Original subtitles

[man's voice] What was that? Where is the captain and the girl?

[rumbling and heavy breathing]

[suspenseful music]

-[1st man] Where's the cross? -[2nd man] The cross?

[1st man] It's gone!

-[electric sparks] -[explosion]

[woman panting]

[screams] -Get on with it! -No please stop!

No! If you stop, we die! Now come along, faster! Come along!

-[woman screaming] -[roaring and flashing]

-[woman] What have you done? What have you done! -[man] Shut up!

[woman panting heavily]

[both screaming together] [lightning flashes]

-[roaring and rumbling] -[blood spatters]

[flashing]

-[woman panting and breathless] -[man grunting and breathless]

[high pitched piercing sound]

[woman protesting]

-[heavy breathing] -Just throw it away sir, maybe that's what it wants.

-No, no!- -[woman shrieking]

I've come too far.

-Without this, I can never gain access to the cauldron. -[woman screaming]

Look, there's a cottage up ahead. Perhaps we can hide there.

It's killed seven of us already. Just throw it away now. Please sir.

-It's not worth it! Sir! -It doesn't matter anymore.

[rumbling noise]

[screams and blood spatter]

[screams, blood spatter and dripping]

[rumbling]

[upbeat music]

[Roger] Hey Brian, you ever been to a stag night before?

[Brian] Yes Roger I have, and I don't want any silly shit.

[cheering and laughter]

Okay guys, time to figure out rules.

Number one. Whatever happens here this weekend, stays here.

Number two. No cell phones, no disruptions.

So give them up, and get them out.

[man burps loudly]

Fancy a hit mate?

Oh sorry, I forgot I've seen you at rehab.

-[laughs together] -[sighs]

-[can opening] -Charles, it's your brother's weekend,

and he asked me to take care of things for him.

So for the next 48hours, you forget about all the shit between you guys,

And behave. You got that?

Yo bachelor boy.

[dance music]

-I love you man. I love you! -[crowd cheering]

Great!

[cheering continues]

-Yo big boy, give me your brick. -[sighs]Boring.

We are, now entering the famous sight of Mortens Gibb.

Legend has it, that they buried him alive.

[gasps together]

Supposedly, it is protected by a guardian, dark guardian.

If disturbed... He will kill!

-[everyone gasps] -A bit like my ex-wife.

[simultaneous laughter]

[intense music]

[tires scrunching]

[driver] Okay boys, that's as far as we go.

Van gone away, now we park.

-[door slides open] -[upbeat music]

Hey boys, wait for me.

You've got to be shitting me.

[distant mumbling]

Just like old times hey bud.

Just woods, and the Weekend Warriors.

Yeah.

-Boys ready, point! -[camera flash]

[ominous music]

-[knocking] -[door creaks]

[whistling, cheering and laughter]

[dog barking]

[knocks and opens door]

Hi, I'm err, Roger Hooper.

[old lady] You're late.

-[inhales deeply] -I'm the bridegroom.

[old lady] I'd never have guessed.

-[shuffles] -[nervous chuckle]

-[old lady] All ten of you, right? -As agreed.

Excellent.

-[inhales deeply] -Fellow student of history I see

Archaeology, actually.

Of course, of course.

-And this must be the map of some local digs- -[old lady] No!

Have you ever played paintball before?

[laughs]

We're the Weekend Warriors.

-[acoustic guitar] -The weak.

[chuckles]

We came tenth in the league.

-Tenth, aha. -But, we, we...

-[inhales deeply] -We... Were good.

Outstanding.

[typing]

William!

-[singing] -[splash, gasp]

[simultaneous laughter]

Damsel in distress!

-[grunts] -[laughter continues]

Look at the pretty boy's favorite position.

[laugher continues]

[shrugs]

-[buzz] -[cuckoo clock]

[door opening]

About time.

Holy giant!

You'll have to excuse my kid brother, he's a little slow.

Err, could you take care of these, err phones?

Sure.

William, why don't you show our guests to the gun shed? They want to play.

[chuckles nervously]

[slow footsteps departing]

[door closes, bag drops]

[eerie music]

[distant chatter and laughter]

Hey man, what's up?

-[sighs] -Santos, what am I doing?

About what, nigga?

[shrugs] I don't know. Life, the wedding, work.

Wedding, the wedding. Everything.

[upbeat music]

[meat sizzling]

Hey.

[distant laughter]

[disagreeable sighs]

[music stops]

[funky music]

[multiple squirts]

-[squirts continue] -[distant cheers]

-[deflating] -[shots continues]

-[inhales deeply] -We need to talk.

