Original subtitles

♪ ♪

NARRATOR: This is my boss, Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them, which ain't easy,

'cause when they met, it was murder.

♪ ♪

[WHIMPERS]

♪ ♪

MAN: We commit to the deep the body of our purser,

Richard Handy.

Let us weep no more for the silent dead.

His pains are past...

his sorrows ended.

[SPLASH]

My, uh, first burial at sea, you know.

It's an old Navy tradition, doctor.

And today it served a useful purpose.

Hm.

♪ ♪

MAN: Jonathan. Jennifer.

Laurance.

Good to see you. Laurance, how are you?

Very well. It's not every day

the chairman of the board come to pay us a visit.

This better be good.

Well, I assure you,

I would not have interrupted your vacation

if the problem was not a serious one.

Laurance, is it customary to have all that money

lying around like that?

Well, my dear, I'll tell you what.

You can help yourself.

It's not worth the paper it's printed on.

Oh, not again?

Yep. I'm afraid the tab to date

is close to half a million.

You know, that's really very good.

Oh, yes. They use photo engraving.

The real thing.

The only thing, the ink and the paper,

it's a slight giveaway.

That's amazing.

It looks absolutely real to me.

I thought you told me that you had somebody

working undercover on that ship.

Uh, what's the name of it? Uh...

The Dame Fortune.

As of yesterday, we had a purser with us.

But it seems he was buried at sea.

Nice and tidy.

I don't quite understand.

What does a ship have to do with it?

It's a gambling ship. The money was printed aboard.

JENNIFER: Why?

Well, we think the ruse was they'd have a heavy winner,

and then they would pocket the money.

And so as not to make the owners of the line suspicious,

and also unhappy, they would pay us off in phony cash.

Where is the Dame Fortune tied up?

Oh, no.

Here in Nassau.

She sails at 5.

You...

You have something in mind?

Well, not at the moment,

but, uh, we have all afternoon to think of something,

don't we, darling?

[MOCK CHUCKLES]

My dear friends,

please.

You be very careful.

The ocean out there is very deep...

and very cold.

♪ ♪

[HORN BLOWS]

Sir Charles, how nice to see you.

[CHUCKLES] Thank you, captain.

Thought I'd, uh, try my luck again.

Well, I hope it's not as good as last time, hm?

[CHUCKLES]

Hi. I'm Mr. Maximillian

from Las Vegas.

Oh, well, you should feel right at home here.

I don't know. I've never been to a crap game before

that really floated.

Steward, help Mr. Maximillian

with his luggage, will you?

Pleasant cruise.

Thank you.

Doctor, don't look now,

but your favorite passenger is back.

Hello, Kurt.

Heather.

Hm. Another voyage.

Now, too much salt air is bad for your lungs.

Then I'll have to spend

more time belowdecks.

[CHUCKLES]

Perhaps another time, Heather.

Something just came up I have to take care of.

Excuse me.

My lady, allow me, please, to welcome you.

My name is Dr. Kurt LeGrand.

I am the ship's physician.

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Countess Sofia Federkiewicz.

A deep pleasure, countess.

So, this is your first visit to the Bahamas?

Yes.

Well, perhaps you would join me

for a cool drink before dinner.

Perhaps.

Uh, steward?

♪ ♪

I look forward to this evening.

Thank you.

Steward.

Yes, sir.

You're new, aren't you?

Yes, sir. I signed on today.

Well, please,

be sure to show the countess

every courtesy.

Until later, my lady.

Later.

[BARKS]

[HORN BLOWS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yes?

MAN: Longwood.

Come in, Sir Charles.

Yes, come in. You're just in time

to see Kurt's latest masterpiece.

What now?

Oh, nothing new.

He's just refined the original work.

Yes, it's very nice.

Would you mind if I keep this as a souvenir?

Souvenir?

That has a note of finality about it.

Yes. This is my final trip.

Oh, family fortune's taken a turn for the better?

[CHUCKLES] Well, I...

I admit, I was a bit, uh, down on my luck

when you offered me this position.

Position.

Why don't you come off

that phony aristocratic rubbish.

