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(TWO PRINCES PLAYING)

JAMIE: Whoo!

Oh, yeah! Yeah, you want to dance?

You don't mind if l get up in there, do you?

(TWO PRINCES PLAYING IN THE STORE)

- This is kind of sexy. - Yeah. Love it!

You're kind of sexy.

You should take one of these. Very lightweight on your shoulders, ladies.

Try it out, try it out. There you go. Feels good, yeah?

Whoo!

Whoo!

Here.

Follow me, ladies. Follow me to the cash register.

I see you guys. You guys look like you smoke weed, right?

Okay, you're gonna smoke a bowl, you're gonna buy one of these TVs.

Philips, all right. You know, you're kind of high, feels good.

Samsung, kind of last year.

Magnavox, bam!

That's an explosion! You're stoned, it'll blow your mind!

You want to go really small, I got this one.

Really small. Look at this flip-phone. Look.

(MIMICS OLD MAN'S VOICE) "Hello, Joan. What are you doing?"

- "l don't know. What are you doing?" - (NORMAL VOICE) "I'm great."

- You are so bad. - Guys? Christy.

Hey.

(CHUCKLING)

Said one, two princes kneel before you

That's what I said now

Here, take my card. Take my card.

Take my card. Okay? Take my card.

Go, Joan. Go, Joan. Go, Joan. Go, Joan.

In the house. Go, Joan. Go, Joan.

Oh. Sorry, Joan.

(CHRISTY MOANING)

Okay, squeeze the nipple. Squeeze the nipple. Harder.

Okay. Oh, my God!

- What are you doing? - Feel that.

(TWO PRINCES BLARING ON SPEAKERS)

We can't do this. Jerry's right out there.

He can watch.

What makes you so damn sexy?

Oh, my God.

(AUTOMATIC DIALING)

- (CELL PHONE RINGING) - I promise you, man,

80 watts is more than you'll ever need for a living room.

Excuse me.

- Hello? - CHRISTY ON PHONE: Oh, Jesus. Harder.

Oh!

- Okay. Oh! - What the...

- JERRY: You fucking piece of shit! - (SLAPPING)

You fucked up son of a bitch!

Christy! What the hell is wrong with you?

- How can I ever trust you again? - CHRISTY: I don't know. I'm so sorry.

- What the fuck is wrong with you? - No, l...

You know, Fujitsu makes the same unit for 40 bucks less.

- Really? - Yeah, but they don't sell it here.

Oh...

But I could get it for you, if you want.

Oh! Are you, like, okay?

- Oh. - (AMBER LAUGHS)

- Yeah. - Okay.

Give me your number. I'll let you know when I have it.

Um...

- What's your name? - Amber.

- You have beautiful eyes. - JERRY: Shut the fuck up, Christy!

You.

Don't you ever fucking come in here again!

You know what? You owe me commission on $54,000 worth of second-rate,

knock-off, gray-market, off-brand, overpriced equipment, you son of a bitch.

I'll fucking kill you, you piece of shit!

You know what? Why don't you just send it to me?

Christy knows the address.

Amber! 434-6603!

JOSH: Why don't you tell Daddy

what a downtown Chicago hospital is really like?

Patient brought in with chills, nausea, ischemia, clearly in shock.

Did you do a CBC?

HELEN: Excuse me, our protocols didn't exist when you went to medical school.

Oh! Yes, I've been under a rock these past 30 years.

How many transdermal intubations have you personally done?

My dear, I teach medicine. I no longer sully my hands touching actual patients.

- Ha! - Touch patients?

Why would anybody want to do that?

You are not allowed in this conversation.

Excuse me. I've helped more patients than you ever will.

Can I pour this drink on your head?

What is wrong with getting rich?

God only knows you can't do that in medicine anymore.

- He's right about that! - Don't help him justify his laziness.

I already justified my laziness.

It's called $35 million on my first IPO.

Jamie, help me.

- He's a geek who got lucky. - And he'll always be a geek.

(MUFFLED) Yeah? Well, this geek is taking back your shares.

JAMES: I don't blame you.

The profession was ruined when they let women in.

I'm killing both of you.

I'm killing all of you if you don't get in there and sit down.

And we get to keep all the shares.

- Ugh! - JOSH: All right.

- NANCY: Jamie! - (RASPBERRYING)

JAMIE: Of course, it really happened.

Who wants to see a movie about protesting?

Whatever.

To the sale of Josh's company!

- Whatever the hell it does. - Yes!

Long live medical software.

And med school dropouts everywhere.

You'd better give some of this money away,

- that's all I have to say. - Not gonna happen.

Jamie, what are you up to these days?

- Jamie's selling high-end stereo equipment. - Ha!

Not anymore.

What do you mean?

Well, let's just say Jamie had a falling out with management.

(SIGHING)

I thought you were in real estate.

