All language subtitles for Jack.Whitehall.Christmas.With.My.Father.2019.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

["We Wish You A Merry Christmas" playing]

[line rings]

Hey, Daddy.

Why are you ringing me now?
I'm just on my way to bed.

-Well, I've got a big surprise.
-Right.

You know the show Queer Eye?

Who the fuck is Queereye?

The makeover show.
The lifestyle makeover show.

Oh no, I know what it is. Yes.

Queer Eye. That's that show
you're always crying at.

That's-- I...

I had something in my eye.

-Hi, Michael.
-It's so nice to meet you.

[Antoni Porowski]
What beautiful pajamas you have on.

Oh, thank you.
I wasn't interested in going to bed.

Mrs. Whitehall, Hilary,
has had a few Proseccos.

[friends] Oh!

She's kind of a little bit, you know...

Oh, my God!

[Jonathan] They're gonna give Jack
a little brother or sister, okay.

[music ends]

[sleigh bells jingle]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Mr. Jack Whitehall!

-[audience cheers]
-[choir sings]

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year ♪

-[audience cheers]
-Hello!

Hello and welcome
to Christmas With My Father.

-[audience whoops]
-Yes.

This is basically going to be
like any family Christmas.

There's going to be arguments,
an uncomfortable guest

and at some point,
an elderly man will fall asleep

halfway through saying something racist.

[laughter]

We do try to get my dad
into the spirit of Christmas each year.

We always put his angina tablets
in the Advent calendar.

[audience laughs]

Last year,
we added a little roulette element

by sticking a Viagra
behind one of the doors.

[laughter]

Yeah. That was a weird Christmas Eve.

[laughter]

I have never seen carol singers
run that fast.

[laughter]

For anyone that is unaware of my father,

he has a very, um...
specific sense of humor.

It's why I can never bring a girl
back home.

The times in my life that I have,
it's always been a disaster.

I always remember one Christmas,

I took a girl back
to meet him for the first time

and took her back to the family home.

My father was like, "Would you like
a tour of the family home?"

I was like, "Please, God, no.

Not the tour of the family home."

I would say
that our relationship was doomed

by the time they'd reached the kitchen.

[laughter]

Because in my father's kitchen,

he has a little wine cellar
built into the floor.

A little wine cellar.

It's a little hatch door
to the wine cellar with a padlock on it.

And my father thought it was appropriate

to walk over it and whisper in her ear...

"This is where I keep my secret family."

[audience laughs loudly]

[applause]

That's not even his worst offense as well.

Worst offense came
a couple of Christmases ago.

My sister, who had been let out
of the cellar by then, she...

[laughter]

She had a boyfriend
coming over for Christmas.

And this boyfriend at the time,
he was a slightly...

you know, thicker-set.
A thicker-set gentleman.

Well-proportioned.

-Jolly.
-[audience laughs]

Morbidly jolly. And...

[laughter]

Big lad. Anyway.

He rings the doorbell.

Me and my sister are in the kitchen.
It is like slow motion.

Both of us trying to get to the front door
before my father can answer it.

But we were too late.

We arrived just in time
to see my father open the door,

not even greet this boy,

just look him up and down

and shout through
to my mother in the kitchen,

"Hilary, we're going to need more turkey!"

[laughter]

[applause]

I'm not letting my mum off the hook here
as well, by the way.

My mum is also mad.

My mum is a dog mummy.
She was my mummy.

And then I left home
and I am now dead to her.

-[laughter]
-And her only child is her dog, Philomena.

-[cheering]
-Yes.

Some fans of Philomena in this evening.

It's got to the point though now
where it is obsession.

It is obsession with Philomena.

My old room at my house
has been cleaned out

and it has been turned into a shrine
to Philomena.

There's pictures of Philomena,
there's paintings of Philomena.

There's models of Philomena.

There's passive-aggressive embroidery
on scatter cushions...

dotted round the room.

"When I needed a hand, I found a paw."

[laughter]

At Christmas, my mum just goes to town
with the presents.

And it is not just the presents
that she buys for her dog.

She also purchases presents for herself

that she then wraps up
and pretends that the dog has given her.

[laughter, applause]

No. Don't encourage this behavior!

We have to sit there on Christmas Day

as she unwraps these presents
that she's bought for herself

and wrapped up for herself and pretended
that she's been given by the dog

and sit there and pretend

that this is the behavior
of a rational human being

and not someone
that needs psychiatric help.

[falsetto voice] "Ooh,
I wonder what Philomena's bought Mummy?"

[laughter]

Hopefully a fucking straitjacket.

[laughter]

Then we have to sit through the next bit.

The next bit is the presents
that she has bought for Philomena.

I mean, my presents now are a joke.

All I get is passive-aggressive presents
from my mother.

-Things like deodorant.
-[audience laughs]

A Babygro last year.
I was like, "I don't have a child."

-[emotionally] "Don't remind me."
-[audience laughs]

Philomena, just ridiculously spoiled.

Philomena got artisan biscuits
last Christmas.

Yes, artisan biscuits.

In four different flavors.

Sat there as my mum's feeding Philomena
this smorgasbord of artisan biscuits.

"Oh, which flavor did you prefer?

Was it the vanilla and cardamom
or the vanilla and cinnamon?"

[frustratedly] "How refined a palate
do you think Philomena has, Mummy?

She didn't seem that fussy just now
when I took her on a walk

and she was licking
another dog's asshole!"

[laughter, applause]

[falsetto voice] "Don't listen to him."
[baby talk noises]

"Don't listen to him, Philly."

"Oh, God,
and now the dog is licking your mouth."

What is that about?

My mother, who is so much of a germaphobe

she will take a wet wipe to an ATM machine
before using it,

yet now appears to be happy to go
ass-to-mouth with the neighbors' Shih Tzu.

[laughter]

Anyway...

I'm being harsh. My parents are wonderful.

They are wonderful people

and they've always been
so supportive of me.

Even when I was little.

Because as a child,

I was a bit of a problem child.
[chuckles]

The problem with me
is that I always wanted to be on stage,

even when I was a little boy,

and I was never cast
in any of the plays at school

because I was
a slightly unfortunate-looking child

and I had a speech impediment.

[audience chuckles]

-[woman in crowd] Ah!
-Which is not the funny bit.

-[laughter]
-Yes, "Ah." Thank you very much.

-People laughing over there, fuck you!
-[laughter]

Okay?

Oh, yeah, laugh at the boy
with the speech impediment.

That's not the bit that we're--
Also, it appears to have come back.

-What the--
-[laughter]

-You've triggered me, bitch.
-[laughter]

Anyway, I have--
[babbles]

[laughter]

[cheering, applause]

I had a speech impediment. And...

[laughter]

[laughs]
And what would-- Stop it! No!

[audience laughs]

I auditioned for all the plays at school
and I never got into any of them.

So then what would happen is that
my parents would complain to the school

and the drama teacher would be forced
to just make up parts in plays...

to shut me up.

And it was deeply embarrassing
for everyone concerned,

because I'd be there, stood on stage,
giving it my all,

my parents would be in the audience,
plastering on a brave face,

but deep down, everyone knew
there was no emu in the nativity.

