All language subtitles for Funboys S02E01 Blight at the Museum 1080p iP WEB-DL AAC2 0 H 264-RAWR[EZTVx.to]_Track3

Blooming heck,

these tatties weigh near as much
as your mother's arse, Siobhan!

Prontius, what have I told you
about that sort of language

in front of Flan?

He's a big boy, Siobhan.
Aren't ya, son?

Is this actually how people
used to live back then?

Well, part of Cally's new job
is the recreation of history,

but I think he's playing
this a little fast and loose, hai.

God, it's incredible.

No phones, no distractions.

People just really
living in the moment.

Here, give me this boy here.

- Will we go for a wee jig?
- Oh!

Will we go for a wee jig?

- Whey!
- Woo!

- Well done, Cal!
- So good!
- Well done, hai!

God, Callum, I've really got to say
you are, like, really good

at playing a scum of the earth
peasant farmer.

I think you mean salt of the earth,
Gemma, but thank you so much.

Well I'll tell yous, after all that
bad stuff that happened last year...

You smoking a drug from your bum?

Just made me realise that life
is about the simple stuff.

And what could be more simple
than being a silly little Irish

peasant farmer in
the mid-19th century

who solely relies on potato
as his only crop.

Well, look,
we've all experimented with drugs.

I used to huff petrol.

Chewy vitamins.

Yeah, and I actually smoked a fair
amount of DMT back in the day.

The important thing is,
much like Davina McCall,

you dropped the skag
and you bounced back.

Good boy, good boy.
Get enough milk there now?

Good, good.

Have I bloody ever!

You're on the up
and you're never coming down, hai.

CHUCKLING

THUNDER RUMBLES

Bloody amateurs.

Man, I wish I lived
back in the 19th century.

Why is that, sham?

Because everyone these
days is obsessed with

having a big, fat batty.

Back then, having a flat bum like me
was totally normal and cool.

You've got plenty of meat
in that wagon, hai.

I'm as flat as
a day-old fizzy orange.

Born in the wrong era much?

Oh, guys, the new museum director -
a real stickler for accuracy.

People say he hasn't even left
the folk park since he got here.

Sleeps in the tannery
under a cow hide.

That's what I call
bloody commitment.

The humble Irish lumper...

..known for its ability to
thrive in harsh conditions.

Much like the people
of this great land.

Fighters, survivors...

..but most of all...

..poor bloody blighters.

Blight is upon us.

GEMMA GASPS

Oh, no!

That's tara, boy.

OK, I don't want to live
in old times any more.

That does not look like fun.

The famine wasn't fun, sham.

What the hell's a famine?

When all the potatoes
in Ireland turned to rot.

Jordan, one million people
starved to death.

Shit! A million!
That...that's a lot.

That's why their bums were so flat.

They were hungry,
had their arses starved by a blight

and England, hai.

Maybe now yer wee flat arse doesn't
seem like such a big deal, eh?

Me and my selfish flat ass.

Blight is upon us, plump lad!

Oh...

What's wrong with him?

Well, you know the million people

who died during
the Irish Potato Famine?

Yeah.

Yeah, he just found out.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, it's hitting him hard.

His empathy must have come through.

His empathy?

Yeah, you know, most people develop
empathy around the age six to nine,

but Jordan was always
uniquely selfish.

His empathy balls
never really dropped.

The mass scale of human suffering
in the potato famine

must have finally done the trick.

Yeah, every cloud, I guess.

Hey, Cal?

Yeah, bud?

Why are there poor people in
the world when I have so much stuff?

That's a good question, J-man.

I think it's better to forget
about those big old questions

and just enjoy the little things.

Goodnight!

The lady at the gift shop said
that little boys didn't have

sweeties back then, and they had
to fill their bellies with gravel.

Yeah, well, maybe you could
take a leaf out of their book

and stop eating so many sweeties
yourself, Mr Sweetie Monster.

Right, goodnight!

And she said some children were
so hungry they turned to cannibalism

and ate their own freshly
starved-to-death parents.

Hai, lad, no-one needs to be hearing
that this late at night, Jordan.

It was bad. I'm aware of that.

Night, Cal.

Night.