I am looking for other opportunities.

We're living through the greatest creation of wealth in modern history,

and my brother decides to quit.

Josh has been talking to me about pharmaceutical sales.

Pharmaceutical sales?

JOSH: Pharmaceutical sales.

You know, medicine that's supposed to help people get better.

(MUFFLED) Remember Timmy, my roommate from Brown?

He's a VP at Pfizer. So I said to Jamie,

"Jamie, if you suck on my cock, I'll get you an interview."

- Oh, Josh, watch your mouth! - Watch your mouth!

I said no, Mom. I said no.

(CHUCKLING)

Why would you wanna be a pharmaceutical rep?

"Why would you wanna be a pharmaceutical rep?"

Because it's the only entry-level job in America that pays over 100 grand a year.

- That's why. - HELEN: No.

Those people come into our office with their roller bags and samples,

like door-to-door-salesmen.

They are door-to-door-salesmen,

only what they're selling grosses $87 billion a year!

Yeah, and they're turning complex medical decisions

- into Madison Avenue impulse buying. - Oh, my God.

Look, I'm not selling to the patients, okay?

No. No, the patients just see the commercials on TV...

I'm not even doing the job yet!

...and demand their name-brand drugs from the doctors...

- JAMIE: Calm down, you're freaking out. - ...and there you are to supply them.

JAMIE: This is so crazy

that you're yelling at me for nothing! I'm not doing it!

If you barbarians won't be still and finish this lamb,

none of you will get the chocolate cake.

ALL: Yes, Mom!

(JOSH INHALES SHARPLY)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, Jamie, if you could make money fucking,

you'd be even richer than me.

(EXHALES)

I'll call the Pfizer guy in the morning.

MAN ON LOUDSPEAKER: Let's welcome the class of 1997 trainees!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

This is not a pill. This is tens of millions of dollars in research.

This is thousands of hours of hard labor.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is software.

Your training will last six weeks.

Each of you will leave here a fully qualified health care professional.

That's 33% fewer phone calls for you at 4:00 a.m.

That's 33% less angry... Shit!

Your job will be to go fight illness.

(MACARENA PLAYING)

Hello... Fuck!

Shit!

Ah! Fuck! Ah! Shit! Ow!

Off-label uses are benefits not yet recognized by the FDA.

But you can boost sales by hinting at what these uses are.

Hello, Doctor. Do you know that prescribing Zithromax...

Prescribing Zithromax... (SIGHS)

(BABBLING)

Bonjour, Doctor!

(FRENCH ACCENT) Prescribing Zithromax... Zithromax.

Ah!

Zoloft, a drug approved solely for the treatment of depression.

Off-label uses: alcoholism, bulimia, PMS,

smoking, social anxiety.

Is there a question?

Zoloft has been associated with suicidal ideation in teenagers.

Unproven.

Proven. Unreported.

Your job will be to go share this technology.

Your job will be to go save lives.

The health care industry today is worth $2 trillion a year.

The top 10 pharma companies make more money

than all 490 of the other Fortune 500 companies combined.

- What family is Feldene a part of? - Non-steroidal...

Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory. An NSAID.

A better world, that's why we're here.

Lipitor in Palm Beach!

Xanax, New England!

(CROWD WHOOPING)

What about you, Jamie-bamie?

Zoloft and Zithromax in the Ohio River Valley.

Welcome to Pfizer!

(ALL APPLAUDING)

What are you thinking about?

Money.

(LAUGHING)

BRUCE: Pay attention.

We are not going door-to-door selling oatmeal cookies for the Girl Scouts here.

You are not the goddamn Avon lady. You understand what I'm saying?

This is hardcore sales, and you have a quota.

And people at the home office keeping track of that quota.

And your cold calls, and your mileage, and your receipts.

How often you goddamn masturbate.

What is the quota for masturbation?

You can masturbate as much as you like, smartass,

as long as you make a lot of money.

Okay.

BRUCE: Voila! Okay, now, remember.

Hospitals have a no-reps policy.

Doesn't mean we can't give the docs a nice, dry walk from their cars.

All right?

There he is. All right.

No time like the present.

- Get your head in the game. - All right.

- Remember, Pfizer makes his life better. - Okay.

Pfizer makes his patients happier,

- so he makes more money. - Okay.

- Wait, the pens, the pens! - Oh, the pens!

Always lead with a pen.

Gifts establish reciprocity!

(HORN BLARING)

JAMIE: Doctor!

Hey, Doctor, Jamie Randall. Pfizer. How are you doing?

- No, thank you. - Look... It's wet out here.

I don't want you compromising your immune system.

Let's talk about Zithromax for a second.

Which part of "No, thank you" do you not understand?

- You wanna take a pen? - No, thank you.

Okay.

That's 33% fewer phone calls for you at 4:00 a.m.

