All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E45.Charlie.and.Lacey.Shack.Up.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track3_[eng]

Oh, I agree.
The top is the best part.

I don't even know why
they make the rest
of the muffin.

'Cause of this.

You need something
to hold the donut.

Okay, I'm gonna make
a professional assessment.

Eating, depression,
not getting laid.

- It's been three months.
- Three months?

I didn't know it was
possible to go that long.

You're like some kind
of a sex camel.

Well, without the humps.

Can't you meet
any girls at work?

It's impossible to meet women
when you're in real estate.

You know who comes
to open houses?

Couples.

You know who doesn't
come to open houses?

Drunk women
with low self-esteem
who can't find their cars.

That question would be
who are my favorite people.

We still going out
tonight or what?

Yes, and Michael
is coming with us.

We got to get
this guy laid.

You think I havethat kind of money on me?

Oh, come on.
He's gone three months
without sex.

Okay, you're not gonnabail on me, though, right?

- Dude, why would I bail?

Sorry, I got to bail.

Come on.
I don't want to hang out
with this guy by myself.

He's eating
muffin sandwiches.
Look at him.

That's not fair.
I'm in pain.

Look, I am sorry,
but I've been trying

to hang out with
this girl for months.

She's only in town
for one night.

What, is she
a flight attendant?

A drifter?

Uh, she's an Oakland
Raiders cheerleader.

So a little of both.

- Hey, guys.
- You're late again.

You guys are on time again.
Should have learned by now.

Charlie, Ed's picking on me.Make him stop.

This genius
went to the DMV

to file
for unemployment.

They're both
government agencies.

They're different things.

One is driving,
the other is money.

Well, shoes and makeup are
two different things, too,

but I can get them both
at Saks.

Why can't everything
be like Saks?

I'm happy there.

I'm in the group,
but the group is not in me.

I'm in the group,
but the group is not in me.

Patrick, when I said to come
up with a relaxing mantra,

I didn't mean to create one
that insulted everyone
simultaneously.

Oh.

Then maybe you need
to be more clear.

Anyway, Lacey,
what happened after you

assumed the government
was a department store?

I went down there
to get my unemployment

and the DMV bitch said
they only do car stuff.

And I said,
"Well, I can't afford
to drive my car

unless I get
my unemployment,
DMV bitch."

Okay, I only have
one question.

Who hit who first?

They're still
looking at the tapes.

But you and I have
to be in court at 5:00.

You have to tell them
that I'm working on my anger.

I can't go to court today.
Can't I just write
them a note?

I already wrote one,
but you misspelled your name,

so they wouldn't accept it.

Charlie, how could you
forget how to spell
your own name?

Son, I've known
Cambodians

with shrapnel
in their heads

who made more sense
when they talked.

I get it, Ed.

You've travelled
and I haven't.

I'm in the group,
but the group is not in me.

- I am in--
- Stop it!

All right, I'll go to court.I don't want you to go to jail.

What?
You didn't tell me
you could go to jail.

Charlie, you have to
get her out of this.

We have a cake tasting
on Monday for our
fake marriage.

The reception, however,
is going to be very real.

This is great.
Maybe if you go with me,

I can get put
under house arrest.

Okay, fine.
But we've got to
make it fast.

I've got to pick up
someone from the airport.

Who is it, some girl
you're trying to bang

before she becomes
too annoying to bang?

Lacey, what kind
of gentleman would I be

if I answered
yes to that?

So...

anybody else got
something to talk about?

Why are we starting?Shouldn't we be waiting

a couple of minutes
until my therapist gets here?

I like to clear my docket
as soon as possible.

Don't worry.
He won't miss any of the fun.

Based on your record,
you're facing two weeks
in jail.

Two weeks?!

I can't go that long
without waxing.

That's what
you're crying about?

If you had seen my mom
in a bikini in the '80s,

you'd be crying, too.

Can't you just put me
under house arrest?

What, and sentence you
to a party at your house?

- Forget it.
- I wasn't talking
about my house.

I was talking about...
my therapist's house.

If I went there,
it would be like a giant
therapy session,

which is like
punishment.

And he agreed to this?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We talked about it a lot.

He was like,
"Let's do this."

And I was like,
"Are you sure?"

And he was like,
"Yeah, totally."