[moans agreeably]

I mean I love her and everything but, this is my life you know-

And then there's always the responsibility of somebody else to look after-

What else, your profession, I'm a history teacher, I don't earn that much you know.

[gasps]

Then she's going to want to have kids you know,

Maybe I'm rushing into this Santos, maybe I should just, give the whole thing up?

Look. I'd give it all up.

The money, the houses, the cars.

The beaches, the drugs. In an instance, to have what you've got-

Santos! You're a postman. Okay!

-Now, the problem is, that I don't believe- -What are you talking about?

[birds crying]

Do I look like a fucking postman to you?

Yeah okay. Five years ago, I was a postman.

But now, I'm an international drug entrepreneur.

Santos, you still deliver post to my house every day for Christ's sake.

-It's a front! -Whatever!

The problem is, is that marriage is like a business you know, you sign contracts for life.

What happens when she says to me 'to love and obey', and she doesn't even mean it?

-[exhales deeply] -Santos.

You are one of my oldest friends, alright?

I couldn't care less whether you're a postman, a drug dealer or a milkmaid.

-But you're not going to tell the others are you? -[sighs deeply]

[ominous music]

-On Lemmas Eve, make it so. -[evil chuckle]

[rumbling and wings flapping]

What was that?

-Kids, Tokis? -Tokis? Come on

-He's coming! -[eerie music]

[owls hooting]

-[chanting] -Look at that's knights templar!

Oh my God, they've reformed Santos!

-[heavy breathing] -[templar knight] In the name of the ancient Gods-

[templar knight] This is a time, that is not a time,

In a place, that is not a place.

-I call upon the power, of fire, water and earth. -[woman breathing heavily]

To witness this ceremony.

And by the virtue of those present-

[Santos] Brian come back here and stop them.

[Brian] It's the chant, I've got to stop this, I've got to stop it!

-[Brian] They've got girls down there Santos, do something! -[Santos] Easy man-

[inaudible chanting]

[electrical volt and rumbling]

-Lord, I humbly offer the blood of these virgin brides. -[heavy breathing]

-[templar knight] On this Lemmas Eve for you. -[panicking]

[screaming]

-[templar knight] Pretty, pretty, pretty prepare to die! -[screaming continues]

-[templar knight] Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty- -[screaming continues]

[men screaming]

[templar knight] What! Our ancient fellowship must remain secret-

Brothers, you will learn the error of these ways. Prepare to die!

-Santos! -[chanting and screaming]

-[screaming and struggling] -[woman] What are you doing?

-[stabbing and screaming] -[incoherent speech]

[rumbling intensifies]

[rock music]

[laughter]

Hi guys.

-How are we? What's happening? -[laughter and cheering]

-[groans] -The girls! What?

[simultaneous laughter]

This fine female, is Ginger. And this young lady, is Blossom.

-Now take it easy on them, alright? -[crowd laughing]

-Bastards! Traitors! -[laughter continues]

-[giggles and drops stick] -Let's get wasted baby, hmm?

-[Ginger] You're so naughty. -Let's have a good time.

-[incoherent chatter] -Guys, you can't leave me here!

-Nice tail 'pony boy'. -What?

-[shrill laughter] -[groaning]

-[pants and moans] -Bastards.

[wolf howling]

-[struggles] -Charles! Roger!

-[rumbling] -[explosion]

[shuffling and panting]

[Brian] Hey, it's my party.

[intense abrupt music]

[music ceases]

[wolf howling]

Charles! Charles!

[loud thunder]

Better work.

[struggles and grunts]

[Brian] Jesus Christ- Jesus, What the-

[mumbling]

[footsteps and heavy breathing]

[grunting and groaning]

[cursing]

-[leaves rustling] -[screams]

[incoherent speech]

[opens door, slow footsteps]

-[exhales] -Brilliant!

[loud cheering and laughter]

I chewed through these like a bloody rat!

[inhales deeply]

Oh, yes...

[laughter continues]

-[pop] -[gasp and breathes heavily]

Whoever is responsible for this, can have it back.

-[crowd] Yeah! -Mike!

[whistling and cheering]

[shrugs]

Alright sleazies, it's sparkle time.

[cheesy 70's music]

[cheering and coaxing]

That's it, come on, come on, girl shake that booty.

[laughing and cheering]

Get off!

[sexy music]

There we go, work it, work it, oh yeah!

[cheering and laughter continues]

Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's it.