[laughter]

[scattered claps]

Anyone else
have one of those nativity plays

-where they just let any fucker in?
-[laughter]

Yeah, they're ridiculous.

I was stood up there on stage as the emu,
next to a lobster and Sonic the Hedgehog.

[laughter]

My mum would try to cheer me up about it.

She'd be like, "Jack, you never know.
There may have been an emu in the manger."

I'm like,
"Mummy, let's look at the facts here.

Firstly, emus, native to Australia.

And, more importantly, they can't fly.

So unless this emu
was a very strong swimmer

or shagging one of the wise men,
I call bullshit."

[laughter]

Yes,
I knew that emus were native to Australia.

I knew everything there was to know
about emus.

Why? Because I'm a proper actor.
I had researched my role.

[laughter]

Yeah.

A role that I so desperately tried
to build up in that play.

Oh, I went toe-to-toe
with that drama teacher

over her stupid script.

It was basically all one big circle jerk
to Patrick Windler,

who'd been cast as the donkey.

[falsetto voice]
"Oh, isn't the donkey amazing?

He took Mary and Joseph
from Nazareth to Bethlehem."

Do you know how long it took him?

That 90-mile journey
from Nazareth to Bethlehem?

It took the donkey four days.

Four days!

Have you ever heard of Waze, mate?
That is a joke.

No wonder there was no room at the inn
by the time you arrived.

That single star in the sky
wasn't God giving directions.

That was his Uber rating.

[laughter]

-Yeah.
-[applause]

What do you expect?

What do you expect...

if you pick a dumb animal

with an average land speed
of nine miles per hour?

Especially when,
in the same nativity scene,

you have the second fastest bird
on the planet,

capable of an average land speed
of 31 miles per hour.

"What's that?" I hear you ask?

How long would the journey have taken
by emu?

-Two hours and 54 minutes.
-[laughter]

-Damn straight.
-[cheers, applause]

-Yes.
-[applause]

Yeah.

[applause]

Mary would be giving birth
in the penthouse suite right now

if she'd gone by emu,

and not in some shitty barn
next to a cow and a sheep

and freaking
SpongeBob SquarePants.

[laughter]

It's not just speed as well,
ladies and gentlemen.

Emus are built for comfort as well.

Famously double feathered.

Oh, yes.
Emus are like a cushion on stilts.

Meanwhile, have you seen the state
of a donkey's back recently?

Oh, 90 miles over rustic terrain
straddling that?

All I'm saying

is that if you still want Mary to look
like a virgin by the time she arrives...

[laughter]

-hop on board.
-[audience cheers]

Oh, yeah.

[applause]

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

I think it is finally time
to bring out my sidekick.

-[audience whoops, cheers]
-Yes.

-The Ghost of Christmas Past.
-[laughter]

Would you please welcome my father,

-Michael Whitehall!
-[cheering, applause]

♪ Here comes Michael Whitehall ♪

♪ And here comes Michael Whitehall ♪

♪ So old he might have a fall ♪

♪ But I know he's insured ♪

[cheering, applause]

Can I say something to you?

Because it's very nice
that those people were...

whatever they do, cheering me
when I came on, which is very nice.

Um...

it seems actually slightly louder than...

when you came on. I mean that, no--

-[Michael] That...
-[loud cheering]

I'm sure...

I'm sure that isn't the case,

but it just seemed to me, in the wings...

and it reminded me of that time
not very long ago,

two or three weeks ago...

when we went to see a play

and then, when we came out,
we walked through...

-Soho.
-[audience giggles]

-And these youths were walking--
-Youths!

[posh voice] "These youths!"

We were walking up the pavement

and these youths came down the pavement
in the opposite direction.

Three youths.

And they walked past you,
because you were walking in front of me,

because your mother and I always,
obviously, walk behind you

-in the street.
-[crowd laughs]

We know our place.

[audience laughs]

And one of the three youths saw me
and came over and said,

"Oh, my God!
You're fucking Jack Whitehall's dad!"

[loud laughter, applause]

-And I said to the youth...
-[audience giggles]

or youth-th...

[a few giggles from audience]

"If you'd been a bit more savvy
with the eyes,

you would have actually passed
Jack Whitehall...

who's been walking in front of us."

And he said, "Oh, whatever."

-[audience laughs]
-And then walked off.

The lowest point of my professional career

happened when we were shooting
the last series of Travels With My Father.

Two American guys walked past you.
They recognized you.

Didn't recognize me.

[audience laughs]

They walked past me

and one of them was describing
to his friend what our show was

and this was the description
that I overheard.

He went,
"Oh yes, it's this show on Netflix.

It's about an esteemed
elderly English gentleman

that travels the world
with his doofus son."

[audience roars with laughter]

[cheering, applause]

One thing I want to do before we move on
is I want to set some house rules.

These aren't just house rules
for the show.

I think these are also house rules

that I'd like to take through
to our Christmas at home this year.

And the most important one is,
please, for the love of God,

can we have one year

where we aren't subjected
to your dad jokes?

[audience laughs]

[a few shouts, booing]

No.

I am sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

This has to be said.

You don't know what the dad jokes are,
okay?

You don't know what I have to go through
every Christmas.

Every year, the minute
that turkey lands on the table--

Oh yes, moist.

-[Jack] Oh, my God!
-That's right.

[audience cheers, whoops]

No!

He hates the word.
You hate the word "moist."

I hate that word.

No son or child should hear their parents
say the word "moist."

And it's like it becomes a competition
with you

to see how many times
you can drop the M-word in front of us.

Yeah, I talk about the moist bird.

The nice, fat, moist bird.

And we talk about breast and legs
and all that.

I mean, that's what every father
would talk about at Christmas.

-[Jack] No!
-No?

And the other one, and I cannot bear it,

and it is like clockwork
every single Christmas,

in front of your children,
when you are serving Mummy the turkey,

every year, without fail, you say...

"Does Mummy require stuffing?"

-[audience laughs loudly]
-I mean, I...

I've always...

-Come on, no! Don't encourage it.
-[dad] I've always said that.

-[audience whoops]
-It's just a family joke.

-It's not a family joke.
-[dad] It is.

Mummy never seems to mind.

[laughter]

[Jack sighs]

But this is the problem.

Looking through our family archive,
I've realized you are a serial offender.

This is actual home footage.

Ladies and gentlemen, Exhibit A.

[mum] And the big mother turkey.

[dad] That is a big mother turkey,
I must say.

[mum] Yup.

[dad] I've heard of fat birds in my life,
and indeed I married one,

but that is a big, fat bird.

Oh, Daddy!

[dad] No.

[audience laughs]

-[audience cheers]
-"Oh, Daddy."

Yeah. See what I meant
about the speech impediment?

[laughter]

Yeah, but it's sweet
that you were standing up for your mother,

saying, "Oh, Daddy."

You know.

Unfortunately,
that is not an isolated incident.

[dad] There's a little bit of breast there

and then there's some more breast here.

[audience laughs]

[dad] If you like.

[mum] Jack, mind your drink.

We get the joke.

[audience laughs]

Do you have a problem
with that word then?

Yeah. it's not the word,

it's the content of the humor.

The word is less of a problem.
I mean, it's not a great word.

Well, supposing I used a different word
to "breast". Say...

you know, "knockers," something like that?

