Original subtitles

♪ ♪

MAX: This is my boss, Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy,

'cause when they met,

it was murder.

♪ ♪

[WHIMPERS]

♪ ♪

Well, isn't this beautiful?

Yeah.

Sailing to Hawaii.

Now, that's the only way to fly.

"Penny koalas" for everybody.

Hey, thanks, Max, but we gotta go.

I don't wanna be late for the tournament.

That's right, Mr. H. I'll be rooting for you.

Thanks.

I'll race you to the beach.

Oh, yeah? Uh-huh.

Uh, last one there is...

Look! There's the Staten Island Ferry!

The Staten Island what?

♪ ♪

You better swim fast...

because you're in hot water now.

What am I gonna do with these "penny koalas"?

Don't worry, Max, you'll work something out.

♪ ♪

[CLICKING]

Isn't this exciting, Max?

Yeah, Mrs. H.

Croquet has all the thrills

of dicing a pineapple.

Nice stroke, Jonathan.

Thanks, Richard. It wasn't bad, was it?

Looked like a stroke of luck to me.

How much longer is this gonna last?

I gotta go and take my hula lesson.

Oh, not much longer, Max.

If Jonathan goes through the next two wickets

and hits the peg, then the match is over.

[APPLAUSE]

Richard.

[CLICKING]

♪ ♪

CAM: That nudge entitles me to another shot.

You will be kind to me, Cam.

It is an island, Jonathan.

There's a limit to how far I can send you.

Richard Hashimoto.

Heh. I thought I'd find you here.

CROWD: Ooh!

Mr. H could sure use a good nine iron.

Thanks. I'll need a weed trimmer to find it.

CROWD: Aw!

Let me tell you something.

This game isn't over by a long shot.

Jonathan... a long shot

is what you'll need.

♪ ♪

Oh. Poor baby. [TUTS]

Well, he'll laugh about it later.

Yeah, like the time

you backed the Bentley into the lake.

[CLICKING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

I couldn't have done better if I opened my eyes.

♪ ♪

Richard.

The key.

Wh-wh... What is it?

[GROANS]

The key.

[STRAINING] The key.

If we can be of any further help,

you can reach us at the Royal Hawaiian.

CAM: Poor Richard.

He was club champion in '73 and '76.

He was club secretary.

This was his desk.

Many a night he sat here tabulating the scores.

We're terribly sorry.

We know how close you were.

Darling, we'd better get back to the hotel.

Yeah.

You will be here for the funeral?

Yes, of course. We'll stay.

Bye-bye.

Take care.

♪ ♪

Oh, darling, um... I'll go get my films developed.

I'll meet you upstairs.

Hello, Mike.

Aloha, Mrs. Hart.

[SPEAKS HAWAIIAN]

Uh, that means, uh...

"a beautiful flower is a joy forever."

Oh. well, how sweet.

You certainly know how to treat the tourists in Hawaii.

MIKE: I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

And here are some more films.

When can I have them back?

Five this afternoon.

And, um, I'm sure they'll be beautiful.

Well... aloha.

Aloha.

♪ ♪

[HULA MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

Not bad.

It's all in the hips, you know.

[CHUCKLES]

My partner, Francine, comes from Chicago.

She's wearing a muumuu

that would stop traffic on State Street.

Aloha.

Excuse me, Mrs. Hart, Mr. Hart.

I'm Detective Ridings, Honolulu Homicide.

I'd like to ask you some questions.

Please sit down.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I read your statement

about the Hashimoto murder.

I was particularly interested in his last words.

"The key," Mr. Hart.

Oh, yeah, "the key."

He, um...

Well, he just kept repeating

"the key, the key, the key."

We combed the area with a metal detector.

No key. Nothing.

Why would anyone want to kill a nice man

like Richard Hashimoto?

Well, we were hoping you could help us with that.

You see, Mr. Hashimoto...

wasn't just an importer.

He wasn't?

No, ma'am.

He did a lot of exporting too.

Information.

Richard Hashimoto was a spy?

Looks that way.

