Original subtitles

♪ ♪

NARRATOR: This is my boss, Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them, which ain't easy,

'cause when they met,

it was murder.

♪ ♪

[WHIMPERS]

JONATHAN: Darling, you want

a croissant or a brioche?

Oh. That's no fair!

Vince Nucona's regimen is hard enough

without you tempting me with dreaded carbos.

It is hard, but it's fair.

You remember Vince's slogan?

"No pain...

BOTH: "No gain."

Oh, dear.

[EXHALES]

Oh, you really know how to kick up your heels.

Uh. Thanks. You don't know what you're missing.

Mm. I do know what I'm missing.

And I intend to keep on missing it.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm all for keeping the old bod in shape.

But I had another exercise in mind.

One we could do daily...

and do together.

Uh-huh. Know what I mean?

Uh-huh.

Well, I don't wanna be a spoilsport...

but Max and Vince

are returning from London...

at the airport in 40 minutes.

And, if you remember,

you promised to pick them up.

Okay. I'll take a cold shower...

and slip into something uncomfortable.

Do that. See you.

[EXHALES]

[BARKS]

♪ ♪

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Would passenger Harrison please report

to the information counter?

Save your film.

I'm not Charles Atlas.

[ALL LAUGH]

But I am the guy who has

the pleasure to introduce

the man who's won more bodybuilding titles

than anyone in the history of the sport:

Vince Nucona.

♪ ♪

Thank you, Uncle Max.

Look at Max. He's beaming with pride.

Well, you know, he thinks of him as his adopted kid.

Some kid.

And thank you, members of the press,

for your special interest

in the Vince Nucona bodybuilding team.

How was your team's English tour?

It was the most gratifying event

of my entire career.

Every exhibition was packed.

As a matter of fact,

let me show you one of the reasons.

The spectacular Miss Samantha Sisko.

♪ ♪

[APPLAUSE, CAMERAS CLICKING]

He sure knows how to put on a show.

Yeah, Vince is no dumbbell, if you know what I mean.

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Passengers for flight 330

please report immediately at gate 5?

She's amazingly...

taut.

Self-taut.

When's the grand opening of your gym?

Sunday. But I want to stress that it's more than just a gym.

The Nucona Body Center

is the ultimate health center of tomorrow.

What will some of your exclusive features be?

The gym will be open 24 hours a day.

The doors will never close.

And you're all invited

to a special black-tie charity affair

this Sunday to see the facility for yourselves.

It'll be the most exciting exhibition

of bodybuilding ever held.

And thank you all very much for coming.

Good luck. [MURMURING]

♪ ♪

Take a look at the man

with the patch over his eye.

You think he's the Hathaway Shirt Man?

Look a little closer.

Normally, reporters carry a pad and a pencil.

He's carrying a Smith & Wesson.

Thank you.

Thanks very much for coming.

Thank you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, Jonathan. Jennifer. Hi.

Vince, you look real good.

Congratulations, Uncle Max.

Samantha, I'd like you to meet

two of the kindest people in the world:

Jonathan and Jennifer Hart.

How do you do? How are you?

It's nice to meet you.

How about the luggage and the equipment?

Two of the guys from the gym will pick it up later.

Including the barbell.

Well...

how do I look?

Oh, you look...

very healthy.

I'll tell you the truth, Mr. and Mrs. H,

I've been on Vince's program for, what, two weeks?

Oh, it's a whole new you, Max.

Although, the old one wasn't too bad.

Confidentially, even the ladies look at me differently.

If you know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

♪ ♪

Oh.

Definition.

Definitely definition.

Pretty good for two weeks, huh?

What do you say, Vince?

It's very good.

Sure. Let's get the car, Vince.

[CHUCKLES]

Wait till you get a load of this, Mr. and Mrs. H.

A completely organic drink,

combining the natural nectars of many fruits.

Oh.

You mean, there's, um, nothing else in it?

Nonalcoholic, but nevertheless delicious.

To your health. JENNIFER: Oh, no, let's

drink to the Vince Nucona Body Centers.

Oh, that's a good idea. I'll drink to that. Here, here.

Tasty, huh?

Delicious.

You know, I was Vince's dad's best friend.

And I promised him before he died

I'd take care of him.

He was the scrawniest little kid you ever saw.