Wow, you got in early.

Yeah, just wait for me
at baggage and I'll be
on my way.

Oh, don't worry
about that.

I got a full box of those
in the drawer.

All right, see you soon.

I'm sorry.
That was a patient.

She needs
contact lens solution.

All right, let's do this.

Mr. Goodson, thank you
for coming in.

Before I decide
on Lacey's case,

I would like to hear
your take on how she's doing.

Oh, yeah,
she's doing great.

She pulled a weave
off a DMV worker.

Yes. Yes.
But before that
and since then,

she's been doing great.

Well, I've determined
that Lacey needs

to have some consequences
for her actions.

I understand you two
discussed house arrest
and you're on board with that?

Absolutely.

You understand
it's for two weeks?

Perfect. Two months
would be fine.

Because he cares.

Okay, then.

Just sign here.

You know, I must say,
it's wonderful to see

a therapist making
a sacrifice like this
for his patient.

Oh, it's okay.
It was on the way
to the airport.

So, you two
are roommates?

Cool.

- Very cool.
- Okay, I'm gonna take this.

What do you ladies
like to do for fun?

Oh, I love hot yoga.

Yesterday they had
the room so hot,

everybody was down
to their underwear.

Every part of my body
felt completely open.

How much is this class?

It's $20.

- And how much to watch?
- Okay. Okay.

What do you like
to do for fun?

I collect stamps.

Like hot stamps?

No, they have to bekept at room temperatureto preserve their value.

I learned that
the hard way.

I'm gonna go use
the little girls' room.

- Oh, I'll go with you.
- Okay.

Don't you guys
go anywhere, okay?

And don't you do that thing
that girls always do

where you say you're
going to the bathroom
and actually leave.

Don't-- don't do that.

Good luck
with the stamp
collector, buddy.

Hey, if she says
anything interesting,

you can mail it
to me tomorrow.

Just so you know,
I'll be taking the hot
yoga chick, okay?

No, I'll be taking
the hot yoga chick.

Oh, really?
And why would you get
the hot yoga chick?

Because we have certain
obvious things in common.

I can't believe
you're calling racial dibs.

- Yup, that's what I'm doing.
- That's very unfair.

Let me tell you
about unfair.

How about 400 years
of oppression

that we are still
feeling the effects of
to this day?

- Huh?

What's a brother got to do
to get another cranberry
flirtini over here?

So wait a minute.

So you don't have
any luggage?

No, I left it all
in the Panda Express
Express.

There were so many
different kinds of chicken,

I lost track
of my bags.

Well, the good news is
I have an extra toothbrush...

- Ooh.
- ...a hairbrush.

And you won't be
needing those clothes.

Damn.

If that's your clothes,
I'm gonna be really
disappointed.

Hi, Charlie.
I'm here.

What the hell is going on?I thought you wereunder house arrest.

I am under house arrest.
At your house.

Wasn't that clear?
Oh, hey, girl.

I hope that ho can cook,
'cause I'm starving.

Does this ankle braceletmake my calves look fat?

- Was this your idea?
- I did what I had to do.

They were gonna strip me down,
put me in an orange jumpsuit,

and feed me to the lesbians.

Charlie, what's going on?

I'm sorry.
This is one of
my patients, Lacey.

And apparently
she's moving in.

I'm super confused.
First all the different
kinds of chicken,

and now this?
It's just been
a crazy day.

Not exactly a rocket
surgeon, is she?

Scientist.

She's a scientist?
No way.

Hey, I'm a scientist
on getting a crowd
on their feet

and into a game.
What are you?

Have you seen this?
I don't have to be anything.

You know what?
I'm gonna call a cab
and get a hotel.

This has just been
too weird.

No, no, no, no.
Kiana, please, wait.

You better open the door
for her, Charlie.

She's gonna walk
right into it.

- Ah.

How glad are you
that that bitch is gone?

Lacey, it took me five
months to get her here.

You got rid of her
in five minutes.

I am that good.

That girl
was really annoying.

It's like she didn't
even want me around.

So let's just
forget about her.

I'll go get a bottle of wineand we can decide whetheror not I should get bangs.

No, no.

You are going to stay
in your room for two weeks

and think about
how your anger has
screwed up your life

and mine and how it's never
going to happen again.