I got a lot of interest from the CIA.

And MI6. You know...

Her Majesty's secret service?

Well, if you think of anything, Mr. Hart...

give me a call.

♪ ♪

I just can't believe it.

Yeah, how about that?

If you can't trust your croquet umpire,

who can you trust?

Excuse me, Mrs. Hart. Hm?

It's probably not a good idea for you

to have those pictures.

What?

Who are you?

You'll save yourself an awful lot of trouble

if you'll give them to me.

I will not!

Stop it. N... Mr. Hirsch!

I told you at the office.

There'll be no hanky-panky.

You're my secretary, and that's all.

You don't understand, Mrs. Hart.

You're gonna be in very...

Mr. Hirsch, I told you, if you don't behave,

it's back to the steno pool.

♪ ♪

[CHUCKLES]

Um... he really is a very...

good worker.

MAX: Does your club run go this long?

JONATHAN: As a matter of fact, it does.

[DOOR OPENS]

Jonathan. Oh, darling.

The strangest thing

happened to me in the lobby.

Somebody tried to take my pictures.

Well, I can understand that.

You're a very lovely lady.

Oh, no, no, no. I mean, these pictures.

Please, Mrs. H, we're playing...

Gin.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Let's take a look.

Oh, look. Here's one of you and Richard.

Oh, yeah, you took that one

before...

Cam croqueted me into the bushes.

He certainly looks scared, doesn't he?

Yeah, he obviously had something to be scared about.

Look at this.

Who is that in there? You see?

JENNIFER: I don't know. Can't tell.

Maybe I can get it enlarged.

That's a good idea.

Your croquet whites came.

The cleaner said he found this in the pocket.

That's not my key.

BOTH: It's Richard's!

He must have slipped it into my pocket.

Then the key is the key.

The key to what?

To something worth killing for.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Operator, this is Jonathan Hart.

I'm in 1239. Could you please get for me

the Honolulu Police Department, Homicide Division.

Thank you very much.

Hi.

Hello. Oh, hi.

Mr. and Mrs. H... meet Dorothy.

DOROTHY: Hello.

Hi. Max is taking me

to see Diamond Head this morning.

Oh, say, I just read in the paper

that it's snowing in Chicago.

You must be awfully happy to be in Hawaii.

Well, I'm sorry about the snow, but...

I'm from Kansas City.

Okay. Come on, Dorothy. We...

We don't wanna miss the bus.

So long, Max.

[PHONE RINGS]

Detective Ridings, please.

Yes.

Detective Ridings, please.

This is Detective Ridings.

Well, perhaps I have the wrong Detective Ridings.

I want a Detective Leslie Ridings.

Yes, this is Leslie Ridings.

Well, yes, but you're a woman.

[SCOFFS]

What was it that first gave me away?

Well... I'm sorry.

There must be some mistake.

Thank you very much. Bye.

Bye.

♪ ♪

Okay, turkeys, let's take a walk.

So...

we have a first-class impostor on our hands.

The first thing we've got to do

is to find out where that fits.

I think we'd better start with Richard Hashimoto's house.

Darling, don't you think we should get ourselves

a real live detective?

Would we know one if we found one?

Come on.

♪ ♪

Hello.

I'm Detective Ridings, five-0.

This is Dr. Reston... Forensic.

Oh, yeah?

Uh, just checking for details

in the murdered man's house.

I thought you people did that before.

Oh, we did. But we just like to be thorough.

Don't wanna leave any key unturned. Ha-ha-ha.

The door's open on the side.

Thank you. Doctor...

♪ ♪

Nope.

No lock.

HIGH VOICE: Croquet!

Beg your pardon?

I didn't say anything.

Hello!

Hello. She did.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh... [SQUAWKING]

Doesn't look like anybody fed her today.

Well, here are some imports.

Caviar from Russia.

Smoked eel from Poland.

Look at this: most of these invoices

are from Eastern Europe.

Do you read Latvian?

No, not lately.

Did we miss any keyholes?

Not in here.

Let's try out there.

Oh, darling.