He looked like the "before" picture

on one of them Charles Atlas ads.

You mean, you were a 97-pound weakling?

Precisely.

I find that hard to believe.

Max did two important things for me:

He bought me my first set of weights,

and he taught me to take pride in my work.

Ahh. You mind if I take the keys to the gym?

I wanna take a sauna if it's okay by you.

Sure.

[KEYS JANGLE]

Well, so long, everybody.

Well... you really straightened him out.

You know, just when I think I know everything about him,

he comes up with something new.

Yeah.

Well...

here's to Uncle Max. Oh, yes.

To Uncle Max.

Come on, darling. It's good for you.

♪ ♪

[CHUCKLES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CLICKS]

There. There it is.

The red barbell.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, what's going on here?

Cool it, Snider.

Who the hell are you?

Right now that's not important.

Turn around!

Turn around. Go on.

That was my very first sushi experience.

Really? I'll bet you're hooked for life.

Well, I must say, I'm much more at peace with myself

after I've peered into a quail egg

perched on top of a salmon roe. [LAUGHS]

I'm proud to say that I break training with the best.

SAMANTHA: Hey, I just realized

we're only a couple blocks from the gym.

How about if I give you a grand tour tonight?

Why not?

Sure. Why not?

♪ ♪

[CAR STARTS]

[LOCK CLICKS]

Oh! This is fantastic! Isn't it?

What a layout.

Oh-hoo.

Let me show you this.

Yeah, I'm glad you like it, Jonathan.

I got an exercise for you.

Let me show you this one down here.

[EXHALES]

Why does this remind me of a medieval torture chamber?

Oh, this is the latest ripple in equipment.

One secret deserves another.

I'm having a full set installed for Jennifer

at the house as a surprise.

And that's how this one works. Hm.

Oh. And here's the men's sauna. Oh.

Go ahead and open it. It's empty.

Okay.

[STEAM HISSING]

Max.

Jonathan!

Jonathan!

Max. Max!

♪ ♪

If I could stand up, I'd weigh myself.

I must have lost five gallons.

Here, drink some of this.

Thanks.

Ah.

Never thought straight water would taste so good.

Hey, look, Max...

try to think back.

And tell us everything you can remember from the beginning.

Well, I heard a noise in the main room.

I figured it was the guys bringing the luggage

from the airport. I was wrong.

Boy, was I ever wrong.

These men, what did they want?

They were schlepping a big red barbell.

Pumping iron?

No. They were trying to drag it out of the back door.

Why would somebody want to steal a barbell?

How do you feel, Uncle Max?

Like a ballgame on a rainy day:

washed out.

Oh. Sure.

MAN: Hey, Vince?

Where do you want this?

That just come from the airport?

Right.

Put it upstairs.

We can rule out robbery.

I just checked my safe, and there's nothing missing.

JONATHAN: According to Max, there is.

He said they stole a red barbell.

Well, the 300-pounder just arrived,

and the 200-pounder...

It's gone.

Rule robbery back in.

Yeah, but why would two guys wanna break in here,

rough up Max and steal a 200-pound barbell?

♪ ♪

What's engraved on that barbell disk?

Says "100 pounds."

And that's exactly what it says on the other side.

This is a 200-pound barbell.

I made it very clear I wanted a 300-pound one.

You said get the red barbell.

That was the only red barbell in the place.

Everything happened at once.

All of a sudden this old guy... Shut up!

I examine your face, Reese.

I look at the dull eyes, the thick nose,

the slackened mouth.

And I know that somewhere

underneath the face of an idiot...

is the soul of an idiot.

You compounded matters

by stupidly leaving a witness alive.

Let's not lose our heads.

Let's practice a little patience.

I say we go back,

say, in a couple of weeks,

and snatch it.

You have forgotten something very important.

What is it, Mr. Teppman?

Nucona's Body Center will be open 24 hours a day.

It will always be filled

with customers and staff.

The day to move is tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Right after the black-tie affair.

It'll make it so...

much more...

festive.

♪ ♪

[PLAYING MID-TEMPO THEME]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Uh, darling, where was I?

What?

Where was I?

Oh, uh, you were about to tell me

what the police said about the stolen barbells.

Their sarcasm was about as light as a pound of flesh.

