All language subtitles for The Good Place S01E09_3_text

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- ♪ I see trees of green ♪

♪ Red roses too ♪

♪ I see them bloom ♪

- Hey, dingdongs.
We figured out

what's happened here.

You two are both
named Eleanor Shellstrop.

The day you died, you were
both in Phoenix, Arizona

shopping at
the same grocery store.

Pffft.

- The "real Eleanor"
was attending a conference

on the death penalty,
and you stopped by to pick up

food for a local
homeless shelter.

And "fake Eleanor" was there
buying margarita mix

and a magazine called "Celebrity
Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters."

Incredibly, you both died in the
same 10,000ths of a second

in the same traffic accident
because Real Eleanor

was trying to save
Fake Eleanor's life

by pushing you out
of the way of the truck.

- I guess you really
botched that one, eh?

- I did, and I am
so, so sorry.

- It's all good.

- So how did you not realize
you had the wrong Eleanor?

- Oh, we don't know
what people look like--

only names and profiles.
On Earth, they're just

dots on a map.

- Whatever, we got
our wires crossed,

we picked up the wrong dot,
blah, blah, blah, blah

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

Point is, there are
two Eleanors.

The nice, boring one is yours.
The trash bag is ours--

- Wh--
- So, trash bag, let's go.

Let's hit it.
And also...I'm still waiting on

that smile, gorgeous.
- Trevor.

- Where's that smile?
- Trevor, how about

we negotiate?
Maybe give you something else.

- What in the world
could you have

that we would want?

- All right,
how about a unicorn?

Right? I bet you don't
have one of those.

- No, that is true, yeah.

- [laughs]
- Might be fun

to skin it alive,
eat its raw flesh,

maybe break off the horn,
grind it up, snort it.

Okay, let's keep talking.
Yeah.

[relaxing music]

♪ ♪

- Fake Eleanor,
a word?

- It's just me, man.
You can just say, "Eleanor."

- Sorry, it just
makes things easier.

Look, I'm not even sure how it
would work for you to stay here

now that we know there's a real
Eleanor, but in the meantime,

stay on your toes.
Don't let Trevor

get inside your head.

- Can I ask you something?

Why are you helping me?

- Well, Chidi made a very good
argument on your behalf,

but it's more than that.
I truly believe

that the Good Place
is where you belong.

You're part of our team.

- Hi!
Oh, you must be

the new student
Eleanor Shellstrop.

I'm Gloria,
the senior class secretary.

- Cool.

- Well, welcome to Adobe High,
home of the Scorpi-oties!

Half the school wanted
to be the Scorpions,

half wanted to be the Coyotes,
so we compromised.

Why don't I give you
a tour after lunch?

- Yeah, no thanks,
moptop.

- Uh, sorry?

- Don't need your help,
don't wanna sign your yearbook

in, like, gel pen,
don't wanna bedazzle

our college essays, or whatever.
I'm here for like six months,

and I'm gonna fly solo.

- Beat it, Gloria.
She is, like, such a dork.

She, like, loves
this school so much.

Why don't you come sit with us?
We'll teach you which guys are

cute and which teachers
are secretly pervs, and--

- Yeah, that's
a hard pass as well.

I don't wanna get
chunky highlights,

make fun of nerds, and steal
your mom's flavored vodka.

I get your whole
"mean girl" thing,

and I'm all set
with it, thanks.

In fact...

Listen up, everyone.

I'm Eleanor, I'm new here,
and as a blanket statement

for everyone: I don't wanna be
a part of whatever little group

you've formed because
they're all equally lame.

Everybody cool?
Great.

- Hey, that was really cool,
the way you told

all those poseurs--
- No.

- Michael, welcome.
How can I help you?

- Well, if I'm going
to save Fake Eleanor,

I need some help negotiating.
I don't even know what to offer.

I mean, what do you get somebody
who wants to eat a unicorn?

A unicorn bib, yes!
No, no, uh, unicorn holders,

you know, like--like,
corn holders, but for unicorns?

