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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,559
People always ask me, "Jordan,
what's it like having two daddies?"
2
00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:11,039
I ask them, "What's it like
having two eyes, or two hands,
3
00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:13,560
"or two warm glasses
of milk before bed?"
4
00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:16,279
Sometimes the best things
come in pairs.
5
00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,119
Gosh, that's really
well said, Jordan.
6
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:19,959
Thanks for working
on that over the weekend.
7
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,239
Another example is boobs.
HE GIGGLES
8
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,159
To my daddies!
9
00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:25,640
Let's cut that cake.
10
00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:29,119
I wish I had something like that.
11
00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:31,879
A nice, simple interracial,
homosexual relationship -
12
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:33,319
you can't beat it.
13
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,399
Well, I think he's
probably referring
14
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:38,039
to the deep sense
of love and commitment.
15
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:41,519
I think the billion years
of animal procreation
16
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:45,160
that led to the Brown bloodline
comes to a sad end here.
17
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,039
I'll die a virgin.
18
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,799
May as well chop 'em off.
PHONE VIBRATES
19
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,600
Put 'em in a blender
and drink it up. Huh?
20
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,959
- HE GASPS
- Is everything all right, Callum?
21
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,400
It-It-It's happened!
22
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,399
My God, who the heck's she?
23
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,479
The one...
24
00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:09,880
...match I have on the dating app.
25
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,639
- Aww!
- Atta boy!
26
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,279
He shoots, he scores!
27
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:17,039
LAUGHTER
28
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,679
Guys, I'm so nervous!
I've got to do something about this.
29
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,719
- You look good, Callum.
- Yeah, you do.
30
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,719
She swiped on you in that condition.
31
00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:25,760
You must be just her type, hai.
32
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,959
She has a face like
a young Linda Nolan, hai.
33
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,679
Mm, yeah - and can I just say,
from a female perspective,
34
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,999
she's got a really lovely gyatt.
35
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,159
Guys, is this looking any closer
to husband material or what?
36
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,839
Cally, you've just got to
be yourself. you'll be fine.
37
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,559
No, no, Gemma, being myself
is not going to work this time.
38
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,639
It's too sad.
I need to become someone else.
39
00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:11,279
I need to become someone
entirely different.
40
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:14,239
Someone whose genes you'd want
in your eggs, you know what I mean?
41
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:15,959
Maybe try a perm?
42
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,360
Hai.
43
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:31,000
Got a delivery here
for a certain Gwen.
44
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,759
Just a beautiful batch of flowers
to match your beautiful face.
45
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,559
I dunno.
46
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:38,959
Oh, thanks.
47
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,159
What's it gonna take for a guy
to get a beer over here
48
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,479
in this goddamned place?
49
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:43,839
A beer for him and his lady!
50
00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:47,239
I wanna provide, ha-ha!
SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY
51
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:49,239
Um...
52
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,200
you look different
from your profile.
53
00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:53,439
Very smiley.
54
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,279
Well, you know what they say,
55
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,639
it takes a certain angel
to put a smile on a man's face.
56
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,279
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
57
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:01,319
Um...
58
00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:03,719
I'm actually gonna have to go...
59
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,479
...cos of that.
60
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,040
Cos of what you said.
61
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,519
God, fuck.
62
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,119
I only did this to impress you!
63
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,799
That's why I did my hair
like a fucking broccoli.
64
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,479
Fucking shit.
65
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,559
Aw, well done, Callum,
you've done it again.
66
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,560
HE SOBS QUIETLY
67
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,639
Why are you crying?
68
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,959
I am crying because I am sad,
69
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,479
And I am lonely,
70
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,800
And I sleep on the floor
next to my best friend's bed.
71
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,920
You... You poor baby.
72
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,279
Mm-hm.
73
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,439
BIRDSONG
74
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:57,319
CLUCKING
Come on! Come on!
75
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:58,799
Come on! Come on! Oi!
76
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,919
- Ahhh...!
- Oi! What's goin' on here?
