All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E28.Charlie.and.the.Cheating.Patient.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track3_[eng]

- Hey, Charlie.
- Charlie.

Hey, Sean.
Glad you're back
at group.

- Thank you.

You guys just did
a bro hug.

That's like
the male version of,

"Oh, my God,
I love your shoes."

Sean, the group
will be here any minute
if you wanna head in.

- I'm gonna miss you, babe.
- Oh.

- I'm gonna
miss you, too, babe.
- Ah, young love.

It's so much cuter
than what's going on
right here.

Sean,
do you wanna
grab this?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'll follow you
with the coffee.

- All right.

- See you later, babe.
- Keep walking, babe.

I finally
get to use
the shower

and Ed has
once again
helped himself

to my milk and honey soap
with oatmeal and shea butter.

Can you blame him?

Sounds delicious.

What makes you think
I'm using your soap?

Your hairs
are all over it.

They can't be Ed hairs.

He doesn't have any--
oh, my God!

I'm at the age where
they're jumping ship.

I can't stop 'em.

You know how they say that

any conversation in therapy
can lead to something good?

Well, they were wrong.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Uh, why is the old man

living with the gay man?

It's a long story,
but the gay man

tricked the old man
into thinking he won
the lottery.

I told Patrick

if Ed thought he was rich,
he'd go crazy and leave
his wife.

You said nothing.

You said
it would be funny.

Oh, yeah.
That's right.

Aren't you guys
supposed to be helping
each other not be angry?

Yeah, what's wrong
with you people?

You're such idiots.

See you all next week.

Did you see what I saw?

Yeah. I noticed it
all throughout session.

A man Ed's age
should wear socks
with his shoes.

Yeah, that could destroy
a relationship, too.

It's been the happiest
11 years of my life

and I can't imagine
not being married to her.

Oh, thanks.
Me, too.

Well, thank you both
very much for coming in.

- Real pleasure.
- Thanks.

- Nice to meet you.
- Bye-bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

It is so nice
to see a couple
that happy.

They'll be divorced
in six months.

What?
How do you know?

I just know.
I felt it the second
I saw them.

That's so unlike you,
you know, to feel something.

It's not a feeling,
it's science.

It's like that
Gladwell book "Blink."

Our subconscious makes
a thousand calculations

and decides things
before we're even
aware of it.

I knew they were doomed
the second they walked in.

Come on.
You don't know what
you're talking about.

Excuse me.
My lovely wife left
her $600 sunglasses here.

Third time this month
and next time,

I make the bitch
pay for them.

"B-link."

Oh, man.

What is it?

I think I "blinked" something
today in group.

The guy Jen's "blinking"
is blinking someone else.

Here's the worst part...

I think he's cheating on her
with Lacey.

You'd think it goes
without saying,

but that's why
you don't have your
ex-wife's new boyfriend

in your therapy group.

Just once,
I'd like something
to actually

"go without saying."

That wouldn't be any fun,
but, of course,

that goes without saying.

- Ed, I bought you some socks.

No more excuses.

- Where are you?
- Ed: In the shower.

Of course.

Nolan,
you don't need
to keep checking in.

I already told you,
Ed and I are never going
to have a party

and forget to invite you.

No, that's not what
I'm calling about this time.

I've been robbed!

Are you serious?
Are you okay?

Yeah, I guess.

They took
just about everything.

I'm pretty shaken up.

Are you hurt?

A little.

They kept saying
my stuff was crap.

Okay, we'll be right over.

- Okay, thanks.
- Bye.

Ed, hurry up.
Nolan's been robbed
and we have to get over there.

- I'm almost done.
- Seriously, what
are you doing?

I'm washing your soap.

It's a damn oxymoron.

This is a pretty racy costume
for a high school musical.

We're doing "Chicago."

We have to stay
authentic to the times
and the story, Mom.

Yeah, right.

Admit it,
you just like
looking hot.

I get it.

I got sent home
by the principal

for wearing a blouse
that was too revealing.

Really?
What grade were you in?

All of 'em.

All right, freeze.

What is she doing wearing
your old wedding dress?

