All language subtitles for The Brits Are Coming 2018 1080p WEB-DL HEVC x265 5.1 BONE

BELLS RINGING

ORGAN PLAYS

What the fuck are you doing here?

What the fuck are you doing here?

Where's Irina?

She sent me instead.

Let's look at the package.

Give this to Irina
and don't fuck it up.

Give this to Irina
and don't fuck it up.

About fucking time.
When are you leaving?

About fucking time.
When are you leaving?

I was at church.Oh.

Hello, darling.Hello, darling.
Mwah.

How'd it go?Hmm...

How'd it go?Hmm...

Ooh! I see it went well.

Irina will be pleased.Very.

Fancy a bump?Just a tiny one.

Maybe I'll borrow a little cash.

Irina won't miss a grand or two.

May I?

Psst!

Psst!

Psst!

HISSING

HISSING

Hi, there, handsome.

What's your name, sexy?

What's your name, sexy?

Fuck off.

All right, mate.

Right, mate.

Oi, Harry.

Have we landed?
No, we haven't fucking landed!

I'm being accosted
by a tanning booth.

These flights are
a fucking nightmare.

I've been abused
and I've paid for the privilege.

I've been abused
and I've paid for the privilege.

Why do we have to go to Los Angeles?

It's the safest place
we can possibly be.

I mean, she'll be looking for us
in every hotel and bar in London.

I mean, she'll be looking for us
in every hotel and bar in London.

Oh, she'll look.

he'll hunt us down,

she'll find us, she'll torture us -

she'll find us, she'll torture us -

me first.

She's never liked me for some
reason.Here, take this.

You'll feel much better.

What was it?I don't know.

Xanax, possibly.Oh, right.

Los Angeles is horrible.

It's like a theme park built
on a fault line.

It's like a theme park built
on a fault line.

Ssh!

No, no, no, no.

No. Right.

Bye, love.

Bye, love.

Oh, yeah. Who was that, then?

Now, darling. Don't get upset.

It was Sidney, wasn't it?
I might have known.

It was Sidney, wasn't it?
I might have known.

He's an old friend.
He's an evil old pederast.

If we're going to see Sidney,
I need a fucking drink.

I'm as dry as
a schoolgirl's knickers.

BELLS TOLLING

Once again, I am being asked
to prostitute myself

Once again, I am being asked
to prostitute myself

for the sake of a criminal venture.

All I'm asking is that you take
one for the team, all right?

All I'm asking is that you take
one for the team, all right?

It's your own fault for being
so bloody beautiful.

Here, take this.

Here, take this.

I already took one.
Take another one.

All right.

And take...

..one of these.All right.

..one of these.All right.

ORGAN PLAYING

Go in peace, my child.

HE CHUCKLES

Well, well. Let me drink you in.

Sidney.

Sidney.

My dear, dear, Harry.

And my own boy.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Haven't we been filling out?

When I think back to how scrawny
you were when we first met.

Like a little bird, a fledgling.

And now look at you.

And now look at you.

Proud cock!

I do hope you have forgiven
your uncle Sidney

for that little mishap in Turkey.

for that little mishap in Turkey.

I couldn't bear to think of
you being angry with me.

Of course he's forgiven you.

It was only for a few months.

I can't even imagine the horrors
you was subjected to

I can't even imagine the horrors
you was subjected to

in that sordid jail.

I want you to tell me all about it.

Every little detail, hmm?

Every little detail, hmm?

All the ins and outs.

Sidney! We need a word.

Yes, this way, my pets.

Yes, this way, my pets.

He's new.Yes, the last one split.

He's new.Yes, the last one split.

Do you know? I don't think
I've seen you since Istanbul.

Do you know? I don't think
I've seen you since Istanbul.

It's been an age.

What have you been doing
with yourself?

Well, you know, this and that.

Import, export, a little poker.

How are you?Oh, much the same.

Still battling
this interminable ennui.

Still battling
this interminable ennui.

You know, life is simply
insupportable without you, Harry.

Well, I'm back.So I see.
Staying with us long, I hope.

Well, I'm back.So I see.
Staying with us long, I hope.

Fuck no!

That depends.

KNOCK AT DOOR

The package has arrived.
Thank you.

The package has arrived.
Thank you.

Sidney...we need some work.

And money. Shed loads of money.

And money. Shed loads of money.

So I heard.

How much do you owe Irina, in fact?

Oh, you know about her, do you?

SIDNEY CHUCKLES

Yes. She is making rather
a fuss, you know.

Is she? I can't imagine why.

I only borrowed a little
from her at poker.

I only borrowed a little
from her at poker.

Nothing, really. You know how it is.

GLASS SMASHES

GLASS SMASHES

Where is she?Get some drinks, love.

Drink?Yeah, get us a round
of drinks.

Drink?Yeah, get us a round
of drinks.

You? You want?Yeah.OK. I get it.

SCREAMING

Irina put a price on your head.

You were aware of that, I take it?

I never knew she cared.

Oh, I think you can both agree

Oh, I think you can both agree

that that just isn't true,
is it, darling?

And as for you,
you're a very naughty boy.

I have a good mind to put you
over my knee

and give you a very sound
spanking. But as it is,

and give you a very sound
spanking. But as it is,

I do have a small amount of opium
that needs delivering.

Really. How small?

Really. How small?

Oh, a...

A comfortable amount.

We'll do it for 50.35.

40.

40.

I'm so weak.

Because I love you, Harry...

The usual method, do you think?

Of course.

Gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

I'm not doing it.

Certainly not for 40 fucking grand.

I mean it. I'm not doing it.

I mean it. I'm not doing it.

We need the money, darling.I've had
so many things stuffed up my arse,

I might as well get a boyfriend
and move to San Francisco.

Don't be such a baby.

It'll be over before you know it.

It'll be over before you know it.

Quite frankly,
we have no fucking choice.

IRINA:Where is she?

I've not seen her in months.

Don't fucking lie to me.

Don't fucking lie to me.

I am not.

That bitch still owes me...

..money from a game in Hackney.

When you find her,
you can tell her that.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Yes?

Irina, my angel!
SPEAKS ANOTHER LANGUAGE

Irina, my angel!
SPEAKS ANOTHER LANGUAGE

How are you?

