All language subtitles for The Good Place S01E08_3_text

[melancholy music]

[door opens]

- Eleanor, come on in.

Well, not often
you get to confront

your greatest failure
face-to-face.

- Good to see you,
too, bud.

- I am just dumbfounded
as to how this happened.

Our system has never
made a mistake before--

It's just not possible.

And yet, here we are.

First things first,

who are you?

- Well, my name is
Eleanor Shellstrop,

and some of the info
you had was right.

I mean, "flattened by
boner pill truck

after dropping margarita mix
in grocery store parking lot,"

that's a very me way to die.

But all the other
info was wrong.

In my defense, when I first
arrived, and you said,

"You, Eleanor Shellstrop,
are dead,

and you're in the Good Place,"
I had no reason to think

that was a mistake.

- Location and
date of birth, please.

- Phoenix, Arizona,
October 14, 1986.

So sorry, that's what
I used to tell people

when I lied about my age.

I was born in 1982.

- You lied so much,
you forgot your own birthday.

Not a great start,

but it should be enough

for Janet to locate
your file.

Janet?
[tone chimes]

Janet--
- What's that?

What's that?

[gasps]
What's this?

- Her memory's still being
rebooted because,

oh, you know,
someone murdered her.

Janet, could you please
locate the file for

an Eleanor Shellstrop,
born in--

[sighs] 1982?
- Yes.

- Phoenix, Arizona, USA.

- Sure.
[tone chimes]

Anything else?

- No, Janet, this is
actually a cactus.

This might take a while.

- Whee!

[relaxing music]

♪ ♪

- Since Janet can't
retrieve your file,

I need to find
another way

to determine what kind
of person you were.

This is a quick
litmus test.

Handful of questions
designed to tell

whether you are
fundamentally good or bad.

Question number one:
Did you ever commit

a serious crime,
such as murder,

sexual harassment,
arson, or otherwise?

- No.

- Did you ever have
a vanity license plate,

like "MAMASBMW,"
"LEXUS4LIZ," or "BOOBGUY"?

- No.

- Did you ever reheat fish
in an office microwave?

- Ew, no.

- Have you ever paid money

to hear music performed by

California funk rock band
"The Red Hot Chili Peppers"?

- No.

- Did you ever take off
your shoes and socks

on a commercial airline?

- And socks?

Ew, who would do that?

- People who go to
the Bad Place, Eleanor,

that's the point.

And unless I can figure out
a compelling reason

to keep you here,
you will spend eternity

with murderers, and arsonists,
and people who take off

their shoes and socks
on commercial airlines.

- Mm, Janet, can I have
a glass of water, please?

[tone chimes]
- Here you go.

Oh, gosh, you said "water"?

- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry.

[tone chimes]
There you go.

- Ahh.

- I really do have sympathy
for your situation.

I mean, you thought your soul
mate was a good person,

and then you learned that
she's just an immoral grifter.

- Tahani, please.
- Am I wrong?

She lied to everyone.

She caused a giant sinkhole

into which poor Glenn fell.

She caused a trash storm.

She--well, she pretended
to be my friend

when I really needed one.

And, lest we forget,
she murdered Janet.

As far as I'm concerned,
the sooner she's gone,

the better off we'll all be.

- I--I understand that
Eleanor violated our trust,

but please,
when you're talking to Michael,

try to think about
what she's had to go through.

- All right.

I will, for you.

But we've been through
a lot as well.

You know, I haven't been this
upset since my good friend

Taylor was rudely upstaged
by my other friend, Kanye,

who was defending
my best friend, Beyoncé.

- And finally,
a multi-part question:

Did you ever appear on the
American television program

"The Bachelor" or its companion
shows "The Bachelorette"

and "Bachelor in Paradise,"

or post on
any social media site

that you were
emotionally invested

in any of the relationships

the contestants
were pursuing?

- No.

- Okay.

You did very well
on the questionnaire, Eleanor.

So far, so good.

[tone chimes]
- Michael, good news.

I was able to obtain
Eleanor Shellstrop's file.

- [sighs]
Is it actually a cactus?

- I don't understand.
- I want to see the file

for Eleanor Shellstrop.

Is that what you have,

or do you have a cactus?

- I have the file.
- You're sure?

You have the file
and not a cactus?

- That is correct.

I have Eleanor
Shellstrop's file.

I do not have
a cactus.

- Excellent.
Please, give me the file.