[laughter]

What if I said,
"Your mother has fantastic knockers"?

-That would have been all right, would it?
-No.

We were talking about the turkey.

-[Jack] Exactly.
-And the turkey breast.

Which is why "knockers" wouldn't work.

-No, well, probably--
-"Would you like leg or knocker?"

-That doesn't quite...
-No.

No, probably that wasn't
a very clever thing to have suggested.

The thing is, as well,
he has been doing this joke

literally from the moment I was born.

This is a clip
where I am still in the hospital.

[dad] In earlier footage,
we saw Jack's mother's breasts.

[audience laughs]

Jack proving, like his father,
he's a bit of a tit man.

[laughter, applause]

Why has your mother got all this footage,
incidentally?

Presumably for Divorce Court when she...

[audience laughs]

I'm amazed
she's hung on to all this stuff.

Hm. Well, look.
This brings me onto the point,

which is, 2019,
we need to make you more woke.

Awake, you mean?

[Jack] No, not awake. Well, yes aw--

It's just going to be small changes
to your Christmas,

but they're going to go a long way
to making you a little bit more woke.

So for example, this year, um...

will you be providing an option
for vegans?

[audience giggles, whoops]

-An option for vegans?
-Yes.

At the Christmas dinner.

What are vegans? Are they...

-[audience laughs]
-Like a--

Like a vegetarian,
but more, like, hardcore.

What, you mean these vegetarian people
will be in my house for Christmas?

-[Jack] If--
-Does that sound likely?

If I had a house full of vegetarians,
I'd tell them to go and fuck off.

[cheering, applause]

That is not a vegetarian option.

-Right.
-[audience laughs]

I meant like a nut roast.

Actually, no.

I mean, the idea of the dad jokes
that would come with a nut roast.

[audience laughs]

"Ah, Hilary loves a mouthful of nuts
at Christmas."

No. This is another one.

This is for when you're writing
your Christmas cards this year.

Is that, in 2019,
some people are non-binary.

Yep. We are entering the minefield.

-Uh...
-[laughter]

-Non-binary?
-[Jack] Yes.

Have you heard of gender-fluid?

-Gender-fluid?
-[Jack] Yes.

[audience giggles]

[laughter rises]

Was that the stuff
that you left on your sheets?

[audience screams with laughter]

-[applause]
-No.

[dad] When you were a teenager.

-No.
-And they always needed washing.

I always thought, innocently,
that it was toothpaste.

[audience laughs]

-[dad] It wasn't toothpaste.
-No, that is not--

-[dad] That isn't gender-fluid?
-No!

-So what is gender-fluid then?
-Okay.

-Oh, God. Okay.
-[dad] Tell me.

So, in 2019,

people don't like to necessarily
just identify as male or female.

Some people prefer to be gender-neutral

and they will need to have
a gender-neutral pronoun used

when you're addressing them
or when you're writing a card to them.

So we don't have Mr. or Mrs. anymore.

We now have the gender-neutral pronoun,
which is Mx. Okay?

And in a beautifully ironic twist of fate,

for as long as I can remember,

you've been signing off
all of your cards...

[audience laughs, cheers]

with an M and a kiss.
[giggles]

[audience cheers loudly]

You don't realize it...

but actually...

he's a pioneer!

You've been identifying as gender-neutral
for as long as I can remember,

and I am so proud of you, Daddy.

I am so proud of you, Daddy/Mummy,
that you...

[audience roars with laughter]

are non-binary and proud.

So look, this Christmas,
the one thing that I want

is to bring Daddy, finally,
into the 21st century.

So I traveled to Philadelphia

to meet up
with Netflix's makeover masters.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Queer Eye
for the straightest ever guy.

[audience laughs]

So this week's heroes are Jack
and his father, Michael, from London.

The relationship has deteriorated
over the past couple of years

as traveling around the globe together
has taken its toll.

So Jack is praying for a Christmas miracle

that him and his daddy
can finally learn to get along.

-I hope he and his daddy do.
-Isn't that sweet?

-Yeah.
-We can do--

-[door bell rings]
-[all] Come in!

[all] Hi!

-Oh!
-Nice to meet you. Hugs.

-Hey, guys.
-Good to see you.

Not wearing underwear.

-That's a bold choice.
-Who is this strapping boy?

-Good for you.
-Well!

Oh, my God, this is so exciting.

Front row seats
to these creamy British thighs.

-Am I the luckiest person ever?
-[Jack laughs]

Your legs are the same color
as a gorgeous cup of 2% milk. I love that.

-All I see is butt cheek.
-[laughs]

[J] Why did I wear the short shorts?

And the weird thing is
it doesn't get much paler up there.

-It's just as...
-[JVN] Creamy.

I want to see how white it goes.

Can you just stand up for me?
Turn around.

-Do a little stand and gentle twirl.
-Oh, my gosh.

-Nice little twirl.
-[JVN] Not too much.

Wow, that goes white all the way up.

-That's his butt crack.
-That is wonderful.

-It's fine.
-You've got socks on with your Croccies.

[Jack] Yeah,
but I can't be exposing bare feet to you.

And I can see one of your testicles.

Before we start critiquing you
or shaming you,

we just want to say,

I think it takes
a tremendous amount of courage

for you to volunteer yourself
and your dad for a make-better.

I wanted to put Michael forward.
I'm not part of the...

I'm just here to talk to you guys
about my dad.

I think a lot of my attitude
towards style and self-care

has been influenced by my father.

In fact, I would quite like to show you
a little bit of evidence of this.

-[AP] Okay.
-[JVN] We're down to see it.

May I borrow that?

-Yes, absolutely.
-Thank you.

Jack, you're so far away from us.
Come join us.

Yes. Bring that hairy chest over here.
Oh, my God.

-And hairy legs.
-It's a bit Simon Cowell, isn't it?

[Jack] Okay. This is the first one.

He's an extra from Chernobyl here.

-He's one of the USSR scientists.
-Yes!

[J] Russian scientist
was the look that he went for,

but he did have a brief moment
where he experimented.

-I never knew about this...
-With?

-...until I found these pictures.
-With men.

-Good for him. With drag queens.
-[laughing] No, with--

-With lots of men. Like tons of men.
-Maybe.

[J] Look at him! That's him--

I never see old-timey pictures
where I'm attracted to people,

but here we are.

He is very handsome.

Your dad can get it in the '50s.

You have the hots for Michael Whitehall
circa 1950.

-Ah! I sure do.
-He was an attractive man.

Yes, Michael Whitehall. Lay it on me.

[laughing] Why do you...

Give me that pipe.

Think about it.
Just visualize it for a second.

Lay that pipe.

[Jack] Then there was this period,
I think in the '70s,

where he was Austin Powers.

[AP] That's his young Mike Myers days.

Look at this guy. Who is this guy?

Oh, my God.
It's a little bit fab five of the '60s.

Yes!

[J] This was a show called Straight Eye

-that they did in the 1970s.
-[all laugh]

[J] These were the fab five.

I love that your dad was like,
fully gay in the '70s.

Good for him.

But I think this is the guy
that I want to find again.

I want to bring us closer together.

In style and in attitudes.

Will you be up for trying to help me...