- Perhaps, it'd be better
if we just move away

from the unicorn
thing altogether.

- [sighs]
No, you're right, you're right.

And anyway, there's
a bigger problem:

the Bad Place Crew--
they're all terrible bullies,

and they outnumber me.
They even have

their own Bad Janet.
I'll show you.

Bad Janet?

[tone]
- What?

- Bad Janet, uh,
where is the nearest café?

- Oh, um, that's
a good question.

It's up your mom's
butt, you fat dink.

[tone]
- What is even the purpose

of a Janet who behaves
in such a manner?

- Unclear, but the--the point is
I never have to deal with

negative emotion of any sort.
I could use some backup, Tahani.

- Oh, Michael, of course.

Why don't you just
bring them all here?

Surely this magnificent house
will placate them.

- Oh, perfect, perfect.
I'll be right back.

- Well, here's...your house.

- It's beautiful--I love
Icelandic primitive design.

I kind of wish
it had a clown nook, oh--

There it is.

- Here's the bedroom.
It's kind of hard

to get up on this dumb ledge
though, it's like--

[beep]

[heavenly music]

[gasps]

You have got to be
forking kidding me.

- Hey, Fake Eleanor,
we used this same clown painting

to decorate the room you were
supposed to live in down there.

I swear to Bieber.

- Wait, what was
your house like?

- Well, I was living
in what I assume

is Eleanor's worst nightmare.

Every day was basically
one endless baby shower

for a woman I didn't know,
but also somehow

I had to organize it.

And if I didn't remember
everyone's name,

I got a very strong
electric shock.

- Yep, that was my pitch.

- And then at night,
it was pretty classic torture.

Uh, flying piranhas,
lava monsters, college improv,

and there was always
jazz music playing.

- Ugh, I hate jazz.
Every jazz song

is like 40 minutes long.
It's like, we get it.

You can blow on a trumpet.
Wrap it up, Elton John.

- Famously a piano player.

- I don't mean to be a bother,
but could I possibly

get some water
and whatever food

doesn't turn to spiders
in your mouth?

- Oh, of course, so sorry.
Let's get some dinner.

- Yeah, we'll all go.
Perfect double date:

Two losers, a trash bag,
and a demon.

Let's hit it.

Eeh!
[laughs]

[classical music]

- All right, Michael,
we're going to ply them

with delicious food and drink,
and then we're going to subtly

segue into negotiation.

- They're sure to be
in a good mood.

Everything is
absolutely beautiful.

- This sucks, dude.

- Yeah, this food,
uh, blows.

Yo, Good Janet.

[beep]
- Hi, there.

- Oh, huh, gimme
some jalapeño poppers.

- Sure, quick question:
what is a "jalapeño"?

Also: what is a "poppers"?

Also: what is
"jalapeño poppers"?

- Oops, sorry, guys.
Uh, see, in the confusion,

Janet got rebooted,
so she hasn't quite uploaded

all of the info
she usually knows.

[laughter]

- That's hilarious.

She's almost as stupid
as people.

- Oh, hey now, come on.
Let's not insult people, please.

[as Michael]
- Uh, I'm Michael,

I love, uh, idiot humans!
[laughter]

- I gotta admit--
that does sound like me.

- "I got to admit--
that does sound like me."

- Oh, nailed it again.
[laughter]

- Go get me a drink.

- Yes, of course.

- Aw, man, this is gonna make
a primo dump later on.

- Well, that looks delicious.
What is that?

- Oh, it's Tom Yum Goong soup.
It reminds me of when I was

in Thailand rescuing
victims of human trafficking.

- Ooh, that sounds so good.
I mean, um, the soup, not the...

human trafficking.

- Oh, and I think your grilled
eggplant looks so good.

- Should we...

[together] Splitsies?
- Yeah! [laughs]

- I can't believe
you thought you could

pretend to be Real Eleanor.

She's like a perfect
ball of light,

and you're like
a...wet pile of mulch.

Someone made a person
out of wet mulch and leaves

and, like, dead slugs,
and that's you.

