All language subtitles for everybody_hates_chris_s03e17_everybody

( Inner Circle's "Bad Boys"
playing )

� Bad boys, what you want �

CHRIS: Typically, in the barber shop,
I heard good news.

Did you hear? They renewed The
Jeffersons for another season.

I love me some Weezie,
boy. Whoo.

Did you hear
the Voyager 2 space probe

had its first encounter
with Uranus?

But on this day, I got
the worst news I could imagine.

Did y'all hear?

Malvo is out of prison.

Malvo was the career criminal

that I had helped put away.

But like the Terminator,

everybody knew he'd be back,

and they were ready.

Shoot, I put extra locks
on my doors.

I put two locks on my bike.

I locked up my locks.

I ain't scared of Malvo.

This is called
"barber shop courage."

MAN:
Hey, Chris.

Chris,
Malvo's looking for you.

Say what?

� What you gonna do
When they come for you? �

� Bad boys, bad boys �

� What you gonna do?
What you gonna do �

Somebody help.

( grunts )

CHRIS:
Let me in! Please.

( sobbing )

Malvo. Where you been?

Jail.
Yep, that's where you were.

Yeah, well, now I'm out.

And I need you
to help me.

I could only imagine

what he wanted help with.

( gunshots )

Drive, boy! Drive!

( tires squeal )

Help with what?

Look...

you the smartest person I know.

Sad but true.

So I need you to help me
to get into high school.

Why you wanna break into school?
There's nothing worth stealing.

I know. I made
that mistake before.

He was sentenced to stealing
a book about sentences.

I don't wanna break in
to high school,

I wanna get
into high school.

That'll be the first step
to turning my life around.

What do you want from me?

I want you to tutor me.

Why don't you
just take the GED?

I don't want no GED.

I want the complete experience.

I wanna sit at the desk.

I wanna smell the textbooks
and the chalk,

and I wanna be
with the other kids,

frolicking.

Sounds like
Michael Jackson's diary.

I-- I don't mean
to make you mad

or anything...

but--

Hypothetically speaking,
what would happen if I said no?

Nothing.

I'm trying to change.

It's not
like I'll beat you up

or stab you or anything.

That's how Ike proposed
to Tina.

Oh. Well, then,
in that case...

my answer would have to be...

no.

Run.

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

� Oh, make it funky now �

The men in my family
love baseball,

and even though
we lived in New York,

my dad's favorite team
was the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Hey, son,
what you listening to?

The Mets. They're my new
favorite baseball team.

No!

What did you say?

They're, like, the best team
in the league.

They're probably gonna
win the World Series.

What about the Dodgers?

What about 'em?

They hired Jackie Robinson.

So?

Don't you realize that
without the Dodgers,

there'd be no black
people in baseball?

The Dodgers
are from Brooklyn.

The Dodgers
have famous hot dogs.

The Dodgers
have better logos.

The Dodgers marched
with Dr. King.

I don't care.
I still like the Mets.

I guess you can buy
your own food and clothing.

Mature.

Wait, Dad,
don't be like that.

I mean, just admit it.

The Mets are a better team
than the Dodgers.

My father believed
in the Dodgers so much,

he did the unthinkable.

You want to put
some money on it?

A bet?

Yeah.

The Dodgers
are in town this weekend

against the Mets,
for three games.

We'll see who's
the better team.

How much?

A dollar.

Okay, you're on.

Take this in the house.

( man speaking indistinctly
over radio )

Back at the barber shop,
everybody wanted to know

how I was still alive.

And you said no?

Yeah. Ain't nobody scared
of Malvo.

Except you. Uh.
I would have never said no.

Mm.

Mm, what? What do you mean?

Well, the man was asking
for your help,

and you turned him down.
Sometimes people need a hand.

Now, back when I
had my troubles,

if it wasn't
for Supercuts Johnson,

I don't know where I'd be today.
Supercut Johnson?

Who's that?

Any relation
to Jheri curl Johnson?

He was a barber when I
was doing time in prison.

He used to cut hair
on death row.

Why would you want
to get your hair cut

when you're on death row?

You was in the joint?
Oh, yeah.

Man, what did you do?

You know that tag
on the mattress

that says "Do not pull off"?
I pulled that thing off.

Do not pull that tag off,
man.

They are not playing
with y'all.