Oh, my God!

Bless their poor souls.

Ah, come on, Flan!
Keep your eye on the ball, son!

Ohhh! Well done, Flan!

Oh, that's a good catch, son!

Men and their sports,
am I right, girls?

Some things never change.

Salutations.

Prontius O'Hara. You must be our
new land steward, is that right?

Marquess Harrington.

Come along now, Flan,
leave the men to their business.

No place for women or babas.

My dear, don't let me
interrupt this family gathering.

Play's important for a young lad.

What is it they say?

All work and no play
makes Flan a dull boy.

SHE LAUGHS FEEBLY

And, Prontius, what would
all play and no work make for?

Oh, sire, I...

An angry land steward, that's what!

I apologise. The crops have been a
bit light due to the potato blight.

I believe the learned men
are calling it

the Phytophthora infestans.

I don't want a science lesson,
you slack-faced lick arse!

I'm here to collect the rent!

And you'd better have it soon
or may God have mercy on your poor,

feckless little effing soul!

Because I certainly won't.

Two minutes, Mildred.

Er, Phillip.

Could I have a wee word?

Hey, Callum, mate, how're you doing?

Good, good. Um...

Yeah, I just wanted to let you know
this job has been great for me.

- Ahh.
- Good, honest work,
a beautiful family.

Just great for the old
noggin blues, you know.

Aye.

I do think you might have just
gone a wee bit too far back there.

Just... Just a wee bit.

Too far?

Yeah.

I know I'm sounding crazy right now,

but it almost begins to feel like
a real peasant-landlord dynamic.

I don't think that doesn't
sounds crazy at all.

Callum, let me tell you a story.

Do you know what
a background artist is?

Yeah, like an extra.

A background artist.

Well, I was a BA on a little film
called The Passion Of The Christ.

I was working the am-dram
circuit in Ballymacnoose

when Mel's casting director's
assistant's brother saw me

in an all-adult production
of Lord Of The Flies.

It didn't work so well
without the child actors,

but it was enough for me
to get my foot in the door.

Next thing I know, I'm in the
Basilicata region of southern Italy

watching Jesus Christ himself
carry the cross to Golgotha.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, no, no - the son of God.

And here's the kicker.

Out of all the hundreds of
background artists, Mel selected me.

He parted the crowd
like the Red Sea,

he handed me a rock and he said,

"I want you to throw
this at Jesus's head."

I said, "Well, Mel, yeah,
but I won't actually,

"because it's quite heavy
and it'll hurt...John Caviezel."

And he told me -
and I'll never forget this -

he said, "You think the rock's
going to hurt him?

"Wait till you see what
I've got in store for him

"at the top of that hill."

Actors bleed for their craft.

Well, no, I know that,
it's just when you slapped me

- and you choked me, it almost...
- It almost seems real?

Like I really am
a 19th century land steward

and you really are a rural
farmer under my stewardship?

Ah?

You see, you've got it.
It's in you.

I knew when I interviewed you,

you were going to make
a phenomenal peasant.

You really think so?

Get out of here.

Are you sure you
want to be doing this, sham?

I don't know how much benefit the
children in Namibia are going to get

from Family Guy season 17.

Laughter is the best medicine.

The children of Namibia will be

chuckling their asses
to good health. Trust me.

- Hey, hey, Jordan...
- Yes?

I just want to say,
on behalf of all of England,

I am so sorry that we didn't do more

to help during
the Irish Potato Famine, and I...

- Bless you.
- ..I just didn't realise

we were such little fuckers,
I swear.

Please forgive us!

I forgive...

..but I don't forget.

My heart holds
the pain of my people,

and it makes me really, really sad.

I'm going to fix this, Jordan.

Even if it means going back in time

with like 50 billion
spuds in my bag.

I'll fix it!

Bless you.

Go on, my child.

Now, Gemma, you know fine rightly
that's an unrealistic proposition.

I've a got bad feeling about this.

I don't know how much of this
empathy stuff suits the likes

of Jordan. He's no Bob Geldof.

I hear you, Lorcy,
but me and England,

we have a lot to answer for.

And if I can help just one
generational famine sufferer

like Jordan, then maybe
it'll make all the difference.