- Here you go.
[tone chimes]

- Thank you, Janet.

- You're welcome.
[tone chimes]

- Well, I say
we call it a day.

I mean, I nailed
the questionnaire,

and you're swimming in cacti.

Can't we just chalk this up

to a hilarious mistake
and move on?

- No, we can't, Eleanor.

There's no such thing
as a mistake in this realm.

And yet, you are,
somehow, a mistake.

I mean, you're a giant
chunk of spinach

in the teeth
of the universe.

I need to understand every
facet of this disaster.

Tell me a lie
about yourself.

Any lie.
- I love the opera.

[low tone]

- And now a truth.

- I love Women's MMA.

[bright tone]

- We don't like to use this.

We've never really
had a call for it before you,

but in the interest of time.

Eleanor,

did you murder Janet?

- No, I did not.

[bright tone]

- Do you know who did?

- Yes.

[bright tone]

- Will you tell me
who it was?

- No.

[bright tone]

- I assume it was one
of your friends,

and I admire you
for protecting him or her.

But Eleanor,
in the Good Place,

there's no room for bad people
or bad actions,

so anyone involved
in the murder of Janet

will be reviewed and judged,

and there will be consequences.

♪ ♪

- Tahani, come on in.

- Chidi.

Imposter who soiled our paradise
with her moral turpitude.

- 'Sup?

- Thank you for confessing,
I don't know what I would

have done if you hadn't--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm amazing.
Bad news.

Michael knows
I didn't kill Janet

which means it's only
a matter of time

before he finds out
that you did

and that you did it
because you were

trying to stop
Bonehead Jones over here.

- Hey, homies!

- Then he'll figure out
that Jianyu's also a phony,

and, here's the real
dong-buster,

Michael said anybody
who did anything bad

might have to go...

- Ohh...
- Which means Jianyu's gone,

you might be gone,

and all three of us
are royally forking forked!

- This is terrible.

What am I supposed to do
if he asks me?

- I don't know.
Kant would say

that lying in any
scenario is wrong,

so if Michael asks you
if you killed Janet,

you should say yes.

On the other hand,

snitches do get stitches.

- That is true.
I read that once

on the back of
my boy Peanut's tricep.

- You just casually
cited Immanuel Kant.

Yeah, I know we're
in a miserable bind here,

but this might be
the proudest day of my life.

- No offense, but that's
a real bummer of a life.

- Tahani, I'll get right
to the crux of the matter.

Did you murder Janet?

- Absolutely not.

[bright tone]

- Now, you spent a lot
of time with Eleanor.

Why do you think that is?

- Well, people are just
drawn to me.

You know, one of my shyest
friends, I won't say his name

to preserve his privacy,
but he found my presence

so comforting that he asked me
to co-host his TV show

"Anderson Cooper 360."

[bright tone]

- Given what you
learned about Eleanor,

do you think she
deserves to be here?

- Well...

You know,
if it were up to me,

I might find a way
to look past her, um...

deficiencies,

but it's not up to me,
is it?

There are some criteria
that she unfortunately

just didn't meet
in her time on Earth.

- So you think that I should
send her to the Bad Place?

- Well, I didn't say that,

but is her staying here unfair
to those who earned their place?

- It sounds like
you want her to leave.

- Well, is it not she

who wants us to leave her?

- Thank you, Tahani.
You've been a big help.

[low tone]

- Listen up, genius.

He's gonna call you
in there in a second.

- Don't worry, I got you.
I'll just tell Michael

you're the bomb and that you got
a dope soul and hella ethics.

- Oh, boy.
No, don't say

any of that.

Michael has a lie
detector in there.

It's a--
it's a glowing cube.

- Like the AllSpark?
From "Transformers"?

- Sure, uh, just like the
AllSpark from "Transformers,"

and--and he'll know instantly
if you're lying about anything

so only smiles and nods,
got it?

- Wise sage,

centered Jianyu.

I seek your wisdom
in this moment of crisis.

What to do with Eleanor?

Should I let her stay?

Should I send her away?

You think I should
send her away?

No,
I should let her stay?

Or no, I shouldn't let her stay
because she doesn't belong here?

Or no, I shouldn't
let her stay

even though she does
belong here?

Oh, Jianyu,
I wish I had your wisdom.

Your devotion to the noble
truths has given you something

that I don't have:
clarity.

It was Buddha who said,

"The man lives a pure life.

Nothing can destroy him."