So Supercuts Johnson
taught you how to cut hair?

Not only that, he taught me
that everybody deserves

a second chance.

Huh. Well, where is he now?
MANNY: Oh, he's dead.

He got the chair.
But he looked good.

So do you think Malvo deserves
a second chance?

Look, your life
is on the line, man.

Do you think he needs
a second chance?

Think about it.

Latrinda, those
are some nice earrings.

My mom would never
let me wear those.

My mama don't know.
These are hers.

I wear her stuff all the time.

Can I try 'em on?

Yeah.

[�]

Hey, ladies.

What are y'all up to?
Nothing.

Thank you so much
for letting me come over

and play with Tonya.

ROCHELLE:
On, no problem, Latrinda.

I'm happy she finally has
somebody nice to play with.

You guys come on downstairs.
I'm making some snacks.

If I helped Malvo,
maybe someday

he would help someone else.

Or at least kill
one less person.

Can't you see I'm trying
to better myself?

Malvo.
What?

I decided to help you.

I ain't gonna be needing you
after all, Four Eyes.

Get out of here.

I thought you said you
weren't gonna beat anybody up.

I wasn't beating him up,
I was threatening him.

He'd gone from a felony
to a misdemeanor.

That was progress.

All right.
Well, let's get started.

Okay.
Ow.

When I told my parents
about Malvo,

they insisted
on talking to him,

but they were prepared
for anything.

I made you all a bean pie.

Oh. Thank you.

No. Thank you. Thank you all
for having me over.

No problem.
I-It was our pleasure.

So, I understand you
want our son to help you

get into high school.
Yes, sir.

Well, you do realize
it's not a school to get high?

Yes, ma'am. I figure if
I'm gonna turn my life around,

it starts with education.

That's nice.
Education is good.

So what do you plan on doing
with this education?

Well, short-term,

I was thinking
about becoming a male nurse.

ROCHELLE:
Male nurse. That's good.

You know, not many of those.

( laughs )

That way, he can care for you

after he beats
the hell out of you.

Long-term, I was thinking
about becoming an astronaut.

Ooh. That's way up there.
( imitates rocket )

( both laughing )
Sky's the limit.

He wanted to be the first man
to steal things in space.

You know, Malvo, we--
We really appreciate

what you're
trying to do.

JULIUS:
Yeah, but, um,

we kind of don't like
the idea

of our son hanging out with a--

Ex-con.
Ex-con, yeah.

I understand, sir.

But all I want
is a second chance.

I mean,
if I can turn my life around

and become a guy like you,

the world
will see me differently.

No, they won't.

Congratulations.

( both laugh nervously )

Good luck.

Yeah. Good luck.

Good luck.

So, uh, Malvo,
do you have all your records?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Those were lost
in a school fire.

I don't know
why he's doing quotes.

He actually set
the school on fire.

Well, you know, I-- I work
for the Department of Records.

Maybe I could help you find,
you know,

some copies of yours.

That would be great.
I'd be most gracious.

"Most gracious."

Good word.

Come on, man.

( knocking on door )
Malvo was trying to do right,

but wrong was knocking
at our door.

Can I help you?

Yeah, you Tonya's mother?

Yes, I am. Who are you?

I'm Alyson.
I'm Latrinda's mother.

I'm here to talk to you
about what your daughter did.

Well,
what did my daughter do?

Well, she talked
my little Latrinda

into going to see
an R-rated movie

and I don't appreciate it.

I don't appreciate that outfit.

Well, that does not sound
like my Tonya,

but I promise you I'll get
down to the bottom of it.

Yeah, you do that.

I miss Salt-N-Pepa.

What happened at the movies?
What do you mean?

Latrinda's mother just came here

and told me you dragged her
to an R-rated movie.

No, that's not what happened.

Latrinda's mother
was supposed

to come with us
to see Police Academy 3,

but she just dropped us off,

so Latrinda
wanted to sneak in

to some movie called
Kiss of the Spider Woman,

and they had all nasty killing
and stuff in there,

and I didn't wanna see it,
so I left.

Mm-hm.

I was used to seeing
Malvo getting booked,

not reading one.

Hey, Chris.

Hey, Malvo.
Where you going?

Down to Greenwich Village
to play Scrabble in the park.

What have you got there,
an abacus?

No.