Please stop, okay?

That's why I wanna talk to you about Zithromax, okay?

We are throwing antibiotics at people the minute they sneeze,

and it doesn't work on viruses anyway.

- What's your name? - Goldstein.

Right. Dr. Goldstein, okay, what we're doing...

No, what you're doing is creating classes of drug-resistant superbugs.

And that might be good for business,

because you will develop stronger antibiotics

and ruin people's immune systems altogether.

- No... You... - Thank you.

(SIGHING)

BRUCE: Models. Beauty queens.

Equestrian princesses. Shit.

You know what I heard? They're even starting to hire strippers.

I heard that.

Hey, Lisa!

- Her name's not Lisa. - I know. I know.

But if every time I say, "Hey, Lisa,"

then eventually she'll come up to me and she'll be like, you know,

"My name's not Lisa, it's Jennifer," or whatever, and I'll do a big apology

and I'll say, "l thought you were the Lisa who was mad at me for not calling."

And from then on, Jennifer, or whatever her name is,

will think that I dated a girl who looked just like her, who I rejected.

She'll develop this unconscious need to win my approval,

and from then on, it's cake.

Damn!

Accepted etiquette is one rep at a time. Screw etiquette.

Competing reps are not your friends. Okay, Knight.

- Where you going? - Oh. Sorry.

Knight is a doc you gotta close.

Leads the largest group in the city.

Lots of fucked-up college students on Prozac who should be on Zoloft.

You always bring donuts?

Pharma sales is a lot like dating.

They want you to take them to dinner and pretend to expect nothing in return.

- And no one ever got laid by going Dutch. - Exactly.

Gail, good morning! How are you this fine day?

Sick people touch those.

When I order a second test, it's for a reason, God damn it.

Unbelievable!

That's him. Another time.

If they don't take us in five minutes, we leave. Only losers wait.

There he is.

Hey there, beautiful. How you doing?

Get over here, Trey.

Two tickets to La Bohème on the 19th.

I hate you. Can't you go with me instead of my husband?

Trey Hannigan. Lilly's Prozac rep, top 10 nationally. The Devil.

He's on the phone with Watson. You can go on back.

He's the reason we never make our quota on Zoloft.

- Is he going in? - What a dick!

BRUCE: If we can show 5% gains monthly, we're going to the promised land.

The promised land?

Chicago.

Civilization. Culture.

And not incidentally, my wife and kids.

Only the great and near-great get Chicago,

but I got a hunch that you and your swinging dick

might be my ticket to the big leagues.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Good morning.

Doctor only sees new reps who bring a lunch.

Here's a list of available dates.

- The first one is in five weeks. - Great.

Here's a list of approved foods, no sushi, no salads.

No salads.

Leave your samples with me.

- Hi. - Five weeks.

You're going to like me.

I beg your pardon?

Sooner or later, everybody does. You wanna know why?

'Cause I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen. I'm very trainable.

- What's your name? - Gail. Five weeks.

Oh, Gail, that's not fair.

I'm laying myself bare here.

I'm revealing my true vulnerability. And now you're stonewalling me.

Is that fair?

- That's not fair. - You stay out of this.

Look at you angels of mercy! How do the docs get any work done around here?

Fine. What do you want?

I just want you to let me leave my samples where he'll see them.

'Cause otherwise, you're gonna throw them away after I leave.

Gail. No sushi, no salads.

Who let you back here?

Oh! Dr. Knight! Do you know that prescribing Zithromax for ear infections,

- diarrhea and... - Cindy! Can you deal with this, please?

How about a pen? Do you want a pen? (GROANS)

(SIGHING)

- Okay, Prince Charming, time's up. - Oh! Okay.

Wow! That is a long handle!

- Would you like a pen? - Thanks.

Purple.

- Bye. - Bye.

(WHISTLING CASUALLY)

Uh,

I got something for you today.

Wait, I think... Yup. There's another one for you, too!

(CHUCKLING)

The thing about these pens is that they have tiny little point tips on them,

and then I end up pressing too hard, and...

Hello, gorgeous.

(GASPS) Jamie! Jamie, they're beautiful!

(WHISTLING CASUALLY)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Hey, Lisa!

Okay, this may have worked for you in the past, but let me lay it out.

I became a rep for one reason, doctors.

To meet doctors, fraternize with doctors, breed with doctors.

So next time you see me in the field, don't ask for a handout.

(WHISPERS) It's just awkward.

I want Chicago, Randall. And right now, you're not making it happen!

You're 20% below your quota for Z, you're 45% below your quota for Zoloft!

You want me off your ass, you punk?

There's your answer.

He's got toddlers taking Prozac. He's got dogs taking Prozac.

He'd have rocks taking Prozac if they paid cash.

And by the way, you want one doctor to start writing Zoloft?