Yeah?

OK.

Bless you.

Bless you, my child.

Agh.

Prontius, you're working very hard.

Would you not like
to play the bodhran

and sing a song for
Flan and our visitors?

Work one's arse to the bone
and expected to play a poxy tune.

Leave me to me toil,
Siobhan, will ye?

Your fealty has not gone unnoticed.

Oh!

Oh, Christ! Thank you, sir!

Thank you!

I wanted you to clean it,
not eat it, you clod!

Don't let the child see his father
like this, Siobhan. Don't let him.

What age are you, son?

Oh, he's nine, sir. A sharp mind.

Mrs Farringdon says he may
well have a future in academia.

Mrs Farringdon
is a pair of whore's knickers.

That's a good, ripe age.

To the workhouse, lad!

Prontius, stop him!

He'll do well in the workhouse,
love. He's a strong lad.

He'll do well.

HIGH—PITCHED VOICE:
Father, nooooooo!

Help meeeeee!

Where are you, Lord?

Cos you're not here.

Hmm.

Sometimes a good whack to the face

- can really centre
a performance.
- Mm.

Funny, I know he's
not a real boy, but...

..he makes me feel like a real dad.

Hmm.

I never had a daddy.

And I want to give him
the life I never had.

Master Flan is in safe hands.

You're such a good peasant.

You know, you're the best
peasant I've ever had.

Thank you, Phillip.

You're a kind master.

You're good at playing a master.

We've only but scratched
the surface!

Let's push it further, lad.

Say it, lad.

Yes, master.

Huh.

Ah.

The ad was a complete mistake.
He put it in there.

The ad said someone who needs it -
well, I fucking need it.

What's going on?

I helped Jordan sell his dad's car
on the Ballymacnoose bulletin.

I thought it was for a good cause.

Daddy, did you hear what she said?
She needs the car!

- I do need the car.
- I need the car...

I never thought I'd say this,

but I think Jordan's become
a little too selfless.

Hmm, his self is,
like, completely gone.

He's become the Jor-Dalai Lama.

This is historical reparations
for your car famine.

- Thanks very much.
- If we don't learn from our past,

we'll never drive
towards a better future.

My Uncle Tony used to suck his balls
inside hiself as a Christmas

party trick when we were childer.

Maybe empathy balls work under
the same sort of general principles.

What was the principle behind
your uncle sucking his balls in?

To be the centre of attention, hai.

Everyone and their goose
wanted a glimpse

of Tony's famous flapping sack.

So if we can get Jordan to become
the centre of attention...

His empathy balls may
retract to whence they came.

And you are a dote!

Jordan! What are you doing?

- Look at you!
- That's lovely.
I'll take that, absolutely.

Daddy, she has children.

I know she has children...

Historical fact got him
into this mess,

maybe historical fact
will get him out of it.

I'm sorry, Lorcan, what did your
Uncle Tony do in front of children?

Ah! A day's a day, a day is
a Monday, a day is a Tuesday...

WOMAN KEENS, FIDDLE PLAYS LAMENT

MILDRED WAILS

MUSIC STOPS

A workhouse accident.

Flan was...

..quite a brave lad.

He squoze under the mangle
to fetch a piece of linen...

..got his tottie legs
caught in the gears.

His final words were...

HIGH—PITCHED VOICE: Ohh! Me legs!
Me legs!

Just how he was in life,

always smiling.

Sleep, my child.

Oh!

My beautiful blue-eyed boy!

Lovely wee legs bent
in all directions!

North, east, south, west.

But the blame points only to one.

Crushed by a machine, indeed -
the machine of greed,

the machine of England,

the machine of Marquess Harrington!

But I will tell you what, sir,

his father will not
go down so easily,

you limey, limp cock shagbag!

Grief can turn even
the best men sour.

First the blight.

Now your only child crumpled

by the gears of an
industrial-grade linen mangle.

Your family has literally
gone through the mill.

Without Master Flan's
workhouse earnings

I know that rent will be
hard to come by, but I believe

I have a new role that you
will both find most agreeable.

A new job, Prontius.

I am a good master, am I not?

Yes, master.