Well, it's obviously
not an abalone.

What are you talking about?

I'm just practicing
my new words.

Oh, well, listen, man,

my mom pulled up your records.

There's no way you can get
into high school.

Why not?

You never graduated
junior high school.

Now I feel abysmal.

Nothing sadder
than a depressed gangster.

Since I didn't know how to get
Malvo past the eigth grade,

I decided to ask
a professional.

Chris, this is wonderful.

You're like
a one-man Operation PUSH.

Thank you.

And Malvo,
with the proper education,

you could do so many things.

You could be
a garbage collector,

garbage truck driver,

garbage truck dispatcher.

The list is endless.

So what do you think
we should do next?

I've got an idea.

Why don't you sit in,

which your people have
historically been good at,

and audit my class?

"Audit" means to attend classes
or lectures as an auditor.

Auditor means hearer
or listener.

Yes.

So how would
that help him?

Well, if he's preparing
for an equivalency test,

he needs
classroom experience.

It'll help him
get acclimated.

Acclimated: "To accustom

or to become accustomed
to a new climate

or an environment."
( laughs )

Thank you,
Ms. Morello.

Yes, thank you.

Chris, I think this
is a great way for you

to get your father
off the streets.

And in her bed.

Back home,
my father was realizing

that these weren't
Jackie Robinson's Dodgers.

( man speaking over radio )
Yes! Ha.

The Mets win again.

Looks like you
owe me a dollar.

My father was a strong man,
but right then,

that dollar weighed a ton.

Double or nothing?

You want to let it ride?

Let it ride.

Malvo was a big hit in school.

Now, when you're on the yard,
it's all about attitude.

If you don't think you're tough,
somebody might shank you,

so you think you're tough?

Yeah, yeah,
I think I'm tough.

And I'm ready for recess.

Yeah, bring it on!

Nice rag, Bobby Joe.

At least he didn't shank you.

( chatter )

( laughing )

That was sweet.

You gonna do it like that?

( children screaming )
Huh?

I'll kill.

Who can name
the five characteristics

of an ecosystem?

I see one hand.

Class?

Anybody else?

Your mama's so fat she left
a ring around the lake.

And your mama's teeth
are so yellow,

when she smiles,
cars slow down.

And your mama's so black

that she uses Armor All
instead of lotion.

You talkin' about
my mama?

No.

No, that's a good joke,
man.

( all laugh )

Chris, Malvo,

I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.

What is it?
Malvo,

there was a background check
done on you,

and it was discovered

you were just released
from prison.

And although

I find this dance with danger

exciting and titillating,

other people are scared
out of their minds,

and they want you out.

What other people?

Let's just say
the higher authorities.

Let's just say
the white people.

Now how am I supposed
to get into high school?

This is like if BET made
an after school special.

Now I was on my own trying

to get Malvo through
this process,

but Malvo was making progress.

What year was
the Magna Carta signed?

1215.

You got another one right.
Yeah.

Hey.
I was just wondering

how studying
was coming along.

MALVO: Good.
Yeah, Malvo's doing great.

Okay, just checking on you.

Go back to studying.

Okay, um,
the Battle of Hastings?

1066.

You, sir, are smarter
than a ninth-grader.

And you're only 32.
( laughs )

And now another installment
of Parenting for Dummies.

Where's my daughter?

At R-Kelly's house.

Now, how would I know?

Well, I called Latrinda
from work.

She says Tonya's coming over.

I get to the house,
nobody's there,

so, obviously, Tonya dragged
her off to God knows where.

So you're telling me that
Latrinda's gone off someplace

and you think Tonya
has something to do with it?

Uh, yeah.

Tonya?

Yes, Mama?

Do you have any idea
where Latrinda is?

No.

Don't lie to me.

She's at Black Paul's house.

ROCHELLE: Black Paul?
Black Paul.

Oh, Lordy, not Black Paul.

She asked me to go with her
and I said I couldn't come.

Does this answer
your question?

Yeah, thank you.

Oh, um, excuse me.

Does, um--

Does Tonya know where, exactly,
Black Paul lives?

Next door
to Brown Willy's house.

You and I need
to talk.

Yeah. I'll be back.

ANNOUNCER ( over radio ): And here's
the pitch. Strike three called!

And that's the ball game
as the Mets win again

against the Dodgers!
Yes. I win again. Ha.

