Original subtitles

Will Professor Post will be back soon?

Any moment now Mr. Tanner.

How d'you do Professor Post.

Good evening, morning, I mean afternoon.

Oh, yes. I've read your papers on Aristotle.

We will now have a complete survey.

Professor Post, this is drag day... And... Can't we...

- We'll continue tomorrow. - Thank you Professor.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, Jenkins.

Everyone is happy and excited over the drag.

Will you be going, Sir?

Oh, no. I'd rather sit here and read Aristotle.

- You know I'm lying don't you? - Yes, Sir.

I'm not going because I wasn't invited.

If you'll pardon me Sir...

Your loneliness, is self inflicted.

Being constantly lonely, creates a sort of...

An inferiority complex.

Poor old Professor Ferguson was like that.

He lived here alone.

With his nerves.

Couldn't sleep nights.

I don't sleep very well myself.

I have twitches.

That's what Professor Ferguson told me in this very room.

The night he shot himself.

- Shot himself? - Yes.

In that very chair.

I know because I helped to pick him up,

and lay him on that couch, where he died.

It you'll only go out and find life,

You'll enjoy living it.

But Jenkins, how often have I told you. That requires money.

And I have saved in 12 years...

Exactly...

Four thousand, five hundred and sixty four dollars

And twenty three... cents.

I'm saving that for a rainy day.

Yes, Sir. Poor Professor Ferguson said that.

And it rained the day they buried him.

I have thought of getting a broadening experience.

But a person in my position, can't very well...

afford to indulge in whims.

I'd love to rub elbows with the outside world.

And become a...

Napoleon

- He was about my size too. - Yes.

I hope you'll forgive me, Sir.

But this letter came this morning.

I was so occupied with the other gentleman, I neglected to leave it.

'Tis well.

Jenkins!

Come here... look.

See what that says. I fell heir to...

- $7,500 - You're mistaken, Sir.

It says you've inherited seven hundred...

and fifty thousand dollars.

750,000...

Get my trunk.

What are you going to do?

What did I do with that letter?

- It's in your hand. - I'll look for it myself.

- Get my trunk. - Here.

- What are you going to do? - I'm going some place.

I don't know where, but I'll find it.

750,000.

I'll meet people, I'll see things.

I'll buy companionship.

I'll draw all my money out of the bank.

You don't want to take the lamp. You can't get the bed in, Sir.

Come on. Get this stuff aboard. The train don't stay here all day.

Why don't you stop squawking, Reno.

- You're no gardenia. - Oh yeah?

No wonder the show took only $42 last night.

What the troupe needs is a comedian.

Where d'you get that stuff? They clapped when I came out.

They wasn't clapping. They was killing mosquitoes.

How d'you like them onions.

My gags ghouled them. You can't say they didn't.

You haven't got a gag that'd get a giggle.

Yeah? How about this one.

A guy goes into a second hand store.

He says to the man: Is this a second hand store?

The man says: Yes. Then the guy says...

Give me a second hand for my watch.

If I was laughing I've stopped.

I'm a mackerel without any fins.

I'll tell it to that little guy with the bass. Come on.

Good morning, stranger.

Good morning. Why must we be strangers?

- My name... - I'll tell you a new one.

A guy goes into a second hand store and he says to the man...

Is this a second hand store? And the man says: Yes.

Then he says: Give me a second hand for my watch.

Was he furnished with a second hand?

It's too subtle. It went over his head like a trapeze act.

Here's one you can't miss. In Scotland...

The cinemas are billing Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

as a double feature.

Dr Jekyll had double features.

The guy ain't got no education.

Don't you want to try another one?

I'm so sorry. Did I hurt you?

No.

- I hope it's not damaged. - Oh, it's alright.

I am Professor Timoleon Zanders Post. Late of the faculty of Potts College.

Gee this is the first time I ever met a professor.

- You're an actress aren't you? - Well, I'm a dancer.

What a coincidence. I've made an exhaustive study of Greek dancing.

How interesting.

Pansy, you're going to miss the train.

- I'll assist you. - We need no assistance.

Come on, Pansy.

Come on, get aboard here.

I'll make him translate that.

What's the matter?

Let me try to help you.

That's it. Now that's that.

Now you're alright.

Pansy!

- Say Reno, how about a little rummy? - OK.