We can't leave this poor bird all alone.

JONATHAN: We can't? No.

We'd never be able to look Freeway in the eye again.

Croquet!

Croquet!

♪ ♪

Aloha!

Hey.

Isn't that Mr. Hashimoto's bird you got there?

Yeah, we're taking him in for questioning.

Huh?

Uh, he's a talking bird.

Doctor...

PARROT: Aloha!

WOMAN: Mrs. Hart.

Message for you, Mrs. Hart.

Oh. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh. The blowups will be ready in half an hour.

I'll be one of those pictures

will be worth a thousand words.

[PARROT SQUAWKS] Bye, now!

Croquet!

Hi, Max. Hi, Max.

Hey. What's with the bird?

This is Croquet.

She's gonna be staying with us for a while.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how was sightseeing?

Diamond Head was beautiful.

Waimea Bay was gorgeous.

And Helene, what a lady.

Helene? What happened to Dorothy?

Oh, she went back to Kansas City.

Helene and I...

are going to a luau.

Is that the move, Max?

That's the others.

I think we'd better get changed for dinner, darling. Mm.

See you later, Max.

Aloha.

You're Croquet, huh?

I'm Max.

Play croquet.

No, thanks. I only play the ponies.

♪ ♪

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Mrs. Hart.

Oh, Mike. Hello.

You're alone?

Uh, no. My husband, uh...

I have your pictures.

I did them myself.

I... I hope you like them.

Oh, wonderful.

Thank you, Mike.

Well, wasn't that nice of you to bring them along.

Oh, won't you sit down?

Well...

I hope you don't mind my saying this.

What?

You certainly do look lovely tonight.

O-oh. Well, thank you.

Oh, look. Look. There's Jonathan.

Uh, darling.

Darling, this is Mike, from the camera store.

This is my husband, Jonathan.

Oh. How are you, Mike?

How do you do?

Would you, uh, like to sit down and join us for a drink?

Oh, thanks, uh... no.

I-I got a couple things I gotta do.

Well...

Goodbye, Jennifer.

Bye-bye. And thanks again, Mike.

We'll always have Honolulu.

Oh.

Tsk.

You did it again, didn't you?

You broke another heart.

I didn't mean to.

Got your pictures back.

Oh. I almost forgot.

Oh, boy.

You're not gonna believe this.

Detective Ridings.

Why aren't I surprised?

Hello.

May I join you?

Nice to see you.

We missed you today at the precinct.

Oh. That's too bad.

But we did have

a very interesting conversation...

with Detective Ridings?

Really?

Really.

Do I notice a distinctive change in your accent?

Oh, you're not trying to tell us

that you're from Scotland Yard suddenly?

You were at the croquet match.

Yes, as a matter of fact I was.

Looking for Richard Hashimoto?

Yes. That's true too.

And it's true that you were in the bushes

when he was murdered.

About a dagger's length away.

You see...

I killed him.

♪ ♪

RIDINGS: Wonderful detail, Mrs. Hart.

Very crisp for a 300-mm lens.

Yes.

You certainly caught the essence of the moment.

Thank you.

Would you care for a cocktail before dinner?

Yes. I'd like to have a mai tai and a scorpion,

and, uh, would you like something?

Would you have an imported ale?

WAITER: Yes. Conley stout.

RIDINGS: Excellent.

Thank you.

A taste of home.

You were just about to explain.

Oh, of course, Mr. Hashimoto.

He was from Fiji, a former British colony.

He worked for the foreign office,

stationed behind the iron curtain.

He knew the names of all our agents.

Unfortunately... he began selling them to the other side.

And you were sent to kill him?

We prefer "terminate."

Just exactly who do you terminate for?

MI6, Her Majesty's secret service.

A real live 007?

Oh, hardly. If I were,

you would never have caught me on camera.

And for some fascinating reason...

you want us to believe all of this?

You shouldn't. But consider this.

If I was not who I say I am,

why would I come here unarmed and confess to murder?

Because... we have something that you want.

Yes.

The key.

The key?

How did you know we had the key?