You mean, they didn't appreciate the connection

between the theft and Max almost being killed?

They were unappreciative to the point of genius.

Correct me if I'm wrong...

but you don't think this thing is over yet, do you?

I wish I could say yes,

but, uh... like the show,

I think things are just beginning to get warmed up.

Get it?

Got it.

Good.

[GROUP PLAYING VILLAGE PEOPLE'S "MACHO MAN"]

[APPLAUSE]

[GIGGLING] Oh.

My goodness.

This never happens in Pasadena.

All we have is a parade.

[MOUTHS] Thank you.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

Samantha will never need a can of mace.

[LAUGHS]

Just a bodyguard.

Looks like Vince has a fan.

Well, lookie here.

If it's not the international

phenomenon of bodybuilding.

Here's a 300-pound weight.

Take one more step, big fella,

and it'll look like you bought your bellybutton

at a 2-for-1 sale.

First, pick up the barbell.

Very good, big Vince.

A lot of folks would assume

you muscle guys are a little shortchanged upstairs.

We know that ain't true, don't we?

I figure you for a smart guy...

if you do what you're told.

Now... there's a truck under that window.

I want you to throw the barbell through the window.

And make sure your timing is perfect,

because I want a bull's-eye in the bed of the truck.

[GRUNTING]

Through the window.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[APPLAUSE, MUSIC CONTINUES]

Come on.

Get on the floor.

Now start doing pushups.

That's it.

Now you keep doing them if you wanna stay alive.

[CROWD SCREAMING]

♪ ♪

Check on Vince.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Okay.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Go! Go! Go!

[CAR ZOOMING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GASPS]

It's the man from the airport.

Teppman.

Noel Teppman.

What did he say?

It was a name.

Noel Teppman.

♪ ♪

You know, I just don't get it.

First, Max is beaten up.

Then, a one-eyed man is killed.

And just to steal a barbell.

[GRUNTS]

Yeah. And a barbell so heavy

that not very many people can lift it.

Vince, you carried that barbell

through customs, didn't you?

Yeah.

Do most bodybuilders take their equipment

on tour with them?

As far as I know,

I'm the only person that does that.

I guess you might call it

my personal good-luck charm.

Good-luck charm?

How about a rabbit's foot?

It's a lot lighter to carry.

You know, the first barbell I ever had

was the one Uncle Max bought me.

That was when you were a kid, right?

Yeah.

He and my Dad got loaded one night,

and they painted the barbell red.

And ever since then I've been using red barbells.

So then it would mean something to you,

but it wouldn't mean anything to anybody else.

Exactly.

MAN: Hey, Vince! Get a load of this.

What is it?

This barbell. It's bent.

Well, that's not exactly a first

in the annals of weightlifting.

Yeah, but it's bent over here by the collar.

This barbell glitters.

You mean, there's gold in them there barbells?

And all the time I thought I was pumping iron.

All the time you thought you were pumping iron...

you were pumping gold.

Solid gold.

[THEME FROM GOLDFINGER PLAYS]

♪ ♪

Here's the research you wanted, Mr. H.

That gold robbery that happened

during Vince's English tour

got a little ink.

Oh, that's good to hear, Max. Thanks.

"Daring gold robbery nets two and a half million."

Well, either the gold market's gone up since then...

or it is typical British understatement.

Listen to this:

"Police baffled.

"Authorities intensify border security.

"Scotland Yard inspector sanguine.

'Gold will never leave England.'"

He's probably collecting his unemployment by now.

Look at this.

There it is.

The one-eyed man.

"Scotland Yard Inspector Hillary is Optimistic."

That's the guy who was killed outside Vince's.

Yeah. Yeah.

What a clever way to smuggle gold out of the country.

Only something went wrong.

Correction. Everything went wrong.

Starting with you.

You almost got killed, Max,

for a 100-pound misunderstanding.

♪ ♪

MAN: The old guy was in the gym that night.

Nucona gave him the barbell.

My barbell, that is.

Says here he works for Jonathan Hart.

Then you stake out the Harts' house.

When the opportunity presents itself,

get it.

Right.

One question.

Do you gentlemen have any quarrel

with the money I pay you?

No. Not at all.

You're more than generous.

More than generous?

Like I say...

you're more than generous.