77
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,239
Nothing. It's nothin'.
78
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,639
There's a chicken in my room
and you're holding a tiny suit.
79
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:06,919
It's hardly nothing.
80
00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:10,039
- What's this?
- I've been dressing
animals for my scrapbook set.
81
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,959
It's no big deal, Lorcy, honestly.
82
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,239
I don't know, I just...
83
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:15,119
Georgina looked so cute
with her little red hat,
84
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,999
and then, you know, and then I put
these little socks on a field mouse,
85
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,399
and... I don't know,
just from that point I was hooked.
86
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,800
I think I've found my calling -
styling animals.
87
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:27,479
I've never been happier, I'm just
having the time of my fucking life!
88
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:28,999
I'm so happy, Lorcy.
89
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,919
-
- Ye don't suit 'n' boot
a chicken, Gemma.
90
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,199
It's against God's natural order.
91
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,199
Oh, come on, Lorc, what's the harm?
92
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,639
You've caused more harm
than you know.
93
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,760
There's som'hin' I need to show you.
94
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,919
Well, he's just forever tugging,
95
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:48,319
with no regard to where he throws
those stained pants of his.
96
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,999
-
- He could throw
them down the side of the bed
97
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,719
that I don't sleep on,
but he doesn't.
98
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,839
He just doesn't.
99
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,959
I'm sorry, that is a bit
of an overshare!
100
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,040
No, no, no, don't stop.
101
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,680
I'm here to get to know you,
aren't I?
102
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:07,719
Last year I was milked
by a girl on a swan pedalo,
103
00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:11,080
and then she dumped me
and got with my other best friend.
104
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:16,719
And that, right there,
is my entire romantic history.
105
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,639
- ♪ Let me be the one... ♪
- Oh...
106
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,280
Oh, you sad wee bastard.
107
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:24,919
Aw...
108
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,479
What do you mean by that?
109
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,760
You're just a wee sad fucker,
aren't ya?
110
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,400
Oh, God...
111
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,080
Mm...
112
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,559
When I was four my da dangled me
out of a two-storey skylight
113
00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,599
cos he wanted to be like
Michael Jackson.
114
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:45,720
So now I piss myself every time
I look out a friggin' window.
115
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:48,759
You wanna meet Grainne?
116
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:49,799
Who's Grainne?
117
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,359
Oh, she's a very dirty girl.
118
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,639
Oh, I like the sound of that!
119
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,159
I'd love to meet this Grainne.
120
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:57,079
Mm... Yeah?
121
00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,079
You'd be a very lucky boy.
122
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,839
Not everyone gets to meet my filthy,
sensual lover.
123
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,119
Oh, my God.
124
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:08,079
I have not roleplayed like
this since Final Fantasy X-2.
125
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,439
What makes this Grainne so dirty?
126
00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,879
She disembowels chickens
in Moy Park chicken factory.
127
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,959
- Ohhh...!
- She smells like innards.
128
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,159
Oh, my God, I'd love to get
a sniff of her innards.
129
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:18,359
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hm.
130
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:19,400
Oh, hi, darlin'.
131
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,879
This is my partner, Grainne.
132
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:29,679
Sorry, son, I would've made myself
look half presentable.
133
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,159
Ah, you're all right.
134
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:35,199
And how're you doing today, hmm?
135
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:36,479
Oh...
136
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,319
Grainne's wee dog died last week.
137
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,839
Isn't that sad?
138
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,079
Oh...
139
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:43,879
I don't wanna ruin
the mood, darlin'.
140
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,719
No.
141
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,839
Well, he was riddled
wi' dog cancer -
142
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,799
but it was actually a freak accident
that got him in the end.
143
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:52,919
Mm.
144
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:56,199
To be honest, it saved the poor
'hing years o' sufferin'.
145
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,919
Only time I've bin' thankful
for a car bombing.
146
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,719
Had his arse blown backwards.
147
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:02,760
Yeah.
148
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,640
Mm...
149
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:10,080
- Oh...