[plop]

What are you looking at man?

[loud crash]

[footsteps on creaking floorboard]

Well?

They said it?

[grunts in agreement]

The chant?

Are you sure?

[grunts agreeably again]

Then it's all set.

Get the tools out of the 4X4.

We're getting out of here little brother.

[grunts in agreement]

-[descending footsteps on creaking floorboard] -Better work.

[deep snort]

[incoherent background chatter]

[cheesy 70's music]

This one, the big one, is for the groom only.

Let's get him.

[cheering and toasting]

Do we understand each other baby?

[paper dropping]

[laughter]

What, this one's for me?

[snorts loudly]

[sniffs repeatedly]

Right so, who's idea was it?

Well the lady who err, runs the joint, thought it would be fun for the err, history teacher.

Yeah, she laid out all the costumes.

Even the err script for the ceremony is on the house.

-Beer? -[groans]

What did they do to you out there?

I don't know, some sort of satanic ceremony-

Bullshit, chants...

[inaudible references]

-And wait, its- -[simultaneous gasps]

[burps]

A jealous, evil...

[gasps]

-Too powerful for men. A giver of lives. -[sighs and gasps]

-[simultaneous gasps] -Eternal...

Beware!

For he, who disturbs the cauldron,

must face the wrath,

of the guardian knight.

[gasps]

-[scoffs] -Well I've heard scarier stories from a nine year old.

-But he forgets them every time. -[laughter and cheers]

-[laughter continues] -Where, where's the cauldron buried?

[simultaneous laughter ensues]

Let's really get this party moving.

[Mike] Permission to board.

Well then...

[simultaneous cheers]

Look at me.

[ominous music]

[heavy panting and breathing]

[screams and laughter]

[groaning]

-[gagging] -[laughter]

Use it wisely.

[gagging and laughter continues]

-[grunts] -[smack, yells]

You've poisoned me.

[distant cheers and laughter]

[grunting and groaning]

[suspenseful music]

[silence]

[groan]

[laughter and music]

-I am no longer geek boy, I am the bang daddy. -[laughs]

Let me tell you what, I'll show you how Indians do it. Let's go.

-[smack] -[Blossom] Naughty boy!

[laughs]

-[exaggerated grunts] -[footsteps]

[Brian] Hello, who's there?

-[door bangs] -[screams and farts]

[farting continues]

-[gasps] -What the hell do you want?

-Brian are you going to be in there long? -[loud fart]

What?

I'm such a cloth here.

-Burn the shame, Mike. -[loud farting]

[farting continues]

Mike, put your dick away Mike.

-[door slams] -[screams]

-[door bangs] -[deep sigh]

-I'm the bang daddy. -[groans]

[sneers]

[door opens]

[slow sexy music]

So, do you want to earn yourself some proper money?

I don't think so.

[biting noise]

-[inaudible background chatter] -[exhales loudly]

-I didn't know you played volley ball darling. -[sucking noise]

I gave him some of my finest whizz man.

You had a threesome? With hookers?

I thought they were fans.

[Blossom] When I meet a man, I think...

Is this the guy I want my kids to spend their weekends with.

[abrupt laughter]

I can see Uranus.

How's about we have a look, at the big... Dipper.

[footsteps]

[heavy breathing]

-[howling] -[grunts and screams]

-[bird whistles] -[shuffles and groans]

[heavy breathing]

I came here to dance, and to serve drinks.

-I don't do extras. -[sighs]

Come on, don't cut that bullshit with me.

All girls do extras.

Especially out here.

[whipping noise]

[foreboding music]

No!

-[smack] -[screams]

-[Blossom breathing heavily] -Okay, no foreplay then.

[heavy breathing]

Did you really think you could come out here?

Get your kit off in front of a bunch of blokes.

-[heavy breathing] -And nothing was going to happen?

[grunting and heavy breathing]

Not this time bitch.

[Blossom screaming]

-Oh no! -[punching and screaming]

[cheesy 70's music]

[heavy breathing]

-Are you okay? -Excuse me.

[punch, yelling and groaning]

[groaning continues]

I am now.

-I can't believe you guys are friends. -Yeah, well.

We were, until I caught him in bed with my wife.

-That sucks! -Yeah, well, life sucks sometimes.

Shall we?

-Yeah. -Okay.

[grunting and moaning]

Oh, oh stop, you're so big,

-I'm going to come! -[moaning and grunting]

-Blossom honey- -[Indian guy] Watch me olives!

Blossom?