But...

if for some reason...

you make another mistake,

you'll still be amply rewarded.

But this time in a much different way.

Your lives won't be worth a thing.

♪ ♪

By the way...

if that Max fellow gets in the way...

kill him.

And that goes for the Harts too.

Freeway...

don't even entertain the idea, boy.

[WHINES]

Don't do it. Go on. [BARKS]

Freeway, don't be so cynical.

Three hundred pounds of gold is worth

about $3 million.

You know, if we scrape the red paint off the disks,

slipped them off the axle,

they'd make a pretty nice pair of doorstops,

you know that?

A little ostentatious.

We're ready for the ceremony.

The glass case is finished.

Hey, it looks terrific, Vince.

The inscription and everything.

"Uncle Max, who made it all happen." From Vince.

Perfect touch.

Well, that's very sweet, Vince,

but don't you think you're overdoing it a little bit?

I mean, the thieves are just gonna break in

and bust this whole thing up.

This is perfect.

It gives the... The dignified place

that the barbell so richly deserves.

Well, if you say so.

Also, those guys have very destructive personalities.

It'll give them a feeling of, uh, great accomplishment.

Mm-hm.

♪ ♪

Beautiful, Vince.

Beautiful.

Okay, thanks, Danny.

How about that?

Now what?

Now what?

Now...

Vince...

Vince becomes me.

I don't know about this.

For one thing, I haven't worn a suit and tie

since I was in college.

Another thing, Jonathan. You and I have, well...

different dimensions.

Now, don't worry. It's custom-tailored.

They'll fit your dimensions perfectly.

And if the suit fits...

Charge it.

♪ ♪

There they go.

The old codger,

Mrs. Hart...

Jonathan Hart.

He reads The Wall Street Journal,

just like you'd expect.

All right, let's go.

I wish I had a chance to do a little spring housecleaning.

I always like the house to look its best

when the burglars are about to drop in.

Just between you and me,

does Jonathan always read the financial section?

Only if I get the crossword puzzles first.

[GRUNTS]

Don't be gauche!

It's a masterpiece.

Good boy.

Use this.

Ah, that's good. That's good.

[GRUNTING]

Come on, will you?!

Let's get it in the truck!

[WHISTLES]

The '52 Brooklyn Dodgers...

autographed.

He couldn't have taken the Giacometti.

♪ ♪

[ENGINE STARTS]

Well, if all went according to plan,

Jonathan's in the truck.

Let's just hope he's okay from here on in.

Let's just pray.

♪ ♪

VINCE: Where do you think they're taking the barbell?

Noel Teppman.

Who's that?

Oh, it's a long story.

Well, I just love stories.

Okay.

To start with...

the man killed outside your gym

was a Scotland Yard inspector.

Before he died, he whispered the name Noel Teppman.

Jonathan checked it out,

and it goes way back to World War II.

Noel Teppman was sort of a...

master criminal.

Kind of a genius and a little crazy.

All he's interested in,

and all he ever steals,

is gold.

The artifacts in his possession are priceless.

And he's never gotten caught?

Not yet.

♪ ♪

What a wonderful surprise.

I've always wanted to meet Jonathan Hart.

Actually, I'm from the Gideon Society. Uh...

I left one of my Bibles in the c... [COCKS]

I'm not amused, Mr. Hart.

Keep on going.

To your right.

Finally got the right one.

Bring it inside.

Let's go.

Find a place to hide the car

and then call the police.

[GRUNTS]

Keep an eye out for unwanted intruders.

Go.

I promise you, Mr. Hart...

you're gonna be surprised

and delighted. [DOOR CLOSES]

Surprised, perhaps,

delighted, I doubt. Trust me.

About as far as I could throw that barbell.

This way.

After you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

So far, I'm not enlightened.

Patience, Mr. Hart. Patience.

[THEME FROM GOLDFINGER PLAYS]

This is unbelievable.

Welcome to my own private museum, Mr. Hart.

This is a Mixtec gold chest piece

from the excavation at Mont Albán in 1932.

Later, if there is time,

you and I shall share some cognac,

and I'll tell you how I got it.

Well, that should be cozy.

You must have some great stories.

Move down there.

That is my gold elephant.

Crafted centuries ago on the Ivory Coast.