It's the guy standing next to him.

JAMIE: Knight? BRUCE: Knight.

Hannigan's butt buddy.

But I swear, he starts writing it, the rest of the docs will follow.

And Windy City, here we come.

- Dr. Knight. - Hey, I'm very late.

- One thousand dollars. - Excuse me?

- It's a check for $1,000. - For what?

For a special Pfizer preceptorship.

For me to shadow you, learn your practice, and better serve the needs of doctors.

Are you bribing me?

No, Doctor, no.

It's a special Pfizer preceptorship for me to shadow you.

(LAUGHS)

Is this a joke?

If you think $1,000 is a joke.

(EXHALES)

That's 33% fewer phone calls at 4:00 a.m...

I'd write a lot more of your scrip if I were a regularly paid consultant.

Well, you know, we can talk to them about that.

They spend $5 billion a year on marketing, right?

Mmm-hmm.

Instead of flying me to Cancún and making me sit through

some bullshit, nonsense, peer-to-peer conference,

just give me half that money in cash.

- Yeah, but Cancún... - Dr. Knight,

- Mrs. Putney's on the phone. Excuse me. - Sorry.

Her daughter has to sing on Friday. They're doing Bye Bye Birdie,

and she's playing Kim, and she wondered if you could call in an antibiotic?

- Sure. Why not? - Okay, thanks.

Hey.

This can't be right. Janice? Janice?

A 26-year-old needs Parkinson's medication?

- Beth wrote that one up. - Hi.

All right, look, if a patient asks, you're an intern, okay?

Yeah. Can I take notes?

- Sure. Why not? - All right.

Hey. I'm Dr. Knight.

- Maggie Murdock. - Hi.

- So your file says, "Kind of an emergency." - Yeah.

My apartment was burgled yesterday, and they took my Parkinson's meds.

But my symptoms are pretty good today, so it's "kind of an emergency."

I know your Lilly rep, Trey Hannigan? He asked Cindy to squeeze me in, so...

Yeah, Trey's a great guy.

Oh. Well, I wouldn't say that.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

So, monotherapy?

Yep. Sinemet CR, 50 milligrams, two times a day,

plus Domperidone to cut the nausea, 10 milligrams, three times a day.

Artane for the tremor, two milligrams, a whole tablet, three times a day.

And Prozac, so that I'm not too bummed

about having a major degenerative disorder at 26.

Forty milligrams, once, in the morning.

Zoloft has fewer side effects.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Jamie Randall.

Oh.

Hi.

Intern.

So, early-onset Parkinson's. That's pretty rare.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. First they thought it was essential tremor, then Wilson's disease,

then Huntington's. Then, they tested for MAS, PSP, syphilis.

I was very glad for a negative on that one.

I didn't really relish the thought of feeling like a 19th century slut.

Let's see. Then, there was brain tumor week, which was very scary.

And then six months chasing obscure dystonias,

but, no, it just turned out to be good, old-fashioned Parkinson's.

Right. And... Don't you have a neurologist?

We broke up.

(CHUCKLES)

And do you have insurance?

Do I have insurance.

Okay.

Well, sure. Why not?

- Great. - Is there anything else I can do for you?

Nope. Oh!

Um...

Actually, yeah.

I have a weird blotch on my breast.

I don't know, I'm trying not to freak out about it.

- Well, let's have a look. - Great.

Here you go. Do you see that?

- That's a spider bite. - Is it?

STAN: Yeah, that's a spider bite.

- Great! - (LAUGHS)

STAN: All right.

- There you are. - Thank you, Dr. Knight.

Sure.

You're welcome.

- You're a drug rep? - (GROANING) Wait...

You let me take my shirt off, you fucking creep!

Wait, wait, wait. I'm hurt.

- Your buckle just hit my eye. - No, it didn't.

- I'm hurt. I'm hurt. - Oh, my God.

Who said I was a drug rep?

Excuse me, look at your bag!

I don't think you're going to the fucking airport.

Okay, look, just apologize, okay? Just apologize.

Would you do that just once?

I would actually like to hear someone from the medical community actually apologize!

Okay. Okay, I apologize.

I apologize on behalf of all the arrogant, faceless, cut-off, asshole doctors out there

who've treated you like a non-person while peeking at your breasts.

(SCOFFS)

So what's your name?

You're good.

Strong eye contact. Implied intimacy. You'll make your quotas.

Let me take you out for a cup of coffee then.

Whoa! What was that for?

Eat shit and die, that's what that was.

No, wait, wait! Hold on one second! I can do a better apology!

(EXHALES)

'Cause I want to know.

(WHISPERING) The same white tights I wear every single day.

You are out of your mind.

All right, nothing underneath?

(SNICKERING)

- You're bad! - So,

I need the number of a patient he saw yesterday.

A Murdock, or something like that.