You're nothing but a shill.

I beg your pardon. You cheat at cards,

roulette, the crap table...

Or to be fair, we let you cheat.

...and then you take all that nice, dishonest money

to our Swiss account.

And for that, you are very well rewarded.

[SIGHS]

Well, look, look. I'm not unappreciative,

but, uh... I just didn't bargain for...

Murder, Sir Charles?

Believe me, I am deeply grieved

at the passing of our purser...

but he left us no alternative.

All right, all right.

But this must be my last trip.

I-I-I just haven't the stomach for this, uh...

This other business.

I do wish you would reconsider,

Charlie.

And things are going very well for us right now.

I shall make the drop in Switzerland one more time.

As a gentleman, I shall honor my final commitment.

See you in the casino.

♪ ♪

It's too bad.

I rather liked him.

Yes, yes. So did I.

But he's absolutely right.

He hasn't got the stomach for it, poor chap. Mm.

Doctor, why don't you prescribe something to, um,

relieve his...

pain.

[CRACKS]

♪ ♪

Oh, steward.

You look beautiful.

Room service was never like this.

Oh, yeah? You can call me anytime you want me.

[CHUCKLES] I will, I will.

Did you find out anything?

I've been so busy being a steward,

I haven't had a free moment.

Well, I made contact with the doctor,

and I'm working my way up to the captain.

Uh, do me a favor. Mm?

Don't work too hard.

[CHUCKLES]

Darling, aren't these passports a little obvious?

Maybe we should put them someplace out of sight.

Yeah, all right. How about here?

Perfect. I've got to go.

Wait a minute.

Aren't I gonna get to see you?

Oh, yeah. I'll sneak in tonight and give you a little kiss

before you go to bed. Oh.

Hm? Mwah.

But right now

Mrs. Goodrich wants her mattress turned.

Mrs. Goodrich?

Yeah.

She's a real heavy tipper.

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

Another glass for Sir Charles, please.

[CROUPIER SPEAKING FRENCH]

Bonjour. Place all bets.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Bonjour. Place all bets.

[CHATTER]

Place all bets.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[ROULETTE BALL ROLLS]

Trente-six.

Thank you.

Good evening, Sir Charles.

You seem to be having a good run this evening.

Yes, I can't complain.

And Mr. Maximillian, how's it going with you?

I can complain.

I'm not doing nearly as well as Sir Charles here.

♪ ♪

It's 7:30, in case you're interested.

I couldn't help admiring your watch.

[ROULETTE BALL ROLLING]

Uh, bonne chance, uh, gentlemen.

And ladies.

JONATHAN: Aren't you going a little too far with the doctor?

Me? Mm.

The doctor's going far enough for both of us.

Every time I look at him, he's taking your pulse.

Do I detect a little twinge of jealousy?

Forgive lowly steward

for falling hopelessly in love...

with a beautiful countess.

Oh, please.

MAN: Ah, countess.

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Uh, thank you, steward.

[FIREWORKS BOOMING]

Fantastic, isn't it?

Ah, yes. Beautiful.

Only the Italians could create such beauty.

Italians?

No, no, no. Chinese.

[GRUNTS]

Is something wrong?

[GASPING] No, no, no, no.

No, nothing's...

No, no, it... It was the Italians.

Chinese.

A little wager, hm?

Um...

Ah.

Fifty dollars

against a... A kiss, huh?

Just a little kiss, hm?

And, uh, you shall hold the bet.

[GIGGLES]

Steward...

Sir?

The fireworks.

To, uh, whom

do we owe the honor?

I think they're included in the passage.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Who invented them?

The... The Chinese or the Italians?

I think that, uh, Marco Polo

brought them over, sir, from China...

along with the spaghetti.

Ah. Ah-ha-ha, you see?

Signore Polo, an Italian.

[LAUGHS] So we're both right.

[GIGGLES]

[GROANING]

♪ ♪

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

He seem to be dead drunk.

He's more than drunk.

He's dead.

♪ ♪

It appears that he died of a heart attack.

Sir Charles has not been in the best of health recently.