-Easy, yes.
-...drag my father kicking and screaming

-into the 21st century?
-I am 100% down.

Haven't had Nando's in a while,
so I think it's about time.

-Let's do it!
-Yes! Woo!

[bright electro pop music playing]

[music ends]

What? We've got no Christmas crackers?

-Not yet.
-[dad] Oh, hello.

-Mother, Father.
-Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Whitehall.

-So nice to meet you.
-Lovely to meet you.

I mean, I've no idea
what this show is all about,

but what I can tell you
is that I've always been a big supporter

of things like the LNER community and I...

[AP] Do you mean LGBTQ, Michael?

Oh, I don't know. Whatever.

So we're going to be having
a little root around the kitchen.

You are aware this is the kitchen?
I know you don't spend much time in here.

-So you don't cook?
-Christmas isn't great.

We have to do a lot of work.
It's a whole production line in here.

And then he will sit through there,
at the dining table,

and then, at some point,
genuinely, ring a bell.

-And then when--
-I do not ring a bell.

-You do! You have a bell!

-[dad] A vicious lie!
-He rings a bell!

-A vicious lie.
-And we have to bring through the food.

[AP] So maybe we'll work on improving
your contribution on a culinary front.

It's important for the whole family
to partake and to make something together.

It's a nice way to connect and show
each other you appreciate each other.

[bright electro music interlude]

Name me one thing that's more iconic
than a Christmas turkey.

-[Jack] Nothing.
-Exactly.

Okay, Mum,
we're going to give you a break.

-I want father and son to connect.
-I will embrace that.

When you want the turkey brought through,
ring the bell.

[mum] I will ring the bell.

This is a really lovely opportunity
for you two to actually connect

-while making something together.
-Yes.

[AP] We'll make the stuffing.

We're gonna combine everything in
and then stuff the turkey.

-Okay.
-Oh, the jacket's coming off.

-[AP] Okay.
-That means business.

[J] You get in there
and just give that a good old mush.

I don't want to mess this shirt up.

[Antoni P] Beautiful.

Look, you guys are cooking,
so now you can actually say...

Next time you're asked
when you last cooked together,

-you can say that it was today.
-[J] Yeah.

If we did this on Christmas,
Mummy could have a little bit of time off.

[AP] Beautiful.

So it's good to go.

-[J] Just spread those legs.
-[dad] It's very moist, this...

Those were two consecutive sentences
I've never heard before.

[J] Don't go too deep.
You might lose your watch.

-[AP] Here you go.
-[dad] Aha.

So just really get it
all the way in there.

You don't want any air pockets inside.
You really want to stuff it.

-Shall I use my fist to get it in?
-[laughs]

That's better.

Right. I think that sort of does that,
doesn't it?

That's not something that I can unsee.

[giggling]

-Or undo.
-Are you happy with that?

So now that would be--
That would be ready to go?

[AP] We'll just throw the bird
in the oven.

Have you switched the oven on?

Did you notice
the way I was looking over at the fridge?

[AP laughs wildly]

How often I've been...
I've been in this kitchen.

-[laughs]
-[Jack laughs hysterically]

-Oh, yeah, it's there. That's right.
-I'll make sure the oven's on then.

[AP] Jack,
if you could please get the door for me.

And in she goes.

Awesome.

[electro pop music interlude]

Okay, so for part two
of our Christmas cookery lesson,

-there's always a lot of leftover turkey.
-[dad] Mm.

On Boxing Day,
it's always nice to sort of take something

and turn it into something else.

So I know that you and your dear mum
love a good curry.

-Love a curry.
-Right?

[dad] So this is coming into cubes.
Is that right?

Nice little cubes, yeah.

[dad] See, I can do this sort of stuff.

-[AP] Really nice job.
-That's good.

-You like that?
-Yeah.

Then we mix that round.

-Yeah.
-Beautiful. So that's ready.

-Should your mum come in for this?
-[dad] I'll call her.

[commandingly] Hilary!

[encouragingly] Hilary!

-Don't call her like a dog.
-Come on.

-I'm not.
-That's not how you call someone.

-Hi.
-Hello.

[J] How spicy do you want it, Mother?

I think sort of medium would be good.

[dad] Well, like that?

[mum] Yep. Don't, whatever you do,
touch your eye after this, Michael.

Don't touch your eye or your arse,
I would say, probably either.

[laughs]

This curry...
I've always put the chillies in.

You can. This is a little more aggressive,
if you put them in this way.

If you stew them in it,
they're going to soften a little bit.

[mum] Okay. And this also, presumably,
is a sort of spice-your-own.

-[AP] Yeah. Everyone has different tastes.
-[mum] Yeah.

Is this one for me?

-That one's for you.
-Lovely.

Hang on,
I think that one might be for you.

No, that's Daddy's.

Oh, that's Daddy's. Okay.

That's... without the spice.

[Antoni P] Okay.

-Add a little depth to the sauce.
-[AP] A nice little umami.

It hasn't got enough salt in it.

-That is absolutely revolting.
-[Jack giggles]

Ugh!

-God!
-[Jack] What?

It's horrible!

Daddy, I put in one chili flake.

Where are you going?

-[mum] He's not good with...
-[J] Why lock yourself in the loo?

[dad] That was absolutely,
it was the most disgusting...

oh, my whole throat's going now.

-[laughs]
-[mum] Okay.

-You should get him a glass of milk.
-Jack.

[dad] I had to spit it out.

That's not the bit
you need to worry about.

It's when it comes out the other end
that it's really going to hit you.

I think Mummy's in for a long night.
[laughs]

[electro pop music interlude]

[audience cheers, applauds]

We will have more from Queer Eye's
toughest ever challenge later in the show,

but we have quite a lot to talk about,
don't we?

What is this?

[audience laughs]

[dad] It was a photograph I did
for charity.

And these ladies were...

they weren't models. They were just--

Kidnapped and...

-[audience laughs]
-No. They--

[dad] The one on the left
was a sort of friend of mine.

I don't know what happened to her.
I haven't heard from--

Well, obviously, I don't know
what's happened to any of them.

-One day they'll find the body.
-[dad] This was quite...

[audience laughs loudly]

Anyway, look, I love this picture.

This is one of the greatest pictures
I've ever seen of you,

so I thought it was only appropriate,
since we were doing this show,

to try and recreate it.

And so I did.

And I was able to track down
those exact ladies.

[audience whoops, laughs]

I'd like to dedicate this picture
to the memory of poor Gladys,

who unfortunately was just too overcome
by the occasion.

[audience laughs]

Now, dressing up is a bit of a theme
for us at Christmas.

And it's only now that I realize quite why
I was so obsessed with dressing up,

because,
for the first five years of my life,

every Christmas,
I was forced to dress like you.

[audience laughs, aahs]

I felt, maybe, uncomfortable
in these conservative clothes,

being made to dress
like a snooker referee, and...

clearly needed to express myself.

And I think that's why, when I was finally
able to express myself with what I wore,

I really went big.

Every Christmas outfit
from that year on...

oh, my God. Literally every Christmas,
there was a new outfit.

We had dinosaur, uh...

there was Captain Scarlet.

Uh... country squire.