I have to protest glue myself
to McMullen's food bank at six,

so this better not take long.

Oh, it's just a new exhibit,
but I...

..I have a feeling
you're going to like it.

Come on!

Flatty Fair! Woo!

Tough crowd.

We have two very, very
flat fellas here today.

Go on, boys, turn around!
Show 'em, show 'em.

Oh, now, look at that.

Oh, God! Oh, wow, Jordan!

It looks like they really loved
flat bums back in the olden days.

You would have been
the centre of attention

with that cheese grater,
that's for sure.

So if there be any last-minute
impromptu volunteers from the crowd.

Anyone with a flat hole?

Did this actually used
to happen, Gemma?

Well, I mean, it's in a folk museum

so it kind of has
to have had, right?

Anybody at all?

Anybody at all?

Jordan, you know
it's really important

that we learn from the past.

How about you get up there
and put yourself in their shoes?

What do you say?

Put myself in the shoes
of a fella with a flat bum?

Come on! It's the flattest
bum I've ever seen

in my whole life, I swear.

Go on!

Get up there!

Anybody?

Get up there!

Hey! Jordan McCafferty, everyone!

Come on now! Yeah!

A gong farmer.

What's gong?

Piss and shit.

A piss and shit farmer.

Who wants to give this
young fellow a job to do?

Me, please!

I'd love to help out.

I... I think I would love to just
go back to doing the farmer stuff.

Some roles are more
important than others.

Some play Marquess Harrington,
some play Jesus Christ.

Your role is to clean shit.

That's the role you've
always been destined for.

You're a little shitmonger.

Do it with authenticity,

do it with grace,

and you will literally
be making history.

Good lad.

It's only a tiny piece, anyway.

Oh!

I'm up here in heaven now, Daddy.

I hope my sacrifice got
the nasty marquess off your back.

What the fuck?

What do you have in your hand?

It's a wee round shite.

I do little round shites.

Here, this is what you wanted.

I'm only doing
what you asked, Phillip.

I'm a wee gong...farmer.

I'm a wee gong farmer.

Prontius, Prontius,
we can work something out.

Phillip, Phillip, Phillip... Here,
folks, would yous like to see me

wash my entire fucking body with it?

Here, would you like a wee bit?

Hey, Callum,
this is not Museum Park protocol.

Phillip, I don't know what to tell
yer. I have lost the run of myself.

Hai!

Don't throw my own shit at me!

Does anyone want to help me
work it out?

Hey, hey, Callum,
it's Phillip talking.

Unhand the faeces.

Unhand the faeces!

Oh! Oh, my God!

You've got shit on my eye!

It's in my eyebrow!

I'm very sorry about that, Phillip.

- Very sorry.
- Do you think that's funny?

- Yeah.
- I'll tell you what's funny,
when Fran...
- Flan.

..lost his...was caught in the gears

and his legs were mashed up

and his knees were
popping like grapes!

Well, you know the thing
about that, Phillip?

Angels don't need knees...

OTHERWORLDLY MUSIC

..cos they've got wings, baby.

OTHERWORLDLY MUSIC

How do they land, huh?

Ah, you jogging away all happy

cos you can't answer the question!

How does an angel without legs land?

An arse so flat you could
use it to straighten shelves.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner!

CHEERS

- Hooray!
- Wooo!

We're so proud of you, Jordan!

My flat ass trophy.

It's funny, you know, it almost
makes it more meaningful

when it's the only thing I've got.

Well, we could chat to
the charity shops and see

if we can get
any of your stuff back, too.

Well, yeah, obviously. I don't want
to be a poor person any more.

Hey, I'm really
sorry about your job, Cally.

Ah, it's all right.

I think a job like that should be
left where it belongs -

history.

That is gorgeous.

Yeah. Guys, can I just quickly
say I am honestly

just so relieved that that is, like,

the only bad thing that happened
between England and Ireland.

I'd just... I wouldn't be able
to live with myself. I'd feel

so incredibly guilty if there was,
like, literally anything else.

I think that's enough
history for one day, huh?

Uh-huh.

What are you talking about?

Ahh, Jordan!

Don't worry about it. Come on.