Exquisite.

In 1543, that bracelet

was given to Francis I of France.

The king gasped in amazement.

He couldn't take his eyes away from it.

[CHUCKLES]

I see it has precisely the same effect on you, Mr. Hart.

That's the beauty of gold.

Down there,

the gold lion from Calcutta.

Pieces from the Ming Dynasty.

And, oh, one of my favorites coming up.

A slender, solid-gold Venus de Milo.

Isn't she lovely?

Forgive my, uh, silence, but, uh...

Oh. I know.

Words fail you.

I'll go to the other side of the truck and distract them.

Then you can do your number.

What is all of this worth?

I'm not a seller of gold.

What do I care about a gold market?

I am a collector...

an artist.

Well, if your interest in gold

is, uh, purely aesthetics

and artistic...

as you claim,

then why did you pull off that gold robbery in London?

Oh. You know about that?

Gold bricks. That's not very artistic.

An artist needs supplies, Mr. Hart.

I sculpt in gold.

Let me show you something

that tops everything you've seen so far.

These are my creations.

You did these?

Yes, Mr. Hart.

Napoleon...

Alexander...

Nero.

I call this series "Men of Power."

It's worth millions. Oh.

It's interesting how quickly

artists speak of money.

What is that going to be?

That's a work in progress.

My...

pièce de résistance, if you will.

Part of your, uh, series of "Men in Power"?

Now that I have the gold from the barbell...

I can complete my statue.

Take a look at this. Look at this.

Where did you get that? From the Harts' house.

Hey, this is valuable. Yeah.

Autographed by the '52 Brooklyn Dodgers.

Jackie Robinson, Carl Furillo,

Ralph Branca. Remember Ralph Branca?

Ah, in 1952, I was still playing with blocks.

♪ ♪

[WHISTLES]

Good work, Vince.

I'm almost ashamed of how much pleasure that gave me.

Let's go in the house, around back.

Isn't this sheer delight?

Yes. I must say that, uh...

I can't argue with you.

And yet I detect a sort of disapproval on your part.

Perhaps you think I'm demented. Insane.

Those are your words, not mine.

There is, uh, one thought

that does occur to me.

Yes?

Well, this, uh...

private museum...

is, uh, enjoyed, is worshipped

by one man... and only one man.

You share it with no one.

On the contrary, Mr. Hart.

If that was true, I would be out of my mind.

Of course I share it.

I don't think I quite understand.

Sometimes I'm overcome by the desire

of showing my museum.

To see its effect on people is wonderful.

Wonderful.

Occasionally, I show it off.

Then after my guests have seen the museum...

I kill them.

♪ ♪

Mr. Teppman...

how long do you expect this fantasy to last?

Nothing lasts forever, Mr. Hart.

Least of all you.

You mean, uh...

you're canceling the cognac?

I mean, I'm canceling you.

[RATTLING]

[FIRING]

I got him, Jonathan.

Thanks, Vince. Let's go.

Darling...

Did I ever compliment you on your perfect timing?

Yes. But never in public.

♪ ♪

Here's to the gold barbell on its way back to England.

To become plain old gold bricks again.

And all those gold treasures are being returned

to their native countries.

The best part of it all is that Noel Teppman's

gonna spend the rest of his life in prison.

I'll drink to that. Hey, I've got a great idea

for you, Vince. What's that?

Well, while he's in prison, you could set up

a weightlifting program for him. Oh, yeah, that's great.

He could use some firming up.

He'll sure have the time.

[CHUCKLES] [DOOR CLOSES]

[CHUCKLES]

JONATHAN: Oh.

Ah, Max. Don't tell me. I know what it is.

Muhammad Ali has come out of retirement,

and you're his first opponent?

Max, the Great White Hopeless. [CHUCKLES]

Do you guys know how many calories there are

in that champagne?

But, Max. This is a special occasion.

Let me give you a professional tip, Max.

It's best to go easy at first.

Two miles is good.

Two miles! Who said anything about two miles?

I'm up to two blocks.

[ALL LAUGHING]

What's to laugh at?

They're long blocks.

[BARKS]

Well, I can't be lollygagging around.

I gotta pump some water.

The dishwasher's on the fritz.

[ALL LAUGHING]

♪ ♪