vital.
800
00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:11,317
It's vital. Oh dear,
801
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,517
looks like we're both a bit fucked,
don't it.
802
00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:15,400
Let's hope no one tells on you.
803
00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:20,760
But... Sugar? Come on.
804
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:29,520
Oh fuck.
805
00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:35,837
(LOW, OMINOUS MUSIC)
806
00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:37,880
(SINISTER STING) (SOFTLY) Fuck.
807
00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:45,240
Anus didn't have hair.
808
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,837
(SCREAMS) (SCREAMS)
809
00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:51,957
No! That's the wrong one,
that's Shirley!
810
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:55,197
That's not Quigley-
Oh my fucking nose!
811
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:56,637
Where-where's Quigley gone?!
812
00:38:56,720 --> 00:38:59,117
What the fuck.
I thought Jim had took you home?
813
00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:01,557
(CAR HORNS)JIM: (MUFFLED)
It's my fucking road too!
814
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:04,077
Oh fuck.
He's got the wrong fucking mummy!
815
00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:05,157
What?
816
00:39:05,240 --> 00:39:08,517
Jim, he's drunk-driving
with a stolen corpse!
817
00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:10,397
Thomas! Go and get him then!
818
00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:12,917
♪ The Hives:
Hate to Say I Told You So ♪
819
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:14,677
Oh fucking hell.
820
00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:18,920
Lucky fucking rabbit, you are.
Oh fuck.
821
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:27,077
Where you fucking going on holiday
this year. The fucking pyramids?
822
00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:28,557
(LAUGHS) (CAR HORN BLARES)
823
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:30,757
Fuck off, knob head!
824
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:33,200
(SIRENS BLARE)
825
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:39,557
Oh for fuck sake!
See what you've fucking done now?
826
00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:41,877
You fucking He-man cunt.
827
00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:46,200
Leave the talking to me, yeah.
Fucking keep it shut.
828
00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:52,840
(TYRES GRIND)
829
00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:56,717
Oh bollocks. What do we do now?
830
00:39:56,800 --> 00:39:59,400
Well, go to prison
is the usual procedure.
831
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:04,280
Keep schtum.
I'm gonna course in diplomacy.
832
00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:08,357
Alright Jim?
What the fuck is it this time?
833
00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:10,237
What is it every time?
You're pissed.
834
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:12,037
Am I fuck.
835
00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:13,960
Jim, I can smell it on your-
836
00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:15,800
Is he alright?
837
00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:20,157
He's just wankered.
Can he breathe through all that?
838
00:40:20,240 --> 00:40:23,077
Hey, what are you, his mummy?
839
00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:25,637
Just take that shit
off his face will you.
840
00:40:25,720 --> 00:40:27,320
Oh for fuck's sake.
841
00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,960
(TYRES SQUEAL) Fuck!
842
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:33,120
Just... drive careful!
843
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:35,797
Oscar Zulu One-Seven,
assistance required.
844
00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:37,320
(TYRES SQUEAL)
845
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:42,240
Me drive careful?
You've just lost your fucking door!
846
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:44,517
Jim! Ooh fuck.
847
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:45,877
Get in the back!
848
00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:49,037
You taking us home?
I'm not a fucking Uber?
849
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:50,597
Thank fuck for that.
850
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:52,837
(PHONE RINGING)
851
00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:54,480
Oh fuck off.
852
00:40:56,720 --> 00:40:58,517
Hello? Are you Vinnie?
853
00:40:58,600 --> 00:40:59,717
Who's asking?
854
00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:02,317
Your friend Erin is stuck in a lift,
and she wants to speak to you.
855
00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:04,237
Erin, what's going on.
Are you alright?
856
00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:07,637
No Vin. No, I'm stuck.
857
00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:10,637
In a lift. And the lights keep
fucking flickering.
858
00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:12,077
Alright, look just listen.
859
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:14,437
You've been in worst positions
than this haven't yer, eh?
860
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:17,040
No.You got locked in
a cage with fucking lion.
861
00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:20,317
She's been having panic attacks.
862
00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:22,917
Oh hello. Who's that?
Alex, I'm here with your friend.
863
00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:25,877
She's been really kind.
She's been helping me breathe.
864
00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:29,557
Erin, what's going on sweetheart,
are you OK?
865
00:41:29,640 --> 00:41:30,720
No.
866
00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:34,237
It's since the coach Vin. Look,
867
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:39,717
I haven't told you, but I keep
getting really, really bad anxiety.
868
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:41,357
Right well it's-
I mean that's normal.
869
00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:43,557
That's natural.
We all nearly fucking died.
870
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:46,240
No, Vin. I mean it,
like really, really bad.
871
00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:48,837
And I just keep thinking like...
872
00:41:48,920 --> 00:41:52,560
First it was Dylan, then the coach.
What's next?
873
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:55,317
Well they say things come
in three's.
874
00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:57,397
Well, yeah they do...
875
00:41:57,480 --> 00:42:00,077
But I mean there'll be a bloody sell
by date on that, won't there,
876
00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:01,957
things come in fucking
three's I mean Christ?
