All language subtitles for tpz-frasier919

There he is, Niles.

That's our Yorick.

He's perfect, Frasier.

The missing link
for our backyard production of Hamlet.

Exactly what I was thinking.

Now get up there.

- Why me?
- Because I'm the director, that's why.

Come on.

Just get up there.

- "Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him..."
- Knock it off. Ow.

- Are you okay?
- No.

You cracked my skull.

FRASIER:
May I get a double latte?

One shot decaf espresso,
one shot of regular espresso,

streamed low-fat milk
and some non-fat foam.

Sure.

Well?

He didn't even blink an eye.
The man's unflappable.

He's amazing, isn't he?

He made me a Chai Spice
Ristretto-Americano con Panna

as if people had been drinking them
for centuries.

Truly, this is a golden age.

Oh, did Dad tell you?
Our old house is on the market.

FRASIER:
It doesn't surprise me.

That whole area's undergoing
what they call a revitalization.

Of course, they'll probably just tear
it down and put up a Benetton.

Bath & Body Works
or Sunglass Hut.

I sort of like Bath & Body Works.

I do, too.

I had this crazy thought, Frasier.

What if we bought the house?

You mean as a rental property?

Perhaps. Or as a guest maisonette
for our out-of-town visitors.

- Daphne's mother, perhaps?
- Oh, hadn't thought of that.

That's a good idea.

Buy her a house
and she'll never leave.

You know, Niles, we could open it up
to the general public.

- That's not a bad idea. A warm bed...
- A freshly baked scone.

- A moderate fee.
- It would pay for itself.

As B and B.

If you two break into song,
I'm leaving.

- Hello, every...
- Roz, listen to this.

[YAWNS]

- I'm sorry.
- That's all right. Have a seat.

I just bought Alice a new hamster
and it's kept me up all night

running around
on that squeaky, damn wheel.

Why don't you get it
a quieter wheel?

- Or oil the squeak?
- Or take the wheel out at night?

Or put the cage in another room?

Thank you.

Where were you all
at 3 this morning

when I was trying to shove a Sominex
into a carrot?

I used to have the same problem
when I was raising showrats.

You don't mean the nasty,
plague-propagating vermin, do you?

No, I mean purebred rats,
as in Siamese or Himalayan or husky.

My most prized one
was an Andalusian Blue

named Lady Prissy
and she wasn't sick a day in her life.

So don't go blaming all rats
just because of a few bad apples.

A few bad apples?

Daphne, they spread a disease
that nearly wiped out half of Europe.

Shows what you know.

Those were
common European brown rats.

- Yes, but the point...
DAPHNE: Oh, no, no.

I'll sit here and listen to you
prattle on about wine and opera

but when it comes to rats,
you're in my house.

MARTIN: Old man Lasskopf
must have owned this place 50 years.

MARTIN: Wonder why he's selling.
- He can get 50 times what he paid.

Yeah, he sure knew how
to squeeze a penny.

You know, he never gave me back
my security deposit.

I might just bring that up.

Oh, no, you won't.

Once we turn this into a B and B,
you'll make it all back in tips.

What the hell is that supposed to...

Oh, Mr. Lasskopf,
so good to see you again.

It's been a long time.

What has?

- We used to rent this house from you.
- Yes.

I'm Niles Crane.
This is my brother Frasier and our dad.

You remember?

Nope.

Nope.

You sort of look familiar.

I should. Paid you rent for ten years,
left the place in perfect condition,

and you never gave me back
my security deposit.

Nope, don't remember you either.
Come on in.

Go ahead, Dad.

Oh, boy, this brings back memories.

Oh, Niles, do you remember

doing our homework
at the dining room table?

NILES:
Oh, yes.

Afternoon piano lessons.

Getting haircuts from your mother.

And Mom's roll-top desk
on this wall over here.

Where we wrote
all the Crane Boys Mysteries.

I can still see you pacing
in your writer's tweeds

and half glasses, dictating.

And you
in your shawl collar sweater,

hammering away at the keys
of that old Royal typewriter.

Oh, gosh.

When did those two crazy kids

become such a pair
of old fuddy-duddies?

Oh, Niles.

Do you remember, here's the window
we used to sneak out of after curfew.

Really? You did?
I never knew that.