Nah, I'll go get the wine.

This is weird.

I feel like
I'm 16 again,
you know?

Me and my wingman
hooking up with roommates
at their apartment.

At 16 you hooked up
with girls who had
their own apartment?

- I hate you.

Why?
What happened?

You didn't have a good time
with your smoking hot

black yoga chick

who's the same
black color as you,
black guy?

We didn't even have sex.

That's what you get
for calling racial dibs,
my friend.

You know what?
Never again.

According to her,
every single problem I have

can be cured by yoga.

I can tell you
what can't be cured by yoga.

Blue balls.

Who the heck is this?

- Excuse me.
- Shh. Shh.

- Who the hell are you?
- This is funny part.

Did you see that?
There was a bee
in his cupcake.

He's scared.

You know, I did have
a few beers last night.

- Did I order you?
- No, you not Lacey.

Oh, there's another bee.

What the hell is going on?

Good morning, sleepyhead.
I hope you're hungry.

I'm making sangria in here,
poaching eggs in this one.

But don't eat that.
It's wax.

Quan's gonna hook me up.

You don't need a treasure
trail to find the treasure.

Yeah, everybody already
knows where that is.

Lacey, this is
not cool at all.

Why such a grumpy face?

Because I'm supposed
to be on round one of awesome
morning sex with Kiana.

Instead, I've got
a nail salon

and an East Indian
disco breakfast joint.

I bet sangria and eggs
would make it all better.

- Yes?
- No.

Okay, then dance
with the Indian girl.

Put your pants on.
The party's over.

Oh, my God.

I've heard that
a million times,
I've just never said it.

Why are you so mad?

I'm just trying to show
you a little gratitude for
letting me stay here.

Excuse me for being a ray
of freaking sunshine
in the morning.

Patrick, what the hell
are you doing here?

Don't look at my feet.
Don't look at my feet.
Don't look at my feet.

Quan usually comesto our place on Tuesdays.

- Look, there's another bee.

- All: Aw.

And I'm not
letting you stay here.

I'm stuck with you because
of that ankle bracelet.

My only option now
is to push you 31 feet
away from my house

and let the cops
take you down during
your escape attempt.

Could you guys keep it down?

You're bringing a lot of
negative energy into the spa.

Okay, why don't you
go to work

and when you come back,
we'll chill

and watch a movie?
Oh, and pick up some wine

because I dumped
all your good stuff
in the sangria.

No. No.

I think we should
separate for a little bit.

I'm going out tonight
and hopefully not coming
back till tomorrow.

Oh, okay, so banging
another bimbo is gonna
make everything all right?

You better pray
that it does.

And they're not
all bimbos.

Sorry, I have a very
ticklish middle toe.

Also, what you said
is ridiculous.

Here we go.

So where were we?
Human trafficking?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I keep going on and on.

It's just that
I'm very passionate.

Oh, I'm very passionate
about stopping it, too.

Are you just agreeing
with everything I'm saying

so you can get me
into bed?

No.

See?

I don't know.
Look, I think that
you are very cute

and I wouldn't mind
going home with you,

but I think you might
be full of it.

I mean, what have you
actually done to make
a difference?

What have I done?
I'll tell you what I've done.

I rescued a young woman
who's living in my house
right now.

You did?

She's a sweet, kind,
innocent young lady.

She's doing some
housekeeping for me while
I put her through school.

You know, maybe you
haven't done enough
to make a difference.

I think I should
maybe leave.

No, no. Wait.

Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I misjudged you.

Ah, it's okay.

Why don't we continue this
back at your place?

Actually,
I was thinking we could
go back to your place

so I can meet her.

I don't know.
My place is a mess.

She's a terrible
housekeeper.

I can't bring myself
to criticize her.

Come on, Charlie.

Afterwards, we can
go back to my place.

Okay.

I'm really excited
to meet her.

But just know
it'll only be for a minute.

She needs to be in bed
by 10:00 so she can have
a solid eight hours

of horrific nightmares.

Woman on TV:
Twist. Really feel it
in the waistline.

What a tragedy.
He said he had
vanilla fro-yo

and when you wentto get it, he was all out?

Are you gonna be okay?

- Lacey, please,
I need to talk to you.

Okay, take an Ambien.
I've got to go.

Hey.