-Um...
-[audience laughs]

[Jack laughs]
Oh, look at poor Barnaby in that picture.

-He wasn't happy.
-He was not happy.

[falsetto] "Why is this Gestapo agent
pushing my pram?"

[audience laughs loudly]

Weirdly, it got even camper.
[laughs]

[giggling] The next year,
I had The Little Drummer Boy phase.

This is definitely
one of my campest looks.

[dad] Oh, yes.

[Jack] Look at that.

I mean, it's a strong--

But they've really gone to town
with redacting that guy's identity.

[laughter]

We couldn't get this kid's permission
to use the photo in this show.

I thought they were going to do, like,
a little bar across his eyes.

I mean, that's really sinister.

He was the boy whose willy you grabbed
in the bath.

[audience roars with laughter]

[applause]

He came to stay for the weekend.

You had a bath with him

-and you grabbed his private parts.
-You're making... I didn't. No!

That's why he's been redacted.

-I didn't grab his penis.
-You did.

-I didn't.
-Well, what did you do?

I was in the bath
and I saw a little dangling thing

but I was...

I was curious.
I just gave it a little slap.

-It wasn't like a...
-[audience laughs]

I was a kid!

[applause]

Look, my Christmas tradition
was dressing up.

Your Christmas tradition...

100%, the main one for you
is the Queen's speech.

-Yes.
-[J] Every year, on Christmas Day,

the Queen delivers her television speech
to the nation

and my father wets his knickers

like a teenage girl
at a Shawn Mendes concert.

He is so excited.

Why are you so obsessed
with the Queen's speech?

Who's Shawn Mendes?

[Jack and audience laugh]

He wasn't one of the boys in the bath,
was he? Shawn Mendes?

[laughter]

Why are you so obsessed
with the Queen's speech?

The Queen is somebody that I admire.

-I'm sure you do too.
-[Jack] Yeah.

And when she made her speech every...
Or she still does.

I just stood.

[J] That's the bit that's weird.

I used to get you to stand up too.

-And that's the bit that's weird.
-[dad] Why?

Watching the Queen's speech, I get that,

but making us stand
for the Queen's speech...

for the national anthem, maybe.
You stand for the national anthem.

[laughter]

He made us stand for the whole speech.

For the whole speech, every year.

Look how uncomfortable I look
in that picture.

I've also clearly
been forced into that suit.

Have you ever seen a man
more uncomfortable in a suit?

I look like a footballer up in court
on drink-driving charges.

[audience laughs]

Now Christmas wouldn't be Christmas

without a posh person
telling you what their year was like,

so we have given father
the chance to have a pop

at giving his own king's speech.

Quick disclaimer before we start this.

On behalf of Netflix
and in fact, the entire Whitehall family,

I would like to say that we are in no way
responsible for what you're about to see.

[audience laughs]

Ladies and gentlemen,

please feel no need
to stand for the king's speech.

[whoops, applause]

2019.

What a load of bollocks.

We went from a woman
who looked like she couldn't run a bath

to a man who looked
like he could really do with one.

The Queen must have been so sick of Boris.

I'm surprised she didn't ask Prince Philip
to take him for a drive.

2019 saw a number
of important anniversaries.

It's been 30 years
since the Berlin Wall came down.

And I must say, I miss it.

I much preferred
Germans staying where they're put.

It's also been 50 years
since we landed on the moon.

And we still haven't done
anything with it.

It's the same as it's always been.

A cold, desolate wasteland
covered in rocks.

Scotland in space.

There was apparently
a World Cup of lady football.

I was very surprised that something
like that would have existed.

It's like something in science fiction.

And, finally, Jack introduced me
to something called Love Island.

Who the fuck are all these ghastly people?

Why would they have their name
on their water bottle?

Presumably because they're so thick
they'd forget what their name was.

But I suppose there is an upside.

I mean, I actually quite like the idea
of taking all the dross

and putting them all
on some remote island.

I mean, it's a bit like what we did
with Australia.

And the last thing I want to say...

is a little quote from Jesus.

The meek shall inherit the Earth.

Although, I'm delighted to say, not...

while we have a Conservative government.

Happy Christmas.

[cheering, applause]

The spirit of Christmas.

Now, as a special treat,

I have invited
one of our country's finest actors

to come and join us for this evening.

Please, ladies and gentlemen,
would you welcome,

all the way from Downton Abbey...

Mr. Hugh Bonneville!

[big cheer]

♪ We all love Downton Abbey ♪

♪ We all love Downton Abbey ♪

♪ So we're all pretty happy ♪

♪ It's Hugh Bonneville! ♪

[cheering, applause]

[Jack] Hugh,
thank you so much for joining us.

-This is very-- This is very big.
-[Jack] It is big.

Very big indeed. Very exciting.
Thank you for having me.

Are you ready
for the weirdest Christmas party

you have ever attended?

I've been watching the first 20 minutes.
It's pretty fucking weird.

-[Jack laughs]
-[audience laugh]

Well, we're so pleased that you are here

and I want to hear about your Christmas
in the Bonneville household.

In the past, we've had, you know,
the family over for a few days,

but the tricky thing
is always getting them to leave.

You know, when do they leave?

So I came up with a really cunning thing
about three years ago.

I pretended the whole thing was,
we were on a cruise ship.

That was my gag.

And so we sent out,
a week before Christmas,

this sort of list,
like you would get on a cruise ship,

saying, "Day 1, embark, 6 p.m.

The captain will pipe you aboard
and there's drinks on the poop deck."

Day 2, panto at wherever we were going.

And then cold collation,
you know, in the afternoon.

The day after Boxing Day,
11 o'clock, disembarkation.

"You've had your fun, now fuck off."

[laughter]

My kind of guy.

-Top tip.
-[applause]

I don't like a lot of guests at Christmas.

I like keeping it within our weird family
and I don't want anyone else...

like, witnessing our weirdness.

The idea of having anyone else there,
other than just us five,

fills me with dread.

Well, having now seen
some of your home footage...

[Jack giggles]

I can...

-I can understand.
-[J] You can understand why.

You can understand
why we keep it in the family.

Talking of...

-family...
-[bell jingles]

[commandlingly] Hilary!

-[audience groan]
-Hilary!

[whoops, cheers and applause]

[Hugh, laughing] Oh, Jesus!

[audience cheers]

Hugh, a glass of champagne.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

[laughing] That's very kind.

-[laughs]
-[audience whoops]

She is not staff.

[laughs]

-That is my mother.
-This is actually Mrs. Whitehall here.

[mum] Hello.

-It's a tribute to you.
-Hello, Lord Grantham.

Hello, Hilary.

You look great.
Does she do this at home a lot?

She does. I usually make her dress
like that. Certainly at weekends.

[audience roars with laughter]

-Just neck that. I would neck that now.
-Yeah.

Could I just say that, if they're doing
Downton Abbey the movie two...

-[Jack giggles]
-I am available.

She's ready.

[audience cheers]

Thank you, Mother.

Yes, Hilary.

[audience cheers]

Just settle down, Hilary.

-I know you're excited.
-I am.

-She a client of yours?
-She is.

-Yeah. I...
-[laughs]

I just have one client now
in my retirement.

Look where it got me.