Sure, Dad. We used to go out
and chase the girls

and have a drink or two.

Well, boys will be boys.

- Frasier.
- Hmm?

We didn't chase girls.
We went out to foreign films.

Do you think Dad wants to hear that?
Throw the guy a bone.

So, what made you finally decide
to sell?

- Moving to the Cayman Islands.
- That'll be a change from Seattle.

Gee, you think?

Hear they have great scuba diving
down there. You scuba?

Do I look like I scuba?

I'm lucky I don't need a tank
to breathe on land.

Just looking for a change of scenery,
huh?

Looking to be left alone.

I'm not what you call
a real social type.

You sure made friends
with my security deposit.

You know, Niles, you're right.

It's not big enough
for a bed and breakfast.

No, but it did give us a nice walk
down memory lane.

Yes.

Niles?

Didn't we stash a memory box
underneath one of these floorboards

right around here?

What? I thought you took that with you
when we moved.

I thought you took it.

- Do you suppose it's still here?
- Well, it must be.

Would you mind if my brother and I
had a look underneath here?

You see, we left a sort
of a time capsule underneath there.

Oh, no, you don't.
Nobody's pulling up any floor here.

No, we don't need to.
The board was loose.

There's no loose boards.

They've all been nailed down.
I made sure of that.

Couldn't we just check?
Look, I came here to sell this place,

not have it torn apart.

So are you serious buyers
or are we wasting our time here?

Allowing us to reclaim a small part
of our past is hardly a waste of time.

Well, it sounds like a load
of tomfoolery to me.

- Let's go.
FRASIER: Mr. Lasskopf,

I assure you my brother and I
give tomfoolery no quarter.

- We never have.
LASSKOPF: Oh, no?

What do you call sneaking out
to drink and chase girls?

No, no, no, that wasn't true.
We went out to see foreign films.

I knew it.

No, no, wait.

NILES:
There we go.

Well done, Frasier.

- You've still got it.
- Thank you, Niles.

It's just like riding a bicycle.

- Here we go.
- All right,

let's just find our memory box
and get the hell out of here.

Now, I think it's around here
somewhere, hmm?

It's, uh...

I've got it. I've got it. I've got it.
It's right there. This one, this one.

FRASIER:
Okay, okay.

- Let's see if I can get this in here.
- That's it. There it is.

- Good.
- Right. Oh, my gosh.

Imagine that.

That's it, that's it. I'll get that.
Yes, good. Well done.

- Aha.
- Well done, Frasier.

Yeah, I think that's as far as it'll go.

All right, reach your hand in there
and see what you can find.

I'm not going to put my hand
down there. There could be rats.

Maybe they're just
down-on-their-luck showrats.

I know. What was that?

Don't ask me. You're marrying her.
All right, I'll do it.

All right. Careful, careful.

All right, all right, I can see anything.
Oh, no, it's not there, is it?

Well, I don't know.
Hang on a minute.

- What?
- Hang on. Wait, wait, wait.

- Yeah?
- Wait. My God. My God.

- Wait a minute.
- Yeah.

There's something. Hang on, hang on.
Yeah, here it is.

[GASPING]

- Oh, my God, Niles, look!
- Don't give it to me!

Is that real?

It certainly feels real.

Well, what's it doing under the floor?

Well, how the hell should I know?

I wonder who it could be.

Well, perhaps it's a builder
who got trapped during construction.

Or...

an exterminator
who was overcome with fumes.

Interesting hypotheses, Niles.
Unfortunately, neither is plausible.

- Why not?
- Because, Niles,

when you die your head
doesn't pop off like a champagne cork.

It remains attached to the spine.

And look here, Niles.

The temporal bone
has been fractured...

As if struck by a blunt object.

So perhaps the poor fellow met his end
in some sort of violent accident.

Violent, yes.

But an accident?

Murder.

Murder most foul.

DAPHNE:
Hey, Roz, Alice, come on in.

Hey, Martin. Is Frasier home?

No, he and Niles went out.
Wine club or something.

- Uh, will he be back soon?
- Hard to say.

Is everything all right?
You seem edgy.

- Can I talk to you in the kitchen?
- Of course.

Martin, can Alice watch TV with you
for a second?

Oh, sure she can.