877
00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:04,117
I just don't want anything
else bad to happen.
878
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:07,717
Sweetheart.
Nothing else bad is gonna happen.
879
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:10,480
(GENTLE SOMBRE MUSIC)
880
00:42:12,240 --> 00:42:14,080
I'm all dressed up for Halloween.
881
00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:20,040
Halloween always reminds me of
when I found out I was pregnant.
882
00:42:21,720 --> 00:42:23,200
I remember err...
883
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:27,680
...walking down to the shops...
in shock.
884
00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:29,880
Sat down on this bench...
885
00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:34,357
...and Frankenstein come
and sat next to me.
886
00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:35,997
He saw that I was crying.
887
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:37,477
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
888
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:39,360
And he said it'll all be OK.
889
00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:41,520
And it was.
890
00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:46,240
You know,
I didn't think I wanted a baby.
891
00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:51,440
That boy,
has bonded us for life Vin.
892
00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:55,317
And I want you to be
in his life forever,
893
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:58,200
and I don't want anything-
anything bad to happen.
894
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:00,917
Listen.
895
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:04,757
Nothing else bad's gonna happen
sweetheart for God's sake it's-
896
00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:08,280
Life's been good. We've been fucking
seizing every day out 'ere.Vin.
897
00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:12,200
You're my best friend.
898
00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:14,840
You've always had my back.
899
00:43:18,600 --> 00:43:24,200
And in another universe,
you, me and Tyler...
900
00:43:25,720 --> 00:43:28,480
...would be together
like a normal family.
901
00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:32,760
I wish I could find that universe,
love.
902
00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:37,120
Yeah me too.
903
00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:40,680
Listen, I'll say it,
just so it's said.
904
00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:43,000
Erin. Hmm.
905
00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:47,800
I love you.
906
00:43:52,240 --> 00:43:55,000
I love you.
And I love-I love Tyler.
907
00:43:56,280 --> 00:44:00,237
And I know I don't sound very brave
now, but I'll always help you,
908
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:02,000
if ever need me.
909
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:06,600
If you ever get stuck in
a lift again, y'know I just...
910
00:44:08,960 --> 00:44:11,200
I just want to be
the one that you ring?
911
00:44:13,080 --> 00:44:14,280
Do you promise?
912
00:44:17,200 --> 00:44:18,600
Yeah, I promise.
913
00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:24,557
One sec.
The lift engineer's calling.
914
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:26,760
I'll put you on hold. Thank God.
915
00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:32,560
(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)
916
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:38,040
Why not this universe?
917
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:46,520
(ELEVATOR JOLTS, MOVES)
918
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:49,840
(CHEERING)
919
00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:54,877
Oh thank God. Oh God my heart.
My heart. My heart. My heart.
920
00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:58,677
(GROANS) Right.
There you very much go love.
921
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:01,557
Thank you Thomas.
It's alright. Actually looks err...
922
00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:03,197
looks quite peaceful there,
don't he.
923
00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:04,717
Not for long. (SINISTER STING)
924
00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:07,237
Oh, oh fucking hell Davey,
alright, do you know what?
925
00:45:07,320 --> 00:45:09,637
Reckon I've got somert I could just
be getting on with-
926
00:45:09,720 --> 00:45:11,397
Oh fuck it.
I'm just gonna say it, mate.
927
00:45:11,480 --> 00:45:12,597
I'm sorry,
928
00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:16,797
but do you think maybe it's possible
that even by your standards,
929
00:45:16,880 --> 00:45:18,680
you've gone to
a slightly weird place.
930
00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:22,317
No offence! No offence!
No offence meant.
931
00:45:22,400 --> 00:45:24,877
Right, I just mean, do you think
lately cooped up in here,
932
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:26,517
you're going a bit fucking nuts eh?
933
00:45:26,600 --> 00:45:28,357
I've no other option,
do I sweetheart?!
934
00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:30,637
Well what I'm saying is,
maybe you do, maybe it's time
935
00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:32,877
that you spoke to Joey Kittens.
Yes, I've tried that.
936
00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:35,517
Maybe, maybe we broker a truce,
how's about that? Clear the air.
937
00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:38,477
And speaking of which, have you
thought about popping open a window?
938
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:40,997
Cause it does sort of... stink.
939
00:45:41,080 --> 00:45:42,957
I'll think about it.
940
00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:44,277
The window or-? The meeting.
941
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:45,717
Meeting.Thomas. Oh yes.
942
00:45:45,800 --> 00:45:47,037
Now, if you do not mind,
943
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:50,957
Mr Quigley and I have got
some catching up to do.
944
00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:54,397
In honour of my brother.
No, you knock yourself out.
945
00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:57,157
I tell you what just err, put a
sheet down, before yeah butcher-
946
00:45:57,240 --> 00:45:58,400
Ah OK.
947
00:46:01,240 --> 00:46:05,080
Oh I've been looking forward
to this, Anus. For a long time...