- Tony, want to play a little rummy. - I gotta holda the baby.

I gotta holda the baby. Fine.

I gotta take care of the baby.

When Rosa whasha her face in the front.

I don�t mind holding the baby if the father cares to participate.

Fine Professor. You hold him like this.

Thanks. You give him this.

- What a break. - What a break.

Jimmy play nice.

Professor. Mario takes to you.

- You must have babies of your own. - No I have never been a father.

But I understand the fundamental principals of the thing.

This guy slays me.

Understands the fundamental principal.

Jimmy, can't you try and be a little refined.

That's right. You're fundamentally correct.

Stop the train immediately.

There's been a terrible oversight.

Must be an accident.

What is it? Where's the accident?

Here it is. They forgot to put it on the train.

You held up the train on account of the trunk?

Naturally. Get on board. We're pulling out right now.

Wait a minute. It ain't legal.

He's got a right to have his trunk.

- Why didn't you put it on? - I never seen the trunk.

- Don't equivocate. - What?

- What? - Don't equivocate.

I don't take that kind of language from you or any little runt.

That calls for drastic action. James, hold the baby.

- I'll give you one minute to apologize. - Keep your shirt on.

I had no intention of removing it.

You haven't a chance against that big palooka.

What's holding the train?

- That fellow claims that's his trunk. - You're 30 minutes late. Pull out.

That's a breach of contract.

- There's no check on this trunk. - What about it?

This guy's paid out good dough.

Is it his fault you forgot to put a check on his trunk?

Say, listen. I told you I never even seen the trunk.

Anyone said I did is a liar. What d'ya make of that?

Them's 5 fingered words.

- Hold the baby. - Listen!

The professor is my friend.

You put the trunk on or I'lla taka the throat...

and squeeze the life out of it like this.

Am I burning up.

Just a minute. Check the trunk.

- Where's your check? - Check, what check?

Your trunk check.

- I haven't... - You mean to say...

You have to check it. Show him your ticket.

My ticket?

In my excitement, I forgot to purchase one.

Alright Macaffrey. Board!

Wait a minute. You can't do that. It's unconstitutional.

Unconstitutional or not, there she goes,

Come on Professor. Come on, will ya?

- Where's the baby? - The baby?

- The baby? - Where's the baby?

What d'ya mean, you've got the baby.

Where's the kid?

Holy mackerel, I forgot it.

Who gave that stop signal? You?

You? You?

I did.

If you think we're going back after that trunk, you're crazy.

- It ain't the trunk, it's the baby. - Baby? Whose baby?

- Yours? - No. This is the father.

Show him your check.

Check?

- I got no check. - No check?

No, no check.

- Thank you. - Come on, get on this train.

D'you wanna be there all day?

- Get on this train. - Hurry, get on this train.

Wanna stay here all day?

Board!

Come on, what's the matter with you?

- Good morning Jenkins. - Good morning.

What can I do for you?

Dr. Bolton. Do you know about Professor Post's inheritance?

Yes indeed. I've been made very happy by it.

I've been made most unhappy by it, Sir.

- Jenkins, what do you mean? - Dr. Bolton...

I've done an awful thing. Professor Post

didn�t inherit $750,000. He didn't inherit anything.

I wrote him that letter.

Jenkins! How could you do such a thing?

I thought I'd help him, Sir.

He'd been a very lonely man. No friends.

No companionship. And I wanted to...

do it for his own good, Sir.

I'm tremendously fond of him.

But he's learned everything except...

How to live.

I've done a terrible thing, Sir.

I wonder if you have done such a terrible thing.

I wouldn't worry, Jenkins.

He's drawn out his life savings, Sir.

I hadn't figured on that.

Forget it. Nothing very serious can happen...

to so conservative a fellow as...

Professor Post.

- Here's my hand. - Goodbye James.

Goodbye, hope we meet again. Lots of luck.

Oh Professor, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Goodbye Miss Pansy. We may meet at some future time, perchance.

If I should have a friend and he should want to write me a letter,

It would reach me, care of the Billboard.

- Which Billboard. - Troupers paper, Cincinnati.

I'll make a note of that.

You're going to miss this bus.

Well, goodbye Professor.

Don't do anything I would.

- What's her name? - Whose name?

- The young lady. - Pansy.

- Pansy what? - Pansy Peets.

Pansy Peets.