We're doing "Chicago"
and I'm going to be
a chorus girl.

- Mom said it was okay.

- I can't believe this.
- What, that our little girl's
growing up?

No, that I have to go
to a musical.

- Jen, let me
ask you something.
- Hmm.

How did you know
I was cheating?

I walked in on you
in that hotel room
in Atlanta.

And you said she was
a physical therapist,
but I didn't buy it.

Because you had
a gut feeling, right?

Because you had
your penis inside her.

Right. Again,
so sorry about all that.

Well, Jen, I've got
a gut feeling about Sean.

- He's cheating?
- I think so.

Oh, my God.
What did you see?

- Was he kissing someone?
- Well, no, no.

Her shoulder kind of

brushed up
against his shoulder.

And then what happened?

That-- that was about it,

but that--
that was enough.

Damn it.

That lying, cheating
shoulder-brusher.

- You're not taking me
seriously, are you?
- No, I am not.

Charlie, you have had it out
for this guy from day one.

Get out!

I'm only telling you this
because I care about you.

Get out!

Jen, I know cheating.

If it walks like a Charlie
and talks like a Charlie,

it's screwing somebody--

- Who is it?

- Patrick: It's us.
- Prove you're not the robbers.

Ed:
You're an idiot.

Robbers wouldn't know that.

- Thanks for coming, guys.
- Oh, my God.

They really did
take everything.

I'm so sorry, Nolan.

Did you write a list
for the police?

Yeah, right here.

TV, PlayStation...

okay,
where's the rest?

That was it.

You're telling me
that's all they took?

This is how you live?

What about your furniture?
Where'd you sit?

Oh, my God.
They took my milk crate, too.

Well, at least
they didn't take the thing
I care about the most.

Turtle.

Turtle the parakeet?

Turtle's great.
He keeps me company.

Sometimes I feel
like he's the only one
who listens

- without interrupting--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it.

Look, what do you need
from us?

I don't know.

Can you just hang
for a while?

I'm a little nervous
to be here alone.

Sure.

If they come back,
we'll be prepared.

Wow.
Is that real?

Sure, it's real.

Feel how heavy that is.

Ed, what the hell
are you thinking?!

Did you have a gun

in my apartment
this whole time?!

No.
I had three guns.

Look at me,
I'm in a John Woo movie.

Hey, give me that.

Patrick, there is
nothing wrong with guns.

If somebody breaks
into your home,

what are you gonna do,
their hair?

No.

Bang!
Too late,
I shot ya.

- No, I would--
- Bang!

I shot you again.
You're dead.
Stop moving.

So without
any real evidence,

you told Jen
her boyfriend's cheating?

I had the "Blink" instinct.

Oh, that's different.

I read that book
and it's true.

I can walk into a bar
and instantly spot

every single woman

who's not gonna
wanna sleep with me.

So you mean
"every single woman"?

- Sean: Hey, Charlie,

why don't you come
open the door so I can
kick your ass?

- You better get outta here.
I gotta deal with this guy.
- Are you sure?

My "Blink" instinct
tells me this guy wants
to kick your ass.

Don't worry.
He's not gonna hurt me.

He lives off Jen
and Jen lives off me.

If he kills me,
he'll starve to death.

- See ya.
- All right.

Hi. What's going on?

You lying son of a bitch.

You told Jen

that I was cheating on her
and she kicked me out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
She didn't believe me.

So if she kicked you out,
that's from something she
found out on her own.

She found a couple of calls
that I made to Lacey.

I knew it!
The shoulder bump.

I was calling Lacey

because she has
club connections

and that's
my industry, dude.

I'm busting my ass
to try and get a job.

Spinning an excuse

to cover your tracks
and look like a hero.

Cheating technique
number one.

Look, you are talking
to a former professional
cheater.

Really,
what happened?

It got in your way
of your new career as
a full-time douchebag?

Accusing the accuser?

You bore me, son.

Oh, and by the way,

consoling
a newly divorced
friend...

I invented that.

The divorce rate in the '90s
was like a gift to me.

All right.
That was a lie.

Because I was on
a job interview.