You want Maggie Murdock's number?

Yes. Because she mentioned, like, six neurologists,

and Pfizer's coming out with a new Parkinson's med,

and I wanna contact them all, and I wanna make a lot of money,

Miss None Of Your Business.

- We're not supposed to give out numbers. - What?

You gave me your number, you bad girl.

Do your friends know how bad you really are?

Jamie!

Because if they knew how bad you really are...

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Listen, I promise I'll wear the stethoscope next time we play naughty nurse.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

546-2312.

Okay, I got to go. Thanks, bye.

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

What are you doing here?

(SOBBING) I'm all fucked up!

- Farrah kicked me out. - No way.

Can you believe that? I think she's fucking somebody already, I swear to God!

- Why did she kick you out? - I don't know, Jamie!

- Jesus! - She said I was addicted to Internet porn.

- Are you? - Of course I am!

Fuck! Isn't everybody?

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

(GASPING) I can't breathe.

I'm having a panic attack.

- Do you have any Ativan? - We're Xanax.

Fine, Xanax! You have any samples of Xanax?

Jamie, I'm in a really vulnerable place right now.

(STIFLED SOBBING)

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Hey, hey, hey.

Come here, come here, come here. It's okay.

Dude! Dude!

We're not huggers.

Faster. Come on! We got this!

- Josh, will you turn that down? - Oh. No.

Josh!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

- Hello? - Why did you take that picture?

(CHUCKLES)

Is that the girl with the tits?

How'd you get my number?

What, you called Knight's office?

(MOUTHING WORDS)

- How'd you get my number? - From the receptionist.

Who you're fucking.

(WHISPERING) What'd she say?

JAMIE: Have coffee with me.

- Why? - Because I'm a drug rep.

I'm not a creep.

(LAUGHS)

Same thing.

Look, I'm sorry that I stared at your tits, but they're really nice.

- (SNICKERING) - (MOUTHING WORDS)

Hello?

Yes. Yes.

Oh, I thought you hung up for a second.

Should I have?

What, and miss the opportunity of insulting me?

Oh, you like being insulted?

(CLATTERING)

Hold on a second.

Ow!

Um...

By the right person.

Oh, my God. This is a sales call, isn't it?

You're gonna stay on the phone with me until I say yes, aren't you?

Well, I take my work very seriously.

5:00, Lulu's on Clark.

All right. Bye.

Ow!

Why is your answer to everything violence?

I said 5:00.

(STANDING IN THE DOORWAY PLAYING IN THE CAFE)

- Very cute. - Oh! Please, you can have him.

Khaki pants? No, thanks.

So... What's your name?

Jamie Randall.

Jamie, right. Okay, sorry. What's your game?

My game?

I'm sorry, right, this is the part where we talk about

where we come from and what we majored in, in college.

You have beautiful eyes.

That's it? That's the best you got?

I'm serious. They're beautiful.

Well, thank you. Let's see, what else? My childhood? When did I get sick?

So, are you always this mean?

Actually, this is me being nice.

So, how's your quota this month?

Have you had your first performance review?

Is that a resting tremor?

Comes and goes?

It's none of your business.

Happens when you're nervous.

Mr. Expert, why would I be nervous?

- 'Cause you're interested. - And that would make me nervous?

Yeah, your mind's telling you one thing, your body's telling you something else.

You left me standing

Let's go.

Excuse me?

You wanna close, right? You wanna get laid?

(CHUCKLES) Now?

Mmm. Oh, right, right, right. I'm supposed to act like I don't know if it's right,

so then you tell me that there is no right or wrong, there's just the moment.

And then I tell you that I can't, while actually signaling to you that I can,

which you don't need, because you're not really listening,

because this isn't about connection for you, this isn't even about sex for you.

This is about finding an hour or two of relief from the pain of being you.

And that's fine with me, see,

because all I want is the exact same thing.

You left me standing

in the doorway crying

Does that mean I don't have to leave a tip?

(BOTH PANTING)

(MOANING)

(CLOTHES RIPPING)

(JAMIE PANTING)

And now you're thinking, "Will I stay five minutes or ten?"

And, "Where did I throw my pager?"

Mmm.

I'm not thinking that. It's under the table.

(CHUCKLING)

You're probably thinking, "What's this guy's name again?" (LAUGHS)

(GRUNTING) Bye, Johnny.

I think it's time for you to go.

Whoa, whoa, I don't need to go.

Well, I need you to go.

(BOTH GROAN)

JAMIE: Oh, okay.

It was nice meeting you.

It was nice meeting you, too. Maybe we'll...

We'll see each other around. I'll just leave the key there.

Thanks.