What do you want?It's been such
a long time, hasn't it?

What do you want?It's been such
a long time, hasn't it?

I've been meaning to call you up
and have a nice little chat with you

but where does time go?

but where does time go?

Where do you think?Sidney...

..I'm busy.
Well, this won't take long.

I understand that you are looking
for a certain person

I understand that you are looking
for a certain person

and that you're prepared to play
a very handsome price.

Hold on.

Talk to me.

We need a hotel.

We need a better plan
than drugs up my bum.

Welcome to the Chateau Marmont.
Thank you.

Ow!
BRAKES SQUEAL

Stop, stop!

Stop, stop!

Oh, my God, I am...
My God, you nearly killed him.

I am so sorry.
Darling, are you all right?

You could have killed me.
Where's the manager?

Er... This way, please. I...

Er... This way, please. I...

I only hope this suite goes some way

towards making up for this
unfortunate accident.

towards making up for this
unfortunate accident.

It'll do.

And call the doctor.

I need some painkillers.

Right away, sir.Send us
a personal shopper, will you?

Right away, sir.Send us
a personal shopper, will you?

We seem to have misplaced
our clothes.Absolutely.

Chop chop, on you go.

Fix us a drink, darling.

Supposed to be going on
fucking holiday.

We've gone abroad, haven't we?

It's what you wanted.
Los Angeles is not a holiday.

It's what you wanted.
Los Angeles is not a holiday.

It's a fucking lobotomy.

Being hunted down by Josef Stalin
is far from relaxing.

Gin and tonic?Lovely.

What do you think?Fucking whore.

That's not the
look I was going for.

No, no, no. Not you.

There's Jackie, look.

There's Jackie, look.

Oh.

Looks like she's having
trouble at home.

Perhaps we should pay her a visit.

No, no. Don't get
distracted, darling.

No, no. Don't get
distracted, darling.

You leave Jackie out of it.

Of course.

Of course.

How many you had?Four.
You need to catch up.

Four martinis, please.

I hope seeing Sidney isn't
the extent of your plan.

I hope seeing Sidney isn't
the extent of your plan.

How the hell are we going
to pay Irina back?

Any ideas, mate?

Any ideas, mate?

I can always get in on some games.

Are you insane?What?

My wife has a gambling problem.

My wife has a gambling problem.

The problem is,
she's no bloody good.

And tell me one thing, my sweet.
Hmm?

Why does she hate you so much?

And it's not solely
because of the cash.

There's some other reason.

I want to know what it is.
Oh, you do, do you?Yes, I do.

Let's say she had
a little crush on me.

Let's say she had
a little crush on me.

Do you mind? This happens to be
a private conversation.

And when was this?Oh, years ago.

You didn't know me then.

I was in Monte Carlo
doing some charity work.

I was in Monte Carlo
doing some charity work.

Charity work in Monte?

Do you want to hear
this story or not?

Carry on.

I was raising funds on behalf of
a large charitable organisation.

Irina was engaged
in a similar activity

and we decided
to fundraise together.

We made a good team and we worked
together tirelessly,

We made a good team and we worked
together tirelessly,

day and night, actually,

raising money for the orphans.

We persuaded people to make some
very generous donations but sadly,

We persuaded people to make some
very generous donations but sadly,

she was rather difficult
to work with.

After Monte Carlo, I didn't plan
on seeing her again and I didn't.

Until Istanbul.

I had no idea she'd be there.

I had no idea she'd be there.

I was taken completely by surprise.

Well, you didn't seem too upset
to see her,

Well, you didn't seem too upset
to see her,

not from where I was sitting.

I had no clue
they were setting you up.

Oi!

Oi!

I went to jail for three months.

OI!

You utter tart!

You utter tart!

She's not after you solely
for the cash.

She's pursuing you
with romantic intent.

She's pursuing you
with romantic intent.

I don't know. It's possible.

What's the difference, anyway?

Well, I'll tell you, my sweet.

It's called taking one
for the team, remember?

It's called taking one
for the team, remember?

Well, it's your turn now.No.

It's not possible.

It's not possible.

And why not?I couldn't guarantee
your safety.

She can't bear that I married you.

She wants you dead.Eh?

She wants you dead.Eh?

That's why we've got
to pay her back.

Stay the fuck away from her.

40 fucking grand ain't going
to get us far, is it?

40 fucking grand ain't going
to get us far, is it?

It's a start.
It's a drop in the ocean.

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, yes, of course.

What?Yes, yes, yes, yes.

What, what, what?Time to visit
that bitch you married.

You do realise I still owe her

for bailing me out of that jail
you landed me in,

not to mention the ten grand
I borrowed last time I saw her.

not to mention the ten grand
I borrowed last time I saw her.

She won't remember that.

I mean, this time it could be
an emergency.

You could need a new kidney.
How much do those go for?

You could need a new kidney.
How much do those go for?

Maybe it's heart surgery
or a brain tumour.

Well, she is the whore of Basildon.

Well, she is the whore of Basildon.

Jackie fucking Harlow.

When I married her,
she was Tiffany Wheeler from Essex -

actress, stroke chatroom whore.

actress, stroke chatroom whore.

You were an idiot to marry her in
the place.Well, I was off my tits.

It was the longest three days
of my life.

It was the longest three days
of my life.

Eventually, she abandoned me
in some nightmare

called Tenerife.

Darling, I'm going
to get my nails done.

Darling, I'm going
to get my nails done.

Is that the husband?

Fucking film director.

Successful?Very.

Hans, there's dog poo everywhere

and I don't want the gardener to
have to clean it up. Can you do it?

One, two...

..three.Oh, dear. Bless.

We need to call her,
arrange a meeting, lunch, dinner,

We need to call her,
arrange a meeting, lunch, dinner,

get us invited to the house.

Us? Don't you mean me?

She fucking hates you.
What? She's never even met me.

She fucking hates you.
What? She's never even met me.

Fine, you call her.

Well, last time I called her,
she threatened to phone the police.

All right, all right.

Maybe it's better if we bump
into her casually.

Fuck!

Fuck!

White bubble. White bubble.

White bubble. White...

White bubble. White...

Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it!

Fuck it, why don't you watch
where you're fucking going?