Why would you lie about
being on a job interview?

Because it was
the 15th job interview

I've been on
in the last month.

And every time that I fail,
I have to see my girlfriend

pretend like
she's not disappointed,

but I can see it
in her eyes.

And then when you look
in the garbage

and you see a cupcake
with "Congratulations"

written on the top of it...

you don't eat that cupcake.
You know why?

Because it was touching

an old Q-tip
and a banana peel?

Because you feel like dirt.

And you feel like
you don't deserve a cupcake.

Cheating technique
number two:

the sob story.

Nice try,
but it's not
gonna work on me.

Especially when I can call
Lacey right now and find out
the truth.

- Call her.
- I will.

- Oh, hey, Charlie.

- Can you talk?
- Yeah, I'm not doing anything.

Oh, and I took your advice.

I'm hand-free.
Super safe.

- One lane, Grandma.
I'm doing my eyes.

Lacey, I need you
to tell me the truth.

Are you and Sean
having a relationship?

Hot Sean from the group?

Yes, Lacey,

"hot Sean from the group."

No. I'm just helping him
find a job,

you know,
because I care about people.

- Walk faster, you fat ass.

Lacey, you've never
lied to me before,
so if you tell me

there's nothing
going on with you and Sean,
I will believe you.

Of course not
'cause that would be
against the rules.

I mean, you've still got
that rule, right?

'Cause if you don't have
that rule, then--

I still got the rule!

I'm sorry to bother you.
I'll see you in group.
Bye-bye.

God.

So, uh,
what technique

do you call it
when you find out that
I was telling the truth?

Technique 14b:

where the accuser realizes
that he was wrong all along

and should've minded
his own business.

Huh.

So...

♪ Someone deserves
a cupcake. ♪

Go away, you lying,
cheating piece of crap!

It's Charlie.

Oh.

Well, then,
it still applies.

I hate you all.

Look,
I know you're upset,

but I'm gonna tell you
something that's gonna
make you very, very angry.

And then
I'm gonna kill you.

But wait,
there's more.

I'm also gonna tell you
something that's gonna
make you very, very happy.

So why don't we
just focus on the happy
and blow off the rest?

- What is it?
- Remember that stupid thing
I told you about Sean?

He was all, you know,
cheating and everything.

Well, guess what.

Turns out, I goofed.

And a goof doesn't
sound so bad, right?

So he wasn't cheating?

Actually, I found out that
he was going out at night

trying to get a job at a club
and Lacey was helping.

I'm sorry.

I kicked him
out of the house
all because of you?

Yes.

That's the great news!
Congratulations!

Hi, babe.

Perfect timing.

Babe, why did you
bring me flowers?

- I'm the one who was wrong.
- No, babe.

I know how bad you felt when
you thought I cheated on you

and I don't ever
want you to go through
something like that.

I should have just told you
where I was in the first place.

Oh, babe.

Oh.

All right, well,
I'm gonna...

just gonna...

Unless, of course,
you guys need anything.

Nothing at all?

You're both good?
Awesome.

Gin. I win.

Seems a little unfair
you won't teach us the rules.

Does anybody
want anything to eat?

I'm going to the bedroom.

Why do you keep food
in the bedroom?

Why do I sleep
in the kitchen?

I like to mix it up.

Should we be worried
about Nolan?

I mean, I had no idea
he was living

in such abject poverty

with only
a bird to talk to.

Are you kidding me?

When I was his age,

I was sloshing through
the jungle dodging enemy fire

with nothing
but a necklace of ears
to talk to.

Which is why this baby
is my best friend.

Ed, would you please
put that thing back
in your...

belt bag.

It's called a holster,
Patrick.

And if you knew
anything about guns,

you would know
that they don't
go off randomly.

They can't be fired
if the safety's on

or if the clip is out.

Here.
Hold it.

I will hold it
this one time.

Just to say that I--

Oh, my God.
I killed his bird.

Oops.

Must have been one left
in the chamber.

Why does that
always happen?

Are the robbers back?!

Uh, yeah,
they did a drive-by.

We're okay, but I think
your bird got winged.