- Whatever, it's easy when
you're just born perfect.

My parents were both dirtbags
who split up when I was eight.

- I don't mean to eavesdrop,
but did you say

your parents got a divorce?

- Yeah, and that kind of thing
really changes a person.

I mean, that trauma--
It can explain away

a lot of behavior.

- Oh, of course.

- Your parents are still
together, I guess.

- Oh, actually, um,
I--I'm not sure.

I never met my birth parents.

They put me
in an empty fish tank

and abandoned me at
a train station in Bangladesh.

- [groans]
- Luckily, I was found

and adopted by a very nice
couple, the Shellstrops--

- Oh, thank God.
- But then they died

when I was four--bird flu.

- That's awful.
- Anyway, orphanage burned down,

yadda yadda yadda, made my way
to America, yadda yadda yadda,

learned English
from watching "Seinfeld,"

put myself through law school,
and here I am.

- Huh.
And, I'm sorry, what--

What is it you said
happened to you?

The same thing that happens to
half of all kids in America?

[laughs]

- And for you to have
gone through all that,

and to end up where you did,
is just...

It's just amazing.

- Oh, man, these horndogs
are vibing like mofos.

Am I right, Fake Eleanor?

- Please, stop calling me that.

- Oh, you got it,
third wheel.

[laughs]

Yeah, that wine's no good.
I'm sending it back.

♪ ♪

- Hey, Janet.

You look sad.

- People keep asking me
questions that I don't know

the answers to.

- That was my
whole life on Earth.

You know, it doesn't matter
if you know things.

All that matters
is what's in your heart.

- Thanks, Jianyu.
I mean, it does matter

if I know things, because I'm an
informational delivery system,

and I don't have
a heart, but thanks.

Jianyu, I know usually
you ask me questions,

but can I ask
you a question?

- Sure.

- What are jalapeño poppers?

- Oh, I know this one!

Okay, they're deep fried
jalapeños filled with cheese.

- Hm.
- One time, at a

Buffalo Wild Wings
in Jacksonville,

but the nice one, not the one
above the gas station,

I ate 50 of them
in two minutes.

Everyone at the hospital
was so impressed.

- Got it.
Thanks, Jianyu.

- You're welcome.

[light music]

♪ ♪

- Why did you do that?

- Because you're the only
person here that's nice to me.

- Okay.

[light music]

♪ ♪

- Anyone up for a little,
uh, icebreaker?

You know, I once did trust falls
with Barry Diller,

and it was the beginning
of a lifelong friendship.

- And then once we trust each
other, then we can discuss

making a deal
for Fake Eleanor.

- This sucks.
How do you guys eat

without listening
to hard-core porn?

- Oh, come on, this is
the Good Place,

you can do anything
you want.

- What about throwing a rager
and totally trashing this place?

- Whoo-hoo, yeah,
I'd be into that.

- Mm, we could totally
go to town.

- You know, I actually don't
think that's such a good idea.

- Let's party!

- ♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪

♪ Who who who who? ♪

♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪

♪ Who who who... ♪

- So, um, Chidi tells me that
he's teaching you about ethics.

- Yeah, actually,
we've had some interesting

and in-depth classes.
He taught me about Plato

and Socrates, Immanuel Kant--
- Yeah, cool, shut up.

Let's cut to the chase here--
You two go to Poundtown?

Poundtown, bro.
You two bang it out?

She hot for teach?
Did you pork the dork?

C'mon, girl, dish me
dem dirty deets.

- I assure you,
our relationship

was "teacher-student,"
nothing more.

- Chidi, you don't have to
explain anything to me.

Whatever happened before I
arrived is none of my business.

Hey, I'd love to see
the rest of the neighborhood.

- Uh, yes, it's--
it's incredible.

Um, there's an amazing library,
there's a beautiful,

piranha-free lake.
- [laughs]

Well, please,
show me everything.

You ready, Eleanor?

- I've seen it all already.
You guys go ahead.

- You'd rather
be alone with him?

- Fire in the hole--
watch your heads, ladies.