Let's get out of here.

Party's over! You! Get your coat cause we're going.

The party isn't over.

Saddle up boys. We're... Going out.

Night game!

[whistles, cheers and applause]

[chanting] Night game!

[grunting]

-[distant flapping] -[jerks]

[exaggerated grunt]

-[scraping blade] -[scream]

[blood spatter]

-[metal clanking] -[whirring]

[roaring]

Don't worry girls, this will get you there a lot faster than the bus.

-[Blossom] Ginger? -[Ginger] Come on Blossom.

-[Ginger] Keep your eyes on the road, stop it! -[Indian guy laughing]

-[girls] Slow down! -[tires scrunching]

I'm holding on for my life!

Oh yes baby, you like the err rallies?

-[Indian guy] You know, back home, they call me Colin Mac- -[Blossom] What are you doing?

-[Ginger] Calm down please! -[Blossom] Stop it!

-[Indian guy] Lovely night for driving hey? -[Blossom] Are you mad!

[Indian guy] Hey blondie, blondie in the back there, do you like my driving?

[Blossom] Please slow down. What is wrong with you? Stop it!

-[Indian guy] Seatbelts! -[everyone screams]

Okay.

Same teams as before.

And this time,

we hunt down you fuckers.

Whatever.

What about Mike?

Leave him a note. And no rules.

No shots. Nice.

And point blank kills.

Booby traps.

Can we err, throw shit?

[sniffs and inhales deeply]

Goody, goody. Well let's give you boys a head-start, shall we?

Let's go.

[chanting and laughing]

[laughter]

So, we'll take them out, any way we can.

Let's get going.

Oh, but they've only just left.

No rules.

-Remember? -[Brian] Okay.

-[door swings open] -[Indian guy groaning]

[Indian guy chuckles]

-[thud] -[screams and groans]

[incoherent cursing]

[Indian guy grunts and exhales loudly]

-[Blossom sighs] -[Indian guy groans]

-[Blossom] Ginger? -[Indian guy groaning]

[Indian guy groaning and coughing]

-[door slams] -[more groaning]

-[Blossom] Where are you? -[Indian guy groaning]

[Blossom] Are you okay?

[Indian guy and Blossom breathing heavily]

[Blossom] Ginger?

-Ginger! -[shrieks]

-[gasps] -[Indian guy] Sorry doll, she's-

What!

You know, she's- -[clicking sound]

Nobody falls forty feet.

On to the chitons, and lives.

You don't know that. Ginger!

-Ginger! -[Indian guy screams]

-[thud] -[gasp]

-[Indian guy] Oh dearie me. -[Blossom panicking]

Err, I think she's dead now.

[heavy breathing]

[cheesy 70's action music]

[leaves rustling]

What is it?

There's something out there.

Where?

Drop back, cover the rear.

Come on guys.

-[shuffling noise] -Are you going to get Ginger?

No, I am going for pizza.

[inaudible speech]

You really don't know what this is do you?

-No, what? -[Indian guy] This.

This is it. This is Mortens Gibb.

So?

So, you cute girls, why are you so dumb, huh?

Bye, bye.

[zips and screams]

-[groans] -[gasps]

[panting]

[breathing intensifies]

-[bird screams] -[gasps]

[breathing and footsteps]

[gasping and struggling]

[zips down and screams]

[intense action music]

[screaming and simultaneous shooting]

-[Wolf] What the fuck was that?

Anyone see anything?

-Roger? -[Roger] Huh?

Nothing.

At least I don't think so.

I saw it was err, big...

Black...

Big like a freight train.

Like Mr. C?

-[laughter] -[Brian] Seriously!

I saw a big, huge, black thing.

They must have shields or something.

-[Wolf] What shields?

Alright listen up, Dave, you and me, right flag.

Rog, you and Dog boy, left flag.

Brian, you're going to wait here, watch our backs.

-[Brian] No. -Yes!

-This is important. -[Brian] Why?

Because I say so, and I'm the captain.

-[Roger] You can do it okay. -Okay.

[Roger] Come on.

[Santos] See you later Brian man.

[shuffling noises]

[Blossom sobbing]

[Indian man struggling]

[heavy breathing and banging]

Will you forget about her, and come here and give me a hand with this.

[Indian guy grunting]

If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be here and my friend would still be alive!

Hey! It's not my fault, huh!

[bangs loudly]

It was your tits, and your lips.