Fuck it, why don't you watch
where you're fucking going?

You...Hi, Jacks.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Peter!

Peter!

Peter! Oh, my God!

I've missed you.Sorry about that.
Oh, don't worry about that.

That's just a scratch.

That's just a scratch.

My God, what are the odds?

I know, right?I mean, it must be
fate or destiny or...

Something like that, yes.
Oh, yeah, sorry. Come by.

Something like that, yes.
Oh, yeah, sorry. Come by.

We had a wreck.

So what are you doing in LA?

Oh, you know.
Hiding out from gangsters and that.

Are you alone?Oh, yes.
Quite alone, yeah.

Are you alone?Oh, yes.
Quite alone, yeah.

Where's that crook you married?

Oh, you mean Harry?
Well, we're, you know...

She's left you again?

She's left you again?

Well, thank God for that.

Let's hope it's for good this time.
Now, listen. Peter...

..you should come
by the house tomorrow.

..you should come
by the house tomorrow.

You and I really need to talk.

Oh... Huh.

Oh. Yes.

It's new. Do you like it?

It's new. Do you like it?

It's, erm...

It's beautiful, Tiffany.

Gabriel bought it for me.Ah.

Gabriel bought it for me.Ah.

Atonement for his sins.

He must have been very bad.

Yes, he was.

Yes, he was.

He was very, very bad.

Oh.

It's just a ring.
Didn't need it.Wouldn't miss it.

Doesn't even seem to like it.Mm.

Doesn't even seem to like it.Mm.

How much do think it's worth?
A small fortune, I should imagine.

Certainly enough to pay off Irina.

You deserve this, darling.

You deserve this, darling.

I do?Alimony.

Compensation
for being married to her.

Huh. That's true.Yeah.True.It is.

Huh. That's true.Yeah.True.It is.

Too bloody right.

Hello, there. I'm Sandy.

I'll be taking care of you guys
this evening.

How are you doing?Well,
a few seconds ago I was fine,

How are you doing?Well,
a few seconds ago I was fine,

but now I'm feeling
rather depressed.

That's awesome.
So our philosophy is this -

we're a four-on-a-table restaurant,

it's all small plates
and we like to share.

it's all small plates
and we like to share.

Well, we don't, so two very dry
vodka martinis with a twist, please.

God, I love you.

You're a bloody genius, you are.

Here's to you, my little thief.

Here's to you, my little thief.

Oi, Sandy!

Sandy!

Where's our fucking martinis?

Now, when you're in the house,
make an excuse to leave her.

Do a little reconnaissance.

Do a little reconnaissance.

Figure out where the bedrooms are,
find the exits, that sort of thing.

Right. Right, so get in there, get
the ring, get the fuck out of here,

Right. Right, so get in there, get
the ring, get the fuck out of here,

pay Irina back and Bob's
your uncle, yeah?

Got it.Good.

Well, give us a kiss for good luck.

You don't need luck. I have
complete confidence in you.

Now, don't fuck it up.

Right.

Looking for Jackie.

Oi!
VOICE ECHOES

Oi!
VOICE ECHOES

Jackie!

Jackie! Oi!

HE WHISTLES

HEY!

This is my safe room!

This is my SAFE room!

Out!

Out!

Out! Out! Out!

MUFFLED:Out! Out! Out!

Fuck me, it's Gina.
Surprise, surprise.

Fuck me, it's Gina.
Surprise, surprise.

Look who's back. Let me guess?

Broke, no credit,
bailiffs at the door?

Abandoned by your criminal wife
in some foreign jail?

Abandoned by your criminal wife
in some foreign jail?

Stop me when I'm getting warm.

Unstable, medication's not working?

Unstable, medication's not working?

Mine is. Now.

Where's Jackie?You're looking for
Jackie? Are you looking for Jackie?

Where's Jackie?You're looking for
Jackie? Are you looking for Jackie?

You following crumbs, crumpet?

Where's Jackie?

Where's Jackie? Jackie?

Where's Jackie? Jackie?

Jackie! Jackie!

JACKIE!

She's downstairs.

She's downstairs.

Oh, right.

Peter Fox?

Peter Fox?

Very nice. Very nice indeed.

Who are you?I'm Jackie's assistant.
I'm Hans.

I will fuck you.

I will fuck you.

I seriously fucking doubt it, mate.
Ja, ja, ja - it will happen.

Nein, nein. You won't, mate.
Ja, ja - it will, I said.Nein.

Well, we can't have the fireworks
on the front lawn,

because we can't have everyone
trudge across the grass to see them.

What about their shoes?Yeah, but
we talked...Don't contradict me.

What about their shoes?Yeah, but
we talked...Don't contradict me.

I don't think you quite understand
what's going on here

and I do slightly feel I'm going
to have to do it all myself.Oi, oi.

Peter Fox.

There you are. You came.

I brought you here today because
I wanted to tell you something.

Can we be quiet, please, everybody?

Ssh! Thank you.

I've decided to forgive you.

For everything.

Oh. Right.

Jolly good.

Jolly good.

Gurmukh wants me to forgive
everybody who's wronged me.

So you're forgiven. This way.

The fuck's a Gurmukh?

See, I want to hear everything.

How have you been
and what are you doing in LA?

How long are you here for
and why haven't you called?

Om.Ah, yes, om. Thank you, Gurmukh.

Gurmukh could help you,
too, possibly.

See I'm throwing a costume ball
for Gabriel's movie

See I'm throwing a costume ball
for Gabriel's movie

which you must come to.

Ja, Gabriel has been nominated

for an actual award
for Le Noir And Le Rouge.

Who gives a fuck?

Who gives a fuck?

I need a drink.
They're right over there.

Nothing for me, thanks.
I'm on a juice cleanse.

Go on.Bollocks.

GABRIEL:God is a communist.

I'm not a communist.

I'm not a communist.

Although some people might say
I am a god.

HE LAUGHS

HE LAUGHS

CONTINUES LAUGHING

Oh, this is that ring
that I was telling you about.

Oh, this is that ring
that I was telling you about.

This cost many millions of dollars.
I got it at...

How many millions exactly?

5.675.

5.675.

Oh.We can see the way...
Darling? Peter's here.

Say hello to Peter.

SHE GASPS

WHISPERING:He came
into the safe room.