I'm not a man,
and I've lived no life,

so will this destroy me?

- Ouch.

- Oh, of course.

A cactus on its own
intends no harm.

It's only when we interfere
that it becomes dangerous.

I need to remember
my own agency here.

Oh, thank you, Jianyu.

You're free to go.

Oh, yes, of course.
Help yourself.

I've got plenty of those.

♪ ♪

Chidi, come on in.

[tone chimes]
- Hi there.

I have Eleanor's file.

- Janet, if you
hand me a cactus,

I swear I will lose my mind.
[tone chimes]

Oh, yes!

All right, here we go.
Eleanor, come back in.

Chidi, you stay here.

This file contains
a compendium

of all of the highest impact
events from your life,

that's the, uh,

biggest positive
and negative point swings.

So "Little Julie,"
who's that?

- Julie is my
cousin's daughter.

Her mom is kind of a mess,
so I used to take her

to the mall sometimes
and bought her churro dogs.

It's a hot dog,
but the bun is two churros.

And it's tied together
with a Slim Jim.

It's an Arizona delicacy.

- Oh, sounds awful,
but it's very nice

that you made
that girl happy.

So what's this:
"Kool Threadz,

"Glendale, Arizona's
Premiere T-Shirt Emporium"?

- Uh, can we skip around
and--and circle back?

How about I tell you more
about those churro dogs.

They came with unlimited
ranch dressing.

- Let's hear about
the t-shirts, please.

- Eeeh, okay.

I'll tell you,

but it doesn't
make me look great,

so don't judge me.

- That's literally the purpose
of this entire exercise.

- Okay, to understand this,
you have to know

about my roommate, Madison.

She was terrible.

Hey, Mads, um,
I have to go to this stupid

work party tonight.
Can I borrow your peach dress?

- Aww, that's a hard no, babe.

That dress is like
twice your salary.

All right, I gotta go to the DMV
and pick up my vanity plates.

Ciao, bitches.

♪ ♪

[soft piano music]

♪ ♪

[fabric tears]

♪ ♪

- [sighs]

Well, that's--
that's not great,

but I assume you confessed
and paid to fix it.

- Not exactly.

- Hey, losers, I'm going out.

Can you zip me?

- Dude, that dress
is hella ripped.

- What?
- [laughs]

- Oh, that stupid
dry cleaner!

- Well, that's the risk
you take when you keep

your clothes clean.
- My mom's a lawyer.

Those asswipes
are gonna pay.

- She sued for $900
for the dress

and $80 million
in emotional distress.

The legal fees drove the dry
cleaner out of business.

- Oh, boy.

Wait, this story's
about t-shirts.

There's more,
isn't there?

- A little.

- Check this out.

Somebody put the dry cleaners'
story online, and it went viral.

Madison's famous.

- The "Dress Bitch"?
Yikes.

- [laughs]
Serves her right.

Madison is psycho.
She totally overreacted.

This is her fault.

- Yeah, her fault.
That works.

[door opens]

- You guys,
what is happening?

Someone egged my Lexus,

and I have like 40,000 tweets
calling me the "Dress Bitch"?

Over a loser dry cleaner man?

Why is everyone
so jealous of me?

This is a trash city
full of idiots.

- [laughs]

- The "Dress Bitch"
is so catchy.

- Yeah.
- I mean, someone could

totally make t-shirts.

- Ooh...

- No, no.
No. No.

Do not tell me that you made
t-shirts that said...

that and then sold them
for a profit?

- Wish I could
tell you that, bud.

I really do.

- Guuurl, check it out!

They're here.

- Wait a second.

Is this insane?

I mean, should we
be doing this?

- Dude, Madison brought
this on herself, okay?

She's a nightmare
of a person to everybody.

Plus, we already have
a ton of pre-orders.

Here is your first cut
of the profits.

- Holy mama.

- I can't believe
you sold the t-shirts.

- Does it help if they
basically sold themselves?

- I think you know
it does not.

What did you do
with the money?

- Gah, I was hoping you
wouldn't ask me that.

Thanks, babe.

Next question.

- Eleanor.

Given what you know about the
people who've been brought here,

the lives they've led,

do you think you belong
in the Good Place?

- No, I don't.

[bright tone]

[beep]
- Yello, Bad Place.

What's up, dummy?

- This is Michael,
the architect from

Good Place Neighborhood 12358W.