-Fuck you bitch and move out of the way! -[groans loudly]

[groans and struggles]

[brick scraping]

[high pitched, screeching]

-[grinding] -[loud bang]

[gasps]

-[Indian guy] Oh, oh dearie me.

[shuffling noise]

Welcome to my 'blingdom' baby.

[gasps]

[ominous music]

[speaks in foreign language]

-[ethereal chimes] -[incoherent speech]

What are you doing?

Come on honey, just a little kiss for your love god daddy.

-[grunt] -[squeals in agony]

-[moaning] -All I wanted was just one kiss.

You're bloody lucky I got my lucky underpants on.

-With the extra padding- -[ethereal chimes]

-What is this? -[groans and struggles]

-[Indian man] Oh dearie me.

[intense breathing and rumbling]

[breathing nervously]

[slow footsteps]

[clanking]

[click]

[heavy breathing]

[inhales deeply]

[metal grazing]

[roaring]

-Well who the fuck are you? -[loud roar]

-[slicing and groaning]

-[metal clanking] -[gasping for air]

-[screaming] -[slicing and blood spurting]

[ominous music]

-[demon grunting] -[stabbing noise]

What the fuck was that?

Nothing. Just pricks trying to freak us out. Come on.

But that was Santos.

Yes.

Then you go back there,

bang, bang,

double tap in the back of the head.

If you're going for coffee, I take mine white, one sugar.

[sighs]

-[breathes in deeply] -Okay.

Listen mate I tell you for a fact, Santos is no screamer.

No, that's your- [inaudible speech]

Well let's just make that our little secret, alright Choky.

Now what did the chant say, how does it work huh?

-[shrugs] -Hello?

-[screams] -[loud scream and bang]

[Indian man groaning]

[groans and blood dripping]

-Bloody hell. -[groaning continues]

Wait a minute, who were you talking to?

[moans]

-Who? -[moaning continues]

[Indian man coughs]

-Nah, never heard of him. -[Indian man screams]

[dripping noise]

[woman gasps loudly]

[sand falling]

[screams and panics]

[man snickering maniacally]

-[shove] -[grunt]

Don't be a moron!

Our friend up there will take good care of her and the others.

Now let's get on with what we have to do.

[loud rumbling]

[Blossom panicking and breathing heavily]

Two of the reasons why you and I are not working too well out here together.

One,

You're not a real Weekend's Warrior and I am.

Two,

your breathe smells like cock.

[sniffs]

[scoffs]

Twat!

[muffled moaning and heavy breathing]

[shuffling]

[distant rock music]

[rumbling]

[heavy breathing]

[rock music]

[music intensifies]

[music stops]

-[screaming] -[roaring]

-[screaming] [-loud blood spatter]

[leaves rustling]

-[Brian] What are you doing? I need a kill. -[Roger] Need some kind of trap

-[gasps] -[ethereal chimes]

[excited gasp]

[blowing and tapping]

[kiss]

-[rocks moving] -Come on, come on, come on.

[grunts]

[chanting 'come on']

What's he doing?

He's not moving.

[Brian] Looks like he's praying.

[Brian] Maybe he's seen the light?

[Roger] Well, he's going to see the stars now.

[shushing]

[shots fired]

That was my kill.

Come on.

[Brian] Come on Santos, get up, you're dead.

[rumbling noise]

-[gagging and puking] -Oh my God!

[heavy breathing and panting]

[screams and grunts]

[rumbling noise]

[screams hysterically]

[Brian coughing]

Where's the party man, yeah!

-Rock and roll- -[Brian gagging]

-[gagging continues] -What?

-What's going on? -[Brian coughing and gagging]

Santos?

[Brian still gagging]

-[exhales nervously] -Is he...

[retching and puking]

You want to hang that someplace else?

Wolf, he's dead, he's not coming back.

[whistles]

[grunt]

[slow footsteps]

I'm going to fuck you up.

You hear me!

Monday, is usually best for me.

Hello Roger darling.

[quiet sobs]

Tony.

Tony.

Who pulled the pin?

[gasps]

[sobbing]

It's that freak boyfriend of yours.

Who?

That William guy, that's who.

Is that the postman?

Andy's bitch kill him.

He's not my bitch.

Bet you wish he was though, hey?

[cackles]

[grunts]

Nine to lock it. Nine to unlock it.

Cross in the lock.

Nine morons, they chant, lock opens.

Cauldron's mine.

All power, eternal life, yada, yada.

Knight kills morons. Perfect.

Wait.

She had a cross.

[grunts]

So there's two crosses.

Why would there be two crosses?

Why?