He was looking for me.

How much is this guy going
to cost me this time?

Darling, Gurmukh wants us
to be nice.

Darling, Gurmukh wants us
to be nice.

He wants us to forgive.

Remember?

GINA:I know it doesn't look like
we're working right now,

GINA:I know it doesn't look like
we're working right now,

but we are working right now.

And you are needed on set.

I can't be late for set.

You mean you can't be late
for Vivian.

Vivian, Vivian, Vivian.

Vivian, Vivian, Vivian.

And that...is how you make
a bullshot.

Thank you very much.

Two more, please.

The problem with attending a party
is that we have to attend a party.

The problem with attending a party
is that we have to attend a party.

Her friends are going to be
horrible.

You still haven't told me
how you expect to get away with it.

You could switch it.

You could switch it.

Switch it?

Switch the real ring
with the fake one.

You just need to spike her drink.

You just need to spike her drink.

Is that the best you've got, is it?

Knock her out and nick it?
You think it could work?It has to.

Without that ring, we're fucked
400,000 times and I promise you,

Without that ring, we're fucked
400,000 times and I promise you,

we will bleed.

SPEAKS HIS OWN LANGUAGE

SPEAKS HIS OWN LANGUAGE

SPEAKS THE SAME LANGUAGE

Can't get a decent cup of tea
in this country.

Never mind tea. I need a drink.

Where the fuck is that old bitch?

She said it was ready.
She did, didn't she?

She said it was ready.
She did, didn't she?

TOILET FLUSHES

Xiexie, Wendy.

Not enough! More!

Oi! You're welcome.

That was a bit previous, wasn't it?
That's the last of our cash.

That was a bit previous, wasn't it?
That's the last of our cash.

We've got to do it tonight at the
party.

Go on.What the fuck
am I going to wear?

We spike Jackie's drink.Yes.

We spike Jackie's drink.Yes.

We do the switch.Yes.

An hour later, we're on the plane.

Yes. No, wait. Jackie does not
react at all well to drugs.

Yes. No, wait. Jackie does not
react at all well to drugs.

They do not agree with her at all.
I can imagine.No, no.

You can't imagine. She's banned
for life from British Airways.

You can't imagine. She's banned
for life from British Airways.

She's not even allowed in Canada.

She's not be underestimated.

I can handle her.

Perfect.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

Congratulations on your nomination.
I hear you're the frontrunner.

I'm so glad you're here.Fuck me.
I can't.Why not? I want you.

I'm so glad you're here.Fuck me.
I can't.Why not? I want you.

Because Jackie's right inside.
Fuck that fat canary.

Yeah, but there's photographers
everywhere.

Hey!

Hey!

This is a private party, man.

I was hired.

Hans...

Hans...

..take care of this.Yes, sir.

I took Singapore Airlines
first class from London.

Much better than Virgin.

I took Air France first
and they had a chef.

I took Air France first
and they had a chef.

Well, I got a massage on Virgin.

It still doesn't compare
to Singapore.

It still doesn't compare
to Singapore.

Those terrorists,
they've ruined everything.

I've never seen so many ugly people
in my life.

Have any of these people even seen
a fashion magazine before?

Have any of these people even seen
a fashion magazine before?

Mentally, I'm giving everyone
a makeover.

Look at that bitch Jackie.

Look at that bitch Jackie.

She's a revolting slut.

Never mind a stylist,
she needs a psychiatrist.

THEY LAUGH

THEY LAUGH

They're saying that my films
are completely self-referential.

Because you are a genius.

And you're the finest actress
of your generation.

And you're the finest actress
of your generation.

I know.So excited you guys
are making a movie together.

How did the shoot go today?

How did the shoot go today?

It was a very typical scene,
but...I was magnificent.

You were magnificent.

Leave.

Leave.

Dropped.Bitch.

PETER:These fucking people.

PETER:These fucking people.

Makes me want to go on
a three-day smack binge

in a brothel in Bangladesh.

Darling, you're just too
old-fashioned, that's your problem.

I'm a fucking dying breed, I am.

I'm a fucking dying breed, I am.

Here, give this to Jackie.

When?Now.All right.

Here you are.

Well, drink it.
No, I'm not drinking. Just sniffing.

Look at them. You know there are
rumours about them all over town.

Who?My husband
and that bad actress.

Who?My husband
and that bad actress.

Look at her. She's such a slag.

UGH! Two can play that game.

Going.

She's going to pass out
in just a second.

I wouldn't count on it.
I don't know, but...

..I am on fire tonight.

..I am on fire tonight.

You are on fire tonight.
I'm like a tornado.

You're like a tornado.

I am like the fourth of July.

I am like the fourth of July.

You're like the fourth of July.

I'm so sexy tonight.

You are so sexy tonight.

And I have such
beautiful hair tonight.

You have such
beautiful hair tonight.

Come with me.

Ah!

Oh!

SHE SIGHS ECSTATICALLY

You're so sexy to me right now.

For fuck's sake!Why are married men
so attractive to me?

They're fucking not.
Make love to me.Fuck off!

They're fucking not.
Make love to me.Fuck off!

Please?

Fuck...Argh!

Where is everybody?

Where is everybody?

HANS:We've had this date
from the beginning.

Just close your eyes
and pretend I'm Jackie.

Fuck's sake!

JACKIE:Whoo!

Are we having a good time?

She's bound to pass out soon.

I wouldn't count on it.

Oh, Peter!

Oh, Peter!

Oh, Peter!

SHE SCREAMS

GIGGLING

Peter!

Peter!

JACKIE HUMMING AND SINGING

Oh! Ha-ha! I like it.

Steady on, girl!

Oh!Thank fuck for that.

We have to be quick.Aye-aye.

GIGGLING

Come on.

Oh, God. Right.

Oh, God. Right.

It's stuck.Pull harder.You do it.

You got a knife?

You got a knife?

Ooh!

No. Vivian. Vivian, no.

Fuck me.

Fuck me.

You haven't fucked me in days.

I can't!

I made a promise I'd stay
faithful to Jackie.

Jackie! Don't be a pussy.

Jackie! Don't be a pussy.

Fuck me here.

Fuck me now.

This isn't the right time.

Fuck me!