- Mm...
150
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,599
He just didn't come home
for his breakfast.
151
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,479
- Tasty tears.
- Oh, frig me, bai...
152
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,120
-
- Had his wee arse
blown backwards.
153
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,399
Lorcy, where are you taking me?
154
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,040
I need a poo, Lorcy.
155
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,760
This is the Ballymacnoose
Paranormal Headquarters.
156
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:36,959
What's this?
157
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,919
- Frank...
- She's a bloody unknown.
158
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,279
Frank, she's with me.
159
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:41,479
She's a bloody unknown.
160
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,839
Hey, calm your tits, Swan Lake -
she's with me.
161
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:47,520
She's a witness to the latest
three-piece, Franklin...
162
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,360
...within touching distance.
163
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,639
She's involved,
whether she can hack it or not.
164
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,559
-
- Why does your dad
have my chicken suit?
165
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,239
Don't say a word. Just watch.
166
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,799
OK.
167
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,399
You're never going to
believe why I'm on this mountain -
168
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,039
and come to think of it,
I find it hard to believe myself.
169
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,879
Let's meet the man
who claims to have met the fairies.
170
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:13,799
That man is PJ O'Hare,
a Carlingford publican
171
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,799
who has in his possession
the clothes of a leprechaun.
172
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,719
That's the little hat now -
173
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,839
and the jacket...
174
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,559
- ...and if we...
- Watch!
- ...try to hold them together,
175
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,039
allowing room for his head,
176
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,600
and then his...
177
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,079
I don't know how
he kept his trousers up,
178
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:33,600
but he didn't leave his shoes.
179
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:35,639
Christ on a bike!
180
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,119
The story has happened
in other parts of Ireland,
181
00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:41,079
where a leprechaun can
throw off his clothes
182
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,079
and if you ever saw the film
The Incredible Hulk,
183
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,879
he can expand himself
into a figure -
184
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:50,319
now, as big, possibly, as a sheep
or a ram standing on its hindlegs,
185
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,319
or a greyhound standing
on its hindlegs...
186
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:57,439
I also meant to tell ye that there
were coins with... with the suit.
187
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,239
Jesus, no matter how many
times I see that
188
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,559
I can never get used to it.
189
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:01,920
It's fucking chilling.
190
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,800
We haven't had a chance now
to have had a complete, er...
191
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:10,519
Over the last month,
192
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:15,039
I have been amassing
a collection of tiny clothing.
193
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:19,839
It is my regretful contention that
Boggins's Farm is under an invasion
194
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:25,559
from a leprechaun masquerading
as various Boggins Farm fauna.
195
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,479
SHE GASPS
196
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:28,640
Oh, no!
197
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,199
You seriously need to cut this out.
198
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,439
Come on, Lorcy. I'm, like,
THIS close to completing my set.
199
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,559
Literally, I just need
a sheep in a boxers,
200
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,319
a goose in a caftan
201
00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:42,439
and a, um... Oh, a quail in slacks -
202
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,479
- and then I'm done, and then
I'm out of the game forever.
- Gemma!
203
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,679
- I promise, I promise.
- Gemma!
This is not funny.
204
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:49,879
My da's losing the plot.
205
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,319
You cut this out,
206
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,679
or I'll tell him that you've
been fannying with the animals.
207
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,479
I'll stop. I pinky promise, Lorcy.
208
00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:57,839
I'm sorry.
209
00:09:57,840 --> 00:09:59,240
I love you.
210
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:14,839
Look, I just don't think this
is for me, Gwen. I'm sorry.
211
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,159
But you knew I was
in an open relationship.
212
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:20,279
You see, I thought that meant
you were just open and honest.
213
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:21,920
Like you're an honest person.
214
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,839
Look, Callum...
215
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,759
...I haven't felt this way
about anyone
216
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,319
since the first time I saw Grainne
217
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,999
standing outside a takeaway
dressed as a chip,
218
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,199
about to throw herself
in front of a bus.
219
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,839
Yeah, she seems to have lived
a very hard life, hasn't she?