[shrugs]

Why! Because the bitch has the real cross!

You moron!

[bang, scream, plonk]

[William groaning]

-Why didn't you stop her- -[bang, moan]

Mama always said,

if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it!

[groans]

We should have smothered you at birth.

Now, go find her,

and bring me the cross.

[shrugs negatively]

The guardian's not interested in you.

He's just going to kill anyone who witnessed the chant.

-[moans no] -You can take the cross off her when she's dead.

Just find her!

[groans in agreement]

[crying]

Wait.

[suspenseful music]

Get rid of those two losers before they start stinking up the place.

[loud sobbing]

I'm going back to pack.

Its clobber time.

You hear me Frankenstein!

Listen up!

[Roger] We've got to get back to the cottage.

I'm calling the cops.

Before that lunatic, takes another shot at us.

[Andy] What if they get us before we get to them?

I mean, to the phone.

I don't know about you,

losers,

but,

I'm going back to the bunkhouse.

I'm going to get myself a real gun.

And I'm going to hunt and kill that ugly freak!

Myself.

[Dog man] Have you really got a gun?

A real one?

Yes.

Dog man.

I have a real gun.

With, real bullets, alright.

[rustling leaves and forced footsteps]

[Roger] Hold it!

We stick together. We get back to base camp. We make the call.

And let the cops deal with it. Right?

Yeah right, hang on!

Where are the phones?

Miss Meathead.

[panicking]

-[Brian sobbing] -Fuck!

[Blossom panicking and panting]

[screams]

We've got to get out of here! She's mad, she's killed the driver,

she's killed your friend for the treasure of the tomb.

I nearly tripped back over what's left of your friend back there.

Who?

This guy with the headphones.

No way mate.

[cocks gun]

Not Dave as well, no way man, no way.

[Roger] Wolf, calm down.

It's not him, okay.

It was him.

-[Brian] What! -[sobs]

Who's after us?

A guardian or something.

[screams]

Don't you get it?

It's the guardian from the guidebook.

The knight's templars, the secret of the cauldron.

-It's the chant. -[Roger shrugs]

The chant you morons said,

opens the trap door, and then, it's awakened the guardian,

now everyone that heard that chant has to die.

-[confused gasps] -Oh God, this has been a fucking set-up!

Don't you get it?

Okay, there's a big, giant armored knight,

-[sighs] -a killing machine.

Like Terminator?

Yes, yes exactly.

One or two?

What?

In one, he is the bad guy,

but in two, he's good he goes save the woman-

Oh! Right! I had enough of this,

bullshit, I am out of here!

[scoffs]

Charles!

-We've got to stick together- -[Charles] rest in pieces boys-

Brian] Shut up!

[Brian] You're my brother, get back here!

-[Charles chuckles] -[Roger] Charles!

[Roger panicking]

[Roger sobbing]

[Andy] Charles!

[footsteps]

[fast footsteps]

[rumbling noise]

[Blossom] No, no way! I'm not going back there to look for a dead man!

[Roger] Listen to me, we split up,

two teams.

Brian, Wolf man, Steve the Queen Magodo,

go back to the cottage and find the phones.

-We're all dead. -[Blossom gasping]

[Roger] We're not going to die.

We're going to get out of here.

Five years ago, we may not have been the best team in the league,

by God, we're going to get our butts back to that cottage.

And get the hell out of here.

If any of you, even think about dying,

I'm going to kill you myself.

-You got that? -[Brian] Yes.

[Brian] We're going to get out of here.

Just a walk in the park.

-[Roger] Come on. -[Brian] Yeah!

-[sharp gasp] -[everybody's screaming]

No!!!!

[Brian] Jesus!

-[abrupt roar] -[stabbing]

screaming and groaning]

[Blossom screaming]

[Brian] Roger! Roger!!!

-[Andy] Roger I'm coming! -[Blossom] Stop! What are you doing!

[dragging and whaling]

[squeals and footsteps]

He died.

Then we die.

[footsteps and heavy breathing]

[groaning]

The bastards will believe me now.

[typing noise]

[suspenseful music]

[typing continues]

[gunshot, glass shattering]

Hi.

Dessert Eagle.

Nice.

Is that a limited edition?

One of the most,

powerful handguns,

in the world.

[woman chuckles]

-[shuffling] -[suspenseful music]

Feeling lucky punk?

Always.

Where's Junior?

Don't worry about him.

He won't be back for a long time if ever.

Super duper.

[bang]

I like a strong man.

Just like Daddy.