948
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:08,397
What a shame
that our Barry's not here.
949
00:46:08,480 --> 00:46:11,400
Hmm. Oh he'd be saying...
950
00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:15,240
Well, he was man of few words,
as you know.
951
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:19,760
But deceptively adept at word games.
952
00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:24,280
Those tiny tiles in those big hands.
953
00:46:26,240 --> 00:46:27,560
Rare talent that...
954
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:30,400
Rare talent.
955
00:46:33,240 --> 00:46:35,760
(GENTLE MUSIC)
956
00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:52,880
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
957
00:46:54,440 --> 00:46:55,960
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
958
00:46:59,720 --> 00:47:03,597
Jehan err... How did you err...?
Tony at the pub.
959
00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:06,757
Listen, don't worry, I'm not here to
tell him his dad's a spineless liar,
960
00:47:06,840 --> 00:47:09,160
I know how that feels.
I need something.
961
00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:12,797
And seeing as you haven't given me
anything, my entire adult life,
962
00:47:12,880 --> 00:47:14,400
you are gonna give it to me.
963
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:16,437
What?
964
00:47:16,520 --> 00:47:17,720
A signature.
965
00:47:20,800 --> 00:47:22,597
License to sell alcohol?
966
00:47:22,680 --> 00:47:24,397
Yeah. Yeah. It was just err...
967
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,597
you know a little something
I need for my family.
968
00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:29,237
What if it goes all tit's up? Yeah.
It's a fucking worry, isn't it.
969
00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:31,077
I mean, you don't really
know if you trust me.
970
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:32,877
You don't really know what
sort of a man I am.
971
00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:34,397
Who's fucking fault is that?
972
00:47:34,480 --> 00:47:38,480
♪ Ask yourself if you are happy
973
00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:42,117
♪ And then you'll cease to be...
974
00:47:42,200 --> 00:47:44,600
(APPLAUSE)
975
00:47:47,000 --> 00:47:48,037
Did, alright.
976
00:47:48,120 --> 00:47:50,357
I'm lost for words.
977
00:47:50,440 --> 00:47:55,397
Aye. Well look erm...
Thank you for everything and erm.
978
00:47:55,480 --> 00:47:57,160
Sorry for erm...
979
00:47:58,400 --> 00:48:01,480
...everything.
Good luck with the Queen's Arse.
980
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:07,917
It's a bit quiet at Ramlington.
Yeah, it's a bit too quiet.
981
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:11,397
So erm, well you haven't get
a license. And I...
982
00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:13,397
I have got a license...
983
00:48:13,480 --> 00:48:15,877
Why don't you just pay me double,
and make me a manager -
984
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:17,957
and I'll run the place for you,
like...
985
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:20,960
I'll stay here.
What does... what do you think?
986
00:48:27,520 --> 00:48:30,637
Fine.
Shake her hand then, you dozy prick!
987
00:48:30,720 --> 00:48:32,757
Right. Right.
988
00:48:32,840 --> 00:48:34,760
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
989
00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:39,637
Sorry. Think we're stuck with her.
990
00:48:39,720 --> 00:48:41,877
Ah well y'know,
there are worser things.
991
00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:44,797
And you've changed your tune.
Yeah, well y'know...
992
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:45,877
It's family.
993
00:48:45,960 --> 00:48:49,037
Right, who wants a drink?
They're on the house!
994
00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:52,717
(CHEERING)
Fucking hell! No Elizabeth.
995
00:48:52,800 --> 00:48:54,917
Oh my God!
I think he just said something.
996
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:57,237
What?! What did he say?!
I think, he might have said 'mum'
997
00:48:57,320 --> 00:48:59,600
or something. (SHUSHING)
998
00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:03,880
Fuck. (LAUGHTER)
999
00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:06,080
Brilliant.
1000
00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:13,077
(SINISTER MUSIC)
1001
00:49:13,160 --> 00:49:14,557
♪ James Brown: I Feel Good ♪
1002
00:49:14,640 --> 00:49:16,520
Dismember. ♪ I feel good
1003
00:49:18,480 --> 00:49:20,320
♪ I knew that I would now
1004
00:49:22,040 --> 00:49:23,560
♪ I feel good What?
1005
00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:30,037
Oh yes, I'll help you out
again sweetheart.
1006
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:34,557
Hmmm... Well, I suppose we
could erm,
1007
00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:38,240
turn... the... tables.
1008
00:49:43,200 --> 00:49:45,880
What? On Joey Kittens?
1009
00:49:46,880 --> 00:49:50,080
(MUSIC FLARES)
1010
00:49:51,960 --> 00:49:53,840
(LOW, TENSE MUSIC)
1011
00:49:56,640 --> 00:50:00,000
Davey and Kittens
are gonna fucking meet, finally.
1012
00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:05,760
Just like the last supper.
1013
00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:11,240
But which one of you is
Judas Iscariot.
1014
00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:21,600
What the fuck have you done man!
1015
00:50:35,640 --> 00:50:39,320
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