220
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,159
Yeah - but you have too.
221
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,599
I mean, you two are...
222
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,440
...very special people to me.
223
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:54,199
Truth is, you are the first match
I've had on that bloody app.
224
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:55,519
Wha?
225
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,599
You mustn't have
been on it that long.
226
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,119
I was one of the original
Kickstarter supporters
227
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,160
nine years ago.
228
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,839
-
- I tested the beta.
229
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:06,559
Oh, come here!
230
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,439
HE SOBS
Oh!
231
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,000
Oh, my God, your wee tears.
232
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,279
- Ohhh...
- Mm...
233
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,759
We all... have our quirks.
234
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,559
If you stick wi' me,
I'll ride your balls clean off you.
235
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:21,960
Ohh...
236
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,960
Oh... Give me your wee salty tears.
237
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,520
Hmmm...
238
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,479
Gwen is fantastic, man.
She really embraced me, you know?
239
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,279
I think I love her.
240
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:43,119
So, get ready to witness the most
perfect date imaginable.
241
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,199
THEY CHUCKLE
242
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:45,480
Oh, is that her mum?
243
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,239
Oh, my God, Callum,
she's kissing her mummy!
244
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:51,839
Look, here's the one
prickle on the pickle.
245
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,559
Gwen is in an open relationship
with a woman called Grainne.
246
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,919
A 50-year-old who
disembowels chickens, OK?
247
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,719
Gwen is attracted to sad fuckers
248
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,159
and wants a three-way relationship
with me and Big G.
249
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,079
- Look at me. Look at me.
- I'm scared.
250
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,679
I need you to be a strong boy, OK,
and I need you to distract Grainne
251
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:08,599
so I can get some
alone time with Gwen.
252
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,360
OK? Look, just play it cool.
253
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,199
Hi!
254
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,999
I'm Gwen, this is Grainne.
255
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,599
All right, folks?
256
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,119
Hi!
257
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,319
Sorry, I just remembered
ma' dog died,
258
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,960
so... I'm not gonna be
much fun today.
259
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:27,679
GWEN GASPS
260
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,599
Oh, fuck...
261
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:30,759
Just one lick won't hurt...
262
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,159
Oh, no, here, here, here...
263
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,279
Let's make the most of the day
before it gets bloody dark.
264
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:36,320
Hai.
265
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,480
That's a nice shirt.
266
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,080
PHONE RINGS
267
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,160
Hullo.
268
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,920
God, your farm as well?
269
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:06,039
No, no, no, there's no natural
way for a quail to put on slacks.
270
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:07,919
It's them, all right.
271
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:11,599
No, look, this is much bigger
than I thought.
272
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,760
Territorial war
with a brood of leprechaun.
273
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,599
I hate to be the one to say it,
274
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:21,359
but all clothed animals
must be shot on sight.
275
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:23,079
Mr Boggins.
276
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,520
I'll call you back, Fergal.
277
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,640
Mr Boggins, I have a confession.
278
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,319
For the past month or so
I have been sneaking onto your farm
279
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:36,840
and dressing your animals
in tiny garments.
280
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,599
Suits for chickens,
281
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,159
little sexy tank tops
for guinea pigs.
282
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,479
I actually even tried to put
283
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,279
these really cute little
shoes on a spider,
284
00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:49,079
but I got kind of tired when I
realised how many feet they had.
285
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:53,039
They're not leprechauns, Mr Boggins.
286
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,720
They just have a really
incredible stylist.
287
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,359
Jenny, darling...
288
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,839
...I appreciate why you'd
make up wee fibs
289
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,919
to save the lives
of yer wee animal friends,
290
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,119
but, respectfully...
291
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:14,240
...we're about to start
a leprechaun massacre.
292
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,839
Don't start spouting
silly shite like that.
293
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,359
Sammy.
294
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,039
I have a lead on a goose
in a caftan
295
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,959
about two mile from here,
as the goose flies.
296
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,799
To the armoury, Franklin.