JACKIE GIGGLING

JACKIE GIGGLING

UNDER BREATH:Fuck me!

GLASS SMASHING

GLASS SMASHING

Not now, Kim Kim.
I've got a Xanax in my throat.

Not now, Kim Kim.
I've got a Xanax in my throat.

I heard something. Downstairs.

Hello, Sidney.My dear Irina.

I do have a doorbell, you know.

One might almost suspect
that you didn't trust me.

One might almost suspect
that you didn't trust me.

Why didn't you tell me
which flight you were on?

I could have sent Kim Kim here
to come and collect you.

Did you have a good crossing?

Did you have a good crossing?

Where is Harry?All in good time.

That information comes at a price.

HE CHUCKLES

Very nice. You came prepared.

I will not ask again.

I will not ask again.

Well, if you mean her exact
geographical whereabouts,

I haven't been able
to ascertain precisely...

I haven't been able
to ascertain precisely...

SHE LAUGHS

You lost her?It's not my fault.

You lost her?It's not my fault.

I set Kim Kim here on the task of...

Vlad, kill him.No, no, no, no, no.

Please.

Irina, my dear.

Irina, my dear.

Oh, still, so impatient.

If you'd just let me finish.

I have been luring her
with the promise of job.

Hmm?

So...if we can just calm down,

So...if we can just calm down,

then perhaps get
a good night's sleep

and tomorrow we can drive
all round town

and discover which hotel
she's staying at.

and discover which hotel
she's staying at.

I promise you we'll find her.

OK.

Good.

If not...

I will slit you open like the pig
you are.

I will slit you open like the pig
you are.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Oh, you are wonderful.

SNORTING

Oh, fuck.

The charm of this little escapade
is rapidly wearing thin.

The charm of this little escapade
is rapidly wearing thin.

Why don't we just leave?

And go where?I don't know.

This is a fucking fiasco.

This is a fucking fiasco.

What's the matter with you? Huh?

You need a joint. We need a joint.

You need a joint. We need a joint.

You said we're not going to do
this sort of thing any more.

What sort of thing?

This sort of thing.

We've no choice.Oh, don't WE?

It wasn't me that lost hundreds
of thousands of pounds.

It's not my ex-girlfriend
stalking us.

It's not my ex-girlfriend
stalking us.

It's not my fault.No, never is.

You reap what you sow, darling,
and you've sown fuck all.

You reap what you sow, darling,
and you've sown fuck all.

Ah, well. Good night.

And fuck off to you.

Ahem.

Fucking hell. How'd you get in here?
I snuck in with the chambermaid.

Fucking hell. How'd you get in here?
I snuck in with the chambermaid.

We need to talk. Can you get up?

Here you are.

What is it?It's breakfast.

Oh, God, Peter... That's
disgusting.

That is fucking disgusting.
Did you see them?

Who?Gabriel and Vivian.

I woke up this morning
and I found this in my bed.

It's hers. He's fucking her
and he's fucking her in my bed.

It's hers. He's fucking her
and he's fucking her in my bed.

No, I don't think so, mate.

No.

Pete, baby.

Please come back to the house,

because he's threatened by you and
he knows that you never got over me.

because he's threatened by you and
he knows that you never got over me.

And I could tell by the way
that you looked at me last night

And I could tell by the way
that you looked at me last night

that you still want me.

So...

..you can have me.

No, thanks.

Listen, fuck it, Peter. I need you
to come back to the house.

I need you to come and stay, OK?
I really need you.

I need you to come and stay, OK?
I really need you.

Actually, Tiffany...

Tiffany.I can think of no-one else
I'd rather be in the company of...

Tiffany.I can think of no-one else
I'd rather be in the company of...

OK.

..right now.OK.I need laughs,
you know,

..right now.OK.I need laughs,
you know,

with people who understand me.

Come on.And I need
to fucking relax!

SIDNEY:So I think we should start
at the Four Seasons

SIDNEY:So I think we should start
at the Four Seasons

and work our way down.
It shouldn't take too long.

There's only a handful of
habitable hotels in this town.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me. Oh! Cedric,
how nice to hear from you.

How are you? Have you healed up?

Good. So... Really?

Good. So... Really?

Oh, really?

Oh, now, that's very interesting.

That's very interesting indeed.
Thank you, Cedric. I owe you.

That's very interesting indeed.
Thank you, Cedric. I owe you.

Bingo. The Chateau Marmont, Kim Kim.

Shouldn't be too long
and you'll be with her.

Let's get started.

DOORBELL

DOORBELL

Just be a moment.

KNOCKING

Good afternoon, madam.

May have a word about
some of the charges

you've been placing on the room?

I'm afraid we're going to need
some form of payment very soon.

I'll be right down with my card.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Watch the exit.Naturally.

LOUD KNOCKING

He's a stubborn little shit.
So sorry.

LOUD KNOCKING

Hello, sweetheart.
Buy in is five grand.

Hello, sweetheart.
Buy in is five grand.

Where did she go?Who?

Who do you fucking think?

Well, if all this goes to plan
and I intend that it should,

I'm going to take you to Disneyland!

Really?Yes. I think you'll have
a wonderful time.

Really?Yes. I think you'll have
a wonderful time.

GINA:I said make it happen
and you didn't!

GINA:I said make it happen
and you didn't!

You didn't make it happen.

I've been working so hard for you.

I've been working so hard for you.

I'm so tired.

I'm exhausted from all this.

Gina...I'm not stable.

Gina...I'm not stable.

I'm not stable.

I want to douse myself
in lighter fluid.

I want to douse myself
in lighter fluid.

Gina, now is not
the right time for this.

What am I to you?

You make love to her
and then you make love to me.

You make love to her
and then you make love to me.

I...have sex with you.

I have sex with her.

I'm making a film.
You are my assistant.

I'm making a film.
You are my assistant.

I don't care.

Make love to me. On the bar.

Make love to me. On the bar.

Like we used to.

JACKIE:Gabriel!

We need to talk about last night.

What was Vivian's slutty
whore mask doing in our bed?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Oh, you've forgotten
about this, have you?

Oh, you've forgotten
about this, have you?

You've forgotten about the $5
million ring

and everything you said.

Well, what about if I just throw it
in the toilet?