Board!

When is the next train for Chicago?

There's a train tonight about 9 o'clock.

- Thanks. - Only trouble is...

it don't stop here.

I will have to go to a hotel. Is there a vehicle around?

No. there's a bus though.

There's a hotel bus makes the depot.

Only trouble is...

it don't run no more today.

How far is it to the village?

About two and a half miles as the crow flies.

- Only trouble is... - I'm no crow.

- Would you allow me to ride with you? - You're darn tootin'. Hop right in.

Can you direct me to the opera house?

You're standing right in front of it.

Well, how are you professor?

For the love of Mike, how did you get here?

I was vibrated here in a most unusual vehicle.

Gee, I'm glad to see you. See you after the show.

What a day, what a day. Roll in somnia.

All ladies there.

And here comes the fairest of them all.

Ah, Antobio, you wait.

- What about Prince de Millio? - My heart is light.

I dance.

What d'ya think of tha...

- Well done Antobio. - You said it friend. You said it.

And now, my castle, and love.

I will love you always.

Good times are here

Right now

We're a hit. It's stupendious.

Come on back Professor, and give the folks a kick.

A kick? Why?

I thought they preformed beautifully.

You slay me with your crack.

Come on back Professor, you murder me.

Come on Professor.

Get that thing out.

Miss Pansy...

I can't say how much I enjoyed your dancing.

- Thank to Professor. - Yours was surely the poetry of motion.

It's never been called that before.

In fact, the entire entertainment was not only enjoyable

but instructive. I predict big things for it.

Girls, come on...

Now wait a minute. Lay off that.

- Nothing leaves this opera house. - Says who?

Sheriff of Lincoln County. This here stuff's all attached.

Bill for $250. Hotel Hastings.

- You see chief, what I want to do... - That's enough. Come on, Tom.

- Come on girls. - Get off that trunk. That's the law.

- What's the matter Miss Pansy. - It's nothing Professor, really.

But you're crying. Is it because of this uncouth fellow?

They're going to take our trunks and everything.

I'm going to put a seal on them trunks. And on that door.

- Get off that trunk, all of you. - One moment please.

You're manner is very offensive and I'm free to say, I do not like you.

- Where are them seals? - Right here sheriff.

Don't start anything. Pipe down.

You're not going to get to first base out of him with a john law.

I repeat, I do not like him.

- Pay this man and send him away. - Yeah?

With what. Us and the house made 28 bucks tonight.

I will lend you the money.

You wouldn't clown with me?

That's beside the point. I wish to pay this man.

One... two...

A fifty.

Correct. Thank you, doc,

Goodbye folks. goodbye gals.

Gee Professor, that was a decent thing for you to do.

That's perfectly alright.

What I want to know is, how we going to get to the next town?

I guess we'll walk.

Well, James...

If you need further assistance.

Don't! Keep your money in your pocket.

What's the idea?

It's a shame to shill a stranger like that.

He's a pal.

He helped you once, and now you want to take him for more.

- I ain't trying to take him. - How will he get his money back?

I got it. To show you I'm on the level, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll let you take over the show, and manage it.

But I know nothing whatever about show business.

Who does? That's what makes it a great game.

It's packed full of wallops.

It would be a broadening experience.

You said it.

Running a show is one of the most broadening experiences there is.

Unfortunately I'm going to New York. My trunk is on the way.

I have the solution.

I'll go to New York.

And take the show with me.

You mean you'll put this in a Broadway theatre?

Why not? It's excellent and I like it.

Can you swing it?

- Have you got the mazooma? - The what?

The sugar. I mean the kale.

- You know what kale is don't you? - Yes.

Kale is a vegetable, resembling a cabbage.

What I mean is, have you got the cush?

The copeks... The Ooughday... The cartwheels.

Can someone tell me what he's trying to say?

He's asking if you've got enough money.

I don't know. I only have 750,000.

750 grand?

- Grand what? - Don't let's start it again.

We'll embark on the first train in the morning.

Don't pick that up in the middle. That's big time stuff you're handling.

- Next dance, New York. - New York... what a town.

Broadway... what a street.

I've been waiting for years to get a crack at those Broadway bozos.

And now I'm set.

I know darn well I can do without Broadway

But can Broadway do without me?

The heart of the world

And look after they take one flash at me in my adornment

They'll know darn well I can do without Broadway

But can Broadway do without me?