I suggest that we go inside.

Perhaps a... A glass of champagne

will serve to lighten the evening.

Perhaps.

Oh, steward...

Please to take my little Dushka

back to the cabin.

Thank you, countess.

♪ ♪

Let's see, Freeway.

If it comes off, it's real.

If it doesn't,

it's a phony.

That bill is as phony as the countess.

[BARKING]

[CHATTER]

[PIANO PLAYS]

And we both have...

Where did your family settle?

For the most part, in Spain.

I myself was raised, for the most part,

in a villa very near

to Madrid.

Ah, sunny Spain.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Anybody mind if I smoke?

What a beautiful case, Mr. Maximillian.

Thanks.

Frank gave it to me.

Frank?

Yeah, you know. Little Ol' Blue Eyes.

Uh, countess,

I asked you if you like the flamenco guitar.

Oh, forgive me, captain.

I was thinking...

about my family.

All the beautiful things that were lost

by my family.

Ah, but...

they were able

to take one thing.

The czar gave to my great grandmother

this.

Exquisite. You know,

I've seen one just like that. Um...

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Uh, captain, please.

Where's Edmund tonight?

Edmund is ill, sir.

I'm sure he'll be seeing you soon.

I'm Jack.

What's Jack short for? John?

Jack, madam,

is short for jack-of-all-trades.

[ALL LAUGH]

Countess...

the view from the captain's bridge

is very impressive.

Oh.

It's also very private.

And perhaps, after dinner,

you would join me up there... Oh, you...!

I'm terribly sorry.

Excuse me.

Uh, ground pepper?

No.

Ma'am?

No.

Let me get that for you, sir.

Thanks, Jack.

Ah... w-waiter?

Waiter, would you be so kind

to get my napkin?

There's another thing, countess.

No cruise in the Caribbean

is truly complete

until you've had a long starlit walk

on the promenade.

WOMAN: Do you live in Las Vegas all the time?

MAX: Yeah. Except when I'm in Atlantic City, dear.

♪ ♪

Doctor.

[PEOPLE GASPING]

Doctor, control yourself.

♪ ♪

Champagne, countess?

Oh. Thank you, Jack.

Mr. Maximillian?

Thanks, Jack. I'll have some.

Sir.

You know,

if you really get good at this,

we'll be able to use you at home.

[CHUCKLES]

[NORMAL VOICE] My, my, Jack.

We certainly have moved up in the world fast, haven't we?

Thank you, madam,

for inquiring of Edmund's health.

He's doing just fine.

[WITH ACCENT] Excellent.

Believe me,

Edmund's illness cost me plenty.

I felt like giving him that phony 50 Sir Charles gave you.

[NORMAL VOICE] Do you think Sir Charles

was in this from very beginning? Yes, I do.

And I think he'll get the same treatment that the purser did.

Um, come to think of it...

since you're so chummy with the doctor,

do you think you could get the key to the infirmary?

Do you want me to pick his pocket?

I would prefer if you didn't get that close to him. Oh.

What's this with the infirmary?

JONATHAN: The police report that Laurance gave me

mentioned traces of oil of wintergreen in the ink.

[WITH ACCENT] Thank you, Jack.

I'm off.

Mr. Maximillian.

Listen, countess, I'm shoving off.

I feel a hot roll coming up.

Mr. Maximillian.

Oh, doctor.

I'm sorry.

Duties of the ship's physician.

[CHUCKLES]

JENNIFER: And am I one of your duties?

No. For you,

I'll be the patient.

[LAUGHS]

Oh. Oh!

[DOCTOR CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

No, no, no. It is no problem at all.

After all, it is I who spilled the champagne.

But white wine doesn't stain, countess.

But it will not help the appearance of your jacket.

Well, frankly, a little stain

is worth an invitation to your cabin.

[LAUGHS]

Come, come, come, take it off.

Gladly.

Now, please to make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

[GASPS]

DOCTOR: Anything wrong?

No, no, no.

[LAUGHS] The water is very cold.

One minute.

[WHISPERING] What are you doing here?