'Cause he gets up in the morning

And he goes to work at 9:00

(PAGER BEEPING)

And he comes back home at 5:30

Gets the same train every time

'Cause his world is built 'round punctuality

It never fails

And he's oh, so good

And he's oh, so fine

And he's oh, so healthy

In his body and his mind

He's a well respected man about town

Doing the best things so conservatively

And his mother goes to meetings

(PAGER BEEPING)

And she stirs the tea with councilors

While discussing foreign trade

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

What?

Wait! Wait.

(DOORBELL CONTINUES BUZZING)

Oh, my God. What are you doing here?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I know it's so late.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I didn't see anything! My glasses are off!

Josh, turn around!

(SNICKERING)

(JOSH LAUGHING)

Hi. Josh. Pleasure to meet you.

I can recite the six causes of pernicious anemia

and the four stages of terminal cirrhosis.

And by fourth grade, I knew what a distended ileum felt like on palpation.

So why did you bail on med school?

I didn't bail. I just couldn't finish college. I couldn't sit through a class.

Oh. Ritalin at 10.

Eight.

Show-off.

But you were really smart?

Yeah. The prodigal son, with ADD.

You want to know the truth?

Hmm?

I just couldn't give my father the satisfaction.

Does this generally work for you?

What?

This. The whole misunderstood-by-Dad- I'm-a-vulnerable-guy thing.

Usually. Yeah.

Well, it's pretty good.

Thanks.

But somewhere along the line, say, sixth grade,

a girl smiled at you, or a bunch of girls smiled at you,

and, ta-da, Jamie's good at something after all.

Actually, it was the fifth grade.

Why don't you have a boyfriend?

I'm going.

- Why? - See...

(MAGGIE SIGHING)

The thing is, I really like having sex,

and I actually really like having sex with you,

so let's just keep it simple.

I can do that.

Yeah, you do seem like a shithead,

so it should be all right.

There's just alarms going off in my head

that you're not entirely what you seem.

Oh, no, no. I'm a shithead, believe me.

Good.

Because if you turn out not to be a shithead, that would be bad.

I'm a shithead, believe me. Through and through.

(MAGGIE MOANING LOUDLY)

(JAMIE GRUNTING)

(MAGGIE MOANING LOUDER)

(WHISTLING CASUALLY)

Hey!

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, man. How are you?

(GROANS)

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Damaged cells are releasing arachidonic acid.

Your body's converting it to prostaglandin,

which is triggering a fiesta of enzymes necessary for pain.

(RETCHING)

Do you wanna throw up? It's not gonna help.

It's gonna take about a minute for the acid to dissipate

and your natural morphine to kick in.

- You know why I hit you? - (GRUNTING) No! No!

Prozac has helped millions of people overcome intractable mood disorders,

making miserable lives livable.

It's even helped me with some of my own anger issues.

So when someone fucks with my Prozac, it upsets me.

You know what people say about me?

(GROANING) You're in the top ten nationally?

Why do you suppose that is?

Fuck you!

Why do you suppose that is?

Because I'm ex-Marine,

and I'll destroy anyone who gets in my way.

Right.

Shit.

Ow!

Fuck.

I'd ice that as soon as you can.

If it hurts in a few days, get an X-ray.

And stay away from Maggie.

(GROANS)

- MAN: Excuse me. - (SCREAMS)

Are those more samples?

Yeah. Help yourself.

Thanks.

I got a job interview today.

Oh, that's great. That's great.

That's great.

Hello, ladies!

No samples today.

What do you mean? I got great stuff for you!

No samples today, thank you.

She's just a friend.

No samples today. Sorry.

Okay. What's going on?

Trey got to you, didn't he? What'd he give you?

No samples today, thank you. Hawaii.

Hawaii?

No samples today. Doctor's convention. Sand and surf in Honolulu.

Wow. Okay.

Okay.

I got to get out of here.

You're not going to go see her, are you?

No.

Mmm-hmm.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Maggie!

Hi.

Hey, what's that?

Food.

- For? - Eating.

JAMIE: They're my noodles!

(MUFFLED) You already have a face full of noodles!

Jesus!

My God, you are so selfish. You're just like my mother.

Did you sleep with your mother?

Ew!

- What? - You know what?

She's cute, she's available, you'd love her.

The only thing is, she happens to take up all the oxygen in the room

and hog all the closet space, but other than that,

you two are perfect for each other.

JAMIE: Is she hotter than you? I bet she's hotter than you.

She doesn't have a disease, either.

JAMIE: Does that work for you generally?

- What? - Self-pity.

You are a shithead.

What?

Nothing.

This is nice.

Okay, I think it's time to take off your clothes and jump me.

Wait. Am I not allowed to say that?

I don't know.

First you bring food, and then you wanna spend the night,

and then you bring a change of clothes,

and then you bring a razor and, oh, my God, it's a relationship.

I don't want a relationship.

Well, you can't guarantee that now, can you?

You might actually have some kind of

latent humanity that you don't know anything about.