[everyone laughs]

Now, was the young Hugh Bonneville,

at any point,
into dressing up, like myself?

I... happen to know
that maybe there was a period.

Oh, okay. Here it comes.

-[Jack] Look at that!
-[Hugh] Oh, love!

-How cute is that?
-I can tell you when this was.

This must have been 1970,

-because it's the year--
-Is that a Hitler mustache you've got?

It's a Hitler mustache, yes.

This is the year...

[audience giggles]

-[Hugh] I'm guessing--
-It's a microphone.

Oh, it's a microphone.

-Why would it be a Hitler mustache?
-[dad] Sorry.

No, I...

I'm guessing this is 1970, because
it's the year after the moon landings

and I wanted to be an astronaut,
and I have to say,

it was either made of asbestos
or something weird with petroleum or...

it stank. It absolutely stank
and made me feel sick,

which is why I haven't got the visor down.

Because, when the visor was down,
this aroma from all over this strange suit

would rise up and I literally was starting
to vomit and retch inside this thing.

Like me, as well, on other Christmases,

you were forced
into a more conservative style.

-Look at that guy.
-Yes.

[Hugh]
The tie tucked into the shorts there.

[dad]
Why couldn't you dress like that, Jack?

You always had to dress
in all these weird things

and women's frocks and all that.

Why couldn't you have worn a tie?

I did.

You dressed me like that,
then I dressed up, like Hugh.

And good on him for doing that.
We're very similar people, clearly.

Oh, my God.
What did you play in the nativity?

[audience giggles]

I was... I was really...

the first time was really low down.

I think I was...

I wasn't as low as the sheep,
but I was a shepherd.

Because, obviously, if you're really crap
and a nativity play is coming along,

you just get given another sheep.

You just have loads of sheep.

You can't get lower than a sheep.

[audience laughs]

And, uh...

-so I was--
-I beg to differ.

I was...

I think shepherd, sheep, donkey

and then emu
is probably the lowest of the low.

-An emu?
-[Jack] An emu, yes.

-I was an emu.
-Was that your idea?

No. His idea.

-You were--
-It wasn't my idea. I wanted to be Joseph.

Obviously, I wanted to be Joseph.
Or maybe Mary.

There's hope. There's...

-But I was forced--
-There's hope.

There's still time.

Now, I want to know,
did your careers ever cross?

Because my father was an agent,
you are an actor.

-Were you aware of him at any point?
-Absolutely. He was a living legend.

To the extent that,
when I was starting out,

one of my first jobs
was at the Colchester Mercury Theatre

and I was doing a rep season there

and I wrote to Michael, saying,

"Dear Mr. Whitehall, it would be great
if you could come and see the shows

and perhaps we could have a chat
and you could consider representing me."

Fucker never wrote back.

[explodes with mirth]

Daddy!

Never wrote back to Hugh Bonneville?

It's funny you should say that,

because the other person
that wrote to me around that time

was Julian Fellowes.

Julian Fellowes wrote Downton Abbey,
by the way,

just in case anyone's like, "Who?"

And when I last went
to Julian and Emma's house...

he said to me,

"I asked you to take me on,"

and I said, "Julian, I had no idea.

I had no idea that you'd written to me."
Awful.

And he said, "You wrote back to me."

[everyone laughs]

And I said, "Julian, I beg your pardon?"

When we came out for lunch,
he produced...

this letter...

saying, "Dear Julian, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, at the moment,
I've got more clients

than I'd be able to cope with or manage."

But how flattered I was
that you'd asked me, or something.

-"Yours sincerely..."
-"Yours sincerely, MX."

-[laughs]
-[audience laughs]

And... Julian said,
"So what do you make of that?"

I said, "Not my handwriting, Julian.

This is a forgery."

Hugh,
I want to talk about Paddington.

-I love Paddington.
-Oh, good.

That film is so amazing.

How does it feel to have made a film
like that that's just going to be iconic?

People will watch it for Christmas.

I'm really proud of it,
'cause I was very nervous.

Because I loved Paddington as a kid
and I didn't think it was going to...

I wasn't convinced it was going to work,
but it really did,

and I think, in a way, the second one
was even better, so it was really...

I'm very proud of it.

-And you do the audio books as well.
-I've done most of the audio books.

For some reason,Stephen Fry seems to have
monopolized the beginning and the end,

but I'm allowed
to do the ones in the middle, yeah.

Now I actually, this Christmas,

have gone to the trouble
of writing my own children's book

and I've been spending a lot of time

slaving over this
and I've finally finished.

And, this Christmas, I will be releasing
my first ever children's book.

[dad] How've you written a book, J?

You've never read a book.

[audience laughs]

Wouldn't you need to have
a bit of experience of reading

-before you start writing?
-[Hugh laughs]

It's called The Grouch.

-I've written a book called The Grouch.
-Oh, that's it.

And I was wondering, as we had
one of the greatest actors in the world

present here this evening,

whether you might be willing to...

read The Grouch to this audience?

-As a kind of world premiere.
-[audience whoops, cheers]

Mr. Bonneville.

-Thank you.
-[Hugh] The Grouch.

[Hugh] The Grouch by Jack Whitehall.

"Far away in a cave on Mount Strumpet
lived the Grouch.

Here he is with his pipe and ear trumpet.

His heart was too cold
from all his scorn and doubt.

His foot, too big...

on account of his gout.

[audience laughs]

He lived near a town.
Who's Who Land was its name.

Where lived all the actors
of silver-screen fame.

The Grouch was nearby,
of his own arrangement.

For his profession, you see,
was a theatrical agent.

Every Christmas,
when the moon hit the sky,

with his big droopy sack
and a glint in his eye...

[audience laughs]

...he would sneak down to town
and even though it's outrageous,

he'd steal 15% of everyone's wages.

[laughter]

[applause]

[Hugh] He took back the money...

his loving family waiting.

But to spend it on them
he found nauseating.

So instead it was frittered,
squandered and wasted

on lame books about Churchill
and the Grouch getting pasted.

[laughter]

This happened each year until,
one Christmas day,

the actors decided
they had something to say.

'You've taken too much money,

so I'm afraid we're all leaving.'

The Grouch was so angry,

went red, he was seething.

Snorting and spluttering
with a huff and a grunt,

as they walked down the mountain,
he called one of them a...

[audience laughs loudly]

[applause, cheering]

Sat in his cave, the Grouch now did think

how would he fund his addiction to drink?

It was then that he saw a face on TV.

The boy looked familiar, but only vaguely.

-[laughs]
-[audience laughs]

'Hilary, who is this guy
with blue eyes and great hair,

making them laugh
with his wit and his flair?'

'You're joking, Mr. Grouch.
That Jedi of fun

with the amazing jokes,
that boy is your son.'

Pound signs appeared
in his glaucoma-ridden eyes.

If the Grouch had a soul,
this would be the bit where he cries.

'I don't need those actors
with their lovey-dovey crap.

If I want to make money,
I'll jump on his back.'

[audience laughs]

So that is the story,

it is not one of cheer,

of how the Grouch stole Christmas

and his own son's career."

[audience applauds and cheers]

Oh, what a wondrous tale!

Ladies and gentlemen, Hugh Bonneville!

[audience applauds and cheers loudly]

Thank you.