[MOUTHS] Key.

[SIGHS]

How are you doing?

Excellent well!

Will only be one moment!

[NORMAL VOICE] Jonathan...

What's that?

I was, uh, singing.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

♪ Johnny-thin, Johnny... ♪

Beautiful song.

[MOUTHS INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHS] Ah.

There we are. All ready.

Ah, good.

So now it's perfect again.

It's very nice.

Very good.

Countess, such a beautiful woman.

[JENNIFER CHUCKLES]

Ahh! Everything about you is so exciting.

We only have a few days.

[GASPS] We shouldn't waste time.

Ahh!

Wha... W-what happened?

My back.

Your back?

Oh!

It's in spasm.

Spasm? Uh-huh.

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING] Easy, easy, easy.

This happened before.

I must go to bed.

Oh, that's exactly what I prescribe, countess.

Alone.

I must go to bed alone.

Wet heat is the very best thing for it.

A nice, long hot shower.

Yes.

No!

Oh, wait!

[GASPS]

[WATER RUSHING]

Oh! Doctor's orders.

And a deep massage.

Come on, off with your clothes.

No, no, please, I have my own remedy.

Please. I must be left alone.

I will rest.

No visitors. Absolutely none.

Are you sure you think that's what's best for you, countess?

[SIGHS]

You are so kind.

Call me in the morning.

I will.

I'll... I'll call you in the morning.

[GROANS]

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

♪ ♪

Jonathan?!

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[CHATTER]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Where have you been?

The countess.

Short visit.

She wasn't feeling very well, so she retired early.

Why?

Because I have more than a gut feeling

she's no countess.

[CHUCKLES]

How did you make that diagnosis?

Raised in Madrid,

yet she didn't speak one word of Spanish.

What's that supposed to mean?

[SCOFFS]

My cigar case.

Mr. Maximillian, what's wrong?

My cigar case is gone.

But you had it at dinner. I remember seeing it.

That's right. And then after dinner...

You were on deck with the countess.

That's right, I remember showing it to the countess.

And then...

Gee, that's the last I saw of it.

Well, don't worry, Mr. Maximillian.

I shall attend to this personally.

Thanks, captain, I appreciate it.

♪ ♪

Looks as if your countess

has made a miraculous recovery.

Come on.

[BARKS]

Shh.

Shh, shh. [WHIMPERS]

This is silly.

I think you're overreacting.

Leave my character analysis

to my psychiatrist.

[BARKS]

Shh. Shh.

[WHIMPERS]

I think your countess

has taken up cigar smoking.

[SIGHS]

Doesn't, uh, necessarily mean anything.

I mean, she could have found it on a table, uh...

Three passports.

She is insecure.

♪ ♪

It's me.

Where have you been?

Mrs. Goodrich.

Mrs. Goodrich?

She couldn't go to sleep until she had her warm milk.

Oh.

Did you find anything?

Yes. Look at this.

Does it feel familiar?

It's the same.

And look at that.

It's the same size.

There's something else.

Smell.

Wintergreen. Mm-hm.

I think we struck ink.

That means the press must be here someplace, too.

Well, the only thing big enough

is the examination table.

You try any of these switches?

No.

♪ ♪

Well.

Kurt certainly was expanding his practice.

JONATHAN: But the engraving plates are missing.

Darling... we ought to get out of here.

You're right.

I thought you wanted to find the countess.

We'll find her soon. I need something to settle my stomach.

There's something in the infirmary.

You better go into your act.

Uh... Uh.

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Oh. Let go of me!

No, let me alone!

Oh, no!

[GRUNTS]

CAPTAIN: What's going on here?

Oh, Kurt!

Oh, Kurt.

Thank heaven you come along.

Steward was going to call doctor for me.

When we arrive here, he began to make overtures.

What would I do had not you arrived?

Oh, dear.

How did you get in?

The key was in the door, sir.

It's on the desk.

Doctor, the infirmary is to be locked at all times.

You know that.

As for you, steward, you're on report.

I'll deal with you later.

What would have happened had you not come along?

A fortunate coincidence, countess.