Shall I just throw the ring
in the toilet?

Shall I just throw the ring
in the toilet?

Should I? Should I
just throw it away?

Fuck the ring!
I don't have time for this.

I am an important person.

I have important decisions I have to
make every single day because

I'm making a film.
I'm making a film.

I am making a film.

I am making a film.

Boring.

I'm going to go to set.
Not with Conchita, you're not.

Give me the dog.No.

Give me the dog.No.

Give me the dog!
The dog whisperer's coming today.

Let go. Let the fuck go.

Aah, for fuck's sake.

Aah, for fuck's sake.

I need a drink.

GLASS SMASHES

Where's the vodka?

You can't be here.

Irina's here, in LA.

Eh?Ah!

JACKIE:Juanita?

JACKIE:Juanita?

Juanita. Oh, hi!

Did I miss the dog whisperer?
Is he here?Who?

Oh, voice mail. Gina, it's me and
the dog whisperer didn't show up.

Can you please call?
Oh, there you are.

Oh, you're here. How funny.
I thought you'd be a man.

Oh, you're here. How funny.
I thought you'd be a man.

No, I'm not a man.

How's your Spanish?
All right, I suppose.

How's your Spanish?
All right, I suppose.

Well, I hope it's good enough
for you to communicate with her.

With her?Well, I don't know
how good her English is.

You know, we had her flown in.

You know, we had her flown in.

WHISPERS:She's Mexican.

Oh, I see.

Which I suppose might be part
of the problem, you know,

that she doesn't understand me.

that she doesn't understand me.

How'd you do it?
Communicate, I mean, with them?

What is it exactly you want me
to say to her?

Tell her I clean up after
her morning, noon, and night

Tell her I clean up after
her morning, noon, and night

and I want some respect.

I mean, she's lazy,
she's disagreeable, she's spoiled.

I'm sick of her pissing and shitting
all over the place.

DOORBELL
That's the door, Peter.

DOORBELL
That's the door, Peter.

What?Dog whisperer.

Already got one, mate.

Already got one, mate.

Hola, senora.

SPEAKING SPANISH

SPEAKING SPANISH

INAUDIBLE

SPEAKS SPANISH ANGRILY

Here she is.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Peter, you won't believe
what Juanita just did.

That was incredible. Thank God that
the dog whisperer was here

That was incredible. Thank God that
the dog whisperer was here

as a witness!

I prefer pet communicator.

I prefer pet communicator.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Buenos dias.

Buenos dias.

DOG WHINES

SPEAKING SPANISH

Well, what's she saying?

I'm sorry,
she has a lot of resentments.

It's hard to keep track.

Well, tell her that I have
a few complaints of my own.

Well, tell her that I have
a few complaints of my own.

Firstly...Si.

Si. Si.

Si, si...

She says she's disappointed.

She says she's disappointed.

This is not what
she was led to expect.

Well, that's quite
ungrateful of her.

I mean, does she have any idea
how privileged she actually is

I mean, does she have any idea
how privileged she actually is

and to be adopted by a celebrity?

She says she's never heard of you.

That little bitch.

And I suppose she's never
heard of Gabriel either?

And I suppose she's never
heard of Gabriel either?

She doesn't think
he's very talented.

Rather mediocre, in fact.

Rather mediocre, in fact.

Ha!Peter, shut the fuck up.

She's saying you got off
on the same wrong foot.

She thinks you're depressed.

She thinks you're depressed.

She says she sees you crying
sometimes

and it makes her very, very sad.

and it makes her very, very sad.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I mean, I had no idea
that she was so insightful.

I mean, I had no idea
that she was so insightful.

She's trying to tell me something.

Something about some
new piece of jewellery.

Something about some
new piece of jewellery.

No, no, no. It must be my ring.

It's my ring. It's my ring.
Does she like it?

She's saying that...

That she's jealous of the ring.

She's saying that you wear it
too much

and I think she'd like to borrow it.

and I think she'd like to borrow it.

What do you take me for?

Dogs don't wear rings.
I'm not an idiot.

Do you know what I think?

I think that she's having you on.

She's a little minx.

Do you promise me you'll stay?
It's how I work.

Do you promise me you'll stay?
It's how I work.

I move in...

..get to know the dog,
work with the family.

..get to know the dog,
work with the family.

It's a holistic thing.

A whole lot of healing.

Who the hell are you?

What do mean? It's the dog
whisperer.Pet communicator.

What do mean? It's the dog
whisperer.Pet communicator.

When I called and made
the appointment,

the person on the other end
of the line was a man.

I had a hangover.
SLURRING:Literally a man.

I had a hangover.
SLURRING:Literally a man.

Conchita warned me about her.

She doesn't like the
way she touches her.

She touches her?Yes.
I only touch her with feeling.

She touches her?Yes.
I only touch her with feeling.

Chita, walkies.
I don't think so, you weirdo.

There's been quite enough
of that already.

There's been quite enough
of that already.

Chita's my twin.

We have a connection.

No-one understands.

No-one understands.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Oh, I'd better get a new glass.

Hi!It's Vivian.

Hi!It's Vivian.

I can't really talk right now.

It's not a very good time.
Vivian.Oh.

Vivian.Right.

Don't get up.

Now, Peter. I'm so glad you're here
and I really do want you to stay

Now, Peter. I'm so glad you're here
and I really do want you to stay

as long as you like, because
now that bitch wife has left you,

I really feel it's my duty
to take care of you.

I really feel it's my duty
to take care of you.

Well, thank you, Jackie.

She's always let me down.I know,
and you're better off without her.

I did beg you not to marry her.
If only I'd listened.

I did beg you not to marry her.
If only I'd listened.

Horrendous woman.I hate her.

You've never met her.I don't have
to meet her to hate her.

You've never met her.I don't have
to meet her to hate her.

Oh, right, yeah.

Yeah, I hate her too.

I loathe her!Yes, because
she fleeced you for all you had.

I loathe her!Yes, because
she fleeced you for all you had.

I mean, she treated you shamefully.

You see, they met in rehab.

I mean, what kind of person
does one meet in rehab?

I mean, what kind of person
does one meet in rehab?

Hm. Maybe it wasn't her fault.

Maybe it was a court order.