What are you doing back?
Are you finally ready
to hang out with me?

Yes.

Cool.
What do you want to do?

There is a gorgeous
girl outside.

And the only way
she'll sleep with me

is if you say
you're a sex slave.

What the fro-yo?

I told her that you were
a victim of human trafficking

and that I rescued you.

So all you got to do
is just say good night

in broken English
and go upstairs.

You said you wanted to show
me your gratitude, right?

Okay, fine, I'll do it.

Thank you.

Jamie, come on in.

Jamie, this is Lacey.

Lacey, this is Jamie.

I wanted you to meet
before you went to bed

in the nice soft bed
that you never had
in that cage.

It is such a pleasure
to meet you.

Thanking you for meet me.

I had long, hard life.

I tell you story.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.
No story.

You're very tired.
Night-night.

No. I awake.

I took big nap.

Lacey, there is nothing
more important tonight

than me hearing your story.

I could think
of something.

Oh, hey there.

Got ourselves another
Obama-Biden alert.

All right,
let's do this.

No, hold on.

Remember, no matter
what happens,

you are not allowed
to call racial dibs.

Absolutely.

I'm confident
that I can get the girl

based on the merits
of who I really am.

Don't forget, tonight
I'm a record producer.

Hi, ladies.
I'm Sean.

- This is my friend Michael.
- Ladies.

He's a record producer.

Hi, I'm Janet
and this is my best
friend Janelle.

Hi, boys.

Why don't you sit down
and join us?

Racial dibs.

You said
we couldn't do that.

No, I said
you couldn't do that.

And when I 10,

I work in
furniture factory.

I make sofa.

And when it hot day,

we share glass of water.

Okay, Lacey.

It's been two hours.
I think we've covered it all.

The important thing
is I rescued you,
I'm your hero.

Period, the end.
Time for bed.

Mr. Charlie give me
beautiful bed.

Oh, he is a good man,
isn't he?

I am.
I really am.

Sometime he tuck me in
and hug me.

Isn't that sweet?

Yes, I know, it is.Come on, sweetie.Come on.

Sometime he get
on top of me

and give me hug
we not talk about.

If I say no,

he no give me
food next day.

You are taking advantage
of this girl?

Okay, Jamie,
here's the truth.

Lacey is not a sex slave.

She's my patient
and I'm her therapist.

And she's not allowed
to leave my house.

- Okay, that didn't sound
much better either, did it?
- Wow.

Okay, all right.
You know what?

I don't know what
kind of role-playing,

S&M therapy you guys
have going on,

but you know what?
I'm out of here.

No, no, no, Jamie.
Wait, wait, wait.

Wow.

I can't believeyou want to date a girl

who would sit throughtwo hours of that crap.

Why the hell
did you do that?

Okay, calm down.
Breathe. Use your tools.

Oh, I'm gonna use
my tools to bury your
body in my backyard.

You can't just keep bringinghome these ridiculous women

who aren't right for you.

I've always done that.
Why does it suddenly
matter now?

Because I'm living with youand you haven't even hit on me!

What the fro-yo?!

Lacey, I can't
hit on you.

I'm your therapist.
That would be so wrong.

But that didn't stop
my old boss,

my gynecologist,
or my second cousin.

What if I wasn't
your patient?

It doesn't matter.

Look, we both know
you have issues because
of your father.

And apparently
your old boss,

gynecologist,
and second cousin.

But you've got
to stop trying to make
every man want you.

I don't want
every man to want me.

I want you to want me.

Why?

Because you want
everybody else.

I've seen
the girls you date.

Am I not as hot as them?

Am I stupider than them?

Are you sure you've seen
the girls I date?

Lacey, you're great.

But you need to learn
to get your self-esteem

from something
other than men.

But if I wasn't
your patient

and I was
actually a good person,
would you want me?

Nope.

What if I had
bigger boobs?

Nope.

What if we were stranded
on a ship at sea

with nothing to eat

and I was a delicious
piece of fruit?

Nope.

Wait, wait, wait, no.
I'd need you

so I wouldn't get scurvy,
but I wouldn't want you.

If I was that chick
who just left

that you wanted,
would you want me?

Yes, I guess I would.

Aha! I knew
you wanted me.

God, I'm your patient,
you perv.

God.