297
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:27,920
Yes, sir.
298
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,760
Oh, no, that poor goose.
299
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,639
What kinda girl are ye'
lookin' on there, darlin'?
300
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,519
A big booby milf
who likes pizza and chips
301
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,799
and has played all
the Assassin's Creed games.
302
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:44,840
Ah.
303
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,120
My Gwen uses it.
304
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,160
She has her needs, y'know...
305
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,400
...and I wouldn't wanna
houl' her back.
306
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:02,800
You're not the only one who's going
through a hard time, FYI.
307
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,999
My daddies cancelled
my PS Plus subscription
308
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,239
cos they caught me playing
sexy Japanese games again.
309
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,239
They treat me like shit.
310
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,239
It's basically child abuse.
311
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,839
I'm so sorry.
312
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,119
Yeah.
313
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,240
We've all got our crosses to bear.
314
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,839
And, see you...
315
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,240
...you hold yourself
so very, very well.
316
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:31,760
Thank you.
317
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:34,920
Thank you!
318
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:37,160
♪ Girl, I got the goods
319
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,479
♪ I got the goods... ♪
320
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,760
What a day!
321
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:44,479
What a day.
322
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,120
THEY LAUGH
323
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:50,919
Mwah!
324
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:53,079
HE LAUGHS
325
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:56,839
I feel like I'm in an episode
of frickin' Gilmore Girls.
326
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,559
THEY LAUGH
327
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,640
An episode where Tristan meets
a gorgeous gal called Gwen.
328
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,199
Yeah, she has her quirks...
329
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,039
She seems to be sexually
attracted to sadness
330
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,079
and, er, wants
a three-way relationship
331
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,359
with another woman called Grainne,
who I don't like...
332
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,079
Hello!
333
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:14,519
Were you expecting that?
334
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:15,959
No.
335
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,679
...but none of that matters,
336
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,639
because she said she's gonna ride
the balls clean off me.
337
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,279
I'm about to say goodbye
to my virginity,
338
00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,599
goodbye to my hymen.
339
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,160
-
- I could almost cry from joy.
340
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:30,320
HE SIGHS
341
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,840
Those tears... taste different.
342
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,959
Sweet.
343
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,559
Are you back to your wee smiley
self? Has this all just been an act?
344
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,839
No, I am just...
345
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:44,959
I knew you were lying!
346
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,359
Have you just been happy
all this time?
347
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:48,679
Oh, Gwen!
348
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,160
- Piss off!
- GWEN!
349
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,039
Mm, that does
sound like a tricky bugger.
350
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,399
Well, see, that's just it.
351
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,839
Before I met her,
I was truly miserable.
352
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,199
Every morning I woke up was another
groundhog day of pain and regret.
353
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,479
I was exactly what she wanted.
354
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,239
And she was exactly what I wanted -
355
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,399
a girl willing to have sex with me.
356
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,359
Now every time I think about her,
357
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,719
I get an uncontrollable urge
to smile.
358
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,440
I can't stop smiling - look!
359
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,119
OK, so all you really need to do
360
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,640
is go on a date
and have a miserable time.
361
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:26,479
Why don't you... eat dogshit,
like they do on Fear Factor?
362
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,159
Fear Factor...
363
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:29,799
I mean, I could come, as well,
364
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,799
and look after that
stupid lady, if...
365
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,879
...if you want.
366
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,119
Take her off your hands.
367
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,759
Lorcy, I put a horse in your
favourite hat. I'm really sorry.
368
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,479
- Wha?!
- I love you, Lorcy.
369
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:42,799
You put the horse in a hat?
370
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,239
- Yeah.
- Oh, for fuck's sake, like!
371
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:45,360
Oh, Lorcy - sheep!
372
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,279
- GWEN SIGHS
- Why have you brought me here?
373
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:52,199
Look, Gwen, let me climb up
this very, very, very high wall,
374
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,079
even though I have vertigo,
and then see how you feel, OK?
375
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,440
-
- Right, OK. Hurry up, then!