What kind of TV do you like?

- Cartoons.
MARTIN: Oh, really?

Your mom lets you watch that?

The anvils and dynamite,

and people falling over cliffs
and things?

Great. Then you should be
all over this hockey game.

So, what's up?

Do you remember Alice's hamster
I told you about?

- Yes. Still keeping you awake?
- Not anymore.

The dog ate it.

Well, half of it.

Oh, no. Something like that happened
when I was a girl.

One of our cats
got into one of my rat cages

and took Little Lord Pinkbottom
right out of show business.

Well, I don't mind the hamster dying.

I just don't know how to break it
to Alice.

She's never had anything die before.

Well, how did your parents explain it
to you?

[SIGHS]

The wrong way.
When I was 6 my canary died.

And that evening
my dad sat on the bed next to me

and said, "Dying is just going to sleep
and never waking up."

Then he turned off the light
and said good night.

Well, I'm sure Dr. Crane
will have some good advice

on how to handle this.

Yeah. I mean,
I know we kid him and stuff

but when it comes right down to it, he's
one of the smartest people I know.

One thing is certain.

Someone is very dead.

Well, Poirot, you've done it again.

Look, can we just put that thing down
and call the police?

No, no, no, hang on a minute, Niles.

This skull's been underneath there
for a long time now.

What's another hour gonna hurt?

Niles, we've got
a real Crane Boys Mystery here.

Why don't we see
if we can dig up a few more clues?

All right, fair enough, uh, here.

All right, so, what do we know?

- We have a victim or part of one.
FRASIER: Correct.

Can we establish motive?

- Not without knowing the victim.
- Correct.

Can we establish opportunity?

- Whose opportunity?
- Whose indeed?

It would have to be someone
who's had access

to this house over the years.

We can rule out Mom and Dad.

Of course. What would you and I
be doing with a human skull?

Oh, wait, Niles.

Oh, dear God, we're idiots.

Why are we idiots?

Niles, use your brain.

Think back to elementary school.

I'm not following.

Don't you remember?

That was about the time when...

Mrs. Lasskopf disappeared.

Oh, my God, you're right.

And, you know, they used to fight
all the time.

Yes. And then suddenly
she stopped coming around.

L... I always thought
that was because they split up.

Did they?

Or did he split her up?

Cutting off her head and hands
so that the body couldn't be identified

by dental records or fingerprints.

I don't know, Frasier,
that's pretty out there.

Although...

It would explain why Lasskopf
didn't want us poking around

under the floor.

Frasier,
we have a victim and a suspect.

All right, not so fast, Niles.

Are you forgetting ltem 1

from Top Truths for Teen Sleuths,
A Crane Boys Mysteries Workbook?

"A case is rarely elementary,

- but always evidentiary."
FRASIER: Yes, exactly.

The only evidence we have
is the skull.

Niles...

Hand me those tools.

Unless I miss my guess,
this floor isn't done talking.

Niles, you'll never guess
what I just found in the...

Niles, where are you?

I'm here.

I found our memory box

and I think this rock could be
the murder weapon.

Why that rock
instead of all the other rocks?

It's pointier.

Drop the rock, Niles.

The garage has given up something
far more interesting.

Take a look at this.

Financial statements.

[GASPS]

Well, it appears the Lasskopfs
had quite a windfall.

Yes, and it was just before the time
they asked us to leave.

I see, I see. So he killed her,

collected the insurance money,
and then evicted us

so he'd have a safe place
to dispose of the body.

Bravo, Niles. But, no.

Insurance is messy.

They require a body
and a death certificate

before they'll pay off.

And messier still,
he would have had to kill her,

conceal her body, get rid of us,
and then bring the body back here.

If that's not insurance, then...

- Inheritance.
- Exactly!

Her parents die
and leave everything to her.

Which means that now
the Lasskopfs want for nothing,

but she's the provider.

And never misses an opportunity
to remind him of it.

- He's emasculated.
- Desperately.

And so he hatches a plan.

"Darling,
why don't we evict the Cranes?

We don't need their rent money
anymore."

"No,
thanks to my family's frugal nature

and untimely death."

And so out go the Cranes
and the house is empty.

"Darling,

why don't we go and see
in what condition

the Cranes have left the house?"
Hmm?