We were about to invite you for a drink.

Oh, captain.

Thank you very much, but I feel I would be much better

if I go to my cabin...

CAPTAIN: You don't understand.

It's time we had a long chat.

In Spanish.

Comprende?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

You grew up in Madrid,

yet you didn't habla one word to me.

[SCOFFS]

I was not understanding your...

limey accent.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

M... I don't know what she said, but it sounded pretty good.

That's very good, countess.

Gracias.

Now... it is late.

Will you excuse me?

You still have time, countess.

Where did you get that?

More important, where did you get it?

I told you.

This to my grandmother was given by the czar.

Oh, and did the czar get it

from Mondale Jewelers

in Beverly Hills?

Ah! The face was cracked. I had it repaired there.

How dare you break into my cabin.

I will report this to the owner of this vessel.

CAPTAIN: When you visit the owner,

I am sure he would appreciate a fine cigar.

Oh. I-I found this.

I was returning it.

CAPTAIN: And when did you intend

to return these?

Those are mine!

Kurt... you are believing me,

are you not?

CAPTAIN: Uh, which one of you should he believe?

Muriel Crawford, USA.

Janine Gaillard, France.

Or, um, Brendita Sanchez, Spain?

I... I'm keeping other identities

because Russian agents always pursue me.

They're always after the treasures of my family.

Russian agents, please.

More likely Interpol.

Interpol?

Why you say that word?

Because you're nothing but a jewel thief!

Is that true?

You're not a countess, are you?

So... who are you really?

♪ ♪

[GRUNTS]

Mona Clarkson.

From... Brooklyn.

What are you gonna do now?

We are gonna return this to Mr. Maximillian

and lock the rest in the safe.

And you, Mona, are gonna be a good girl

for the rest of the cruise,

or we shall lock you in the brig!

All right, all right, all right.

♪ ♪

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Come in.

Good morning.

Morning.

Had a thought.

Mr. Charles retired...

Why not replace him with the countess?

Yeah.

I mean, Mona's a consummate actress.

I had the same idea.

But she'd know too much. It's far too risky.

Why?

We could blackmail her

into working for us with the jewelry.

Oh, yes. It is possible.

All right.

CAPTAIN: But remember...

if she declines our offer,

she'll have to join the purser and Sir Charles

in retirement.

Oh...

GOODRICH: You be sure and give them a good walk.

Susie and Rosie like to stretch their legs.

Steward.

Countess.

Oh, you are the countess.

Oh, I'm Mrs. Goodrich. Uh, your neighbor down the hall.

Jack's told me a lot about you.

Really?

Cute as a bug, isn't he?

Adequate.

This morning he was late with my prairie oyster.

I mean, he can't expect tips for his good looks alone.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Uh, frankly...

I think he has a thing for me.

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

Oh. Mr. Maximillian.

Good morning, Mrs. H... Uh, countess.

[CHUCKLES]

Charmed.

You were right, Mr. H.

Sir Charles has been a break-the-bank winner

on every cruise.

He's probably the shill.

We've got to find that engraving plate.

GOODRICH: Oh! I'd...

I'd like to finish this roll.

Take a shot of me with Sonny and Rosie?

Of course, Mrs. Goodrich.

I want to get them to the photography studio

before they close.

Photography studio?

I'll take them down for you, Mrs. Goodrich.

Oh, thanks. That'd be swell.

I'll just stand in the middle. That's my best side.

Smile and say, "dog yummies."

♪ ♪

[CLICKS]

CAPTAIN: Good evening, countess.

The doctor tells me you're rather upset

about your recent loss.

Yeah.

I want my jewelry back.

Afraid that's impossible.

But perhaps I can make it up to you.

Oh, yeah? How?

Well, as you know, I'm not without influence

at the roulette table.

I think you should try your luck at the wheel.

[LAUGHS]

May I escort you to the gaming tables?

Sure.

Ah, Mr. Maximillian.

Oh. Hiya, countess. How's it going?

Excellent well.

Hello, countess. Good evening.

MAN: Place all bets.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Place all bets. [SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

[MAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Cinq. Blanc.