No, no! Can Broadway do without me?

I'm sorry, it's out of the question.

- Morning everybody. - James we've been waiting for you.

Mr. Rayburn has seen our entertainment.

I have seen your show, but not your entertainment.

- What does he mean? - He's kidding.

I'm not kidding. Broadway stands for

a lot of baloney, but will never digest a piece of tripe like this.

- I don't understand. - I'll make myself perfectly clear.

After 30 years of stage directing, this is the worst

show I have ever seen!

- I went over alright didn't I? - You'll be alright after

I've toned you down and polished you up.

I think James is exceedingly funny.

Say, I killed them in Clay Center.

In New York it will probably be the reverse.

- Are you incineratin' - Now wait a minute,

I'm willing to take over this show.

But it's got to be built up from nothing.

So we'll start with him.

We've got to build and build and build.

Till we put some sense into this thing.

What about comedy?

- We could take something from the Greek - What Greek?

- Aristophanes is very humorous. - I never caught his act.

All the Greeks in New York. I'll take something from them.

The Professor wants to take something from the Greeks.

I think it's a great idea. We've had Chinese, Hawaiian,

Shevershablokans, Why not the Greeks.

Alright, alright. Now another thing, about the...

Miss Peets. I'm afraid Broadway is not quite ready for you.

Meaning of course... that I'm not quite ready for Broadway?

I'm afraid you won't do.

- Won't do what? - She won't do for this show.

Her style of dancing went out with his jokes.

- Miss Peets dances unusually well. - The audiences won't think so.

He's right Professor. It's OK.

- I'll bow out. - That the way to talk.

That's not the way to talk.

I insist you remain with us.

In fact it was your artistry that decided me

to give financial support to this company.

You shall dance as planned.

It's one of those things.

Why didn't you tell me in the first place?

It's alright. It's all OK. I got you now.

It's alright with me.

- Did he mean? - Yeah, it's an old Greek custom.

Jimmy, just a minute.

Don't you think we ought to give this thing up?

- Give what up? - This show. We're not good enough for Broadway.

Don't be funny. Everybody has to start and that's what we're doing.

We can't experiment with the Professor's money.

- He's taking the chance, not us. - He's getting a kick out of this.

He's having fun. suppose he lost 60,000?

He's got 750,000.

Miss Peets, Mr. Rayburn wishes you to report to the rehearsal hall.

I have enlightened him. He has a keener appreciation of your dancing.

Oh, Professor, you...

Gee, you're sweet.

What did she mean?

There's something about you. Something about you.

Where's the guy that's putting on this brawl?

Who wants to know?

Eleanor Espere, the personality girl.

Miss Eleanor Espere, and personality.

Send them both in.

Get a load of that. Big time sex appeal.

Is there any truth in what they say?

There's a million dollars behind this show?

- There is not. - I though so. The regular hooey.

Only 750,000.

Oh, Professor...

I hope you'll excuse me for asking questions.

But after all, a young girl has to know who she's working with.

That's alright.

What Broadway show were you with last season?

The Sunrise Supper Club. I put that saloon on its feet.

Made it New York's hottest nightspot.

And when I first went there, it was a speak easy.

- Speak easy? - Yeah, speak easy.

Speak easy.

You have unconsciously committed a solecism.

You should purify the verb and say: Speak easily.

- Speak easily? - Speak easily.

It's here. It's here!

- Did something arrive? - I'll say it has.

The title for our show. SPEAK EASILY!

- Pretty good. - What d'you mean, pretty good

It's perfect. Speak Easily.

Professor, to get back to me...

- I've got everything. - Everything?

I've got medals for acting, when I was at finishing school.

What finishing school did you attend?

- Notre Dame. - Notre Dame?

Notre Dame is not co-educational.

Well, I was very young.

I can not only troupe, but I can wear them.

- Wear 'em. - What I mean is tights.

You know, I got legs.

I assumed as much.

Assume nothing. Get an eyeful of this.

Sign her up Professor.

Don't let her get away. She's great I tell you.

- If you'd see this gal... - Well?

Come on down!

Come on down, fast.

Down there. Throw your leg out. Have you all got rheumatism?

What's the matter with you?

Go back up and keep time.

What a day! What a day!

For a walk in Somnia.

Never mind that.