Oh, man.

I am so sorry, Nolan.

I was holding the gun

and it just went off.

I'll never forgive myself.

Poor little guy.

There.

Good as new.

Honey, you can't staple
a bird back to life.

Sure, you can.
Turtle's been dead
for 10 years.

He was my best friend,

so I had him stuffed.

I'm scared.
I wanna go home.

Thank you for taking me
out to dinner, Charlie.

Are you kidding me?

After everything
I put you through,
it's the least I can do.

I'm just glad
she took you back.

Yeah, the last few days
have been great.

The first night
she felt bad,

we had some of the most
amazing makeup...

conversation that
I have ever had.

I could barely talk
the next day.

So you boys
ready to order?

Yes, I am.

I think I'm gonna do
the prime rib.

Maybe two.

I had a boyfriend
who ate two prime ribs once.

Of course,
he was getting executed
the next morning.

Can I have
one more minute, please?

That's the last thing
he said.

- Hi, Lace.
- Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Sean.
What's going on?

I just wanted to buy
you both a drink

and apologize to you guys
for accusing you of
sleeping together.

Thanks, but not necessary.

No, no.

I owe you
an explanation.

I overreacted because

Sean's been living
with my ex-wife.

Oh, really?

You're living
with Charlie's ex-wife?

Did I not mention that
while we were talking
about clubs?

You son of a bitch.

But you guys aren't
seeing each other, Lacey.

Why would you be so upset?

Because I've been
screwing him for two weeks.

Charlie: Oh, wow.

This may be
a little awkward,

but wanna join us
for dinner?

Gut instinct.

The flowers,
the candy,

you were showing up
with way too much stuff
for a guy who was innocent.

All right.

My love for Jen
is so strong that I got--

Not good enough.

Okay. All right.

This is really--
this is hard for me
to admit, okay?

It is.

I don't believe that anybody
could love me unconditionally.

- I'm a sex addict.

- My babysitter touched me.

The correct answer is...
I'm leaving town.

- Come in.

Okay.

You're watching
old movies,

eating ice cream,

drinking bourbon,

and cutting up
old pictures of Sean.

I know already.

Lacey called me
to apologize.

So you're doing
every cliché,

brokenhearted girl
ritual at once?

Yes, but I'm not
feeling any better yet.

I gotta find a way
to speed this up.

A bourbon float.

That'll be perfect
at birthday parties
for alcoholic kids.

Sweetie, alcohol
and ice cream are not
gonna solve your problems.

Holy crap,
that's good.

You need to get away
and go somewhere.

I don't have any money.

It'll be my treat.

Okay.

I've always wanted
to go to Italy.

I was thinking more
the DoubleTree in
Palm Springs.

They give you a cookie
at check-in.

Hey, she's back.

What's with leaving
the front door open?

What is a door, anyway?

My heart's open,
my mind's open,
my door's open.

It's all the same thing,
you know what I mean?

No, no one does.

I just feel so enlightened
after the weekend
in the desert.

Thank you
for sending me away.

So I take it you had
a good time in Palm Springs.

Mm. That kinda sucked,

but I met these
super-cool people.

So I jumped in their van
and spent the weekend
at Burning Man.

Wow. Well, at least
you came back with
a cool story.

Oh, I came back
with more than that.

Hey, beautiful.

I made some kind, vegan
grilled cheese sandwiches.

Blessing, friend.

- Hugs are free.
- Yeah, so are not hugs.

This is my
ex-husband Charlie.

Charlie,
this is Canvas.

- Canvas.
- I'm open to interpretation.

Yeah, I get it.
I know what a canvas is.

Such a playful spirit
he has.

Ooh, I made some
Superfood goji berry
lemonade.

- I'll go get it.
- Okay.

What is that?

I'll tell you
what that is.

That's sweet.

That's considerate.
That's honest.

Yeah, but don't you think
he's maybe a little bit...

Young, hot, and stupid?
Yeah, and I'm okay with that.

In fact, I'm looking forward
to it two, maybe three
times a day.

Well, as a person
who's been guilty of

young, hot,
and stupid...
have fun.