376
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,759
Oh, Jesus Christ...
377
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:11,959
Can I tell you something?
378
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,439
You may, darlin'.
379
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,199
I know she's got a type...
380
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,679
...but I don't think you fit it.
381
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,519
CLAPS ECHO
382
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,719
Well, she is into a bit o'
the oul emotional sadism,
383
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:25,760
but, sure,
I'll take it where I can get it.
384
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,840
You don't seem sad
when you're with me, though.
385
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,999
I don't like it, Gwen!
386
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,959
Wait, wait. Callum, hold on.
387
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:40,999
What?!
388
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,959
This is really doin'
something for me.
389
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,239
No, thanks, mam, I'm not gonna
cripple my legs for a woman.
390
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,519
I'm coming down.
391
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:48,919
Come on, Grainne, let's scram.
392
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,440
You're not gonna die today, son.
393
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,880
Maybe you could just stay with me.
394
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,239
I hope you find yer big booby milf
395
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,159
who's raised childer
and still found the time
396
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:05,160
to play all
17 Assassin's Creed games, darlin'.
397
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,000
I really do.
398
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,680
How'd she know there were
exactly 17?
399
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,160
CALLUM SCREAMS
400
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,879
Oh, my God, I'm gonna fuckin'
piss myself!
401
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,039
I'm gonna fuckin' piss myself!
402
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:21,799
Get the man, Gwen!
403
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,039
- Don't.
- Get the man!
Where's the...? Where is he?
404
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:28,119
HE SCREAMS UNCONTROLLABLY
405
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:29,160
You OK, Callum?
406
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,240
Oh, my God.
407
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,000
Aah, he's so beautiful!
408
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,159
Hey! Hey! I think I heard
a goose honk, hai!
409
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:41,599
Lorcy, wait for me!
410
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:42,839
GOOSE HONKS
411
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,679
Leprechaun in sight!
412
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,239
No body shots, Franklin.
413
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,959
Head 'n' bollox only,
the two weak spots.
414
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,639
No, no, no, no, no!
Don't do it, Frank!
415
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:51,799
Don't do it! Don't do it!
416
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,239
He's a handsome fella,
with that dress on him.
417
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,399
Don't be fooled by his
beguiling tricks, Franklin -
418
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:57,719
shoot him in the bollox.
419
00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,319
He's dancing around the place.
420
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:00,479
GOOSE HISSES
421
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,599
He'd look the part in a nice
pair o' pumps, wouldn't he?
422
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,600
Frank. Frank, look at me.
423
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,879
It's just a goose.
424
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:09,480
It's just a harmless wee goose.
425
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,400
Don't do this.
426
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,679
It does sort of look
like a goose, Sammy.
427
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,759
It'd be a shame to shoot
a goose in the head, like.
428
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,440
Ah, get out.
429
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,559
This is fer PJ, fucker.
430
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:27,880
GOOSE HONKS
431
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,159
Are you OK, baby?
432
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:31,999
Aye, I'm just navigating
a panic attack.
433
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,399
- That climbin' wall got me, there.
- Awww.
434
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,119
- Oh, you were such a good boy
climbing up that wall.
- Yeah.
435
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,759
Wasn't he, Grainne?
436
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,839
Never saw better
behaviour in me life, Gwen.
437
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,639
No, me neither.
438
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,239
Not since Bertie.
439
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,519
It's hard to believe
it's been a week to the day
440
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,599
since he got his arse exploded off.
441
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,079
He really was a dog for life.
442
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,079
- Mmm...
- But then he died.
443
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:54,799
Yeah.
444
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,479
Oh, my God, my thyroid!
445
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:57,799
You all right, son?
446
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,759
My overactive thyroid gland!
447
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,359
What happened? What is it?
448
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:02,799
I have an overactive thyroid gland,
449
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,399
and some day I might needa'
get surgery on it,
450
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,239
and they could
scratch my vocal cords
451
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,079
- and I could...
-
- ...end up talking like this.