What about the music for the rowing number?

The rowing number?

I wrote that this morning. Get a load of this melody.

- You wrote that this morning? - Yeah.

It's something they remember.

I remember it already.

You know, they come out of the theatre whistling that tune.

They'll go into the theatre whistling it.

It is slightly reminiscent of Singing in the Rain.

No! This is different.

Well, Professor? - The song is very good,

But the dance is anachronistic.

A-what?

The postures and movements are not early Greek.

No?

I will show you the dance as performed in Athens.

Young ladies...

Now follow me.

It's here! It's here!

Has something arrived?

I'll say it has. A tune... A melody.

Professor, you're marvelous. You inspire me.

This tune came from the depths of my soul.

Get a load of this.

- We can't consider it. - Why?

That's Oh Susanna.

Not after I've finished with it.

- That's plagiarism. - No. That's Speak Easily.

The theme song for our show.

Just a minute Jamie. I think I know what the Professor wants.

Doesn't it go something like this?

That's it, But there should be more sinuosity of the hips.

Such as...

You mean like this.

Now that is authentic.

But it would be more authentic if you were in the nude.

That's out. No nudes.

But James... It was done so in Athens.

They might get away with that in Athens. That's a college town.

I can do the dance for you, and I've got just the costume.

A little bit here, and the beads there. In my dressing room.

Come and I'll show it to you. The darlingest thing...

There's not very much to it you know...

A few beads right there.

Right this way.

I've been wanting to talk to you for a long, long time.

We should have some place where we can...

Get together and talk things over.

We already have such a place. My office.

Don't be sill. And I was thinking.

I would give you the key to my apartment.

So when you felt like it, you could run up and we could...

Have a cup of tea.

Very well. If I should ever feel the need of a cup of tea.

Of course I won't be able to pay for the rent.

At the start, that is until the show opens.

But, if I were to send you the bill, you�d take care of it, wouldn't you?

That's customary?

Alright everybody. Out for the trio.

- Professor? - Good afternoon.

What have you been doing with that Espere girl?

We had a business conference.

Pertaining to the rental of her apartment.

- Did she ask you to pay her rent? - Yes.

Something I'd neglected to do. I didn't know it was customary.

You come inside a minute. I want to talk to you.

She kissed you didn't she?

Oh yes. She's a very appreciative girl.

Did you kiss her back.

- Kiss her back? - You know what I mean.

Did you return her kiss?

- No, is that customary? - Oh, never mind.

What else did she do?

She generously gave me the key to her apartment.

Oh, she did?

One would hardly expect such hospitality in a big city.

Don't you understand what she means?

Oh yes... She told me.

Any time I come to her apartment, I can have a cup of tea.

I'll tell you what you do Timsy.

Any time you want a cup of tea, you come to my apartment.

Dyou know?

I prefer cocoa.

Come in Timmy.

Make yourself right at home.

Oh, Marie!

Marie!

Oh dear. Those servants. You just can't keep them.

You don't mind if I do this myself do you?

Come Timmy. Come, come.

I'll take your hat and umbrella.

Oh, your coat.

Now sit down.

While we're waiting for my brother, we'll have a talk.

A real intelligent talk.

Because I've got a mind.

- Yes? - Oh yes.

I can hold the interest of a man like you.

Tell me Timmy...

Have you ever seriously thought of...

Marriage?

Yes.

That's why I'm single.

Well, supposing we have a nice little drink.

Thank you. I never drink.

I know. but a little Tom Collins won't hurt you.

What is the nature of this...

Thomas Collins?

Sort of like lemonade, only it's made from limes and...

And a dash of that and that.

Like a fruit compo, you know?

Very nice.

Sort of radiates a glow.

And that's what you need. A glow.

Now, I'll slip into something more comfortable.

And I'll be right back!

No, no, no. You stay right here.

I won't be a moment.

Toodle-ooo!

I'm back again Timmy.

Going to take a bath?

You can crack wise can't you?

I compounded a little drink for you.

Here's to you and me, Professor.

Ah, honey!

I'm gonna pass out any minute, Timmy. Any minute.

Drape your arms around me honey.

And give a great big hug.

- I don't understand you. - No?

Well, it goes something like this.

How was it?

Oh no. You don't want those on.

Must never kiss someone with glasses, honey.

Take a big, deep breath.