-Okay, so you're more 'Gilf' than 'Milf'- -[pants unzips, gasp]

-[sucking] -[moaning]

Oh what the heck.

[ominous music]

[wailing and screaming]

Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

[shrugs and screams]

-Rock on man. -[Andy sniffs]

Rock on.

[incoherent stammering]

Come on.

-[birds chirping] -[heavy breathing]

[footsteps and shuffling]

[leaves rustling]

[man sobbing]

[sobbing intensifies]

We didn't find Roger.

But we found David.

-What was left of him- -You still think I'm full of shit huh?

[Brian] God we're so dead. We're so dead!

No! We are not dead, okay!

-We just need to get back to the cottage- -[Wolf] And what?

Check here, I've got no idea what the hell is out there.

But what I do know is it's killing us. So what's the fucking point of going anywhere?

Survival.

Brian.

Can we kill this thing?

-[Blossom] Brian -Can we stop it.

No.

[Wolf] No?

What's this?

I don't know.

I found it in the tomb.

This is the key of Anwin.

[Brian] We can stop it

[Wolf] How?

We've got to find the tomb.

We've got to put this in the safe and then,

we have to face the monster and,

release the cauldron at the same time.

Theory.

Without dying first.

[Andy groaning]

Well I'm cool with that.

[Charles groaning and grunting]

-[woman gagging] -Ah yes, very nice yes.

[moans]

-Take it all. -[gagging continues]

[moaning]

Now get those teeth out Granny.

[cocks gun]

Oh dear.

[gunshot fired]

-[cackles] -[cheesy 70's music]

Mama always said men were no damn good.

[repeated shots fired]

-That was for my whisky. -[Charles] Go on then!

Let's see what that puppy can do.

[repeated shots fired]

[groans]

Brian.

-Look at me, look at me Brian! -[Brian sobbing]

-No! -[smack]

Ouch!

We have to go!

We're marked men, where we go we're dead.

-[shrugs] -[smack]

[Brian cries out]

You've got to trust me.

Why?

Don't hit me again.

Cause I need a bath!

And you've got a wedding to go to.

I don't know about you guys.

But we are ready to get the hell out of here.

Damn straight man.

Alright. Wolf, Brian, head down the left.

Steve McQueen, Mokoto, you head down the right.

-Blossom will come with me, down the centre. -[Blossom] Yeah, thanks.

-Any questions? -Why do I get the lady-boy?

-[Andy] Jeez! -[Brian] What?

[Mokoto] Hey.

-Because you do, alright. Now come on, let's split. -[Wolf] Yeah.

See you kids back at the ranch.

-[Mokoto] Come on.

[cheesy action music]

[shuffling]

[typing]

[chuckles]

[loud roaring]

-[footsteps] -[men screaming]

[man chuckling]

[panicking and heavy breathing]

[ominous music]

[footsteps]

[loud roaring]

[cheesy 70's music]

[gasp]

[music continues]

-[Brian scoffs] -[Brian] What's it like?

[Wolf] What?

A threesome?

Which one?

-[exhales exaggeratedly] -Any?

[rushing water]

It's like a good night out.

Loads of booze, loads of drugs, and a good kebab.

-A kebab? -Yeah man.

You know you don't need it,

but it's that extra touch that makes it a night to remember.

[zipper noise]

[exhales loudly]

Especially if you go for extra chilies.

Yeah, I love chilies.

[chuckles]

Any minute now, someone's going to come along, pick us up,

and take us to the nearest town.

[exhales loudly]

Yeah? We're so far off the beaten track, we are not even on the map.

-[scoffs] -Thanks.

[Mokoto] You really like that sushi bar huh?

[Andy] It's alright.

-[Mokoto] You know, they are Korean. -[chuckles]

[Andy] Yeah?

-[Andy] Well, that explains it. -[chuckles]

[Mokoto] Do you really think so?

[Andy] Trust me darling.

[Andy] You're no competition.

-[Mokoto giggles] -[stomping noise]

[loud grunt and roar]

-[punch] -[scream, thud]

[roars]

[ominous music]

[loud breathing]

[bones cracking]

Hey!

[kungfu noises]

[metal grazing]

[grumbling noise]

[squealing]

[metal clanking]

-[cocks gun] -[groans]

-[bones crunching] -[sharp scream]

[choking noise]

[choking and shots fired]

[shots and choking continues]

[growling]

[oozing]

[Mokoto panting and panicking]

[loud rumbling]

[Mokoto panting frantically]

-[punch] -[scream]

-[thud] -[heavy breathing]

[Mokoto sobbing]

[chains clanking]

[panicked screams intensifies]

[flesh slicing]

[distant screams]

[leaves rusting]

[gasping and sobbing]

[sobbing intensifies]

[loud crying]

[crying and screaming]

[William sobbing distantly]

There it is.