You might like being in a relationship, and...

Listen, I said this was nice. I didn't ask you to marry me.

Well, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was sick, either.

I'm sorry.

- Sorry. - No.

I just... I did that before, and it didn't...

It wasn't good.

I'd just been diagnosed,

and he was married.

He helped me, and it didn't end well. So...

It's Trey Hannigan, isn't it?

- Trey Hannigan? It was Trey Hannigan. - Yeah, well...

Uh...

Are you in love with him?

No, I'm not in love with Trey Hannigan.

I was never in love with Trey Hannigan.

He was... Said he was in love with me.

Which was, you know, a problem.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

- Can we just... - Right, yeah.

- Yeah? Okay. - Yeah.

- Please. - Okay.

You get a special thank you for bringing food.

I do?

Yes, you do.

Mmm.

- You know what? - What?

What?

I got to pee.

- I'll be right back. - All right.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(EXHALING)

Just give me a second, okay?

Okay.

Mmm.

(WHISPERING) Focus, focus, focus.

Should I keep going?

- This never happens. - I'm aware.

I'm serious. It doesn't.

No, no, no. Don't worry about it. It's me. I'm a jinx.

That's really helpful.

You know what? Why don't you talk about all the other guys

that you slept with that couldn't get it up, 'cause then it would really like...

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Just calm down.

Just give me a minute.

Don't worry about it.

I am worried about it!

(SNICKERING)

Jesus! Can you just please... Just show me a little kindness?

Please.

Oh, you lying sack of shit! You do have latent humanity.

- Do you know what's going on here? - (SIGHING) I just want to have sex.

Well, your body's telling you otherwise.

What is that supposed to mean?

Sit up.

- I don't want to sit up. - Come on. Sit up. Sit up. Sit up. Come on.

All right. Now talk to me.

I don't want to talk.

What else are we going to do? You've taken sex off the table.

Oh!

Come on. Come on. Tell me how your day was.

- My day? - Mmm-hmm.

JAMIE: So I sneak up to my room and I white out the "D" so it looks like a "B,"

which I did flawlessly. It was undetectable.

And I go down to his study and I hand him the paper.

And he gives me the face.

And I'm like, "What?"

Mmm-hmm.

And then, from behind his back, he pulls out the goddamn carbon copy

- that the school sent home. - Oh, no!

- Yeah. - Wow.

Genius. Genius.

- You're so competitive. - No!

Yeah! Yes, you are. Oh, my God, I tell you

I'm involved with Trey Hannigan and you can't get it up.

I could give a shit about Trey Hannigan.

All you care about is beating him!

- Bullshit! - You know, it's so prehistoric.

All men care about is performance,

but they have an appendage that doesn't work

if they're worried about performance.

Mmm. Well, you're an expert, so...

Okay. If I'm an expert, then why is your company spending

billions making a drug so that guys can get it up?

Oh, I wish.

It's true. I read it. Pfizer's making a fuck drug.

Where'd you read that?

I don't know. Ask your guys.

I don't know where I read it. I'm a drug slut. I read everything.

- What drug? - I don't know,

but it's hard to believe, isn't it?

It's hard to believe.

- It's gonna be pretty huge, though. - Oh!

When I think of the size of the problem

and that it's growing larger, really...

- Really. - I can't even imagine!

You know what I think...

To have found a solution to the stiffest, hardest...

Wow.

- Pfizer must be swelling with pride. - I'm gonna stop you.

No tickling! Stop!

Stop! No tickling! No, please! (SHRIEKS)

Don't tickle me just because you have a limp sense of humor!

Oh!

Hello.

Keep talking.

No more talking.

Who are all these old people?

Uh... Just some people I work with.

Wow. These are beautiful.

It looks like a photograph.

When did you do this?

Uh...

Back when I could hold a brush. (CHUCKLES)

Here's your breakfast.

- Thanks. - Yeah, well...

I'll call you.

- Don't. - I will.

I'm not kidding.

I can't do this.

I told you.

Okay, then.

See you.

BRUCE: Your problem is you don't know how to close!

You gotta tell the docs what they need.

Somebody says no, that's when the fun starts.

That means you are in.

- My numbers are up. - Your Zithromax is up. Big deal.

We're not going to Chicago on Zithromax.

Depressed people, Randall, they're depressed every day.

You gotta move Zoloft.

- I want you to focus on Zoloft. - Zoloft.

Counseling? Here's some counseling. Stop being a fucking bitch.

Wait, did I use "you" language?

Trial separation.

I'm so sorry. I need to own my feelings.

Fucking pepperoni.

Let me rephrase that.

I feel that you should stop being a fucking bitch!

So, I hear we're coming out with a new sex drug.

- What are you talking about? - Is it true?

- Where did you hear that? - Heard it around.

Sildenafil citrate. It's a PDE-5 inhibitor.