Honey!

- Everything's alright now. - I don't understand you.

You'll pay the rent, won't you honey?

- Rent? - Yes... the rent.

You and I get around to it, when we'll be married.

Most certainly not.

Oh, Timmy!

Now wait, now wait.

Miss... Miss Espere.

You... you... gotta go home.

Timmy, I've lost my Timmy.

Oh, there you are.

Wait a minute honey. Little Nellie will help you.

Wait a minute.

Help me up. Oh, for goodness sake.

I know, you're behind the couch.

Come on!

There you are.

Horsey, horsey, horsey.

Timmy, let's play horsey.

It's awful good to have had you.

You go right straight home.

- Right straight home. - I'll see you tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Honest, ain't it a wow?

Jimmy Dodge and Pansy Peets on Broadway.

Kid, I always said, we'd get where we belong.

Gee, Jimmy, I'm all trembling.

It don't seem possible.

That's a swell profile of me ain't it?

Yes Jimmy, it is. Every inch of it.

The whole thing seems like a dream.

- I hope nothing happens. - There you go!

You dames are always looking for trouble.

What could happen?

Is Professor Post here?

We're waiting for him ourselves.

- Who are you? - I'm from his lawyer's office.

- I must see the Professor right away. - What about?

About a mythical inheritance of $750,000.

Mythical?

- What's that? - Mythical is something that doesn't exist.

You mean the $750,000 that the Professor's got?

- He hasn't got? - That's just what I mean.

We've mae a complete investigation.

And he hasn't got a dime.

Gee, Mister. You sure brought us some sweet news.

- And we're opening tonight. - You mean you were opening tonight.

We've got the Professor in an awful fix.

Since this morning, we've been bombarded by people

trying to collect for scenery, shoes, costumes.

Listen, if the Professor's broke there's only one chance

for people to get their dough.

Let the show open. it's bound to click. Then we can pay off.

Can't you do something?

You know. Stall them off until after opening night.

There's only one chance.

Get the Professor out of the state immediately.

- Tell him to go to Jersey. - I'll do it.

Remember, if he shows up tonight,

somebody'll slap an attachment on him and the curtain never will go up.

I knew it couldn't happen.

It was too wonderful.

- Poor Professor. - I wonder where he is.

I went by the hotel and he hasn't been home all night.

Good heavens!

- I bet he went for that cup of tea. - Cup of tea?

Jimmy, he's with that Espere woman. He's been there all night.

I'll get him. Buck up, kid.

I'll get the Professor.

He'll get Jersey, And Broadway will get us!

What are you doing here?

I remember!

You spiked my drink last night.

What happened after that?

- I don't know. - Oh, it's terrible.

Terrible!

After a girl loses her reputation, she's hardly got anything left.

- What are you going to do? - I could apologize.

Oh, Timmy. Do you remember saying last night...

That if a gentleman compromised a lady,

that he had ought to marry her.

It's my brother. What are we going to do?

- Maybe I could apologize to him. - What are we going to do?

What are we going to do? Get in here quick.

Quick, get in the bathroom.

Where's that man? - What man?

Don't stall, Nell. There's a man been here all night.

Oh, Nell!

What would mother say?

I didn't think you were that kind of a girl.

I've always acted like a lady, but when a gentleman spikes your drink...

Well? What are you going to do?

James!

No, no. You mustn't.

Come out!

If you don't come out before I count three, I'll shoot.

One... Two...

Three!

Put that gun away. Don't shoot!

I'll marry her. Nell!

- Who are you? - I'm a gentleman with scruples.

And I'll marry her. Nell!

Shut up!

Say, who's making this sacrifice, you or me?

What right have you got, to interfere with this girl's happiness?

Honey... Take all of me!

Anything for Mr. Hancock?

- There you are. - Thank you.

Mrs. Morris' reservation. Three.

- If you prefer it, I'll go. - That's great. Come on, get in.

- I'll see you later, at the theatre. - Yeah.

See you later at the theatre.

- Take him to Jersey and keep him there. - OK.

Go ahead. Step on it.

Why isn't somebody here to help me?

Reno, where are you?

Put it over there will you.

Where's that gadget you promised me?

That gimmick, that magoo?

I've got it Mr. Rayburn.

Round masking piece. Bring it here where it belongs.

Stay around where I can find you.