Available in all good book shops.

[Jack] It was so good.

Now time for more Queer Eye.

Let's have a look at how things ended up
between the gang and my dad.

[electro pop music interlude]

[dad] Why am I going to the bedroom?

-Tan is waiting for you in your bedroom.
-Who's Tan?

He's the stylist.

-[dad] Right, okay.
-Hello.

-Hello, I'm Michael.
-It's so nice to meet you.

-[dad] Nice to meet you.
-[Tan] Good to see you.

-[J] Nice to see you.
-[Tan] You also.

[T] Want to take a seat?

-Yeah, sure.
-Shall we do this?

[dad] You know
we had to have that wall sound-proofed.

-Because of, you know, what Mum...
-[laughs]

No, I mean, it's the problem.

If you take on a young wife, like I did...

-I don't know if I can hear any more.
-I don't know if I can do this anymore.

[dad] I'm not saying it's as active
as it used to be, obviously.

I've slowed up a bit in that department.

But she's still, it's like a rattlesnake.

-Anyway, that's not why we're here.
-[Tan laughs]

No. We're here to talk about your clothes.

I think it would be better
if Michael dressed a little bit younger.

I've never seen him in jeans.
I've never seen him in casual wear.

-You know--
-I mean, this is a light suit.

-That's not casual.
-It's not formal. It's a casual suit.

And if you wanted me very casual,
I'd probably take the waistcoat off.

-That's very casual.
-You know.

Your suits live where?

-Here?
-Over there.

-Okay. Can I see?
-Yeah.

I like a lot of these. I love that.

-[dad] Yeah?
-Jack, don't pull a face.

This is a bold choice.

Where are you wearing this?

I think that's nice, don't you?

-I think it's lovely--
-[J] That's for nights out in Soho.

Now that's weird.

You know, I'm struggling to believe
that you wear these.

Yes, I would wear those
if I was wearing a tie of that color.

I like to match.

Oh, so you actually do really think
about how you're accessorizing.

-Yes.
-What else do you do to accessorize?

Oh, yeah, I've got this.

This Prince Albert.

-Which I was given by my father.
-Is it called a Prince Albert?

[J] They used to call it
a Prince Albert pocket watch.

-A Prince Albert--
-Yeah, Prince Albert.

Please don't call it a Prince Albert.

-Why? It's a Prince Albert.
-[Jack] It's not...

-it means something different now.
-Do you want me to get it out?

-No!
-Oh, well, it's out now anyway.

You have to say pocket watch.

I will give my Prince Albert to Jack
when I die

-and he will pass it on to his children.
-God, you're a lucky boy.

You don't know what...

I don't understand
what you're talking about.

A piercing on the end of your willy.

-What? Like a penis piercing?
-[J] Yes.

-That's a Prince Albert.
-[dad] Gross.

-It helps...
-Why would you want that?

You know how you were talking
about soundproofing the wall?

-Yeah.
-You'd need extra insulation

if you got that,

as you'd really please somebody
at that point.

-Especially if you had a watch on the end.
-Yes!

[electro pop music interlude]

Okay, Jack, you wanted to see your dad
in something more casual.

-Yes?
-Yep.

I think we've found something
that you're gonna love.

Michael!

-[dad] Yes.
-[Tan] Can you come show us?

I look like
I've just escaped from Alcatraz.

Do you not feel more casual and relaxed?

You'd be happy walking out with me
in this outfit, would you?

That's not what this look is for.
This look is for chilling round the house.

It's your chillaxing look.

I'm not getting this look at the moment,
I have to be honest.

If you're not, then I've got a back-up,

which I'm positive you're gonna love.

Shall we try that instead?

[Jack] Oh, yes!

Yes!

Yes!

You look great. And the ankles as well.

-Show me more of that ankle.
-Yeah.

I didn't want to moisturize them,
because I wanted that lovely ashy effect.

It goes so nicely with the sneakers.

-That takes 30 years off his neck.
-[Jack] I like that, yeah.

And also, this is great for Christmas,
because if he does start talking

-about Brexit and things like that...
-Yeah.

...we could even go a little higher.

-Oh, inbuilt gag. Yeah. I like that.
-Yes.

That is perfect for any father
this Christmas.

[T] Hilary will love it.
We'll find out what she thinks.

Will you tell us
what you think of this look?

[sniggers]

No, Mummy!

-[snorts]
-[Jack] He looks great.

Could you make this work?

[dad] Could I make this look work?

Yeah, do you feel like this could be
the new you or no?

I think probably not.

[Tan] It just doesn't work for him.

He looks so good in those suits.
He is a sharply-dressed man.

He's not the problem.

That, I think,
could be where the problem lies.

That needs help.

My issue is Jack.
Jack's wardrobe is where the problem lies.

I'm gonna take him back to the boys
and we're gonna solve this problem.

Good.

[electro pop music interlude]

[Tan] Jack?

-[giggles]
-Will you come out and join us?

[Jack] I don't want to.

-[Tan] No, come on!
-[JVN] Oh, my God!

-[Tan] Now--
-Oh, my God,

I am so attracted to you right now.

[JVN] Massive improvement on the pants.

I mean, I miss the VPL,

but other than that,
I am so turned on right now.

I feel like I'm dressed to go and talk
to a foreigner slightly too loudly.

You look so confident and handsome.

Well, if you guys love it,
then I guess I love it.

Let's have a group hug! Come on!

[AP] Oh, my God,
we're so proud of you, man!

Slow-mo, like leaping up.

[audience cheers]

So...

did you enjoy the Queer Eye experience?

-Um...
-[Jack giggles]

[audience laughs]

Yeah. You know, I thought they were...

yeah, they were good. Very good.

-A glowing review.
-[audience laughs]

Well, I want to talk about another
of our Christmas traditions.

-Yes?
-It wasn't just dressing up like you

that you enforced upon us.

You also wanted your children
to drink like you.

This might be the most British clip
that you will ever see.

Just to contextualize it,
when this was filmed, it was 1994.

I was five years old.

Molly was three years old.

And my brother Barnaby was two years old!

-[Barney] More wine, please!
-We just did a snowman.

[dad] You've finished that!

I want some more, please.

More.

This kid knocks the wine back.

[mum] I wouldn't give him any more now.

-You can eat some lunch, Barney.
-One more, Barney, and that's it,

because this
is the Chablis Premier Cru 1990.

[mum] Where's Molla? Hi, Molla.

-[Barney coughs] Wine.
-[dad] Barney's doing a good impersonation

of Mr. Ferry over there.

Sort of knocking it back
and coughing it out. Oh!

M... M... Merry Christmas.

-[dad] Oh, lovely.
-[applause]

Look at little Barney.

He's so sweet.

How do you feel about watching that back?

That you introduced your two-year-old son
to alcohol at Christmas lunch.

No, I didn't.
He had a Buck's Fizz for breakfast.

-Jack giggles]
-I mean, just a... a tiny one.

Anyway, shout out to Molly,

who is watching this evening
in the stalls,

and my brother Barnaby, who is watching
from the Priory Rehab Clinic.

[audience laughs]

So that is almost the end of the show.
All I need to do now is the big finale.

I told you earlier about how I've always
been ashamed of my emu performance.