They lucked into it during trials for blood pressure medication.

Guys had massive boners the whole time. Where did you hear that?

- (CHUCKLING) What's it called? - Viagra.

- I want it. - Everybody wants it.

I could sell the shit out of it.

Can you see if there's some Tums in there for me in the glove compartment?

- Bruce. - Tums me, buddy.

Bruce.

Bruce. I want that account.

Why would I give it to you?

Who can sell a dick drug better than me?

Ten years, Jamie, ten excruciating years of marriage.

It's like the lost decade.

Oh, my God!

I don't even know how to hit on women anymore.

What do you do? What's your game?

You need an IBS. Do you know what that is?

Irritable Bowel Syndrome?

An Initial Benefit Statement.

Tell them who you are, why you're there and what you can do for them.

All right? And just be yourself, Josh.

- You'll be fine. - Thank you very much.

Oh! Look who just walked in.

Now's your chance, "Closer."

Show me what you got.

(WHISPERS) Show me.

Hey! Pfizer, how's your fist?

How's your jaw?

Randall, you know Stan Knight, right?

Stan, this is a bright young man from Pfizer.

Yes, we've met.

- Yeah. How you doing? - Fantastic.

New study on Zoloft, 25% fewer side effects than Prozac.

So, I'm feeling good.

You'd do better selling him if you got him laid.

Can you get me laid?

Stan's one of the more respected diagnosticians in town,

but his real calling is pussy-hound.

Yes, and I think your real calling is pimp.

Now, you're banging Maggie Murdock, aren't you?

You are.

You are.

Oh, God, those tits are unbelievable!

- So not fair! - All right.

No, no. You don't see that a lot in the neurologically damned.

What do you mean, "damned"? You don't die from Parkinson's.

Well, it's not much of a life, now is it?

What do you mean? Interferon, L-dopa...

It slowed the progress in the majority of cases.

Listen, Dr. Drug Rep.

You know less than shit, okay? She's a sick girl.

Oh. Is that what you told your wife?

That's none of your fucking business.

Maggie has all sorts of needs,

and I don't think a pussy like you is up for the job.

Right, and a married man is?

- Whoa, whoa! - You really want me to hit you again?

Chill out, man! Chill. Wait! Don't get aggressive.

Don't get aggressive. Hey!

Whoa! Baby, okay. It's okay.

Inter-fucking-feron, really?

- You know what? - Hey.

Easy, easy.

- I'm going home. - No, you're not.

- No, no, no. I'm going home. - Good. Say hi to your wife.

I'm keeping my eyes on you, buddy.

That freaked me out. (EXHALING)

(LAUGHS)

He actually, physically hit you, didn't he?

Yeah, he did, and I was afraid he was going to do it again.

He might have to up his meds, that young man.

Or maybe he needs to change to a drug that's proven more effective

in controlling aggressive behavior.

Zoloft produced 13% fewer outbursts in a controlled study of adult males.

And I think it's...

Turn to your left.

(SOFTLY) Turn to your left right now. Turn to your left.

Those two women, I know both of them.

Which one do you want to take home?

You're a superstar. Confidence is king.

Hey. What do you say we blow this joint, and then each other?

Okay.

Thank you.

We ready?

- You okay, champ? - No.

What are you doing? Are you calling her?

Hey, did she go down on you?

Farrah looks at my dick like it's the Eye of Sauron.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Did you call me?

No. I did not call you.

I think you did.

And what would I have said if I had called you?

That you want to see me?

Well, that would be nice, except I didn't call you.

Do you want to see me?

I'm hanging up now.

No. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

Why?

I like hearing the sound of your voice.

Bye, Randall.

Maggie!

You like hearing the sound of her voice?

Shut up.

Do you have a brain tumor? Were you molested by a Care Bear?

Were you abducted by aliens?

You hate women.

Why else would you screw so many of them?

It's time for you to overdose.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, she rejected you!

That's why you want her.

It's the first time in history that's ever happened.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I was wondering something. Aren't you rich?

Why are you sleeping on my couch?

You're my big brother.

(SIGHING)

Here.

For people who never entered puberty. Take six.

All right.

- MAGGIE: You all right? - Can I pay by check?

Sam, remember I told you that the pharmacies only take cash?

Maggie! Mag!

Um... But, listen, why don't you just get on the bus,

we'll work it out there. Okay? All right. Good.

Maggie, I want to talk to you.

I can't talk right now, all right?

- I'm getting on a bus to Canada. - Canada?

Yes. Yes, Canada.

These people can't afford to pay for their prescriptions here.

Maggie, will we have bathroom breaks?

Sophie, remember I told you that there's a bathroom on the bus?

- Okay. - Okay. Let's go.

- Okay. When do you get back? - Never.

- Tomorrow night, late. - How late?

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