- What's the matter? - I haven't got my thing.

- My thing. - What is it? I'm not a mind reader.

Tell me... Reno, where are you?

- Yes? - Take this guy and find his thing.

Whatever...

Have you seen my dressing room?

What's the matter with it?

Take a look at it, and then ask me!

Am I supposed to rebuild the theatre?

How do you expect me to keep my nerves?

People on this side, people on that!

And me giving a performance tonight!

You have got the best dressing room...

Reno, where are you?

Give Miss Espere the star room.

The star room, don't forget.

Oh boy, they�re pouring in.

- It looks like a sellout. - If we give a smooth performance.

- The show might get by. - Sure we will.

Who's that flat footed guy with the derby on?

I knew something was going to happen. But I'll take care of him.

- Were you wanting something? - Where's the manager?

- How do I know? - You better find him.

Here's an attachment. Joint action. Amount $10,000.

$10,000? A mere bagatelle.

Professor Post will pay when he gets here if you'll wait.

I ain't waiting.

I've got an injunction and I'm going to close this show.

Yeah, I know. But you can't serve that paper on me.

- You've got to serve it on the owner. - That's what I'm asking.

- Where's the owner? - He'll be here.

Here's a nice chair. Just sit down and rest your...

Feet.

Don't hold me.

- We've got to start the show, or it'll stop before we start. - What's wrong?

It's the law.

Dear me. Right back where we were in Bidges Swift.

Keep your equilibrium. He's got to serve the Professor...

And the Professor is in dear old Jersey.

I told you girls to stay off that piano.

Leave the pinochle games alone. We've got work

Please clear the stage.

Why don't you show somebody where to put that thing?

I want to congratulate you...

Get over there will ya.

Where's that other guy? Hurry up.

You've bungled my thing. Bungled my thing.

I cannot do my jump. My prop is not here to...

- I bet your... - Cmon we're late. We gotta get going.

It's all over now.

- Why didn't you stay where you were? - James, James. Control yourself.

I was with an ill informed taxi man.

Who took me to a tunnel, underneath the Hudson river.

I realized immediately, he was not familiar with the geography of the city.

That man...

I will not permit strangers backstage. I'll eject him immediately.

No, no. Come on.

Get in there.

Piano!

Say, I've gotta have action.

- Where this boss of yours. - He'll be here any minute, just wait.

What kind of a guy is he?

Tall man, blond, dark glasses.

Walks with a limp. He's got a wooden leg.

Get out of my way. What are you doing here?

I told the Professor to fire you.

I'm warning you. You leave the Professor alone.

We're going to be married.

If I knew you weren't lying, I'd take your silly head off.

- I'll do it anyway. - Stop it you little fool.

She's gone crazy.

- Miss Pansy. - You little nitwit you!

Be on your toes.

Alright. Flash them! Scene away.

I want to know what happened last night and what that woman means to you?

Many things happened last night.

That woman means absolutely nothing to me.

You're not going to marry her?

- Certainly not. - Oh, Timsy!

You're on the stage.

Ladies and gentlemen!

As Lord Chesterfield said...

An honest heir is to be pitied and not ridiculed.

He's ruining the play. Bring down the curtain.

Bring down nothing. Keep away from the curtain.

- Can't you hear them laugh? - Of course. They're kidding the show.

They're not kidding. They think the Prof is part of the show.

Now young ladies.

Just line up for the part, where we do this.

Just continue.

Get that piano on.

Due to my unfamiliarity with stage procedure

there has been a slight departure from routine in this part of the entertainment.

With your kind indulgence, we will continue.

James will entertain you.

Why is it wherever I go, someone always picks on me?

What's the psychology of that?

Only this morning I took a walk with my family of 10 children,

When a cop comes up to me and says under arrest.

I said: For what? I didn't do nothing.

He said: You must have done something with that crowd following you.

And that's not all.

Why am I always snubbed? By pretty girls and debutantees.

I know I'm not good looking.

But what's my opinion against thousands of others.

And to add to my humiliation

Last night I went into a drug store to get a drink of pop

when out of a clear sky for nothing

A guy hits me on the head with a bottle.

And says: Consider yourself launched.

Was I amazed!

Look, Professor. You've got to keep off that stage.

I was only trying to repair the damage I had done.

Keep off that stage. Get me?

I shall do my duty as I see it.