Yeah. I suppose I wouldn't be
surprised - I mean,

we know nothing about her, do we?

we know nothing about her, do we?

We don't know about her family
or anything. She's...

Well, she's probably trash.

And you know, don't forget that time
she abandoned you

for all those months on end,
left you to fend for yourself.

for all those months on end,
left you to fend for yourself.

I mean, God knows what she got
up to. She's such a slag.

I mean, when I think of all
the things that she did to you.

I mean, when I think of all
the things that she did to you.

Everybody makes mistakes,
don't they?

No, don't defend her.
He went to jail because of her.

I had to bail him out.
GABRIEL:I had to bail him out.

I had to bail him out.
GABRIEL:I had to bail him out.

Vivian, I can't talk right now.

Vivian, I can't talk right now.

Are you with her?No.Are you
fucking her?No.

You stupid bastard.

You stupid bastard.

You said you loved me.

You don't love me!

HE SIGHS
Vivian, I... No.

I want you.

I want you to fuck me.

No!

I can't talk right now.

I can't talk right now.

You coward. It's the
fucking awards tomorrow.

Why don't I just go on stage

and I tell the whole world
that you're fucking me?

and I tell the whole world
that you're fucking me?

Tomorrow...

..after the awards, I'll talk to you

..after the awards, I'll talk to you

and we'll clear everything up
about Jackie and what to do.

and we'll clear everything up
about Jackie and what to do.

I am going to cut off
your little balls

and I'm going to feed them to you.

I've got to... I've got to go. Bye.

You're not going to sound
like a victim any more!

You're not going to sound
like a victim any more!

Piece of shit.

If I met her, I'd spit in her face.

Oh, would you?Yeah, I would.
Really?

Astonishing.Ah.

Well...

Well...

You look very...

Hmm...

I'm a film-maker. Have you acted?

I'm a film-maker. Have you acted?

For God's sake, Gabriel.

She's the dog whisperer.

I told you.Pet communicator.

I told you.Pet communicator.

Oh... Conchita's pissing
on my chair.

What do you think she wants?

Oh, she said you have
a bad attitude.

Oh, she said you have
a bad attitude.

You talk to the dog.

Hi!GINA:Hi!

Did you see my movie?

I love your movie.

Mediocre?

Are you my enemy?

No!

No!

No, I'm your lover.

I love you.

Mediocre.No, no!

Mediocre.

Right, well, you take her, then.

Right, well, you take her, then.

I have to say I'm not particularly
impressed by your skills.

She is worse than ever. Now, where's
fucking Juanita with the food?

She is worse than ever. Now, where's
fucking Juanita with the food?

GOAT BLEATS

SPEAKS SPANISH

That cunt is really starting
to piss me off.

We need to sort this right now.

Let's go speak to Sidney.

CONCHITA BARKS

CONCHITA BARKS

No luck, I'm afraid.

No luck, I'm afraid.

She's...around.

She's...around.

Well, that was the last
of the 5-star hotels.

I really can't see her slumming it
in some squalid motel, can you?

I really can't see her slumming it
in some squalid motel, can you?

She is, if nothing else, a lady.

Take me somewhere.
I want to get fucked up.

Dry martini with a twist.

Mmm... Thank you, Kim Kim.

Oh, you are good puppy.

Evening.Harry!

Evening.Harry!

Oh, my word.
How wonderful to see you.

Been looking everywhere for you.
Really?Tea?

Tea, you'll have some tea.

Tea, you'll have some tea.

Kim Kim, fetch some tea
for the lady.

Oh, and Kim Kim,
we aren't to be disturbed.

Sidney, darling...Hmm?

Sidney, darling...Hmm?

..something's come up.
Something quite large.

I was hoping you might be
of some assistance.

Intriguing.

Have some.

Fresh from the battlefields
of Afghanistan.

VOICE DISTORTED: Oh, dear.

Let me be mother.

I don't mind if I do.

Now...

Now...

Oh, that's plenty.Oh, no!

Not quite.

Now, don't be wasteful.

Ooh, steady on, my dear.

Come on!

Come on!

You know what I love
about you, darling?

You're a girl who knows
how to have a good...

How...

How...

Oh!

You stole from me
and then you leave me?

I was just on my way
to pay you back.

I was just on my way
to pay you back.

Via Los Angeles.
I got a little sidetracked.

You're good at so many things,
Harry, but not lying.

You're good at so many things,
Harry, but not lying.

It was all Peter's fault.

Yes, he blew all your cash
and made me run away.

But I knew you'd come for me.

God, I've missed you.

Where is the money, Harry?

Where is the money, Harry?

Well, I'm working on it.

That's why I'm here.

That's why I'm here.

So you don't have it.

I love you, Harry.

But now I'm going to fuck you up.

There's a ring, a beautiful one.

There's a ring, a beautiful one.

Worth millions of pounds.

And I'm going to nick it for you.
You're lying.No!

It's for us.

It's for us.

Think about it.

Me, you and millions of pounds!

Me, you and millions of pounds!

And what about
the idiot you married?

And what about
the idiot you married?

Oh, Peter!
Oh, forget him. Sidney can have him.

THEY LAUGH

You really are a cold-hearted bitch,
aren't you?

You really are a cold-hearted bitch,
aren't you?

Now...come on, love.

Pour us a drink and let's talk.

Pour us a drink and let's talk.

I must have nodded off.

What happened?It's all worked out.

What happened?It's all worked out.

I handled it expertly.

In what sense?

We're getting married!

We're getting married!

Gabriel is leaving Jackie.

We're getting married.

What, you and Jackie?
Me and Gabriel.Oh, I see.

What, you and Jackie?
Me and Gabriel.Oh, I see.

We're going to take
the ring tonight.Eh?

Sidney's going to stage a break in.

Sidney's going to stage a break in.

Well, Sidney's a fucking snake.

He's an expert in his field
so I suggest you shut the fuck up.

Oh, well, you're insane.

Next time I see you,
you'll be in jail.

Next time I see you,
you'll be in jail.

Are you going somewhere?
Oh, yes, I am.

APPLAUSE

I'm a wreak. I've never been
so happy in my life.

We have worked so hard for this.

We have worked so hard for this.

So hard!

So hard! We've worked so hard!

So hard.