Oh, you must be feeling very lucky tonight.

Ah, yes. I am betting the five.

It is how old is my little Dushka.

[MAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Voilà! Le numéro five!

Five!

[LAUGHS]

Pay five.

Madame.

Ah, no, no, no.

Uh, let it ride.

Hello, lady luck.

I'll take some of that.

Me too. [SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

I'm with you, countess.

MAN: Voilà.

[MAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[BALL ROLLING]

[MAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Mesdames et messieurs, numéro cinq!

Wow! Wow!

♪ ♪

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[SCREAMING]

Wow! That's six hits in a row!

You gotta have a system!

That's over $100,000!

Well, honey, you gonna go again?

Well, I...

Good gambler knows when to quit, countess.

[DISAPPOINTED SIGHS]

Yes, well, I think

I quit while I am ahead.

ALL: Aww! [APPLAUSE]

Congrats!

Merci, madame.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

JENNIFER: Darling!

Look!

They not only took the bait,

hook, line and sinker,

but I won!

[CHUCKLES] That's terrific.

So you were their shill, tonight, huh?

Well, not really.

This is sort of payment for my jewelry.

I hate to tell you, darling, but, uh,

the only thing you could buy with this money is Boardwalk

and Park Place.

♪ ♪

This is counterfeit?

Counterfeit. It's all counterfeit.

Well, why did they give me counterfeit money?

Because I'm afraid the party is over.

They're cashing in?

Yeah, they're settling for your jewels.

And tomorrow, their deposit is gonna be for real.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

We gotta find those plates.

♪ ♪

Jonathan?

Hi.

Hi.

How's the water?

It's pretty cold.

As a matter of fact, everything is pretty cold.

Darling, you know about photography.

Is that a view camera?

Yes, it is.

Could that be used for copying things?

Yes, it could.

Copying?

You mean, like, copying a $50 bill?

Yeah. Instead of putting it onto a piece of film,

they could put it onto a metal plate.

It's possible.

Let's see what we have here.

[CLICKS]

[CLICKING]

Is there something covering the lens?

No, it's clear.

Well, something's blocking it.

♪ ♪

Merry Christmas.

We found them.

Now all we have to do is have Max go into his act.

Come on.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Counte... Uh, Mona. How nice.

Hi, boys. How are ya?

What can we do for you, my dear?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Look, captain, uh...

I don't want you to think I'm not appreciative

of your, uh, generous compensation...

But...

[LAUGHS] But...

well, there really is one little piece

that really did belong to me.

It was my grandmother's. She gave it to me, and, uh,

I'd really like to have it back.

I'm willing to pay for it.

Uh, which piece is that?

The watch. You remember.

Look, what's it worth to you, a couple thousand bucks?

But it's worth a lot more to me.

Bucks?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I have all the dollars I can use these days.

Uh, would you perhaps have something more stable?

Uh, yeah. Well, I got some Swiss Francs.

Oh, that sounds more encouraging.

Here.

Oh, that will cover it.

Well... I'm glad that things

worked out so well for all of us.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, uh, I hope you didn't mind my little, uh...

[CHUCKLES]

...deception.

♪ ♪

DOCTOR: What is in a title?

Yeah, what's in a title?

Hey, uh, maybe we could, uh, get together,

like, in Nassau?

DOCTOR: Why not tonight? For dinner.

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Ha. That'd be nice.

So...

Here you are, my dear. It is a lovely piece.

Yeah. Thanks.

Well, it's sure been nice doing business with ya.

My pleasure.

I'll see you later.

MAN: Place all bets.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Mr. Maximillian. What happened?

I kind of overdid it at shuffleboard.

Bad luck.

But the pain in my ankle and knee ain't nearly as bad

as the pain in my wallet.

Captain...

could you extend me a little credit?

I'm very sorry. Ship's policy, you know.

Yeah, I know.

Well, here's my last chip,

last chance.

Huit, s'il vous plaît.

Number eight. Oui, monsieur.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[BALL CLACKS]

Twenty four. Black and even.