I'm guessing you've been looking
for someone

called Eleanor Shellstrop.

She's here.
Come and get her.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic Western music]

♪ ♪

- What is this?

- What is that smell?

♪ ♪

- Get out of here!

♪ ♪

- Hello, Trevor.

- Hey, there he is.

Good to see you again, Mikey.

Hey, think fast,
I brought you something.

- Oh, nuts, thank you.

Oh!

[laughter]

Oh, flaming snake ate
all the nuts you brought me.

- [groans]
You're too nice to humiliate.

Oh, hello.

Hi, you look like
a piece of crap,

are--are you Eleanor?

Dude, you're like
a legend in the Bad Place.

You're--Check this out.

Huh?
all: "Dress Bitch"!

- It's pretty great, right?

- Trevor...
- [laughs]

- Do you know
what caused this mistake?

'Cause I cannot figure it out.

- No, we're stumped, but,
uh, don't sweat it, champ.

She's definitely
one of ours.

So we'll just roll on out,
and you can get back to, uh,

putting rainbows up your butt
or whatever you do here. Okay?

Let's hit it, sweetheart.
We got a long ride.

- What?
Right now?

- Trevor, for decency's sake,

let her have some good-byes.

- [groans]
God, good people are the worst.

Okay, uh, 30 minutes.

We gotta get back
for "The Bachelor."

I'm gonna be pissed
if I miss the Rose Ceremony.

- I just want to say,
once more, for the record,

that this whole good/bad
system is bullshirt.

There should be a medium place
for people like me

who kind of sucked,
but in, like, a fun, chill way.

- I agree.

- I'm sorry I dragged
you into this.

And that I never did laundry.

And that I waited
until you were

about to do yours
then secretly tossed mine

into the basket
to trick you into doing it.

- You didn't trick me.
I repeatedly asked you to stop.

- Just know you did everything
you could to help me.

You're a really good
fake soul mate.

[knocking]

What are you
guys doing here?

- Well, we only thought
it was proper to see you off.

It's the neighborly thing to do.

- You guys came to say good-bye
because you're my friends.

- Well, I...
suppose some part of me

possibly has a sense
of casual kinship with you.

Much as one might be
fond of a street cat.

- Thanks, Tahani.

Sorry about everything.

I'm really glad we're friends.

- Oh, hey, dum-dum.
You ready to go?

Oh, you must be Chidi.

Trying to improve her.

Bold plan, bro.

- Well, actually,
she learned a great deal in

a very short amount of time--
- Oh, really?

Really? I don't care.
All right, let's hit it.

Oh, also, you should smile more.
You have such a pretty smile.

Love you, babe.
Can't wait to torture you.

[dramatic music]

This is the 3:18
to the Bad Place,

making thousands of stops
for literally no reason.

Now, you'll notice
it's very hot in here,

and it will get one degree
hotter

every time you think about
how hot it is.

Oops.

You just thought about it.

- Michael--
- Oh, hi, Chidi.

Want some pizza?

Bad Place crew delivered
a hundred of these to my office.

All Hawaiian,
the worst pizza.

- Michael, I murdered Janet.

I knew about Eleanor
from the beginning.

I've been trying to help her
become a better person,

and when she found out
that your retirement meant

that you would be tortured,
she immediately tried

to find a way to prevent it.

Eleanor is learning.

She's just doing it
after she died.

- I did enjoy
her company.

But, this is not
Little League.

There is no award for Most
Improved Player, Chidi.

- Well, maybe there should be.

- One final note:
the dining car

is at the very back
of the train.

It serves only room-temperature
Manhattan clam chowder,

and also,
it's closed.

Okay, here we go.

[train chugging]

♪ ♪

Michael: Stop this train!

[train screeching]

♪ ♪

- Dude, what the fork?

- You're not leaving.
Not with her.

Not yet.
Come on.

♪ ♪

- Wait, you want to keep her?

Bro, that's our girl.
We agreed on this.

- No, what we agreed on
was that this was a mistake.

Trevor, we're in
unchartered territory here.

Until we can sort this out,
she stays with us.

- Pff, all right, fine,
but until this is resolved,

we're keeping the other Eleanor.

- Fine. What?
I'm sorry--

The other Eleanor?
- Yeah, the real Eleanor.

The one that was supposed
to be here but got sent

down to us instead?
She's on the train.

Eleanor, come on out.

- Hi, everyone,
I'm Eleanor Shellstrop.