So hard.

Gabriel?

Gabriel!

What did you take?

I don't know.

But it was very, very, very good.

Oh. Well, you might have saved
some for me, then.

For fuck's sake.

Sidney'll be here soon.

Sidney'll be here soon.

PETER LAUGHS

What are you going to do?

Cut her hand off
and stuff it up his cassock?

You think this'll work?
This won't work.

You think this'll work?
This won't work.

It's never going to work.

We have no choice.

Best director goes to...

Best director goes to...

Best director goes to...

Gabriel Anderson
for Le Rouge Et Le Noir.

GINA SQUEALS

GINA SQUEALS

Yes! Yes.

I wasn't expecting this.
I'm not prepared.

I wasn't expecting this.
I'm not prepared.

This is so much more than me.

I'd like to dedicate
this to my muse...

I'd like to dedicate
this to my muse...

Gina.

..Vivian Prince.

..Vivian Prince.

APPLAUSE

His muse.

His...muse.

His...muse.

His muse. His fucking muse.

ENGLISH ACCENT:FUCKING muse!

Om!Shut the fuck up, Gurmukh.
It don't work.

Fuck off, Hans. Fuck off!

Fuck off, Hans. Fuck off!

Thank you, Jackie.

USUAL ACCENT:I'm moving back
to England.

I mean, you have no idea what I've
been through with Gabriel

I mean, you have no idea what I've
been through with Gabriel

and to be humiliated like that
in front of 500 million people.

Er, Conchita wants you to stay.

Er, Conchita wants you to stay.

She wants you to work things out.

HANS:I have an announcement.

There is something you should
know about this woman who...

There is something you should
know about this woman who...

What's the matter with him?
I don't know.

He seemed upset.

I don't blame him.
What was he saying?

Something about Conchita.

Something about Conchita.

Conchita knows
and that's why she's so upset.

Gabriel has been taking her to set

Gabriel has been taking her to set

and the three of them have been
doing it in his trailer

and in his bed.

Right, I need to talk to her.

Come on. We're going.

What happened? Where am I?

Where is he?

He's a liar.

I'll kill him!

You will die!

Tell Conchita not
to spare my feelings.

Help! Let me out!

Let me out!Oh, my God!

Help, I'm cold!

Let me out!

Let me out!

It's Gina.Oh.

I'm here.Gina, where are you?

I'm in the freezer.
Peter locked me in.

I'm in the freezer.
Peter locked me in.

Peter, is that true?No, no.

He said he loved me.

Peter, you didn't?

I'll kill you.
Oh, Gina, I know you're upset.

I'll kill you.
Oh, Gina, I know you're upset.

It's been a long day for everyone

and we are all very, very tired
and very emotional,

so why don't you go
and make us some hot cocoa?

so why don't you go
and make us some hot cocoa?

Gabriel said that he loved me.

Well, a second ago,
you were in love with Peter.

It's all rather fickle, I must say.

I'm really starting to see
your side of this.Right?

I'm really starting to see
your side of this.Right?

This?

HANS:Halt.

What are you doing here
and who are you?

We're friends of Harry.

We're friends of Harry.

We've come to see her. Is she here?

She is a criminal
and you are intruders.

I'm calling the polizei.

Well, if you're going
to wear shorts like that,

you must expect to be shot,
mustn't you?

you must expect to be shot,
mustn't you?

VIVIAN:You're a genius.I won!

You are the most amazing...I won!

You are the most amazing...I won!

I won!

What's she doing here?I won!

Honey, we need to talk.

Oh, piss off.

I won!Tell her.

Tell her what?

Gabriel and I are in love.

Gabriel and I are in love.

He's leaving you
because we're getting married.

I didn't say I was leaving her.

You said you loved me.He loves me.
He said he loves me!

Argh!

Yes.

Yes.

You bastard.

Fuck you and your fucking ring!

Fuck you and your fucking ring!

Jackie!

SPLASH!

Yes! Bastard.

Where are they?

Who are you?Who the fuck are you?
Who is she?

Who are you?Who the fuck are you?
Who is she?

You're also fucking
a Russian hooker?

Give me the ring. Now.What?

Give it to me or I shoot him.

Give it to me or I shoot him.

Yes, go ahead. Be my guest.

It's not in her possession.

She fucked me.

She fucked me.

Where is Harry and Peter?

Harry and Peter.Harry and Peter?

That's...

That's...

Oh, that...

Oh...

Harry? That's a disaster.

That bitch fucked me again.

Did she? I am happy for you.
You made up.

Did she? I am happy for you.
You made up.

You have to find her.
I think it's a bit late for that.

I will slit your fucking throat
myself.

We have to find her. I suggest
we start in the kitchen.

We have to find her. I suggest
we start in the kitchen.

Lots of hiding places there.

Want a light, mate?

Let me get this straight.

Who's getting fucked over
on this one?

Me or Irina?Darling, I was just
trying to keep her sweet.

Me or Irina?Darling, I was just
trying to keep her sweet.

Oh, well, great work on that one.
Well done, mate.

GUNSHOT
Jesus, fuck!

Where's the ring, Harry?
Irina! Irina!

Irina!

Irina!

Got the ring, just like I promised.

You promised "you, me and millions
of pounds."

You promised "you, me and millions
of pounds."

Peter, Peter.
I really need your help.

Irina...

Just put the gun down now.

And I'll throw you the ring.

And you let us go.

Come on.

ENGINE STARTS

IRINA CRIES OUT

IRINA CRIES OUT

How long do you think we're going to
live on it?Oh, years and years.

One long holiday.

One long holiday.

Where shall we go?

Hm... Switzerland?
No, it's fucking boring.

Morocco.
Oh, you can't go there, remember?

Morocco.
Oh, you can't go there, remember?

Canada?

Honolulu?

Oh, fuck!

What?

What?

It's the fake one.

I gave her the real one.

You stupid fucking tart.

Calm down. I'll get us out of here.

I'm so sorry.Oh, thank you so much.

I'm so sorry.Oh, thank you so much.

Brazil?Brazil?Yeah, bananas.

Well, that was a fun trip.

Well, that was a fun trip.

One long holiday.

What are we going to do now?

I've got an idea.

Oi! Waitress!

Another round.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

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