[Brian] Oh Wolfie, Wolfie.

We're going to make it home, we're going to make it!

Wolf.

Wolf?

[metal clanking]

[shuffling]

-[thud] -[zipping]

[Brian] Wolfie?

-[Brian] What are you doing? -[metal grazing]

[gulps]

You trust me, yeah?

Yeah.

When I say run, you run. Okay?

What are you talking about Wolf?

Brenda needs you Brian.

What about you Wolf?

I don't need you.

[Wolf] Okay Brian,

-run! -[unsheathes sword]

-If I have a son, I'll call him Wolfie. -Okay come on!

[Brian screaming]

Come on you big, ugly, fucking motherfucker fucker!

[blood dripping]

[dripping intensifies]

Mokoto.

-[chains clinking] -[growling noise]

[loud roar]

Let's see what you've got.

[exaggerated footsteps]

-[loud rumble] -Fuck man!

-[cheesy action music] -Charles. Oh Charles!

Jesus!

-[old lady] William! -[shuffling]

Shit!

-[door creaks] -[old lady] William?

-[door swings open] -Is that you?

Where's the cross?

[several gunshots fired]

What are you doing?

Huh?

-Who was that? -[grunts]

Who's down there? Who!

-[grunts] -Who?

Tell me!

Get your ass down there before I shoot you.

-[Shaun] This leads to the tomb right? -[Blossom] Yes.

-[Shaun] The tomb leads to the tunnel? -[Blossom sighs agreeably]

[Shaun] Let's go.

[loud roaring]

It's over here.

-[Shaun] Where? -[Brian] Hey guys-

-[shrieks] -[Brian] Lock it, she's behind me!

-[Blossom] Who? -[Brian] Hurry up!

[Shaun] Okay, come on, quick.

[Shaun] Hurry up. Brian!

[Shaun]Pass me that box. Great, okay. One more, quick!

-[Shaun] Good. -[Brian] Yeah.

[Shaun] Okay.

Alright, that's not going anywhere.

[Brian exhales loudly]

[Brian] Wow!

[gunshots]

-[planks breaking] -Is this a private party?

-[William growls] -[old lady moaning]

-[shots fired] -[multiple screams]

[everybody groaning]

[rumbling noise]

-[Brian] Shaun! -[panicking]

Put the cross in the nook.

Quickly!

[intense music]

[Blossom shrugs and struggles]

[metal clanking]

[loud roar]

Brian.

No Shaun, this is my stag night.

And he was definitely not invited.

[Shaun] Brian. What are you doing?

[music crescendo]

-[Shaun] Brian no, Brian! -[Brian screaming]

[Blossom] Stop!

[Blossom] Are you crazy?

[fighting ensues]

-[Brian groans in agony] -[Blossom screams]

[Brian groaning]

[sword grazing against metal]

-[Blossom sobbing] -[Brian choking on blood]

-[Brian] Brenda... -[Shaun] Oh Brian,

-[Shaun] Brian. -[sword grazing against metal]

[swishing]

[Blossom panicking and panting]

What's supposed to happen?

[Shaun] Try the other one.

[screaming and fighting]

[intense music]

[key drops, curses]

[stabs and grunts]

[stabs and grunts again]

[unsheathes sword]

[panicked breathing]

[music crescendo]

-[loud growl] -[ethereal bell chimes]

[gasps]

-[stones grinding] -[gasps]

Oh my God!

[peaceful music]

[Blossom and Shaun panting]

[chuckles]

-[shot fired] -[scream]

[gasp]

-Move away from the cauldron! -[Blossom screams]

-[smack] -[scream]

[thud]

[breathes heavily]

[Andy] Hey bitch! Look who's back.

[cheesy 70's action music]

[fighting ensues]

[grunting and groaning]

[multiple screams and groans]

[screaming continues]

You fight like a girl.

[cocks gun]

-[pierce] -[gasps]

[chokes]

-[blood dripping] -You idiot!

What did you do that for?

[groans]

[groaning dies down]

Stop! Killing!

[heavy breathing]

[Andy whimpering]

-[Blossom panting] -[cheesy 70's music]

[music intensifies]

[loud groan]