My dudes tend to
boomerang around the room.

- Yeah, I mean,
I don't need to walk around

and nerd out about old books.
I'm good.

- Okay.

- Hey, a bunch of us
are gonna go see

"Spider-Man 2" tonight.
Do you want to come?

- They made a second
"Spider-Man"?

What is there
left to say?

Sure, whatever, I'm in.

- Cool, okay, well,
I'll get tickets

for the eight of us,
and you can just

pay me back in cash.

- So you can get
all the points

on your credit card,
and the rest of us get screwed?

No way.
- No, it's just so

we can all get tickets
before they sell out.

Do you want to buy them?

- So you guys can
never pay me back,

and I'll be out like 80 bucks?

Nice try.
I'll buy my own ticket.

The rest of the group
can do whatever they want.

- Where did she end up?

- Bought it with points, baby.
My points.

- I think I need to find
a new place to live.

[electronic music]
- Oh--no, no, no, no.

Don't--Don't--

All right. Ha.

- [sighs]
Want a bump?

- No, thank you, I--
I don't use cocaine.

- Oh, it's not cocaine, idiot.
We're snorting time.

- Sorry--you're snorting
the concept of time?

- Yeah, it'll fork you up.

- Yo, monk dude,
you know how to tap a keg?

- Karaoke time!
- Whoo!

- Dana, baby, what
do you wanna do?

Okay, Mussolini's speech?
Ooh, the Mel Gibson rant?

That's a classic.
- Classic--Ooh, let's do

the Nixon Tapes--that's my jam!
- Yeah!

[in Nixon's voice]
- "What you always have to

"remember about the Irish
is they get mean.

"Virtually every Irish
I've known gets mean

when he drinks."
[cheering]

- Whoo!

- Michael, tell them to stop.

- Oh, I think I made it pretty
clear that I don't approve.

- Hey, idiot.
Dance.

- You got it.

[in Nixon's voice]
- "Oh, it's about

"damn time that the Jew
in America realizes

he's an American first
and a Jew second."

- [laughs]
I lighted him on fire,

and he never spoke again.

- You know, maybe I'm not
as great as Real Eleanor,

but I'm better
than I used to be.

I'm medium-good.
Why haven't you forkers

invented a medium place?

- Look, I know you've been

trying to become
a "better person,"

I mean, you didn't
want to get caught.

I get it.
But I read your file--

You don't belong here.

I mean,
she spent her weekends

breaking up dog fighting rings.

You once saw a meter maid
writing you a ticket,

and you barked like a dog
till she ran away.

I mean, honestly, you'll be
happier in the Bad Place.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
you'll be miserable.

We will torture you,
but you'll also be happier

because you won't have to keep
trying to fit in somewhere

you just don't belong.

- [sighs]

A'ight.

Let's go.

- Okay, hold on, I have to ask:
is this thing gonna happen?

You and me?
- Ew, no, gross.

- Okay, you know
I had to ask, babe.

[light music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, Tahani, I'm so sorry.

I will obviously clean
all of this up.

- I don't care
about the house, Michael.

I'm just upset that you
let them walk all over you.

- I know--they're the only thing
in the Universe that scares me.

I know what I have to do.

I just have to be...
more accommodating.

Offer them everything they want,
give in to all of their demands,

and then they'll
have to respect me.

- No, you need to
stand up for yourself.

I'm going to tell you
the same thing that I told

Mark Zuckerberg right before
he ousted Eduardo Saverin.

You are smart, you are capable,
and the time has come

to hit "unfriend."
I also told Mark

to lose the "the".
Just "Facebook."

That was me.

- [coughs]
[spits]

[groans]
Oh...

Oh, my head.

- Here, drink this.

- How am I hung over?

I thought there were
no hangovers here.

- Well, the Bad Place Crew
requested the hangover filter

be turned off.
They like them.

So, Michael said we're meeting
at Tahani's place in an hour

for a negotiation session.
We'll walk over together?

- You don't have to come, man.
I'm good.