And that's two in a row--

Double or nothing.

Double or nothing?

On two dollars?

That's right.
Double or nothing.

Got yourself a bet.

ANNOUNCER:
Five runs batted in.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

[�]

You know, she knows I don't
like her hanging out with Paul.

I mean, that girl acts
like she can do

whatever she wanna do.

Well,
maybe she's not acting.

What?

You know, I think you're
setting a bad example for her.

Maybe you need
to grow up.

What are you
talking about?

I mean,
look at yourself, Alyson.

You running around here
looking like Salt-N-Pepa,

while your daughter's
running the streets

and we out looking
for Mr. Goodbar.

Look, you don't know me, okay?

You don't know nothing
about me.

You know what?
You right.

Maybe I'm the one
who's crazy.

I need to be more like you,
you know?

Gritty.

Living on the edge.
You know?

Crazy, sexy, cool.

Funky, fresh.

You know what? To hell with
these nappy-headed kids, girl.

Let's go out and--
And spray paint a wall.

Let's buy a knife
and trade it for a gun.

Matter of fact,
let's sell some blood, girl.

What you,
A-positive or O?

You know what? Maybe we should
get pregnant again.

Let's have another--
Or maybe

you should just
mind your own business.

It was do or die for Malvo.

Either he was gonna
pass his test

or the world would have
one less astronaut.

TEACHER: The answers
are all multiple choice.

So make sure you fill in
all circles completely.

Keep your eyes
on your own paper.

If you cheat, you leave.

( mouthing words )

Well?

I scored
in the 70 percentile.

I passed.

Congratulations.
Thanks, Chris, man,

I couldn't have did it
without you.

When nobody else believed in me,
you did.

You the wind beneath my wings.

And he was the convict
beneath my nightmares.

Despite the awkwardness
of this moment,

I was really happy
I helped Malvo.

Things were looking good
for Malvo,

but bad for my father.

ANNOUNCER ( on TV ):
The Mets win again,

completing the three-game
sweep of the Dodgers.

And the Dodger--

It's a sad day,
isn't it?

I mean, it's got to be hard
when you realize

that your team
is second best.

I mean, the team you loved
your whole life

since you were a little boy.

Here's your $4.

Don't talk to me.

Ow.

Hey.

Um, I--

I just came by
to apologize.

Really?

Yeah, Latrinda went and got
herself in more trouble.

You know, she said if it was
okay for me to act this way,

then why wasn't it okay for her?

That's a good question.

Well, what did you tell her?
I just told her-- I said,

"I'm your mother and if
you don't straighten up,

"then I'm gonna knock the
medulla out of your oblongata."

That's what I'm talking about.

Good for you, girl.

Yeah. So, um--
Anyway, I just--

I just wanted to say thank you

for talking to me
the way that you did. It--

It really helped.

Any time.

And you know, who knows?
Maybe sometimes Latrinda

can come over again and play--
Take care, girl.

So you enjoying my $4?

Oh,
that's long gone.

Boy, what can you blow
$4 on that fast?

Actually, it was five,

but...

I figured you were worth it.

For the number one fan of the
number two team in baseball.

Thanks.

This tender moment
should not be diminished,

but later that day

my father returned that hat,

got his $5 back

and ended up a dollar up
on the deal.

( Run DMC's "Hard Times"
playing )

Hey, Malvo,
how's it going?

Pretty good, pretty good.

I made a decision and I wanted
to tell you about it first.

About high school?

Yeah. I'm not going.

What?

What are you talking about?

Getting into high school is
harder than getting into jail.

You got to obey
all these rules,

you got to fill out forms,

you got to stand in line
to get licenses for things.

What was all this about then?

Why'd you put me
through all this?

Well, I thought my life
would be better

if I wasn't in trouble,
and it is better,

but I'm bored, Chris.

I mean, when we were studying

and working on stuff together,

it was exciting.

But to tell you the truth,
Chris, I'm okay at being right,

but I'm an expert
at being wrong.

Malvo, you can't do this
to me, man.

I mean, what about
all my hard work?

Yeah, I appreciate that.

That's why I'm not
robbing you anymore.

Thanks.

I'm robbing the store.

Now, give me all the money.

� Everybody hates Chris �

( funky hip-hop theme playing )