"You go, you lazy parasite.
I'm having my nails done."

I mean, "Okay."

So...

In they stroll.

He with murderous intent,

she with nary an inkling
of the tragedy about to befall her.

He pretends to inspect the house.

"Darling...

Why what's this mark over here
on the wall?"

- "Where?"
- "There.

Look.

Closer.

Closer."

And as she leans in,
he does her in!

"No, Alfred, no!"
Oh, that makes perfect sense.

We have a victim. We have a motive.
And we have evidence for both.

If only we had a murder weapon
to tie it together.

Niles, don't you remember?
As in many a Crane Boys case,

the absence of a weapon
does not mean the absence of a crime.

Perhaps he pushed her
down the stairs

as in
The Case of the Unhappy Landing.

I thought the title gave it away.

Hmm. Well, then we can rename it
once we have them published.

- You think that would ever happen?
- Are you kidding?

Once this hits the papers.

I'm just gonna go down
and check on the laundry.

If Alice wakes up,
keep an eye on her.

- What happened to Roz?
- Alice's hamster died

so Roz nipped out to the store
to get her a new one.

Sure. No problem.

Where's Mommy?

Oh, hi, hon.
Your mom will be right back.

Can we watch hockey?

Uh, well, the game's over,
sweetheart.

Canadiens won, by the way,
so you owe me ten bucks.

I miss my hamster.

I know you do, sweetheart.

I'm sure he's up in hamster heaven
missing you too.

What is hamster heaven?

Well, that's where hamsters go
when they die.

Mommy said he was lost.

Oh. Oh. Oh, no.

When will he come back?

Oh, boy.

Well, when a hamster goes
to hamster heaven, it can't come back.

But that's okay.

- Why?
- Oh, because it's great up there.

They got exercise wheels
on every corner.

And the streets are paved with...

- What do hamsters eat?
- Hamster food.

Ah, well, that's what the streets
are paved with.

And there aren't any cats
to chase him.

- Does cats have a heaven too?
- Oh, sure.

Yeah, same deal, except no wheels
and their streets are paved with fish.

- What about dogs?
- Yeah, dogs, too.

Just about all animals
have a heaven.

Is Eddie going?

Oh, no, not... No, not Eddie.

Not for a long time, anyway.
I mean, he's really still just a puppy.

How old is he?

He's about ten.

That's not a puppy.

Uh, hey, why don't we see
if there are any cartoons on TV?

- Look who's here.
- Hey, everybody.

Look, Alice.
Look what Mommy found.

A new hamster.

New?

What makes you think he's new?

Because animals don't come back
from heaven.

- Right, Uncle Martin?
- Right.

We sort of had a little talk.

- You what?
- Well, look, I didn't mean...

Having little talks with Alice
is my territory, not yours.

Well, look, it was an accident.
Like I said, I'm sorry.

Okay.

But death is a tough concept
for a kid.

I don't want her to be scared
or confused.

I like this one better.

Well, I guess she'll pull through.

- Thanks for handling it.
- No problem.

Come on, Alice.

Good night, Martin.

- Good night, Roz. Good night, Alice.
- Good night, Uncle Martin. Bye Eddie.

Here, boy.

Oh, my God.

My house.

- What have you done to my house?
- Is this the man you told me about?

Yes, it is, officer.

Well, what the hell's going on?

We dug up your wife.
That's what's going on.

You dug up my wife?

I'll bet you thought nobody ever would,
didn't you?

No!

Well, you didn't count
on the Crane boys.

But, how could you?

Oh, a little luck
and some simple deductive reasoning.

That's enough questions out of you.

I think this officer here has a few
questions he'd like to ask you himself.

That's right, sir.
Come this way, Mr. Lasskopf.

- Nice work, men.
- Yeah.

Well, Niles...

Another Crane Boys Mystery solved.

NILES:
Wait till we tell Dad.

[FRASIER LAUGHS]

Hey, wait, Niles.
We almost forgot our memory box.

We never even looked inside here.

- Oh, Niles, look.
- Oh.

This is the programme
for our backyard production of Hamlet.

- I'd totally forgotten about that.
- So had I.

You know, Niles...

We may owe Mr. Lasskopf
an apology.

[MOUTHING WORDS]
Let's go.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]