452
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,279
Oh!
453
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,679
- You're the saddest person
I've ever been with.
- Yeah.
454
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,359
I dunno how long I'm gonna
last for you two sad wee fuckers.
455
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,039
Oh, there we go.
456
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:20,239
Mwah!
457
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,919
I want you to dance for me.
458
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:22,959
Do you?
459
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,119
Mm-hm, yeah. Oh, yeah!
460
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:26,959
Ooh, ooh, oooooh!
461
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,999
That boy's been to classes.
462
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,679
Yeah! Shake those nipples!
463
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:31,959
Shake the nipples!
464
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,039
More!
PHONE RINGS
465
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,559
- I'm a virgin, Gwen!
- Uh-huh!
466
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,639
I'm a sad little virgin, Gwen.
467
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,359
I want you to pop my cherry.
468
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:44,000
I want to watch you two pump
each other like sad dogs.
469
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,320
Grainne?
470
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,520
SHE GASPS
471
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,599
What's wrong, baby?
472
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,039
Oh!
473
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,639
Gwen, darling, I'm sorry.
474
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,240
I think I'm breaking up with ye.
475
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:08,599
Oh!
476
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,679
Gwen, wait, Gwen, baby!
477
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,479
Tchw, tchw, tchw!
478
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,239
That was fast!
479
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,319
Do you want me to stay, Gwen?
480
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,279
Fuck off outta my house!
481
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:19,400
KISSING
482
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,240
Hello, sixth time.
THEY LAUGH
483
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,159
Fuck you! Fuck you!
484
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:28,560
Fuck!
485
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:34,120
No sign of leprechaun.
486
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,279
Franklin, I think we can stand down.
487
00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:42,719
As I always say, better a dead goose
than an infestation of leprechaun.
488
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,399
He does actually say
that quite a lot.
489
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,239
You know, there's been
a fair few fallen geese
490
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,520
in this blood feud, like.
491
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,399
Well, I mean, I guess it's still
got some of its clothes on,
492
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,559
and there are, like,
bits of it on its clothes...
493
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:55,839
Gemma...
494
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:57,960
...maybe it's time
you got another hobby.
495
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,399
Have yous ever played sticky ball?
496
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:02,719
What the hell's sticky ball?
497
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:06,039
Velcro paddles, tennis ball,
and literally hours of fun.
498
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:07,079
- Oh!
- OK.
- Yeah.
499
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:08,960
You'd love it. Let me show you.
500
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:11,640
OWL HOOTS
501
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,639
- Hey, Cal.
- Yeah, bud?
502
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:16,879
I'm sorry Gwen dumped you
503
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,799
and I got in the way of you
losing your virginity.
504
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:24,519
Aw, it's fine, I'll keep my willy
nice and warm for another woman, ha.
505
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,000
Apology accepted.
506
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,959
Yeah, she was like
a psycho sadness vampire.
507
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:31,919
You were her tasty lil' Bella.
508
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:33,959
Hmm! Yeah. It's funny,
509
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,319
a part of me actually thought,
if I'd just stuck with it,
510
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,559
I might've formed a healthy
relationship in the end,
511
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,799
but I suppose that's
the sorta warped thinking
512
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,080
that sends people drinking
to their deaths, huh?
513
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,599
I really did enjoy our dalliance.
514
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:48,679
I'm sure you'll find someone.
You're a lovely fella.
515
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:49,879
Thanks, Grainne.
516
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,239
Very well said, Grainne.
517
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:52,999
Thank you very much.
518
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,880
THEY LAUGH
519
00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,759
Your smell is so good.
520
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,399
Your wee pheromones.
521
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:03,879
I'm so glad I'm not a lonely
little loser any more.
522
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,159
You're my third favourite
Jordan, Jordan,
523
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:07,839
just behind the River Jordan...
524
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:09,119
- Ah, yeah?
- ...and Katie Price.
525
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:10,559
Oh, yeah?
526
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,079
Mmm...
527
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,840
THEY MOAN
38068
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