I didn't until you just told me. Hm.

JENNIFER: Jonathan.

You can't give that to him.

We don't even know who he is, except he's a murderer.

JONATHAN: Darling,

aren't we being a bit negative?

Ever since we've had this key,

it's caused nothing but trouble.

Oh? Trouble?

The competition.

Not by any chance

a rather chubby fellow with simian features?

How did you know?

Doubrowsky...

one of the KGB's deadliest assassins.

More lives will be lost

unless you give me that key.

Quite possibly your own.

♪ ♪

Oh, Jonathan.

Trust me.

The key is in the proper hands.

I'll be in touch.

I'm sure.

JENNIFER: Honey, how could you be so easily taken in?

I found his story to be very, very credible.

Credible?

I've heard of more believable stories

from Hans Christian Andersen.

And you gave him our only clue.

The key? Yes.

I gave him a key.

The key to our cabana.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

You're so clever.

Thanks. Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

I-I think I'd like to, uh...

I'd like to keep it for a little while,

just to make me feel good.

How do I know I can trust you?

You don't.

You could be an impostor.

Well, unfortunately,

I don't have my ID on me.

Maybe I should take some prints, hm?

[CHUCKLES]

Why not?

Oh, yeah.

That's very familiar.

Ahh.

Maybe I should look into this more carefully.

I hope you're gonna conduct a thorough investigation.

Mm-hm.

[KEY CLINKS]

You never could hang on to anything.

Except you.

♪ ♪

JENNIFER: Don't you think you ought to drive a little faster?

We don't want to be late to Richard's funeral.

♪ ♪

[GONGS]

[GONG RINGS]

Good morning.

I'm Mr. Milton, the funeral director.

We're Mr. and Mrs. Hart.

Are you related to the deceased?

No, we're just friends.

Oh.

Not one of Mr. Hashimoto's relatives has arrived.

A service is always more poignant

when blood relations attend.

Jonathan...

there's the man

who tried to grab my pictures in the lobby.

Mr. and Mrs. Hart,

Edward Perkis, Central Intelligence Agency.

Why not? We've heard from everyone else.

Since when does the CIA go around

accosting women?

I don't know whether to report you

to your superior or to your mother.

Well, sorry about the heavy hand...

but I wasn't sure

what you two were up to.

Would you like to tell me now? The truth?

Richard slipped me a key before he died.

We've been trying to figure out where it fits.

A key?

You better let me have it.

MILTON: Oh, Mr. Hart.

Could I prevail upon you to be a pallbearer?

Well, if it's, um, possible,

I'd rather not.

Oh, dear.

How can we lay poor Mr. Hashimoto

to his eternal rest

if nobody carries the body to the grave?

The key, Mr. Hart.

Before we get into that...

why is the CIA involved?

I'd like to tell you, Mr. Hart.

But it's a matter of national security.

Here. Take it. Darling...

It's been nothing but trouble.

Trust me, Mr. Hart.

The key is in the proper hands.

I'll be in touch.

Is there an echo in this place?

Why did you give him the key?

I didn't.

I gave him the other key to our cabana.

Oh, that's great. Then we still have the real key.

And, yes, we have no cabana.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

You're not leaving, are you?

No.

Very good.

The really lovely part of the service is about to begin.

You really do like your work,

Mr. Milton, don't you?

Oh, yes. Death is my life.

Dear...

[GONG RINGS]

Well, where to now?

How about Hashimoto's warehouse?

That's the only lead we have left.

♪ ♪

Does it fit?

We don't need it.

Hello.

♪ ♪

Hula skirts.

Hm. Nothing's genuine anymore.

"The simple hula instructions:

"Smile when you dance. Be happy.

"Follow the motion with your eyes,

as this gives expression to your personality."

This would be very good for you.

What's wrong with my personality?

Look at these birdcages.

What's wrong with my personality?

Now, maybe they have one here

that'd be big enough for Croquet.

Jonathan?

How do we get out of here?

Try this. Come on.