[GROANING]

[CROWD GASPS, MURMURS]

[HYPERVENTILATING]

Good heavens. He's collapsed.

It might have been a heart attack, sir.

Get him to the infirmary right away.

I'll take him, sir.

It's all right, he's in good hands.

Make way, there, please.

Captain...

Captain. Hm?

I think this man has had more than just a heart attack.

What? How do you know?

I served in the merchant marine for 20 years, sir.

I had yellow fever. I saw many of my mates die.

This man has the same symptoms.

Yellow fever. Yes, sir.

I don't think we should be wheeling him down a hallway.

Most certainly not.

I think we should put him in this cabin here, sir.

But that's my cabin.

Yes, sir. But I don't think we should take any chances.

If this got out, the whole ship would be quarantined.

He also, uh, shouldn't be left alone, sir.

I'm immune.

Stay with him. I'll fetch the doctor.

♪ ♪

I hope Mrs. H. got the numbers right.

Put the plates in the bottom, Max.

Put the phony $50s on top.

Hey, you know something?

Real cash is real cushy.

Okay, it's back to the death scene.

I ought to get an Oscar for this.

This way, doctor.

Bet 100 on a nine!

You said he had yellow fever, captain.

Steward!

You watch too much medical rubbish on television!

Now, take Mr. Maximillian to the infirmary!

Check him out, doctor.

I'll examine him there.

No, doc!

I don't wanna go to the infirmary!

I just wanna sit here in the chair!

Leave me alone!

Take him to his cabin!

Anywhere!

Maybe I should get an Emmy as well.

♪ ♪

Roche.

CAPTAIN: Mr. Roche, how are you?

Good morning, captain.

Doctor.

Nice to see you, Mr. Roche. Thank you.

Well, this is a pleasant surprise.

I certainly didn't expect the president of the bank

to collect the deposit.

Well, every once in a while

it's nice to come up from behind a desk, huh?

Profitable voyage?

Fair, fair. Good.

Coffee, sir?

No, thank you.

I shall count, and you check me tally.

More coffee for you, captain?

No, thank you.

Doctor?

Yes.

ROCHE: What...?

Something wrong?

Why, this is a forgery.

Forgery?

That's impossible.

ROCHE: I'm afraid the whole bloody lot

is counterfeit, gentlemen.

I'm utterly shocked.

JONATHAN: I think you'll have another

little surprise here, captain, at the bottom of the bag.

How dare you, steward.

♪ ♪

ROCHE: These...

are yours, captain?

I don't understand.

How could this be?

ROCHE: Well, perhaps you would like to discuss it

with the owner of the bank...

Mr. Jonathan Hart.

We've met, captain.

[DOOR OPENS]

I believe you also know my wife.

Mona?

Jennifer.

Jennifer.

Sit down, doctor.

I think your romance has dropped anchor.

Captain...

the printout on your cardiogram

is not too promising.

To say nothing of the color of your medicine.

ROCHE: Constable.

Good work, steward...

countess.

♪ ♪

[GRUNTING]

Jonathan, watch out!

[CAPTAIN GRUNTS]

[SPLASH]

CAPTAIN: You haven't heard the last of this, you steward!

Well...

I'd say the captain is all washed up.

CAPTAIN: I'll get you for this, Hart!

I'd say so.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

♪ ♪

I sure am going to miss you, countess.

Oh... If you don't mind my saying so.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, no.

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] I don't mind at all.

That's very nice.

Uh, here is little token

of my appreciation.

Gee, thanks, countess.

And, uh...

do svidanya.

[LAUGHS]

Do svidanya.

[CHUCKLES]

What was that all about?

Oh, that was Danny.

Danny? Mm-hm.

What is he, a stowaway?

Oh, darling.

When you were giving Miss Goodrich her warm milk,

Danny was bringing me my hot buttered rum.

He's the night shift.

I thought I was the night shift.

Oh. Well, you are the night shift.

And the day shift.

And the swing shift.

Mm.

♪ ♪

[BARKS]

Well...

She must be some tipper.

[LAUGHS]

♪ ♪