If you dare to interfere, I shall expel you.

Reno, Reno...

Get me some bubbles quick. Hurry up.

Never in 30 years of the theatre.

Hurry up with those bubbles.

Professor, I've asked, now I'm telling you.

Keep off that stage.

Get out there and do something. I don't care what you steal.

I steal nothing. Originality, personality.

- and unction, that's me. - Get out there and do it.

What are you doing, coming out here and spoiling my act?

My public! My dignity!

Miss Espere. Maybe you can tell me? Where is my thing?

Give me a bubble, quick.

Send the girls on for the chorus number.

Stand by to give James a bubble.

Hurry up. Get out there quick.

Formation!

No, no, no. Retire! Retire!

You lose my thing. You gotta find my thing!

It's a mad house! They're crazy!

I'm crazy.

Give me that snow. If they want snow...

- Stay off... - I don't care.

Say, who's the owner of this show?

I am.

You're great. You've got a funny comeback for everything.

I've caught a lot of comedians,

But you were the funniest close I've ever seen.

I've got to get the Professor off this stage.

What do you suggest, Reno?

We could put him up in the fly gallery.

It's a great idea.

I want to be sure you get a good view of this bicycle race.

- We want to get your reaction. - I want you up in the flies

You want me up in the flies?

I'm already well up in domestic insects,

No! I want you up in the fly gallery.

I want you to get an uninterrupted view of all that goes on.

- That's very thoughtful. - I just thought of it.

Just like Mr. Rayburn. Always giving someone else a break.

Right up there.

Tie him to something.

Not up there. You'll get dizzy in those high altitudes.

Hang on now.

What are you doing here?

Where's Jimmy, where's Espere?

He can't win. He can't win.

Father, father! You must win.

Faster, Charlie.

Father!

Stop the motor!

He'll kill himself...

Stop the motor. What the matter?

I told you to tie him up there. What's wrong with you?

He's ruined my act!

There has been a slight departure from the routine...

this section of the entertainment.

- What d'you want me to do? - Walk on your hands. I don't care.

Remember, I'm an artist.

Due to a few mishaps, there has been a...

a slight delay in our performance.

But now that we are well organized, we will continue...

Here he comes!

- Why can't they stop that cyclorama? - They broke the main shaft.

Shoot him. They'll think it's part of the show.

Ladies and gentlemen...

- What a night! - Listen. They're still applauding.

It's a smash hit.

Listen Rayburn, you've double crossed me.

Why didn't you show me this at the rehearsals?

Why not tell me the Professor was a comedian?

- Where is Post? - Out there somewhere.

Didn't I tell you we'd knock them dead?

Mr. Billing is looking for you Professor Post.

What d'you mean? Is this Post?

Why didn't you say? I've been looking for him all night.

- Are you T D Post? - Yes.

What d'ya mean a tall guy?

Can I help it if he shrinks from process servers?

What about this injunction? $10,000 in costs. Will you settle it?

- James will take care of it. - Here he is.

Congratulations.

You fooled me, but you've got a hit.

Don't let it go to your head. I want to talk business.

- This gentleman comes first. - Alright, I can wait.

Remember, don't sell the show, till you get my figures.

- What about the $10,000? - Don't listen to that piker?

10,000? I'm talking regular money.

100,000!

100,000 for a half interest in the show. what do you say?

- Take it. - I accept.

Fine. I'll have the contracts made up first thing in the morning.

What about our account? Will you settle or not?

Mr. Billings, my junior partner, takes care of small details.

Hey, you!

Miss Pansy.

We're in, we're in. What did I tell you?

Please... do something.

One act... Two acts...

Then everything is all over. I never find my thing here.

Now wait. Let us settle this definitely.

What is it you are looking for?

Please, my thing here that...

It ain't on the prop list.

That's my thing!

That's my cradle!

But what is it?

That you put in the mouth.

- Where's the Professor? - I don't know. Maybe he beat it.

Take it away will you.

Timoleon!

We've got an engagement!

And you're going to have to do plenty of explaining.

I'm fully aware of the facts.

The events of the past few minutes have not been strictly conventional.

Therefore I feel it necessary, to clarify...

A situation which otherwise might be filled with doubt.

This I will do.

Through the medium of a much quoted but pungent phrase.

Nuts to you!

Subtitles: Corvusalbus