[ENGINE STARTS]

We better find out where that key fits,

or we're gonna be locked out permanently.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

♪ ♪

JENNIFER: Oh, boy. This is some vacation.

We've heard from MI6,

five-O, the CIA, the KGB,

and now the fire department.

I didn't catch their initials. Did you?

♪ ♪

Play croquet!

That's the trouble with you.

You play too much croquet.

Croquet.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh. Hi, Max.

How you doing, Max?

Oh. [KEY JINGLES]

Croquet.

[ANNOYED GRUNT]

[SIGHS]

Where you going? You got another hula lesson?

Nah, it's that bird.

He's a pain in the ear.

Play croquet!

You see what I mean?

[SHRIEKS]

She does have a good pair of lungs.

Do birds...

have lungs?

It's all in their throat.

And the beak.

Tsk.

I can't help but think that we're missing

some sort of a twist.

Look at that.

The key came apart. Look at that.

Yeah, that's wonderful. Now we have two keys.

Well, maybe this little one belongs to a safety deposit box.

No, I don't think so, darling. It's too fancy.

Well... I don't have any more ideas.

CROQUET: Play croquet!

Croquet!

Out of the beaks of birds.

What?

Richard spent all of his time there.

At the croquet club?

Why not?

Let's try that.

CROQUET: Aloha!

♪ ♪

Polly deserves an extra cracker for this one.

Darling, what exactly are we looking for?

I don't know. But at least

we've narrowed it down to the right haystack.

The key is the key.

One part got us in...

Cam Kanmolo said that Richard Hashimoto

loved to sit at this table.

What is it, darling?

I think we found another haystack.

Give me the key.

Look.

Names.

"Leonide Doubrowsky."

"Ertz Lukin."

"Olga Rapina."

RIDINGS: Vladimir Vasloff.

I assume these are friends of yours, Ridings?

Hardly, Mr. Hart.

Those are names of Russian agents here in Hawaii.

♪ ♪

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

Hold it.

Nice going, Mr. Hart.

I said hold it.

But, Mr. Hart, I'm CIA.

And I'm MI6.

Isn't this when you ask

who plays left field for the Dodgers?

The lady's right.

Who does play left field for the Dodgers?

BOTH: Dusty Baker.

Right field for the New York Yankees?

BOTH: Reggie Jackson.

Who was, uh, Barry Goldwater's running mate in 1964?

William Miller, I believe.

Congressman from New York.

Mr. Ridings...

move away from him.

Move!

Back.

He's a Russian agent.

Hashimoto was one of us, a double agent.

He was all set to blow the whole Soviet operation.

Quite right. Naturally, I couldn't let him do that.

This is Leonide Doubrowsky,

one of the KGB's top assassins.

Well, that figures.

Only a foreign agent would know more

about American politics than an American.

Jonathan, you gave him the gun.

But I got the bullets.

Hah.

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] As you Americans are so fond of saying:

"The opera is not over till the fat lady sings."

JENNIFER: Watch out!

[SIGHS]

Oh, the fat lady sang all right.

She just sang a little out of tune.

♪ ♪

Hey, Max.

We missed you at the hula contest last night. Oh.

Yeah. How did you do?

Ah, I never made it.

That bird bit me on the toe,

so Elaine had to find another partner.

Oh, Croquet. I almost forgot. Where is she?

With Cam Kanmolo.

Well, that's nice.

I'm gonna weigh the anchor.

It weighs 90 pounds, Max.

Yeah.

Say, darling...

what was that toast you and your Navy buddies

used to make just before shipping out?

"To sweethearts and wives.

May they never meet."

[CHUCKLES]

You know, you're not only my wife...

but you're my sweetheart.

And you're the best mate a guy could have.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, well.

Thank you.

I know what you're after.

All you sailors are alike.

Oh, yeah?

You're just after the key to my cabana.

Let me tell you something, darling.

I don't want to see another key until this trip is over.

[GASPS]

[KEY SPLASHES IN WATER]

Well, darling, you better hope for a good stiff breeze.

Hm?

You just threw away the key to the engine.

[BOTH LAUGH]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