Just hang out with Real Eleanor
and name constellations

after each other,
or whatever it is nerds do.

I'm fine on my own.

- Yeah, Eleanor, just because
we have a new guest in the house

doesn't mean I'm not still
gonna be there for you.

I'm in this.
We're a team.

- So you've been temping
for us for a year now,

and we want to bring you
aboard permanently.

We think you'd be a great
addition to the team.

- Yeah, no.
Uh, I'm good.

- You're turning it down?

- I just don't think
I'm really one of you guys.

You're all obsessed
with this place, man.

You love working here and
talking about working here,

and you all hang out
like some kind of cult.

- We hang out after work
because we're friends.

- I know.
It's weird.

- If this is how
you really feel,

I--I think I have to
fire you.

- Severance pay.
Love it.

Good looking out, boss.

Peace!

You need me to lie
to old people and scare them

into buying
fake allergy medicine.

I get it, man.
Which one's my desk?

- That one, over there.

All you gotta do is hit your
minimal sales target every week.

- Cool.
And you guys don't have

any lame, mandatory
office hangouts, right?

- Hell no.

Some people go out
for a drink after work,

and I like to run
the occasional group drill

to see how fast we can
shred evidence, but that's it.

Most days, you'll be able
to avoid even talking

to another person here.

- Perfect.
Happy to be a part

of the not-team.

- It'll be a pleasure
not hanging out with you.

- All right,
let's begin negotiations.

Now, we would like to discuss
various trades that we could--

- Oh, yeah,
we're not negotiating.

See, Fake Eleanor and I,
we bro-ed down pretty hard

last night.
We hooked up.

- No, we didn't.

- Yeah, but who are they
gonna believe--me or a woman?

[laughter]

Point is she knows

that she doesn't belong here,
and she's giving up.

- Is this true?

Fake Eleanor, are you
giving up?

- Yeah, of course she is.
She knows this place

isn't for her.
Let's go, dingdong.

Come on.

- No, I'm not leaving.

- Oh, come on, sweetheart,
we've been through this.

You know you don't
belong here.

- You're right.
I don't...

But I want to.

I used to never want
to be a part of any group,

but I'm a different person now
because of the person

who helped me,
and I want to be like him.

I want to be like
all the people who are here.

- You can, Eleanor.

- Thanks, Real Eleanor.

- Hey, if you two aren't
gonna make out, just shut up.

Look, if you don't
come with us,

we're gonna have to turn
this matter over to Shawn.

- Oh, oh, no, um,
Shawn, really?

- Wha--uh, who's--
Who's Shawn?

- He's the wise, eternal
Judge who sits on high,

has the final say on
all disputes

between our two realms.

- And his name
is..."Shawn"?

- Okay, look, I don't want
Shawn involved either,

so how about you blow us away
with an offer

so we can end this.

- Okay...

Here's my offer.

You...get...nothing.

We're not letting
Fake Eleanor go,

and we're not
giving you anything.

- Get him, Michael!

- You can summon
every evil creature you have,

every weapon in your arsenal,
every four-headed

flying bear--they have them down
there--but we are not

giving up.
I believe that Eleanor

belongs in the Good Place.
If I'm wrong, you can take her

to the Bad Place and
punish her all you want,

just really go to town on her.

- Gah, gah, gah,
easy, buddy, easy.

- But she's staying here.

Now, all of you...

Get the fork out
of my neighborhood.

[suspenseful music]

- [chuckles] You're on borrowed
time, Fake Eleanor.

Enjoy it while it lasts.
Let's roll, dummies.

- Let's get one drink
for the road.

- Bye.
- Did you guys hear any of that?

[collective sigh of relief]
- Oh, my...

- Bravo, Michael, really.
[Tahani claps]

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

- Hello, Jianyu.

You got sloppy.
I found your junk food

all over the house,
and then, last night,

you knew how to tap a keg.
So I thought I would

come in here and investigate
your little "meditation" den.

What I found was this.

Now, I don't know
who you are,

but I do know
that you're not

a Buddhist monk.