Well, I figured
that having a Netflix Christmas special

was finally my chance
to do something about it.

[audience whoops, cheers]

I've taken it upon myself
to write my very own musical

that finally places the emu
front and center.

To do so, I've enlisted the help
of the godfather of musical theater,

Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Okay, first up, we probably need
to think of a plot for our musical.

Good idea.

What about this?

Young soprano emu,

who becomes the obsession
of a murderous, hideously disfigured...

operatic emu?

Promising, but it's been done.

Emus on roller skates?

-Honestly!
-Have you got any ideas?

What about the idea of an older emu,

with a son...

a doofus of a son.

Well, I don't know whether that would...

I don't know whether that would work.

♪ Doofus
He was only a doofus ♪

♪ All alone with his memory ♪

♪ Of his days in the sun ♪

♪ Just a doofus ♪

♪ Whose passions were returning to him ♪

♪ Just a doofus ♪

♪ Has begun ♪

Something like that.
I mean, I can see that.

[Jack] I think things went pretty well
with Lord Lloyd Webber,

or Andy, as he told me not to call him.

Next up, the Bonnie to his Clyde.

The Chaka Demus to his Pliers.

Sir Tim Rice.

-Good to see you.
-Very good to see you.

So...

Love Hamilton, by the way.
One of my faves.

Wasn't one of mine, but...

So modest.

I thought there could be a little moment
in this musical where I spit some bars.

-Where you what?
-Rapping.

-Oh, rapping. Sorry, yes.
-[Jack] Yes.

♪ Don't deny, I can fly ♪

♪ I don't care what they say
Things will go my way ♪

♪ I ain't an ostrich ♪

♪ I am an emu, bitch ♪

Could you make absolutely sure

that my name is in no way connected
with this project whatsoever?

[whispers] So modest.

[Jack] So we've got the music.

We've got the lyrics.
Now it's time for the choreography.

And to help me do that today,

I've enlisted the help
of a friend of mine, Layton Williams.

West End star,
seen him in musicals like Billy Elliot,

Everyone's Talking About Jamie.

[gasps]

Ah! Ha-ha!

-Hey!
-[clapping]

Hello. Very good. How are you?

Five, six, seven
and step kick, step kick.

[Jack] It went really well.

I feel like I maybe missed my calling.

I mean, I heard some mumblings
from some of the other dancers.

I think I heard the phrase, "White Usher."

Five, six, seven and boom, and boom.

Ah!

I clearly have a natural sense of rhythm.

Truly? Honestly...

not a fucking hope in hell.

[Jack] It's all coming together.
Time to hit the promo circuit.

So, Jack, I hear you're doing a musical,
a new musical?

A new musical, yes.

I've enlisted the help
of Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber

and Sir Tim Rice

and I am going to be starring
in my own musical.

Fantastic.
And is your dad going to be in it?

No, it's just me.

It's me. I'm the star of the show

and it's going to be me singing
in a musical for the first time ever.

No dad?

No dad. No.

[audience laughs]

That seems a shame.

[audience laughs]

What's the next question?

I'm feeling so confident

and now I think it's just a case
of fine-tuning it a bit, so...

I'm gonna get back in there, finesse it.

Things are looking pretty good right now.

Okay, come on, guys.

No rest.

Let's go again.

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

it's the world premiere
of Emu: The Musical.

[playing "Silent Night"]

[lady narrator] And Mary did have a baby.

And he was called Jesus.

Jesus!

[narrator] And the Lord was pleased.

[clapping]

♪ Perhaps you'll recognize the scene ♪

♪ It's not so strange for you and me ♪

♪ It looks kind of familiar ♪

♪ But look again ♪

♪ What do you see? ♪

[audience cheers]

♪ Forget the donkey ♪

♪ Forget the sheep ♪

[audience claps in time]

♪ Forget Baby Jesus ♪

♪ It's all about me ♪

♪ The emu ♪

♪ The emu ♪

♪ The nativity that we were taught ♪

♪ Turns out not to be entirely true ♪

♪ Here's the Christmas story
You've never heard ♪

♪ The central character
Is a flightless bird ♪

♪ I was an emu ♪

♪ A weakling boy ♪

♪ Till my father, the classic fool ♪

♪ Didn't recognize my worth ♪

♪ Sent me away to boarding school ♪

Cue tiny violins.

♪ All alone in my dormitory ♪

♪ The other emus all ignored me ♪

♪ Sat alone, watching the clock ♪

♪ Me and my tuck box and a crunchy sock ♪

[audience laughs]

-Why is there a guy in my bed?
-No time to explain.

I'm Angel Gabriel.
What's the matter, little emu?

[laughs]
I don't want to be an emu. Emus suck.

Not true, my man.

-Emus are the best bird ever!
-He's kind of intense.

♪ You're the second-biggest bird
In the world ♪

Oh, he's wearing no pants.

♪ You can run at 30 miles an hour ♪

Oh, God!

♪ Rod Hull, he had one
That's a reference for your mum ♪

♪ Yeah, emus are the best bird in town ♪

But my dad says emus are stupid!

Well, your dad's a jackass.

Complete asshole.

I have a message for you!

♪ You've been called by God on high ♪

♪ To take Mary and Joe to Bethlehem ♪

♪ Donkey, scoot on over
Emu is about to fly ♪

♪ Emu is the best bird in town ♪

Joseph!

I don't care what my father says.
I am relevant!

-Damn right!
-Help me. Help me up.

♪ Forget the donkey, stupid donkey ♪

♪ It's all about me ♪

♪ The emu! ♪

And the birth of Jesus Christ, Jack!

♪ That too ♪

♪ I took them to Bethlehem ♪

♪ How can we ever thank you, sir? ♪

♪ I don't want to make a fuss ♪

♪ All I ask is you remember us ♪

♪ Remember us ♪

And give me a five-star rating.

♪ I know it's hard to believe
But it's true ♪

♪ The real star of Christmas
Is the Christmas emu ♪

♪ The reason you've never heard of me ♪

♪ Is they replaced the emu
With a little donkey ♪

♪ Little donkey, little donkey ♪

♪ On the dusty ♪

Shut up! If you are going to sing that
song, you will use the correct lyrics.

♪ Little emu, little emu ♪

Better!

♪ On the dusty road ♪

♪ Emu was the true Christmas miracle ♪

♪ The true shining star
Bright in the sky ♪

♪ For over 2,000 years ago ♪

♪ It was in Bethlehem, I learned to fly ♪

[audience whoops, cheers]

♪ Forget the donkey ♪

♪ Stupid, fucking donkey ♪

♪ Forget the sheep ♪

♪ Blah, blah, blah ♪

♪ Forget Baby Jesus ♪

♪ Wah, wah, wah ♪

♪ It's all about me ♪

♪ It's all about him ♪

♪ It's all about me ♪

♪ All about him ♪

♪ The emu ♪

♪ The emu ♪

♪ The emu! ♪

♪ Emu! ♪

[cheering, applause]

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!

Goodnight!

[cheering and applause continues]

♪ Stupid, fucking donkey ♪

♪ Blah, blah, blah ♪

♪ Wah, wah, wah ♪

♪ All about me ♪

♪ Emu! ♪